Keep off her for another month without bringing up the issue and stay away from couple's gist time as well.If she doesn't still feel concerned enough to bring up the matter, enter unilag

moreeni: Keep off her for another month without bringing up the issue and stay away from couple's gist time as well.If she doesn't still feel concerned enough to bring up the matter, enter unilag

STOP IT

i think this is a psycological thing please vist a counsellor and op stop worrying

Sunymoore: Wow. Speechless. But there are many ladies around

moreeni: Keep off her for another month without bringing up the issue and stay away from couple's gist time as well.If she doesn't still feel concerned enough to bring up the matter, enter unilag

Disturbing posts. OP don't listen to this bs.

If pain is the problem, why can't she talk if she's in pain. Maybe you rebuked her in the past when she complained.
I think she doesn't have org.sms via va--ginall stimulation, that is why sex is a chore for her and it's boring now. Was she a virgin before you married her? Maybe she's never experience an org-sm in her life and feels like 'is this what sex is all about?' So try cli--toral stimulation with your fingers. Oya Jenny take it up from here, as the séx specialist in the house.

Many thanks to you all, really i had to purge myself.

My heart has been heavy, i know marriage can be challenging but this was unexpected.

ileobatojo:



Disturbing posts. OP don't listen to this bs.

don't mind them. Be rest assured am scared of ex marital affair than any other thing.

ileobatojo: The fact that she has refused to tell you what's going on means it's a very weighty issue, at least she sees it that way and she may not feel you are ready to hear it. You need to create a safe space where she can tell you, ideally with an independent marriage/sex counselor that is unknown to you both. The counseling should be both individual and joint. Taking her to a gyn to make sure it's nothing physical is a great first step.

Another good suggestion is the one of asking her to write it down and you can write her a response too. My only hope is that you will be able to properly handle what she has to say. But this should not replace counseling. It sounds like she really needs it.

Good on you for looking for solutions. Dong be tired yet! May God help you.

How do i get a councillor....that wont be deceptive and just for monetary gain.

dBard: @o.p.. I really do understand where u r coming from. Am sure ur not initiating d sex f a month was deliberate t check her response..u ve bin disappointed thats y u r here.
Undrstand this, some women (ppl) Just Dont Enjoy Sex. it might b f a no of reasons; from physical t d mental, or psychological.
The most worrisome aspect of ur tale is d crying during sex. Even a guy who is just in it f selfish reasons will be disturbed abt that, moreso her husband..n yet she cant cum out wit it seeing its an issue.
Which man will feel comfy knowing his wife doesnt desire him..na wa.
Solution..I tink she needs counselling Asap.
U can only do so much..

Ps; was she like dis wen u were dating or was it a no sex tin

I thought about it and realised i was actually the one who made all moves while still courting.

Also, women can be deceptive during courtship...you only the person you truly love and can never know who and to what extent someone loves you.

Ladies marry because of many reason...money, fame, family background and not generally because they love you, some even marry because the guy is ready to marry them and maybe the guy she actually loves is not ready and willing to settle down.

so much for women deception.

moreeni: Keep off her for another month without bringing up the issue and stay away from couple's gist time as well.If she doesn't still feel concerned enough to bring up the matter, enter unilag

May ur husband nt treat u in d same manner! Wat kinda blaady advice is dis. If u don't av a reasonable suggestion it wud b wiser if u jst shhhh!

Op, God bless you.
You just stated my challenges, me I don enter town tey tey.

But, why are women the architect of their own problems.

crystalballs:

How do i get a councillor....that wont be deceptive and just for monetary gain.

I did some googling and found this guy, Jerome Onipede, and realized I've attended an event where he spoke. He seemed to know his stuff.

http://www.jeromeistalking.org/about-us

There were some other references in the comments on this page.

http://www.wivestownhallconnection.com/2013/05/marriage-counselor-in-lagos.html

CC made a thread and there are some references there too.

https://www.nairaland.com/1391987/trained-professional-counsellors-house

ileobatojo:

I did some googling and found this guy, Jerome Onipede, and realized I've attended an event where he spoke. He seemed to know his stuff.

http://www.jeromeistalking.org/about-us

There were some other references in the comments on this page.

http://www.wivestownhallconnection.com/2013/05/marriage-counselor-in-lagos.html

CC made a thread and there are some references there too.


https://www.nairaland.com/1391987/trained-professional-counsellors-house

ok thanks, will definately give it a try.

