Jimbadly:
If he was like this when both of you started dating and you still went ahead and married him, well then I'm afraid you'll have to put up with his attitude for life. That is why dating prior to marriage is vital to know whom you're settling down with. It's obvious both of you are incompatible. You can keep trying to change him though. It'll take a lot of hard work and effort.

I have a feeling his background is responsible for his attitude. Perhaps he comes from a family where a lot of emphasis is placed on maximum respect. He might be one of the guys who believe that giving a woman too much latitude breeds contempt and lack of respect in the long run. In that case it'll be extremely difficult to change his ingrained mindset.

The way I see it, you have absolutely no reason to be unhappy in the marriage. As long as he's faithful and fulfils his responsibilities as a husband, then there's absolutely no reason for you to be depressed.

I disagree with your point on she has no reason to be unhappy just because..... Don't invalidate her feelings please. Some women like me want more than a man that is faithful and takes care of his responsibilities. There's more to life than that. Please it's a gross misconception that plays out way to often. Women are moved by other things too.

Handsomecole:
Come Ist did you people "date" at all even for a day before getting married?? Because me I don't understand this one ooo...

Well in a nut shell, leave your husband alone stop disturbing or perching around him. You know your duties as a wife, perform it an leave the rest.
You are not the Ist to get married to a husband like that. I have an aunt in ur situation. I've never seen the man's "teeth" b4 cos he is stern to the core, he even stopped my aunt from her medical practice to sit @ home to show you worse. But she got used to him and they are still together till date.


Perform your duties as a wife, respect your husband. Thats what he wants simple.

Wow. I think ur aunt's husband did a terrible thing and deprived d country and world of a medical doctor. It's not actually alright for a man to limit ur destiny cuz he is ur husband.

Terrible..

Some women can be so frustrating, even if the man is romantic, they will still complain, even if he gives all his time, they will complain it's too much, women can't be satisfied that's the honest truth. Everybody with Their cross abegiii

Phylemon:
Communication is the lifeblood of good marriages. Pour I mean POUR out ur thoughts to him in a relaxed atmosphere. No need to apportion blames. No need to win arguments. Jus let him know how u feel. Try do so more than once. If he doesn't change for good get someone he respects well to speak to him. Of course scrutinize yourself and make personal improvement where u have to. Ur marriage can succeed. All d very best

AfroKnight:
Why would it be an issue for you to show respect? Did we Nigerians not grow up respecting our older family members? It should not be difficult to show such respect to your husband who is not your mate.

From all you have written, it is obvious that you want a husband whom you can jokingly "yab" or play roughly with. But this man is not ready for such "games". Give him what he wants. Some people cannot stand little games like rubbing their heads or beating them on the shoulder or calling them goat or refusing to greet in the morning. To them, it is just too childish and disrespectful.

Such people don't start acting hard suddenly. You must have overlooked this during courtship. Better adjust. This is not relationship. This is marriage we are talking about.

A marriage needs more than respect to work you know? What's the point of the respect when there's no happiness in the home? And please, a man that decided to come down to her level and marry her no matter how old is her equal in marriage. Please don't put respect and elders in the same sentence when talking about marriage. Because by your logic, if her husband is younger, she should disrespect him. The kind of respect marriage requires is different. Playing with your spouse is not disrespectful. Gisting with your spouse is not disrespectful. From the write up, you can tell that the op is very conscious of not disrespecting her husband yet where has that led her? She is still not happy. Cut her some slack please.

No offence, but I hobestly think you have married what MFM's Olukoya wud call a 'baby husband'.
1) Keeps malice with his wife
2) runs to his mother at the slightest hint of trouble
3) Wants to be recognized as husband by force...smh

If you had only dated for two months (me I blame u sha) and got hitched, I cannot shake off the nagging feeling u r a beard or he feels trapped. Four years is too long to act like a child. I wouldn't advise you to keep being a doormat o.

A case of a social person been with an antisocial individual,.
.
....incompatibility is the issue here and can only be compatible with acceptance and adjustment...

I once destroyed such a relationship my sister was involved in with such a man. I was drained in his presence and my sister became a shell of herself dating a rigid slowpoke. Now she's marrying a man who worships the ground she walks in and I love that man like my brother! See my sister is just like you. Free spirited and very playful. Such people do not work well with the rigid types. I suspect this man is probably quite older than you and very insecure. Either about his background or sexual health. It all depends on you what you want to do but such types are extremely emotionally abusive. I think it's a mental illness actually because rigidity does not have a realistic place in such a volatile and unpredictable world.

