Reading through Nairaland's terrifying threads sometimes get me kinda confused. Like good friends before marriage becoming sworn enemies after marriage.

A loving man/women suddenly changing for the worse.

I would like matured married people on this board to help the younger ones (yet to say i do) state issues, things that intending couple should discuss before marriage.

We know alot of things are involved when it comes to having a peaceful (at least a bit) home after marriage.

Apart from having a consistent income generating biz/job

A comfortable shelter

How many kids needed in the union if any

level of influence in the union from extended family members

Maturity in age and thought process.

And other basic things needed before settling down, what are the others things both party should discuss in advance so as to avoid future conflict of interest?

No one's an island of knowledge, so pls share what you discussed before saying i do that's working well for you now that you're married.

Me dey fear small small o and time's no longer my friend.....

Religion and values

ibkaye: Religion and values

Kindly expatiate.

Are there no married people on this family thread again?

Oh, because this is not a thread for lamentation abi?

honeric01: Are there no married people on this family thread again?

Oh, because this is not a thread for lamentation abi?

when you get to that bridge, you would cross it. these days, marriage counsellors are recommended and they would touch on the important topics that the groom and the bride don't often talk about. just keep saving for your big day.........

honeric01:

Kindly expatiate.

I think couples should discuss the role of religion and personal values in their relationship, they may not necessarily share the same faith but it's important to have a mutual respect of each other’s beliefs, plus I've always wondered how interfaith couples decide which religion their children will be raised in

honeric01: Are there no married people on this family thread again?

Oh, because this is not a thread for lamentation abi?

Apologies, I saw your thread late and hoped I could find a piece I'd written but never posted which speaks to your question. Here it is;

Almost all potential problems within marriage can be dealt with – or one could say stem from a failure to “deal with issues” – foundationally.

By foundationally, I mean two things. 1. Proper preparation of an individual for marriage (nothing to do with potential partners here, this is about your development, correct understanding and proper expectation) and 2. Courtship

In fact, I’m personally yet to see a broken marriage where the issue was not apparent – even if ignored – during courtship (if there was one).

Noting that I mean a suitably ordered courtship and proper due diligence (with recourse to family, faith etc.). Indeed, then the only real issue (and still a relatively minor one at this point) is whether to proceed on the basis of any perceived problematic areas.

The decision to knowingly do so, even if you regret it later is your responsibility. If he/she is angry/immature/a drunkard/violent/abusive/spendthrift etc. but you “thought you could change him/her” or “he/she would mature”. But they didn’t/wouldn’t, and now after 9 years and 3 kids you are fed-up and want out, at least be honest about the root of the problem. Especially when signs are ignored or overlooked because he/she is wealthy/endowed/pretty/with an extra portion of booty or swag etc.

In short, if you are not prepared as in 1., courtship as in 2., may fail it’s full purpose. If both 1 and 2 are in place I can pretty much assure you, that your relationship will be all but devoid of any character related issues that are not fairly easily resolved. And if you are wise and have the third – and most important imho - part of this 3 fold knot – which is an abiding faith in God, you have the immutability of His word.

We can all drop our 2 cents worth of advice when a relationship is beset with problems, but in truth, any advice – no matter how good - is only as useful as the willingness & ability of the two individuals to grasp and implement it. Which ironically they would have, if they had the right foundation, which if they had, they probably wouldn’t have the problem in the first place or would be well equipped to deal with it.

If one person in a marital union is effectively “not fit for purpose” as per 1., above, and does not realise this and make the required adjustments, both of them – and any offspring - will suffer and at best endure – but for how long?

Listen carefully; Foundation! foundation!! foundation!!!

Happy to give more detail if required, but this is a starter for 10.

Do not fear. Marrying properly and marrying well makes marriage a joy.

Best
TV

Sorry for seeing this thread late.
@op, this your thread is tasking o, but I will try and simplify it as easy as possible.

First of all, NEVER GO INTO MARRIAGE WITH THE IMPRESSION OR BELIEF THAT YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR PARTNER. WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU CAN'T TAKE IN MARRIAGE SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN IN COURTSHIP, WITH THE AIM OF CHANGING IT AFTER MARRIAGE, ITS EITHER YOU TRASH IT OUT OR IF THE OTHER PERSON REFUSE TO CHANGE, CALL IT OFF. For example, I called my first relationship off with a guy because he's a liar. Laying a good foundation can never be over emphisised in marriage. If you don't takkle any problem you discover from the foundation, I mean from the courtship, don't bother changing the person after marriage.

