@mccloud224

I dont understant how you will write off someone seeking help and advice as being doomed. Even if she is up to some mischief and have really messed up, I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt and just advise her for the mere fact that she has asked for advice. Abi, person no dey confuse again?

Moreover, if na girl wey tear eye well well, she go do wetin she get for mind. . .no time for advise.

@mystikal

Great advice but do you think her lustful brain can decipher anything you said?This Ashewo wife has already made up her mind.All she needs from NL is a lil encouragement to rub off the guilt.I hope I'm not being sexist here but if there's anything i know about women, it's this : they will do whatever pleases them no matter how insane or absurd it seems.No level of reasoning will get in their way and for all i know, she might be boinking her "friend" right now as we discuss this issue (her husband has probably traveled).

He wasn't ready? You should've waited for him! See yourself now? I can allow you use my Time machine to set things right though.

@poster
Bet you're sorry you came cryin' here by now. You did a foolish getting married to some poor,luckless guy to spite the boyfriend you love but who won't marry you. If you don't put some distance between you and the guy, you WILL cheat. You're already most of the way there. Talk to people you trust who won't judge you,so they can give you the support you need to fight this obssession of yours. Best if you told your husband everything, come clean and ask him to forgive you, you really have been most unfair to him. He won't like it but he might be willing to give you the strong shoulder you need to forget the other guy, overwhelm you with his own awesomeness and all that, perhaps even change cities.He'll be alerted to saving his marriage,and he'll value your honesty. Don't fight this thing alone; you're too far gone into this other man.

I dont understant how you will write off someone seeking help and advice as being doomed. Even if she is up to some mischief and have really messed up, I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt and just advise her for the mere fact that she has asked for advice. Abi, person no dey confuse again?

Moreover, if na girl wey tear eye well well, she go do wetin she get for mind. . .no time for advise.

@Fredique

You know, i read your previous post on this topic and i fought back the urge to give a rebuttal to avoid a "war of words" which is pretty common place on NL but all the same, I'll serve you.

First of all (referring your previous post) you don't need to know all the facts about the poster's background.Her post alone indicates she is a fully fledged woman (not a lil girl) and there is nothing to suggest a forced marriage (you don't need to be a profiler to analyze this).

Secondly, she has obviously been having flings with her "friend" before the marriage to keep her yearning for more.

Third, her "friend" might not be taking her seriously as she is.All the while, he might have been the "bad-boy" type (which ladies seem to be drawn to) who kept her around as a fling.I have a gut feeling that her husband is the "nice guy" type of person who doesn't treat her like a LovePeddler or gets nasty with her and she misses the "real man" in her life (If you know anything about women, then you can relate to what i just said.If you don't, well, whatever)

Fourth, i agree we are all human and sinful but there's a line else i would trace your ip,track you and gun you down for your annoying "civilized comments" (hehehehe, lol).She is married for God's sake.She must have dated this guy before getting married.This "friend" of her's wasn't keen on getting married and i bet he isn't bent of getting married now.So wetin be her own?She wants to catch her "trips" and she has a husband who isn't keeping a close eye on her (because of "civilized trust" else he would have known that she was sending texts and talking to a rival on the phone (I'm sure you are one of those guys that would accuse the guy of insecurity if he did this).

I know you're trying to be "Mr nice,civil and mannered" but apply some common sense before you reply.This is not Hollywood.Dis na 9ja people and in spite of all the education, we still have principles (thank God) else we would have gay guys kissing on the street.

Wow!!! I actually replied without negative words, lol

Equivalent to missing one's vocation or choosing a wrong job.
U are in for confusion. However you can choose to leave your
marriage if your ex-b wants u but he does nt. So concentrate
on what you have got and forge ahead.

Sorri ohhh

Madam jeny,i think u didn't fully understand wat marriage is bout b4 jumping into it.nw just barely half way gone,u confused? Damn,guyz is marriage really worth it any more? Am sure dat dirty slut that callz her self jeny would also be preachin luv to her poor husband,and callin him by pet names she callz her ex ! Damn!

