₦airaland Forum

aslan333: Are women meant to like wrestling? My elder sister does and she used me to practice her moves while we were growing up. Am not saying am a wimp or anything it’s just that she took my fathers size and strength and left me with very little. But now we’re all grown up and it’s a happy time in the family because my elder sister has finally found Mr. Right. She has had her fair share of guy troubles (which she is very sensitive about) so we’re thankful she’ll soon be strolling down the aisle. With so much love in the air I decide to send my sister a bible verse on love and ask my wife to text one to me. She sends me 1John 4vs 7&8 and I tuck it away to be sent later that day.

Its 4 o’clock and I get a call from my wife, she says my sister is at my place fuming over a bible verse I sent and she wants to know what I sent to her. I check my phone and see I sent John 4vs 18 instead of 1 John 4vs 7 &8 and the bible verse I sent reads “I know you have no husband infact you have had five husbands and the man you're with isn’t even your husband”. Memories of childhood beatings come flooding back but I shrug them off. I am a man now; my sister can’t come to MY house and intimidate me. I’ll just go home and tell her it was all a little mistake.

Its 5o’clock and as I open the front door I see my elder sister’s bloodshot eyes staring through a window. The minute she sees me she rushes at me looking like an electrocuted bush rat. I take off with speed that would make usain bolt jealous. As I sprint to my car I hear her shouting “Na me you dey call ashawo, wait make I show you how I dey cut firewood for house” I make it to my car and speed off. As a wise man once said “he who lives to run away…………………… or something like that

As I drive I ask “why me?” and a voice replies “why not you?”hmmmmmmmmmmm. This situation is more serious then I thought. There’s only one person that can cool down my elder sister and that’s my belligerent grandma. As I begin dialing her number I remember she has a serious hearing problem so I drive over to pick her up instead. It will all be sorted out in no time

Its 6.30p.m and I am on my way home with grandma. As I drive I look in the rear view mirror and grandma asks “what are you looking at boy? Nothing grandma just my reflection. You have got an erection? No ma I said I was just looking at my reflection. What is it about your reflection that’s giving you an erection? You got problems boy. I sigh; this is going to be a long day.

Its 8.30p.m and I enjoy a cold shower. After alot of explaining we settled it all with minimal violence. As I walk downstairs to cuddle my wife I see her watching a sci –fi film on television. There’s this man in a spaceship with frantic eyes, sweating profusely and screaming location 123, location 123, you sent me the wrong co-ordinates am not heading to the moon am heading to the sun. Apollo 16 this is location, we can’t hear you. I said you sent the wrong co-ordinates AM HEADING TO THE SUN. This is location, we cant heeeeeeeeeear you. Well I definitely know how that films going to end. My wife hears me, turns off the T.V and puts on Kenny G. As we cuddle together I think of her and my lovely daughter and say to myself “this is the life” a voice asks “why you?” and I reply “why not me”

tobechi74:
I was informing my brother that every word has an opposite.
He asked me

what is d opposite of OPPOSITE?

I stared at him 4 minutes dumbfounded.
Plz wat d ansa nairaland?

tobechi74:
I was informing my brother that every word has an opposite.
He asked me

what is d opposite of OPPOSITE?

I stared at him 4 minutes dumbfounded.
Plz wat d ansa nairaland?

Ishilove: Merci. I'll do me best,God help me

Ishilove: You had fun,ba? Good for you.

I'm a reserved person so I didn't exactly have 'fun'. Those who could have given me fun experiences, corpers and civilians alike, had an unflattering fondness for my knees and waist . No thank you very much. I chose to take my chances with the Wasimi farmers, turkeys, goats and 'kotonkan'. At least these set of creatures are predictable. Well,except for the goats... Do you know that goats eat fish??!!

I made this startling discovery the day I kept two roasted 'eja Hawusa' (Hausa fish) outside. I had bought the fish in Ondo main market some days before,and since I wasn't ready to use them,I left them outside my mud hut to dry in the blazing sun. Less than ten mintes later, I came out to spread my laundry. After spreading, I was about to re-enter my hut when something stopped me.

Something seemed . . . off . . .

Standing under the hot sun, feeling hot and icky, I was still wondering what was amiss when my eyes casually fell on the tray I had placed the fish. The tray lay gleaming dully in the midday sun sans fish. Before I could stop myself, I howled "What da fucck?!!" (I usually resort to french when I'm upset). Who was the bloody thief that had stolen my fish in less than ten minutes?!? Had they been timing my movements?!? My neighbour, Mummy Nurse, attracted by my rants came to enquire what had upset her bespectacled, usually reserved, quietly intense corper neighbour. By this time my glasses lay askew on my face and I was foaming at the mouth. I know its just fish but I had had serious plans for the fish, and besides I paid good money for it, so I deserve my money's worth,right??

I reported this spectacular theft to Mummy Nurse, liberally spraying her face with spittle while I was at it. She made her investigations and it was discovered that my neighbour's nanny goat was the only creature abroad in the less than ten minutes it took for my fish to grow legs and dance off merrily into the sunset. I suddenly remembered that the goat had rigmaroled the area shortly before I came to drop the fish outside, and she had stood a little distance off, watching me as I innocently placed the fish outside.

I thought goats ate only grass! So goats eat fish!? Mummy Nurse solemnly answered in the affirmative. I was . . .embarassed. Good thing nobody was around when I was letting rip the stream of "sheeit"s and "fucck"s

I ended up eating my soup with eja Shawa