1. You will cheat on your partner, you will still cheat during exams.. Your be cheetah??
2. You fix eye lashes like toothbrush, tattoo your body like vitafoam design, wear earrings like alloyrims and you want a God fearing man.. Sorry, God won’t give his saint to Devil’s saint, it doesn’t work that way.
3. Some girls will be scratching their buttocks in public as if it’s recharge card…Haba!
4. Some girls handbag be looking like ballot boxes.. as if they wanna go rig election.
5. Guys don’t put banana inside their boxers to deceive you girls, why put foam bra and foam bum bum to deceive guyz. You case is different
6. Girls and love of money shaaa!.. How can you be asking me “where is my gift? “on mother’s day?.. Are you my mother?

Nigerian Police officers at a road block …. as motorists are stuck in jam he stops a trailer
policeman : where is your permit
driver: hands in permit
policeman : do you have extinguisher.
driver : yes its there ….
policeman : light up your indicators
driver: exactly on point indicators work ….
policeman : do you have seat belt
driver : yes u can check …..
policeman : hoot a bit i hear …
driver: pipipipi
policeman turns to his fellow officer and says the man has everything let’s leave let him go.
As the motorist drives away officer shouts : is your simcard registered ?
motorist: no
officer : swine park there!. How can you drive without registering your number what if you get accident how will we identify you ….

Akpos The Hunter

Akpos decided to follow his friend Osas on a hunting trip deep in the forest of Okomu reserve in Iguobazuwa. Akpos has never gone hunting while Osas has hunted all his life. When they got to the middle of the forest, Osas told Akpos to sit by a tree and not make a sound while he checks out an antelope trail. After he got about a quarter of a mile away, Osas heard a blood-curling scream which scared away nearby antelope. He rushed back to Akpos and yelled; “I think I tell you say make you quiet?”
Akpos replied : “Shuo, I try o, I really try. When green snake waka pass my leg I nor shake body or make peem sound. When gorilla come dey breath hot and smelly smelly air for my face, I nor shake body or make shekele sound. But when two squirrel waka enter my trouser leg, one come tell the other one say, “Chei, see as this two palm kernels big like coconut, we nor go fit chop dem finish for here, so make we pluck and carry dem go home”, naim I come start to halla.

Akpos’ elder brother, Tommy, traveled to London months ago, leaving behind Akpos, their aged mom & their pet cat, Kelly. Last week Tommy called from London to know how they’re doing…
TOMMY: Hello brother how are you doing? how’s mom and how is Kelly?
AKPOS: Kelly is Dead!
TOMMY(after a pause): Akpos, bad news is not revealed in that manner. U should have started by saying something like, “Kelly fell
inside a well but neighbors are trying to rescue it”. Then when I call again U tell me, “Kelly broke it’s neck and is receiving treatment”. Then when I call again, U tell me they did their best but couldn’t save it. That’s how to break a bad news in a mature way. OK?
AKPOS: Ok bros, understood.
TOMMY: Ok, so how is Mom?
AKPOS: Bros, Mom fell inside a well, but neighbours are trying to rescue her.
(Phone cuts).Tommy has been admitted in a private hospital in London after going into coma.

Akpos enters a church n finds the priest.
Priest: How may I help you son?
Akpos: Im looking for my wife, she said she would be here but as I can see she’s not around. Now that am here, I would like to confess. Then go to the confession area
Akpos: forgive me father for I have sinned
Priest: What are your sins my son?
Akpos: The other day, I went looking for my wife at her home but she was not there. I found her sister alone, I slept with the sister.
Priest: Oh, that is sin, but at least you came to confess
Akpos: Then another day I went looking for her at her aunt’s place but she was not there, I found her cousin alone, I slept with the cousin
Priest: You know that is wrong my son
Akpos: Then the other day I went looking for her at her working place. She was not there, I found her colleague alone…
Priest interrupts: Let me guess, you slept with her colleague
Akpos: Yes father
Then there was total silence after that.
Akpos: Father?
Akpos: Fatherrr?
Still no reply
Akpos: Father are you dia??
Akpos peeps through and finds out that the priest is no longer there . He looks for him and finds him hiding.
Akpos: Why are you hiding father?
Priest (shaking with fear): I’ve just realised I’m the only one here and you came looking for your wife.