Na waaooo!! Can't understand why?

My dear  Jeny I really do empathise with you. I am trying to figure out what you may be going through right now. You are not the only one in such a situation. It is not perculiar to you and nothing is particularly wrong with you. You are just being human.

My response may be a bit long but bear with me. Basically what you are responding to is instincts. I mean animal instincts. It is normal for animals to desire to procreate and transfer their traits to offsprings in such a way as to preserve their heritage and dominate their environment. That's why animals fight to protect their 'territory'. Now bear in mind that territory includes the contents. A king lion for instance will fight off other adventurers from his 'hood' because he depends on the lioness for food, emotional care and otherwise. Basically you have developed some form of territorial affinity for that guy even though right now you belong to another man.

Why do you think gangsters fight in order to protect their zone from other infiltrators? Basically animals want to keep/maintain/stay with their own kind. Someone they love, cherish, adore, respect, etc. So what you are experiencing is normal. However, what may not be normal is the response/course of action you suggested you want take (having a baby for him).

Let me tell you the truth, you are simply responding to emotions. The good thing is that emotions can be put under control. If you build a new mental model of your husband today, he becomes exactly what your model is. Marriage is for matured people (emotionally, financially, spiritually, socially, physically, mentally and otherwise). This is the time to test your emotional and mental maturity. You must be honest to yourself. Do a real profound sober reflection. Consider alternatives. Be mentally strong. Say no and stand by it.

You may divorce your husband. But have you thought of the possible consequencies of such an action;
1. Your so called best friend may not trust you (because he may think you can do same to himin the future)
2. Your current husband may become a wreck and take his revenge with vilolence (which could be fatal for everybody)
3. Your friend may have also developed deep affection for someone else over the years (so you practcally get exactly what you sowed)
4. Your friend may even have been nursing a grudge against you for abandoning him ostensibly to marry someone richer than him

Ask yourself the question 'if your friend was still strugling financially, would you still be desiring him?' and give yourself an honest answer. So you see, the kind of happiness you are searching for is only transient. At best, you will be fulfilling sexual fantacy each time you have sex with him and soil the marriage bed. Let's just say you simply satisfy sexual lust/passion.

Truth is that you are going to end up a tragedy if you continue like this. True happiness comes from within. Nobody gives it to you. You create it. It is a virtue. A virtue is a quality that is worked out by discipline/patience/determination/goodwill over time. Happiness doesen't come by abandoning your husband for your ex-boyfirend you initially abandoned. No babygirl. I say a big NO. You friend may only succeed in giving you sexual pleasure but trust me the price is not worth the trouble. You'll only end up like a rat in a mase and ultimatelly destruction will be the end.

Let's assume you made some mistakes in the past, part of which may be the decision to marry your husband of today. Maybe if you were wiser, you would have stuck to your man whether he was ready or not. You would have realised that achieving happiness is a process, a journey and not a gift from anyone. You would have supported his dreams, ambitions, goals and aspirations. You would have been there for him since you love him so much and he was honest to let you know he was not yet ready. It is ok to feel bad for this gross mis-calculation on your part. My advice to you is go to your closet, cry out your heart, shed the tears, be sober and sorry, then wipe your tears and kiss him goodbye. Becasue you have missed him for ever. Don't dwell in the past and make more mistakes.

Delete all his contacts from your phone, notepad, email etc. Practically create an abyss between you and him. Don't ask anybody about him. Just forget him for ever. And let give a practical advice, DON'T SEEK AUDIENCE TO TELL HIM WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO AND WHY. Rule of thumb from  my experience is the moment there is physical contact and the condition is semi-right, emotions will boil over and by the time you are done, you just had another illicit sexual encoungter with him. JUST DO IT NOW. SEVER ALL CONTACTS BLOCK HIS NUMBER FROM CALLING YOU. It is the right thing to do.

Babygirl you have taken your chance. Live with it and forget about what could have been. If I were you, I will build my husband into the man of my fantacy. Buy him the kind of clothes you admire most in guys. Love lhim ike there is no tomorrow. Build a different mental model of him in your heart. Support him to achieve great things.

