Ive been dating this young man for the past five yrs who happened to be my first . We broke up for two yrs and came back together last yr nov.He is 36 and i will be 31 this year.Ive been fortunate to have a very good job,but he is not tht lucky in the labour market(pls note that we met while we were serving sme yrs back).This has been causing a lot of friction in between us.All my friends believe i must be so stupid to be witha man that can hardly feed himself,but the truth is i love him deeply and i knw he feels the same as well.He has been runing from one pillar to post in search of a job but nothing positive has come out of this .My question is for how long will i continue to wait?I ve been asking him this same question all the while and he `s been saying i suld be patient and that he is convinced he will make it blabla.
I asked him this same question last weekend and i was shocked when he told me that he is always feeling guilty whenver i ask him this question,that i always sound as if he is tying me down which doesnt go down well with him.He capped it all by saying if i meet anyone that i truly love that am free to go so far am happy he will be happy.My question is

1 Can somebody that truly loves you come up with this after so many yrs?

2,What do i do ?Am confused and to make matter worse,we are in 2 diff states,we rarely see
A part of me is saying am wasting my time,while another part of me is saying i suld still be patient but for how long nairalanders?

Your 31? Wrk the puzzle out!

This is why i'm totally against long relationships. Why on earth will you date one person for 5 good years? You dont need anyone to tell you that women dont have time. When you hit 30,your chances drastically reduce. Why did you break up? If it didnt work out when you dated him for 5 years,why should it work out now? And doesnt it strike you as suspicious that he decided to hook up with you now that you're financially buoyant? Think with your head,and not with your heart,because,quite frankly,you cant afford to do otherwise. If getting married and having a family is important to you at this point in your life(as it should be)then think long and hard before you make this choice.

Atreus:

This is why i'm totally against long relationships. Why on earth will you date one person for 5 good years? You dont need anyone to tell you that women dont have time. When you hit 30,your chances drastically reduce. Why did you break up? If it didnt work out when you dated him for 5 years,why should it work out now? And doesnt it strike you as suspicious that he decided to hook up with you now that you're financially buoyant? Think with your head,and not with your heart,because,quite frankly,you cant afford to do otherwise. If getting married and having a family is important to you at this point in your life(as it should be)then think long and hard before you make this choice.

Exactly!!!

This is also why I dont date poor guys. The come up with really lousy things.

@ Poster

I'll advise you to move on. Its obvious the guys has no plans of marrying you. Even if you continue in the relationship, dont put all your mind in it. Start looking for other options while you still can. Forget love my dear, it's an illusion!

Ujujoan:

Exactly!!!

This is also why I dont date poor guys. The come up with really lousy things.

@ Poster

I'll advise you to move on. Its obvious the guys has no plans of marrying you. Even if you continue in the relationship, dont put all your mind in it. Start looking for other options while you still can. Forget love my dear, it's an illusion!

pls expantiate

Ujujoan:

Exactly!!!

This is also why I dont date poor guys. The come up with really lousy things.

@ Poster

I'll advise you to move on. Its obvious the guys has no plans of marrying you. Even if you continue in the relationship, dont put all your mind in it. Start looking for other options while you still can. Forget love my dear, it's an illusion!

Ouch!

To be candid with you, age is no longer on ur side. If both of you truely love and understand each other and you think you will be able to shoulder the family responsibities before he gets a job, fine if he truely meant you he will see to it, it's not a crime. But starting another new relationship is not the solution except if you see and understand that he is not serious.

Wonderful. That means she'll give him the money to pay her brideprice,buy her own damn wedding ring,pay for the wedding,then after the marriage,feed and clothe him,and if they have a kid,she'll also do the same for their child. How can any self-respecting man take that. Op,love has nothing to do with this. He's a liability,and you simply dont have the time to wait for him to make something out of his life.

ThoniaSlim:

Ouch!

