₦airaland Forum

ifyalways: Much ado about nothing.Don't know why things are hard(well,except one thing) in marriages these days.

[b]Who are the husband's family that are insisting on celebrating the union in the dad's place?[/b]what is the husband(to be) position?This is how it starts oh,extended family pokenosing into matters,making simple things complicated for the new couple and sowing early seeds of discord.

This is an issue that should be agreed on by the young couple,then they convey their decision to both families.

The way forward now is to pick a neutral venue. The girl goes home to calm her mom,the boy goes to his people to tell and invite them to the new avenue and both goes to the the girls dad to invite him to the new venue.Shikena.

If the groom is from a traditionally minded Igbo family (as I suspect) then yes, they do actually have EVERY right under Igbo customary law to insist that the traditional marriage take place at bride's father's compound to save themselves from shame. Unlike some other ethnic groups, Igbo customary law is extremely rigid about illegitimacy; So the groom's family are probably unhappy already that their son is marrying a bastard and don't want the stigma compounded by a traditional wedding ceremony hosted by the bride's mother's family.

Now the father may be a totally useless, irresponsible jerk who never paid her mother's dowry or took care of his kids but as long as he is her publicly known or acknowledged father, then he or his senior male relative must give out the bride in marriage and the ceremony must take place at his compound or at a location of his or his male kin's choice. This is the only way the groom's family can prove to the world that their son is not marrying a woman with no known father i.e. yes she may have been born a bastard but she has a publicly known father, her mother was not a harlot who got pregnant by an unknown customer. In the Igbo customary law, its already bad enough that the bride was born out of wedlock since the father never paid her mother's dowry; for the bride to now get married at her mother's place is like officially proclaiming her bastardy to the whole world i.e. she has no known father hence the ceremony had to take place in her mother's compound. So most traditionally minded Igbo families would do exactly what the groom's family is doing here.

The compromise solution I can see here is for the traditional marriage to be held at the home or compound of a male relative of her father in an urban area accessible and acceptable to the bride's mother and father e.g. Enugu, Owerri, PH or even Lagos or Abuja. The father or his designated representative (usually a senior male relative) should be present to perform the traditional rites and receive her dowry. This should satisfy all sides and fulfill all righteousness in terms of Igbo customary law.

Great thread!

Any update pls?

[quote author=segcy.moor]@Blacklion..The Flat at d back attached to duplex is not really BQ but main flat to let out while u enjoy ur privacy in front[/quote]Thanks for the explanation. Abeg, do you have any idea of the cost estimate for sandfilling a swampy land (standard plot 60x120) at Lekki so that it can carry a duplex? Thanks again!

spyder880: ^^^ dont wanna stick my neck out but we plan to be roofing ready in 2 weeks of concentrated working.

Spyder,

So basically, you were able to get this project from foundation to roofing stage within a month or so? I guess this was partially possible due to the dry season which prevented rain disruption?

Can I ask - if the funds are available, is it technically possible to get a four bdrm duplex from foundation to roofing within 2 months?

spyder880: @ blacklion and sadze, please relocate to our new thread "Strong, beautiful and affordable homes" for more updates and comments/questions.

@sadze, Hardcore stones mean those larger size stones used during the foundation filling to ensure solidity. Some builders recommend it, depending on soil type. I cant find the pictures of it right away.

Thanks, I'm switching over there now. See you across the river

Hello,

Can any one please advise on the cost of sandfilling a standard plot of land [60 x 120]at Lekki (Idiagbon village]? Thanks!

spyder880: Yes, I believe N7.5m can deliver this size of duplex in Enugu, Imo and Anambra states,especially with superior know how. This budget should cover for only the foundation till roofing stages, all materials and labour costs, granite chippings and internal toilet plumbing works, not for finishing the whole house.

The smallest bedroom size is 13x14ft wide.

Spyder, abeg overlook my ignoramus

What do you mean by 'finishing the whole house'? Are you referring to internal aesthetics like POP ceiling, tiles, bathroom and kitchen fittings etc?

