Edwin Igbokwe opens up on his grief and denial following the death of his wife, Christy Essien Igbokwe, three years ago and how he’s been coping with life

Thirty five years ago, I married my soul mate and lifetime partner. She was Nigeria’s lady of songs, the late Christy Essien Igbokwe. I was a 26-year-old executive at The Punch while she was a 19-year-old songstress and actress that mesmerised Nigeria’s entertainment and theatre scenes with her young, affable innocence. Through those years, we celebrated togetherness and profound love, a love I felt the first time I blessed my eyes on her; a love that grew stronger each sunrise, until 9a.m, June 30, 2011. With each day’s sunset, our love blossomed, like flowers bloomed in spring. We stayed as one through the challenges of life. There were years of aches and pains, tears of joy and electrifying laughter. We stayed together and survived the rough and tumbles of life. We shared everything until it was time for her to go. She lived half a century.

“As I walked down Jebose Boulevard, I tried to accept and appreciate all that life privileged after her eternal transition. It is over three years since Christy died. The denials, the depressions, forward from her death are paths to healing. I missed and mourned her tenderly. Time and support from friends and family were therapies to a second chance at life, living and loving. No one understands the discomfort and trauma of losing a dear family member such as your siblings, your parents or wife, a dearest lifetime partner; (the cherished one you swore before God and the people to love till death do us part), until it happened to them: We are never the same when we lose those that we loved and admired. A part of us leaves with them. Every one of us would come to that place in our lifetime; what matters is how we handled our different circumstances and who would be there to comfort us as we grieved. The mourning season may never end. I can imagine days of guilt, days of tear drops on the pillows and silent wails for losing my dearest wife. The pain is part of passionate memories, of a privileged, shared moment in our lives. These walks with you, Jebose, ignited emotional past pains of losing my late wife and a closure of tragic and traumatic chapters of my life.

Christy was special and spectacular. She was a prophet. She revealed when she would die to the children and by extension, to me: she revealed to us that she had only half a century in this ‘wicked world;’ she told me that when death came, it would be middle of the year. She shared with close friends and members of the family, her end time. I always dismissed her because I was not ready to lose her. She told our children that she would live for 50 years and that any single day thereafter, they should be thanking God. She died June 30, 2011 at age 50.

During one of our affectionate conversations, she told me she would be sick for three days before her death. She said she would exit without burden to anyone or herself. I didn’t believe, until it happened: four days before her death, she complained of stomach ache. We went to the hospital for scanning and treatment: the hospital placed her on overnight admission and began treatment, but she wanted to go home. Her desire to go home was bolstered by hospital’s electric power interruption. The hospital’s generator was also broken down. She said rather weakly, that she wanted to go home since the hospital had no electricity. I honoured her request. We left the hospital for our home. Halfway into our street, the doctor called and informed me that the generator suddenly activated, surprisingly nothing was wrong with it, we could return to continue treatment; we were almost home, my wife said she didn’t want to go back to the hospital.

“The next day, the illness continued at home. She refused to go back to the hospital: the doctor came to the house and placed her on a drip. Even though she was weak, she was active and independent; she refused any assistance; not even a support on the staircase and into the car, as we set out for hospital again, having encouraged her to return to a different hospital for re-examination. I drove her into the waiting arms of doctors who further examined my late wife in a specialist hospital (Lagos State University Teaching Hospital, Ikeja). She was placed on admission. She was seeing things and in her own world, as she lay ill, she was concerned about the staff and other patients in the hospital. She was kept overnight because of the diagnosis. The second night, she requested prayer warriors to begin intense prayers, not for her but for us, the living, and for her peaceful transition.

She encouraged nurses in the hospital to pray: she would whisper prayer points and choruses. She muttered some messages to our God-son, George, who was with me in the hospital. We went into frenzy shouting for joy when she mentioned that ‘we were victorious and it was all over.’ By 5.30am June 30, 2011, we witnessed deteriorating changes in her health. I phoned Obi, our first son, and he quickly arrived at the hospital to assist. I dashed out to seek a transfer for her to another (the intensive care) room in the hospital. I left Obi and George with pastors and prayer warriors who arrived to pray with us. Something happened while I was gone. The mood changed when I returned. I smelt sadness from the travelling breeze within. The mood was solemn. I saw the sad faces of hospital staff and my son: I felt strange. Everyone from the doctors tried to find a way to tell me she had died… One of the midwives called me to the side and said I should brace up because my wife died few minutes then.

