preciousuweh:
Nothing is more painful than your neighbor having light and you don't.

lol exactly

A Nigerian Tourist Akpos went on a trip to
China.
While in China, Akpos was sexually
promiscuous and didn't use condom at all.
A week after arriving back home, he woke
up one morning to find his joystick covered
with bright green and purple spots.
In shock, he rushed to see a consultant at
the National Hospital Abuja.
The doctor, never having seen anything like
that before, ordered some tests and told
Akpos to come back in two days for the
results.
Akpos returned, the doctor said;
I've got bad news for you. You've
contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here. We know very little
about it.
Akpos looked a little perplexed and said;
Well, give me a shot or something and fix
me up, doc.
The doctor replied; I'm sorry, there's no
known cure. We have to amputate your
joystick.
Akpos screamed in horror, AMPU! WHAT? I
want a second opinion
please doc.
The doctor replied; Well, it's your choice. Go
ahead if you want,
but surgery is your only choice.
The next day, Akpos seeked out a Chinese
doctor, figuring that he'll know more about
the disease.
The Chinese doctor examined his joystick and
proclaimed: Aha, yes, Mongolian VD. Very
lare disease".
Akpos said; Yes, yes, I already know that,
but what can we do? My doctor wants to
operate and
amputate my joystick?.
The Chinese doctor shaked his head and
laughed: Silly docta, always want to opelate.
Make
more money, that way. No need to opelate.
"Oh, Thank God!", Akpos replied in relief.
"Yes", said the Chinese doctor, "You no
worry! Wait another couple of weeks. joystick
fall off by itself!.
Akpos fainted!.

Police Men were chasing a thief Akpos that escaped from prison at night. 

Akpos ran into a nearby cemetry, stripped Unclad and sat on a grave.

When the police got there, they asked; Did you see anybody that ran pass you?.

Akpos replied; No. I'm a visitor. I was buried yesterday. The heat is too much inside my grave. I came outside to receive fresh air.

The police men took to their heels.

As a Man lost his cheque booklet, He decided
to go to the bank after 2 days to report. Here
is
the conversation between him
and the bank manager.
Bank manager : But I
warned you to be careful with
your cheque book because anyone can forge
your signature.
Man: I am not a fool, I have already signed all
the
cheques, so they won't have space to forge
my signature!

Cant stop laffin
Some movie producers went to use
someone's house to shoot a movie scene. They
needed
someone to act the role of a gate man so they
offered the
Aboki at the house some money to act the
role. The
director gave the Aboki a cutlass and told him
to give a
pretense chase after the star actor who was
acting the
role of a thief. "If you hear me say "action"
make you
run after am o, just do as I say... you hear?"
The Aboki
nodded in affirmation. Na so Director shout
"action", and
the star actor took off and aboki began to
pursue him
round the compound, as dem dey reach fence
na so
director shouted "cut, cut, cut"!
Ol'boy!!!!! Star actor still dey Igbobi ooo!

Akpos was selling Gala Sausage roll at Oshodi.
A man in a car stopped, bought a Gala from Akpos and did not pay him his money.
Akpos chased the man's car from Oshodi to his house in Victoria Island. He got to his house before him.

Akpos boarded a bus going to Asaba.
Sitting next to him was a Church sister coming back from an All Night.
As they proceeded Akpos smiled and stared at the church sister lustfully.
The Church Sister immediately in
retaliation said; With your lustfulness you won't get to heaven.
Akpos furiously jumped up and gave the conductor a hot slap.
The Conductor in shock asked; What's that for?.
Akpos shouted; You are a liar and a thief. Why didn't you tell me this bus was going to heaven and not Asaba.

TWO GIRLS CHATTING IN A TAXI:
1st Girl: What kind of man would you want to have?.
2nd Girl: A billionaire!.
1st Girl: What if he has less money to a billion.
2nd Girl: Even if he has a million it's ok.
1st Girl: If not?
2nd Girl: Even if he has 500,000 Naira it's okay not bad.
Akpos who sat behind said; When she reaches 500 Naira please wake me up.

