[b]Hallelujah...!!!

I know most of you know that shout but then it just started to rain after many days of dryness, not because the whole place was wet or the prayer of the people reached Oluwa but because someone was pissing on someone's head and he thought it was rain. Only that this rain felt warm and tasted salty and the recipient of the rainfall looked skyward.....

Ahhhh.... Na who go dey piss for person head for this kind time na, na only one person fit do that thing and that na.....

Flow and him best Friend... Attai!!!

Owk.... Time to introduce myself.... I am Joey (real name) I am an adent reader of Flow1759's story and also a follower of Foxybone (and his multiple monikers). Now, I was lucky to have added Flow on 2go, it made my day, so I asked him (Na beg i beg oo) if we should do a collabo, this he agreed to... (i bribe am sha) Well, I also asked Foxybone who is my friend on 2go, if i could use his name and he gave me the go-ahead....

I am now a mini-celebrity since i am going to be using 2 important writers name.

Ehm... I am not a newbie here for your information, just a guest who have been on Nairaland for a very long time. Please... Put your hands together for me, since i am going to be making you laugh (I will try my best).... I have show (oops!!)...

Anyhow sha.... Make I wait for my Oga at the Top, Flow, make him come do the endorsement for here


Peace Out!!![/b]

**reserved**

"Waiyo Allah... Allah, zo ka taimake ni"

My mother shouted as I kept kicking her in the stomach. It wasn't my fault exactly, it is just nature to do such a thing to every woman who had the effrontery to get pregnant for a drunkard and weed smoker. Now imagine how the child would be behaving since the day the mother took in was the day the father was very high. Enough igbo and alomo in his system.

I was laughing and enjoying myself as i kept kicking a particular spot, my eyes were shut and I enjoyed the vibrations her shouts were making. Kai!!! Mama is is trouble walahi...

Soon I heard another voice:

"Madam, where is your husband na?"

My mother replied:

"I don't know o, maybe he has gone to play pool again."

At the mention of pool, my eyes brightened that I gave another kick, albeit unintentionally.

"Yehhh... Which kind useless pikin be this na, you wan kill me before I even born you?"

My mother screamed. I laughed hard and farted inside her stomach making her to give a long belch. Wait, I need you guys to get this straight, whenever a pregnant woman belches, it is the mischievous child inside that is dropping loads of farts inside her stomach.

"Yehh... My water don burst ooo... Na wetin I do this pikin na?"

My mother I believed was practically going mad. I had kicked whatever it was I was kicking and it had burst. Well, I knew I was on my way out so I added blows just to remind the stomach that I was once there. I felt myself turning round the stomach, obviously on my way out, my head was already touching an opening but it was not bulging. I had a big head, a very big one, the type referred to as bicycle head.

"Madam, this your pikin no wan come out o, abeg open your leg wider"

A voice said. I wondered why she was ordering my mother like that.

"This pikin no go tear me o"

My mother screamed tearfully, well, if drunkards and weed smokers have heart, moreover I had been feeding on her for many days, I knew the time and fully reached for me to come aided the process. I allowed my self to be pulled out through the head. I was finally brought into this world. I looked around, my eyes wide open and wanted to start talking when all of a sudden I felt a hard slap on my buttocks with a pinch on my back.

"Nyaaaa.... Nyeeee... Nyeeeeee"

I screamed to the world. Well, they all thought that was what I was saying but in truth I truly was saying....

"Na God go punish this woman wey just touch my nyash abi she wan turn me gay?"

"Madam, na boy ooo.... See as him yellow come fine join, but him head na case sha, abeg bring that hot water come make I press the head."

A voice said. Well, that was how my head got the shape it has today, enough hot water and towel pressed the head into looking oblong and bicycle shape.

Following...

I grew up knowing my father as a man who hardly stays at home, he only comes back in the night and the next thing is to start arguing with my mother.

"Mama Attai, see as your pikin just piss full here. Hunnn"

My father retorted one evening.

"Na from you him inherit am na, abi your mother no tell you say you sabi piss for bed before?"

I giggled at that reply, I was only 9 months old and had begun standing when this conversation was taking place. I looked at the face of my father, his eyes appeared to have slide into his skull and looked redish in colour. He was dark and thing, swerving from one side to the other like the air coming in through the window of our one room house was moving him.

