baby124:

You can leave your comment and move on without quoting me on things that are not clear to you. I am obviously not the only one that said OP married out of pity. What does superman complex and some other words mean?. I won't bother wasting my time to go back and quote the OP on matters that have been concluded. Don't quote me again.

I admire your sensibility. I actually took time to go through what you and op wrote each at a time. You made sense, he did too. But the truth is we can never understand people's predicament if it isn't ours, and when it's us, it's usually about us. I think op should look into himself more and try to figure out the why. You do write well and seem understanding as well, if you can write more and point out more reasons, you might actually save someone's life. Fighting is totally unecessary.. Keep up

Wow... Lol.. This just goes to show how emotionally attached we are to the subject - whatever part of the divide you are in.

I think I mentioned that this is also a process of introspection for me - which means I am looking within. And yes interestingly, all through this.. I more of blame myself than her. There are certain aspects that I'd rather not share (e.g. medical condition, sensitive info etc) because I know that there are others who may be going through same and there may be unintended consequences.

Some of the reasons I think may be responsible are listed below... (Please they'll be more about what I could have or should have done... ) Caveat- This may not work for everyone, just product of my thoughts.

1. I promised what i couldn't deliver. A lifetime is a pretty loooong time. I raised everyone's hopes and now I've dashed them. I am entirely to blame for this. I should have counted my costs before setting out.

2. Listen to mentors and people that have experience in such marital matters. Interestingly, now that I reach out to them, almost all of them saw it coming BEFORE the wedding, but no one could tell me because they felt I wouldn't listen. I was far gone - head over heels in love. Like they say, " love is blind but marriage is an eye opener". I should have encouraged them to speak.

3. It's not bad to be a bit selfish at the point of choosing. Think about what you want and be sure that's what you truly desire/need. Imagine worse case scenarios... when you'd fall out of love.. would you still want to stay? Etc. I didn't think deeply enough.

4. When married... keep building the friendship. Try to develop together. Understand your selves and how you are both evolving. Be interested in the other person's life. I think I lost interest at some point. I had a cursory oversight but nothing too deep.

5. Knacks (Sex) is key. Now this is going to sound somehow (lol) to the religious folk but the no sex till marriage didn't work in my favour.

6. During the troublesome times, learn to grieve individually and together. Our first issue was a stillbirth at full term. It changed us in different ways - i think. We never grieved together. I should have created the opportunity.

I'll stop here for now... And perhaps write some more upon further introspection.

baby124:

You can leave your comment and move on without quoting me on things that are not clear to you. I am obviously not the only one that said OP married out of pity. What does superman complex and some other words mean?. I won't bother wasting my time to go back and quote the OP on matters that have been concluded. Don't quote me again.

Well I probably did wrong by quoting you, but then it's a public forum and I can quote anyone

Take it easy, we mustn't see things same way and you don't have to sound harsh to drive your point.

Who pilfered joy from Baby124's tits? She seems rather choleric over nothing, for lack of clear understanding of the OP's intentions perhaps.

Writing down one's troubles has always had a therapeutic quality, it's akin to singing one's problems to the sympathetic ear of a friend. Methinks that's why the OP decided to do just that. Methinks too that it's within his discretion to either be elaborative or reticient with the information he wishes to divulge. I was moved by the striking sincerity of emotion his words conveyed and was deeply enjoying the narrative before Madame killjoy aka Baby124 started her wahala.

Let me give my say on your latest introspections; at the centre of them all, i saw only one thing-SEX.
1. You promised what you couldnt deliver because you knew you(your person) could go almost any length for a friend and much more for a wife but you didnt know you cant sacrifice certain things for even saving your life because they are your life or make you, so what's the point sacrificing. You would understand better if for instance you are asked to give up your nerd self for something opposite.
2. When you are in love it is quite difficult to recieve a wisdom/full knowledge you do not have the common sense/basic knowledge for unless you want to follow blindly or as a child which means the love and trust for the wisdom source more than the one you fell into.
3. Yes it is good to be a bit selfish if you see it that way, everyone is at some point but No, not selfishness if you see it this way; that you cant sacrifice your nerd nature for anything because that's you, your core.
4. It will only take maturity in varying degree to continously be interested in, give happiness to one who doesnt reciprocate and such maturity usually dont come before a first experience.
5. Dont shade the faith yet. What you would have done for one with your exposed level was to have been adequately informed, aware of your body from the urges, thoughts and reactions to sex, sex-ducations etc before marriage.
Know yourself well so you dont take again what will make you not feel you. You may need look critically at the things you can't take lest you think they will complement you like the other aspects of her.
6. Were you already frustrated at the lack of sex? cost it took to make baby? so much saw baby as consolation? Ignorance? That you couldnt bring yourself to mourn with and comfort each other, give more light.

