Phlimsyjay:
Happy birthday oga flow

God bless you

The war between Happiness and Miracle was really gain momentum.

It was a war I was sure would end in bloodshed and tears.

“Is Morley in your house?” My door was ajar.

“No he is not”

“You liar!” Miracle was furious and was walking swiftly out of the compound.

“I am not lying!” I said, “I am truthing”

“Young girl come!” Landlord was playing draft with Nas by the gate.

As Miracle approached Landlord, I was sure he was about to serve her a two-course meal from his platter of quotes.

“You know wetin Frog talk?” He asked Miracle.

“Wetin Frog talk?” Nas helped Miracle inquired.

“Frog say as him jump enter water, him body dey hot nahim make!” Landlord finished, “So why your body dey hot like frog?”

Miracle paused for while before she said, “Morley can’t be eating my Kpomo and be eating another person’s own too, he has to chose one!”

“If na me I no go chose you” Just then I noticed that our Miracle had gone from bleaching to burning her skin.

“Or am I not beautiful enough for him?” She spun like a big wheel.

“Beautiful? You are far from being beautiful, you are ugly, you are fat” I almost said, “and I tell you truth, you need to go s’hit”

Just at that point I remembered when I and Nas met Miracle for the first time when she came to visit Morley and met us in his house "weed-getabling".



“Who are you?” Nas asked, “Is sh’t catching you?”

Indeed s’hit was “catching” her from the way she walked. Or so i thought.

Whoever told me to eat vegetable soup with Nas?

Vegetable soup with so much weed.

“Your people are mad! you are really mad!” Miracle fired.

“We are not mad, we are telling you to go and s’hit, or have you already gone to s’hit and refused to use tissue paper?”

Miracle’s walking step was innovative; s’hitovative I mean to say. Who remember a movie in Nollywood that children sang for an actor “Papa Ibi!! Give us he ball?”

We continued eating our Weed-getable soup when Miracle left angrily and all of a sudden Nas began to jump up and down. At first i thought madness had called.

“Oboy you dey jump, you wan go Olympic?”

“Me? I no wan go Olmpic ooh!” I dey jump so I go create space”

“Create space for wetin?”

“Create space for the Eba wey I don chop so far make e go down so another one go enter”.

That innovative eating strategy invented by Nas I tried one day when I traveled home and was eating with my friendly Uncle.

Friendly Uncle gave me an unfriendly slap.

Tomorrow na my birthday, make my fans show me love.

Una say make I drop account number? 1k na big money ooh.

Nairaland Moderators tomorrow is the best day for this story to hit front page.

WAACUT:
I don laugh... Tire ooo

Read this last update and laugh out your small intestine

“Oboy Miracle get belle for me, wetin I go do?” Morley was worried as we sat outside the office.

“Guy I no know for you ooh, carry your cross, when you dey do the thing, e dey sweet you, you no know?” I almost said.

“Wetin the girl dey talk about am?” I asked him.

“She say she wan abort the pikin”

“Hmmmn give her money make she go abort am na?” As simple as it sounded. Or so I thought.

“Abi? Yes, na wetin I go do be that!” Like he was just realizing he wasn’t ready for a child.

“Yes, that is the best thing to do” I was sure.

“Oboy I dey hungry, make I reach 042” The great relief emptied his stomach.

“Go na, me I never dey hungry” I entered the office.


It was not 20 minutes after Morley left when Happiness came; I could see she was very furious.

“Where is Morley?” She asked.

“Morley! Morley!...........” I stuttered.

“I say where is He?” She stood close to me eyeballing.

“Hee? Hee?” Who is Hee?” I had lost my mind remembering how shiny her husband’s gun was the other evening and imagining a bullet from it piercing into my heart.

“Morley! Where is He?” She shouted.

“Hee? Okay Hee! Hee is not pregnant ooh!” I saw myself in the pool of my blood crying for help after the bullet pierced.

“Pregnant? Who is pregnant?” Her voice was suddenly down.

“Pregnant? Nobody ooh!” I realized I had messed up.

“Then what are you talking about?”

“I…….. I……….. I…….. I…..” Ice-cream.

“I what?” She shouted.

Our dear Happiness threatening was tossing my brain westward and eastward; I wasn’t myself.

“I am talking about…………… I am just trying to be funny, I wanted to say Morley is not the like The pregnantist” I found the appropriate lie.

“Who is the pregnantist?” She asked.

“The pregnantist na, don’t you watch American movies?” I tapped her my the shoulder.

“Which movie is that?”

“The pregnantist is one American movie, Will Smith, He impregnated two women from the same town” I cooked my lie with great culinary expertise.

“Then how is that related to the fact that I need to see Morley?”

“Its related na! I am trying to tell you that Morley is not like the pregnantist” Lies upon lies, “He is a good man”

“Good man indeed! Which good man will withdraw money from a woman’s account without her permission?”

“A Bad Good man!” I commented, “That kind of man is a bad good man”

“That is who your friend is” She replied, “Is it because I gave him my ATM card?” She was seated revealing her black p’ant and instant erection occurred.

“Yes!” Confusion on seeing her “inner light”

“Yes? You say Yes?” She raised her voice again.

“I mean No”

She dilly dallied for a while as I continued viewing her inner light HD, then she said “You better warn that your friend!”