Also, when you say 'the foundation till roofing stages' do you include the aluminium roofing sheets within the 7.5 million?

Thanks!

Bump!

No one on this thread any more?

Segcy, well done O! This is very encouraging to people like me considering whether and how to embark on a building project.

What do you mean by '+ flat'? Is this like an executive BQ?

Can any one please advise on the cost of sandfilling a standard plot of land [60 x 120]at Lekki (Idiagbon village]? I'm planning a 5bdrm bungalow and 2rm BQ.

[quote author=love-tosin]
Thanks for the frank advice Spyder! I intend to do just that i.e BQ first and build duplex gradually. But I want a working figure.

So is N7-8m more realistic? I'm looking at a very basic and modest design with 2 master bedroom and 3 smaller ones. No atrium, lobby etc. I'm not doing all that marble, granite finishes etc either.

Or should I just go for a bungalow?

hi,more power to your elbow,as per your Q,i will be frank with you,that #5m wont take you anywhere,am currently building something similar to that just mine could be bigger,but i tell you what,about #5.5m is what has just taken me to only decking(i should be casting the deck work in a matter of week).Ans thats just like the beginning,so i'm just gonna advise you to build a beautiful bungalow like that am-alone one but if you still want the duplex,with just a basic finish,i think #10m should do it.[/quote]@ love-tosin,

Thanks for your advice! Hmmmm...tough decisions. I'm new on this thread - is there a picture of the bungalow by am-alone on this thread or there is a separate thread? Cheers!

spyder880: ^^^ although I dont know Ibeju Lekki very well, still I dont think N5m is realistic for building duplex + BQ in any part of Nigeria. Why not start with building the BQ first and while living there, arrange to build the duplex.

Thanks for the frank advice Spyder! I intend to do just that i.e BQ first and build duplex gradually. But I want a working figure.

So is N7-8m more realistic? I'm looking at a very basic and modest design with 2 master bedroom and 3 smaller ones. No atrium, lobby etc. I'm not doing all that marble, granite finishes etc either.

Or should I just go for a bungalow?

Hi folks,

Is N5m a realistic estimate for a 4 bedroom duplex with 3 rm BQ at Awoyaya (Ibeju-Lekki)?

Most grateful for your advice/opinions!

drnoel: U know sometimes I understand why most white people don't care so much about family cos of all this minor complications that are turned to major ones.

White people have social welfare, child benefits, decent public education, public housing, unemployment benefits etc provided by the government. In Africa, we have only extended family to play the role which government does in Western countries - hence most people are compelled to tolerate extended family wahala because you may need assistance from them in future.

This is beginning to sound like Tales by Moonlight. A family meeting will be held in two months time to discuss what is at worst a minor infraction by a newly married wife due to ignorance or inexperience? These people get time on their hands

Amacaco: Issues relating to inheritance are governed by law in Nigeria. It is called the Law of Succession and inheritance. The rights of spouses to each other's property after death are determined by the status of their marriage before death. Succession and inheritance for marriages contracted under English Law or the Marriage Act are governed by English law in which case the Wife is entitled fully to the property of her husband before Children and other brothers and sisters of the deceased. Where they were married under Islamic laws, that law is used to determine the right to inherit. But in circumstances where they were married under customary law, the customary law of the man comes into play. Customary laws vary from place to place and need to be specifically proved in court.
In matrilineal Societies as opposed to patrilineal, the property of a dead man rightfully and by law belongs to the brothers and sisters of the deceased. Similarly, the properties of a deceased woman belongs to her relatives and not her husband unless the person has made a will before his death. This is so in Matrilineal Communities like Abriba, Nkporo, Ohafia (all in Abia State), as well as Edda, Afikpo, Amasiri in Ebonyi State. Such matrilineal system also exist in some parts of South Africa. No court has declared such custom as repugnant to natural justice as at today. Today men who want to avoid the strict application of that customary law can make wills, give gifts to their wife and children while alive, buy properties in the name of their spouses, or invest heavily in the education and establishment of their children.

