u need to know dat not everyone wants u to suceed . both ur hubby n MIL didn't hv ur best interests at heart , definitely not ur MIL . she said couples shud keep issues to themselves but she was on the phone talking to her son n obviously heard his side but refused to hear urs! ur MIL knew ur predicament n could've stepped in if she wanted to help u and had nothing against u. she heard abt ur head injury but still didn't give a damn. omg , dis family will kill u one day n won't give a shii . did ur hubby apologize for pushing u , resulting in ur head injury ? it could've been worse , u cud've died , i mean anything cud've happened . u shud try n get ur own family involved in what is going on in ur life n at home . don't think bc dey're richer than ur family dey can treat u like crap . keep ur distance from ur MIL from now on . u did nothing wrong , u are the victim here . i'm sorry u'r goin thru all dis !

Wedon:


She was already interfering when she took your husband's call and listend to just his own side of the story. So she was on the phone with him all through and heard him beating you up? was she the one advising him to do that

True you have a bond with your husband, but you have neglected to realize that she has an even greater bond with him . . . that of a mother and child. Only truly unique MIL's will choose their DIL's over their sons. And that can only happen when she is very sure you are the best thing that happened to her son.

You, on the other hand, (for reasons I still can't understand) have refused to protect your own mother. Why on earth does your husband 'not like' your mother? And you allowed that to fester Do you support his resentment towards your own mother?

I know people with money tend to be over-bearing, but c'mon, this is your own mother.

If your in-laws cannot trust your own children with your own mother, then something is definitely wrong. And your husband gave you a head injury and his mother still didn't care

Lady you are in for more troubles than you even realize. SMH!

no, he wasn't on the phone with her all through. it was more like after seeing my text message, she calls him to talk about it. I didn't hear her side of the conversation but I know she asked if he was sure he could take care of the kids and he replied in the affirmative.

also, after he pushed me down, (i won't say beat up cos it was more like a struggle to take possession of the wallet), he called his mother after it had happened. while he was talking to her, i started screaming in a bid to make her hear me through the phone, that he was trying to kill me and she has refused to intervene by taking my call).

my husband said he doesn't like my mum cos when we were preparing for our wedding, she was trying to impose her choice of wedding vendors and other details about the wedding on him. i had told her to handle things like caterer, decorations, venue, etc cos i hadn't relocated to Nigeria yet. he relocated before me. i also told him that I had asked her to make decisions on my behalf. he eventually had his way, we did everything the way he wanted and got defrauded by the wedding vendors he chose. I've told him that whatever happened then, is not enough to cut her out of his life and prevent her from having access to her grandchildren. i wish i knew what else to do about it.

aflyingbird:
u need to know dat not everyone wants u to suceed . both ur hubby n MIL didn't hv ur best interests at heart , definitely not ur MIL . she said couples shud keep issues to themselves but she was on the phone talking to ur son n obviously heard his side but refused to hear urs! ur MIL knew ur predicament n could've stepped in if she wanted to help u and had nothing against u. when she heard abt ur head injury but still didn't give a damn. omg , dis family will kill u one day n won't give a shii . did ur hubby apologize for pushing u , resulting in ur head injury ? it could've been worse , u cud've died , i mean anything cud've happened . u shud try n get ur own family involved in what is going on in ur life n at home . don't think bc dey're richer than ur family dey can treat u like crap . keep ur distance from ur MIL from now on . did nothing wrong , u are the victim here . i'm sorry u'r goin thru all dis !

Thank you. I'm still so thankful that I didn't get a more serious injury. I mean we see people die in movies when they hit the back of their head on something hard during an argument. I'm more disappointed in, than angry with my MIL for not trying to save me from that predicament.

Exactly.

Jahblessme:
I wonder why you are focusing on your mil?
Your husband is the one who pushed you and you sustained a head injury.

Your husband is the one who locked you out of the house.

Your husband is the one acting like your parents can't care for your children.

You both have issues which are deeper than you are letting on and I feel the focus on mil is a way to deflect.Take care to discuss with hubby that getting physical is something you will not accept! You too be careful what you do.

