I asked an acquaintance this question and he told me "It is difficult to be father and more difficult to be a husband". Seriously the only the thing I think about apart from work is marriage. I am just so scared whenever I remember it's about time. I see marriage as something difficult. I often doubt if I will make a good father or husband. I was thinking about the number of kids I would love to bear and I couldn't even figure it out. Is marriage a spontaneous thing that doesn't require much planning? I often doubt I will make a good father because the feeling of being responsible for someone else beats my comprehension. Adjusting to a new lifestyle that stiffens freedom and spontaneity is also wearing me out. I don't even know if I possess the qualities of a good husband. To me marriage is an Enigma the more I try to understand the less I comprehend. Looking at the bigger picture (concept of family) where my wife will give birth and relations from both sides will start visiting is another thing that is freaking me out. I have lived close to nine years alone and my relatives have only visited few times and they didn't even spend the night...Sometimes I hear about married couples accommodating the wife siblings and other extended family members. I can't even live with mine peacefully let alone my wife's...I am very poor with kids, especially when they become unruly or inquisitive or too playful or when they cant just stop jumping or talking...my Nephew spent just 3days with me instead of one week and he wanted to commit suicide by crying. All the great toys couldn't pacify him. I heard if you can survive the first year you can out live others, I can't pour out all my fears and worries here...so how did you cope in your first year? I am eager so eager to read ur posts.

Good day my Maxx.
Please sir i just completed my NYSC program and i need serious advice and update from you ( career wise ).
My email is
fatai2ibrahim@gmail.com
Thanks

There is no manual for a successful marriage.


You take each day as it comes.

.

Marxxx:
I asked an acquaintance this question and he told me "It is difficult to be father and more difficult to be a husband". Seriously the only the thing I think about apart from work is marriage. I am just so scared whenever I remember it's about time. I see marriage as something difficult. I often doubt if I will make a good father or husband. I was thinking about the number of kids I would love to bear and I couldn't even figure it out. Is marriage a spontaneous thing that doesn't require much planning? I often doubt I will make a good father because the feeling of being responsible for someone else beats my comprehension. Adjusting to a new lifestyle that stiffens freedom and spontaneity is also wearing me out. I don't even know if I possess the qualities of a good husband. To me marriage is an Enigma the more I try to understand the less I comprehend. Looking at the bigger picture (concept of family) where my wife will give birth and relations from both sides will start visiting is another thing that is freaking me out. I have lived close to nine years alone and my relatives have only visited few times and they didn't even spend the night...Sometimes I hear about married couples accommodating the wife siblings and other extended family members. I can't even live with mine peacefully let alone my wife's...I am very poor with kids, especially when they become unruly or inquisitive or too playful or when they can just stop jumping or talking...my Nephew spent just 3days with me instead of one week and he wanted to commit suicide by crying. All the great toys couldn't pacify him. I heard if you can survive the first year you can out live others, I can't pour out all my fears and worries here...so how did you cope in your first year? I am eager so eager to read ur posts.

i enjoy your write up datsall... #justpray

Firstly.... There is no manual for a successful marriage. Marry your friend, someone who complements you. Marry someone who has what you lack. I see you aren't an extrovert, so get one. Know your temperament and marry someone who is compatible with yours. if your wife is accommodating and hospitable, she'll likely cover up and make you feel at ease when ppl come visiting. You could stay few months before having babies, you get familiarized with your woman and prepare for fatherhood. You won't have to serve as a husband and a Father almost immediately.
You'll make a good husband and father. Just marry right. I recommend a movie #contract#.

Swissheart:
Firstly.... There is no manual for a successful marriage. Marry your friend, someone who complements you. Marry someone who has what you lack. I see you aren't an extrovert, so get one. Know your temperament and marry someone who is compatible with yours. if your wife is accommodating and hospitable, she'll likely cover up and make you feel at ease when ppl come visiting. You could stay few months before having babies, you get familiarized with your woman and prepare for fatherhood. You won't have to serve as a husband and a Father almost immediately.
You'll make a good husband and father. Just marry right. I recommend a movie #contract#.

Are you married?

Marxxx:
Are you married?

I am not however it doesn't mean I don't have an idea of what I am saying. My parents are.

It sure comes with a lot of adjustments. But in marriage I can tell you that what worked for "Mr. A" isn't necessarily going to work the same way for "Mr. B". When the rough patches come up, please persevere, be patient and 'wise-up'; things will surely fall into place. There's this saying that when an apprentice is still under his boss, he undergoes some many unpleasant and degrading situations but when he graduates and eventually becomes his own boss, na 'yanga' remain o.

Swissheart:
I am not however it doesn't mean I don't have an idea of what I am saying. My parents are.

Ok thanks.