@ThoniaSlim

Sounds Painful

BY the way Where is KL ?
( A very curious mind asking lol)

carvone:

Ive been dating this young man for the past five yrs who happened to be my first . We broke up for two yrs and came back together last yr nov.He is 36 and i will be 31 this year.Ive been fortunate to have a very good job,but he is not tht lucky in the labour marke[/b]t(pls note that we met while we were serving sme yrs back).This has been causing a lot of friction in between us.[b]All my friends believe i must be so stupid to be witha man that can hardly feed himself,but the truth is i love him deeply and i knw he feels the same as well.He has been runing from one pillar to post in search of a job but nothing positive has come out of this .My question is for how long will i continue to wait?I ve been asking him this same question all the while and he `s been saying i suld be patient and that he is convinced he will make it blabla.I asked him this same question last weekend and i was shocked when he told me that he is always feeling guilty whenver i ask him this question,that i always sound as if he is tying me down which doesnt go down well with him.He capped it all by saying if i meet anyone that i truly love that am free to go so far am happy he will be happy.My question is

1 Can somebody that truly loves you come up with this after so many yrs?

2,What do i do ?Am confused and to make matter worse,we are in 2 diff states,we rarely see
A part of me is saying am wasting my time,while another part of me is saying i suld still be patient but for how long nairalanders?

well atleats u have a good job, something u both can plan on while he looks for something to do. afterall, he is not a lazy person.

until u stop comparing or lettin other people help u make a decision, u will never move ahead.
u cant work u life pattern based on some1 else's blueprint.


what u shud put into consideration, is that he is making an effort. and am sure that all efforts surely payoff @ some point.
that he is 30-something don't mean he is a failure.


am certain that u have made up ur mind concerning if he Will be successful in life or not.
and moreso u seem to be the one mounting the pressure on the dude.
so why make him look like the bad person.


he said the same things i would have told you.
look u are the one who is pushing himinto saying it, and don't make it look otherwise.

just go if u wanna go and don't make his life anyworse than it is already.
i wonder why women feel there is a rush to get married and blah blah blah!
what is wrong in sticking with the  dude, and if ur biological clock is running out, then have a child together and work it out.

@ izeek, I do agree what u said, but u might not be agreed with cause u're a dude, To me, I believe the pressure is on the guy especially with his financial downess.

@ Carvone, I believed, u know where your heart lays or directing you. If it is a family you want or if it is surface love that matters to you? You have been with him for 5 years and you know what you've been through with him, sunny and rainy days, how does he put smile on ur face, , if his aura cause goodness in your life or bring bad omens to you. While am not clamoring for you to marry a poor guy, sometimes, the association of those around makes life more productive and enjoyable.

The best thing in life is to be happy NOW cause tomorrow promise no man.

MrLoverMAn:

@ThoniaSlim

Sounds Painful

BY the way[b] Where is KL ?[/b]
( A very curious mind asking lol)

Kuala Lumpur.

Its a good thing you u both know you love each, have you ever considered if it is the way round, will the guy still be there for u, not everybody is meant to earn salary , why dont u set the guy up in one business or the other, at least he will contribute to the table.
31 is not too old , but starting all over again is the main issue. as for your friends advice, be very careful, they migth not even have any boy friend. i feel u.

izeek:

well atleats u have a good job, something u both can plan on while he looks for something to do. afterall, he is not a lazy person.

until u stop comparing or lettin other people help u make a decision, u will never move ahead.
u cant work u life pattern based on some1 else's blueprint.


what u shud put into consideration, is that he is making an effort. and am sure that all efforts surely payoff @ some point.
that he is 30-something don't mean he is a failure.


am certain that u have made up your mind concerning if he Will be successful in life or not.
and moreso u seem to be the one mounting the pressure on the dude.
so why make him look like the bad person.


he said the same things i would have told you.
look u are the one who is pushing himinto saying it, and don't make it look otherwise.

just go if u wanna go and don't make his life anyworse than it is already.
i wonder why women feel there is a rush to get married and blah blah blah!
what is wrong in sticking with the dude, and if your biological clock is running out, then have a child together and work it out.

