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RANDOM JOKES


1. Donatus: My Girlfriend Birthday na tomorrow, how I fit take Surprise am..
Akpos: Introduce her to your Wife!

2. Janet asked her boyfriend ” how much do you love me ?
Johnbull : I love you so much, can’t measure…….
Janet : No just tell me….
Johnbull : Okay I am like a phone and you are my sim card, there’s no me without you……
Janet :aaaaaawww that is so romantic …….
(Johnbull says 2 himself) see this one !! What if I’m a china phone wit 3 sims ??

3. It is said that, When a naija woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she loves the most! And When a man does that..
..
…
….
The slide show begins..!!

4. All over the world, people continue to say technology impresses them. But I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food and fine girls LIVE from the Internet.

5. When people walk away from your life, call them back…and give them transport fare to make it faster.

6. Only in IBADAN you will see an ALBINO with tribal marks! Some parents are wicked…………Lol

Who wants to be a naija millionaire?

A friend of yours Ayo is on the hot seat and he needs your help 2 answer D next question which goes for N20Million.
”
”
”
”
”
”
” What’s the yoruba name for SIM CARD? Thunder Fire Person!!!!!!!!!!

Naija dictionary definitions:


1. Stupidity is when a man sleeps with countless Ladies without condoms but still carries his own clipper to the barber’s shop .

2. RACISM is when a white BB Bold 6 cost more than a black BBBold 6.

3. NEMESIS is when you submit your answer sheet with your expo inside.

4. A WITCH is that girl that eats nkwobi, fish pepper soup, shawama, suya, chicken, smirnoff, fayrous & when you take her home she says sorry I’m on my period.

5. OVERSABI is when you are eating salad with a girl & she says ‘honey, this food no done’.

6. OLODO is when you are in a plane with a guy & he says ‘honey I’m hot, can you please roll down the glass’

Pls friends REJOICE with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally…I found my S0UL MATE………the stupid haircream was under my bed!

Before an apptitude oral test, Mr Johnbull the C.R.k teacher has informed the whole class that they should go and read their bible for a test.
On that day as Mr Johnbull comes in all the pupils stand to greet him except Junior who was not in school when the announcement about a test was made
and he was trying to copy his note to meet up with wat he had missed.
The following conversation goes on during the test.
Mr Johnbull: Hav ur seats! Hav ur seats!!. Now let’s begin, no whispering and if you hear ur name just stand up, ok?!
Class: yes, uncle!.
Mr Johnbull: Paul stand up! What is the first book of the new testament?
Paul: Matthew.
Mr Johnbull: Correct! clap for him.
Mr Johnbull: ok Umaru, the first man on the earth is?
Umaru: The answere is Anobi Adam(asale tu wasalam).
Mr Johnbull: Which version of the bible did you read that?
Umaru: i used my koran when no one is ready to lend me their bible.
Mr Johnbull: Good. I luv dat.
As he was saying this, he saw junior doin something else so he calledd him to answer his question
Mr Johnbull: Who Killed Abel? Junior oya stand Up! U’r doin sumtin else when the test is goin on abi?! Ok then!
Who killed Abel?
Junior: uncle, i do not come to school sinc last week, which one be who killed abel?
Mr Johnbull: wil u keep quiet? I say wu killed Abel?
Junior: (crying) uncle abeg i will talk truth. Abel lives at our street but since dat day i talk say i will kill him if i still see him for
school the next da, I never see am… chei, No be me kil Abel oo, uncle. I know say na Paul go tell you say na me.
Mr Johnbull: oh God! Simple question, I say who killed Abel?
Junior: (stil cryin) Abel?,no be me kill abel ooo. Abel don die? Ewooooo!