“I will warned him” A person high on weed will speak more reasonably than myself.

“Warn him ooh!” She was about standing up.

“Please don’t stand up!” I was not done watching the movie.

“I will go now but warn him and tell him to return my money, 70k!” She stood.

My movie was cut short.

“Morley see as this Happiness girl dey buy you cloth” Nas and I were seated at Morley’s, “you get luck ooh”

“I know say I get luck”

“Guy you dey try sha, you dey do things with married woman” I was forced to say.

“How many times I go tell you say she no marry that guy” Morley returned, “she just born for the guy”

“But guy I like this cloth, shey you go give me?” Nas pleaded.

“When I dey knack the girl with all my strength, shey you give me small strength?”

"You no ask me for small strength na" Nas returned, "You know i have enough strength to go round"

True talk, Morley was losing strength and weight as a result of having sex with two Riverine girls back to back; sometimes front-to-front too. I could see his neck bone, a giraffe structure wasn’t farfetched. Need i say more?



I and Nas was returning from 042 one Sunday evening when I heard from a corner “Flow! Flow!”

“Who dey call me?” I turned.

“Come!” It was Solomon, Happiness’s husband; or rather her acting husband.

“How far?” We shock hands before I realized he smelled weed, “Na you be Flow abi?”

“Yes na me be Flow!” I answered “Any issue?"

“No issue ooh!” He swiftly replied.

“Okay”

With a rather morbid smile he said “So na you dey knack my wife? Na you be the Flow?”

Shivers running down my spine I replied “Me? Flow, No ooh!”

“No be you be Flow again?” He needed to be sure.

“Hmmmmm na me na, na me be Flow but but but no be me dey knack your wife”

“If no be you, na who na, na that guy wey stand there?” He pointed at Nas who stood afar.

“No ooh, no be that one sef, I no know who dey knack your wife”

“You sure say no be you?”

“I swear I sure pass shola” I wanted to sound funny.

“Because if I find out say na you hmmmm!” He revealed the gun he carried.

“No be me, you fit find out”

“The guy wey dey knack your wife, him name na Morley” I almost said.

“Okay na, you fit dey go!”


“Guy wetin the guy tell you?” Nas asked me as I walked to him.

“Oboy Morley dey for hot soup!”

More of like hot Yoruba pepper soup.

When Tony the traveler moved out of the compound because Baba the self acclaimed caretaker developed this hatred for him since he bought a more beautiful car than his, the Landlord of the compound moved in.

Okechukwu Landlord moved in after his betting shop in his village closed down and he was idle in the village waiting for political appointment from the new dispensation.

Young, vibrant and funny Okechukwu Landlord.

The man Okechukwu is almost my age mate but was a landlord already; a landlord of not just one but two distant buildings. A landlord that adopted “Landlord” as a surname.

I was trying to catch some more sleep one early morning when I heard a knock on my door, I opened and lo and behold it was Landlord. I was sure i wasn't owing rent.

“Landlord Good morning” I yawned.

“Good morning, abeg come outside first” He said to me.

“Come outside to do wetin this kin early morning?”

I reluctantly came out to meet other tenants including Morley and Fishbone.

“Eheen now wey una don come out, I wan tell una say una know wetin be today?” Landlord said to us.

“wetin be today?” Nas who just came out of Morley’s living room asked.

“Today na Laughing Laughing, make una just dey laugh!” I was shocked.

“Make we just dey laugh?” Morley was as confused as I was, “wey be say we no dey mad?”

“I say make una just dey laugh!”

“Why we go laugh? Abi your wife don born?” Fishbone asked.

"She never born"

“Landlord me I never sleep well you dey tell me about laugh”

“Make una ask me why I say make una dey laugh na!”

“why?”

“Eheen, na now una come?” He responded, “I go tell una”

“Tell us na Landlord, tell us!”

“I just win 51 thousand Naira for game wey I play online” he said.

“Wow!” Fishbone and I said that at the same time.

“And I wan give all of una 2k each from the money”

“Thank you Landlord for this money wey you wan give us, it will go a long way to change our lives and avail us the opportunity to be transformed” Nas began speaking English.

“Mumu Nas, na 2k go change and transform your life? So naso your life no get value?”

“Oga if to say 2k easy to get dash me your own 2k”

That weekend, the 2k coming from Landlord was notable to save me from dying from hunger especially after I lost 20k to sport betting, the money was more of a life changer like Nas said.

“But before I go give una the money, una must do something for me?”

“wetin? We are ready to do anything?” I was quick to say.

“Today na laughing laughing, make una just dey laugh”

My laugh was last and best.

Story to continue by 18th of this month. Please stay tuned.

WAACUT:
Flow..we dey ur back 247

I dey with you too. No worry una go feel me wella. Or so i thought

ogyunging:
This no feel like the flow of that year. Abobi, abi u no dey smoke igboh again. Sumtin dey miss.

No worry, you go feel me wella

Walking northward we met with the guy with the black face cap.

“Una don buy the phone?” He asked.

“Yes we don buy am” Eze replied, “see the one wey we buy na”

“Okay na this phone una buy? Una buy correct phone ooh” The guy said.

“Yes we know! We dey look for our guy wey follow us come, you see am?” I said to him.

“Yes I see am waka like say him dey enter Fidelity bank side” He answered.

“okay make we go there go meet am” I returned.