Seriously, it happens but there is need for reconciliation and you have to take the lead irrespective of his manners towards you. I know you may ask why RECONCILIATION but am convinced of my Assertion. Something is burning deep inside your husband that requires your very best in him. He is hurt somewhere but your disposition can solve the issue. Get him to yourself in an Honourable discussion knowing the right time to do so, ask him to forgive you in anyway you might have wronged him, reminding him the early days of your relationship how both of you use to cuddle each other in all facets of life. Yes you might think you didn't do him nothing but I tell you that something went wrong somewhere. Forget pride of why you, just calm him down. I have a woman that can't openly tell you she is sorry and she argues alot and that alone gets men angry. If she offends me, the way she will calm me down is by showering sweet names on me but I just don't like it that way because it doesn't show any sense to me because the action might be repeated. I had to call her to order and tell her that such is not very ok though I have no grudges because am ready to say sorry even when you offends me of which she is aware . All am saying is much arguments can destroy your home, don't let it get serious. Let it be as he wants it sometimes, if any mistake comes out of it, he will see your relevance. Don't let misunderstanding last in your marriage because Satan is very trickery.

I am so sorry you hurt. Unjust want to assure you that marriage does get better with time. It's unfortunate your are not feeling the fresh air after 4 years already. Like others have rightly pointed out, the key to a successful marriage is friendship and understanding. You guys jumped class in your dating days dats why it seems not to be coming together in your marriage.
Youshould be each other best friends! That's more awesome than being good in bed together. Please, continue to be more patience and love you man. He has told you exactly what he wants from you, give it to him and he will make you his best friend and queen.

You are a woman, nobody teaches a woman how to be more loving even when we don't feel like. So, meet him at your door step, collect his bag and greet him like your mama taught you. Be extra polite and formal since he seems wants that! Hello!! You are not been a doormat but try to save your home..it will get better each day.
P.s, do stop apologizing at every argument, quarrel and misunderstanding, just listen when he talks and then smile. Save your home, it's not any better out there!

Go and tell your Pastor. Also start listen to radio continental there is one particular program for couple which I can't remember now which I belief can be of help to you moreso if you can call on that programe. It is well.

baby124:
I once destroyed such a relationship my sister was involved in with such a man. I was drained in his presence and my sister became a shell of herself dating a rigid slowpoke. Now she's marrying a man who worships the ground she walks in and I love that man like my brother! See my sister is just like you. Free spirited and very playful. Such people do not work well with the rigid types. I suspect this man is probably quite older than you and very insecure. Either about his background or sexual health. It all depends on you what you want to do but such types are extremely emotionally abusive. I think it's a mental illness actually because rigidity does not have a realistic place in such a volatile and unpredictable world.

spot on bro.
i know before now your sista must have been deceived/fooled to believe that unlike poles attract (which like most maxims can never be true in all cases) for example in relationships. even the Bible said we should not be unequally yoked. now am glad she knows better.
Ladies take note.
compatibility is key.

FxDuke:

spot on bro.
i know before now your sista must have been deceived/fooled to believe that unlike poles attract (which like most maxims can never be true in all cases) for example in relationships. even the Bible said we should not be unequally yoked. now am glad she knows better.
Ladies take note.
compatibility is key.

Thanks! But I am a woman. I am completely different from my sister and take no shit. I have effectively tamed such men in my dating past. Such men should marry no nonsense women, and you should see them cry for her! You will be shocked. Lmao. My sister is now with a guy that has her personality, and she is so successful and free now.

baby124:

Thanks! But I am a woman. I am completely different from my sister and take no shit. I have effectively tamed such men in my dating past. Such men should marry no nonsense women, and you should see them cry for her! You will be shocked. Lmao. My sister is now with a guy that has her personality, and she is so successful and free now.

oops sorry sis.
my bad.
noted!
wow thank God for her and that she finally saw the light

FxDuke:

oops sorry sis.
my bad.
noted!
wow thank God for her and that she finally saw the light

Iphesure212:
This is hurting. You should try seeing a therapist and have someone close to talk it out with. To unburden your heart and improve your relationship with ur husband

With all the therapists in oyibo land, they still churn out more divorces than we will have in next ten years.
Ask your husband why he married you abeg initio. Whether it was to do genuflection to him all day long, kiss his arse daily, or to be his companion. Ask him face to face. Tell him he's destroying the union with his archaic attitude.
Yes a wife should respect her husband at all times but, once there is love and understanding, somethings don't reek of such evil. Or did he marry a robot to respect and greet him all times?
Another is check your self. I don't always subscribe to that school of thought that the man is always wrong at home. Most reactions of men are basically reactions from salient actions of the wife. Many women drive their husbands crazy, but the guys just pretend all is well at home only to seek succurr outside. Non is good. So try to be what you expect him to be.
Have a happy married life.

Jimbadly:
If he was like this when both of you started dating and you still went ahead and married him, well then I'm afraid you'll have to put up with his attitude for life. That is why dating prior to marriage is vital to know whom you're settling down with. It's obvious both of you are incompatible. You can keep trying to change him though. It'll take a lot of hard work and effort.