1. I read a psychological analysis of how many humans tend to exaggerate our good qualities.

Many of us think we are prettier, smarter, nicer better than we actually are. And sometimes this leads us to exaggerate what we can take on, bear and it makes it easy to bite more than we can chew.

So it's really understandable how one will marry someone with health issues thinking he/she can cope until we find ourselves in it and realize it's way more than we bargain for. So I understand marrying her might not have been out of pity.

But then again it might have been out pity �

3. One needs to have a certain level of selfishness at the point of choosing

5. Except for situations where the partners are asexual, both incapable of having sex or made a commitment to not have sex. Not having sex for 2 years would affect any type of marriage, the sexual frustration seeps into other parts of the marriage and intimacy is one of the top 5 issue in marriage, it can make or break a marriage. So it's not about not having pre marital sex.

6. Grieve can bring a couple closer or seperate them. Based on the the grieving process of both parties.

Hmm... deep thoughts. Thanks for this.

@6 - I think i was already frustrated a few months into the marriage. Its not fun knowing there's a 70% chance you'd be rushing her to the hospital after having sex or seeing her writhe in pain/ self medicating with injections. I think I just wanted to prove to the world and myself that she could bear kids. So the stillbirth was a downer and I think I lost a bit of my essence.

She went to her mom's to heal.. And came back after sometime. I used to go visit her then. So after her grieving process, i think we just stepped back into normal cycle, albeit with my fractured self.

With my assesment/ understanding of the situation - i knew I had to optimize each sex session. It was mostly done for procreation and during ovulation. I never masturbated in my life till I got married.. (lol). And both times she got pregnant, I ensured she received the best healthcare possible which has yielded beautiful results. (Smiles)

So maybe it's that sense of completion of objective that triggered my decision to leave. I'm not sure.. just trying to follow/analyse my thought process.

@5 apologies if it seemed like I shaded the faith. That wasn't my intention. Was just sharing my experience.

GHoJes:
Let me give my say on your latest introspections; at the centre of them all, i saw only one thing-SEX.
1. You promised what you couldnt deliver because you knew you(your person) could go almost any length for a friend and much more for a wife but you didnt know you cant sacrifice certain things for even saving your life because they are your life or make you, so what's the point sacrificing. You would understand better if for instance you are asked to give up your nerd self for something opposite.
2. When you are in love it is quite difficult to recieve a wisdom/full knowledge you do not have the common sense/basic knowledge for unless you want to follow blindly or as a child which means the love and trust for the wisdom source more than the one you fell into.
3. Yes it is good to be a bit selfish if you see it that way, everyone is at some point but No, not selfishness if you see it this way; that you cant sacrifice your nerd nature for anything because that's you, your core.
4. It will only take maturity in varying degree to continously be interested in, give happiness to one who doesnt reciprocate and such maturity usually dont come before a first experience.
5. Dont shade the faith yet. What you would have done for one with your exposed level was to have been adequately informed, aware of your body from the urges, thoughts and reactions to sex, sex-ducations etc before marriage.
Know yourself well so you dont take again what will make you not feel you. You may need look critically at the things you can't take lest you think they will complement you like the other aspects of her.
6. Were you already frustrated at the lack of sex? cost it took to make baby? so much saw baby as consolation? Ignorance? That you couldnt bring yourself to mourn with and comfort each other, give more light.

Thanks Sissie.

Sissie:

Luxed...


Temitope will forgive you over and over again.


Just say I am sorry..

dingbang:
Luxed...


Temitope will forgive you over and over again.


Just say I am sorry..

I have begged. Over and over again. His last message to me was that he would curse me if I contact him again. I can't imagine staying mad at him for a whole day but I guess hating me will heal his heart

Luxed:


I have begged. Over and over again. His last message to me was that he would curse me if I contact him again. I can't imagine staying mad at him for a whole day but I guess hating me will heal his heart

awww... I can't say further..

Hmmm...

Its sad, selfish, but no point blaming you further than you are going through, also because you set out with a seemingly good intention(pity) but was plain ignorance. The zest to prove you were man enough, wmelancholic taking charge; where you that young?
You are very right, it was the only picture, objective you took into and brought out of the marriage.

That was a gory experience you both went through. I plead you to get her introspections, she might not easily yield but friendly persist and ins:/ist. If you get this right, you May be her friend and hero for life as well as give your kids (at whose expense you both selfishly decided) the best despite being separated. She was selfish to accept what she can't give. Trust me, you didn't know but she knew you might not reach the finish line. still I don't think she is altogether indifferent as you think, she just may not be expressing the emotions the way you are used to. It could somewhat be mutual.