I know we all have ideas about marriage. But please if you are not married kindly observe I will appreciate a pragmatic post from a MARRIED person.

IamMetallic:
It sure comes with a lot of adjustments. But in marriage I can tell you that what worked for "Mr. A" isn't necessarily going to work the same way for "Mr. B". When the rough patches come up, please persevere, be patient and 'wise-up'; things will surely fall into place. There's this saying that when an apprentice is still under his boss, he undergoes some many unpleasant and degrading situations but when he graduates and eventually becomes his own boss, na 'yanga' remain o.

Are you married?

Marxxx:
I know we all have ideas about marriage. But please if you are not married kindly observe I will appreciate a pragmatic post from a MARRIED person.

Initially wanted to ignore your comment but it is obvious your idea about marital issues, human management and relationship is kinda shallow (no insult intended). We don't have to be married to be sensible or before knowing how best to live. Most breakup you see around isn't because they missed it after marriage but because they missed it BEFORE marriage. I do not know much because I am not married but what I know is enough to pass one or two msgs across to making a happy marriage or otherwise.




Finally (to the glory of God) I have been opportune to live, and be a part of a successful marriage for abt 23yrs now.

Your fears melt away when you are ready, you aren't now. Marriage is exactly what you make it.

Swissheart:
Initially wanted to ignore your comment but it is obvious your idea about marital issues, human management and relationship is kinda shallow (no insult intended). We don't have to be married to be sensible or before knowing how best to live. Most breakup you see around isn't because they missed it after marriage but because they missed it BEFORE marriage. I do know much because I am not married but what I know is enough to pass one or two msgs across to making a happy marriage or otherwise.




Finally (to the glory of God) I have been opportune to live, and be a part of a successful marriage for abt 23yrs now.

I understand your intent. Do you think I can't get copious notes from the Internet about marital issues? I could meet a counsellor and arrange for an appointment. When I need info about anything I like to get it from the targeted source. Your ideas were amazing but the topic wasn't generic it was made for a targeted class. Perhaps you didn't notice you really wanted to contribute and I thanked you for it. But you came up with this "Joe bomb". Hmmmmm...well that is what makes us different from other species of the human race. Even when we defy rules and our attention is called we flare up..."I wanted posts from married people" simple. I do not care if you have a phd in marriage proceedings as long as you ain't married just do the needful...

Marxxx:
I asked an acquaintance this question and he told me "It is difficult to be father and more difficult to be a husband".

Just because it is difficult for him, doesn't mean that it will be difficult for you. Most people are very negative and repeat sentences like: "Life is hard", "Life is a struggle", "Life is unfair" but there are also many people who say: "I love life", "Life is beautiful", "Life is a gift" etc.

It's what you make out of it.

Seriously the only the thing I think aboutapart from work is marriage. I am just so scared whenever I remember it's about time.

Then you are not ready. Take your time.

I see marriage as something difficult. I often doubt if I will make a good father or husband.

If you think it is difficult then it will be difficult. If you don't believe in yourself, you won't be a good husband and father SO stop thinking these negative thoughts.

I was thinking about the number of kids I would love to bear and I couldn't even figure it out.

Why do you have to decide it now? Such things are done together with your spouse. And even if you plan on having three, it could be that you won'T be able to have more than two for different reasons. You think too much.

Is marriage a spontaneous thing that doesn't require much planning?

It does require planning. It requires PROPER planning and it requires mentally healthy individuals who are happy with themselves.

I often doubt I will make a good father because the feeling of being responsible for someone else beats my comprehension.

Maybe you should marry a self-sufficient and independent woman and the only people you will be responsible for will be your children. And trust me, once you have them you will love this responsibility. As hard as it at times can be, nothing is more fulfilling.

Adjusting to a new lifestyle that stiffens freedom and spontaneity is also wearing me out.

There is no freedom restriction with the right partner.

I don't even know if I possess the qualities of a good husband.

What are the qualities of a good husband? Do you know?

To me marriage is an Enigma the more I try to understand the less I comprehend. Looking at the bigger picture (concept of family) where my wife will give birth and relations from both sides will start visiting is another thing that is freaking me out.

If you don't like this part of marriage, then don't get married or get married far away from your family and her family.

I have lived close to nine years alone and my relatives have only visited few times and they didn't even spend the night...Sometimes I hear about married couples accommodating the wife siblings and other extended family members.

There are women out there who think alike. Make sure that you are on the same page and everything will be fine.

I can't even live with mine peacefully let alone my wife's...

I know couples who are married, have kids and two houses. This maybe an option for you too. You don't have to conform to conventions.