Now, to what to discuss b4 marriage.............

YOUR BACKGROUND.......... Make your background known to each other, like your race or tribe, your culture, your tradition in your family, etc and ask if both of you are comfortable with each other's background. Also, under this, you also got to speak about your pasts, and ask if you are both comfortable with each other's past.
YOUR TEMPERAMENT.................... Discuss about your temperament, whether extrovert or introvert, whether choleric or sanguine or melancholy or phlegmatic and discuss about how you are going to blend your temperament in such a way that it will be beneficial for both of you in your marriage. Read books on it(I recommend 'why you act the way you do' and opposite attracts' both by Tim Lahaye) and see how you can tackle the weaknesses and tap the strenghts.

YOUR RELIGION............ Talk about your religion, are you both comfortable with your religion, if you are not in the same religion, who will compromise, if you two are going to practise different religion, whose religion will the children practise.

YOUR FAMILY.......... This include your children and your inlaws. How many children do you want to have. Discuss thoroughly on this.
Also, your inlaws, do you love his parents and does he love your parent. Do you love his siblings and does he love your siblings. Does he want to be identified with your people and are you ready to be identified with his people. Pls, don't forget that inlaws are part of determining factors in the success of any marriage.

YOUR FINANCE........... This is very important. Discuss about your source of income. Financial issues are a bone of contention in many marriages. The way funds are appropriated in a marriage should be given serious attention and resolved before tying the knot, in order to avoid bitter arguement and quarrels in the home. Some of the things to ask as far as finances is concerned include
~what is you both view on being extravagant, thrifty or stingy.
~are we going to have a joint account or separate account.
~who will control the family expenditure.
~are we going to share expenditure.
~do you know both income, I mean, do you both know how much each of you earn.
Who is fussy about financial accountability between you both.

To be continued.

By his/her actions throughout the courtship you must know the sort of person you are getting married to unless you met the person last month

The only constant thing in life is change. If you start tabulating how many kids you want, who the chief financier will be, what if your plans don't go to plan nko ?!

However, It is very important to go for counselling before the marriage. I know We Nigerians are not shy to give advice, since it is free! everyone will give their own advice lol but if you can afford a competent marriage counsellor that understands your tradition, values and religion, book an appointment and visit one.

Continued



YOUR SEXUALITY........... This aspect can never be over emphasized in any marriage and it has been one of the causes of many problems in many marriages. Therefore, discuss it extensively while courting, some people use to shy away from it and after marriage, it raises its ugly head in such a way that if care is not taken, it can scatter the marriage.
Question that may be asked here include..........
~how sexually active are you
~are you a virgin
~do you believe in s ex before marriage
~are you sexually attracted to a certain physique, for example, anyone who is sexually attracted to a slim person has no business dating a fat person and vice versar
~do you prefer a particular complexion in the other person, for example, I don't like a fair complexion man and I've never dated one in my life. If you are sexually attracted to a fair complexion person, you don't have any business with a dark complexion person.


YOUR HEALTH.............. Under this you discuss some pertinent questions like
~ Are you both ready and willing to undergo a comprehensive medical screening
~what are your views on exercise and fasting
~what are the medical problems you've had in the past
~What are the the medical history in you both family
~who falls ill often and less often between you two,etc.

YOUR RESPECT........... Mutual respect in marriagedetermines to a great extent how a marriage turns out. To regard a person with esteem, you need to have an appreciable level of repect for such a person. Some important question to ask here include
~can you proudly introduce your spouse-to-be to your friends and relatives
~do I relate to this person as my friend
~do I accept his or her friends as ny friends
~is there mutual giving and sharing in this relationship
Do I like the way he or she makes decision
~do we bring out the best from each other
~do I like the way this person makes decision
~am I constantly in conflict with him or her
~will I be drained of my individuality,personality, creativity, dreams and hopes, self respect,dignity and significance if I go on to marriage with this person.


YOUR EDUCATION........ The interpretation of issues and events greatly depend on one's educational background, therefore, it has to be threshed out, in order to prevent unnecessary frictions in your marriage. If you are the type that will want your partner to have at least first degree, you don't have business with anyone below that educational level, except he or she is ready and willing to upgrade him or herseld educationally.


