₦airaland Forum

As for the lady who chatted her husband up to test his fidelity and got the shocker of her life. What you should do is to confront your husband and register your displeasure/disgust/humiliation etc, he most likely will apologize and probably not use those lines again if he were to flirt again. But I can assure this lady that her hubby never wished her death, only that some stupid men can deny their mother just to please or woo a girl. I have seen ladies too who deny their poor parents or claim dead parents because of fake social status. Either way ... Life goes ON.

There are many secrets in marriage you may never understand as a young man or woman. One couple may wrong the other, the aggrieved party refuses to forgive and begins to behave irresponsibly. Sometimes in ability to resolve prolonged disputes results in dying or dead LOVE. Actions like this begin to manifest. You may never know the role your mum played in the whole saga, but from the information available your father is wrong for these actions and its equally not your business if he performs his fatherly obligations of love, care and providing for your needs.

OP, You will never believe the statistics of married women who cheat. A really good number do but the frequency may not equal her husband but the bottom line is that they all cheat. You assumed a high percentage of men cheat cos Nigerian married men are seen openly in hotels, clubs and hangouts chat up ladies and runz girls and take them to their rooms or drive away with them. Most times they talk about their escapades with their guys or friends and because they think they can get away with infidelity they often tend to be more careless. In the same manner married women also do cheat, but because the consequences of such action is highly frowned upon by the Nigerian society, they tend to be very discreet. if they shared such info with their best friends and allies as singles, they will never do so as wives thereby making most married women appear to be saints. In the corporate environment, you will see what married women do with male colleagues when they are on official assignment outside the city of their residence. The ones occupying positions of power in offices behave in a similar manner like men with younger male staff. If they were male prostitutes hanging out like female prostitutes do, a lot of married women who lodge in hotels would have taken that advantage like men. OP, if you know a catholic priest in Nigeria who will be sincere with you on the number of cheating wives you will be shocked at what you will hear. That will give you a fair sample of the general population. Remember the trending increased rate of failed paternity tests.Like I said earlier, all these runz girls and young girls with multiple partners don't turn saints overnight after marriage, most become very discreet. Husbands are usually custodian of diseases because they are careless unlike wives, even when wives are careless they give you reasons to avoid sex until they properly treat themselves. If your statistics of cheating men were not outrageous, this subject would not have been debated this far.

trexlewis:
[b]Op I understand your fears and I agree your very correct, but you need to know most men cheat because they know they can get away with it easily. You see in Nigeria, cheating married men is a norm because they believe you have no choice because your soley dependent on him. This isn't the same with rich women, check very well if a woman is rich and don't depend on her husband the man will sit up and be very careful with what he does around her. This is why Nigerian men don't want their wives to become financially independent! They want her to sit at home and do nothing and when you suggest a relative as a nanny they counter it immediately. The owner of my sec school back then is so rich, all the flit of cars belongs to her and to top it up she is a barrister! Ask these useless men here fighting you if they can marry such a lady and you here spill trash all over the place calling her a hooker. Yes Linda isn't married and we all know why, she raised her standard and guess what Nigerian men are scared of such ladies because they know cheating will surely end the game and she will go with the kids and kick you out because she has more financial power. If you are feed up with what you see you know what to do. Become very successful and educated no man will joke with you. *Drops the mic* [/b]

This is not about financial power. Some married women cheat against wealthy husband who travel all the time and do not spend enough time with them. Some men also cheat against their rich wives for same reasons or more. People who do not take the kind of actions you propose either do so because kids are already involved or place a certain value on marriage not necessarily because they are financial dependent. There are female professors who their husband cheat. Tiger Wood and Bill Clinton cheated but the actions of the spouses were different...note Hillary was never financial dependent on Bill, she was also powerful personality at that time. Its disappointing you call your fellow men USELESS cos their opinion is contrary to that of the OP on a matter that is subject to debate.

The outrageous statistics given and the die-hard attitude of not accepting positive notions against her opinion shows that the OP is an UNREFINED feminist. I understand from her post that these ladies that cheat with men are mostly single ladies who suddenly turn SAINTS when married. A lot of married women cheat but are very discreet about it like men in developed world. Some Married men in Nigeria cheat simply because there are no strict laws not necessarily because their wives tolerate the act or are uneducated. If wives in the present day Nigeria are to heed your advice of leaving their marriage at the slightest case of infidelity rather than work things out then it would be better to remain single cos with the level decay in the society today infidelity is present at one time or the other in most marriages with the men taking the lead but not to the tune of your outrageous figures. Separation or divorce should apply only when the party involved is highly unrepentant.