Be grateful to him for every little thing he does for you. Cook him wonderful meals. Surprise him with love. Smile at him more often and be gracious with laughter and kindness towards him. Tell him all the time he is the best in the world and mean it. Update his wardrobe with trendy stuff. Enjoy every effort he makes to satisfy you. Turn him on with cute sexy attire. Make him go hungry for you all the time. Let him know how you can't have enough of him. Sexy see through lingerie sometimes will not be a bad idea. You know what I mean. You are a woman.

Share your erotic fantacies and desires with him. Tell him your emotional needs and communicate better with him to work out solutions. Join a fitness club and where time permits both of you should go together. Maintain joint bank accounts. Take a vacation to exotic locations together. Discuss your plans togetther and work them out. Help each other out in routine chores. Take him on a date an pick the bill. Take him on shopping expedition and pick the bill (even if you have to borrow from him). Seek to fulfiil a need in the house/in his life always.

Pray togetther with him always. If you don't believe in God, then all the things I have said plus more cannot help you. Above all seek JESUS. ASK HIM TO HELP YOU. TO COME INTO YOUR LIFE AND CHANGE IT FOR GOOD. HE WILL COME AND YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER REMAIN THE SAME. Remember, you are only human. Some problems/issues in life require some supernatural intervention, it appears this is one of them. GOD can help you though you may be helpless as a human.

I have tried to patiently pour out my heart. I know there is a solution. You can do tthe right thing with God's help but you must CHOOSE TO DO THE RIGHT THING. Remember it is normal to be in this situation but YOUR RESPONSE makes all the difference between LIFE and DEATH. I encourage you Jeni, CHOOSE LIFE THAT YOU MAY LIVE.

God bless you as you find a deeper meaning to your life's mission and great joy everyday of your life. Above all I WISH YOU A BLISSFUL MARRIAGE AHEAD.


Regards,
Onyema.

My dear Jeny, I really do empathise with you. I am trying to figure out what you may be going through right now. You are not the only one in such a situation. It is not perculiar to you and nothing is particularly wrong with you. You are just being human.

My response may be a bit long but bear with me. Basically what you are responding to is instincts. I mean animal instincts. It is normal for animals to desire to procreate and transfer their traits to offsprings in such a way as to preserve their heritage and dominate their environment. That's why animals fight to protect their 'territory'. Now bear in mind that territory includes the contents. A king lion for instance will fight off other adventurers from his 'hood' because he depends on the lioness for food, emotional care and otherwise. Basically you have developed some form of territorial affinity for that guy even though right now you belong to another man.

Why do you think gangsters fight in order to protect their zone from other infiltrators? Basically animals want to keep/maintain/stay with their own kind. Someone they love, cherish, adore, respect, etc. So what you are experiencing is normal. However, what may not be normal is the response/course of action you suggested you want take (having a baby for him).

Let me tell you the truth, you are simply responding to emotions. The good thing is that emotions can be put under control. If you build a new mental model of your husband today, he becomes exactly what your model is. Marriage is for matured people (emotionally, financially, spiritually, socially, physically, mentally and otherwise). This is the time to test your emotional and mental maturity. You must be honest to yourself. Do a real profound sober reflection. Consider alternatives. Be mentally strong. Say no and stand by it.

You may divorce your husband. But have you thought of the possible consequencies of such an action;
1. Your so called best friend may not trust you (because he may think you can do same to himin the future)
2. Your current husband may become a wreck and take his revenge with vilolence (which could be fatal for everybody)
3. Your friend may have also developed deep affection for someone else over the years (so you practcally get exactly what you sowed)
4. Your friend may even have been nursing a grudge against you for abandoning him ostensibly to marry someone richer than him

Ask yourself the question 'if your friend was still strugling financially, would you still be desiring him?' and give yourself an honest answer. So you see, the kind of happiness you are searching for is only transient. At best, you will be fulfilling sexual fantacy each time you have sex with him and soil the marriage bed. Let's just say you simply satisfy sexual lust/passion.