I have a feeling his background is responsible for his attitude. Perhaps he comes from a family where a lot of emphasis is placed on maximum respect. He might be one of the guys who believe that giving a woman too much latitude breeds contempt and lack of respect in the long run. In that case it'll be extremely difficult to change his ingrained mindset.

The way I see it, you have absolutely no reason to be unhappy in the marriage. As long as he's faithful and fulfils his responsibilities as a husband, then there's absolutely no reason for you to be depressed.

Jimmy, why would say this? The lady just wrote that her husband,who is supposed to be her best friend and confidant ,would rather play the role of her fore-ancestor. How's she supposed to find happiness with him? Happiness is waking up in the morning, looking at the person sleeping beside you, planting a long kiss on his lips and saying 'hallos' sleepy head. Not the good morning daddy shiit! I kinda have an idea of what she's going thru cos I once dated a guy almost 8yrs older. Guy was happy to be my 'baby' when it pleases him but my daddy most of the time. We couldn't make it of course, it was a century too late for that.


By the way OP, thank you for taking him off the shelf. May God help you.

placeofallure:
Well, I've been married for about the same time as you are. When I first read your story, I wanted to ask if you dated at all but on reading the comments, then your response, asking won't be necessary anymore.

Now dear, this is a situation you have to manage well to be able to keep your home. It's obvious you had little time to check compatibility. You have to endure pending the time you see a therapist but before then, give him everything he wants, I mean EVERYTHING. He wants respect, he gets it, He does not want to be touched, so be it. I'm sure he's not making some unreasonable demands of you otherwise you'd have told us.

The only little 'ish' I see here is your hubby not confiding in you. You should work more on earning his trust. Really it's a slap that he prefers his mum or sis to you. Don't fret over it just talk with him more, have little or no arguments, act the fool at times. I hate divorces. Then except in absolute helpless situations, don't discuss your marital issues with outsiders, your mum and his mum are classified outsiders, how much less others.

The marriage is still young, I know you'll come around. You forgot to tell us whether you work or not. I want to tell you to ensure you get another life outside marriage. Let your mind be occupied with stuff. You said he is a financial pillar for you but my dear, get busy too. If I were married to a Dangote I'll still be my workaholic self. That way you'll have less time to worry about trivial things. If you don't work presently just engage in some activities that will make you happy. I wish your marriage the best.

It's always clear when a married woman advises than all these single wannabe marriage counselors !!! I couldn't have said this better.

Poster -

Your case follows the adage of wanting to eat your cake and still have it !

You are the modern feminist and yet you want the traditional values of a husband ! Choose one aunty! Either you are independent classy modern woman who demonstrates that she is equal to her husband or you are the humble achiever who chooses to be submissive even though she is equal to him. The western world you are all emulating, please can you count how many successful marriages they have over there? Be wise !

Where to begin?

You married this man without due diligence. You did not know him, I mean really know him prior to marriage, and I know there are some things you can only find out after marriage but if you had taken your time to know him then you would have made an informed decision. Since the deed is done and you have a child now (you were pregnant when you married), your choice is either to work on yourself thereby helping your marriage or get out, don't look back, just leave. It really is your call cos you are the one in the marriage.

I won't blame OP some men are actually like this, God will never make me boring like this or a respect freak, I hate when people show too much formal greetings, sorry op I have no advice for you, am not matured enough but I will learn from this sha. This is sad

You argue with him all the time, you find it difficult to greet him in the morning and when he comes back from work, you even hang out without him (no wonder you didn't even know when his mum came, only saw when she was leaving) and you expect him to worship you?? Nah, it doesn't work that way. I guess the age difference could be wide too and you want him to play like a teenager?

You din't mention wether you guys has kids most especialy his love sex.

Iphesure212:
This is hurting. You should try seeing a therapist and have someone close to talk it out with. To unburden your heart and improve your relationship with ur husband

My dear,ur case is the same as mine now and I know what u r passing thru!.5 yrs in marriage,3 children,no communication with hubby,we live in d same house,no gistin,no sex for 5months,always silient treatment and malice.infact I jst tire.I am unemployed bt still seachin for a job even with my 2.1 in law.I pray God help u and May he also help me!amen

LuvU2:
Why did u marry him!

Good question o

I really think you should stop apologising after every argument. I sincerely think you should avoid the argument. If he likes to be greeted, greet him. Morning afternoon and night, nothing spoil. Dont be toooo expectant of your husband, they always disappoint. Put your hope and expectation in God. If he starts an argument, try to hold yourself and dont talk much, this does not mean you agree with him, it means you want peace to reign. Have time for yourself, do something you love. Listen to music, if you like use earphones, read a book, start some excercise, bake a cake. Do simple things to spice up YOUR life. My dear, happiness is within you find it. Look at the good things in your life. I know that feeling... I later realised that the things I attached so much meaning to, did not mean anything to him. Wishing you the best.

