fem29:


Yes submission can only coexist with love. How can you submit consistently to someone who does not have your best interests at heart but only his selfish interests

There is something fundamentally wrong with the way marriage is in Nigeria (not saying abroad is better; I do not give a hoot. I am a Nigerian and concern myself with Nigeria)

Submission = poo taking and the more the poo, the better the wife.

Funny enough, the Nigerian men here will claim saint obi and start foaming in the mouth If you say 'an average Nigerian husband makes a terrible husband'

Will keep saying saying it: In Nigeria,

70% of problems caused in relationships are by women.

70% of problems caused in marriage are by men.

Men need serious training on marriage. I was So happy when our pastor announced that RCCG is ready to resurrect the dead men's fellowship and name it 'The Redeemer's Men Fellowship'.

I often wondered How the women kept running helter skelter to organize marriage seminars without training the men.

Women need training on relationships. They have This 'it is my time' syndrome and treat the guys with levity. This might be because they know the loving fiances would transformate: maybe the sweet fiances transformate because baby girl showed them pepper during courting? Strangely, a number of guys love up especially in their first relationships... always wanting to Please their lady.

Please respectfully decline a loved up guy you do not like. We do not want more terrible husbands; Do not chase a girl with love when all you want is her waist. No more distrust amongst wives

We women also need to stop enabling these situations. A number of people have my mother endured shyte So Why can't my wife do same or Why should I leave because of? I was afraid here when one guy said If his mother could endure his father, he doesn't see Why any woman should be divorced.

To think We are not even willing to make it right despite the fact that We hinge our lives on marriage is sad.

bukatyne:


There is something fundamentally wrong with the way marriage is in Nigeria (not saying abroad is better; I do not give a hoot. I am a Nigerian and concern myself with Nigeria)

Submission = poo taking and the more the poo, the better the wife.

Funny enough, the Nigerian men here will claim saint obi and start foaming in the mouth If you say 'an average Nigerian husband makes a terrible husband'

Will keep saying saying it: In Nigeria,

70% of problems caused in relationships are by women.

70% of problems caused in marriage are by men.

Men need serious training on marriage. I was So happy when our pastor announced that RCCG is ready to resurrect the dead men's fellowship and name it 'The Redeemer's Men Fellowship'.

I often wondered How the women kept running helter skelter to organize marriage seminars without training the men.

Women need training on relationships. They have This 'it is my time' syndrome and treat the guys with levity. This might be because they know the loving fiances would transformate: maybe the sweet fiances transformate because baby girl showed them pepper during courting?

We women also need to stop enabling these situations. A number of people have my mother endured shyte So Why can't my wife do same or Why should I leave because of? I was afraid here when one guy said If his mother could endure his father, he doesn't see Why any woman should be divorced.

To think We are not even willing to make it right despite the fact that We hinge our lives on marriage is sad.

I dare stretch it to say that any man that constantly tells his wife to submit is an abusive man
Anytime a man shouts submit submit submit,that woman has really seen pepper
It is a piece of cake to submit to a man that loves you and treats you right
It is effortless to submit to a good man
He doesn't have to ask for it or demand it
It comes naturally by his loving and respecting you.

babyosisi:


I dare stretch it to say that any man that constantly tells his wife to submit is an abusive man
Anytime a man shouts submit submit submit,that woman has really seen pepper
It is a piece of cake to submit to a man that loves you and treats you right
It is effortless to submit to a good man
He doesn't have to ask for it or demand it
It comes naturally by his loving and respecting you.

You see Why I am happy the men's group is functional?

The men would start learning.

Your post is spot on.

obiak4:
THANKS YOU ARE JUST IN ANOTHER WORLD WAKE UP IT 2015 REASONING PREVAIL NOW, HAVE FUN BUT DON'T COME I HERE AND SHOW YOUR STUPIDITY THANK ME LATER ONE LOVE

Lunatic is talking about reasoning? None of your post make any sense. Dude you are so off point, you stup!dity is of epic proportion. Go & show your !mbecilic mum One Love, she will need it.