YOUR COMMUNICATION........... Inability to communicate differences and problems out in a marriage put a great danger in such a marriage, therefore, communication, effective and efficient one is beneficial to the success of every marriage.
Right from courtship, examine if
~you interact freely with your intended spouse
~he or she listen to suggestions, ideas, and advices
~if he or she talks down on you
~if he or she listen when you talk
~if he or she discuss issues or avoid issues
~if you are free to disagree with him or her on any issue
~if he maintains healthy communication
Etc


All in all, marriage counsellors will do a wonderful job for you if you seek for their services. But above all, a three-fold cord is not easily broken, invite God and lean on Him and He will direct your path to the right person. However, don't forget to be a right partner in order to attract a right partner, remember. Like attract likes.
May God help us all.

How do you know a person you've never known before if you don't ask questions?

Asking questions does not necessarily mean you have to be with a writing note and be ticking which is which, but when opportunity comes, you just ship in your question as to his view on what is happening currently, for example, maybe you are running helter skelter because of your younger brother's school fees and your intended spouse is discouraging you, you can ask him his own view on the issue, from there, you got to know his relationship with his siblings.
Please, no one should misquote me, asking question does not necessarily means sitting on a round table like a meeting, its like a casual thing, just in order to know the other person better.
Well, as for me, I did ask a lot of question and I thank God I'm able to know him very well before we tied the knot.
Differnt strokes, they say.

Somethings are vital, Finances, Kids (if you both want any and how many), Policy on visitors (some may love a full house some may love privacy, how to meet in the middle.
However, basically I think we should just be good people and see how people are in different situations.
The best plans can scatter, people loose their jobs, people change. I knew someone for years, we always knew we would marry spoke about everything, planned everything yet things didn't work out as we had planned.
Yet I met someone, the first date he was speaking marriage, We had and still have issues but we are both willing to work and make a good life.
So I would say planning is good but what is most important is being a good person and hoping that the good person you end up with doesn't switch teams half way.
Some people from unhappy homes end up being the best husbands and wives and some end up badly, same way with people from happy homes.
What I am saying is that we can blame parents and background all we want but adults at the end of the day are responsible for their own decisions.

I will say plan around the following
1. Goals: Do we want to both work or is one person a go getter and the other content with staying home or is one person career oriented and the other wants a stay at home spouse

2. Finances
3. Kids

Marriage is a life long learning process,nothing is cast in stone, I agree with CC to some extent that sometimes we get lucky and end up with good people and I agree that planning is essential, however like I said plans fail, I am a living witness.

Most important however is red flags like cheating, emotional and physical abuse, marriage doesn't change people, if these signs are there please don't let anyone pressure you to marry.
If you are not compatiable don't be pressured to marry.
Marriage when you get a good one is a beautiful thing but a bad one is worse than a horror movie.
Many people wonder how I cope with an undiplomatic husband but I do and I love him for him, he says what others think and don't have the boldness to say out loud and I have to constantly mend fences. However these was one of the qualities that drew me to him his honesty and willingness to stand for what he believes in.

Most importantly never get married because you are pressured into it ot you are getting old, get married because you have found someone who makes you happy and who you want to make happy too.

I think touched on the most important things that could affect a marriage but CC has a point that actions speak louder than words.Studying your partners reactions in certain situations are often a dead giveaway of what type of person they are e.g. How does he react to people less priviledged than he is? The type of person he/she is a very important and you looking at does this person align with my purpose in Life (that means YOU must have a purpose.I might be castigated for this but I dont think my husband completes me cos he is only human afterall.I think he complements me to become the person God wants me to be.Alot of people put so much unrealistic pressure on the spouses by expecting perfection or that their lives would magically become perfect after marriage.Yeah by all means have standards but work on YOU as well.


It is good to look out and ask questions but as I said in a thread I created, marriage like life is dynamic and ever evolving.Marriage like life will throw up issues that are inexhaustible.

Practical Example:What schools will our kids attend before marriage, we agree private school cos public schools are so crap.7 years down the line, hubby is experiencing financial troubles, wife is breadwinner for now.She them insists that kids must go to private school as they agreed.If care is not taken, such a simple issue might degenerate into resentment cos the wife might think why cant we afford it, cos he is failing in his responsiblities.The best thing would be to deliberate on availabile resources and then look at working towards what the intial prefrence was.