I am very poor with kids, especially when they become unruly or inquisitive or too playful or when they cant just stop jumping or talking...my Nephew spent just 3days with me instead of one week and he wanted to commit suicide by crying. All the great toys couldn't pacify him. I heard if you can survive the first year you can out live others, I can't pour out all my fears and worries here...so how did you cope in your first year? I am eager so eager to read ur posts.

Is it by force to have children? I know couples who decided not to have any and are fine with the decision.

Mindfulness:


Just because it is difficult for him, doesn't mean that it will be difficult for you. Most people are very negative and repeat sentences like: "Life is hard", "Life is a struggle", "Life is unfair" but there are also many people who say: "I love life", "Life is beautiful", "Life is a gift" etc.

It's what you make out of it.




Then you are not ready. Take your time.



If you think it is difficult then it will be difficult. If you don't believe in yourself, you won't be a good husband and father SO stop thinking these negative thoughts.



Why do you have to decide it now? Such things are done together with your spouse. And even if you plan on having three, it could be that you won'T be able to have more than two for different reasons. You think too much.



It does require planning. It requires PROPER planning and it requires mentally healthy individuals who are happy with themselves.



Maybe you should marry a self-sufficient and independent woman and the only people you will be responsible for will be your children. And trust me, once you have them you will love this responsibility. As hard as it at times can be, nothing is more fulfilling.



There is no freedom restriction with the right partner.



What are the qualities of a good husband? Do you know?



If you don't like this part of marriage, then don't get married or get married far away from your family and her family.



There are women out there who think alike. Make sure that you are on the same page and everything will be fine.



I know couples who are married, have kids and two houses. This maybe an option for you too. You don't have to conform to conventions.



Is it by force to have children? I know couples who decided not to have any and are fine with the decision.

Are you married?

Marxxx:
Are you married?

Yes and I married late in Nigerian terms.

I was the kind of person who enjoyed freedom and independence immensely and who loved living alone. I don't know what it means to feel lonely.

Our first year was not easy for us cos we courted for just three months. It was after the wedding that both of us realised that we were hot tempered and so many other imperfect characters.
But we started learning each other's character though it got to a point that we almost called it quit but he was not ready to give up and I too was trying to make it.
But right now, we now understand each other very well that we communicate even without talking just by looking into each others eyes.
Finally marriage is a very beautiful thing if you married the one meant for you.
It's been 7 years and still counting
Don't give up

Mindfulness:


Yes and I married late in Nigerian terms.

I was the kind of person who enjoyed freedom and independence immensely and who loved living alone. I don't know what it means to feel lonely.

Great, how was the transition like for you during your first year?

Marxxx:
Great, how was the transition like for you during your first year?

Easy, I married my best friend who knew how I tick.

well from my point of view, marriage has made me a better person, I am more tolerant and understanding. Op I think u shld knw that d chchallenges marriage brings are suppose to make us better ppl generally. Looking for a perfect spouse is near impossible so then u will hv to work on and with your spouse,becoming a better person in d process. Love is beautiful.

Swissheart:
I am not however it doesn't mean I don't have an idea of what I am saying. My parents are.

hmm no offense but marriage is something u need to experience for urself. It's like finger prints, no two are d same.

Before you ask, I am 'married '

First of all let me tell you well done for sitting down and thinking about what it is be a husband and father. Many do not and go into it woefully unprepared.

When it comes to marriage I would tell you to be absolutely sure before you take that leap. Compatibility is absolutely key. Date the person well. Less sex, more conversation

No one is perfect but truly make sure you can live with her imperfections. Try to really get to know her, her views on different issues and ideas. If there is a massive deviation from yours then run.

As for kids, you are right to be worried. It is a massive responsibility that we all want to do well. Right now I am sitting here with a scratched cornea cos my daughter poked me in the eye with her toy. And I couldn't break her head (though i wanted to ) don't let anyone deceive you its bloody hard work. There are a lot of low moments with kids but the high moments are the most extraordinary ever. When you look at your child's lovely smile. When they say mummy I love you. When they achieve things and you are so proud. It's worth it in the end.

I think you will actually be a good dad because you actually realise the enormity of bringing up another human being. They just think sebi everyone does it, what is there.

I suggest you have just 1 or 2 so that you can be sure to do your best with them.

Mindfulness:


Easy, I married my best friend who knew how I tick.

ooh you guys were already intimate while friends and the whole marriage thing came naturally wow say hello to ur wife, I really love to see people do amazing things especially things I find complicated...kudos

yvelchstores:
well from my point of view, marriage has made me a better person, I am more tolerant and understanding. Op I think u shld knw that d chchallenges marriage brings are suppose to make us better ppl generally. Looking for a perfect spouse is near impossible so then u will hv to work on and with your spouse,becoming a better person in d process. Love is beautiful.