Valid points. Lol @ quite young. I think it was more of being very naive - that was my second real relationship. Morever I erroneously believed it was part of being a good man - giving one's self totally and wholly without restraint - perhaps the melancholic side of me. Now I know better - albeit at great cost.

I do agree that we can give the kids the very best despite being separated. That remains my objective.

GHoJes:
Its sad, selfish, but no point blaming you further than you are going through, also because you set out with a seemingly good intention(pity) but was plain ignorance. The zest to prove you were man enough, wmelancholic taking charge; where you that young?
You are very right, it was the only picture, objective you took into and brought out of the marriage.

That was a gory experience you both went through. I plead you to get her introspections, she might not easily yield but friendly persist and ins:/ist. If you get this right, you May be her friend and hero for life as well as give your kids (at whose expense you both selfishly decided) the best despite being separated. She was selfish to accept what she can't give. Trust me, you didn't know but she knew you might not reach the finish line. still I don't think she is altogether indifferent as you think, she just may not be expressing the emotions the way you are used to. It could somewhat be mutual.

I have been following this post since its onset and my heart goes out to the OP. In as much as some persons are inferring its a cooked up story but how about giving him a benefit of doubt. Not only wives, even husbands suffer in marriages (though in our society wives are almost synonymous with suffering). We should try to be emphatic in certain situations. For the OP, writing is therapeutic so before anyone starts playing "The Judge" please read through properly before posting. Sincerely we can ONLY imagine what may have happened.

I have been following this post since it started. I won't pitch tents or sides. We can't hear from Op's wife so we won't really know how far the emotional damage has been done to both sides. Who gets married out of pity? Who gets married for sex? I thought marriage is about sacrifices,commitment and love. My heart goes out to those kids sha.
There are 3 sides to every story , your side,your partner's and the truth

Thanks.

ifegadinma:
I have been following this post since its onset and my heart goes out to the OP. In as much as some persons are inferring its a cooked up story but how about giving him a benefit of doubt. Not only wives, even husbands suffer in marriages (though in our society wives are almost synonymous with suffering). We should try to be emphatic in certain situations. For the OP, writing is therapeutic so before anyone starts playing "The Judge" please read through properly before posting. Sincerely we can ONLY imagine what may have happened.

Thanks. The objective of this thread really isn't for tent-pitching and I believe if it was my spouse that was narrating the story - it would come across differently because it would be her perspective. I equally agree with you that the emotional damage has been quite significant for both of us. However I'm not sure questions like these (Who gets married out of pity? Who gets married for sex?) are of much help at this point but I agree with this statement ------> I thought marriage is about sacrifices, commitment and love., therefore it is important that we all assess how far we are really willing to go before plunging in.

As for three sides to every story - IMHO, the truth (the 3rd side) is a matter of perspective. It really depends on how we see things. All in all, I believe we all agree on one thing: the paramount welfare of the children remains paramount to everybody.

In truth, my heart also goes out to my spouse for the whole situation. Though I believe that we can remain friends afterwards - which may help to minimize the impact on the children - hopefully.

remsonik:
I have been following this post since it started. I won't pitch tents or sides. We can't hear from Op's wife so we won't really know how far the emotional damage has been done to both sides. Who gets married out of pity? Who gets married for sex? I thought marriage is about sacrifices,commitment and love. My heart goes out to those kids sha.
There are 3 sides to every story , your side, your partner's and the truth

Risingphoenix12:
As I reflect, I now understand the importance of getting married to your friend. Unfortunately, I don't make friends that easy (face-palm)... I mean.. I have a gazillion acquaintances (lol).. but friends? I can count on one hand (since I was born)... Perhaps I should have spoken to her more.. Maybe it could have helped.. maybe not.. who knows? I really tried though, I recall when I started having suicidal thoughts, signs of manic depression, insomnia for days, stress.. I just knew there was only one option left.

Married her 18 months after I met her. No sex before Marriage (mutual choice). Stayed together for 7 years, no sex in the last 2 years (for medical reasons I knew about and thought I could handle - boy was I wrong!). I guess it's called the Superman syndrome - Unfortunately, I've lost my cape and can't fly anymore. I really hope we can stay friends after the process is complete - particularly for the sake of our kids. I am committed to playing my part in the life of my children - I would never forsake/ abandon them. Their paramount welfare remains paramount to me.

