Last week, I raised a concern about my girl and how her pastor was trying to hook her up with another devoted member of the church:

https://www.nairaland.com/2033098/

Many intelligent contributions came in and most of them pointed out the fact that since we aren't married, she was right to 'test the waters'.

jmoore:


Back to topic. No woman is yours until you are married to her. Have you defined your relationship with ur gf? Any marriage plans with her?

xynerise:

The number of years you date a person doesn't guarantee you will marry him/her.

MissShakira:
Allow her 2 go cus u ar not yet hers untill u pay her bride price

samisparkle24:


My advice,be ready to marry her,as soon as possible,wetin you dey wait for

vhickky:
Maybe that is her future husband

Activity77:


Ask ursef would I marry her?
Does she possess d qualities I love in a girl.
If yes then let ur gf inform her pastor that shez already engaged.

samtol4:
100percent correct.You can date for 8years and never marry a lady while someone will date her for just 6months and marry her .

Sharksblow:

God bless you... I was gonna ask that. @OP, are you serious with her? if yes, propose. The pastor hasn't done anything wrong.

jmoore:

There is nothing like 'taken' until marriage.

Now my question: is it only through marriage that one secures a relationship? What about love? Trust? Can't one have a healthy relationship without being scared of losing the one you love because you are yet to get married to her? Should marriage be as a result of lack of confidence in the relationship? What happens to commitment? Should a lady settle with someone that proposed to her at the expense of the one she loves mostly because she wants to 'settle down'? Is there even a 'settling down' in marriage?

What's your take?

Cc: tolexander, jmoore, laurelP, sleekysugar, odunharry, ritababe, fragilegal, onyenna, mencade4, sleekbaby, xynerise (antelope) , missshakira, elantracey, williams20, samisparkle24, activity77, mzpreshie, warlord3000, obaino2013, vhikky

i think marriage without love can not work,



marriage is a union of two people that creates a family tie and carries legal and/or social rights and responsibilities.

for your love to be respected you have to be responsible and claim legal right by taking her to the alter and confess your love for her.

if you are not ready to do it and there is somebody else, then whats the purpose of the love?

i don't think so marrying your gf does not mean your relationship will be secured

The focus should be on you. Do you even want to marry at all?

If marriage is not in your plan, then leave her and find another lady that got same mindset with you.

Menopause is real, delay and she will marry someone else,

I reiterate, no woman is yours until you are married to her.

with the way the world has changed now .. relationships hold little or no value to many people.. just catch fun, hang around for a while and zoom off dating we see around now!

what's the major essence of dating someone? apart from companionship , there is always a goal .. (now I'm not talking about those just frolicking around)..

what's the point of dating if you don't look beyond?! if you are not in for marriage, leave the lass alone and go into a less committed union.. where both parties just wanaa hang around

jmoore:
The focus should be on you. Do you even want to marry at all?

Which normal person doesn't think of settling down when the time is right? If I'm planning towards 2 yrs time, the question remains: do I have to wander in uncertainty about my relationship until 2 yrs time when I'm ready to settle? Should I readjust my plans and settle immediately just because I'm scared of loosing her?

jmoore:

I reiterate, no woman is yours until you are married to her.

Even married women cheat on their husbands; so don't you think the aim of securing the relationship via marriage is defeated in such cases?

jmoore:

Menopause is real, delay and she will marry someone else,

Smh! She's eons away from menopause!

Marriage is relationship and relationship is marriage.

MaziOmenuko:


Which normal person doesn't think of settling down when the time is right? If I'm planning towards 2 yrs time, the question remains: do I have to wander in uncertainty about my relationship until 2 yrs time when I'm ready to settle? Should I readjust my plans and settle immediately just because I'm scared of loosing her?

Both of you need to sit down and talk.

MaziOmenuko:
Even married women cheat on their husbands; so don't you think the aim of securing the relationship via marriage is defeated in such cases?

The aim of marriage is not to prevent cheating. If you have a certificate of occupancy, it doesn't stop thieves from coming to your house.

Dear friend MaziOmenuko,

Marry when you are ready. I hope you understand "ready" here.

By ready I mean,

Financially, Spiritually and Emotionally.

You are the one to tell yourself the time, not your pastor, Parents, friends or your girlfriend/lover whatever.

It will be a wise decision if you communicate your plans to your partner and from there you will find out what her plans are too.

If she is willing to wait for you for as long as it takes to be ready, she is the one for you, love or no love.

If she is unwilling, move on, women abound (that's being ready emotionally I said earlier) if you can't move on, you are not ready emotionally to enter marriage.

Love should never thrump prudence and there's no such thing "soul mate" as a noun.

Soul mate is a noun only if its that hair cream otherwise, its an adjective.

jnrbayano:

Soul mate is a noun only if its that hair cream otherwise, its an adjective.

Now this got me

jmoore:


The aim of marriage is not to prevent cheating. If you have a certificate of occupancy, it doesn't stop thieves from coming to your house.

Always speaking in parables!
You leave a niggur more confused than he was!

Now to answer your question- marriage isn't the only way to secure a relationship; love, understanding and commitment is. At this point, I believe your girlfriend already planned out her life; the age she wants to get married, when she intends to have her last kid, etc. If her marriageable age bracket suits your own plan of when to settle down, then you can have a secure relationship, that is if you are both willing to play faithful. But if you are 2 or more years ahead from her planned age, then there's no relationship. What I'm trying to say is that securing your relationship is upto you and your girlfriend. Marriage, these days, doesn't secure your relationship, not with the high rate of divorce. So to secure your relationship in/outside marriage, you must Love each other.
Understand each other and
Be willing to stay committed to that one person.

^^ darrs wharr am talking about!