That morning of her death, pastors and other prayer warriors ended morning prayer in her room; she whispered amen, and then slept off. It was exactly 9a.m. I felt dazed, shocked and awed when I was told I lost my ‘everything,’ my companion and the love of my life. Jebose, I caved into denial zone. We immediately moved her body to a room in our home, unknown to many. My late wife warned that her body must not be deposited in the mortuary. I had to respect her wishes. So we decorated a room in our house and laid her down. She was beautiful, peaceful in her sleep. The media and the enlarged burial committee members didn’t know where she was after her death. She lay in that room for almost three months. I was going crazy. I didn’t want to believe she would not wake up. She was smiling peacefully. I couldn’t believe it. I made sure I looked at her every day. I was confused, depressed, dejected and hopeless. The children began to monitor me. I was still in denial, hoping she was asleep… she would wake up. I kept reassuring myself. She never did.

“I finally accepted her death when the pallbearers came into that room and placed her in a coffin for the Commendation Service at Arch Bishop Vining Memorial Cathedral, Ikeja on September 9, 2011 and from there later through the Muritala Mohammed Airport, Ikeja to Akanu Ibiam, Enugu airport en route Awka, Anambra State for funeral service and burial the next day. I knew then, that my best friend, my partner, my soul mate, the mother of my beautiful children, was truly gone.“ After the burial, I was alone and lonely, I felt guilty for her death. I never expected to bury my wife. I always prayed that when my time was up, she, our children and grandchildren would bury me. I began to question God in these transitional periods: I was near complete depression because life was no longer interesting to me: I was lonely and mourning my wife. I was empty. I told everyone that I would never remarry because no woman could replace my late wife. I was suicidal.

After her burial, the pain continued as life began to settle into normalcy, I began to see her in my dreams, encouraging me to live my life. She said she knew if I had the privilege of spending more time with her, I would have corrected certain things in our lives. She said I must move on with my life. Throughout our 32 years, we shared everything: we never separated from the same bedroom. The only time we separated was when we kept her body in a separate room while planning her funeral. Counselling from well-wishers helped me to begin to accept a life without her.

“Her appearances in my dreams encouraged me to move on. In one of such appearances, she told me: “I came and I have fulfilled my destiny on earth. I wished I stayed longer but that was my destiny and God’s words must surely come to pass in our lives. I am not coming again. I am happy where I am. It is well with all of you! Please I want to be remembered always in happiness. Stop getting worried any longer because you do most times. You cry often for missing me and wished that I lived so that you make some amends. It is too late now. You should move on. Your focus should be how to live long for our kids. Advise them properly and correct them positively whenever they go wrong, for their own good. Take good care of them and their offsprings as long as you witness and always bless and not curse any of them. (She smiled…..) I never cursed any of them. I only tried to make them look forward to being independent as my last days on earth approached. Because you need to live long for the kids, you can remarry instead of running into some temptations that are building up. Pray hard. God will show you the right person.

The person should not be very young. She must be older than our first kid. She must be able to stand in for the sake of the kids but she must not participate directly as one of the owners in any of our already established companies unless with express permission of all the kids. She will obey you. I must be respected. You know other things that would make the relationship to be soothing to me in death and useful to you in life unless if you want to continue to deceive yourself. You must not allow her do anything you know would not be pleasing. You are an intelligent man, I did say this often and I leave you to your conscience (she smiled…) till we meet to part no more. My love to all still existing and I want all to know this.”

“If she didn’t appear to me in my dreams, I wouldn’t have remarried. I remarried after three years of her death. Time reversed everything. I didn’t want a situation where I would be bringing different women to our home: After the dreams, I began to consider marriage again. Being alone may not be the problem, the problem is the temptations that loneliness and being alone ferment. That would be very disrespectful to her memory and our children. I remarried, with her blessings. I am no longer mourning but her memories are indelible.”

Credit: http://www.punchng.com/news/i-kept-my-wifes-corpse-in-a-room-for-three-months-hoping-she-would-wake-up-edwin-christy-essien-igbokwes-husband/

True love never dies

neutrotoba: True love never dies

you must be high on weed

Nastydroid: you must be high on weed

is dat supposed 2 make me laff? Nice attempt

neutrotoba: is dat supposed 2 make me laff? Nice attempt

:/*continues chewing pop corn*

I really didn,t hv d time reading ur long story...but from d caption... i tink u nid psychiatric help ASAP

hybridtm: I really didn,t hv d time reading ur long story...but from d caption... i tink u nid psychiatric help ASAP

Then stop making comments if you cant read the whole news.