I am shocked to hear people call those that condemn the boy's actions[b] Sexists[/b]. The young man insulted his father publicly, this is where the condemnation lies. He could have debunked his father's statement without humiliating him or statements like he will rather be a bastard than be known as a son OR allow the mother to respond in any manner she liked. Such statement shows he lacks respect or not well trained and anger should never be an excuse.

All he said about the father that we have been debating here is only one side of the story and many had been so quick to judge the father. People who also accused the mother of playing a role in the matter based on her past marriages and conducts as a minister are also in error.

There are teenagers and younger men and women on Nairaland and whatever we pass on to them is important. PARENTS will always be PARENTS separeated or divorced. There must be a time, the father showered him with love and kindness...as a baby, toddler to whenever- probably the time of divorce. I saw deep hatred for the father in the boy's speech and find it difficult to believe there was ever a sincere move for reconciliation as he claimed.

The boy is wrong to insult his father publicly. If his father is an attention seeker, it's the mum's business to respond. He knows they got divorce 30 years but may never know the reason behind the divorce. His father was abusive (though the father's version of the story is not available), were other ex-husbands of the mother abusive too. Issues between parents are best known by them. A wise child should have engineered reconciliation between the parents irrespective of who was right or wrong. In most Igbo communities, he will never be fully accepted as the son of the soil, except if her mother had no brothers hence representing the only male child.
If he hates his father so much for not being part of his life, he should have kept his cool, wait for the father's demise then return to his root or true home. The fathers Kinsmen will always welcome him. We are Africans.

It can be worked out. Everything is possible under the sun.

I am highly disappointed with people who support this barbaric act. Its like amputating the hands of one who stole your life saving so that he or she will never again take what does not belong to him or her. She could have summoned people to witness the infidelity of the shameless husband and sister. She has many decent options of dealing with the situation.

The unfortunate society we live has unconsciously modeled a way we should react to infidelity cases all in the name of psychological and emotional trauma relegating maturity and self control to the background. If the law had serious punishment for such actions then people would react reasonably when confronted with difficult situations like this.

The issue at hand is a sensitive one. OSU caste system is gradually disappearing in Igbo land but few communities still practice it. I come from such a place and your fiance too cos his family was easily identified on investigation, the stigma is enormous in communities where they are practiced.

This is the hard truth, you will sacrifice family at expense of love cos your children i.e your family grand children have become OSU unless your family does not give a damn about what the community thinks and feels. You will face certain discrimination at your husband family place and get used them and in any case of divorce, you will face the same issue re-marrying since you have been contaminated by the first marriage. The stigma goes on and deep.... unless you live outside the shores of Nigeria or live in Nigeria but goes home once in a blue moon.

My advice: if you are very sure you are walking into a marriage that will last till death do you part, let your parents understand why you have to make this decision and live the rest of your life happily with the love of your life. Secondly, take a decision you would have taken if you were not pregnant....don't let the pregnancy influence your decision.

@OP I can infer from your posts

Federal Ministry Health warns that Tobacco smoking is dangerous to health........at the end of every advert. Therefore smoking is a sin

Drink responsibly..... at the end of advert. Therefore Wine or Beer is not a sin but drunkness (irresponsible drinking) is a sin.

Looking at a woman lustfully is a sin cos fornication has taken place in the heart ..........self servicing is both fornication in the heart and on the body with yourself. Therefore self servicing is a sin

Jewelry..seeing the passages for and against jewelry, Therefore I deduct that jewelry like money is not a sin but the LOVE of jewelry is a sin

Wearing of trousers....the emphasis was not on trousers but wears of opposite sex. Planting different crops in the same vineyard was also condemned, wearing a cloth with different linen was also condemned, a specific hairstyle was also condemned...and a whole lots of law on that passage. In the era of grace this laws are external practices that do not defile a man as they are external. What defiles a man is inwards, it emanates from the heart. The new law is dress responsibly....dressing to seduce, dressing to kill etc comes from the heart. Therefore wearing of trousers is not sin

Covering of head in the church.......this is not a law but a strong commendation in the scriptures but becareful. If your church insists on it as set of their rules you must adhere lest you will be disobeying a constituted authority. Disobedience here is the sin. Remember few churches do not abide by it. Therefore covering of head is not a sin.

Polygamy..was practised in the old testament but Jesus Christ came to fulfilled the law and clarified God's design of one man - one woman in Adam and Eve. And made it clear that anything outside that is adultery. Jesus called legal relationship between divorced individuals adultery let alone polygamy. Therefore polygamy is a sin

Pornography....pornography is like self servicing where you do not touch yourself yet derive sexual satisfaction from another individual. We might have learnt skills to make our legal partners happier but like lust it remains adultery in your heart. Therefore pornography is a sin.

