SirShymex:
Babygirlfl,

I'm waiting for ya post on this thread.

Got one eye on footie, and the other on my laptop.

Yields:
My motto when it comes to cheating:
Cheat once and you're out the door.

Faithful and loyal people are hard to find,
but they still exist and hope I will be
lucky enough to find one of them.

Mcheeeew. Tolerate a cheating husband ko...
How dare I!

May I never marry a cheater.
Amen and Amen.

Chiefpriest1:
There are basically three kinds of cheats, the serial cheat, the occasional cheat and those who stray once in a while. More than 95per cent of nigerian husbands would fall into this category at a point in their life.

Your decision would be informed by the category he falls, but I want to believe he just strayed since this is the first time you ve 'caught' him.

Matters like this require patience. Some kids who have never had a relationship talk more of getting married will soon be here to advice you to divorce your husband. Fact is that most men cheat and many of those who are not cheating probably havent had the chance.

Depending on the kind of man you married (you know him better than everyone here), I guess what you should do is to have a heart to heart talk with him. Dont be confrontational.

Ask him if hes willing to swap his happy family with whatever pleasure he's getting outside.

Appeal to his emotions without being judgmental. The intention is to break him, make him 'confess' , apologise and promise that it wont happen again.

If he does this, forgive him and try forgetting, though it might be difficult. If you see him as your last bus stop, you ll do everything to make the marriage work.

I am not advising you to start asking yourself unnecessary questions, but you might need to check if you haven't shifted attention from your husband to your children.

Women tend to do that alot, forgetting that they met the man first before the kids started coming(marriage counsellors know this).

Whatever it is, dont hate him, dont get violent. Dont let the devil take charge. He ll come around and things Will be normal again.

SirShymex:


Darn!! I need to say AMEN to this cos you're a virtuous woman. And hopefully, you'll make the right choice by selecting a thorough bred who understands what loyalty entails - loyalty above everything and death before dishonour! Amen and Amen-Ra!

zeongeon:
if u dont hve anything to say just SHUT UP so that we may think u wise

EnlightenedSoul:


Heh. You'd be wise to practice your own advice. Fortunately for you, that's easily accomplished in a simple two-step process: Regurgitate. Swallow.

That'll be all.

zeongeon:
is that all or there is more??

EnlightenedSoul:


Sorry, three steps: Reprocess. Regurgitate. Swallow.

zeongeon:
you can do better than this nah don't disappoint me.

EnlightenedSoul:


Marinate

all4naija:

That is not from the bottom of your heart, dude!

babygirlfl:


It is difficult for me to post on this thread because to start with, the op believes all men cheat. I do not believe all men cheat. I do believe however that a lot of men cheat. I don't know what to advice the op because it seems like her mind is made up on what she wants to do.
Do I support her decision? No
Do I understand with her? Yes

Sirshymex, men can say they are polygamous in nature as long as they want but one thing I know is that a home with a cheating partner is not a happy home. It is torture, it's painful and things can never be the same in that home. I was born into a happy home where I can boldly say my dad never cheated on my mum and I am married to a lovely man who have never cheated on me (I don't always say this as nairaland is anti- happy home). I love my happiness and forever is a long time to be unhappy. I don't do one leg in and one leg out. If it were me (God forbid) I will PROBABLY go the divorce route but I know this is easier said than done.

I read your post where you said it is a phase that will pass. That's true but think of the damage that would have been done. What if the wife gets HIV before the phase goes? I also read where you wrote about staying for the children. An unhappy wife is an unhappy mother and the children will not be happy too. I totally understand and agree that divorce is not the best but sometimes it is the best.

SirShymex:


Let me just start records straight. I'm not a cheater, and based on the technicalities of cheating. Hence I don't go into relationships like that, I always look before I leap. And also, with relationships, you can always check in and out - and I maximised that in all my relationships to get around. Then come back to my partners. However, you don't have that luxury in marriage - so I won't be able to tell if I'll ever cheat or not. But I hope when the time comes, what was instilled in me by my mum and nan about never hurting a woman and my mentality about loyalty will always take prominence.