Naija Chuch

It’s only in Nigeria church that you will see the pastor be like
“God shall promote you in your offices ” (everybodywill shout Amen)
” All you politicians will win your elections “(everybody will go and give offering)
” All you gals will marry oil company workers” (everygal will shout ride on sir we hear you)
Then the pastor will be like “All this things will happen only if you pay your tithe, when you stop stealing public funds and when you stop fornication in Jesus name.. Lwkmd u won’t even hear Amen and even the politicians that wanted to give a 10 million naira offering via cheque will kokoma change it to 10,000 naira Hahahahaha Hahahahaha..
Killing sinners joy.

1. My son, if you keep spending on a woman and she never asked you if you’re saving or investing, and she keeps enjoying the attention, don’t marry her.
2. My son, a woman could be a
good wife to you, some could be a good mother to your children but if you’ve found a woman like a mother to you, your children and your family, please don’t let her go.
3. My son, don’t confine the position of your wife to the kitchen, where did you get that from? Even in our days, we had farm-lands where they worked every morning . . . that was our office.
4. My son, if I tell you that you’re the head of the house, don’t look at your pocket; look if you will see a smile on your wife’s face.
5. My son, if you want to have a long life, let your wife be in- charge of your salary, it will be difficult for her to spend it when she’s aware of the home needs and bills to pay but if it’s in your care, she will keep you asking even when all has been spent.
6. My son, don’t ever beat your woman, the pain in her body is nothing to be compared to the wound on her heart and that means you may be in trouble living with a wounded woman.
7. My son, now that you’re married, if you live a bachelor kind of life with your wife, you will soon be single again.
8. My son, in our days, we had
many wives and many children because of our large farm- lands and many harvests, there are hardly any land for farming anymore, so embrace your woman closely.
9. My son, under the cocoa tree that I did meet your mother could be your eateries and restaurants of nowadays, but remember, the closet thing we did there was to embrace each other.
10. My son, don’t be carried away when you start making more money, instead of
spending on those tiny legs that never knew how hard you worked to get it, spend it on that woman that stood by you all along.
11. My son, when I threw little stones or whistled at the window of your mother
father’s house, to call her out, it was not for sex, it was because I missed her so much.
12. My son, remember, when you say your wife has changed, there could be something you’ve stopped doing too.
13. My son, your mother rode the bicycle with me before I bought that tortoise car
outside there, any woman that won’t endure with you in your little beginning should not enjoy your riches.
14. My son, don’t compare your wife to any woman, there are ways she’s enduring you too and has she ever compared you to any man?
15. My son, there is this thing you people call feminism, well, if a woman claim to have equal right with you in the house,
divide all the bills into two equal parts, take one part and ask her to start paying the other part.

LADY: My husband just swallowed paracetamol tablet by mistake... what should I do?
DOCTOR: Give him a headache now, don't waste the medicine!

One rainy day, an old man was standing with a book for sale.
AYO came to buy the book. He bought the book for 2,000 Naira.
The old man advised, "DON'T OPEN THE LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK otherwise, you'll face problems."
AYO finished the book with great fear but didn't open the last page. But, after a week, out of curiosity, he opened the last page and he almost fainted with what he saw. This is what he saw
Selling Price: 20 Naira

Akpos was trying to get away with not paying for his electricity bill. As soon as he saw the National electric official man heading towards his house, he quickly put off the meter in his house and used a big cupboard to cover it up and hide it.
The official came, "Hello Mr. Akpos, I'm here for your electricity bill."
Akpos asked, "What do you mean? I do not have light, so I don't need to pay any electricity bill."
But I can see electric wires running through your roof." The light man said. Akpos said, "Hmmm, please come inside, I want to show you something. He led the man to his fridge and pointed to the jar of milk inside, and asked, "What is this?"
The official replied, "How can you ask me such a silly question, it's a jar of milk."
Akpos said, "Very good, now does that mean I have cows in my house?"