Truth is that you are going to end up a tragedy if you continue like this. True happiness comes from within. Nobody gives it to you. You create it. It is a virtue. A virtue is a quality that is worked out by discipline/patience/determination/goodwill over time. Happiness doesen't come by abandoning your husband for your ex-boyfirend you initially abandoned. No babygirl. I say a big NO. You friend may only succeed in giving you sexual pleasure but trust me the price is not worth the trouble. You'll only end up like a rat in a mase and ultimatelly destruction will be the end.

Let's assume you made some mistakes in the past, part of which may be the decision to marry your husband of today. Maybe if you were wiser, you would have stuck to your man whether he was ready or not. You would have realised that achieving happiness is a process, a journey and not a gift from anyone. You would have supported his dreams, ambitions, goals and aspirations. You would have been there for him since you love him so much and he was honest to let you know he was not yet ready. It is ok to feel bad for this gross mis-calculation on your part. My advice to you is go to your closet, cry out your heart, shed the tears, be sober and sorry, then wipe your tears and kiss him goodbye. Becasue you have missed him for ever. Don't dwell in the past and make more mistakes.

Delete all his contacts from your phone, notepad, email etc. Practically create an abyss between you and him. Don't ask anybody about him. Just forget him for ever. And let give a practical advice, DON'T SEEK AUDIENCE TO TELL HIM WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO AND WHY. Rule of thumb from my experience is the moment there is physical contact and the condition is semi-right, emotions will boil over and by the time you are done, you just had another illicit sexual encoungter with him. JUST DO IT NOW. SEVER ALL CONTACTS BLOCK HIS NUMBER FROM CALLING YOU. It is the right thing to do.

Babygirl you have taken your chance. Live with it and forget about what could have been. If I were you, I will build my husband into the man of my fantacy. Buy him the kind of clothes you admire most in guys. Love lhim ike there is no tomorrow. Build a different mental model of him in your heart. Support him to achieve great things.

Be grateful to him for every little thing he does for you. Cook him wonderful meals. Surprise him with love. Smile at him more often and be gracious with laughter and kindness towards him. Tell him all the time he is the best in the world and mean it. Update his wardrobe with trendy stuff. Enjoy every effort he makes to satisfy you. Turn him on with cute sexy attire. Make him go hungry for you all the time. Let him know how you can't have enough of him. Sexy see through lingerie sometimes will not be a bad idea. You know what I mean. You are a woman.

Share your erotic fantacies and desires with him. Tell him your emotional needs and communicate better with him to work out solutions. Join a fitness club and where time permits both of you should go together. Maintain joint bank accounts. Take a vacation to exotic locations together. Discuss your plans togetther and work them out. Help each other out in routine chores. Take him on a date an pick the bill. Take him on shopping expedition and pick the bill (even if you have to borrow from him). Seek to fulfiil a need in the house/in his life always.

Pray togetther with him always. If you don't believe in God, then all the things I have said plus more cannot help you. Above all seek JESUS. ASK HIM TO HELP YOU. TO COME INTO YOUR LIFE AND CHANGE IT FOR GOOD. HE WILL COME AND YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER REMAIN THE SAME. Remember, you are only human. Some problems/issues in life require some supernatural intervention, it appears this is one of them. GOD can help you though you may be helpless as a human.

I have tried to patiently pour out my heart. I know there is a solution. You can do tthe right thing with God's help but you must CHOOSE TO DO THE RIGHT THING. Remember it is normal to be in this situation but YOUR RESPONSE makes all the difference between LIFE and DEATH. I encourage you Jeni, CHOOSE LIFE THAT YOU MAY LIVE.

God bless you as you find a deeper meaning to your life's mission and great joy everyday of your life. Above all I WISH YOU A BLISSFUL MARRIAGE AHEAD.


Regards.