"Na so you dey carry defend this boy, see as im eye just dey look like thief this evening. Come, you sure say na me get this pikin?"

My father asked again. This shocked me... Was this not the same man that use to knock me on the head all the time when I was inside my mother? This same man that drenches me with ice cream (i enjoyed it sha) when ever he was leaving. I had intentionally grabbed his tool one evening as he repeatedly knocked me on the head with his member being harder than I know it. He had screamed and pulled out immediately, this man that wanted to kill me with knocks after taking "maganin buran tashi".

"When you dey do am you no know abi?"

My mother ask....

I replied in my mind...

"Abi ooo"

My father looked at her closely shaking his head.

"Ehm, talking about that thing, e don dey hungry me"

Jesus!!! This man doesn't grow tired o, if not in the morning when I am enjoying fresh milk, it is in the night when I am getting ready to sleep. The painful thing is I am always dropped on the ground. I just shook my big head which had bent to one side due to its weight on my neck and:

"Puhhhhh... Putututututu"

I dropped a mountain load of sh-it on the ground, the stench making me to quickly stagger away from there. Kai, even me felt the acidity of my sh-it.

"Chie... If I say this pikin no be my own you go say na lie. See as him just dey shit anyhow for room. Him no even get manner"

Manner again to shyt? I asked no one in particular. I watched as mother stood up from the bed she had been sitting down doing nothing. She brought a dirty napkin and proceeded to clean my soiled anus.

Sweet mother!!!



To be continued!!!

I read this update with smile on my face. More please

Nyc 1.......ehee yemi,do u hv anda story apart 4rm '2go love story'

I whistled as I crossed Hotoro bypass, it was a sunny morning as usual and I was really feeling the effect of the sun on my "afro". Now imagine a guy with 3 times the head of a normal human being, I looked really scary that I don't even look at the mirror. All my life I had never heard someone use the term "fineboy" on me. Even as a lad growing up. It was always...

"Mama Attai, na that your pikin be this?"

"Mama Attai, who get this thing?"

"Madam, please your monkey is blocking my view, I can't see the mirror" (that day my mum had sat on the front seat of a car)

"Mama Attai, that pikin outside don steal again"

"Madam, we will be locking your son up, he is a disturbance to the society"

All this phrases I was already used to so I don't even bother myself. I can cause hold up with my head, all I needed do was enter into the road and the oncoming vehicle will slow down until I was out of view.

"Naibawa, Ugwa-uku"

Those names up there are not the names of some local palmwine tappers in Igbo land, they are actually the names of places in Kano. I moved to join the rushing crown that wanted to enter into the bus that just parked by the road. The rush was mad but I was not relenting, I needed to get to Ugwa-uku on time. Well, in the process of rushing, my hand had falling into a man's back pocket and had quickly gone back into my pocket.

I strained, pushed and even elbowed people, this I did halfheartedly since I had succeeded in getting money for my breakfast. I started cussing those who had entered into the bus.

"Wawaye kawai... Baku san wai inna da inda za ni ba?"

Translated --- Foolish people, don't you know I have somewhere to go to?

What followed was ballistic missiles of insults....

"Mumuna, biri, monkey, uglly pikin, beast"

Every derogatory word was used on me but I cared not, I only waved as the car made its way out of the park. I turned round and went to where early morning "Koko da kosai" was being sold. I opened the wallet and what met my eyes made me scream....

"Waiyooooo..... See moneyyyyyy!!!!!"

Everybody turned to look at me only one busy-body replied my shout.

"You be mumu as you ugly join, money for your own wallet dey make you shout"

I looked at him, turned back and ordered for my breakfast. I never knew what I had screamed as moneeyyyy was going to turn sorrow soon.

I was licking the pap with my hand when I felt a tap on my shoulder, it was a little bit rough so I reacted almost immediately.

"Na who be that wey dey look for my trouble this morning?"

A slap answered me.

I sprang on my feet, spinning round almost immediately with a punch aimed at whoever had slapped me, GBOSA!!!

"Yehhhh... This pikin don kill me ooo"

It was the voice of my father, my blow had caught him squarely on his left eye. He held onto that place as a mini-crowd gathered to witness what had just happened. I was dumb-struck as my tongue seemed to have ran away from my mouth that moment.

"See as you stand dey look like mumu, you no go tell the old man sorry?"

Someone from the crowd said.