RiffRaff:


Dont let societal expectation determine your decision in life. If u choose not to marry cuz you did not find the Right person. It is much better for you.

Than live the miserable life those people who say they are married live.
Just spend your time in the family section for 2 days & you will know the BONDAGE Nigerians calls marriage is not worth it.

well, like I said anything aside happiness companionship respect helping eachother, den marriage is not worth entering at all.

babyosisi:

I dare stretch it to say that any man that constantly tells his wife to submit is an abusive man

By your reasoning, the Bible that asks women to submit to their husbands is a book of abusers. You keep unraveling with each post, until the day you will fully unravel and unsuspecting,gullible women who reads your post will know what a scammer you are.

dinachi:

By your reasoning, the Bible that asks women to submit to their husbands is a book of abusers. You keep unraveling with each post, until the day you will fully unravel and unsuspecting,gullible women who reads your post will know what a scammer you are.

If this is your interpretation of my response to bukatyne then your problems are deeper than I envisaged
Can't help you nna a

babyosisi:

If this is your interpretation of my response to bukatyne then your problems are deeper than I envisaged
Can't help you nna a

You need help from yourself. The issue about submitting is biblical and for you to attack that notion just because a man says so to his wife shows your spiritual leaning! You are definitely not representing christian women or even sensible women at all. The wise ones has already moved on after seeing you for what you are. As usual you can huff and puff but the real truth is that you represent that confounding idiocy found in those with absolutely no regard for the creator and in superfliuty of naughtiness thinks they have anything sensible to offer.

dinachi:

You need help from yourself. The issue about submitting is biblical and for you to attack that notion just because a man says so to his wife shows your spiritual leaning! You are definitely not representing christian women or even sensible women at all. The wise ones has already moved on after seeing you for what you are. As usual you can huff and puff but the real truth is that you represent that confounding idiocy found in those with absolutely no regard for the creator and in superfliuty of naughtiness thinks they have anything sensible to offer.

Somehow in your delusions you actually count yourself as someone wise or reasonable ?
Seriously?
Hahahahahahahaha !!!!
Where are those funny gifs when you need them
The word wisdom has indeed been bastardized

pato405:



You've said it all!

I couldn't have said it better.

Frankly, I was fuming with disgust when I read OP's post. I cant agree more that OP is insecure, loutish and lacks courtesy. Marriage requires diplomacy and maturity. Op has clearly demonstrated that she grossly lacks both.

1. Your hubby reassured you he will take care of the kids, why bother? At that point when you doubted his ability to fully cater for his kids in less than 24hours that you are away, I'm sure you deflated his morale, his confidence, his pride as a father, his ability to take charge and responsibility in your absence....etc...that alone is enough to stir strife and indignation. He must have been grappling to clamp his pulse when you 'added salt to injury' by confiscating his wallet - this prompted his vehement action (pushing) against you. I guess you were lucky the accident only ended in a concussion. It could have been worse.

2. You MIL refused your calls, so what the heck? without her, you can surely make alternatives ( which I think is absolutely unnecessary since your hubby gave his words. Why whining like one childish moaning minnie.

I can go on & on, but apparently, a lot has been said and I want to believe that you have gained one or two things from the load of comments on your thread. Pls learn to be calm, relaxed and manage pressures with less worry. Equanimity is one quality that I can clearly spot isn't in your character. There was no point calling your mum (though you haven't stated you did) or your MIL.

Amen!
I think she has learned a few things by now.
Without this NL ehn. . . . .?

babyosisi:

Somehow in your delusions you actually count yourself as someone wise or reasonable ?
Seriously?
Hahahahahahahaha !!!!
Where are those funny gifts when you need them
The word wisdom has indeed been bastardized

There she goes again....spewing jibberish and nonsense.

repogirl:
Guy, may God forever keep blessing you for this your statement!

Many women have not chopped half the shite my mother chopped. For years she endured with my dad and it wasn't only until about three years back my dad began to appreciate her.

She stuck with him through his rubbish, horrible times, emotional and verbal abuse but after twenty five long years, my dad became a changed man. He showered her with praises, good words, Money, anything she wanted before he passed on a month ago.