Hello, Fellow Nairalanders, followers and Viewers of this thread "CHRONICLES OF JOKES", This is to inform you all that you are free to post any Jokes, Funny Memes (pictures), Funny Videos and Funny Audios here to keep the thread moving.
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preciousuweh:
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference btwn the two words "COMPLETE" and "FINISHED". Some people say there is no difference between "COMPLETE" and "FINISHED​", but there is. When you marry​ the right woman you are COMPLETE​ and when you marry​ the wrong woman,​ you are
FINISHED!​ When your wife catches​ you with another woman​ you are
COMPLETELY FINISHED​ and when your
wife​ likes shopping​ so much you are
FINISHED COMPLETELY!

LOL!
laugh don finish me complectly

Imagine, an Hurricane is heading for Ekiti State in 3 weeks..


1. First and foremost;
Prophet T.B Joshua will prophesy about the hurricane.

2. Ekiti State Governor will hold a press conference advising the people of the state to remain calm as government is working hard to see how they can tackle the situation.

3. National Emergency Management Agency (NEMA) will grant an interview on Channels TV and AIT saying that they are well trained and prepared to handle the crisis. That they are on top of the Situation.

4. The Federal Government will wait for the Hurricane to first land and wipe out Ekiti State then; – Hold a day of National Mourning and Prayers and order the flag be flown at half mast. – Visit the disaster location 4 a first hand assessment of the damage. – Visit the survivors camp and share relief material (Mosquito nets, rice and Indomie) – Set up a committee to investigate the Hurricane and see how we can prevent future hurricanes from visiting Nigeria. – Release billions of Naira (on Paper) for disaster management. – Sack the Minister of Water Resources for failing to contain the water. – Commend the State Governor, NEMA, Red Cross and other emergency services unit for their quick response.

5. The Naija Senate Will hold an emergency session and condemn the ‘Hurricane’.

6. Churches around Nigeria will hold crusades and Programmes with Titles like ‘May Hurricane wipe out your enemies’.. ‘Calming the Hurricanes in your life’.. ‘Finding the Rainbow in your Hurricane’.. e.t.c..

7. M.I Abaga will release a single about hurricanes.

8. Femi Falana (SAN) will sue F.G and Ekiti State government for their poor handling of the Hurricane.

9. A thread will be launched on NAIRALAND and be put on the frontpage and will hit over 20 pages in its first 6 hours.

9ja for life.

a class teacher in nigeria instructed his students 2 each stand up and make a short poem about thier name and what they’d like 2 do in future.
the first to start is usman, ha said..

usman; my name is usman
i will grow up and be a man
i will like to go to japan
if i can, if i can

the 2nd student is a girl named candy, she said..

candy; my name is candy
i will grow up and be a lady
and i will like 2 have a baby
if i can, if i can

and finally there is akpos, the original naija guyg, he said..

akpos; my name is akpos
i will grow up 2 be a man
to hell with japan
am going to help candy with her plan
i know i can , i know i can

Birthday SMS

Akpos got a message from his girl friend on his Bday “Message Reads” HBD Boo…LLNP, LYSM TTYL”. Akpos:s provok con called her phone” Kate wat is meaning of HBD LLNP and Those rubbish. Kate replied Haaa Akpos dont tell you are dis dumb and local? Oh My Gooosh;;, golly! You dnt even know the meaning of HBD and all dat Mtchwwww. Well, HBD Means “Happy Birthday”, LLNP means”Long Life Nd Prosperity” LYSM means “Love You So Much” and TTYL means “Talk To You Later” dumb ass.
Akpos angrily ends the call and sent her a text message 2mins later, *message reads* TFY…Kate called immediately, AKpos wat is the meaning of TFY? Akpos answered Oh! you don’t even know common TFY. After much laugh Akpos replied TFY means “Thunder Fire You:….