Your husband and his mother have huge plans for your kids,with you in the picture or not.You are not even allowed to make decisions on the care of your own children.Locking out of house And you are busy focusing on MIL

You'd best start sorting this out before the river will swallow you.
You are the woman of the house,better solidify your position there.You can ignore or patch up with MIL later,your choice.Of course you will be forced to say sorry for something you aren't guilty of,forced to say sorry for her disrespecting your parents too.That's the naija method...total humiliation.

What did your parents do that they are not allowed to care for their own grandkidsThey will be cut off very soon unless you stand up for them and refuse to allow this nonsense.Abi they are not as rich as your hubby and therefore underlings??

Good luck,you will need it!!

Your mother is still their grandmother.
He doesn't have the right to cut her out of the kids lives. Yes you need to maintain boundaries but also don't let anyone disrespect your mother and of course don't disrespect his.

I feel like you're enabling the sidelining of your mom too. If your first choice of who the kids should stay with was your mil and the second was your mom just because your mil wasn't available shows that you've joined them to assume your mom is not the best to take care of her grandkids in your absence.
Which kind wedding vendor stories be this one? They are just the dominating kind of folks. If he still had his way during the wedding to employ the vendor he wanted, why does he still resent your mom. And over a trifling issue for that matter.

nickibarb:


no, he wasn't on the phone with her all through. it was more like after seeing my text message, she calls him to talk about it. I didn't hear her side of the conversation but I know she asked if he was sure he could take care of the kids and he replied in the affirmative.

also, after he pushed me down, (i won't say beat up cos it was more like a struggle to take possession of the wallet), he called his mother after it had happened. while he was talking to her, i started screaming in a bid to make her hear me through the phone, that he was trying to kill me and she has refused to intervene by taking my call).

my husband said he doesn't like my mum cos when we were preparing for our wedding, she was trying to impose her choice of wedding vendors and other details about the wedding on him. i had told her to handle things like caterer, decorations, venue, etc cos i hadn't relocated to Nigeria yet. he relocated before me. i also told him that I had asked her to make decisions on my behalf. he eventually had his way, we did everything the way he wanted and got defrauded by the wedding vendors he chose. I've told him that whatever happened then, is not enough to cut her out of his life and prevent her from having access to her grandchildren. i wish i knew what else to do about it.

What's with all these MIL, your mum et al?? Can't you and your husband handle your issues without bringing them in??

Please learn to solve your issues privately, both of you are adults.. why calling your MIL to tell her ur husband didn't allow you take the key?? Even your husband also reported the issue to her.. Abeg make una allow the woman rest jare..

So I am not sure why you felt the need to drag your mother in law into this. Your husband who is an adult assured you he will take care of his kids which is the right thing to do and I would think you would be happy with this because it means they would bond afterall its just for 1 day. If it was for 1 month then I would see why you would be worried. Unless you dont trust him to take care of his own kids. I dont think anyone would accuse you of abandoning them. I think this matter could have been avoided totally

mrssho:
So I am not sure why you felt the need to drag your mother in law into this. Your husband who is an adult assured you he will take care of his kids which is the right thing to do and I would think you would be happy with this because it means they would bond afterall its just for 1 day. If it was for 1 month then I would see why you would be worried. Unless you dont trust him to take care of his own kids. I dont think anyone would accuse you of abandoning them. I think this matter could have been avoided totally

looks like my desire to play the part of perfect wife and mother backfired, i felt like if someone (like maybe MIL) happens to hear that I left my politician husband home alone with a 3 month old baby in the middle of election season, they might think I consider my career as being more important than my kids. maybe caring about what people might think is the cause of the whole drama

MarvellousGod:
What's with all these MIL, your mum et al?? Can't you and your husband handle your issues without bringing them in??

Please learn to solve your issues privately, both of you are adults.. why calling your MIL to tell her ur husband didn't allow you take the key?? Even your husband also reported the issue to her.. Abeg make una allow the woman rest jare..