OP...did I miss any of your points. Do you have anything to say against these.....I am listening.

The best way to train a child is the right and timely combination of all methods proposed. Show love at the right time, talk sense when it matters and whip if it is extremely necessary.

I wonder why people believe that any action taken by the US and other developed countries must be adopted by others. It does not work that way, because every nation pass through different levels of developmental stages. Two nations may be 50 - 100 years apart. What is best for one nation at a specific point in time, may not be best for another nation at the same time. Developed countries are so different from developing countries. US has a good justice system, excellent prison reforms, sound anti-crime system, very low corruption rate, low unemployment rate leading to low crime rate. We lack all these in Nigeria, therefore kidnapping has become an everyday affair.

I do not say that death sentence is the best for that crime but it is absolutely wrong to insult your country, because they adopted a law your beloved US has outgrown does not make them backward. Remember, if 30yr old married men are shedding off too much parties and clubbing does not mean that other 30yr old bachelors must do the same. Both are different in their developmental stages.

Your mum was right. We watch a lot of movies that will forget certain values. Your mum gained access to the room easily, a 6yr old, 10 yr old, 14yr old could have done so, if there were any in the house. That is the moral of her statement.

I do not understand why Africans do not value their traditions. Involvement of families in marriage decisions have both negative and positive sides to it. The bone of contention should be how to uphold the positive influence and discard the negative influence. My brother desired to marry a lady, this is my father's findings after investigations: the two of them were related according to the blood line therefore can not marry.

If they had done registry marriage and later discovered a situation like this which is often regarded as a taboo. What people should do as adult is to listen to family observations and recommendations, then make their decisions after careful thought. The westerns you refer to and adore, what is their success rate in marriage. Divorce is a norm over there in event it does not work out. Divorce can be 2 days after marriage, 2 weeks, 2 years not time lilmited. But in Africa it is frowned usually when necessary. Therefore, families intentions are to ensure their loved ones make a long lasting choice. Though many individuals in the families abuse such privileges.

This might be the true story. She claimed she gave the guy a chance out of pity. Meaning, she most likely had toyed with the guys emotions not knowing how far she could have gone since she had no love for him. For instance: 1. I love you....I hear. 2. I have gift (a very rare gift for that matter) for you..........Thanks (mechanical unappreciative thanks). 3. She could have been close to other male friends in a near intimate manner without consideration how it affected the guy...after all she is doing him a favour.

Down the line, the guy met another lady who cared, respected and showed him the love he had so much longed for. But still kept this Barr. lady hoping she could transform to his new catch. The bond between the new catch grew stronger while the affinity for the old catch dwindled. The old catch began to notice decline in care and attention she was used to and became suspicious. The guy denied all allegations and began to enjoy the new wave of attention she was getting from the Barrister (who possibly have developed feelings for him), the attention he desired for so long.

The guy played with the fire of keeping two women and got to a point he needed to make a choice. Family and friends advised him to choose SURE love against UNSURE love. He then made a commitment with the new catch and refused to break off his relationship with the old catch for reasons best known to him. (Vengeance OR fear of entertaining a drama on the wedding day by a jealous EX). The deed has been done by the IMMATURE man.......(immature because [God ordained wife - 5yrs fruitless relationship = Great future ahead] therefore, no need for vengeance) and the lady comes to twitter to pour out her heart in pretense of a hard woman. The heart she wanted to give him now but has been overtaken by events.

BECOME EXACTLY WHAT SHE HAS BECOME AND MUCH MORE. She will want to know why you have changed.

@ Miss Chima

Please accept your line of reasoning is wrong. Abortion is not a personal issue or petty issue in marriage. Hidden complications could be there which may affect child bearing in future. Trust and honesty you preach should be demonstrated by letting your partner know all that matter in marriage before they say I DO. If one partner gives a HINT about a particular thing he/she is not comfortable with, it becomes obligatory for the other partner to bring that thing to light if he/she is guilty of it.

Like I earlier advised the OP, they should see a doctor if all is well, he should go ahead with the marriage. Committing abortion does not make her the worst sinner. And the OP should also note that he has no moral justification looking for a lady who has not aborted before, if he has slept with a lady without protection in the past cos he could have been a father to an aborted baby.

Go ahead and marry her. She could have told you many years after marriage OR not tell you at all. If you love her and all other things are in place RIDE ON. If you are still uncomfortable after my post, then take her to a Gynecologist for tests to clear your conscience.

BUT, have you done a girl before without protection, if you have then you have no moral justification to cancel the wedding because you could have put another woman in that condition.