Akpos died and went to heaven where he met Angel Micheal ..
Akpos: “So finally I make heaven after all the rubbish wey I do for life… Thank God for God Oooh!”
Angel Micheal: “Oya come enter ya room”
Akpos: “Bros Micheal, abeg wetin dey for downstairs cos di noise na DIE”
Angel Micheal: “Na hell fire be dat
Akpos: “I fit go peep?”
Angel Micheal: “No wahala but we go lock gate by 5pm so if you no quick come back you go just stay hell fire”
…Akpos goes to peep and there he sees all the celebrities that ever lived on earth clubbing and having a lot of fun. Akpos comes back by 4pm and…”
Angel Micheal speaks: “Nice to see you back early my son you are truly a son of God”
Akpos: “For where? I come pack my load before una Lock Heaven…

Dem say boko haram don poison beans and i buy half bag for house. From di one wey i cook, i giv my dog ‘bingo’ make e first test am, 45mins lata bingo stil dey waka, I dey jolly den i eat my own. Afta i eat finish, my gateman run come tel me say bingo don die, hey! I run enta house and drink full gallon of palm oil for my belle. I dey tink my life come outside, my gateman com dey tell me say di driver wey kill bingo wan come beg me. If na u, wetin u go do di gateman?

Security Guard Application LWKMD!


Dear sir,

I am Name is Tenager, I be correct naija guy. I apply to my job of security guard to you boss in your company of ECO BANK, Delta State , Naija. I am complete to Sitted 7 examination certificate in 2003. My skool here na Okingo OBE very good. I am 29 ears to be Born of age and no wafe and no childish. My father dead long time ago and my mother is marry in BENIN REPUBLIC country there 10 years now , no sees her until now, so nobody known to help me no money and food and tea and drink.
My certificate is just sitting in home for itself, but I get passes in Mathematics, Geography, Science and all subjects but fail in English because of di jealousy of Ofuaku Albert teacher. E dey look me look of jelous because I wear expenses cloth and shoe than di teacher igbo. I here that people you want security guards to your company and I tell you I am di one of that job.
I been get experience for 2 years looking video for Rambo I, II and III. I also shot thief dead. I want to join the company of You and chase criminal and thief out with SMG of me. I can fight for SMG, arrow, spear, panga, knife, stick and stones. Me also can fight for boxing like Tyson. Please consider my aplication very careful and call me any time because me have hand telephone gism now. I am red for interview with you if you like me.
Me have no photocopy certificate because the photocopy machine there at Naija Delta shop is a long time and very old, it can mistake spelling in the certificate, that is why.I am very hornest and I didn’t steal since I born until now, I can speak English free. I have no very much to right I have end here. Please also greet your wife and childish!.


Hmmmmm, I'm still speechless.

Okon who is an illiterate was searching for a job and went to a big company to make inquiry because of the advertisement which was placed outside the company. Okon being so eager did not read the advertisement properly. He just dashed into the company and started asking for the MD. Little did he know that such a job requires someone who had been to different parts of the world.
MD: Hello young man, what can i do for you?.
Okon: Good morning sir, i came concerning the advertisement placed outside your company.

MD: I see!. I hope you know that this job requires someone who has been to various parts of the world.

Okon: Yes sir, i know.

MD: Good!. Now tell me, have you been to London?.

Okon: Yes sir, i lived there for 4 years.

MD: Wow! That’s good. How about South Africa, have you been there before?.

Okon: Yes sir, i lived there for 7 years.

MD: Incredible!. How about The United States Of America?.

Okon: I have been there sir, i lived there for 5 years.

MD: Hmm!. Then you must know alot about Geography.

Okon: Yes sir!. I have also been to Geography, i lived there for 8 years.

Two little boys stole a bag of oranges from their neighbor & decided to go to a calm place to share the loot” one of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 oranges fell out of the bag
behind the gate’ but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough in d bag .
Few minuets later A drunkard on his way from a local bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice:
“One for me, one for u. “One for me, one for u”
He immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the local priest.
“Father father pls come with me ‘come and witness God & Satan sharing corpse at the
cemetery.”
They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued:
“One for me, one for u, one for me, one for u..
Suddenly the voice stop counting and says:
“What about the two at the gate?”
Omo come see marathon ….even the priest almost pass church gate !!!shouting we are not dead yet oooooooo!

FOUR FUNNY WORDS OF WISDOM.