I was trying to get her to convince him to give me a key. i know he's very close to her. So since i tried and i couldn't get through to him, i thought maybe he'll listen to her. was that wrong? what would you have suggested I do at point, when my husband said if I wasn't ready to go without my key, then I should be ready to miss the exam.

Nickibarb, better toughen up. We Nigerians have thick skin when it comes to what people may think of our actions.

Hello lady, I must be frank with u.
U r beinng intimidated by ur husband's family.

U r also over trying to win their side.

U don't have a voice.

They run the empire.

U probably came for the money and affluence.


Ur problem is solely ur husband, no ur MIL.
Keep ur marriage to urself.
If u can't tell ur mum,u can't tell ur MIL.
Period.


Now, u have to define ur boundaries.
Sit down with ur husband and revisit ur mum'ss case.

If he still insist ur children won't see ur mum, nne,there is fire on d mountain.

At times,it takes only one incident to make things right.

Now,im talking from experience.


And yep, u are so afraid of incurring their wrath.

I will never be at peace with a man who disrespects my mum like this unless she deserves it.
Yet here u r worshiping the ground his mum walks on cos u wanna be d good wife.
Such hypocrisy!

I'm more angry at u than ur hubby.

Can u go tru ur posts again?
How will ur mum see u?
U will soon become a grandma. U will know d pains when ur child refuses to bring ur grandchildren for u to cuddle.
Unless ur mum is bad.

U have completely failed.

At the rate at which u r going, when something happens(or u think something may not happen),its still this momma that u will run to.

Lady, behave like one that sucked her mama's bwest pls.

U know ur husband. U know what to do.

(what ladies do to keep their marriage sometimes baffles me)

mrssho:
So I am not sure why you felt the need to drag your mother in law into this. Your husband who is an adult assured you he will take care of his kids which is the right thing to do and I would think you would be happy with this because it means they would bond afterall its just for 1 day. If it was for 1 month then I would see why you would be worried. Unless you dont trust him to take care of his own kids. I dont think anyone would accuse you of abandoning them. I think this matter could have been avoided totally

Thank you for this extremely intelligent post.

cococandy:
Your mother is still their grandmother.
He doesn't have the right to cut her out of the kids lives. Yes you need to maintain boundaries but also don't let anyone disrespect your mother and of course don't disrespect his.

I feel like you're enabling the sidelining of your mom too. If your first choice of who the kids should stay won't was you mil and the second was your mom just because your mil wasn't available shows that you've joined them to assume your mom is not the best to take care of her grandkids in your absence.
Which kind wedding vendor stories be this one? They are just the dominating kind of folks. If he still had his way during the wedding to employ the vendor he wanted, why does he still resent your mom. And over a trifling issue for that matter.

my first choice of who the kids stay with is my MIL, not because I don't think my mum will do a great job, but because I know that's what my husband will be most comfortable with. I'm trying to be the good wife here, to do what pleases my husband as much as possible.

To the best of my knowledge, her husband ish with the mum is a major problem than this one she brought here.
Ur MIL is so churcheous yet she can't call her son to order.

The day men will start taking 50% of their family responsibilities, that will be when we will stop hearing sob stories.
Only 50%

moca:
Hello lady, I must be frank with u.
U r beinng intimidated by ur husband's family.

U r also over trying to win their side.

U don't have a voice.

They run the empire.

U probably came for the money and affluence.


Ur problem is solely ur husband, no ur MIL.
Keep ur marriage to urself.
If u can't tell ur mum,u can't tell ur MIL.
Period.


Now, u have to define ur boundaries.
Sit down with ur husband and revisit ur mum'ss case.

If he still insist ur children won't see ur mum, nne,there is fire on d mountain.

At times,it takes only one incident to make things right.

Now,im talking from experience.


And yep, u are so afraid of incurring their wrath.

I will never be at peace with a man who disrespects my mum like this unless she deserves it.
Yet here u r worshiping the ground his mum walks on cos u wanna be d good wife.
Such hypocrisy!

I'm more angry at u than ur hubby.