Thank You CC
Damiso you hit the nail on the head with the "completes verse compliments" comment.
I find people rushing to marry especially young ladies becsue they are running from poverty and looking for a saviour.
African Magic doesn't help too because they show the stories of a man rescuing and marrying a poor village girl and transforing her life.
Then when a girl has a heart brek there is always some man at a resturant or in a jeep who rescues her while she is crying and walking down the streets.
That's too much pressure on anyone.
People should learn to make peace with themselves and sort out major issues they struggle with and not dump them on someone else who probably has to deal with his/ her own issues.
Marriage is not about finding someone to do something you cannot eg provide financially, cook, sweep, clean.
Most times I talk with young men their veiws and priority in wanting to marry is because they "are tired of eating out", marriage is beyond food, you cannot base a life long decision on your stomach, everyone should learn how to cook so we can think more with our heads and less with our stomachs.
You marry the worlds best cook and house cleaner yet she will lock her pot in the cupboard and kitchen and prevents your family from eating, she is rude and gossips endlessly, what have you done?
You refuse to work, wait for a saviour then marry a man who gives you money provides all your needs but slaps you to say good morning, has infected you with several diseases, what have you done?
Like I said, marry because you have found that person who makes you happy and you as a whole person can make that person happy also.
There is no worse misery than marital misery. Its better to face the whole misery outside and come home to a safe haven than face the misery outside and come home to more misery

TV01:

Apologies, I saw your thread late and hoped I could find a piece I'd written but never posted which speaks to your question. Here it is;

Almost all potential problems within marriage can be dealt with – or one could say stem from a failure to “deal with issues” – foundationally.

By foundationally, I mean two things. 1. Proper preparation of an individual for marriage (nothing to do with potential partners here, this is about your development, correct understanding and proper expectation) and 2. Courtship

In fact, I’m personally yet to see a broken marriage where the issue was not apparent – even if ignored – during courtship (if there was one).

Noting that I mean a suitably ordered courtship and proper due diligence (with recourse to family, faith etc.). Indeed, then the only real issue (and still a relatively minor one at this point) is whether to proceed on the basis of any perceived problematic areas.

The decision to knowingly do so, even if you regret it later is your responsibility. If he/she is angry/immature/a drunkard/violent/abusive/spendthrift etc. but you “thought you could change him/her” or “he/she would mature”. But they didn’t/wouldn’t, and now after 9 years and 3 kids you are fed-up and want out, at least be honest about the root of the problem. Especially when signs are ignored or overlooked because he/she is wealthy/endowed/pretty/with an extra portion of booty or swag etc.

In short, if you are not prepared as in 1., courtship as in 2., may fail it’s full purpose. If both 1 and 2 are in place I can pretty much assure you, that your relationship will be all but devoid of any character related issues that are not fairly easily resolved. And if you are wise and have the third – and most important imho - part of this 3 fold knot – which is an abiding faith in God, you have the immutability of His word.

We can all drop our 2 cents worth of advice when a relationship is beset with problems, but in truth, any advice – no matter how good - is only as useful as the willingness & ability of the two individuals to grasp and implement it. Which ironically they would have, if they had the right foundation, which if they had, they probably wouldn’t have the problem in the first place or would be well equipped to deal with it.

If one person in a marital union is effectively “not fit for purpose” as per 1., above, and does not realise this and make the required adjustments, both of them – and any offspring - will suffer and at best endure – but for how long?

Listen carefully; Foundation! foundation!! foundation!!!

Happy to give more detail if required, but this is a starter for 10.

Do not fear. Marrying properly and marrying well makes marriage a joy.

Best
TV

Hmmmm, thanks, pls share more, others are reading..

greatgod2012: Sorry for seeing this thread late.
@op, this your thread is tasking o, but I will try and simplify it as easy as possible.

First of all, NEVER GO INTO MARRIAGE WITH THE IMPRESSION OR BELIEF THAT YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR PARTNER. WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU CAN'T TAKE IN MARRIAGE SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN IN COURTSHIP, WITH THE AIM OF CHANGING IT AFTER MARRIAGE, ITS EITHER YOU TRASH IT OUT OR IF THE OTHER PERSON REFUSE TO CHANGE, CALL IT OFF. For example, I called my first relationship off with a guy because he's a liar. Laying a good foundation can never be over emphisised in marriage. If you don't takkle any problem you discover from the foundation, I mean from the courtship, don't bother changing the person after marriage.