Akpos got to school very late on monday morning and the teacher asked "Akpos why did u come to school so late?"
Then Akpos answered "one man lost $1,000 note at the bus stop" the teacher said "ooohh! thats good of you", "seems you were helping the man look for his lost money".
Akpos answered "Nooo! I DEY CRAZE Na me stand on top of the money".

A Man missed his wife who travelled, so much that he felt the matrimonial bed was too big for just him alone. Then, he decided to sleep on the sofa, dinning chair and sometimes in the library, children's room and the Guest room. When the wife came back, she asked the maid if her husband was sleeping fine while she was away. But the maid answered: Madam, since u left, Oga has not been sleeping in u people's Bedroom, He has been sleeping around ooooooo.The woman screamed & fainted!!! see what grammar can cause...

Akpos was in front of me coming out from the church after service, and the preacher was standing at the door as usual to shake hands.
He grabbed Akpos by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Akpos replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "Am an undercover agent!"

One day Akpos was walking in the street? He met Edet who asked him what had happened to his ears as both were covered with bandages. He said "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron, and so I burnt my ears" Edet asked, "So what happened to your other ear?"
He said, "That bastard called again!"

Akpos insisted that his first child must bear his name. So on the day of naming....
Rev: Which name would you like your child to bear?
Akpos: With smiles all over his face he said, Akpos!
Rev: No! He has to bear an English name.
Akpos: Ok oh, Akposky!
Rev: Listen, your son should be named after a saint in the bible.
Akpos: Nawa oh, which kind wahala be this?? Ok oga pastor, my son will bear St. Akpostus

Akpos is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Akpos a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Akpos says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Akpos. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Akpos continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Akpos argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Akpos, "in that case I would run into town and get my Brother Ofego". This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash."

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all reclined at the dinning for a meal. The woman is beginning to feel quite uncomfortable, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes watery. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled the whistle of a moving train . Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

1. You Have Failed As A Lady If Your Stomach Is Bigger Than Your Ass.

2. My Sister don't be too proud because there shall come a day your father will exchange you with cows. Please Sit down and be humble.

3. If your girl laughs at another guys joke ,you must write down that joke and say it a month later. My brother if she doesn't laugh she is cheating.

4. A man who arouses the feeling of a woman then abandons her is like a dog that chases a vehicle ,stops when the car stops but doesn't do anything.

5. My sisters what's really wrong with you? You wont date a man who is staying with his mother, but you would rather date a man who is staying with his wife.

6. Philosophy of marriage:
At the beginning, every wife treats her husband as GOD.. Later, somehow don't know why..
alphabets get reversed.

7. Some Ladies Are now friends because They once shared a Man.

8. 5000 people follow you on Facebook. 3000 people follow you on Twitter. 4000 people follow you on Instagram. 7000 people follow you on Snap chat yet no man wants to follow you to your Father's house?My sister check your settings.

9. To the guys who snatch our girlfriends at school just because you were playing soccer, which PSL team u playing for?

10. Women already have 3-5 days of loosing blood every month.
Can't mosquitoes be considerate and focus on the men?

11. I fainted five times yesterday when she said"singing is my favorite music"

12. nobody drinks alcohol faster than someone who didn't contribute.

13. I Gave A Beggar My Last #200 And Said, "Don't Spend It On Drugs" He Replied, "Don't tell me what to do with my money"

14. Diarrhoea is like WI-FI. When you approach the toilet,the signal becomes stronger and even before you unbutton your trousers, the download is complete.

A man returned home one evening very drunk. To prevent his wife from knowing he's drunk to avoid trouble, he quickly took his 'laptop' pretending he is busy doing something on it.
His wife went close to him and asked
Wife: You are drunk again, abi?
Husband: Me drunk? You've started again oo
Wife: Then why are you typing on your brief case?

In America when someone post am cooking rice, dont know how to go about it, You will see comments like....
JENNIFER PUNS: wow that's nice...boil and wash the rice first.. .
KARLA PONDI: nice of you, sweedy
WILLIAM_SCOTCH : Bby just get your spices and other ingredients, cook the meat first or get a cornbeef or tell the chef to work it up... . .