Can u go tru ur posts again?
How will ur mum see u?
U will soon become a grandma. U will know d pains when ur child refuses to bring ur grandchildren for u to cuddle.
Unless ur mum is bad.

U have completely failed.

At the rate at which u r going, when something happens(or u think something may not happen),its still this momma that u will run to.

Lady, behave like one that sucked her mama's bwest pls.

U know ur husband. U know what to do.

(what ladies do to keep their marriage sometimes baffles me)

thank you for taking time to analyse my issue. i really needed this. Not being able to talk to anyone about it (cos i don't want to share), is driving me nuts. I only have an problem with one of your statements. I didn't come for the money or affluence. my parents are not doing badly like i said. They gave 6 kids undergrad and post grad education abroad, got good cars for all six. So i won't say we lacked.I only said my in-laws have a lot more. but i didn't really know that till we were planning to get married and moved back to Nigeria. like I said, we were in love.

nickibarb:



thank you for taking time to analyse my issue. i really needed this. Not being able to talk to anyone about it (cos i don't want to share), is driving me nuts. I only have an problem with one of your statements. I didn't come for the money or affluence. my parents are not doing badly like i said. They gave 6 kids undergrad and post grad education abroad, got good cars for all six. So i won't say we lacked.I only said my in-laws have a lot more. but i didn't really know that till we were planning to get married and moved back to Nigeria. like I said, we were in love.

"a problem". sorry about that. i changed "an issue" to a problem and forgot to remove the "an"

@nickibarb,
The 'hate-peddlers' have arrived .
They will blow your issue out of proportion.
Instead of solving your problem they will compound it.
They will make you hate your husband more.. Thier ultimate aim is to tear your family apart rather than bring it closer together.
Take thier rantings and advice and hate-projection at your own peril.



You have been warned.

nickibarb:



thank you for taking time to analyse my issue. i really needed this. Not being able to talk to anyone about it (cos i don't want to share), is driving me nuts. I only have an problem with one of your statements. I didn't come for the money or affluence. my parents are not doing badly like i said. They gave 6 kids undergrad and post grad education abroad, got good cars for all six. So i won't say we lacked.I only said my in-laws have a lot more. but i didn't really know that till we were planning to get married and moved back to Nigeria. like I said, we were in love.

U r welcome dear.i wanted to tell u the truth and not paint it.
I know u will pick the money issue.
I was for ur husband's people. Provided they r richer than ur folks,they can as well say u came for the money and affluence judging from their body language.

I completely know what's up cos I had a similar issue months ago but in my case,it was my hubby that had my back. Did some outstanding things that I learnt later so that I will feel free,safe and secured.
That is why I'm saying u r trying ur best to win them over. One day u will snap.
And everybody will show their true color.

Pls and pls, minimize how u let u MIL into what happens in ur family or any other person.
Also,if ur hubby tells u he will do something, give him d benefit of doubt.
Afterall he is the father. If he kills them,na him sabi.

I know u r looking for a neutral ground but this is the cross of the matter.
Until u guys put heads together(anyhow)and find a lasting solution to this, I tell u, ur stay in that house is not guaranteed.

OP,
There's nothing like a perfect wife or perfect husband.In life,all we can do is give our best and love each other as much as possible.

You obviously have little to zero say in your house as evidenced by what you have written so far.Why is that?It is rational for you to be worried about your husband being left alone with two very little kids and it is concern that made you try to arrange an alternative.

So you have let your husbands dislike of your mother fester even to the extent of denying them to care for your kids?What your mother did was to want to bring vendors for the wedding right?He rejected hers and still got swindled and still hes holding on to his dislike.

If we follow that logic,you should also despise and cut off his mother since she has done way worse by not intervening when you could have been killed.BUt you are here running helter skelter still wanting to get into her good graces despite her wronging you.

See?? You are in trouble because you have by your actions placed your parents in your husbands eyes as persona non grata,and that's what has allowed him to treat them in such a manner.Your MIL even not taking their calls?Wahala dey.If you treat your family as unimportant,why shouldn't he do the same?