Jeni-Y:

I am married and crazy in love with my best friend.
It's hard to forget him and I contact him often.
We are just friends but have strong feelings for each other.
I send him sms a lot, which I would be very happy to stop but can't stop thinking about him or write him.

I think about him every minute and wish we could be together. He made it clear to me that we could only be friends cuz I am married now.

I always wish I could have a child with him. I am getting sick of this, I am not happy anymore with my marriage. It drives me crazy.

I don't know what to do to control myself.

Jeni-Y:

He wasn't ready for marriage then.

i order for turkey even though i wanted chicken but i ordered for turkey, i have eaten the turkey half way through but i prefer having the chicken and i don't know what to do. why i didnt order for the chicken initially was because it wasn't ready yet so i had the turkey even though i will die to have the chicken, sum1 plz help me!


FYI: chickens don't take that long to cook  

@na2day

Nice one, lol

mccloud224:


Secondly, she has obviously been having flings with her "friend" before the marriage to keep her yearning for more.

@mccloud224
There is nothing in her post to suggest the above assertion

All I'm saying is that you can advise her without being judgemental. All she asked for is an advise.

What you have written is a possibility, since some girls can be unreasonable. But another possibility is that she is a good girl in a bad marriage, having 'perverted' feeling and is seeking help. From her post, she could be like any normal girl who has wrong feelings, and wants to deal with it. She has only taken advantage of the anonymity of nairaland to express her feelings and seek council. Judging from her post, there is nothing to suggest that she has actually done anything aside from communicating with her best friend. So I dont see the need for the name calling. . .some one even added that she is a 'dirty slut' -which is unneccesary, in my opinion.

mccloud224:

@Fredique

You know, i read your previous post on this topic and i fought back the urge to give a rebuttal to avoid a "war of words" which is pretty common place on NL but all the same, I'll serve you.

First of all (referring your previous post) you don't need to know all the facts about the poster's background.Her post alone indicates she is a fully fledged woman (not a lil girl) and there is nothing to suggest a forced marriage (you don't need to be a profiler to analyze this).

Secondly, she has obviously been having flings with her "friend" before the marriage to keep her yearning for more.

Third, her "friend" might not be taking her seriously as she is.All the while, he might have been the "bad-boy" type (which ladies seem to be drawn to) who kept her around as a fling.I have a gut feeling that her husband is the "nice guy" type of person who doesn't treat her like a LovePeddler or gets nasty with her and she misses the "real man" in her life (If you know anything about women, then you can relate to what i just said.If you don't, well, whatever)

Fourth, i agree we are all human and sinful but there's a line else i would trace your ip,track you and gun you down for your annoying "civilized comments" (hehehehe, lol).She is married for God's sake.She must have dated this guy before getting married.This "friend" of her's wasn't keen on getting married and i bet he isn't bent of getting married now.So wetin be her own?She wants to catch her "trips" and she has a husband who isn't keeping a close eye on her (because of "civilized trust" else he would have known that she was sending texts and talking to a rival on the phone (I'm sure you are one of those guys that would accuse the guy of insecurity if he did this).

I know you're trying to be "Mr nice,civil and mannered" but apply some common sense before you reply.This is not Hollywood.Dis na 9ja people and in spite of all the education, we still have principles (thank God) else we would have gay guys kissing on the street.

Wow!!! I actually replied without negative words, lol

Agreed! I'm sure her husband is the 'nice guy' type that won't hurt a fly. The guy is probably still in the 'friend zone' and hasn't had sex with her yet! You'll be surprised.

@ poster
I can understand how u feel cos i'm in a similar situation.
In her own case, her hubby is a great guy, i've met him and he treats her well. U may even be her self so i'l address u as if i'm talkin to her.
I'm not going to criticise you cause sometimes we cant choose how we feel about someone but want u to know this. Yeah i still have feelins for u but the fact that u did not believe in me enough to wait for me is something that will never be overlooked.
Bottom line, even if you leave your hubby today, i'm not goin to take you back.
With that in mind, its best you work on ur marriage cos there's no future for us.