Maybe I learnt this patience from her but even me sef know sey I no reach her level. I wouldn't equate a woman with a dustbin ... even dustbin sef dey full but then you need an amazing amount of wisdom to tackle this marriage thing.

There will be trying times but if you can manage through it, it gets better, hopefully.

Lmao, is this supposed to be a good thing after 25 years of suffering he gave her a few years with respect and now all other women should look forward to the fact that after 25 years they may get some respect and love from their husband. Chai, a lotNigerian women have given put their brains if this is lowly you think of yourself. No wonder men treat their wives like crap here since they will eat the crap and even thank him Rubbish, can't imagine anyone telling such to be daughter

DollyParton1:


What's there to learn? Pray tell me.
People like you encourages spousal abuse.

Eya common english u can't spoke

bamidele029:


Lmao, is this supposed to be a good thing after 25 years of suffering he gave her a few years with respect and now all other women should look forward to the fact that after 25 years they may get some respect and love from their husband. Chai, a lotNigerian women have given put their brains if this is lowly you think of yourself. No wonder men treat their wives like crap here since they will eat the crap and even thank him Rubbish, can't imagine anyone telling such to be daughter

Nna na wa o
Didn't I write it earlier that these abusive men return to the women when they are sick and dying / down and out and looking for someone to nurse them.
If a man called me ewu for years and starts being nice after 25 years of abuse,I should have enough common sense to see through that 419

sleekman:
Eya common english u can't spoke

Nîğğâ please...... swerve!!!!

repogirl:
See, I have been married a few years now and the best advice I can give a woman is know your husband and pick your battles wisely.

Yes, know ur husband and pick ur battles wisely, but dont let him turn you to something to be trampled upon.
And the fact that someone has been married for donkey years doesn't equate to been able to give a sound advice.

No point in fighting what you won't win but will only strain your relationship. Talk in a calm sensible manner about your issue when tempers are cool and most times just let him win. I am not saying be a pushover but just be wise about your confrontation.

Okay, he doesn't like her mother...... So she should force him to like her? I don't get it, did he marry her mother also?

There are some things you should fight out rightly. And no, you dont have to let him win, if he shouldn't have to win. Don't indulge a man. Let him act and be treated like a man that he is and not a big baby.
Lolz... did he marry her mother too? Are u seriously asking that question? Errrm he din't marry the mother too, but he married the daughter of that mother whom he dislike. You need me to break it down for u?
And his dislike for the MIL blinded him to the extent that he doesn't want his kids (the grandchildren of that MIL) around her.

How was she sure that she would be locked out? Has he done it before? And even if he does, that is when you should take up the issue with him. Not before,that is what will made her get injured.

Had I been in her shoes, I would have kept calling earlier to let him know I was on my way and he should make preparations to get me the key if he wouldn't be at home.

Besides she even has a help, so the help will not be around also to open the door?

Did u read the OP'S posts and replies at all? I dont think you did. She said the maid won't be around because she gave her the day off.
She stated that her husband is the type of person with unpredictable movement due to the nature of his job. So the possibility of meeting him at home is lower than the possibility of not meeting him at home. Tell me, who would wanna embark on a journey like that without a key, knowing that they might return very late at night to no one at home?

About the mother in law, the OP should just forget about her since she has distanced herself from her. The OP should settle her matters in house and read her husband.

I believe that's what everyone has been telling her. And that she needs to look deeper than that.

This is a young marriage and if the OP keeps a cool head, things will sort themselves out but if she wants to fight fire with fire, hmmmmm someone is gonna get burnt for sure.

For me when my husband begins act irrationally as men often times do, making unnecessary rules and demands, I don't bother talking. I will want to tell him some truths too but in order not to aggravate things, I just say what I want to say in my head.

No, things don't sort itself out. Things are sorted out by human beings when they adress them through matured dialogue. Boundaries can and should be set amicably. I am not telling her to fight, but that she is a person whose voice, opinions, emotions and relatives matter irrespective of her gender.

Mind you, I do lose my cool o but I lose it when its well deserved and him sef will know he has probably gone too far but when a woman consistently barks, you don't know when she is barking or when she wants to bite.