So because of money and politics you are intimidated?? Even if your parents are from the poorest family,you should be proud of them and hold them in high esteem.Are you ashamed of where you are from?You are intelligent,you have a career,would that have been possible if you weren't raised right?? You owe your parents a big apology.

The problem here is the extent we take this you have married his family thing,i think we go too far in the quest for acceptance and most times to the detriment of our own families.

I was almost sucked into the same,giving and pouring more into my inlaws etc but fortunately for me my MIL stabbed me in the back.That's all i needed for the scale to fall off my eyes.Nothing in this planet will change my loyalty or allegiance in this life again.
1st to my nuclear unit,2nd to my own family, 3rd the rest.I'm sure that after our nuclear unit,my husband's own family come second for him and that's fine by me but in our own case we try to be fair to all but i know once i get jara it's going straight to the people who have my back.If your mother is an evil witch who wants to see the back of you,its different.

Look now,you were arguing with your husband,took his wallet and he pushed you.YOu hit your head on a table.Do you know you could have died?What did your MIL do? NOthing.She knew you were injured,and at that point no MATTER what,she should have stepped in and put her son in line BUT she chose to do nothing.Did she ever say eiyaaa sorry my dear?She's even in the church counselling group?Count your teeth with your tongue.You cannot put someone who doesn't care about your well being on a pedestal while your own family are held in disdain.

Funny enough,you are not even worried or troubled about your husband refusing for your kids to spend time with your folks,you opened a thread for your MIL.

How about the fact that you felt forced to taking his wallet as a way to force his hand which resulted to a scuffle that would have ended you?

You are not worried that your husband could have caused your death by that push? You are worried about MIL?

You are not perturbed that your husband would rather you are locked out of the house than take the risk that you would return and take the kids to your parents?


Please,in your bid to get into the family's good graces don't lose yourself,you will regret it.

My friend,call your husband and sit down.Please tell him violence is not acceptable and you will strive not to put up threatening behavior.

2. The putting down of your parents is not acceptable and time the children spend with both sides of grandparents will be equal.

3. If maybe he's giving them money and that's also the cause of the despise,please he should stop giving them.You have a job,take over the care of your parents.

4. You can still have an okay/good relationship with MIL but please be aware that you are less important than her son and grand kids.I'm being very blunt.

I wish you all the best because the mountain you are yet to climb is very very high.Sort out your nuclear family first..If care is not taken you will be a glorified maid. Take your position and be wise.

You and your hubby are still young,you can put heads together and fix this..Deal with all resentment,unite and be a strong family.Yes,there will be bias in your hearts,but at least there will be fairness.Take the steps to secure your home and marriage now.

cheers!

5minsmadness:
@nickibarb,
The 'hate-peddlers' have arrived .
They will blow your issue out of proportion.
Instead of solving your problem they will compound it.
They will make you hate your husband more.. Thier ultimate aim is to tear your family apart rather than bring it closer together.
Take thier rantings and advice and hate-projection at your own peril.



You have been warned.

Nnaa, this is a serious issue.
Why not give her ur own advise and move on?
Must everything be war here?

Everybody is entitled to his or her opinion.
That is what makes this world interesting.

Pls, dont start.
Abeg.

Amazing! Your husband does not speak to your mom and he does not give a hoot. Your mother in law has ignored you for 1 month right? and you are looking for all ways possible to fix that. Since you brought up the issue of their wealth, is it possible you feel oppressed by their wealth on some levels?

How is checking up on you after such a fall interfering in your marriage? Why ignore your parents call just because they are concerned about their daughter?