@op, God bless you for looking for solution and for not being selfish. Some men wont even bother to care whether she's happy or not, once their own se*ual needs are met.
May be you can send an e-mail into her inbox about how you feel about the whole issue and ask her to reply you via the same route, maybe she's not expressive enough or might be too shy or not comfortable enough to explain verbally what and why she is behaving as such.

May God help you both.

crystalballs:

ok thanks, will definately give it a try.

i just love your approach, you aint selfish at all. May God help you to find a lasting solution to this.

greatgod2012: @op, God bless you for looking for solution and for not being selfish. Some men wont even bother to care whether she's happy or not, once their own se*ual needs are met.
May be you can send an e-mail into her inbox about how you feel about the whole issue and ask her to reply you via the same route, maybe she's not expressive enough or might be too shy or not comfortable enough to explain verbally what and why she is behaving as such.

May God help you both.

Amen.

greatgod2012:


i just love your approach, you aint selfish at all. May God help you to find a lasting solution to this.

Not that am a saint, but i knoow what my mum went through.

Hence, i vowed to be a loving husband.

crystalballs:

Not that am a saint, but i knoow what my mum went through.

Hence, i vowed to be a loving husband.

And that means you're still a nice person, some dont learn from other people's experience. It is well and may God continue to be with you, your marriage and all yours.

If you don't want evil to befall your marriage now or in future ( take your share) please F off this thread and let mature people give this responsible man neat and rational advice ....

This is what I call responsibility ... His parents didn't have it rosy and he's determined to make his own marriage work rather than blame anybody for his predicament.

OP

1. Try text messages/ emails ( the quickest one for response, I'm leaning on Text message) and see what happens.

2. Stop doing all the talking, make her relevant in decision making , it seems you're the breadwinner and make the calls in that house, not bad atall but involve her in decision making.

3. I understand this has been going on before your union so I won't make the preggy an excuse... so I'm leaning towards boring sex positions , and she's scared to talk to offend you cos you're her oga at the top ... when you send those text messages, ask for her sex position preferences.. talk very raw and don't hold back , she's your wife.

4. Marriage Counsellor... Now it does NOT automatically solve your problem .. You have to be open to it to make it work. But it helps.

5. Prayer .. don't take it for-granted , it works.

Good luck Bro and my heart goes out to you , you are truly a good man.

OP, some women grow up thinking intimate relationship with their husband is chore, and not for their own enjoyment, or they see it just for making babies.

This are practical steps; to add to what some other people suggested.
1. Cuddle more often with your spouse, it's not all cuddling or pre-intimacy that should lead to it.
2. Show more affection generally, compliment her looks, how sexy you think she is, how she's beautiful, make her feel sexy, buy some sexy lingeries.
3. Have more pre-intimacy with your spouse and explore her body, if she doesn't say it, watch how she reacts, read the body language. Leave her wanting more. Have some pre-intimacy and don't have sex.
4. Do this for some couple of times, do not have sex within this period, the idea is to make her feel more easy.

My brother take heart, it's what we see in these end times

hey see s*x couselors for nairaland! dyspareunia-a medical term for painful intercourse. there r 2 types, deep or superficial each with its specific causes.
1) improve ur pre-intimacy as suggested by many ppl
2) if the problem didnt resolve let her see a medical doctor for proper evaluation she may be having an organic problem

jidegirl12: If you don't want evil to befall your marriage now or in future ( take your share) please F off this thread and let mature people give this responsible man neat and rational advice ....

This is what I call responsibility ... His parents didn't have it rosy and he's determined to make his own marriage work rather than blame anybody for his predicament.

OP

1. Try text messages/ emails ( the quickest one for response, I'm leaning on Text message) and see what happens.

2. Stop doing all the talking, make her relevant in decision making , it seems you're the breadwinner and make the calls in that house, not bad atall but involve her in decision making.

3. I understand this has been going on before your union so I won't make the preggy an excuse... so I'm leaning towards boring sex positions , and she's scared to talk to offend you cos you're her oga at the top ... when you send those text messages, ask for her sex position preferences.. talk very raw and don't hold back , she's your wife.

4. Marriage Counsellor... Now it does NOT automatically solve your problem .. You have to be open to it to make it work. But it helps.

5. Prayer .. don't take it for-granted , it works.

Good luck Bro and my heart goes out to you , you are truly a good man.

Tnx, will heed your advice.

crystalballs:

I thought about it and realised i was actually the one who made all moves while still courting.

Also, women can be deceptive during courtship...you only the person you truly love and can never know who and to what extent someone loves you.