Please, have a serious conversation with your husband. Many factors might have contributed to his actions, especially cultural and social factors. If you don't have kids with him and the marriage is less than 15 years, he will most likely act that way. If you have not shown frugality in spending (careless about best education for the kids but crazy about very expensive jewelry, wears etc) and he has a God-fearing brother who has maturity in handling finances, it could also be reasons for his actions. The reasons do not justify his actions because of what marriage stands for but right now you need solutions to a problem and DIALOGUE is key, and strong conviction that your can take care of the entire family in his absence.

Ghen ghen and other exclamations shows the poster is not sorry, only if the story is true.

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Most women sleep with men for material gains. Money etc. Most men sleep with women for pleasure and other gains. In the real sense, dictionary definition calls the first category prostitution and the second category promiscuity but in the ideal sense both categories are prostitutes because rampant and indiscriminate SLEEPINGS or F...ings with multiple partners were carried out at different times and different places. Any of these groups who drops the old way of life is fully qualified for marriage else we have become judges though every individual has a choice of a would be partner.

Marriage then lasted because the society respected values. These values taught them about phases in marriage, therefore women (because they had limited choice) demonstrated patience and tolerance and always weathered the storm until peace was restored. Few men who truly loved their wives behaved alike. In the long run it was the best thing to do because most aged couples are always happy after passing through the ups and downs of marriage.

Marriage now is often a disaster. People misinterpret gender equality and apply it to marriage therefore roles and responsibilities are wrongly defined. There is no commitment but false sense of freedom and personal happiness. Trial periods are never seen as challenges that need to be surmounted but an avenue for break up. Words like irreconcilable differences always up pop up while words like where there is a will, there is a way is relegated to the background. In the long run we have single parenthood, broken homes and aged individuals who cannot boast of a glorious and victorious married life

Christianity teaches that in as much as marriage is a choice, it is also a call to duty like priesthood or service to God. Therefore must be treated with reverence and obedience to God laws on marriage and above all as a covenant that must not be broken.

It is saddening to know that most great thinkers, philosophers and inventors and leaders of old had stable marriages, but the artists of modern generation who at the slightest media fame whether talented or not treat marriage as a child's play and unconsciously teach others to do the same.

Some persons have shown interest on X3 but I am yet to see elaborate discussions on X3. What are their merits and drawbacks, which year model should one go for as a foreign used car. Are their parts and repairs expensive? If I should not go for it, what is its mercedes benz equivalent Please, I will appreciate your reply.

In Nigeria, men and women kneel and apologize to their partners. Most often, the magnitude of the offense is big. A man who sends his wife packing cos of another woman may kneel in apology whenever he wants that woman back. The same goes for a man, who is very remorseful for cheating on his wife. A woman can kneel if she has offended her partner badly and it is not a big deal. All these women who claim they will never kneel may be right if they are based outside Nigeria cos such practices are not common there. Personally, if any of these proud women on Nairaland happen to be my wife and I catch her in the act of adultery (live action), believe me her knees must go down in apology, or else she should save her breathe cos forgiveness will not be a reality. They claim kneeling is for God but would not mind if a man kneels to propose marriage.

@ KillJoy

U analysis of marriage is good but the social implications of what u propose are deeper than u can imagine. U mentioned great thinkers and achievers like Einstein yet there were married and never thought intelligently like you.

1. U feel a maid is handy to raise your kids from a baby mama and carry out domestic work. Believe me u will sleep with that maid someday if she stays around for a long time to satisfy your sexual urge and the moment that happens expect that disrespect u despise once in a while from her. Then u fire her, employ another maid and it goes on and on. Your children are exposed to many women of various characters, they will never know motherly love, affections and directions all their lives.

2. U don't need a child: Really, if we all don't need children, how could u have existed. How can we have continuity, who takes over the affairs of the home and the state when we depart? When u get old and can't do much who takes care of u at home or in old people's home? Other people's children.

3. A woman's love is only skin deep: Is your mother's love skin deep cos she is a woman. U may find it hard to believe, but some women love their husband as much if not more than their children.

So if u avoid sharing a life of joy and trouble with a woman called a wife, will u also avoid taking an employment because of that pain-in-the-ass colleague u must work with, that boss who is bent on making your life miserable or the slave-master alliance of some working environment. Did u avoid the rigours and horrors of attending a Nigerian University (standing during lectures, intimidation of lecturers, harassment of cultist etc) after all MONEY is what counts in the end since the some of the world successful men are drop outs.

My dear, u can be single if u choose to be, but the reasons u gave above against marriage is do not hold water may be I should reply later every point u listed one after the other.