It's 3:52am and I'm up again. Tired. Emotionally drained. Confused. Feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. Lost. Just one question ringing in my head - "How the F did I get here?"

I wish this was a journal filled with positive thoughts and uplifting words (snickers).. Nah.. This is about the story of my life. I find it hard to open up to people so I figured I'd just write to myself and hopefully someday, I'd read this.. and the current heaviness I feel - a distant memory.

Interestingly, my life has been such a roller coaster ride.. (lol)... quite interesting... perfect image of "Started from the bottom now we are here" (lol).. okay maybe not "there" yet but not doing badly. In my mid-thirties, got a great job I enjoy. Earn a decent income. Decent looks. Live in my own house. Married with two kids. Love my kids like crazyyyy! But the challenge is... I don't love my wife. It's a burden I carry. Been carrying it for a while, and now I'm just tired. I don't think I got married thinking I was going to end up in a divorce, but here I am - smack in the process of it and it is wearing me out.

I have often heard people say, "Endure.. Stick with it!.. Marriage is not a bed of roses.. etc.".. Yep! I tried.. I really did.. But mehn.. every single day, I feel a part of me dying.. and my fear is if I continue like this.. I probably won't get to 45. For my sanity, and emotional stability it's best I leave.

It's really not about pointing fingers saying "Oh! She's the bad one... or she did that.. I did this".. we've just gotten to the point where we are both not happy. And there are fundamentals I didn't think about before I got married. If I could go through a time machine and saw my younger self about to propose, I'd punch him in the face (lol).. or maybe I'd hesitate knowing that this union gave me gifts that I'd go through any form of fire and torment to have (i.e. my kids). Indeed I have thought about so many things. Will I end up alone for the rest of my life? Will I regret this? Is there some punishment waiting for me in future? Will this lead me into a deeper understanding of myself? Questions are endless... and I don't have the answers to them. But one thing I know is this... I must set myself free.

As I reflect, I now understand the importance of getting married to your friend. Unfortunately, I don't make friends that easy (face-palm)... I mean.. I have a gazillion acquaintances (lol).. but friends? I can count on one hand (since I was born)... Perhaps I should have spoken to her more.. Maybe it could have helped.. maybe not.. who knows? I really tried though, I recall when I started having suicidal thoughts, signs of manic depression, insomnia for days, stress.. I just knew there was only one option left.

Married her 18 months after I met her. No sex before Marriage (mutual choice). Stayed together for 7 years, no sex in the last 2 years (for medical reasons I knew about and thought I could handle - boy was I wrong!). I guess it's called the Superman syndrome - Unfortunately, I've lost my cape and can't fly anymore. I really hope we can stay friends after the process is complete - particularly for the sake of our kids. I am committed to playing my part in the life of my children - I would never forsake/ abandon them. Their paramount welfare remains paramount to me.

This process is really hard. Feels like I'm going through fire. My body hurts and my bones are weak. But then like the phoenix, I will arise from the ashes of my predecessor.

Hmmmm, this is deep. Wish you all the bt in whatever decision you make. Just make the kids paramount in your dealings.

I feel ur pain bro.. But, is there really, really, no way out? Does she want a divorce too? Have u considered separating for a while to clear ur head, to see if divorce will make u really free? Are u convinced divorce is really the answer?

Even if you married your best friend and she had health issues, would you still have complained like this?

Hmmm
Is divorce really your last resort?
Have you really prayed about it?
Seeing to the welfare of your kids is way more than giving them what they want or providing their needs.

Divay22:
Hmmm
Is divorce really your last resort?
Have you really prayed about it?
Seeing to the welfare of your kids is way more than giving them what they want or providing their needs.

Food for thought.

Thats why prayer has to be intense before you get into marriage so that one will not end up regretting later on. Prayer should be the first resort.

Yea.. thanks.. sure will...

modelmike7:
Hmmmm, this is deep.
Wish you all the bt in whatever decision you make.
Just make the kids paramount in your dealings.

What were the 'fundamentals' you didn't take cognizance of before you proposed to her?

Separation is probably also an option. Though we've been living separated for the better part of 2 years. Same house but barely speaking. Does she want a divorce too? She's pretty much indifferent. Our lawyers are already speaking to each other. The bone of contention is more of the terms - so there's a bit of haggling (lol)..About if it is really the answer? I think it's more of a workable solution for both of us. It may be better for the kids to have two homes where they experience love from both parents than to have one where they witness such "unfamiliarity" between two parents.

