MaNyEsq:



Like my grandma would always say, son, "A leopard does not change its spots." You knew before you entered into the marriage that she's very disrespectful and mouthy and still you married her. Based on what you said, you've always been the one that break the stalemate and call her each time you quarrel. So, let it me break it down to you.

There's one of two dynamics at play here: [1] Either she is waiting for you to fold like a cheap tulip under a scorching sun as you have always done and call her back and beg or [2] she's found another man that really piques her interest. I must say that in this relationship, you laid the wrong foundation. As a man, you must maintain your integrity as the head of the household.

Aristotle once said, "you're what you repeatedly do," therefore, your falling for her tricks became a habit not an act. Truth be told, no woman trully wants a man [husband] that she can control not withstanding what she must profess openly or publicly. They want a man that they believe can always protect, provide and offer them security when the need arises. No woman wants a sissy for a husband.

When she tested you by waiting for you to cave in and be the one to call first after your arguments, you flunked the test. So, she has lost albeit the little respect she might have had for you. Women are a funny bunch...very diabolical! They never tell you directly what they mean...you always have to play a guessing game or figure them out yourself.

aptly put. thanks

yesloaded:
wit due respect sir, u are not married provided that all u said is the undiluted truth

I said just a few

luminouz:

Don't just say thanks!!!
Her piece of advice is d best I have seen so far outta d comments!!
Ur d Man!!! Man Up!!!

Yes bro, I agree

MaNyEsq:


There's one of two dynamics at play here: [1] Either she is waiting for you to fold like a cheap tulip under a scorching sun as you have always done and call her back and beg or [2] she's found another man that really piques her interest. I must say that in this relationship, you laid the wrong foundation. As a man, you must maintain your integrity as the head of the household.

Aristotle once said, "you're what you repeatedly do," therefore, your falling for her tricks became a habit not an act. Truth be told, no woman trully wants a man [husband] that she can control [/b]not withstanding what she must profess openly or publicly. They want a man that they believe can always protect, provide and offer them security when the need arises. [b]No woman wants a sissy for a husband.

When she tested you by waiting for you to cave in and be the one to call first after your arguments, you flunked the test. So, she has lost albeit the little respect she might have had for you....
.

Kapelvej ,take the bolded sentences and put them into practice if you want to have a happy and fulfilling marriage. I am talking from experience and as a woman. Even the most humble of women detest weak men. How much more, a mouthy woman. Love your woman and show her love not weakness. Learn or get strong men around you who can tutor you on how to be a man please. Mind you, never raise your hand against her. Use your mouth n actions to humble her starting from today. Give her an ultimatum and follow through. She will fall in line or take a walk.

toksbisola:
@OP; hmmm how sad. IMHO, you’re a bit too soft; (no offence) toughen up a bit as your wife have wrapped you round her little finger. There seems to be these factors missing in your marriage; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship. In theory, your wife "HAS SEEN YOU FINISH". I have said this several times, and I will say again (some of you men don't listen), there’re two important things you need to know when dealing with women viz;

1) Never ever let a woman know/sense that you love her more than she loves you. If you do you’re game. Your wife knows that, hence a possible reason for her mis-behaviour.
2) Never ever let a woman know what your weak point is as a man. If she knows it, you’re game. Your wife knows that you can’t do without being the first to call her to apologies when an argument occurs, hence another possible reason for her mis-behaviour.

The thing that upset me the most is that you saw this entire attitude in her during your courtship and you still went ahead and married her, thinking she would change right? WRONG MOVE. People even convinced you to marry her that she will change and you fell for the deceit. I suspect your wife is pretty and aside the fact of her nasty attitude and the other things you mentioned you couldn’t just end the courtship and let her go. You gave her warnings to change her attitude of which she said she would change but she deceived you and she went back to status quo and yet you still went ahead and married her; WHAT FOR?

From another angle, you have painted your wife as a monster (excuse my language) but painted yourself as an innocent person which I find hard to believe. If your wife were to come here and say her part of the story, it mostly likely would be slightly different from your version as there are always 3 sides to a story; your side, their side and the truth.

You and your wife have not spoken for a while and that’s not a healthy sign. You also mentioned that you have reported her to some family members to intervene but to no avail. You are now getting to the point where you need to ask your wife DOES SHE STIIL WANT THIS MARRIAGE? If she answers YES you know what to do but if she says NO you know what to do. No one can tell you whether to leave or stay; that’s your call entirely as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches the most.