“Where una wan go?” The guy cornered us.

“To go find our friend na!” Eze said.

“Una no dey go anywhere until una give me my Oso ahia money!”

“Oso ahia money! Nwanne were ya nwayo!” Eze spoke.

“Onwe ego anyi ga nye gi!” I added.

“See this boys ooh, una wan try me abi?” Our man had put of his shirt.

Soon about 10 guys had surrounded us and threatening to seize the phone if we don’t give the face cap guy the money he demanded.

“How much be the money sef?” I asked.

“The money na 20k, una go give me 20k because na me go show una shop wey una buy original Iphone” The face cap guy informed us.

“But na normal thing you do for us na!” Eze said.

“Oga no talk like that ooh, what of if to say him carry una go shop wey them rob una or shop wey go sell Akpu phone for una” One short man said.

I thought for a while what Akpu phone was, was he trying to say Apple phone? then i said, “But we tell am thank you na”

“This one no be matter of thank you, eji ji thank you eshi ofe?”

Of course thank you can not cook a pot of soup, truthfully the face cap guy did not look to me like someone that could cook a pot of soup with 20k; not even 2k.

“Flow abeg you get reach 20k for your account make you transfer for them, after I go give you” Eze whispered to me.

“Me? 20k? Me wey never see 20k since wey my mama born me” I said.

Eze dilly dallied for a while before he said, “okay we go give una the money but na 10k we go give una”



“Where Nas com put head for God sake!” My shoe was hurting.

“Oga good afternoon, abeg we dey look for one guy him black like back of pot, him teeth don break e get flyover for front, them say him enter una bank” Eze asked the security man at Fedility bank.

“Today na Saturday, nobody dey enter bank, make una comot here abeg before una go rob me”

“Flow! Eze! Make una see he here!” I heard from behind.

“Nas why you come do us like this na, we don dey look for you taya!” I cried out.

“Make una no vex, I been dey podge, I go s’hit for public toilet” He offered to shake hands with me.

“Go shake your papa for house, you dey craze, you go s’hit finish you wan shake my hand” The same Nas that told us that when he we was in the village, if there was no leaves he could use to clean up after defecating, he would use sand and his bare hands; that woe betide him to use tissue paper or water.

“e be like say that beer wey we drink for that shop don expire ooh, or maybe e sawa” Nas said the most stupid statement I had heard in a long while.

Well, what was I to say, I drank coke not beer.

poshestmina:


Best wishes Nna!

Ndewo.

I see you reside in Pitakwa?

“Iphone! Come make I run am for una!”

“na we get the best Iphone! make i carry una go our shop”

“Una wan repair phone? Laptop?”

"You want Iphone wey go Havard?"

“Oga no mind am, na me go give you original Iphone, their own na fake!”

These were the words flying as we walked into the phone village.

“Achom ezigbote Iphone di sharp” Eze spoke in Igbo to one guy on black face cap.

Soon Eze followed the guy on black face cap towards his shop.

“Na my Oga be this, him go give you correct Iphone” The guy said to Eze as we arrived a shop full of phones.

“Okay, Ndewo nu! make una sit down, wetin una go drink?” The fat shop owner offered.

“Beer! Cold beer! Give me cold beer!” Nas said.

“Guy why you dey ask for beer for this kin place, here na office na!” I whispered to Nas.

“Flow leave me jor, you no see say we from far place come and I need to cool my temper, abi you no see say AC dey this shop?”

“Me na coke I go drink” I sounded official.

“Sir, what of you, wetin you go drink?” The attendant ask Eze.

“Me na beer, Heineken!”

The attendant had brought two bottles of Heineken and one bottle of Coca Cola when my regret started on seeing the Heineken bottles "weeping" on the table.

“I for ask for beer ooh, the coke no even sweet” I said to myself.

“So Oga which Iphone una wan buy?” The shop owner asked.

“ehnnn, I want Iphone 7 or Iphone 8, or a little bit of both” Eze replied.

“Emeka bring those Iphone make him chose the one wey him like” The shop Owner said to his worker Emaka.

“Okay oga una welcome , see this one na Iphone 7, see this two na Iphone 8” Emeka gave one phone to me and two to Eze, “but you see this one here, na Iphone 7 plus 8, e get Iphone 7 and Iphone 8 features”

“You say this one get wetin?” I was shocked.

“e get Iphone 7 and Iphone 8 features, na Iphone 7 plus 8” Emeka replied.

“that is na Iphone 15 na, 7 plus 8 na 15 na!” Nas helped us with the Maths.

“Yes, senior man, e be like you get A1 for maths for WAEC, na Iphone 15, you fit use the phone as drone if you wan do video” Emeka said.

“guy no dey lie abeg, how you go use phone as drone!” I was shocked.

“Oga I dey tell una the truth, I no dey lie, the drone equipment una go buy am separately” Emeka was winning our hearts.

“But no phone like Iphone 15 na, why you wan sell Iphone 15 wey never enter market for us!” I was sure Apple Company would be so proud of our Emeka for his exhibition – a phone that could fly.

“Oboy! This Iphone 15 drone phone for good for Miracle my girl ooh, you know say she like Tik Tok well well!” Eze was convinced.

“Emeka, so how much be the Iphone 15 drone phone?” Nas asked.