No body is telling her to loose her cool every time or bark or bite or anything. There are ways she can command respect for herself and her family without loosing her cool.

Finally if the OP is also looking inward, analysing herself and how her own actions might be affecting the situation, then that's a good start to things being better.

Thats the problem with everything, you just have to blame the woman, because men are infallible abi. You dont think it might have been the husband too? Remember your earlier post heaped the whole blame on her, asserting that its her strong headedness that's behind all these wahala, despite the fact that you did not read everything carefully.

DollyParton1:

Yes, know ur husband and pick ur battles wisely, but dont let him turn you to something to be trampled upon.
And the fact that someone has been married for donkey years doesn't equate to been able to give a sound advice.

There are some things you should fight out rightly. And no, you dont have to let him win, if he shouldn't have to win. Don't indulge a man. Let him act and be treated like a man that he is and not a big baby.
Lolz... did he marry her mother too? Are u seriously asking that question? Errrm he din't marry the mother too, but he married the daughter of that mother whom he dislike. You need me to break it down for u?
And his dislike for the MIL blinded him to the extent that he doesn't want his kids (the grandchildren of that MIL) around her.


Did u read the OP'S posts and replies at all? I dont think you did. She said the maid won't be around because she gave her the day off.
She stated that her husband is the type of person with unpredictable movement due to the nature of his job. So the possibility of meeting him at home is lower than the possibility of not meeting him at home. Tell me, who would wanna embark on a journey like that without a key, knowing that they might return very late at night to no one at home?



I believe that's what everyone has been telling her. And that she needs to look deeper than that.


No, things don't sort itself out. Things are sorted out by human beings when they adress them through matured dialogue. Boundaries can and should be set amicably. I am not telling her to fight, but that she is a person whose voice, opinions, emotions and relatives matter irrespective of her gender.


No body is telling her to loose her cool every time or bark or bite or anything. There are ways she can command respect for herself and her family without loosing her cool.


Thats the problem with everything, you just have to blame the woman, because men are infallible abi. You dont think it might have been the husband too? Remember your earlier post heaped the whole blame on her, asserting that its her strong headedness that's behind all these wahala, despite the fact that you did not read everything carefully.

Can I like this a thousand times?

DollyParton1:

Yes, know ur husband and pick ur battles wisely, but dont let him turn you to something to be trampled upon.
And the fact that someone has been married for donkey years doesn't equate to been able to give a sound advice.

There are some things you should fight out rightly. And no, you dont have to let him win, if he shouldn't have to win. Don't indulge a man. Let him act and be treated like a man that he is and not a big baby.
Lolz... did he marry her mother too? Are u seriously asking that question? Errrm he din't marry the mother too, but he married the daughter of that mother whom he dislike. You need me to break it down for u?
And his dislike for the MIL blinded him to the extent that he doesn't want his kids (the grandchildren of that MIL) around her.


Did u read the OP'S posts and replies at all? I dont think you did. She said the maid won't be around because she gave her the day off.
She stated that her husband is the type of person with unpredictable movement due to the nature of his job. So the possibility of meeting him at home is lower than the possibility of not meeting him at home. Tell me, who would wanna embark on a journey like that without a key, knowing that they might return very late at night to no one at home?



I believe that's what everyone has been telling her. And that she needs to look deeper than that.


No, things don't sort itself out. Things are sorted out by human beings when they adress them through matured dialogue. Boundaries can and should be set amicably. I am not telling her to fight, but that she is a person whose voice, opinions, emotions and relatives matter irrespective of her gender.


No body is telling her to loose her cool every time or bark or bite or anything. There are ways she can command respect for herself and her family without loosing her cool.


Thats the problem with everything, you just have to blame the woman, because men are infallible abi. You dont think it might have been the husband too? Remember your earlier post heaped the whole blame on her, asserting that its her strong headedness that's behind all these wahala, despite the fact that you did not read everything carefully.

in summary of everything you have countered, I'll just say many times in a relationship one person has to go under for the other one to stand, it is understanding...... Taking that wallet had been the defining moment that made things go out of hand.