That said, not making excuses for no one - my opinions about male cheats has do with experience and what I know. I'm around different married folks from different backgrounds everyday, and it's more or less a norm cos almost everyone does it. The wives might be aware or oblivious to it, but it's more or less part of life for a lot of married men. Kind of like crime/breaking-the-law, where only those who get caught become criminals - but that doesn't negate the fact that almost everyone commits one crime or the other almost everyday. That's the reality. And people hate reality.

So, when the reality is like that: why are folks still trying to live in denial? Sometimes, rather than find the easy way out and not think things through - it's always better to look at the bigger picture and try other approaches. Communication? Counselling? Checking yourself and making yourself look new to ya spouse everyday? Re-inventing ya marriage? Etc..

See, marriage is a sacred union, with a loads of ups and downs, and those get to go all the way are those who can perserve and endure a lot of things and imperfections the journey would throw at them. It's a race with so many obstacles, and there's no problem in marriage that can't be fixed. Even if you get unhappy sometimes, time and your undying love for ya kids will heal that. I don't even want to get into details of what happened in my parent's marriage, but my mum is a warrior. Despite everything that happened, she stood her ground, and never ran off like a coward. And together, my parents raised 6 kids through some of the best Unis in this country. Now, they're like siamese twins always together laughing and enjoying each other's company. While all the single mums in her age bracket (her friends) are lonely and still jumping from one man's bed to the other.

Only the strong will survive.

happywife:


lol u see women need to start thinking this way then the men will learn. when de grinding ontop another woman they should picture their wives doing same only enjoying it more.

babygirlfl:


You have made some good and valid points. I wish all women with cheating partners have their stories ending in a happy way. Sadly it's not the case. While some will end in a "happy" way, most will not. You might pick up a deadly disease. The mistress might plot her way to take your home or even kill you. The man might father other children. The woman might develop other illness and the children might pick up the cheating habit.

I think it's time for men to start thinking about their kids too. For a long time, women have been told to do everything for their kids that they no longer have a life. I dislike when people talk about single mums in a horrible way. I don't understand why people look down on them. A woman that ended up becoming a single mum because the husband was cheating has done nothing wrong. Not every woman can tolerate a cheating spouse and we have to accept it. No one prays to end up as a single mum.

Trust me divorce is not the easier way out. It is usually the last option. Most people would have tried all the options above. Divorce is a painful process. I don't usually advice people to go for divorce because it is very difficult especially with kids involved. That is why if my advice in a thread or to a friend is towards divorce, I just stay away from that thread or if it's a friend in real life, I will tell her that that is a decision for her to make.

babygirlfl:

You have made some good and valid points. I wish all women with cheating partners have their stories ending in a happy way. Sadly it's not the case. While some will end in a "happy" way, most will not. You might pick up a deadly disease. The mistress might plot her way to take your home or even kill you. The man might father other children. The woman might develop other illness and the children might pick up the cheating habit.

I think it's time for men to start thinking about their kids too. For a long time, women have been told to do everything for their kids that they no longer have a life. I dislike when people talk about single mums in a horrible way. I don't understand why people look down on them. A woman that ended up becoming a single mum because the husband was cheating has done nothing wrong. Not every woman can tolerate a cheating spouse and we have to accept it. No one prays to end up as a single mum.

Trust me divorce is not the easier way out. It is usually the last option. Most people would have tried all the options above. Divorce is a painful process. I don't usually advice people to go for divorce because it is very difficult especially with kids involved. That is why if my advice in a thread or to a friend is towards divorce, I just stay away from that thread or if it's a friend in real life, I will tell her that that is a decision for her to make.

SirShymex:


From the bottom of my heart, mate.