“The phone na 160k and the drone equipment na 50k” Emeka answered, “But you fit buy the phone now, later you go buy the drone equipment, I go help you come fix am”

“But chairman na 150k I get for this phone ooh, I really wan buy am” Eze admired the phone.


“make una dey pay for the phone make I go collect my phone wey that engineer dey repair for me” Nas left us after finishing his drink.

We had finished paying for the phone and left the shop only to begin a search for Nas.

“Flow you go follow me go buy phone for Garison” Eze came to me one Saturday morning.

“Phone? I think say you get phone? Which kin phone be that?” I asked.

“Ehnnn I get phone, I no dey buy am for myself”

“Who you com dey buy the phone for?” I needed to know.

“Na Miracle, she say her phone don’t spoil”

“Okay, na which kin phone you wan buy?” I asked.

“Na Iphone! I wan buy her Iphone 7”

Just then Nas cuts into the conversation with his phone in his hand.

“Abeg me sef wan go repair this my Eyephone” Nas’s phone was more of NosePhone than EyePhone because the phone caught running Nose when it rains and ran temperature after the rain.

“This wan na Iphone”

“Yes na Eyephone made in ONELGA” How he so love is Local Government Area.

“this wan wey Nas wan follow us go, hope say him get transport money” Eze whispered to me while Nas went in to get some good cloths on.

“Him fit no hold transport ooh” I replied.

“Make we dey go na!” Nas was out but not on some good cloths.

“make we dey go where? With this kin cloth wey you wear, shey you think say na masquerade we dey go visit?” Eze said.

I saw no out-of-fashion in the cloth Nas was putting on save the shoe he wore called Canoe.

“Why you wear this your Canoe shoe na, shey you think say na swim we dey go swim?” I asked.

“ehhhn, You know this Pitakwa na, rain fit fall anytime, if rain fall, I fit float for flood with this my shoe” It was rainy season in Pitakwa.

“Abeg make two of una go wear better cloth, after I buy the Iphone na una go follow me go give Miracle the phone for her school, I want to pay her a surprise visit” Eze told us.

I went in changed to my suede high heel boot, well fitted jeans and T-shirt with “Love your Life” crested on it. Nas was on a worn out senator with a funny cowboy hart and the Canoe shoe which at the time was his only shoe. Eze himself smelled as nice as spring Rose petals, was well shaved and his newly installed earring sparkled like real diamond, he was on a black sweater and a black jean. We were looking like the three wise men from the east on a mission to impress a beautiful damsel from the South-south.

The road to Garison was farther than I thought due to traffic congestion and Nas giving us some not-too-funny comic relief all because he needed to impress on beautiful lady seated by his side.


It started drizzling once we alighted and crossed over to the other side of the road to meet the infamous Garison touts at the entrance of Garison’s phone village – a place of signs and wonders.

Now my businesses were gradually vanishing. The street that made me was becoming ice cold.

“Flow I don help you talk to Bee, him say make you buy am drink, say him no go do you anything” Fishbone said to me in my living room.

“Drink? Which drink be that?”

“Any drink na”

Jameson is a man not a boy, when he was a boy he played with his friends in the sand, he laughed so hard, danced so well in the rain. For childhood family storyline, he acted the father. Jameson grew into a fine teenager that was every girl’s dream; he was good with his words always remembering the words of his mother “Break guys bones not girls heart”. His father taught him to always come eat in the table of equity with clean hands. Jameson is a great man and a good friend too.

Jameson was indeed a good friend to me that afternoon as I approached my enemy Bee.

Bee stung not.

“So Flow you carry Baba James come tell me sorry abi?” He said.

“Yes, I carry Jameson come and this small thing” I offered him the envelope containing 5000 Naira.

“But why you follow Seventy come destroy my shrine” Bee had emptied the content of the envelope.

“Na Seventy force me ooh, I been no wan do am”



Back home I entered Morley’s room to announce to him that my sins had been forgiven only to meet my friend having sex with Happiness.

The door was open and the lovers did not notice my presence behind the curtain.

Morley was b’anging hard and I could feel the joints of the bed cracking.

Happiness's dry a’rse caused me e’rection as I watched real life b’lue film.

“Turn na make him give you d.oggy” I was advocating for Morley in my mind.

I was wondering what substance Morley took to make him last so long in bed when suddenly he headed for the Mango.

“Guy No!!! No lick this Mango!” I almost shouted.

There are Four types of Mango:
1. The Unripe Mango: This kind of Mango is the type that is acidic as a result of the fact that no one had eaten of it. Call it the forbidden fruit if you would. An example of this type of Mango in Nneka the young teenager I d’eflowered when I newly came to Pitakwa, that night I became vampire drinking blood all thanks to the stupid teenager wanting to explore options in sex.

2. The Ripe Mango: This Mango is sweet and smooth and taste like honey. This Mango, the owners are clean and maintain it clean very well. This is the kind of Mango that you will see in your dreams after licking in reality – you lick in reality and lick in dream. This Mango you will choose for you to be served as spice to your meal, for instance Mango and fried rice, Mango juice, Mango and Ice cream, Mango smoothie, Mango and Beans, name it. Example of this was Oma the girl from Ahoada I so loved. She was so expensive for me to maintain but I loved her at the time. When we broke up and I was sure didn’t want her again because her expensive lifestyle was telling on my pocket, I had to plead with her that I needed her back in my life just to have one more taste of her Mango. Imagine the I’diot telling me to buy her flower and I should go down on my knees and say I was sorry. Things we do for the Mango.