Chinese couple living in Lagos gave
birth to a black baby . In anger, husband
asked the wife......Chu! why baby black?
She replied, we live in Nigeria, no
electricity.... me hot , you hot , sex hot ....
baby burnt!

A woman and her 7 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside. The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?.” His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work.” The Taxi driver turned around and said; “Why don’t you tell him the truth?. Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money.” The Boy’s eyes got wide and asked; “Mummy is that true?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied; “Yes.!!” After a few minutes, the boy asked; “Mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?.” She replied; “Most of them become Taxi drivers.

akpors and two other men were in a van. suddenly an accident occured and they all died. wen they got to the gate of heaven, the angel at the gate told them it was a festive period in heaven so they all get one wish and it will be granted.
the first man wished he would be sent back to earth to be wit his family en it was granted
the second wished d same tin and he was also sent back to earth..
akpors was lafing all through
the third man wished d same thing en it was granted.
when it was akpors turn to wish, he just laughed and said 'bros abeg those people wen u send go earth just now, bring them back'
one word for akpors

Lmao, nice work bro

In a competition to rate the best security group in Nigeria, EFCC, ARMY and POLICE had to compete by searching for a missing RAT in the bush. 

1st The EFCC started investigation by questioning all the plants and animals in the bush. After some search in some months, they concluded there was no RAT. 

Secondly The ARMY entered the bush and within 2 days they
burnt down the bush, beat up every creatures in the bush with no apology, they also declared,
there was no RAT. 

Then The POLICE, after some days in the bush, appeared with a badly beaten RABBIT, The RABBIT was shouting; 0kay i agree. I am the RAT.

A blind man went to a restaurant . 
"Menu sir?" Asked the owner. 
"I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks.. I will
smell it & order." 
The confused owner got a fork.

The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath. 
"Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables 
"Unbelievable! " thought the owner.


The blind man ate and left.
2 weeks later, the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking.

He said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your privates!!", which she does! 
He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. 

The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says "Oh interesting..!! ! , I never knew Brenda worked here!! :
Owner fainted..

A Unclad lady who escaped from
ritualist ran into a taxi and told the driver Akpos where she was going.

Akpos did not start the car.

He was just staring at the lady. 

The lady looked at him and said; What’s your problem, driver? Haven’t you seen a Unclad lady before?.

Akpos replied; I am not looking at your unclothedness. I am just wondering where you kept the money that you are going to pay
me with.

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime.

After three neighbours houses had
been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

The next day the wife went to the
pet store and said; I need a good
guard dog.

The clerk replied; Sorry, we are all
sold out. All we have left is this
little Scottie dog. But he knows
karate.

The wife didn't believe him so he
said to the dog; Karate that chair.

The dog went up to the chair and
broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, Karate that table. The dog went up to the table and
broke it into half.

She bought the dog and took it
home to her husband Akpos who was expecting a big guard dog. 

She then told her husband Akpos that it knew karate, and Akpos said; Karate my ass.

If I were you, I would put akpors in prayers for what he is about to go through

A Young Man Akpos was lost wandering in
a forest, when he came upon a small
house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted
by an ancient Chinese man with a long,
grey beard.
"I'm lost," said Akpos. "Can you put me up
for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on
one condition. If you so much as lay a
finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon
you the 3 worst Chinese tortures known to
man."
"Ok," said Akpos, thinking that the
daughter must be pretty old as well, and
entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down
the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and
had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to Akpos since
she couldn't keep her eyes off him during
the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he
ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during the night, he could bear it no
longer, and sneaked into her room for a
night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't hear.
Near dawn he crept back to his room,
exhausted, but happy.
He woke up in the morning with the feel of
pressure on his chest.
Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on
his chest with a note on
it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock
on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If
that's the best the old man can do then I
don't have much to worry about."
He picked the rock up, walked over to the
window and threw the rock out.
As he did so he noticed another note on it
that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left
testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the
rope that was already getting close to the
end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was
better than castration, he jumped out of
the window after the rock.
As he plummeted downward he saw a
large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to
bedpost."