When you see fire brimming, you don't add petrol to it, instead you douse it. I agree the man was wrong but the OP played her part which at that moment was wrong and escalated every thing nearly leading to a serious injury.

Sometimes you let him win, you retreat and bring it up when tempers have cooled.

Again I am not solely blaming the op, but she is the one here looking for advice and am stating where she went wrong. If it were the man, I would tell him his own.

Finally being married a number of years doesn't mean someone is all knowledgeable about marriage but for some of us who have been in different situations and experienced personally some of these things and have also chosen to learn and grow from our mistakes, there is nothing stopping us from giving our take on it. After all isn't experience the best teacher?

repogirl:
in summary of everything you have countered, I'll just say many times in a relationship one person has to go under for the other one to stand, it is understanding...... Taking that wallet had been the defining moment that made things go out of hand.

But a woman is expected to go under always, thats not understanding, that submersion.Taking the keys away wasn't the defining moment right? But taking the wallet which was a reaction to the husband's action is the defining moment. Issorai.
Although two wrongs don't make a right, I can't fault that lady entirely, because no one in their right senses would embark on a journey, knowing that they might end up being locked out.

When you see fire brimming, you don't add petrol to it, instead you douse it. I agree the man was wrong but the OP played her part which at that moment was wrong and escalated every thing nearly leading to a serious injury.
Sometimes you let him win, you retreat and bring it up when tempers have cooled.

You talk as if men should be seen as god or something. So u think she should have walked away with no keys, because she was trying to quench a fire which shouldn't be in the first place. There are some things you walk away from, there are some you don't walk away from. One can only take a particular amount of shite before one starts vomiting shite.
Head injury confirmed on a CT scan is a serious injury.

Again I am not solely blaming the op, but she is the one here looking for advice and am stating where she went wrong. If it were the man, I would tell him his own.

Again your earliest post stated otherwise. That was why I had to quote you in the first place. You blamed her solely.

Finally being married a number of years doesn't mean someone is all knowledgeable about marriage but for some of us who have been in different situations and experienced personally some of these things and have also chosen to learn and grow from our mistakes, there is nothing stopping us from giving our take on it. After all isn't experience the best teacher?

Experience is the best teacher, if you gained any knowledge or know how to apply the knowledge you gained from experience.
I still stand firmly on my words, that, being married for donkey years doesn't equate to been able to give an appropriate advice.

DollyParton1:
Nîğğâ please...... swerve!!!!

spoke d english nah!

Politician is not a job. Tell your husband to get a real job.

BoboYekini:
Politician is not a job. Tell your husband to get a real job.

what do you know. Gov Amaechi that just celebrated his 50th birthday and has held one political post or the other since he was 34 years old, will you tell him to go and get a real job? someone that can buy you and your family 10 times over. 8 more years of politicking, and he would have spent his whole working career as a politician. so if you don't have any reasonable contribution, just stfu.

for the rest of you who made very helpful contributions, positive and negative, thank you very much. hubby and i had a heart to heart conversation, we learnt from our mistakes, figured out what we could have done differently and our marriage is back to rosy-land again. i've learnt to keep the MIL far away from our affairs. we've neither spoken to nor seen each other since then. whenever our paths cross, i'm sure time will have healed all wounds. remain blessed y'all

nickibarb:


what do you know. Gov Amaechi that just celebrated his 50th birthday and has held one political post or the other since he was 34 years old, will you tell him to go and get a real job? someone that can buy you and your family 10 times over. 8 more years of politicizing, and he would have spent his whole working career as a politician. so if you don't have any reasonable contribution, just stfu.

for the rest of you who made very helpful contributions, positive and negative, thank you very much. hubby and i had a heart to heart conversation, we learnt from our mistakes, figured out what we could have done differently and our marriage is back to rosy-land again. i've learnt to keep the MIL far away from our affairs. we've neither spoken to nor seen each other since then. whenever our paths cross, i'm sure time will have healed all wounds. remain blessed y'all

Good to know

Have a great long weekend.