Now, to what to discuss b4 marriage.............

YOUR BACKGROUND.......... Make your background known to each other, like your race or tribe, your culture, your tradition in your family, etc and ask if both of you are comfortable with each other's background. Also, under this, you also got to speak about your pasts, and ask if you are both comfortable with each other's past.
YOUR TEMPERAMENT.................... Discuss about your temperament, whether extrovert or introvert, whether choleric or sanguine or melancholy or phlegmatic and discuss about how you are going to blend your temperament in such a way that it will be beneficial for both of you in your marriage. Read books on it(I recommend 'why you act the way you do' and opposite attracts' both by Tim Lahaye) and see how you can tackle the weaknesses and tap the strenghts.

YOUR RELIGION............ Talk about your religion, are you both comfortable with your religion, if you are not in the same religion, who will compromise, if you two are going to practise different religion, whose religion will the children practise.

YOUR FAMILY.......... This include your children and your inlaws. How many children do you want to have. Discuss thoroughly on this.
Also, your inlaws, do you love his parents and does he love your parent. Do you love his siblings and does he love your siblings. Does he want to be identified with your people and are you ready to be identified with his people. Pls, don't forget that inlaws are part of determining factors in the success of any marriage.

YOUR FINANCE........... This is very important. Discuss about your source of income. Financial issues are a bone of contention in many marriages. The way funds are appropriated in a marriage should be given serious attention and resolved before tying the knot, in order to avoid bitter arguement and quarrels in the home. Some of the things to ask as far as finances is concerned include
~what is you both view on being extravagant, thrifty or stingy.
~are we going to have a joint account or separate account.
~who will control the family expenditure.
~are we going to share expenditure.
~do you know both income, I mean, do you both know how much each of you earn.
Who is fussy about financial accountability between you both.

To be continued.

thanks a bunch, is it okay to ask the wife to contribute at least 30% of her income in the running of the family even though the man's all on ground to take charge of the home's finances?

honeric01:

thanks a bunch, is it okay to ask the wife to contribute at least 30% of her income in the running of the family even though the man's all on ground to take charge of the home's finances?

Absolutely! Both spouses should contribute to the running of the home.

.hh

CFCfan:
Absolutely! Both spouses should contribute to the running of the home.

But i know someone who said a limit shouldn't be placed and that the man should act as if the woman's income doesn't exist. What's your take on this?

debrief08: Thank You CC
Damiso you hit the nail on the head with the "completes verse compliments" comment.
I find people rushing to marry especially young ladies becsue they are running from poverty and looking for a saviour.
African Magic doesn't help too because they show the stories of a man rescuing and marrying a poor village girl and transforing her life.
Then when a girl has a heart brek there is always some man at a resturant or in a jeep who rescues her while she is crying and walking down the streets.
That's too much pressure on anyone.
People should learn to make peace with themselves and sort out major issues they struggle with and not dump them on someone else who probably has to deal with his/ her own issues.
Marriage is not about finding someone to do something you cannot eg provide financially, cook, sweep, clean.
f

But i thought marriage is for helping eachother? If i can do it all, why do i need an helpsmate?

Complementing is all about filling the gap, true?

Yes i know we should marry for love but you know love grows from appreciating your partner for what they represent which is unique to you?

mm

chaircover:


A woman who is ready to be married, will already know how much her husband earns and where her help is needed financially and will not need any agreement to be in place before she starts picking up bills as necessary.

Honestly speaking, there are many things you just get to the bridge and you just cross them so one has to be flexible and always have the best interest of the marriage at the back of ones mind because no one really knows what the future holds.

What of where the lady earns nothing, just graduated from Uni. Moreover she has not yet shown signs of being enterprising and the man's income is not up to a 80k, should they still go ahead and tie the knot..... the man doesn't need to bother about house rent.

^^^Ok.
Both intending partners are the last child of their respective parents (Little or no major responsibilities). Don't think the girl will get a job right away in her field of study (yet to go on service).
No, the girl is not expensive but the guy is another matter (got a car and his taste in clothing is a bit refined).
The guys job is stable (if he stays there) but doesn't pay much. Though if he combines it with income from other runs it makes up to that 80.
Actually commitment scares the guy, because it comes with real responsibility

extremely intresting.
you ppl rock.

*spreads mat on thread*

alutacontinua: *spreads mat on thread*

don't forget a pillow and your ankara wrapper!