Akpos was riding his bicycle when a taxi
driver ran into him.
He did not sustain any injury, still yet, he
insisted to be taken to the hospital.
So the taxi driver took him to the hospital
and he was admitted into ward 5.
The taxi driver paid all the bills and
provided him with food like salad, meat,
rice, chicken, fruits etc.
On seeing this, Ofego decided to go and
stay with him for some time.
Akpos and Ofego enjoyed theirselves
through out that day.
The next day, there arose a cry.
Somebody had died in Ward 1.
There was tears and sorrow everywhere.
Akpos asked; Ofego what is the problem?.
Ofego told him that someone had died in
Ward 1.
Akpos said okay.
The second day a little boy died in Ward 2.
Doctors were confused.
Akpos did not say anything.
He just stared at Ofego.
The 3rd day an old man that greeted
Akpos that morning died in Ward 3.
Akpos asked; Ofego, i hope you are seeing
what i'm seeing?.
Ofego replied yes.
Akpos did not sleep that night.
In the middle of the night another cry
came up.
An old woman that was about to be
discharged died in Ward 4.
The whole hospital became confused.
Akpos quietly packed his
properties and woke Ofego up and said:
Ofego pack your things let us go. The way i
am seeing this thing another person is
going
to die in Ward 5 and i am not going to let
that happen.
Ofego said; But Akpos wait till morning na.
Before Ofego could finish the statement
Akpos had disappeared
from the hospital.

Akpos had only 400 Naira in his pocket. 

He went to the most expensive hotel in town and made an order of the most expensive meal they had available with the most expensive wine included. 

After the meals, the drinks and champagne, Akpos bill was N45,000. 

He told the waiter he had no money.

The hotel manager was called.

They handed Akpos to the police. 

On the way to the station Akpos gave 200 Naira to the Police and he was set free. 

This is what we call; Financial management.

A Man Akpos walked into a hotel and ordered Jollof rice and meat.

He finished eating his food and
was eating his meat when he suddenly shouted and called for the manager.

Manager: Sir, what's the problem?.

Akpos: The meat you people gave me is very hard.

Manager: But sir our meats are well cooked. There is no way it will be hard.

Akpos: Okay. Eat it yourself and tell me how it is.

Manager: [Eating the meat] But sir this meat is very soft. I don't know why you are complaining.

Akpos: Why won't it be soft? Do you know how long I have been chewing it?.

When You Want to Charge your phone In a Football Viewing centre and You Mistakenly Off The DSTV during penalty shoot out..
shey you remember when your mum always tell you that your phone will kill you one day ?.. The moment has finally come.. Just get ready to die

Random Jokes
.
1. Nations like USA and North Korea are testing ballistic missiles and Nuclear weapons. Our dear country is dragging Jollof rice supremacy with Ghana and Senegal.
Bikonu who did this to us?
.
2. Have been having chest pain since one slay queen told me "Beauty Lies In The Eyes Of The *Decoder*" Abeg Sis, which decoder
DSTV abi GOTV
Hold me abeg I no wan faint
.
3.That awkward moment When you are too single that even when you type "kissing" auto correct changes it to "kidding."...... May your story change in this 2017
.
4.People on WhatsApp that
their status has been "At the
gym" for the past 3
yrs..Please are you preparing
to destroy the world?
.
5.You will tell a guy you're single and he will be like "That can't be
TRUE"
Uncle, if you want toast, toast, don't be dragging my singleness
with me, is it your singleness??
.
6.Some boys will wake up 2am to pee and they will post "Real Hustlers Don't Sleep"
Idiot Who are You Deceiving
Don't touch me ooo, Am not feeling fine.
.
7.Some guys and their indirect insults sha. Please what is the meaning of "As I see that trouser, I just know say na you"
Wicked pple...
.
8. The reason why Nigerian women did not go to the Olympics in Brazil because they were afraid of meeting the owners of their hair!
BRAZILIAN HAIR
.
9. Disaster is when you steal meat from the pot, and you can't recall whether the spoon was on top or inside the pot.
.
10. The way some people are black in NIGERIA ehhhh ,if you shoot dem in the night...the bullet will come back to you and ask for torchlight.
.
11.When You Want to Charge your phone In a Football Viewing centre and You Mistakenly Off The DSTV during penalty shoot out..
shey you remember when your mum always tell you that your phone will kill you one day ?.. The moment has finally come.. Just get ready to die
.
12. People will be doing "is that one this,is that one that"
thats how they will do when trumpet blow,they will say "trumpet that blow and left me behind,is that one trumpet??
.
13. In Hollywood
Merlin will just say two words and a fire
breathing dragon will appear.
In Nollywood
ike mbe of amadioha shrine will recite a
whole book of incantations (280 pages)
just to off candle
Then he will tell you to bring the
following
- 8 virgin rats
- 10 married ants
- 3 pregnant mosquitoes
- 2 lesbian hens
To appease the Gods
naija i respect una hustle...