3. The Over-ripe Mango: This type of Mango taste like spoiled beans on the one side and Boley on the other side. An example is Coretha who farts when one licks her Mango. After my first attempt with Coretha and almost getting my Nose burnt by her hot fart, I promised myself to never try it again after seeing my lips suddenly growing thicker the next morning.

4. The Rotten Mango: This Mango is dead on arrival. The room is fully fragranced and aromatic. Fish, Rotten egg, spoilt tomatoes and crude oil all combine to give the room an odour that could give one wings to fly. This Mango must have been to delivery ward once or twice. I have no experience of such but could tell how it feels from the detailed explanation of Fishbone who sleeps with married women.
Happiness was a married woman; or rather a partly married woman but her Mango falls under the Over-ripe type. Or so I thought.

“Morley please don’t do this!” I almost spoke.

Thank God he didn’t taste of the Mango.

poshestmina:
Hi and Hello.

Good to finally have you back on Nairaland after years. I remember how much "Man wey dey reason " and the earlier stories made me follow you (Facebook).

However,these stories are disjointed and seem forced .
Be like you just dey write for writing sake.
Even if you have to write a fictional story , make e add up bros .

The originality wey make me follow you no show atall atall.


Best regards ♥️.

Thanks for the feedback. I will work on it

“Do you know that guy over there!” I heard one of the girls telling Coretha.

“I know the guy, he is my Ex” she answered.

Coretha had finished eating and rushed to sit close to me while I resumed with the Amala in front of me.

“How are you Flow?” I noticed she was more beautiful and womanly when compared how she was before leaving Pitakwa.

“I am fine, abi don’t I look fine?”

“You, you, you do” She couldn’t take her eyes of the oil stain on my white trouser.

“So tell me, why are you in Port Harcourt?” I chewed the third piece of meat out of the 9 pieces of meats in my plate of soup.

Yeah, Nine. Legend has it that Ajoke’s meals can never be void of her infamous 9-meat. Legends also has it that she always counted the number of meats to make sure it doesn’t exceed Nine before she served. With the increasing number of customers she served daily, I sometimes wondered if she slaughtered a full cow daily; that is a possibility. Little wonder a plate of food in such a local restaurant cost 1500 Naira.

“Well I came to Port Harcourt to inform you and few of my friends of my marriage” I spewed the fourth in my mouth.

“Marriage?”

“Yes, I am getting married next month”



I was trying to digest the information of Coretha’s marriage when my phone rang. It was Fishbone.

“Hello….. Fishbone…………….. You say……….. My viewing centre!” Hell had been let loosed.

“Wetin happen?” Biodun asked.

“My viewing centre! Bee and him boys dey scatter my viewing centre” I cried.

“eheen! Leave them make them scatter am, we are coming for them!” Seventy said.

“You and who?” I replied, “See wetin you don put me into now”

“Wetin I do? Na help I dey help you na!”

Help that was causing me more troubles than good. Seventy, Myself and Biodun had overnight gone to destroy Bee’s shrine few days ago, so Bee’s camp was counter-reacting.

Seventy was the head of Greenlander a popular secret cult in the locality where we stayed, while Bee was the head of rival Icelanders. Their hatred for each other was not mainly as a result of them belonging to rival cult, their hatred was fueled when Seventy raped Bee’s wife after she insulted him.

“Seventy why you dey help me fight Bee sef?” I needed to know, “I be your brother?”

“You no need to be my brother before I go help you fight that small boy!” Seventy said, “I do it for love, abi you like as Bee send people make them enter your house come rob all your properties?”

My life was in shambles, I was going mad soon. Almost all my properties were gone. UD caused it. My computer centre was robbed at night and Bee had his men mount a checkpoint in front of the computer centre, Morley blamed me. UD caused it all. Bee was in search of me so he could serve my head in a bloody platter to occultist. UD caused it.

UD did not cause it entirely. I caused it myself.

This is how I caused it: Bee came alone to my office to collect his usually daily 500 Naira his tax for me challenging him through UD, since we had not made sales that day I resisted him and one thing led to another I landed a big punch to his Nose, the punch sent him sitting down palatial in the drainage by the road side almost causing vehicular accident. Then he ran home to get his gun while I ran out to hide in a nearby bush for hours. Vehicle that drove passed my business area from that moment was stopped and searched in a quest to find me.

If I had known.

Operation Flowless would have been abortive if not for Baba Seventy’s interference.

“Seventy wetin you dey tell me so?” I was at Seventy’s house.

“I say I go habour you for my house for now” He answered, “Bee no go fit do you anything”

Bee was an enemy to Seventy no gainsaying that, but what was Seventy’s interest in me, would I end up as a bait to these touts? Or Not.

“Flow you go follow us go chop?” Biodun and Seventy was on their way out.

“Yes I go chop” I was really hungry.

“Na Amala ooh!”Seventy said, “You dey chop Amala?”

“Amala? I dey chop am na” I nodded.

Just then, I flashed back to my first experience with Amala.


It was when I visited Baba Ilorin (from Ibo boy wey like Yoruba) in his family house in Asa dam, Kwara State.