******----

I am stunned at how quick most men want to remarry after losing their wives. You spend 32 years of ur life with someone and in just 3yrs all that memory is overtaken and its okay to marry again even at age 61?

I agree lonliness is a major reason for this but........ it seems akward that after all the glorious words and claims of love you can still readily fall for another.

Different Strokes.... Same folks

hmm..

Wow....that's all I can say

He remarried after all, I was expecting to read otherwise.
I bet if she was the bereaved ,she'll not

Eeya

I don't know why all d fuss about him re-marrying? The fact that he remarried doesn't mean he loved her less or wasn't true to his words, he simply came back to reality after almost losing it; besides u all read when he said she appeared to him in the dream in that regard.

Wonders!

Hmmmmmmmmmm

Is this luv, optimism, or stupidity

Corpse? Sorry to say, it's a dead hope.

hmmm.. 3months!


But sir, adonbilivit

We know you love your wife, but you exagerated the 3months..


But thats none of my business..

So sad, jack and rose thingz

cud it be dat d woman was into somtin strainge,,how cud everyting ceiz to work wen she was admited into hospital,and she even knw d tym she wil die, i dont trust so many of ancient musicians wid juju,

35+19=54, but she died @50 sha

Anyway, we should be careful what we wish for ourselves because the tongue is powerful enough to bring it to existence..

I can imagine. I am going through the same exact thing right now. Don't wish the pain, the confusion, the crying and the depression upon my enemy.

Lost my angel, the love of my life, my world, my everything to LUTH's carelessness 2 months back and my world has ever since turned up side down.


Hmm, my story. It will make me cry writing about it but as it may help someone, I will write about it. Going to be long though and maybe full of errors as I can't stop crying writing it.

I met her 2010. She saw my phone number on the page of a newspaper and called me asking me to guide her on how to make money online. We agreed to meet, we met in an eatery in Ikotun ( Lagos ). I instantly liked her but I was in a relationshop, a relationship that was killing me and that I knew was going to end in ruins for many reasons but been me, I felt going out with another girl will be tantamount to cheating on my ex. To make it worst, T ( I will call her T, I can't reveal her real name quiet a number of people here know her ) was lanky and I am almost a dwarft. I got intimated by her status and the fact that she had a good job ( so I though but ironically I was earning more than her ), dresses well and expensive.

She came to my house a couple of times for training but most times a clone of me trains her while another clone of me fantasizes about how it would be to have her to myself not as a girlfriend but as a wife.

Along the line, I deliberately cease contact with her because the temptation was just too much. She kept calling but I don't answer, ignore emails as well. She felt I was disappointed at her level of seriousness on learning internet marketing but the main reason is I wanted to kill what I have for her.

She stopped calling. But fast forward 3 years later, she came back into my life having lost her job and more desperate then I found out that the big status eye I was looking at her with was just my imagination. She had a low beginning and was still struggling. She was not as old as I thought and was not married ( not even in a relationship ).

That was it. December 13 2013 she finally said yes for us to date. Was the happiest day of my life. But then, she had a health challenge that she never knew existed.

She was always complaining of headache and having suffered from migraine for many years, I felt it was migraine as all the syptoms were that of migraine. We sorted help. Been me, I always prefer supplements than normal drug based meds. We went to GNC Surulere, spoke to the doctor there and she confirmed ( without us telling her what I thought could be the problem ) that it was possibly migraine. We spent right on the spot about 40k on supplements.

But instead of the problem is abate, it increases. One day, I was talking to her on phone and all of a sudden she asked to call me back. Been a man, I insisted ( thinking who could see be with ). She ended the call and then called back about 1 hour later saying she had some sort of electric shock on her left side body and could not breath. I felt it was stress. We both prayed over it and dismissed it.

When I knew there was problem.

Can't remember the date but it was the date Arsenal defeated Liverpool 2-0 in the FA cup this year ( February 2014 ), she took me to her parents and since I live to far away, I decided to stay in an hotel at shitta Surulere. We were in that hotel against her wish ( she thought by going into hotel I will be tempted to touch her after we both agreed no sex before marriage ), we were in the hotel waiting for the match to stay and 5 minutes later she said she wants to leave. Someone I had not seen for close to a month prior to that day. I was mad. Very mad but kept silent. Few minutes later she started complaining of headache, I asked her to rest which she did but not long, she started yelling, asking to leave. It felt embarrassing and abnormal at the same time.