If your MIL does not want to talk to you there is nothing you can do about it unless you are afraid she will turn her son against you luckily you said she is a goody goody christian so rest any day the spirit leads her to call you good.

nickibarb:
I needed to travel for one day to write a professional exam, but my husband refused to let me take our two little kids (aged 1yr 4 months and aged 3 months) to my parent's house for my mum to take care of them. He said he would care for them himself. (Note that his mother was out of town if not I would have taken them to her). I wanted to make my mother-in-law aware of the situation so that I won't be accused of abandoning my kids for my career (you know how judgmental naija society can be sometimes). I tried to call my mother-in-law, she didn't pick up, I sent her a text explaining the situation and then proceeded to call her again. I was surprised to see that she was talking to my husband about the issue on the line that I just tried calling her on, but she hadn't called me back. My mother-in-law refused to take my calls cause apparently she's of the opinion that couples should keep everything between themselves. My husband went ahead to take away my copy of the house keys. He locked the doors and said whenever I was ready to go, he will let me out, in order to ensure that I don't come back when he is out, to take his kids to my parents' house. I had already assured him that I wasn't going to take them away but I was opposed to leaving without a key, since it will be very inconveniencing for me to go on such an exhausting journey, return and not have immediate access to the house. (My husband's whereabouts is usually very difficult to discern on account of the nature of his job-politician). Again, I tried to get my mother-in-law to intervene and ask him to let me have one of the keys but she still refused to take my calls. I sent her another text. I was running late so I proceeded to take my husband's wallet which he left in one of the rooms. My intention was to use it as an exchange item so I can get the keys from him.

Unfortunately, this got him very mad and in a bid to get the wallet back from me, he pushed me and I hit the back of my head on a glass table resulting in a head injury as revealed by a CT scan. In all of this, my mother-in-law still refused to take my calls even though she could hear me shouting and crying through the phone (recall my husband was intermittently on the phone with her while the fracas was going on). Since that day, I haven't called her again, and she hasn't called me either. Even when my parents informed her about my head injury via text (since she wasn't taking their calls), she still failed to give me call to find out how badly hurt I was. She has come to our home one day since the incident, I was taking a bath, by the time I was done and came to the living room, she was gone. I don't think she asked after me but I didn't ask my husband whether she did. This is someone I have loved and respected as a mother all this time, we have never ever had even one disagreement. By refusing to get involved, she has effectively destroyed our cordial relationship. I cannot honestly say that I feel like she cares whether I live or die as long as we obey the golden rule of keeping everything between ourselves as a couple.
My issue is, I'm not happy about the fact that we've fallen into the category of MIL and DIL that do not get along. My question is, am I right to feel aggrieved, and am I right to have not made any effort to reach out to her for more than a month now, considering that this means that she has not interacted with her grand children all this time? What would you suggest I do?

1. I think it is wrong to be scared of your husband taking of the kids. You were saying that he is not capable of fathering his kids for a night. Since you have told him about the exams earlier and he said he can, leave him be. You should have just told him that the maid would be leaving since you did not want the maid to stay with hubby alone at home.

2. What is your business with what 'naija society thinks?' If you did not bring the story online, we would not have even heard about it. Do you really think people think about how you run your home amidst their diverse issues?

3. Your husband thinks you do not trust him that is why he collected the keys (he felt you would go back to pick up the kids to your place). The fact he has not changed a diaper doesn't mean he wouldn't do it in an emergency.

4. Your husband is wrong to collect the keys... Like seriously? You are not a baby or guest he collects the keys from when there are issues and returns them back.

5. I do not see the reason why every little issue should find its way to your mother's or MIL's ears. I believe this was an issue that could have been sorted out.

6. I believe you should sort out the issues with your husband first. I do not understand the 'wedding vendor crap' as the reason why your husband doesn't like your mother. You both have been married for about 3yrs which is a long time to sort out issues especially as he ended up having him way. Boundaries should be maintained however,

7. You said hubby pushed you in a bid to get his wallet so I assume he did not push you intentionally? Has there been issues of violence or fighting before?

8. If you do not have issues with your husband, you will not need your MIL's support or otherwise. Smoothen the relationship with your husband first. Your MIL might have been disappointed you think her son (your husband) cannot care for his own kids for one night hence her refusal to talk to you

9. Your family... I can read your in-laws are richer; you need to address the relationship/perceived relationship between both families and settle the rift between your husband and mother.

10. See, you left your kids with your husband and he obviously did a good job caring for them. Give him more credit next time.