Libo45:
I feel ur pain bro.. But, is there really, really, no way out? Does she want a divorce too? Have u considered separating for a while to clear ur head, to see if divorce will make u really free? Are u convinced divorce is really the answer?

She always had the health issue so I was aware when I asked to marry her. I think I may have "over-estimated" my capacity, and in this regard. Though this is also just ONE of the many issues we face.

I recall asking her once, "If the tables were turned and I was the one with your health issue, would you have married me?" and she said "No". I think something in me died that day. I think true and sincere friendship goes much deeper. I believe that I would have served in a better capacity as her friend than her husband. Like I said, I guess my "Superman" instinct kicked in.

Back to your question, would I still have complained? Maybe not. Because I have a tendency to stick out my neck for those that have my back, and would do same if tables were turned.

dingbang:
Even if you married your best friend and she had health issues, would you still have complained like this?

LOL. Prayers? Indeed I have prayed. But right now, I seem to be losing my religion. I tried praying again early this morning and the only words that came out of my mouth were "Please, help me". This has been on my mind for quite a while.

On the welfare bit, I totally agree. I'll do the best I can and I pray the Lord grants me the strength to.

Divay22:
Hmmm
Is divorce really your last resort?
Have you really prayed about it?
Seeing to the welfare of your kids is way more than giving them what they want or providing their needs.

I totally agree with you on this. Prayer and also using your head rather than your heart.

yvesboss:


Food for thought.

Thats why prayer has to be intense before you get into marriage so that one will not end up regretting later on. Prayer should be the first resort.

Wow. Quite a few. But i'll list a few. lol

- Someone that could make me happy. I just thought if I made her happy, it would be automatic. Unfortunately, it's not so and surprisingly I don't think I make her happy.
- The spectrum between our mental processing inclinations. I'm like 70% nerd but she is like -70% nerd. lol. My thinking then was this would provide some balance for the kids.
- Future goals/ aspirations are very different. We have both evolved into two different individuals and in divergent directions.
- Family background. Different tribes. We were both raised by single parents. Hers got separated and mom remarried, my dad passed and mom never remarried. So it seems we both had ideals that weren't matched with reality. Interestingly, I connect more with her dad than her step-dad.
- I'm pretty empathetic so maybe I was looking for someone to "rescue". That wasn't what she needed. I probably was carried away by my "ego" and misinterpretation of love and commitment.
- My friends/ family members felt I was making a mistake but didn't talk to me about it - or maybe I didn't provide them with an opportunity to provide counsel.

Janeyinspires:
What were the 'fundamentals' you didn't take cognizance of before you proposed to her?

this your thread is very deep,do not even know what to say, it's for matured minds

I pray for your family, for Gods peace in your lives.whatever decision you make, pls put your kids at the forefront. Don't for any reason try to say anything negative abt each other when they visit.

Lol. I can be pretty intense..

felixzo1:
this your thread is very deep,do not even know what to say, it's for matured minds

Amen. Peace that surpasses all human understanding. My kids will always remain at the forefront. About saying negative things.. I really doubt that from her. I have never and will never say anything negative about her. Whatever our personal issues are.. she is and will always be the mother of my kids.

Abiagirl777:
I pray for your family, for Gods peace in your lives.whatever decision you make, pls put your kids at the forefront. Don't for any reason try to say anything negative abt each other when they visit.

I pray that you find peace in this situation. However when I look at all the long-term marriages I have witnessed, there is usually not an overwhelming sense of happiness. When the sex goes, most people cheat on their partners and just enjoy the marriage. The reason is that the sex always declines at some point in the marriage. It doesn't matter who you're with or how good it was in the beginning.

Many people are really just married in name and enjoy having the title. They may not really care much for their spouse, but they care for the marriage. I worry that once you move on, you're going to find yourself in another marriage feeling the same way. Remember those flowery feelings always go away and you end up feeling empty again.

I know a man in his 60s who has been in a perpetual state of moving forward every 10 years with a new woman. He can never find what he wants, because he hasn't realized yet that those feelings always go away. I wish you the best.

Damn

Pretty insightful. One of my lessons is that there are three major pillars that help for a successful marriage - Communication, Sex and Finance. None should be treated lightly.. I've also heard about people "managing" the marriage title. Its absurd. I find it difficult to understand how you can enjoy a marriage and cheat on the partner. I think they have an inverse relationship.. or perhaps another ideal that I may have erroneously believed. Time will tell.

I think it's too early to be thinking about another marriage now. I need to heal. Irrespective of the circumstances.... a huge chunk of me is being severed.