You and your wife have set a very bad precedent for your kids. That said, one piece of advice I’ll give you about the kids is this; as they grow older and get into the dating game, endeavour (just a suggestion) to use the example of you and their mum to teach them that when they see things they are not happy with during courtship, it should be addressed immediately. If the person with the problematic attitude isn’t willing to change then they should run faster than Usain Bolt as what you know you can’t take during courtship, would only get worse (if not corrected) after marriage.


Lesson learnt to all others who are courting and hoping the relationship would lead to marriage to learn from the @ops mistake

1) Never ever marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond, (and best believe challenges would arise) the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.


Finally, try and resolve the issues you are having with your wife urgently as communication is a problem you both have. Humility on both your parts is a starting point. Get a 3rd party (which can be counselling) involved if need be as you have children and the environment is not a conducive one for them to grow up in at the moment. All the best

I rest my case

PS: @kapelvej you are welcome.

But your posts showed that you painted your wife in a bad light and you didn't mention any of your own faults. It is not possible for one to be always innocent without offending the other party. You talk as if you yourself are Mr 100% perfect and have no flaws. Listen up dude, I'm sure your wife is putting up with your fault/flaws without blowing your trumpet as loud as you’re blowing hers. If your wife were to make a list of your short-comings, it’ll be as long as my arm but yet, she manages yours and probably don’t complain so much as you’re whining about hers. The bottom-line is all about compromise.

Well, thanks for the right up. I have clearly written that in fairness to her..., this goes to show that I am not trying to paint her bad. I made it clear that she does same thing to me, and her family members both young and old, meaning that it is not about me.
... Yes you are right she is pretty

Ladies of now these days think man nah there property when they marry he cuts off everything else for her. They don't know you as a woman is the new addition to the family of the guy, just as you as the man is a new addition to hers.

Just the way every new born baby that comes into the family brings joy and honest exictment so also should your marriage. By Gods grace I have been opportuned to have extra wealthy friends and also day to day hustlers. And the mindset of women in these two categories are astonishing wide. Which made to conclude on why the wealthy always marry the wealthy and hustlers marry the hustlers.

toksbisola:

1) Never ever let a woman know/sense that you love her more than she loves you. If you do you’re game. Your wife knows that, hence a possible reason for her mis-behaviour.
2) Never ever let a woman know what your weak point is as a man. If she knows it, you’re game. Your wife knows that you can’t do without being the first to call her to apologies when an argument occurs, hence another possible reason for her mis-behaviour.
[/b]

The two points you listed are not practicable. It appears you have never 'fallen' in love before.

Love will always move you to make very visible and bold actions. In fact, the more you love the more you would want to show it. So it is not possible for a man not to demonstrate or reveal the extent of his love.

The second point is also similar to the first. The reason why it is your weak point is that you fall easily through it no matter how you want to control it. A weak point most often reveals itself naturally no matter how you want to control it.

kapelvej:
Not just remaining in the marriage that is the issue, divorce is easy, but the kids

What about the kids?

kapelvej:

just telling him the truth

kapelvej:
I said just a few

that's serious o, my prayer is that God will touch her heart. I don't like broken home.

Lexusgs430:


What about the kids?

I do not want them to suffer a broken home

Absence makes the heart grow fonder my good man, if she's moved on, great, you're free. If not, you still have a wife, it's a win win.

kapelvej:
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers

you are welcome bro

Well, I’m not married, never been married either; but I know a toxic relationship when I see one. OP it’s been over 60 days and someone that isn’t supposed to go a day without talking to you has refused to act right. Apparently fault was hers, so what do we call this? Pride or lack of flame in the marriage? Either ways both are wrong and at least there should be a little communication, even if nothing, the kids. I’d understand if she tries reaching out and talking about irrelevant stuff just so she’ll get to hear from you, at least you’d know she misses you and is remorseful. But nothing at all for the past 2 months? Lol. Bro, Give her an extra month to own up to her mess, *DONOT* pick up your phone to call and apologize for her mess.. If the apology isn’t forthcoming, please divorce her silly ass, excuse my language. Your sanity over some lady that doesn’t care about you. I don’t know what it is that’s going on but you cannot keep going around in circles, same thing over and over, disrespect, flirting et al. I believe you’re still a young Man, who has over 40 years to live on earth, would you wanna shorten that cos of some bitter 6 years of marriage or cos you’re trying t fix a broken glass? You’re gonna get hurt if you’re not careful, that’s how it always ends... If she eventually comes back, please sit her butt down and talk to her, if she persist with the silly behavior, kick her out and rebuild your sanity, I’m pretty sure you’d meet younger and prettier ladies on the long run, your kids will be just fine.. Ignore that ‘Broken home’ crap, if you take good care of your kids, they won’t feel shit. I am sure they’ll grow up to know who the villian is.. The ball is in your court though, my 2 cents... May the force be with you

CaptJeffry:
"I explained this to the elders of the church, but they said she will change after the marriage"

Why not go meet the church elders who advised you to marry her with all the red signs you saw? Why come to Nairaland now?