1. If at 40 you still de your fathers house de stryggle for fish head with your siblings. Make you sabi say ya village witch is fanning herself with ya picture.

2. Just because ee don finish for ur mouth doesnt mean our mouths are identical.

3. Just because poly dey do practical, e no means say dem get scientist o.

4. The Most Romantic word u can say to gals of nowadays is: “Send your Account Number”….

I’ve been to many countries and when its time to go to bed; I have heard “Good night my love” In Britain, “Sleep tight my love” in Australia “ “Sweet dreams my love “in America, Then I heard.. “did you lock all the doors and the windows? What about the garage and the Gate? Are the Dogs in? What of the Gateman? Did you spray the anointing oil on the doors? Was the charm hanged very well in the sitting room?”
Where am I?

Hello, Fellow Nairalanders, followers and Viewers of this thread "CHRONICLES OF JOKES", This is to inform you all that you are free to post any Jokes, Funny Memes (pictures), Funny Videos and Funny Audios here to keep the thread moving.
And don't forget to leave a comment when you visit or view the thread.

THANKS.

............I Wonder How They Are Going To Win Their Match With That Level Of Pressure Down There LOL.

preciousuweh:
............I Wonder How They Are Going To Win Their Match With That Level Of Pressure Down There LOL.

lol

preciousuweh:
4. The Most Romantic word u can say to gals of nowadays is: “Send your Account Number”….

subhanallah! Hahahahaha

Mary and Gloria after an English exam.


Mary: How was your paper Gloria?

Gloria: It was kind of hard; I didn’t know the past tense of ‘think’. I thought and thought and thought for a long time then finally wrote ‘thonk’

Mary: I guess you’re right because I wrote ‘thonk a’fter I thought 4 a while. …

Mary: Shit! And what about the past tense of ‘write’?

Gloria: I don’t know what I wrote; I think I wrote ‘written’

Mary: That one I didn’t even bother. When I saw the next number asking for the past tense of ‘go’, I just went out of the Exam Room.

Gloria: Me too, when I reached that number I couldn’t take it anymore. Those idiots gave us an exam beyond our standard!!!

Na so one day bros Johnbull, an aeroplane cleaner dey clean plane cockpit and he saw a book titled ‘ HOW TO FLY A PLANE FOR BEGINNERS ,VOL 1’ . Na im he open de first page which said, ‘to start de engine,, press de red button’ , he did so and de plane engine started.
He come dey happy wit himself and he openned de second page, it said ‘to set de plane moving, press de blue button’ , he did so and de plane start moving at an amazing speed. Na im Johnbull say ‘make i see if i go fit fly dis plane’ so e come open the third page and it said ; to let de plane fly, press de green button, he pressed it and it began to fly. Johnbull come dey jolly, e dey inside plane wey dey fly.
After about 20 minutes of flying, e come dey tire and was very satisfied . Time don reach make e try land plane so e come open the fourth page …….. Johnbull faint!!!!! the fourth page say ;

TO KNOW HOW TO LAND, PLEASE BUY VOLUME TWO AT ANY PILOT’S BOOKSHOP!!!!!

A man and his wife were arguing over sex.

Man: Sex is work!

Wife: Sex is pleasure!

Man: I don’t blame you, you don’t know what men are passing through.

Wife: All I know is that sex is pleasure whether you like it or not.

With this, the argument lasted for a long time until they decided to invite Akpors, theirhouse help to hear his own version.

Man: “Ehen… Akpors!”

Akpors: “Yes oga!”

Man: “Is sex work or pleasure?”

Akpors: “Ehmmm… Oga, sex na pleasure because if to say sex na work, you 4 don call me make I come do am”
Gbam!!

Friends On Facebook
Mary was in a traffic and signalled to a mad man; I’ve seen you somewhere, you look so familiar. The mad man laughed and said; Madam, we are Friends on Facebook. Yekpa!!