FortuneTeller:
I pray that you find peace in this situation. However when I look at all the long-term marriages I have witnessed, there is usually not an overwhelming sense of happiness. When the sex goes, most people cheat on their partners and just enjoy the marriage. The reason is that the sex always declines at some point in the marriage. It doesn't matter who you're with or how good it was in the beginning.

Many people are really just married in name and enjoy having the title. They may not really care much for their spouse, but they care for the marriage. I worry that once you move on, you're going to find yourself in another marriage feeling the same way. Remember those flowery feelings always go away and you end up feeling empty again.

I know a man in his 60s who has been in a perpetual state of moving forward every 10 years with a new woman. He can never find what he wants, because he hasn't realized yet that those feelings always go away. I wish you the best.

Said that like 12 billion times.. and still saying it.. Damn! Lol

elektra:
Damn

Risingphoenix12:
She always had the health issue so I was aware when I asked to marry her. I think I may have "over-estimated" my capacity, and in this regard. Though this is also just ONE of the many issues we face.

I recall asking her once, "If the tables were turned and I was the one with your health issue, would you have married me?" and she said "No". I think something in me died that day. I think true and sincere friendship goes much deeper. I believe that I would have served in a better capacity as her friend than her husband. Like I said, I guess my "Superman" instinct kicked in.

Back to your question, would I still have complained? Maybe not. Because I have a tendency to stick out my neck for those that have my back, and would do same if tables were turned.

bros this is marriage....not normal day to day friendship... She told you no... That should have mmeant to you something.. Like me now, if I get to know a girl has health issues I can't cope with, that relationship will not continue.

I have an ex who told me she has pneumonia... Mehn.. I ended that Rship slowly because in her family, its hereditary.. So in times like this, you have to throw away such nice attitude and embrace reality. I don't allow love come in contact with reality, once I find out that something will likely cause a problem in our marriage if I marry the girl, then I won't marry her

Indeed. Lol. Like they say hindsight is 20/20.

dingbang:
bros this is marriage....not normal day to day friendship... She told you no... That should have mmeant to you something.. Like me now, if I get to know a girl has health issues I can't cope with, that relationship will not continue.

I have an ex who told me she has pneumonia... Mehn.. I ended that Rship slowly because in her family, its hereditary.. So in times like this, you have to throw away such nice attitude and embrace reality. I don't allow love come in contact with reality, once I find out that something will likely cause a problem in our marriage if I marry the girl, then I won't marry her

I state it again and again....never marry out of pity. The one you pity today may lead to your madness tomorrow. Marry who you can live with and not who you think you can cope or change. Shit gets worse after marriage because they feel they have achieved their goal.

God help me.

What matters most is happiness. You should do what makes you happy. Life is too short.

Wow!

FortuneTeller:
I pray that you find peace in this situation. However when I look at all the long-term marriages I have witnessed, there is usually not an overwhelming sense of happiness. When the sex goes, most people cheat on their partners and just enjoy the marriage. The reason is that the sex always declines at some point in the marriage. It doesn't matter who you're with or how good it was in the beginning.

Many people are really just married in name and enjoy having the title. They may not really care much for their spouse, but they care for the marriage. I worry that once you move on, you're going to find yourself in another marriage feeling the same way. Remember those flowery feelings always go away and you end up feeling empty again.

I know a man in his 60s who has been in a perpetual state of moving forward every 10 years with a new woman. He can never find what he wants, because he hasn't realized yet that those feelings always go away. I wish you the best.

I don't know what to say.
Thank You for posting this.

I hold this perception that if ever you're going to do something, then just do it already and do it big while at it...there's no need depressing yourself further by making a journal out of this, but that's just me.

Self-realization! I'll continue to say it, the point in life at which one achieved self-realization marks the beginning of his/her true journey on earth. Therefore, one should endeavor to reach this point in life before venturing into marriage.

I understand your position perfectly well. The worst mistake anyone can ever make is marrying someone of an opposite ethical leanings, lifestyle and belief system. Only differences in personalities, economic and political ideologies, and ethnicities can be managed.

As bitter as it may seem, both of you should put emotions aside and embrace reason, telling each other that you're separating/divorcing not because either of you is an outright evil but because you're not compatible. Yes, it's possible to remain friends in good faith after separating, it's all about understanding.

True that!

orbis:
I state it again and again....never marry out of pity. The one you pity today may lead to your madness tomorrow. Marry who you can live with and not who you think you can cope or change. Shit gets worse after marriage because they feel they have achieved their goal.

God help me.

True that.

Ginaz:
What matters most is happiness. You should do what makes you happy. Life is too short.