This process is really hard. Feels like I'm going through fire. My body hurts and my bones are weak. But then like the phoenix, I will arise from the ashes of my predecessor.

take out the health issue bro. You are telling my story. I can perfectly relate with your feelings dear, i felt I was suffocating, i was so depressed and cried my eyes out. Finally i had the courage to leave with my 2 boys ( thanks to my family and fin group on facebook). Never again will i subject myself to this kind of torture in the name of marriage. I hope to share my story someday. You will be fine, just stay strong and if you need someone to talk to, am here

Luxed:

Thank you. We dated for 5 years and he hurt me over and over through those years. I moved on but he played the suicide card and I gave in. I told him my feelings were dead before the marriage. I stay up crying most nights and he knows it's because of how I feel. I stayed to make him happy but I'm so unhappy. I can't spend the rest of my life like this, I have to get out.

my ex played that fuckibg card with me, I didn't look back even though 4 yrs went down the drain.I'm married to someone else and yet he still disturbs us but I'm happier and safer.

bukatyne:


Thanks

Cc: crackhaus & Risingphoenix12

That comment is ironic and I should be the one mentioning you in reference to it.
You people are usually the ones preaching divorce at every little thing last time I checked, or have things changed during my absence...

Thanks Katier00 for reaching out. Appreciate the offer.

Katier00:
take out the health issue bro. You are telling my story. I can perfectly relate with your feelings dear, i felt I was suffocating, i was so depressed and cried my eyes out. Finally i had the courage to leave with my 2 boys ( thanks to my family and fin group on facebook). Never again will i subject myself to this kind of torture in the name of marriage. I hope to share my story someday. You will be fine, just stay strong and if you need someone to talk to, am here

Divay22:

Had a great gym session yesterday. Read through the comments but I was so tired I couldn't lift my thumbs to be pressing phone.

Took another step in my healing process. I shared this link with one of my friends. She is 999% anti-divorce (lol). Will be interesting to hear what she thinks next time we meet. I'd been running a course on Coursera dot com. It's an interesting site with access to a wide genre of courses, from top universities around the world, to which you can enrol for a small fee. And for the first time in a long while, I slept all through the night - i guess I was swamped from the gym. But I also think it's because penning/ sharing my thoughts has helped in getting them off my chest. Thanks to everyone for the comments and also to those that are peeping.

Mehn... my thighs and shoulders still hurt.... i think my gym instructor has something against me.

Oya.. off to work.

Risingphoenix12:
Had a great gym session yesterday. Read through the comments but I was so tired I couldn't lift my thumbs to be pressing phone.

Took another step in my healing process. I shared this link with one of my friends. She is 999% anti-divorce (lol). Will be interesting to hear what she thinks next time we meet. I'd been running a course on Coursera dot com. It's an interesting site with access to a wide genre of courses, from top universities around the world, to which you can enrol for a small fee. And for the first time in a long while, I slept all through the night - i guess I was swamped from the gym. But I also think it's because penning/ sharing my thoughts has helped in getting them off my chest. Thanks to everyone for the comments and also to those that are peeping.

Mehn... my thighs and shoulders still hurt.... i think my gym instructor has something against me.

Oya.. off to work.

Coursera is too greedy. Try edx.org

Wow! Thanks. Just did a quick search and I like what I see. I'll probe deeper.

Guitarlife:

Coursera is too greedy. Try edx.org

Risingphoenix12:
Thanks. The objective of this thread really isn't for tent-pitching and I believe if it was my spouse that was narrating the story - it would come across differently because it would be her perspective. I equally agree with you that the emotional damage has been quite significant for both of us. However I'm not sure questions like these (Who gets married out of pity? Who gets married for sex?) are of much help at this point but I agree with this statement ------> I thought marriage is about sacrifices, commitment and love., therefore it is important that we all assess how far we are really willing to go before plunging in.

As for three sides to every story - IMHO, the truth (the 3rd side) is a matter of perspective. It really depends on how we see things. All in all, I believe we all agree on one thing: the paramount welfare of the children remains paramount to everybody.

In truth, my heart also goes out to my spouse for the whole situation. Though I believe that we can remain friends afterwards - which may help to minimize the impact on the children - hopefully.

Sorry I just see you both as selfish. Your children are too young to go through the emotional torture.

Thanks.

remsonik:

Sorry I just see you both as selfish. Your children are too young to go through the emotional torture.

remsonik:

Sorry I just see you both as selfish. Your children are too young to go through the emotional torture.

Fvck off will ya? Sheesh!

shaybebaby:
Fvck off will ya? Sheesh!

Calm down don't be too aggressive at people,hope ur day I going fine

crackhaus:

That comment is ironic and I should be the one mentioning you in reference to it.
You people are usually the ones preaching divorce at every little thing last time I checked, or have things changed during my absence...

Can you pull up 5 of my posts where I told people to divorce at every little thing?

I am getting older than this shit.