Ladies marry because of many reason...money, fame, family background and not generally because they love you, some even marry because the guy is ready to marry them and maybe the guy she actually loves is not ready and willing to settle down.

so much for women deception.

if she chose t marry u then you ve t assume love was in d equation n quell dse creeping doubts that u were deceived.
I tink u weren't observant enuff during courtship else u would ve picked up on it.
Harms done..I still tink counselling is ur best bet.
Keep in mind, ur goal during counselling should not necessarily b towards a 'solution' but it should be towards Understanding d wat n why.
You just need to b very Patient as well..
Lay off the sex as well i.m.o but increase d intimacy..cuddles, hand holding, love touches etc..
Hope it works out f u but she has to be willing as well..get that assurance from her before u seek counselling. its imperative u get that assurrance of her willingness else it'llalso be a waste of time.

All d best..

Sissie: OP, some women grow up thinking intimate relationship with their husband is chore, and not for their own enjoyment, or they see it just for making babies.

This are practical steps; to add to what some other people suggested.
1. Cuddle more often with your spouse, it's not all cuddling or pre-intimacy that should lead to it.
2. Show more affection generally, compliment her looks, how sexy you think she is, how she's beautiful, make her feel sexy, buy some sexy lingeries.
3. Have more pre-intimacy with your spouse and explore her body, if she doesn't say it, watch how she reacts, read the body language. Leave her wanting more. Have some pre-intimacy and don't have sex.
4. Do this for some couple of times, do not have sex within this period, the idea is to make her feel more easy.

Txn dearie. Just that sometimes you get fed up.

Was she circumcised? Maybe dts why. Or has she been se.xually ha.rassed before she married?
She might nt open up to u until u both see a marriage counsellor. Ds man, pastor Bisi Adewale has a sch on stuffs like ds. U can both take a course there. Meanwhile buy her xtian bks on sex eg. Romancing ur busband by Debra smith. Total woman.. Etc

Crystalballs,

He that asks for the way does not get missing. The challenge with your wife may not just be related to pains alone but some other factors may be involved. Except she opens up to you, that is when you can actually have a good picture of what her problem is. Let us try to address some causes of pains during sexual intercourse..

You need to find out from her if she was circumcised. Ladies with genital mutilation experience pains during intercourse which usually discourage them from the act as it doesn't bring any form of pleasure to them. A lady with female genital mutilation never initiates sex and rarely reaches orgasm according to research. If this is her problem, you will have to exercise great patience as she has limited control over this. However, with right psychological therapy, she can get past it.

How well do you handle her prior to the real do. Do you take enough time for pre-intimacy before rushing to the glory-land. Devote more time to pre-intimacy to prepare her psychology and also have her get lubricated enough. If she is not well lubricated, it causes pain and the purpose of the intimacy is defeated.

There is also need to look at the foundation of the marriage considering what you wrote here. Did she marry you because her preferred man jilted her and she is yet to get over it? Some ladies get married to people they never planned to due to pressure from home and peers thereby making the home not enjoyable for themselves and their husbands. The pains may be an excuse to evade intercourse as her heart probably belongs somewhere else (My opinion). Until she is laid bare can we know her real problem.

For a se-x therapist, you can get in touch with Funmi Akingbade (CAFI.PUNCH@YAHOO.COM), she has a colummn in punch on saturdays....

dBard:

if she chose t marry u then you ve t assume love was in d equation n quell dse creeping doubts that u were deceived.
I tink u weren't observant enuff during courtship else u would ve picked up on it.
Harms done..I still tink counselling is ur best bet.
Keep in mind, ur goal during counselling should not necessarily b towards a 'solution' but it should be towards Understanding d wat n why.
You just need to b very Patient as well..
Lay off the sex as well i.m.o but increase d intimacy..cuddles, hand holding, love touches etc..
Hope it works out f u but she has to be willing as well..get that assurance from her before u seek counselling. its imperative u get that assurrance of her willingness else it'llalso be a waste of time.

All d best..

Sometimes courtship can be deceptive but am not hiding under that.
Just looking for way forward.

Read this article from Funmi Akingbade...


Many wives harbour secret sexual desires and many husbands want to know the sexual adventures that can meet this desire. It is as simple as A.B.C.

Husbands, go down on your wives’ nipples, clitoris and vaginas carefully. Nipples, clitoral and vaginal stimulation can be the high point of pre-intimacy to a wife. It can even be the main event of the night or an erotic need that couples return to frequently during a long luxurious sexual encounter. Manual stimulation is incredibly important for wives to have an orgasm. Most wives need a little more nipple, clitoral and vaginal contact than intercourse. Warm, wet and intimate stimulation can be just as fun and satisfying as full intercourse. Actually, 87 per cent of wives prefer nipples, clitoral and vaginal caressing to all other forms of pre-intimacy. Many wives fantasise about lying back and having their husbands go down on them, but many cannot express it. Moreover, if you want to sexually pamper your wife or want her to be consumed literally with enticing sexual feeling, try this out tonight.