Good talk.

I wish he had a job and you dont, be honest would you have preffered it that way?
You dont know the pressure he is going through. not only for the fact that he does not have a job at 36, but for the fact that the girl he loves might leave him becasue he has not lived up to expectation.

and to all ye girls saying you hate dating poor guys. remember that poor guy never wish to be poor, the country is hard and everybody have their dreams, no matter what.

I really feel for your guy rather than you (yes i know how you feel as a woman and the age thing) but you have a job, if u were married will u leave him becasue he has go no job? i know of people who marry when things were rosy but things got worst at some time, what did they do? they worked things out.
you can work things out, u are matured enof, u dont need to listen to what people say.

Cheers

@MADAM POSTER,
The guy gave you the best reply in the circumstance. What he was telling is to let you decide what to do while he lick his wound later. Not many guys can tell a woman they love to find another man.

In truth, he may love you very deeply. But what should he do? Rob a bank?

Now, what can you do?

I will not ask you to leave him just like that.

Try this:

Since you know him for 5 years, you should be able to answer the following questions;
1. Is he someone gifted in any skill that he can use to make money (minus kidnapping, pickpocketing and lies);
2. Has he ever muted the idea of setting up a business? What were his plans?
3. Is he a briliance young(old) man or he is a 3 class holder who managed to get out of the university by luck?
Is he a faithful, loyal lover or a womanizer?

What was his qualification and course of study?

Let here you! There is nothing wrong in being jobless, and poor. What is unacceptable is doing nothing about the situation.

Until I read from you, cheers!

carvone:

1 Can somebody that truly loves you come up with this after so many yrs?

2,What do i do ?Am confused and to make matter worse,we are in 2 diff states,we rarely see
A part of me is saying am wasting my time,while another part of me is saying i suld still be patient but for how long nairalanders?

Yes, i would have given you exactly the same response too had i been in his shoes. No matter how much you love a woman, when she wants to leave there's nothing you can do. You can only wish her goodluck.
You're putting pressure on him and he's probably begining to think you're looking for a way to back out now since he doesnt have a job to support you.

What happened to sticking it out together with him?

As to the girl who said she doesnt date poor guys . . . i hope she's rich herself.

My sister that guy might truely love you as you said, but he is in a very tight situation as MONEY is of very vital importance in marriage.since things is not really working out for him, you will still be on the standby.My candid advice is since you are 31 just work out the puzzle yourself,i believe only you know's what you want.best of luck.

Move on.  you, as the lady, should not have to be reminding him that the clock is ticking. just move on, and let him realize your worth. if he doesn't you'll still be a free woman. 5 years? oh,  yeah he's had plenty time to do something!

thonia sef dey advice!

But why are you even asking him such a question if you are not looking for trouble. ok, please how do you expect him to answer, that u should wait? so that at the end of the day you will start blaming him for keeping you waiting? look if h tells you to wait, you will be on his neck because the words came from him.

I think you are being selfish, thinking only of yourself. you think you are getting old, but u have a job. he is getting old yet he is jobless. A lot of nigerians are facing this problem.

I think you have a good man, please keep to him. work things out between you two. that is one of the sign of a good woman. if he had a job and you have none, would support you, now he donsnt have, suport him

what is the assurance that the next man you will go to will be better off, even if he is richer

use ur head

frank i completly agree with u, look wat do expect him to say?u sound so much like u friends are influencing u, u av d final say, but know i think u shld take thingds easy and not push him. rather encourage ghim, he is depress already with the job thing don't make him more depressed with ur marriage issue, guys who have women who stood by them during tough time appreciate them more, so plz stand by him now.

carvone:



1 Can somebody that truly loves you come up with this after so many yrs?

2,What do i do ?Am confused  and to make matter worse,we are in 2 diff states,we rarely see
A part of me is saying am wasting my time,while another part of me is saying i suld still be patient but for how long nairalanders?