Got love for Yields, and I'll never allow no one hurt her. She knows init.

ohaleoghene:



this your story gave me a bite in my tummy. so the husband knew he had HIV,was taking drugs and yet did not tell his wife so she could at least start her treatment too. men this one shake me. I think it takes only a discipline married man not to cheat. talking from experience

happywife:



were makin sense till u called me a useless woman. i actually consider myself a realist. i will not leave this cheating man cos i once considered him d holy grail of men. if he can change on me any other man can. so we will enjoy d life together.


men need to understand that women ve feeling too n temptation goes both ways.

jennykadry:


Dont worry. I will NEVER FIND MYSELF IN SUCH A SITUATION.

Aku ko

all4naija:

I know you are looking for a way to rock her world, my lyrical man. Bwahaha...

naijababe:
Onegai!!!! You be real bad a55 o

desdichando:
Hurrry and marrry b4 those wrinkles start to appear...u will soon clock 40

jennykadry:


Why should she even bother about her mum? She needs to move on. If she gets married to a man whose mother is alive...no harm in taking her mother inlaw as her mother

babyosisi:


Nne eh
If not that I am born again and trying to stay on the straight and narrow sometimes I want to advise the wife of a cheating husband to just go out and cheat to her heart's desire
What nonsense
There are a zillion men out there that can give her a good time
She may actually feel much better afterwards
For how long will somebody pray ?
You are praying,your man is shining Congo at Sheraton
You go night vigil shouting die die die,he is at Hilton and both him and the Okpeke are very much alive
You are jumping from one prayer house to another looking haggard and emaciated ,he is jumping from one bed to another happy
Why can't the Holy Spirit just allow women take matters into their own hands eh

Sorry folks
My flesh was speaking

voltron:
I feel your pain. (well not really).

I won't go around asking you to pray for him because quite frankly, it does not work. He will come around when he does (if he does)
If this was not within his character then you have to consider the following:

1: Where is all this coming from: are you recently married? was he under pressure to marry? are you both careers parents, have you had a disagreement in the past.. one that you stood your ground over a matter he was sensitive about, is he experiencing pressure or stress from work? has he recently been promoted? do you cook for him? are you paying for your family's upkeep (the one he married you from?) . contrary to the general assumption that a cheater is born a cheater.. cheating usually has its roots. A Man does not marry you if he intends to cheat on you. there are usually several dynamics to his behavior which you may have blissfully ignored over time.

2: How far gone is his behavior: Has his cheating become a habit or is he just venturing for the first time.. if he is venturing there is a good chance you can consider the above signs is question 1 above and try to right what went wrong. If it has become a habit. hanging out with friends late into the night. Friday nights out till Saturday morning, payment alerts to guest houses and hotels, stops providing allowances, instagram, BBM, badoo female friends.. then you may have to deal with this behavior with you and your kids interest in mind. Does he still provide at least for the kids if not you? Do not get emotional and try to confront him or report to his family (it only makes it worse and isolates you more). Take it logically, start improving your looks as well as your financial position (Self-improvement). cheating husbands are usually in debt and at risk of going broke or loosing their jobs i.e if they are not millionaires. You need to understand that as long as you present a weak position, he will only get bolder with time. seek to empower yourself and carefully guide your kids expectations (they are not fools, they can see what is happening)

What are your thoughts @OP.. can things honestly be salvaged, how much do you want your man back

voodoo85:
right... me... i wouldn't tolerate him at all. if such thing happens- rock&roll- door is open. men need to understand once and for all- if u want someone younger, someone with nicer booobs and ass, even if its for one night- u always can have it, but don't come back. who do u think i am? a trash? a doormat ? that u could clean your feet? fuuuck no. i wish all women would have self respect and wouldn't turn a blind eye to his adventures. and saying that oh 99% nigerian men r cheating- no need to make it a norm! if he cheated on u- r we talking about love between u 2? maybe u r talking about love but not him. if u r telling that u r staying with jst because of the kids- u r fooling yourself. yours and his relationship will change after his cheat and am sure kids will feel bad in family where parents don't talk with each other, dropping harsh comments etc.