Madampinkolo:
OP,
There's nothing like a perfect wife or perfect husband.In life,all we can do is give our best and love each other as much as possible.

You obviously have little to zero say in your house as evidenced by what you have written so far.Why is that?It is rational for you to be worried about your husband being left alone with two very little kids and it is concern that made you try to arrange an alternative.

So you have let your husbands dislike of your mother fester even to the extent of denying them to care for your kids?What your mother did was to want to bring vendors for the wedding right?He rejected hers and still got swindled and still hes holding on to his dislike.

If we follow that logic,you should also despise and cut off his mother since she has done way worse by not intervening when you could have been killed.BUt you are here running helter skelter still wanting to get into her good graces despite her wronging you.

See?? You are in trouble because you have by your actions placed your parents in your husbands eyes as persona non grata,and that's what has allowed him to treat them in such a manner.Your MIL even not taking their calls?Wahala dey.If you treat your family as unimportant,why shouldn't he do the same?

So because of money and politics you are intimidated?? Even if your parents are from the poorest family,you should be proud of them and hold them in high esteem.Are you ashamed of where you are from?You are intelligent,you have a career,would that have been possible if you weren't raised right?? You owe your parents a big apology.

The problem here is the extent we take this you have married his family thing,i think we go too far in the quest for acceptance and most times to the detriment of our own families.

I was almost sucked into the same,giving and pouring more into my inlaws etc but fortunately for me my MIL stabbed me in the back.That's all i needed for the scale to fall off my eyes.Nothing in this planet will change my loyalty or allegiance in this life again.
1st to my nuclear unit,2nd to my own family, 3rd the rest.I'm sure that after our nuclear unit,my husband's own family come second for him and that's fine by me but in our own case we try to be fair to all but i know once i get jara it's going straight to the people who have my back.If your mother is an evil witch who wants to see the back of you,its different.

Look now,you were arguing with your husband,took his wallet and he pushed you.YOu hit your head on a table.Do you know you could have died?What did your MIL do? NOthing.She knew you were injured,and at that point no MATTER what,she should have stepped in and put her son in line BUT she chose to do nothing.Did she ever say eiyaaa sorry my dear?She's even in the church counselling group?Count your teeth with your tongue.You cannot put someone who doesn't care about your well being on a pedestal while your own family are held in disdain.

Funny enough,you are not even worried or troubled about your husband refusing for your kids to spend time with your folks,you opened a thread for your MIL.

How about the fact that you felt forced to taking his wallet as a way to force his hand which resulted to a scuffle that would have ended you?

You are not worried that your husband could have caused your death by that push? You are worried about MIL?

You are not perturbed that your husband would rather you are locked out of the house than take the risk that you would return and take the kids to your parents?


Please,in your bid to get into the family's good graces don't lose yourself,you will regret it.

My friend,call your husband and sit down.Please tell him violence is not acceptable and you will strive not to put up threatening behavior.

2. The putting down of your parents is not acceptable and time the children spend with both sides of grandparents will be equal.

3. If maybe he's giving them money and that's also the cause of the despise,please he should stop giving them.You have a job,take over the care of your parents.

4. You can still have an okay/good relationship with MIL but please be aware that you are less important than her son and grand kids.I'm being very blunt.

I wish you all the best because the mountain you are yet to climb is very very high.Sort out your nuclear family first..If care is not taken you will be a glorified maid. Take your position and be wise.

You and your hubby are still young,you can put heads together and fix this..Deal with all resentment,unite and be a strong family.Yes,there will be bias in your hearts,but at least there will be fairness.Take the steps to secure your home and marriage now.

cheers!

Thank you. you're the marriage counsellor i've been looking for all this time. too bad they don't have those in Nigeria. luckily neither my husband nor I are fully responsible for my parent's needs. Their investments are still taking care of them in their retirement age. I'm sure my in-laws would have used that against them if we had to provide for their daily bread. I'll seriously consider a lot of what you've said.

moca:


U r welcome dear.i wanted to tell u the truth and not paint it.
I know u will pick the money issue.
I was for ur husband's people. Provided they r richer than ur folks,they can as well say u came for the money and affluence judging from their body language.