Answer to Question 1

Yes! Someone that truly loves you might become tempted to suggest such a thing to his loved one (but you must realize that he was tempted by you to do so!) The reason? Like he said, he wants you to be happy, and believe it or not, he TRULY loves you. And take note that men naturally need to be left alone to solve their problems. Learn not to bother him so often, or doubt his confidence and ability to make it. He is the MAN! Instead, tell him such words as, "Honey. It's not your fault. I know you are trying your best, and I am sure that everything will soon be fine. It's just a matter of time. So, cheer up!"

Reason it: he is willing to sacrifice being with you to make you happy (if you eventually find someone who has the money), and let himself go unhappy for the rest of his life. Pity him! Haba! After all these years? Why quit now? He needs you right now more than ever girl!


Answer to Question 2

You are not confused! Get that first. You are only trying to (unconsciously) listen to what the people around you are telling you. My dear, people will always talk; whether what is happening is good or bad! Shut out the other voices and listen to the soothing words your heart keeps on telling you; "You love and you trust him. You have come this far with him. FINISH YOUR RACE!"

Distance doesn't matter! Learn to see everything in life as risky. And indeed, (believe me) of everything we do on this earth, no one is ever certain of anything; from investment to business, from learning the real thing to taking exams, and so on. That is why you must pray. Prayer will give you the most certain answer from God; JUST the way you want that situation to change to. Pray also from the bottom of your heart so that he'll get a job soon, as well.

Have a peaceful mind!  because nothing is wrong. He loves you; VERY much. Hold onto him. This is what marriage will look like later. Tell me, if you can't trust him or a word he says now, will it be then when you're now ONE that you will?

FINISH YOUR (SWEET) race,  THE HONEY IS JUST ONE FOOT WAY!

@poster
if i was your bf, i would have told you the exact same answer that he gave you because he is absolutely right!
since his financial situation is a problem to you and your friends then if you have better options then take them and be done with the misery. I for one, would have never take any of your nagging. he is down and needs support instead of a person who is looking at her own side of the world. the years that you guys spent together should have been a sign to you that this guy means business but since he is broke (and in 9ja a man without money is viewed as a failure) he hasnt moved to the next step.

women like yourself will never find true happiness because you look at the wrong issues in life.
if that man loves you and you too love him then the fact that he has no money should have never enter you mind.
if you cant even help and support him in his times of needs then i can already see what will happen when he makes it, he will bounce knowing that you are the kind of woman that value financial security before love.

yes in this day and age you have to get a job but if a man doesnt have one, he shouldnt be void automatically as a good marriage potential.
all the women out there who shout about equality between the sexes etc should come and tell me why a man can marry a girl with no job or prospects but a woman cannot do the same thing. get real!

Girl, where are you going? No time to waste jare! Support.

@ngel0v3:

Answer to Question 1

Yes! Someone that truly loves you might become tempted to suggest such a thing to his loved one (but you must realize that he was tempted by you to do so!) The reason? Like he said, he wants you to be happy, and believe it or not, he TRULY loves you. And take note that men naturally need to be left alone to solve their problems. Learn not to bother him so often, or doubt his confidence and ability to make it. He is the MAN! Instead, tell him such words as, "Honey. It's not your fault. I know you are trying your best, and I am sure that everything will soon be fine. It's just a matter of time. So, cheer up!"

Reason it: he is willing to sacrifice being with you to make you happy (if you eventually find someone who has the money), and let himself go unhappy for the rest of his life. Pity him! Haba! After all these years? Why quit now? He needs you right now more than ever girl!


Answer to Question 2

You are not confused! Get that first. You are only trying to (unconsciously) listen to what the people around you are telling you. My dear, people will always talk; whether what is happening is good or bad! Shut out the other voices and listen to the soothing words your heart keeps on telling you; "You love and you trust him. You have come this far with him. FINISH YOUR RACE!"

Distance doesn't matter! Learn to see everything in life as risky. And indeed, (believe me) of everything we do on this earth, no one is ever certain of anything; from investment to business, from learning the real thing to taking exams, and so on. That is why you must pray. Prayer will give you the most certain answer from God; JUST the way you want that situation to change to. Pray also from the bottom of your heart so that he'll get a job soon, as well.