Mr. Man, respect yourself oo.

you are still lashing me on top of this wahala

luminouz:

Don't just say thanks!!!
Her piece of advice is d best I have seen so far outta d comments!!
Ur d Man!!! Man Up!!!

please which of the advice, please i am trying to compile all of them

EgunMogaji:
OP, it's perfectly normal.

Just carry your cross. Buy her flowers, wash her panties before she asks you to. Anytime she barks at you, make sure you don't make eye contact, reduce your height, look down sheepishly and profusely apologize. Do this especially if she's in the wrong. But deep inside you know she can't possibly be wrong. You are the one that didn't anticipate what a woman goes through. It's your fault. All of it.

Make sure you fill up the gas tank in her car on Fridays when she goes out with "friends". Of course, you must have detailed it beforehand.

You can ask your Imam/Pastor/Ifa Priest to intervene in case the above is not enough.

+++++++++++

I hope this answer pacifies my collared male fans from the other thread as well as the feminist agitators from the same thread.

evil

MaNyEsq:


I can connect with you via email. What's your email?

lisbonatartuk@yahoo.com

Teddyhoncho:
Well, I’m not married, never been married either; but I know a toxic relationship when I see one. OP it’s been over 60 days and someone that isn’t supposed to go a day without talking to you has refused to act right. Apparently fault was hers, so what do we call this? Pride or lack of flame in the marriage? Either ways both are wrong and at least there should be a little communication, even if nothing, the kids. I’d understand if she tries reaching out and talking about irrelevant stuff just so she’ll get to hear from you, at least you’d know she misses you and is remorseful. But nothing at all for the past 2 months? Lol. Bro, Give her an extra month to own up to her mess, *DONOT* pick up your phone to call and apologize for her mess.. If the apology isn’t forthcoming, please divorce her silly ass, excuse my language. Your sanity over some lady that doesn’t care about you. I don’t know what it is that’s going on but you cannot keep going around in circles, same thing over and over, disrespect, flirting et al. I believe you’re still a young Man, who has over 40 years to live on earth, would you wanna shorten that cos of some bitter 6 years of marriage or cos you’re trying t fix a broken glass? You’re gonna get hurt if you’re not careful, that’s how it always ends... If she eventually comes back, please sit her butt down and talk to her, if she persist with the silly behavior, kick her out and rebuild your sanity, I’m pretty sure you’d meet younger and prettier ladies on the long run, your kids will be just fine.. Ignore that ‘Broken home’ crap, if you take good care of your kids, they won’t feel shit. I am sure they’ll grow up to know who the villian is.. The ball is in your court though, my 2 cents... May the force be with you

Sebi you see why you never marry now? Marriage is not a battlefield. The OP obviously miss his wife with all her troubles and obvious lack of love and respect. There is always a captain in a ship, his wife is unfortunately the captain here. Let the young man go back on board and continue to sail this marriage ship until he falls out of love or she falls in love and respect with him. Hallelujah Geskia!

platinumricky:
This particular post made me speechless for a while! If only you could turn back the hands of time. In my opinion, the current state of your marriage is the cumulative effect of numerous factors which came into play from the beginning. People don't change their key attributes during marriages, i wish you didn't listen to those so-called church elders. You sound like a super submissive male - i could sense this from your initial write-up.
Your mistakes are in this order; Ignoring the initial red flags during courtship, hoping things would change after marriage after being deceived by the 'elders', Failing to learn when to apply punishments & rewards (U were rewarding her negative actions/behavior by always rushing to reconcile, Irrespective of the fact that she was the offending party, it's like buying ice-cream for an unruly child after throwing tantrums, the resulting amplification will be much), Always allowing her to assert her dominance (women DON'T respect men they can always control, Have u ever wondered why the bad guys always get the hot girls), You broke a cardinal rule: NEVER EVER LET A WOMAN KNOW THAT YOU LOVE HER EXTREMELY AND YOU CAN'T DO WITHOUT HER (she will inevitably start taking chances and start taking you for granted, because afterall.. You are a conquered territory! Have u seen politicians campaigning after winning elections?), By being as predictable as a clock consistently - u always complain about her and fail to take harsh actions... and u always seem to come back begging inevitably (this makes u look ridiculously weak and pathetic). Ignore her for the mean time and stand your ground... Don't be a whimp! In 6 months, ask her if she's still interested in the marriage and don't hesitate to file for a divorce if the need arises. You deserve better!!!

hmmm, deep words

Lexusgs430:


What about the kids?