I completely know what's up cos I had a similar issue months ago but in my case,it was my hubby that had my back. Did some outstanding things that I learnt later so that I will feel free,safe and secured.
That is why I'm saying u r trying ur best to win them over. One day u will snap.
And everybody will show their true color.

Pls and pls, minimize how u let u MIL into what happens in ur family or any other person.
Also,if ur hubby tells u he will do something, give him d benefit of doubt.
Afterall he is the father. If he kills them,na him sabi.

I know u r looking for a neutral ground but this is the cross of the matter.
Until u guys put heads together(anyhow)and find a lasting solution to this, I tell u, ur stay in that house is not guaranteed.

funny enough after I was checked into the hospital, my daddy also said something like what you said, "he is the father. if anything happens to the kids, its on him". problem is, how can a mother sit back and take the risk of something not so savory happen to her kids? a 3 month old baby for that matter. to born no easy now...

andromida:
Amazing! Your husband does not speak to your mom and he does not give a hoot. Your mother in law has ignored you for 1 month right? and you are looking for all ways possible to fix that. Since you brought up the issue of their wealth, is it possible you feel oppressed by their wealth on some levels?

How is checking up on you after such a fall interfering in your marriage? Why ignore your parents call just because they are concerned about their daughter?

If your MIL does not want to talk to you there is nothing you can do about it unless you are afraid she will turn her son against you luckily you said she is a goody goody christian so rest any day the spirit leads her to call you good.

No i'm not oppressed about their wealth. I think its great. I mean money gets things done in this country. I only talked about it cos someone here brought it up.

nickibarb:


my first choice of who the kids stay with is my MIL, not because I don't think my mum will do a great job, but because I know that's what my husband will be most comfortable with. I'm trying to be the good wife here, to do what pleases my husband as much as possible.

exactly. You're enabling them sideline your mom.

nickibarb:


funny enough after I was checked into the hospital, my daddy also said something like what you said, "he is the father. if anything happens to the kids, its on him". problem is, how can a mother sit back and take the risk of something not so savory happen to her kids? a 3 month old baby for that matter. to born no easy now...

Something like what?

We can argue that if you did not want anything unsavory to happen to them, you wouldn't have registered for the exams in the first place (as you did not want to be apart or can't something unsavory happen at your mother's or MIL's place?

I think your husband has a strength that he is willing to care for them overnight.

@madampinkolo.

I dey carry pen and paper follow body anytime you type.

It is obvious that you are very insecure. You leave your exams to focus on the dynamics of your dysfunctional marriage. You lack diplomacy and are very CONFRONTATIONAL!
If your MIL does not pick your calls or reply your text message WHY ARE YOU BOTHERED?

You need to learn to control your emotions and prioritize your affairs in the order of importance.
You have exams to prepare for and you are on NL whining!
Are you the only parent to those kids?

The time you should spend taking care or YOUR affairs you spend NAGGING about your husband and MIL. You want to travel with 2 BABIES alone to write an exam?

From your first post up there, I could list a million reasons why you keep having domestic issues.
You lack proper communication skills for one and you have a VICTIM-MENTALITY.

You feel aggrieved?
Why should you?
You are too NEEDY!
Get help and learn to relax!
Marriage is not a cross to be carried to Calvary!!!

Madampinkolo:
OP,

cheers!

Wonderful post and I really like the in-law/family dynamics.

KanwuliaJara:
It is obvious that you are very insecure. You leave your exams to focus on the dynamics of your dysfunctional marriage. You lack diplomacy and are very CONFRONTATIONAL
If your MIL does not pick your calls or reply your text message WHY ARE YOU BOTHERED?

You need to learn to control your emotions and prioritize

I was bothered because I realised she was communicating with my husband but not talking to me. Was I wrong to be bothered by that? At first when she wasn't picking up my calls or responding to my texts, I thought she didn't have her phone on her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.