Have a peaceful mind!  because nothing is wrong. He loves you; VERY much. Hold onto him. This is what marriage will look like later. Tell me, if you can't trust him or a word he says now, will it be then when you're now ONE that you will?

FINISH YOUR (SWEET) race,  THE HONEY IS JUST ONE FOOT WAY!

The best advice so far,  cool 

@OP,  I feel  your pains,   

Secretz:

Girl, where are you going? No time to waste jare! Support. 

Not quite easy oooo,  No be by ordinary mouth ooo to support

faakay:

The best advice so far, cool

@OP, I feel your pains,

Not quite easy oooo, No be by ordinary mouth ooo to support

I know, but I mean in this case she should support and stick by him or leave, or listen to other people. It's all good that she's complaining that he doesn't have a job, but abi, is he not looking? He doesn't seem lazy. Even if she had married him before the 5 years came around, his fate is his fate, meaning this period of unemployment may have still cropped up for him. What if he eventually finds a very good job and she's gone on a new venture with someone else? (which may not guarantee that it will also lead to marriage. ) Either way, she is not living her life for other people.

Secretz:

I know, but I mean in this case she should support and stick by him or leave, or listen to other people. It's all good that she's complaining that he doesn't have a job, but abi, is he not looking? He doesn't seem lazy. Even if she had married him before the 5 years came around, his fate is his fate, meaning this period of unemployment may have still cropped up for him. What if he eventually finds a very good job and she's gone on a new venture with someone else? (which may not guarantee that it will also lead to marriage. ) Either way, she is not living her life for other people. 

But you know you ladies wouldn't want to be in this kind of situation. Selfishness, like so I will be the one responsible for my hubby needs, never! Over ma dead body. bla, bla, bla , but you ladies want us to be responsible,  why not the other way round

How many ladies/women can do this? What will you do if you are in this kinda of situation? Support or Leave?

If the lady got excessive funds that another case meanwhile I think only 2% of ladies/women can do it.

It's up to the lady, either you take charge of the responsiblity NOW or LEAVE! The choice is yours,

To start a new relationship by now @31 is quite difficult hehehe,  and he is the best man you have got? I get her drift, she is scared of taking the responsibilities of her hubby, money never even reach for lipstick, hair, fashion, make-up sef, another wahala go come enter,   

I will advise her to stick to him jaree and work out things together for the better

This one na real dilemma oo!! Anything wey go be go be!!

If man no get money for this EARTH na BIG SIN! ESE NLA = Biggest Crime!!   

test him, stress him, push him. totally break up with him and truly leave him for good. if he is going to marry you, this is the best time to tell that. if he really want to marry you (not just wanting you back o) and matured he will know that the only way he can get you back is via marrying you. any otherwise action from him, simply move on and pitch your tent elsewhere.

SOME MEN ARE NOT WORTH WAITING FOR. If gets a good job, you just may suddenly be slightly "not good enough" for him

I quite appreciate all your responses,and i must confess i feel a lot relieved.I cant reply all comments but would like to correct some misconceptions by one or two pple
@atreus:The 2 yr break is inclusive of the five yrs am referring to.
Far from a gold digger.I got my job while we were dating

@Olanajim:Tried setting up a biz but the biz failed.He is working on a small project at the moment
A lawyer by profession and quite intelligent

For pple that believe am being selfish ,wont blame you ,but would you have considered me to be selfish if i were to be your blood sis?

@ngelov3:Appreciate your analysis.Thank you very much

@mr BrownJay:Pls try and always read in between the lines before you reply,and if there is any need for clarification, you ask and dont jump into conclusion.It is not compulsory to reply all mailis
Pls note that if his financial situation would be a bother,i certainly wouldnt have been with him in the first place and should have stuck with Ujujoan`s principle.All the same thank you

@all : Thank you all for taking your time to reply