A very nice response.

MzPreshie:
Now to answer your question- marriage isn't the only way to secure a relationship; love, understanding and commitment is. At this point, I believe your girlfriend already planned out her life; the age she wants to get married, when she intends to have her last kid, etc. If her marriageable age bracket suits your own plan of when to settle down, then you can have a secure relationship, that is if you are both willing to play faithful. But if you are 2 or more years ahead from her planned age, then there's no relationship. What I'm trying to say is that securing your relationship is upto you and your girlfriend. Marriage, these days, doesn't secure your relationship, not with the high rate of divorce. So to secure your relationship in/outside marriage, you must Love each other.
Understand each other and
Be willing to stay committed to that one person.

love, commitment and trust can be summed up to be the requite traits to possess before marriage sets in.

All the traits are means to an end which is marriage. Although, several marriages are built on flexible traits unlike the ones meant to be the bricks and pillars of such relationship.

Is writing a msg..

Bro...This is Africa, we dey Naija


It is assumed Marriage is the only way to secure a relationship. The view of the Public. In Islamic parlance, its called an 'Urf. English speakers call it Public opinion.

Get married bro, dts wt Nigerians count as Success

It shouldn't be that way...

Unfortunately.. It is that way...

It's like running around the soccer field for 90mins..

The determinant and crown to all that effort is a GOAL being scored or else every other thing done since is a waste of time..[effort in futility]..

If left to some of us.... We will prefer having a never ending relationship without the marriage tag.. {Oprah Winfried relationship is an example... Dating a guy for over 30yrs and yet they kept it like that with no marriage tag or formality on it]..


It's gonna be hard to do in Africa..

Especially looking at it from the female side##What If the guy just woke up one day and says he is done with the relationship.. ##

What happens to all the wasted years together... The years added up to her age making her a less better proposition for guys out there..

What happens to all the advances she chased off all because of him while the number of suitors would have been reduced drastically..

Unfair.. At least in every sense of it..

But marriage is like a social security ID for them *her in particular *

Crazy world we live in..

^^^

Mazi, I think this answers your question.

Marriage ensure the woman has a tag on her. Without it,she's free like a bird,who anyone can lay claim to..

That's the society we are.

Sometimes the only way to secure a relationship is not to make attempts to secure it. Crazy right?

xynerise:
Sometimes the only way to secure a relationship is not to make attempts to secure it. Crazy right?

Yea, very crazy! Did you postulate that theory? Has it worked for you before?

Yomieluv:
Marriage ensure the woman has a tag on her. Without it,she's free like a bird, who anyone can lay claim to..
.

That's very horribly to imagine!

MaziOmenuko:


Yea, very crazy! Did you postulate that theory? Has it worked for you before?

Yes I did. But it doesn't work using the literal meaning. It is working for me presently

Blood Oath/Convenant.yea....

tartar9:
Blood Oath/Convenant.yea....

Are you kidding me

In this 21st century

Hmmm, good evening nairalanders
Marriage won't prevent a cheating partner from cheating on you ......
Therefore the basis of every relationship should be on the commitment of the partners and not on the pressure of getting married quickly so as to track down your supposed spouse .

The rule is this , if you are not happy with the relationship , you won't be happy with the marriage
So you need to really ask yourself , is this lady worth holding me forever , Marriage is a forever thing and not something you can choose to leave anytime ,
Never let the pressure of your spouse push you into marriage if you are not ready for it and by the way , if your supposed fiancee / fiance can't remain committed to you and the love you have for each other and claims its because you both are not married , the same pressure of equal or greater magnitude will come when you get married and then it will be termed TEMPTATION ..........

If she is in haste to settle down and doesn't believe in the love you have for yourself , the. Getting married to her won't stop that yearning .............

A Lady's dream is to be in a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage.....FACT!..... If you wanna get married in 2yrs time, let her know your plans for her and make her understand that she ain't wasting her 'Precious Years' on/with you........If she ain't ready to wait for you, then, there's problem.......
NB: If you rush into marriage knowing fully well that you're not ready, then, the marriage is likely to Crash!

BTW: Maziomenuko, Marriage Is Not The Only Way To Secure A Relationship..... Some of the major Ingredients required are LOVE, TRUST and COMMUNICATION.......

@MaziOmenuko, sorry I am replying now.. I just stumbled on this piece, and that's because I didn't see the mention, due to an error in my moniker wrongly spelt..

Back to the topic: Lol... How can marriage be the only way to secure a relationship? At the rate of divorce daily, this should have answered your question...


Whatever happened to LOVE, trust, commitment, sacrifices, COMMUNICATION, and the list continues...


Communicate with her.. Let her know your plans for her cos the dream of every lady in a successful relationship is to be married someday..

Also, most importantly, build your relationship and learn to understand each other better...


My mum brought me up with these words: "A broken courtship/relationship is better than a broken marriage.. If you RUSH IN, you'll definitely RUSH OUT..

@sleekyshuga and @onyenna; wonderful input, my sentiments exactly. Marriage shouldn't be the binding factor in a relatnship; a relationship ought to support the marriage and not the other way round.
Personally, I am of the opinion that marriage should be a plus and not the 'inn' thing!

MaziOmenuko:
@sleekyshuga and @onyenna; wonderful input, my sentiments exactly. Marriage shouldn't be the binding factor in a relatnship; a relationship ought to support the marriage and not the other way round.
Personally, I am of the opinion that marriage should be a plus and not the 'inn' thing!

You are most welcome .

Bros,it depends on the lady involve,if she is okay with the relationship,just the way it is,without consideration for marriage.

Unfortunately,most of our ladies,are not wired that way. They desire men,they could call their husbands. They are always inscure,to just relationship.