Initially I was angry ( and I have an anger problem ) but didn't show the anger. I knew that was not my angel, that was not the girl I know. T was gentle, hardly picks quarrels. Right there I knew she needs help and urgent help. I talked to my foster family about it ( we have lots of doctors in the family ), they couldn't say much about it as they are in Germany and I am in Nigeria. I asked her to see a doctor, she complained of money, I gave her 60k to go with, she was not happy as we had spent well over 150k on meds and tests already.

I told her what to say to the doctor and based on that, they offered an MRI scan. First result. A menigoma. A brain tumor. I died. I farted several times, went to the loo. beckoned on my friend to read the result too. He didn't understand ( I understood with the help of Google ). I called T asking her what she was told, she said the doctor didn't say anything but that she had an emergency case and got a referral. I needed to be sure of what I already knew. Waited for my friend to hear from his own friend. And my fear was confirmed.

How do I break the news to my angel that she may die ( I was made to believe a brain tumor was a death sentence ). I cried, I rushed down to Surulere. That day I noticed she has lost so much weight, I saw her the way I never saw her the day before. I held back the tears, hugged her. Made her eat her food then asked her several

questions, everything proved the result was right. All the advance symptoms. She knew I know more than she already knew and told me " Abayomi, tell me everything you know, I know you have many doctors in your family, tell me, I can live with everything right now as I have the most high". The tears dropped then.

My world paused. I said nothing order than lied. We left ( myself and my friend ). While leaving, my friend called me telling me I was unfair on her, I should tell her exactly what the doctor was too scared to say. He made sense, I told her. She didn't understand it but knew it was serious. She hugged me the way she never did before and gave me the best kiss ever and said "I love you and surely I know you love me". I was both happy and sad.

The journey began. We were referred to a neurosurgeon by the name Dr Idowu at Lasuth. I drilled and grilled him. He was surprised I knew so much ( I spent 72 hours researching and talking to doctors both within my family and outside ). He told me the chances was good. It was just 10% chance of been a cancerous tumor. Gave me

several examples. We were give 3 options. 1. Do the surgery at lasuth. Veru cheap. 2. Go to a private hospital. Would cost 2.5m. 3. Go abroad. Would cost close to 4m. He sounded confident and had records to back up his claim. Obviously he knew I know and was ready to tell me what doctors call "the truth you tell a family".

We decided to do it at Lasuth. I talked to several people who vouch for the neurosurgeon saying he knows his stuff. My own foster father knows him from when they were in school though I didn't get to know from dad about it as he was dead at that time, my uncle mentioned to me how they know each other. My family said no to surgery saying the end result is always death or a rubbish life. I felt they were been too negative. She talked to a doctor in her church ( a popular church on the Island ), who knew the surgeon at lasuth and they gave her a go ahead after calling a prayer session for her.

Initially I didn't want us to do it but seeing her level of faith and strong believe, I decided to give her my backing. We paid for the surgery at lasuth, got blood from the blood bank, did everything then lasuth told us we have to wait close to 2 months. I was cool with it because she has no one else but me and if I am to foot all her bills ( x3 more then what we were initially told ) I will need time to raise the money as I was trying to change my apartment at the same time so it be easier for her to visit before we leave the country ( which was the plan ) but her church said no, they told her to go to luth. Referred her to someone else at luth who the church knows and can vouch for.

At this time, I was still feeling a miracle will happen and she will not do the surgery. May 1, she visited me. She told me to go donate blood for her as luth had no blood to sell and they won't accept anything we brought from lasuth. Was planning to go the next day May 2 when she called me that the doctor called her to come for admission. 5 days later, she had the surgery. She called me around 6am, I was staying at an hotel as going home from the hospital every day will cost me over 10k while hotel will cost me just 6500 per night, to tell me she was been taking away ( she was walking, even dancing, very healthy, no one will know anything is wrong with her if she does not have the siezure ). I rushed into the loo like 3 times. Then surmounted the courage and went to the hospital. Cried, hugged each other and she told me " I will come back and I will make you your favorite, catfish and porridge ". We laughed and hugged. They told me the surgery is normally 8 hours and above. 8 hours, no sight or sound of them. 10, 12. I was dying, couldn't eat. Her mom begged, did everything asking me to calm down. I was not going to be calm as if she knows the real truth, she would not be calm. 14 hours 15 minutes later, the consultant came out, it was SUCCESS but there was a problem. The tumor was not totally removed but according to him, it is not a tumor that relapses and we have the option of radio therapy. I was happy.