Austin4lif:
stop discussing ur family issue with the whole of Nigeria. Don't you have a pastor or ur Rev. Father? Don't u have respected people in ur family. Madam Nairaland or social network is not a place to go for marriage counseling.

and who said nairaland cannot help her or help others learn from her topic. Stop saying things you don't know.

Nigeriangirl:


SURElee, God bless u. I think there's been history of physical abuse or wahala dey plenty cos nickibarb mentioned telling him she was tired of "fighting", cam't remember the exact word.
To each their own but for me, before marriage and even few months into mine, i was all for staying in it for better or worse till death... till i saw death actually calling with all the attendant health challenges i developed while forming WONDER WOMAN and pretending to everyone all was well while being manhandled at home.

Domestic Violence is a no no for me, every other challenge can be dialogued over and solved but battle of the fists, NO WAY!!!

Long time. Did you travel out of cyber space?

mrssho:



I think there are underlying issues here i.e. you do not trust your husbands judgement. I would think that as a grown man if he had to leave he would either a) Take them with him if he can b) cancel any engagement c) drop them off at his mom's or d) drop them off with a trusted family friend or your parents. Its actually a bit annoying and if i were your husband i would be upset to (does not justify him pushing you though) because by calling his mom you are telling him he is not capable of taking care of the children he brought into this world with you, that is a serious bruise to his ego! When I was a child my dad used to take care of me when my mom would travel for weeks..........everything from bathing to feeding to taking me to day care.....................So the question is, why dont you think your husband is capable? A lot of women would be happy if their husbands told them don't worry go and do your exams I will sort out the kids

Ego ko, nyash ni

dinachi:

You need help from yourself. The issue about submitting is biblical and for you to attack that notion just because a man says so to his wife shows your spiritual leaning! You are definitely not representing christian women or even sensible women at all. The wise ones has already moved on after seeing you for what you are. As usual you can huff and puff but the real truth is that you represent that confounding idiocy found in those with absolutely no regard for the creator and in superfliuty of naughtiness thinks they have anything sensible to offer.

Pls shut up! Do you even know the meaning of submission? To submit doesn't equal not having a say. You people will blackmail women by quoting the bible but forget the line that actually says "submit to one another". You are the one who lacks understanding of what real submission is. Pls get out of here!

Jahblessme:
I wonder why you are focusing on your mil?
Your husband is the one who pushed you and you sustained a head injury.

Your husband is the one who locked you out of the house.

Your husband is the one acting like your parents can't care for your children.

You both have issues which are deeper than you are letting on and I feel the focus on mil is a way to deflect.Take care to discuss with hubby that getting physical is something you will not accept! You too be careful what you do.

Your husband and his mother have huge plans for your kids,with you in the picture or not.You are not even allowed to make decisions on the care of your own children.Locking out of house And you are busy focusing on MIL

You'd best start sorting this out before the river will swallow you.
You are the woman of the house,better solidify your position there.You can ignore or patch up with MIL later,your choice.Of course you will be forced to say sorry for something you aren't guilty of,forced to say sorry for her disrespecting your parents too.That's the naija method...total humiliation.

What did your parents do that they are not allowed to care for their own grandkidsThey will be cut off very soon unless you stand up for them and refuse to allow this nonsense.Abi they are not as rich as your hubby and therefore underlings??

Good luck,you will need it!!

A million likes and gbozas!!

babygirlfl:
People are a product of their upbringing. It is almost a waste of time trying to get words through to some women because suffering is the new normal. So a woman was married to a man for 28years and only enjoyed him on the last three years and all women should aspire to be like that woman? Do these women ever stop and think that some other woman enjoyed her husband for the full length of their marriage? If anything, the lesson to learn from that long suffering situation is not to end up like such women but the disgusting thing is that rather than do the next generation of women good by breaking such circle, people ( including women themselves) are hell bent on living that kind of life. It's really sad.

We break the circle when we start raising our young women like men. Career is a must but marriage is a choice! We demand that our women study medicine, accounting, engineering, law,science and technology etc the way we demand from men.. Women can be breadwinners as well. Economic empowerment first!!

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