In Nigeria....when someone post am cooking rice, dont know how to go about it, You will see comments like....
Osazuwa: U be ram o .. At your age u no sabbi cook .
Mrs Titilayo: nawa for girls nawa days o, u no dey shame to post this kind thing at ur age?? .
Ojaekomo John Olayinka : just buy enough weed & smoke , u will get the inspiration on hw 2 cook it. .
Gold la'posh : just passing oo.. .
Tosh Pokah : I just lost 60 pounds in one week, try dis berrydrops.. .
Chukuma nnonso : go tell ya mama to teach you how to cook na? .
Uche Kalu: free mtn cheat now available. 20gig for fifty naira. its real, call me on 0802218331.... .
Akpors kalu : see tolotolo like u, na fast food be your office now .
Olaide tayo : na yeye dey worry you
Odunayo tajudeen : come to my room let me teach your how to cook.. .
James Okafor: how that one take affect the price of fuel .
Makinde Ade: Any BB charger available?
Naija why na

Little Akpors told his mom: Mommy, I love daddy.
Mother: That's good, but don't be like your father.
Akpors: Why?
Mother: He has four wives.
Akpors: Don't worry mommy, I will never be like him because I will have ten.

If you have dark armpits, scrub daily for a few weeks with lemon i repeat scrub daily for a few weeks with
lemon it works. Instead of covering your armpits with emojis on Snapchat. We see you

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The Nigerian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

Right now,am charging my phone in my neighbour's room and he's already giving me sign to leave his room because his girlfriend is around.......
But NO WAY!! I'm not moving an inch,i will not allow FORNICATION to happen,over my dead body!!, especially during this Ramadan period.
if he took tramadol,that's his own cup of tea......
Am gonna guide my fone, I don't want story that touches the heart that my fone is missing!
If they can't do it in my presence then they should forget about it,cause am not leaving till my battery is FULLY CHARGED!!!

This one killed me for sure!* *During sex .....* Village girl : *You are not wearing a condom ?* Man : *Yes Why?* Village girl: *Hope you are not HIV +positive ...* Man: *No ...am not Baby* Village girl: *Good.. I don't want to get that thing again..* *Man collapsed

Rain will fall for 30min NEPA will use 4days to dry wire Wot a country

The following conversation ensued between Akpos and his wife of two-years. Wife: Sweety, how many women have you slept with after we got married? Akpos: (quiet) Wife: (10 minutes later) Sweety, I asked you a question! Akpos : Quiet, please. Wife: (15 minutes later) Are you afraid to tell me the truth? Akpos: Will you just keep quiet and let me finish counting? . One word for Akpos

Olukwu Akpors
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. AKPORS: (jumps in joy) YES!!!!
Doctor: Did you get what I just told you?
Mr. Akpors: Yes of course, do you think I’m dumb? Doctor: Then why are you so happy instead of being sad?
Mr. Akpors: It’s a thing of joy to me cos everyone says i have no brain but atleast now this proves that I have a brain….

Oga Doctor !!

A Journalist to a Doctor of a mental hospital & the following conversation ensued :
Journalist : How do you determine to admit a patient or not ?

Doctor : Well, we first fill a bathtub with water till the top.
We then give a teaspoon, a glass cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub.

Journalist : Obviously a normal person would use the Bucket because it’s bigger.

Doctor : No, you’re stupid! A normal person would pull the DRAIN PLUG! Nurse, admit this idiot in Ward 7.

Johnbull was drag to church for deliverance, due to his crazy life style by his wife.. On their way home, they were attack by armed robbers.

Robber: hey your money or your life

Johnbull(silent)…Wife(crying)
‘The robber asked again.”Give us ur money or your life”

Johnbull: oga abeg I no get any one of the two

Robber: (surprised) why?

Johnbull: At the church, they told me to give my life to Christ, and I have given it to Jesus Christ, : they also asked for my money, I gave them all . Sorry oga robber, church reach me before you ,you see say both life and money no dey to give

The Lawyer hopes you get into trouble The Doctor hopes you fall ill The police hopes you become a criminal The Coffin Maker wants you dead! Only the thief dey pray for you to make it in life. Just Imagine!