Around 1am, we took her alongside the nurses to the recovery room. She didn't need ICU which means we are saving 250k ( which they never returned anyway ). Next day, the doctors started looking for me ( my phones were off due to low battery and I was stressed from 14 hours of standing ) as she needed to see me. I got to the hospital around 10am. First thing she said was " my love, I have not seen you for 2 days now, I asked them to bring you to me, how are you, I am in pains, if I know it was like this, I would not do it". I cried within me. All her body was swollen. I couldn't hug her, she was in pains, I was in x3 pains seeing her that way.

2 days later, she moved to the ward. After about 2 weeks, I was told we had 7 more days and she can go home. She was fine. I decided to engage her, her best friend got me her ring size, I decided to order for the ring. Then May 21, I went to the hospital from the hotel as usual. First thing she did was to pick a fight with me for wearing a cloth she bought for me that she aske dme not to wear any more. I apologized ( not because I wanted to but because I rather she rests ) then 30 minutes later, she demanded for fruits, I gave her sister money to go buy it for her. Before she came back, T started asking for her other sister, accusing her family of not showing enough care for her as aside her immediate younger sister, the brothers hardly come around. I initially agreed with her as I had told my friend I was not happy with that too but then I noticed her worry was nothing as the person she requested for was with her all along. Her sister slept at the same hotel with me, and I know for sure she was with her. That went, she started asking about her other sister who went to get her fruits. Saying she has not come around for 3 days and that she is disappointed in everyone of them. First thing that came to my mind, MEMORY LOSS. I went after the doctors, alerted the nurses. I started going after them by 11am. They never came till 8pm.

She died. My angel died. I call her my unlikely angel as Dolly Parton's song Unlikely Angel used to be my favorite ( not any more ). Simply because they forgot to insert a clod or whatever, a clod they made me buy for 21k. Right there, they started throwing blames at each other. What happened, I asked ( as they had sent me to go buy meds for her, with the last cash I had both at hand and in bank until I get paid the next day ), one of them insulted me by saying " you already know". I held his neck, pulled him closer to me, was about to start punching him when I was pushed away. She was gone. I went into denial. I prayed, confessed the word but I never cried. Called her friend, everyone was shocked. It was " but she was find, she even started by herself, they even put her on a plastic chair" and all sort of. I refused she had died. Told her parents not to believe. I was like that for 4 days till she was buried. If I could go with her, I would have.

She left 8:05pm Wednesday May 21 and was buried Sunday. Ever since, I lost a part of me, days of crying, blaming myself, depression followed. No day I don't call her name without knowing I am doing so. I would have done it before I know I had. Her parents, siblings everyone has moved on, I was going to move on with the help of nairaland but the crash of the site pushed me down further and haven't been able to really recover. I have never been this bad and never will be. Never ever.

Wish I can say it more than this but Luth is one place I will never recommend to anyone. Dirty, the doctors use humans for practicals, the nurses rude, the money you spend on meds killing ( I personally counted how much I spent on meds and it was between 12-15k every day for the first 2 weeks and then 5-7k every day after ).

My only solace was the fact that I was with her every day sitting by her bed side ( at least 10 hours per day), cleaning her saliva, changing her position, my greatest regret is seeing her going and I can't do anything. It keeps haunting me till date.

Someone told u that he had a dream where he bought a private jet,had lunch with Obama n won a presidential election,all u have to do is to believe him cos u no follow am dey inside d dream. Thanks 4 sharing ur dream with us Oga,d summary of d whole gist is that u don marry another sherikoko. Congrats!







Btw I no believe that 3months gist abeg

What exactly is it about men that make them so....clingy? Men go about claiming to be macho, but once the woman in their life dies, they hurriedly get another one no matter how old they are.

A 23 year old woman can lose her husband and stay unmarried for the rest of her life even if they had just one child. A 57 year old man with 3 kids will still feel the need to re-marry once his wife dies.

Like a friend of mine once said, Eve came from Adam, so while Eve can stay on her own, Adam without Eve feels incomplete....and they call women clingy, indeed.

Konji wan kill am he run go remarry,he come say he receives him wife blessing,blessing ko nkem ni

wow ! speechless !

Your true love is possessed and u still kept her three months
#love wantintin#

safarigirl: What exactly is it about men that make them so....clingy? Men go about claiming to be macho, but once the woman in their life dies, they hurriedly get another one no matter how old they are.

A 23 year old woman can lose her husband and stay unmarried for the rest of her life even if they had just one child. A 57 year old man with 3 kids will still feel the need to re-marry once his wife dies.

Like a friend of mine once said, Eve came from Adam, so while Eve can stay on her own, Adam without Eve feels incomplete....and they call women clingy, indeed.

Don't say what u don't know,she fit no remarry but go dey play soccer around....I can give u examples if u want am