I love these jokes. Been laughing hard. Thanks dear for the compilation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=In9ui98srR0

Funny....visit this site if your love technology

Funny....visit this site if your love technology

danibliss:
Funny....visit this site if your love technology

Dan, what's up. So this your moniker. Be careful how you post links on nairaland to avoid been ban. I suggest you post all your links on your signature.

SPDAZZY:
I love these jokes. Been laughing hard. Thanks dear for the compilation.

Thanks dear, I'm happy it made you laugh hard. Don't forget to post any jokes on this thread if you have one to keep the thread moving. Thanks

Good day followers and viewers of this thread, I want to use this medium to inform you all that you are all free to post any jokes you have on this thread to keep it moving. THANKS

XAVIER

Oga Copper

A youth corper was part of the invigillators in a WAEC GCE exam holding in the school he is serving, right inside the hall when the exam was on going, one sexy gal who was wearing a very short skirt and looking gorgeous was cutting eye for the corper, giving him a seductive look, so he went straight to the gal to find out what her problem was. The corper gave the gal d solution to the mathematics question.
So, after the exam, the Corper followed d gal up to arrange of how they would meet and the gal said: do u think I’m a prostitute? All those actions I was displaying for u in the hall are fake oooo, thats my boyfriend waiting for me.. Mugu!..and she laughed!….
The Corper laughed too and said: do u think I read Mathematics? I studied Yoruba in school, all those answers I gave to you are formulated and fake!………. ..
The Girl Screamed n Fainted!!!!!!

NIGERIA….MY BELOVED COUNTRY.


• Where our mothers use ice cream bowls to store pepper in the fridge

• Where ladies don’t accept flowers for valentine or birthday.

• Where lizard go look ur eyeball, node head say “notin dey happen guy”

• Where a blind beggar will reject a fake nairanote.

• Where Groundnuts are sold in BOTTLES and WATER is sold in SATCHETS.

• Where parents claim they were always first position in school.

• Where You Can Be A Driver For Years Without A ‘DRIVER’s LICENCE’

• Where government officials don’t know the national anthem.

•Where Gala and Lacasera are d best options wen stuck in traffic.

• Where you are jailed for stealing Maggi and given a chieftancy title for stealing millions.

• Where we fight for everything. To gain admission to university, to get a job and worse still to enter a bus!

• Where u are robbed of your phone and the robbers come back for ur Pin code n charger.

• Where ur type of GENERATOR shows how RICH you are.

• Where you can easily blame your family members in the village for your problems.

• Where rich men must have pot belly.

• WHERE IF U DO ANYHOW U GO SEE ANYHOW.

• Where generator is a social amenity.

• Where people dey collect change for beggarhand.

• Where igbo men produce Toyota camry jeans and Dr’dre slippers

• Where the man who had no shoes is the president.

•Where bb torch is sold in traffic for N12k!!!!