It was an Amala dudu on a hot afternoon after I and Baba Ilorin returned from drinking Action Bitter at Offa.

I had swallowed three huge b’alls of the Amala in front of me when I suddenly felt my heart burning.

“Flow you dey Okay?” Ilorin asked.

“Ilorin e be like say that Action Bitter don expire ooh” I said.

“How e go expired” Illorin spoke in past tense.

“My heart dey burn me and my belly dey turn me” He thought I was pulling his legs.

“But that Action bitter sweet na!” How on earth would something bitter be sweet at the same time?

“Guy my belle dey turn me, where una toilet dey?” Before Ilorin showed me the toilet I had dashed to the direction he pointed.

Soon I was empting my bowels in a bowl, little wonder there was no comfort in the process.

“Flow na for my Mama Basin wey she take dey sell Garri you de sh’it!!!”

For the rest days I stayed at Ilorin’s family house, his mother hated me so much, cursing me in Yoruba from time to time especially the curse “Olori buruku!!”



“Flow you be Olori buruku ooh, you don sidon for chair wey oil dey and you wear white” We were at Ajoke’s restaurant.

On my white trousers was map of Africa drawn with palm oil.

Amongst the ladies seated at Ajoke's that laughed at the ugly ordeal was someone ugly.

Coretha the lead Chorister amongst those that laughed.

hart12:
I dy mile 3 like this...., ; very soon my Chronicles go Dy flow for this forum

Abi ooh. If by that time you need colabo, just hit me

My worker Udeme is a great man, he overcame Bee the one that stung.

It was sometime in May when it rained more of Elephant and Cow than Cat and Dog.

“So UD we don dey go house ooh, rain wan start, small time you pack things carry the laptop them come house” I said to UD.

“Okay Boss! Make I finish this thing wey I dey design I go bring the laptop come house” UD was very busy.

I and Morley got home before it rained so heavily that my bed was sweeter than Honey.


Soon it was daybreak and I heard a knock at the door.

“Who be that!” I yelled.

“Na me Udeme!” It was UD’s voice I heard so I opened.

“UD! Wetin happen to you! Who beat you?” He was looking like he was ran over by a truck.

“Na Bee ooh, Bee and him boys beat me!” He said.

“Why na?” A question that brought about a narration.

UD narrated to me that he was returning from worked after the rain stopped and when he got to the junction where 1759 viewing centre was located Bee called him from a corner.

“Wetin you carry for that bag!” He said Bee asked him.

“Why you tell am say na laptop na!” I grabbed the bag to affirm the two laptops where contained in it.

“So how come them no collect the laptop from you na” Morley entered.

“I tell them say na Flow be my oga and say Flow no dey fear them!” He announced.

“Why UD? Why? Why you talk that kin thing, you wan kill me?” I heart skipped.

“Boss I have to tell am like that as him ask me say who be my oga” I could feel a burning sensation in my heart.

“so wetin dem come do you?” Morley asked.

“Them beat me sotey dem almost wan shoot me when I say I no go give them the laptop bag, say the laptops wey dey inside nahim dey give us money for our office”

“So wetin come happen next?” Morley could ask because his name was not in the story.

“Bee come dey make call dey call one pastor dey tell am say head don dey for ritual” UD said, “Him wan cut my head for ritual”

“Them cut your head?” Morley asked like UD had two heads.

“No oga Morley, na my head be this na!” UD brought to his notice, “as him wan cut my head, I com tell am say if him cut my head my oga Flow go kill am”

“UD why? UD why?” Tears clouded my eyes, “Why? which day I tell you say I go fit kill Bee?”

“So as you talk like that wetin him come do?” Morley was still asking questions.

“Him tell me say he is coming for that Flow!” UD informed us, “naso him come free me”

“Which Flow?” I needed to confirm my ears were working fine.

“Your Flow na?” UD replied, “Him say him go make you Flowless”

Then Operation Flowless began.

Sageez:


I rep Rumuagholu.

Ride on boss 😎

Ndewo

Just to update to my fans, make una see time wey i post this one, 1:29am. Nairaland una must pay me ooh

“Excuse me His Royal Majesty Sir!” I was weeping, “I am not the owner of the land”

“Shut up! You idiot! you thief my father’s land? Alindam!” One man holding me by my right hand gave me a stroke me with the belt he held.

Alindam is an Ikwerre man’s way of saying Alannam in Igbo language. No trouble me abeg, ask any Ikwerre or Igbo person you know.

Legend has it that an Ikwerre man cannot be separated from his land, he could kill for it.

“We go kill you nothing go happen!” One gloomy-faced man tapped my bare back with a machete, “Here na your village?”

“No be me thief the land, I am just a worker there, I just start work today, I no be thief!” I cried with a loud voice wishing Man was caught alongside me.

The Royal Highness stepped down from his throne and two members of council of chiefs followed him to a corner. They talked for a while before returning to where I knelt down weeping unending.

“Wey you Igbo boy!” The Royal Highness called, “we will lock you in OSPAC cell until you provide the person wey say make una build for that land”

OSPAC is Pitakwa’s local vigilante. I don't even know the full meaning.


In a cell that contained only me, I wept, I so wept. I stood in the pool of my tears. The day was longer than the night.

I was thinking of how life can start form zero and in few minutes end in hundred. I was hungry, the cell smelt like a skunk.