I have the impression that you are married. At first didn't you find it awkward? I mean the togetherness thing? What about the things you enjoy doing alone? Did you have to sacrifice some habits or lifestyle in order to accommodate your partner? Maybe I didn't realise I will get married until recently.

yvelchstores:
hmm no offense but marriage is something u need to experience for urself. It's like finger prints, no two are d same.

I like this lady already...and some people might even think I am inconsiderate (looking at my initial response) but there is a reason for everything!

fem29:
Before you ask, I am 'married '

First of all let me tell you well done for sitting down and thinking about what it is be a husband and father. Many do not and go into it woefully unprepared.

When it comes to marriage I would tell you to be absolutely sure before you take that leap. Compatibility is absolutely key. Date the person well. Less sex, more conversation

No one is perfect but truly make sure you can live with her imperfections. Try to really get to know her, her views on different issues and ideas. If there is a massive deviation from yours then run.

As for kids, you are right to be worried. It is a massive responsibility that we all want to do well. Right now I am sitting here with a scratched cornea cos my daughter poked me in the eye with her toy. And I couldn't break her head (though i wanted to ) don't let anyone deceive you its bloody hard work. There are a lot of low moments with kids but the high moments are the most extraordinary ever. When you look at your child's lovely smile. When they say mummy I love you. When they achieve things and you are so proud. It's worth it in the end.

I think you will actually be a good dad because you actually realise the enormity of bringing up another human being. They just think sebi everyone does it, what is there.

I suggest you have just 1 or 2 so that you can be sure to do your best with them.

Awwwww....you made me laugh @ "before you ask I am already married". wow I appreciate your write up. Seriously I do. But what about the transition? What are those things you gave up? Are there things you long for but you can't have/engage in them because you are married? How did you find the "concept of family"...Ensure you take great care so that there will be less poking...I yearning to read post.

fem29:
Before you ask, I am 'married '

First of all let me tell you well done for sitting down and thinking about what it is be a husband and father. Many do not and go into it woefully unprepared.

When it comes to marriage I would tell you to be absolutely sure before you take that leap. Compatibility is absolutely key. Date the person well. Less sex, more conversation

No one is perfect but truly make sure you can live with her imperfections. Try to really get to know her, her views on different issues and ideas. If there is a massive deviation from yours then run.

As for kids, you are right to be worried. It is a massive responsibility that we all want to do well. Right now I am sitting here with a scratched cornea cos my daughter poked me in the eye with her toy. And I couldn't break her head (though i wanted to ) don't let anyone deceive you its bloody hard work. There are a lot of low moments with kids but the high moments are the most extraordinary ever. When you look at your child's lovely smile. When they say mummy I love you. When they achieve things and you are so proud. It's worth it in the end.

I think you will actually be a good dad because you actually realise the enormity of bringing up another human being. They just think sebi everyone does it, what is there.

I suggest you have just 1 or 2 so that you can be sure to do your best with them.

Awwwww....you made me laugh @ "before you ask I am already married". wow I appreciate your write up. Seriously I do. But what about the transition? What are those things you gave up? Are there things you long for but you can't have/engage in them because you are married? How did you find the "concept of family"...Ensure you take great care so that there will be less poking...I am yearning to read ur post.

Marxxx:
ooh you guys were already intimate while friends and the whole marriage thing came naturally wow say hello to ur wife, I really love to see people do amazing things especially things I find complicated...kudos

My advice to you is: Make your marriage as it pleases you and not as other people think it should be.

You don't have to give up anything that you don't want to give up but you can gain a lot.

Mindfulness:


My advice to you is: Make your marriage as it pleases you and not as other people think it should be.

You don't have to give up anything that you don't want to give up but you can gain a lot.

Thanks I get that, I appreciate

fem29:
Before you ask, I am 'married '

First of all let me tell you well done for sitting down and thinking about what it is be a husband and father. Many do not and go into it woefully unprepared.

When it comes to marriage I would tell you to be absolutely sure before you take that leap. Compatibility is absolutely key. Date the person well. Less sex, more conversation

No one is perfect but truly make sure you can live with her imperfections. Try to really get to know her, her views on different issues and ideas. If there is a massive deviation from yours then run.

As for kids, you are right to be worried. It is a massive responsibility that we all want to do well. Right now I am sitting here with a scratched cornea cos my daughter poked me in the eye with her toy. And I couldn't break her head (though i wanted to ) don't let anyone deceive you its bloody hard work. There are a lot of low moments with kids but the high moments are the most extraordinary ever. When you look at your child's lovely smile. When they say mummy I love you. When they achieve things and you are so proud. It's worth it in the end.

I think you will actually be a good dad because you actually realise the enormity of bringing up another human being. They just think sebi everyone does it, what is there.

I suggest you have just 1 or 2 so that you can be sure to do your best with them.

I just love you.