Abi you too dey give bad advice? Respect your old age oga!

Orecle:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder my good man, if she's moved on, great, you're free. If not, you still have a wife, it's a win win.

Abi, he should just ask her point blank ba?

tradepunter:
Bro take heart, I just annul my court marriage with fiance since we never carried out traditional rights and never soliminze it in church. This was due to my family kicking against it due to her background after investigation.

She is a true master of mind games.. But I thank God for the power and grace to resist and realize the potential damage she would have caused between me and my family relationship.

When parents don't approve a union and the lady starts pushing you to go ahead so as to prove your self as a man and love for her, then you must pack your bags and run.

During the whole drama was when her true colors came out, never for one day during the entire misunderstanding did I use insulting words or degrading words. But she did use to the fullest and always put it down to anger saying she would change.

When its done once twice, three times then it spells doom. I told myself this is her true color when things are rosy she's cool, but when chellenegs comes she's in beast mode. She displayed similar traits during the 2year period we dated.

She opened a pandorox box even before we concluded the marriage rights and this box can't be closed. Since the day I annulled the court wedding she deceived me to do, everyone I know tells me I look way happier, lively and energetic.

Please guys no girls love will never surpass that of your family, this thing called love can seriously wreck you cuz you think you can't do without the person. My advice is keep hustling and give to people in need, marriage is not the ultimate end game. When God is ready for you he will send you a help mate not a curse mate, a waste mate, a selfish mate, self centered mate.

God bless you

amansi:
Bro you need God's divine intervention on this.

Thanks

ayobarmy:
@Op It's either she had already Moved on as u Are thinking, or she is just Being stubborn as always, but my candid advise is this... 1, Don't Make that mistake of Being the first to call her after every misunderstanding Again...... 2, She has not moved on to anywhere, a woman that disrespect everyone including her Mother, Needs to be thought a little lesson,... She is simply waiting for the day u will make that call again, but if u really love her and want her to change, just pretend as if nothing happened at home and move on with your life, thank God u are working in another City, u can be calling your children if they already started using phones, but if no, never mind am very sure they are in safe hands.......

Pls never try to flirt with another woman as suggested by some guys here, as that may cause u another problem you will forever regret..... If i found myself in your shoes, i will only walk into a joint after everyday's work, eat any nice food my salary can carry and crown it with 2bottles of chilled life, Walk home and sleep like a baby, and on weekends i will be in the viewing center watch all the matches(free) and walk home at night to prepare for monday.....

It's only taking her this long to call u because she is busy, don't worry brother, she is missing you too but just being stubborn, maintain your lane and see her call you one day.... "Lean on me no be press me die ooooo"

lean on me nor be press me die

Due to the poor foundation you laid, and because the potential was always in her character, your wife does not respect you, and sadly, I believe it is too late now; she probably never will. There is a fine line between marital love and submission; and you have been doing the latter for 6 years.

What complicates matters is that she seems to have a huge ego, this selfish view that her desires must always be fulfilled, and she must always have her way. Because of that, she will never think about the effects of a broken marriage on the children, since it will not affect her directly. Appealing to the elders or her family will only confirm her opinion of you as a despised weak man...and you will gain nothing from them anyway.

My advice is, let her do as she likes, maintain the barest minimum contact, making sure that she understands that you are only there for the kids, and because divorce is not permitted according to your beliefs. Wait until the kids are old enough to understand the issues, then find a means to divorce her, so you can find a happier life with someone else. Life is too short to waste on egoistic narcissists; you deserve a happy marriage...everybody does.

Good luck, and make sure you never repeat the same mistake if you do remarry.

Farmerforlife:
Due to the poor foundation you laid, and because the potential was always in her character, your wife does not respect you, and sadly, I believe it is too late now; she probably never will. There is a fine line between marital love and submission; and you have been doing the latter for 6 years.