8inch+:

@ poster
I can understand how u feel cos i'm in a similar situation.
In her own case, her hubby is a great guy, i've met him and he treats her well. U may even be her self so i'l address u as if i'm talkin to her.
I'm not going to criticise you cause sometimes we cant choose how we feel about someone but want u to know this. Yeah i still have feelins for u but the fact that u did not believe in me enough to wait for me is something that will never be overlooked.
Bottom line, even if you leave your hubby today, i'm not goin to take you back.
With that in mind, its best you work on your marriage cos there's no future for us.

wow! all of una get plenty wahala for this life ooo but good advice mate

Pls save ur marriage

save ur marriage

If your best friend loved you enough he would not have let you marry another man. Stop contacting him and focus on your husband. I just have this feeling that you and you alone will get hurt if you do not let this go

Outstrip:

If your best friend loved you enough he would not have let you marry another man. Stop contacting him and focus on your husband. I just have this feeling that you and you alone will get hurt if you do not let this go

typical NL girl, always twisting the story, i hope u actually read her post b4 u made ur comment

truly wat do u want 2 hear. u know its wrong otherwise u wudnt av postd it. put urself in ur husbands shoes and imagine another woman,

na2day?:

typical NL girl, always twisting the story, i hope u actually read her post b4 u made your comment

I read the story but obviously you did not

.

na2day?:

typical NL girl, always twisting the story, i hope u actually read her post b4 u made your comment

Didn't find anything wrong with Outstrip's post u know, sure, if she loves the boyfriend so much, why did she marry the dude?

bettymafy:

y is everybody yelling at her? these things happen everytime. there are basic questions that need to be asked. first of all,did she eva love her husband b4 getting married to him?how is her marriage going now? is the husband maltreating her? doe her husband cheat on her? does he care care 4 her?does she think the husband loves her at all? this 'bestfriend' of hers, how is she sure that the guy loves her enuf to settle down with her?
i dont believe any girl in her sane mind wuld want to cheat on her husband except the husband is misbehaving.she wuldn't want to cheat on the husband knowing fully well that he cares and loves her so much. so its a 2 way thing. the husband migth have a hand in this.all she needs rigth now is o evaluate situations. if she thinks her bestfriend will do beta than her husband in marriage then let her take the bold step.period!
[color=#990000][/color]

Am begining to reason along your point of view. But on the contrary, maybe the sister found out that she' running out of age and needed someone to cling on as its c'mon with many ladies nowadays, after hip hopping from one man to another deceiving and bein decieved, the look for one innocent man and fake _innocency themselves to get that good man by all means. Some of them go as much as answering alter calls at church with tears in their eyes! joining all the groups in the church, and at last, when the new marriage can't offer the sweet lies talks that BG/GF tells one another, the sexual adventures that are most common in BF/GF that married men sometimes sees childish, all the frolickings of BG/GF totally missing, they cry out.

Sometimes, people faces similar problems due to high expectations they once had before goin into marriage that are never met, If a guy/lady could tutor his/her mind that there' distinct difference between relationship and marriage, the better,

So so simple, delete all his contact, and face your marriage. Or how do you communicate with someone you don't have his contact, except you are deceiving yourself. It takes a lot of courage to do though but that will really help, DELETE ALL HIS CONTACT, email, phone numbers, sms sent and received, email sent and received, everything.

Realsam:

So so simple, delete all his contact, and face your marriage. Or how do you communicate with someone you don't have his contact, except you are deceiving yourself. It takes a lot of courage to do though but that will really help, DELETE ALL HIS CONTACT, email, phone numbers, sms sent and received, email sent and received, everything.

Also delete his thoughts and numbers from ur memory eh?

@poster life is short . What you will do is that you will throw your leg very wide open for your boy friend enjoy him very well after all he tasted it first

I feel sorry for your hubby cos you're just as stupid as they can get. You've already cheated on your hubby in your mind and no amount of counselling will stop you from doing what you want to do.

All I can hope for you is that you get caught in the act by people and cameras.

All I will say is,

YOU NEED DELIVERANCE!!!!!