There is something about a husband feasting his eyes, hands and mouth on his wife’s nipples, clitoris and vagina. It can translate the couple into another world of ecstasy. The sensation of the tongue on the nipples, clitoris and vagina is usually enough to make couples hyperactive. However, according to researches many husbands do not lick the right places well or sometimes do not stay long enough to make their wives reach a climax.

We shall be looking at the practical details of nipples, clitoral and vagina stimulation today. To fully comprehend and practise the instruction I will be giving, please bear these few facts in mind. During sex, reach down and rub your wife’s clitoris whenever possible and you are guaranteed to increase her chances of having orgasm. For many wives, manual stimulation of these areas is the only way they can reach a climax. Rubbing the nipples, vagina and the clitoris the right way is not something husbands just know how to do; it is something they have to learn. When a wife’s vagina is not yet lubricated, ‘never’ try to insert a finger or penis into it. That is legal rape.

Studies have shown that husbands staring at their wives’ breasts for 10 minutes a day can improve their total well-being. The human lips, tongues and genitals are the most sensitive parts of the body. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. The tip of the clitoris has 700 nerve endings, more than the head of the penis. The most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina is the first two inches; that is where the majority of the nerve endings are located. A woman’s skin is 10 times more sensitive to touch than men’s own. During arousal, increased blood flow causes a woman’s breast to swell by 25 per cent, and when stimulated the vagina expand to six inches long. As a wife is turned on, blood rushes to her vulva, causing the vagina to release a smooth liquid called ‘drops of Jupiter’. The average duration of a female orgasm is six seconds. The female Japanese word for orgasm means ‘I have died and gone to heaven’. Now, carefully stimulating your wife’s nipples, clitoris and vagina can make her also utter these words.

One-step at a time is the best secret code. So while together, have your hands under her, then stroke her clitoris through her panties to build the anticipation of feeling your fingers against her wet skin. Even if you have seen your wife’s unclothedness a thousand times, don’t rush to take off her panties every time. Take the action to the next level by sliding your hand under her panties. There is more to the clitoris than meet the eyes. So, don’t just rub, start kissing your wife’s knee up to her inner thigh or from her navel down to her clitoris, then directly to her labia, and then find your way to her nipples. A wife’s inner thighs are very sensitive. Incredibly, some wives can even have orgasm just by messaging their feet; starting your journey to the clitoris by kissing her thighs is still the best. This gives your wife intense pleasure and builds her anticipation for the thrill to come. Ask her to hold her legs up and out of the way. This allows you better access to the vagina. If you want to know if she is moaning with pleasure, ask her not to sandwich your ears with her thighs, you will be amazed by the ‘melodic rhythms’ coming your way! Pay close attention to the moaning; make sure it is not that of pain.

bellong: Crystalballs,

He that asks for the way does not get missing. The challenge with your wife may not just be related to pains alone but some other factors may be involved. Except she opens up to you, that is when you can actually have a good picture of what her problem is. Let us try to address some causes of pains during sexual intercourse..

You need to find out from her if she was circumcised. Ladies with genital mutilation experience pains during intercourse which usually discourage them from the act as it doesn't bring any form of pleasure to them. A lady with female genital mutilation never initiates sex and rarely reaches orgasm according to research. If this is her problem, you will have to exercise great patience as she has limited control over this. However, with right psychological therapy, she can get past it.

How well do you handle her prior to the real do. Do you take enough time for pre-intimacy before rushing to the glory-land. Devote more time to pre-intimacy to prepare her psychology and also have her get lubricated enough. If she is not well lubricated, it causes pain and the purpose of the intimacy is defeated.

There is also need to look at the foundation of the marriage considering what you wrote here. Did she marry you because her preferred man jilted her and she is yet to get over it? Some ladies get married to people they never planned to due to pressure from home and peers thereby making the home not enjoyable for themselves and their husbands. The pains may be an excuse to evade intercourse as her heart probably belongs somewhere else (My opinion). Until she is laid bare can we know her real problem.

For a se-x therapist, you can get in touch with Funmi Akingbade (CAFI.PUNCH@YAHOO.COM), she has a colummn in punch on saturdays....

Have been in touch with funmi for a while now. But all the same. .suggestions noted.

crystalballs:
Txn dearie. Just that sometimes you get fed up.

U.w

When you get fed up, try and motivate yourself.