What complicates matters is that she seems to have a huge ego, this selfish view that her desires must always be fulfilled, and she must always have her way. Because of that, she will never think about the effects of a broken marriage on the children, since it will not affect her directly. Appealing to the elders or her family will only confirm her opinion of you as a despised weak man...and you will gain nothing from them anyway.

My advice is, let her do as she likes, maintain the barest minimum contact, making sure that she understands that you are only there for the kids, and because divorce is not permitted according to your beliefs. Wait until the kids are old enough to understand the issues, then find a means to divorce her, so you can find a happier life with someone else. Life is too short to waste on egoistic narcissists; you deserve a happy marriage...everybody does.

Good luck, and make sure you never repeat the same mistake if you do remarry.

Thanks , with tears on my eyes, very emotional and inspirational . thank you so much. you captured it all

sisisioge:


Abi you too dey give bad advice? Respect your old age oga!

Once pickins don enter, the dimensions dey change......... Abi Aunty, you go leave pickins and waka?

Lexusgs430:


Once pickins don enter, the dimensions dey change......... Abi Aunty, you go leave pickins and waka?

Leave fia!

sisisioge:


Sebi you see why you never marry now? Marriage is not a battlefield. The OP obviously miss his wife with all her troubles and obvious lack of love and respect. There is always a captain in a ship, his wife is unfortunately the captain here. Let the young man go back on board and continue to sail this marriage ship until he falls out of love or she falls in love and respect with him. Hallelujah Geskia!

Well what do I know? OP is the one wearing the shoes, so he knows where it hurts..

I can’t stand womanly man. Go grow some balls

HoodBillionaire:
im praying to God to remove the spirit of lust from me.
my last girl i fated her for 2months
she dsnt get satisfied
lazy
pretends
tells lies
phone rings
itz 2days nw she ddnt call or say thank u .if i ask.she will say hw much did i give her.
well ive moved on since on tuesday.
blocked all her nos
deleted and moved on.
i need aoeone who is a working class
i will neva date a jobless poor girl
who has no vision.mission
wen u r too nice .dey take u for granted.
my former gal of 4yrs.
at age 32 shes nt atill married
she stil dey form young.
weneva i place a curse
its evalasting.
she wilk only get married in the grave

as for d one dah neva showed me appreciation.
ritualists go use her organs.
very simple
sex is nothing

to marry i no dey interested
marriage in naija is like nepa

kapelvej:
Hello all, I will try and make this simple.We have been married for 6 years and two children, unfortunately there have been very few times we have enjoyed peace, I have done everything I could to make her happy, but non has ever worked.

She insults me anytime anywhere and she does not just care, her mother and brother sometimes chastise her, but she does not just listen, her mother however recently has been agreeing to anything she says or do, even with her other siblings no matter who is wrong(this is because she got a job lately and has been satisfying her mother financially). In fairness to her, she also disrespects every single person in her family, not just me alone. Also in fairness to her mum, (her mum) and her family members sometimes think I am too soft on her.

Well again in fairness to her , she exhibited these signs right from day one, not just to me but to everybody even her mother and elder ones. I explained this to the elders of the church, but they said she will change after the marriage.

Meanwhile while we were dating, there was a time I ended the affair because of her cynical behavior, and she came to beg and promised to change. I forgave her after like one month. But then, it only lasted for a while.

Many different things have happened since the marriage, even flirtatious activities, but not adultery, I have tried to handle and forgive those things.

Presently I am working in a different city, and we had a little misunderstanding and she started insulting me as usual and hung up on me. This is what she does regularly, but each time, I will be the one to call back because, I felt I should take the initiative and also because of the kids. I have told her to stop hanging up on me and insulting me on the phone. So, This time around, I refused to call her, and it has been like this for 2 months now, she refused to call as well. To worsen everything, I lost a close family member, just before this problem, she does not just seem to care. We have been like that since the past two months. Something tells me that with this kind of behaviour, she might as well have moved on, please what do you all think.

Anything we have misundertsanding , even when I try to resolve the issue, she will be busy with her phone, no matter how late it is, then immediately she drops the phone, she says she wants to sleep, and that is all.

NB. For this six years, I have been the only person working, so this is not a a case of her being the bread winner. She just got a job 5 months ago.

U said my case is learning compared to this ur own? Bro my wife is xactly like this and even farrrrr worse o...she is everything u pointed out here and even did worst before I quit d relationship and she also have two daughters with me