@ Babztemmy: I understand the type of friendship n closeness u desire from ur hubby. To be truthful to u. It will not be possible. There are some men that a woman is for sex and procreation. They do not need ur friendship. Ur obedience n unquestionable loyalty is all that is required. U will be taken care of to their satisfaction not to urs as long as u do not complain. If u expect him to change that will never happen. His parents n siblings are regarded higher. U will not be consulted for advice, ur suggestions are not required. If u can take it fine if u cant too bad. If u want to leave be ready to drop ur children. As u came so will u leave. The choice is urs. U ve started if u can endure stay on if u can't it is not too late.

just like others have said, I believe that this started even before you got married. closeness before marriage is what signifies the "peace and rest" you must have to be able to know you are meant for each other. How his attitude affects you, his words, character etc, do they bring you closer to him and give you restful mind or you just adjust to them?

Anyway, I'll advice you to give him what he wants. That's the foundational character he grew up with which will change only if he's ready to see it. Does He wants respect? give him much more than he demands but pls don't be afraid of him.

just like others have said, I believe that this started even before you got married. closeness before marriage is what signifies the "peace and rest" you must have to be able to know you are meant for each other. How his attitude affects you, his words, character etc, do they bring you closer to him and give you restful mind or you just adjust to them?

Anyway, I'll advice you to give him what he wants. That's the foundational character he grew up with which will change only if he's ready to see it. Does He wants respect? give him much more than he demands and let your family move forward but pls don't be afraid of him instead love him

obiorathesubtle:
I'd rather suck my own dick than read that entire poppycock story.

common bru! Be nice for the sake of motherhood pls.

am a man and am talking as one...every man should jst grow up and make meaning out of their marriage..this man wants to be worshipped, but its never possible.

No one here really knows the real history of your marraige or how you two live or if you did something that made him behavior this way. A real man always tries to resolve problems in his relationship.

His behavior shows he doesn't love and trust you. A man who loves his wife won't treat her the way yours treats you. Unless you did something bad.

Call him for a serious meeting, to discuss this problem. Let him know how it makes you feel and demand an explanation for his behavior.

If you try everything you can to fix your marraige but fail, then it's time to divorce him. If you two can't resolve the problem, there's absolutely no reason to be in an unhappy marraige!

You'll be better off leaving a failed marraige than to be in one!

Good luck.

[b][/b][color=#990000][/color] YOUR HUBBY IS A DIFFICULT MAN.
SHIKENA

He loves you to want to have a child with you, he loves you to have married you. The man you describe would not have married you if he felt like this before marriage. Thought about that? What he saw faded or what he endured out of 'niceness' turned into what he could not longer stomach. I am not on his side but if you love him, have you pretended at least. I can't understand you not greeting him when you are upset. Greet him. I greet my enemies talkless of my husband. Love is overrated, be nice to each other - he is not reading though - but it has to start with someone and in the end, you will likely regain your rhythm.

You may have hurt him in more ways than you understand. You need to know that people's expectations of marriage vary greatly. Do not mind people asking you whether you dated or not. Our parents did not date often before marriage but their marriages lasted untill their death.

Your seeking for opinions here is good for you. But you can pack a lot of rubbish into your house if you are not careful.

Ok for a solution.

Discipline yourself, wear discipline like a cloth. Make it a point of duty to greet him every greeting time. If you forget, apologise and greet him. On misunderstandings, I understand you are not his slave but forget it and remove the matter from your heart if it does not affect you. If it does affect you, tell him how and explain it until he understands. Do not argue. You are going somewhere...

Look out for him. Food preferences - you probably eat what you like, so give him what he likes too from your department. Clothes and shoes. I do not know what your setup is but ensure he is ready when he wants to be ready. You are not serving him, you are showing him that you want him.

Watch him. Watch for any atom of appreciation as a sign you are getting close else it is a lost case.

If he appreciates, see how long you can hold on while making demands now that he kiss you as a thank you, soften up and say he loves you that you want to hear it - explain why you have a different opinion to the expression of love. Use this opportunity to ask him what went wrong, listen.

People may think am asking you to dumb down and put yourself at risk, but if you love him and this can give you an insight then I think you better do it.

If you treat him nice and he starts responding the way you want, you are now respecting him and he is now loving you, which is what you wanted originally. Only, you want it without understanding his queer demands.

After that judge for yourself whether the end justifies the means, or if it is worth it. You got to stay like that for life if it worked. If it works and he eats out of your hands, I think it is worth it.