I looked at the old man, he was not old in age, but he was really old as ogogoro and igbo had made his life bender than it had been when I first touched the earth.

"Papa, na so you wan carry disgrace me this morning?"

I asked my father whose left eye had swollen and looked like an "okpolo". Okpolo is not the soup Flow likes very well, it is a slang indicating that one's eyes is as big as a frog.

"Eh... Na because you comot from house you no tell me na"

My father answered looking at me with his one good eye.

"When I begin tell you say I wan comot na?"

I asked my father a foolish question.

"Since when I born you, I been even ask you say make you gimme money make I buy 1 shot of monkey tail"

I laughed at the old man.

"Papa, so you wan carry drink break fast this morning abi. Oya make we go joint make I buy you beer."

My father's eye brightened like he had just won jackpot and he said something I would for long remember.

"You know you be my pikin and I like you, I go always be good father to you"

Well, beer can make an alcoholic change when he sees a chance to indulge in it. I knew my father just spoke since he had never been a good father to me since I was born. My mind went down memory lane.


********************************************************************
"Take this money eh, go buy me kain-kain and one stick of rothmas"

I was barely 6 years.

"papa, pastor say you go go hell fire if you dey drink o and us wey dey buy am for una go follow go hell fire"

I said innocently refusing to collect the money from his hand.

"Make thunder fire you big head there. If you no carry that your ugly face comot from here go buy wetin I send you eh, your mother go only use your head recognize you when she come back because I go scatter your face."

I quickly ran as fast as my legs could carry me to the kain-kain joint where I bought the drink for him with a stick of cigarette. when I returned, my father tapped my head and said:

"Good boy, you are the son of your father."

At the age of 6 I had already started buying drinks and cigarette, chei, Papa, na wetin I do you na?


*****************************************************************

I was on my second bottle of Udeme when i felt a tap on my should, I thought it was my father who had already gone away with the drink I bought for him. Before I could respond as usual, I received a nice blow to the side of my face which made me topple the table I was drinking on.

I turned on the ground to see 2 policemen with a third man who was pointing at me.

"Officers arrest him. He was the one who stole my wallet"

I was shocked, how did the man trace me?

"You no know wetin you dey talk, how I carry steal your wallet? You see me?"

I had stood up and was acting defiantly.

"Officers, na this boy, I no fit forget him big head even for my dream"

The man said. This prompted the men of the police force to grab me and quickly searched me. Inside my pocket were 5 other wallets, I had been caught red handed.

"Mr. Man, you are under arrest for stealing, anything you say or do will be used against you in the court of law."

I knew the game was up, I just waited patiently for them to finish emptying the wallet of the man before handing over the empty wallet to the man.

"This will be used as evidence in court, you may go"

They said as they dragged me out. The man was more shocked than I was but then, he had caught me.

I was dragged and dumped in a cell with other inmates who were too scared to touch me because of my head. I was kept there for 3 days before being judged and jailed for 3 years in Goron-Dutse maximum prison. It was there I met FLOW, a guy of like mind and character.



To be continued...

For the first time ever, I meet a literature thread on the first page. Flow and Foxy collabo?? The Gods must love me....
ASUU you are on your own, I don camp here

chistar01: **reserved**

Welcome... Highly self

D.Ella.luv:
Nyc 1.......ehee yemi,do u hv anda story apart 4rm '2go love story'

no. 2go love is my first story.

......subscribed......

Foxy_Flow:

Welcome... Have a seat...

tanx buh m stil waitin 4 ur more updates

Make una no vex. Na dat LAGOS NAWA story update wey i do today nahim keep me. So i go dey update for two stories now. NOW WAHALA. Am kinda busy at work now. Make i read foxy update first.



STILL I FLOW........... This time with Foxy.

Foxy_Flow you funny mehn!! I dey come, i go update when am less busy. Guy this story go make sense no be small.

Mehn! . . .jst wen ah tot 've seen it all...here comes anoda blockbuster comedy thriller. #make i kuku book my seat here#

waiting for oga flow to take over. . . .from where foxy stopped!!

Hian...@foxy flow,..u dey try,no be small
*subscribing

*takes a seat* wif a cup of kunu on d table

Let it FLOW!!!!

Foxy_Flow: Thanks...y'all for the comments... But truth be told, I will only update after Flow has done his update... Expect the best...

Foxy_flow i promise to update soon, abeg no vex.