Hello everyone,

I have been seeing a Nigerian guy as of recent, who told me fairly early in the relationship that he is married for papers to someone else. They are not living together, in fact, they both live in different countries, and once every few months they need to visit eachother in order to do the necessary with immigration etc.  The fact remains that they have/had a real relationship and do sleep together when that happens. She's in love with him, and he claims he's "showing her love" for the sake of his papers and will continue to do so as long as needed to get what he wants.
He realizes the difficult position he's put me in but has no alternative at the moment.

Needless to say that this situation is confusing me and I am not sure how to deal with it. Are there any ladies out there who have had similar experiences?  Or other valuable comments from anyone?

I dont think you need anyones advice you already know what to do because of your instincts. Is he in the UK? I hope you know they have changed their laws now and since the wife is in love, she will probably blackmail him. Are you sure you want to get yourself in this sticky situation?

Th reality people will always resort to desperate measures when they are up against the tides of life, we know of women in naija who will gladly sleep their way to meeting targets for their bank, or those who will sleep with lecturers just to get the degree. Equally immigrants who do not have the requisite documents to work or live in western nations will resort to any means just to regularise their stay.
That he married for paper is something that has been happening since God knows when, people have done it and once they get the pali, they fashe the woman/man kia kia, infact some only ever get hitched on paper wihtout ever consumating the relationship while still living their gf or wife.
So poster, the story is not strange,

[color=#006600][/color] hey now, when i met my partner he was married (for papers). i don't know how i feel about that type of marriage seems sad to me.
he told me about it up front. i told him that i liked him but was not about to see a married man, i am no mistress. we became friends but not romantic after a few months he decided to divorce her. they were separated for a few months , he doesn't speak to her got his papers the same month the divorce was finalized we are together time passed we have a child

i would be upset about sharing my bed with another woman, its not right for anyone  she most likely has no idea that you exist, its not right. if he had respect for you both he would be honest with you and her. and just keep it in his pants
sorry girly
peace be with you

debest1 we know that the story is not stange what advice do u have for her

Stella N:

debest1 we know that the story is not stange what advice do u have for her

None whatsoever, its her call, if she wants to hang on in the hope that the other woman's love fizzles out then good luck to her, but at the end of the day if the guy is not keen on the woman helping him with the papers he aint gonna stay with her. All in all the woman must decide if she really wants to get involved or just move on and find someone with no baggage

its real that some guys date married women for the papers but some guys are now using that same reason for unfaithfulness. you can be with him but don't let t get into your head in case he disappoints you, it will not break you down.

@ Ebonyeyes: he's not in the UK. For privacy reasons I do not want to get into details regarding the country he's living in, but the law should not be too different. He says he should be married for at least a year and could then file for divorce.

@ Debest: I know the story is definitely not strange. I just need to sort out how I really feel about all this and whether indeed I want to hang on or not. He is indeed not keen on the woman he got married to, but it was his last resort of being able to stay in Europe. He does not feel particularly well with the situation either, but says that in a way he's glad he met me AFTER the time he was in a desperate situation, because had I been the one he met at the time, I would never be sure if he really liked me or needed me for the papers, whereas now I should be sure about his feelings for me.

@ Anabel: I see your point about unfaithfullness, although I don't think that this is the case here. He sees "his wife" every few months for a couple of days only, so it can't be called a real relationship in the first place.

@ Tutuola: you're right. I am not thrilled by the fact that he is sleeping with her when she comes over, to say the least. You're also right by saying that he should be honest with both of us, but as he's afraid of losing whatever he has achieved so far paperwise, he just can't tell her what's going on or that would really endanger his situation.

My dear he could be lying to tell you just what you want to hear . Anyhoo follow your instincts because it never lies.

Can't you name a lie when you see one?

Are you referring to me demystify ?

He said he's married. About what else could he be lying? I know she's living in a different country and that he's not regularly seeing her, so that's not the lie. He also told me that he is sleeping with her when she does come over, so he didn't picture that nicer than it really is either. I know he lies to her, just because there is too much at stake for him, which I can understand (even though it's not easy to deal with heartwise).
Or you people think that he might be married for keepers and lies to me as an excuse for being unfaithful towards her? I'm not sure why he would be doing that as there are no intentions for them to be living in the same country any time soon.
Anyway, every comment is appreciated as it helps to see things from a different angle. Sometimes we do not see the trees through the forest when you're too deeply involved in a situation.

well it depends on how long you have been seeing him and how long he has left for the whole paper issue

Dejavu!! This is by far one of the oldest tricks in the book. Talking about having your cake and eating it too. I have come across women in this same situation countless times and it always ends up the same way, In heartbeak! The good old," i'm doing it for papers line". Listen up girl! A man dubious and heartless enough to string another woman on just to get his papers is not to be trusted. Such a man is capable of doing anything to achieve his goals regardless of the hearts that will inevitably be broken in this quest.

He may be stringing you along. He might even be using both of you with a third woman waiting somewhere. I hope you realise that only a very small of married men involved in extra-marital affairs actually leave their wives.

Give him an ultimatum to make up his mind or do the right thing and leave someone elses husband alone. remember what goes around, comes around.

I wish you all the best


Doctor Lovebug

http://www.doctorlovebug.co.uk - Nigerian Dating and Relationship Advice

sweetmadam:

I hope you realise that only a very small of married men involved in extra-marital affairs actually leave their wives.

I do realize that. On the other hand, there are countless stories on here of women who have been left by their Nigerian husband after he got the papers OR white women on here are being warned for being used for papers only.

I agree with you though that it's not "done".

r231:

well it depends on how long you have been seeing him and how long he has left for the whole paper issue

I met him in August and he's been married since April, so still some time to go.

What would be the foundation of your relationship hun? Men especially married men lie through their teeth to get extra kitty.

Raindream:

I met him in August and he's been married since April, so still some time to go.

really if you love him and you think that u can hang in there till nxt Arpil/May and see what happens or what do u think cus  u r d one dealing with him and u probably knw him beta

sweetmadam:


Give him an ultimatum to make up his mind

I don't think giving an ultimatum would help in this respect. As long as he doesn't have the necessary papers, he will not take the risk.
I feel like I've been asking him tons of questions already, and it looks like there are many many more to ask. Any suggestions as to what would be the right ones to ask in order to find out how genuine he is towards me ?
He often asks me what it is I want him to do to solve the problem, but I honestly don't know what to answer.

It is a difficult call for you, torn between love and moral issues
if it hurts your heart so then take your self away from this situation. if he loves you he should understand.
it seems to bother you sharing this fellow, in the physical sense.
think about it if he is doing this to his wife, with you, there isn't much to say he wont turn around do the same to you as well, heart break, put yourself in his wife's shoes she has the right to dump him he his breaking the vows they said to each other. just think about it, its a lot easier to break the rules that you have already broken in the past,

i hope the best for you

If he lies to her, what makes you think he isn't lying to you? All I have to say is stay very conscious of your surroundings!

Raindream,Do not be deterred ! Just be patient,if you are not too old or in a hurry,just see the situation as another form of courtship.He has been upfront with you and dont mind what the detractors are saying.Give him the benefit of doubt and before you know it,he will get his papers,divorce her and come and marry you.This is nothing strange,things like this has been happening and will continue to happen till the end of time.It is to better our prospects in the u.k. But along the way,if you find somebody else worthwhile,you MAY consider that option,but dont leave him just because of that.I will not(& dont think others will) abandon regularising papers for a girl,that may leave anytime !