“This Ogbogoro people are wicked” I told myself.

I was flashing back to when Ogbogoro and Rumuekini was in dispute over an Ogbogoro indigene Rumuekini people killed as a result of land ownership.

That day I knew Eze was better off an Olympiad.

“oboy close your shop ooh, Ogboro people dey come plenty!” I rushed to Eze.

Our Eze was so confused that he packed his items into his neighbours’ shop forgetting that his generator was part of his properties.

That day the Ogbogorians stole from houses and shops vehicles and passersby just because one of them was killed.

“You wey kill two brothers for their land come ooh, your friends want to see you!” Accusation raised to power hundred.

I was so happy to see Nas and Morley, but happier eating homemade food after two days in custody.

I am available for any sort of writing jobs. You can can reach my management on +2348032607611.

Meanwhile if you are an entrepreneur please check my signature.

do4luv14:


Buh boss why you still dey weep for delicious Riverine delicacy ehnn,
about e no sweet again 😁😁😁

So i thought. Abeg shey this story never reach to hit front page? I say make i ask

As we passed Gateway International Church heading towards Ogbogoro, I was reminiscing to back then in Owerri when Myself, Man, Igbakwambo and the rest successfully finished building one filling station. I remembered Obele the stomach solution, I remembered Snoop – who I learnt is now serving a jail term, I remember Barinbox. I remember MOG the miracle worker.

“Where MOG dey sef!” I asked Man as we walked down a bush part.

“MOG dey this Port Harcourt ooh, you and him never jam?” Man asked.

“Me and him never jam ooh!”


“Good morning engineer!” Man greeted one wrinkled faced man, “I came here with my friend Flow, the guy sabi work, him other name na Rice and Beans”

“Okay, since he knows how to work, he will serve you”

“Flow you hear wetin engineer talk, you will serve me, meaning I am your boss!” Man boasted.

Work started and I realized that my Rice and Beans skills was still active; once a soldier, always a soldier.



“Flow bring enough block na!” Man commanded.


Then my phone rang.

It was Grace calling, she was inviting me to church the next day being Sunday.

Grace was a fine ebony beautiful woman I met on Facebook I was falling in love with, but she was more in love with me coming to church than anything else.

The call lasted about 10 minutes. Her voices was so sweet that I strayed towards a deserted part of the bush – to get clearer network maybe.

“…Yes I will be in church, I promise”



On returning to the site I discovered that everybody was gone.

“Man! Man! Man wey dey reason!” I shouted.

The trees echoed back my words in hundred fold.

“Man make una no dey play this kin play with me na, Man! John! Paulo!” I was losing my mind.

I searched for Man under a shovel, searched for John inside a head pan, and searched for Paulo in between blocks.

“Where una come go na!” My tongue was dry.

From nowhere I saw about 10 men racing towards me, but the moment I turned to run, I discovered my lazy legs had caught Elephantiasis.

It was a case of from bush to Palace.

I was carried royally to the Palace of the Traditional ruler of Ogbogoro community.

Then my story began.

The day Man wey reason visited unreasonable Man.

“Ureasonable! Flow you dey unreasonable!” Man was in my living room, “How you go tell me say you no dey smoke igboh again, and you no dey mix Rice and Beans again”

“I don’t do those things, I have decided to follow Jesus!”

Me that had decided to follow Jesus followed the old temptation Man to a street known as Azikiwe in Pitakwa.

“Guy how you take know this place” I asked.

“Na why I be Man wey dey reason na, I sabi reason wella” He announced.

“But where we dey waka dey go like this?” I asked knowing his response.

“when we reach there you go know”



“Flow take small igboh na, this particular one sweet ooh” Man offered.

“Yes na, this one na Ogoni Igboh” One tribal marked guy sitting next to Man said.

I was tempted of the devil and fell. I just don’t know how Man does this thing.

Indeed the weed was so sweet with an aroma of Catfish pepper soup.

Few minutes, then where we sat was suddenly flooded and I began to swim like a Catfish.

“Flow! Flow! You dey rub yourself for potorpotor!” I heard Man said.

“I dey swim!” I replied.

“Leave am make him swim, shebi him name na Flow, He is Flowing in the water on the floor” I heard one idiot said.



Daybreak to me telling Man to leave my house, that I needed no bad influence.

“Flow leave am, shebi na your friend!” Morley pleaded.

“I no need this kin friend for my life, make him gerrout”

“No be him force you to smoke na!” Nas said.

Indeed I smoked Azikiwe weed voluntarily and voluntarily I would mix Ogbogoro rice and beans almost taking my life.

SunFlow:
.. Blackboard 😂😂😂😂

Thanks for reading my stories

“Billboard say they will pay workers 200k per month, why are you still in doubt?” I said to Fishbone as he carried I and Nas in his Keke to the supposed interview location.

“I am not in doubt, just be say them no tell una the work wey una go dey do to get that kin salary” I sensed Fishbone was envious.

“That one no concern me, my one be say make we get the work”

We bid Fishbone fare well hoping to return in the afternoon with the good news of us getting the job.


“You can fill this form while you wait for your session” One fine receptionist told us.

“What do we fill in this session of amount to subscribe to?” I was on the second page of the form.

“Okay just leave that place, when you get inside you will be instructed on how much to fill” She replied.