Mallam Zubir bought a #20 million bullet proof jeep. He travelled from Abuja to kano and he was acosted by armed robber. They opened fire on the vehicle and all the bullets bounced off. Mallam rained abuses on thee bandits; ”shege!, dan iska!!, dan burouba!!!”.
The armed bandits shouted that they couldnt hear him so Mallam rolled down the glass so that they could hear him….
…
…
…
…
…
He was buried Last Week

For one school wey dey naija..


Teacher: The first son of Adam was named?..

Akpos: Adamu.

Teacher: Akpos, assuming you were at a bus stop and boko-haram throws a bomb. What will you do?

Akpos: i will stop assuming…..

Teacher; what is a verb?

Akpos; a verb is a valve in a bicycle tyre

Teacher; what are u sayin?

Akpos; its a complete sentence sir

Teacher; are u mad?

Akpos; its a question sir

Teacher; dont be stupid

Akpos; its an advice sir

Teacher; stop that nonsence!

Akpos; its a command sir

Teacher; U are an idiot

Akpos; its an insult sir

Teacher; get out of my class!

Akpos; its an order sir

Teacher; oh goodness!,,, what a boy!,,,

Akpos; its an exclamation sir

Teacher; may God hav mercy on U

Akpos; its a prayer sir

…. the teacher fainted!!

Food For Thought


-The moment a gurl suddenly updates your name on her pm, she uses your pix as her display picture , she even dey kiss you via bbm, bros RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her BIS wan expire…taxing mode activated!

-You wan try long distance internet love? Note ..Ugly Girls Have the Sweetest Voice…….from my latest research

-If Apple decides to buy BlackBerry I guess it will be renamed ‘ iBB’ just like their other product iPod, iPhone,iPad

-Why is de part of de stadium where poeple SIT is called de STAND?

-Why is it dat everybody in naija wants 2 go to HEAVEN but nobody wants 2 DIE?

-If money dont grow on TREES,, why do banks have BRANCHES?

-Why does GLUE not stick to its BOTTLE?

-Why do we call it a BUILDING when its already BUILT?

-If its true dat we are here 2 HELP others,, what are others HERE for?

-If we must not DRINK and DRIVE why do bars have PARKING lots?

Naija of Old I miss you oo!


1. I miss d days when we went to school, lined up & D headmistress & teachers inspect our nails & uniform & den we match to our classrooms, U Remember na??

2. D days of Nasco Biscuit,Trebor, Iced coloured water tied in nylon we called it “lolly”

3. D days of Goody-Goody & pako Biscuit.

4. D days of ali & simbi, Mr Salami & Mrs Salami, Agbon, Edet lives in Calabar.

5. Chei, i remember those days when one naira na money, when groundnut was 5 kobo. & choco milo sweet was 5 kobo

6. The days of messing game, who is in d garden, police and thief

7. D days of mama & papa play
8. The days when we use to build houses with sand, play suwe game, tinco tinco, change U̅r style, ten ten, skipping, stop! U remember nau?

9. Those days wen we used to fly kite on streets, wen boys used to use d paint bucket cover as tire & their daddy’s hanger as d steering

10. Those days when rubber band was stock exchange.

11. The days when voltron, jimbo, power rangers, spider man was our favourite cartoon.

12. D days of limca soft drinks & choco milo advert on black and white tv and sunday rendevous by1:30pm

13. Those days when we say ‘leke leke give me white finger’.

14. Those days when eleganza pen was d best

15. D days wen we used to drink water from d tap even suck out d water if its not coming out

16. D days when NTA will show rainbow color for 30 mins then national anthem before they resume program @ 4pm

17. D days wen basket sandals, simbi nd Bata sandals were d best

18. D Days wen we all sing sandalili sandalili songs.

NOTE: If you didn't experience any of the above, then you should be calling me sir. I'm not your mate.

Teacher: “Construct a sentence using ‘Beans'”.
Musa: “My sista cooked beans for supper last night.”
Tindo: “I had soup with beans for breakfast & lunch.”
emeka: I love butter beans & baked beans.”
Akpors: “We are all human beans