“Flow which one be amount to subscribe to again?” Nas asked.

“Maybe na the money wey dem go dey pay us as wardrobe allowance every month” Rubbish talk.


“E no go better for that Company ooh!” Nas said as we walked towards our street, “Them say we go register with 50k com collect their product dey sell”

“But why them com deceive us say na 200k job we go get?” I cried out.

“Na rubbish people na, them com keep us dey train us for more than 4 hours” I yawned, “and hungry don dey catch me now”

“You hold small money there make we enter 042” Nas asked.

“Why you dey ask me that kin question, you no see say I use my last 500 naira pay for the registration form wey those nonsense people give us? Make we reach house first, e fit be say Morley cook”

We got home to meet Morley who was about stepping out.

“Oboy you never go office since morning?” I needed to know why he left our business to UD our new employee.

“Oboy no mind me jor, I just dey lazy to go to office” He replied, “although me and my new babe Happiness dey since morning”

Happiness the billboard.

“Oboy food dey your house?” Nas asked.

“Food dey na, the one wey Happiness bring from her house”

“Guy nawa for you ooh, this Happiness girl wey you dey do things with, I hear say she don marry” I inquired, “No be so?”

“Eeeehn, she don marry, but no be main marriage, na Gbarangida marriage”

If a woman stays with a man under the same roof, eats the man’s food, spends his money, washes his cloths, get free knocking and yet is not married to him, that is Gbarangida marriage according to Morley.

“But I hear say the guy don buy drink go give the girl papa” I heard so.

“Buy drink meaning what? Buy drink na marriage?” Morley returned.

“Buy drink mean say the parents dey aware say the girl stay with the guy” Nas sat down for Morley to serve us, “and remember say the girl don born two children for the guy”

“Abeg make una forget story and make una chop this delicious food wey the girl bring for me jor” Morley offered us a meal I had not eaten all my life.

In the meal I saw Periwinkle twisting Crabs, Yam as a mountain and vegetable as a valley, Tilapia swimming here and there from the mold of porridge and aroma of Chicken filled the room.

“which kin food be this?” I asked, “e sweet ooh, very sweet”

“Na Riverine people food” Morley answered.

Riverine delicacy brought "delicious tears" later. And I still weep as i write this.

4kizo:
That "goodevening ma" got me rolling on bed🤣🤣

Hahahahaha, you never see anything.

“Obuisi this your Beans don dey small ooh” Fishbone said while we had a good time at Obuisi’s 042.

“Fishbone, Flow, Nas….. all of una dey hear me?” Eze called our attention.

“wetin be that?” We asked at the same time.

“Una see wetin Morley dey do me so?” He continued.

“Wetin him dey do you?”

“Miracle my babe, him wan collect her from me” He said.

“How na? How him wan take collect her from you” Fishbone asked.

“The girl no dey pick my call again, the girl no dey come my shop again!”

Eze had two months before this conversation opened a supermarket. His was Operation Feed the Nation as every Tom, D’ick and Harry that was hungry at any point in time came to take food items for free; Not Tom D’ick and Harry every Miracle, Vicky and Roseline I mean to say. Miracle was sucking him dry like Bee to Nectar.

“Eze you no get shame ooh!” I said, “You wey that girl don dey close down your business nahim you come here dey say another person wan collect her from you, shey you no happy say Morley wan help you comot her for your life?”

“See I love that girl and nothing go change am!”

“You love the girl? Tell us true here, you don knack her” Nas asked.

“Knack? Na small thing na, if to say I wan knack her, I for don knack her since!” He spoke.

“Na lie abeg, the girl no gree you knack her abeg” Fishbone said.

“Okay, even if I never knack her, Morley don knack her?” He asked.

“Yes na, Morley don knack Miracle na!” I announced.

“Na lie abeg! That girl wey be virgin, I confirm am myself the day wey I try to knack her” Thermometer for virginity.

“Oboy dey deceive yourself there, Morley don knack the girl wotowoto” Nas added.

Morley had not had sex with Miracle "wotowoto" like Nas said he had had sex with her just once, which I am aware of. He narrated how it happened to me 30 minutes after Miracle left his newly rented house next door to mine.



“Oboy I fall hand ooh!” He was sweating profusely.

“How na, she no gree you knack?” I needed to know.

“I knack but when we wan start, my thing first no gree stand ooh”

“wetin happen? Why?” My mouth was ajar.

“I no know why ooh, and the girl say she be virgin”

“Ooboy! See gobe ooh!” I exclaimed.

“So after my thing com stand wey I say make I fire down naso I com discover say she no be virgin as she talk” Morley said, “that place wide, e wide like Blackboard”

“You mean am?” Real matters.

“Yes na, she com tell me say she dey her second virgin now” Morley said what I found hard to understand.

“which one be second virgin na? dem dey be virgin two times” I was confused.

“I wonder for her ooh!”

“She dey lie for you abeg!” I was sure “Person wey that place like blackboard dey tell you say she be virgin”

“Guy I taya ooh”

“Wait ooh, You sef how you go say person thing wide like blackboard?” What a way to talk about a part of the body that is as sweet as honey.



“Blackboard! Na wetin Morley call her thing that day” I told the rest.

Just as we stood up to leave 042 we saw Morley walking down the road with a Lady, Billboard I suppose.