Thanks for bringing up this issue. Most of us come from patrilineal communities and we are so used to the concept of wives/children inheriting the deceased man's property that we forget there are other societies in which the norm is different.

Fhemmmy: How come the family that knows it all cant be the one to do the distribution since they are the one that are expert in how to distribute parts of an animal.

Well, in my area, its the younger wives in the family (i.e the most recently married) that are expected to share food and meat at family occasions, younger men share and serve/pour drinks. Usually at such events, there are older wives and other female family members around the location who should be able to tell the younger wives who is entitled to what portion of meat.

Where I'm from, there is pretty strict protocol about things like breaking of kola nut, order of precedence in serving drinks, distribution of portions of meat etc. Its not limited to women e.g. a younger man cannot be seating and expect an elder to stand and serve him drink.

But I've never ever heard of a man being asked to send away his wife merely for not adhering to protocol in sharing meat portions. That would be really bizarre and extreme. The in-laws may rake for the iyawo who does not know the culture properly but to demand that she be kicked out merely for not sharing meat well is extreme. Never heard of it in my entire life.

Obviously the key issue is {as the OP put it] the "among her many other sins". That is the main issue - there is previous aggro between the woman and her in-laws.

And we don't know the cause of the aggro or whether the woman is at fault or the in-laws are interfering un-necessarily.

This is not necessarily about a husband wimping out on his wife in the face of his relatives - as some ladies here are trying to portray it. We don't have enough details of the story to come to that conclusion.

There is a tendency here on NL that once the word 'in-laws' appears in a story, some women here quickly jump on a sisterhood bandwagon as if every married woman is a saint and all in-laws are the devil incarnate.

blank: What is the in-laws business in their family life? It is the husband puzzy i blame. How can you let your wife be held to ridicule? He should be covering her and standing his ground as head of his home. So they do family meeting and put the wife on the agenda and he will be ok with that? I jump and pass that kinda man.

From what I heard, there was an event within the extended family. She was supposed to give specific parts of the cow that was butchered to her husbands uncles, elder cousins and brothers but since she didn't know who gets which parts she mixed it all up. I am told her husbands elders brothers and cousins got really upset and took it for a sign of disrespect

Did you actually read the bolded?

SMH at 'who is he?'. Just goes to confirm the age/historical knowledge/level of political awareness of the average Nairalander

Under which law is this organization established?

Is it part of the Nigerian armed forces?

Which ministry is the supervising ministry?

What is the relevance of merchant navy in Kogi state? Does Kogi have a sea port?

Pls don't give me long stories about river Niger jetty at Lokoja. No barges have operated on the Niger for ages.

The story is fake. Since 1990s any Nigerian woman or girl who says she was told that she was being taken to Europe to work as a maid or factory worker and did not know she was actually being trafficked for s e x work is a born liar. The so-called 'Tracy' knew perfectly well what she signed up to; perhaps she fell out with her love-vendor or cannot meet up with the obligation and is now telling this story to win asylum or refugee status.

Virgin my big black azz! I'll bet she spent a number of years prostituting in the Sahel region and Libya en route Europe.

Fhemmmy:
Anyone with the current rate for today?

How much are you willing to pay for that info?

[quote author=Okija_juju link=topic=886843.msg10341310#msg10341310 date=1331041163]Question is Kini Big deal. . .

Dead body na dead body!

Wether na big man, poor man or middle class. .  All dead body must rotten![/quote]Finally confirmed, Okija Juju is definitely not Igbo.

Beaf:
Quite clearly, Lucifer is a Nigerian.

, and his name is ndu chucks

[quote author=ndu_chucks link=topic=881188.msg10337678#msg10337678 date=1331003413]The people you are demonizing here are legitimate businessmen who own oil blocks and are creating jobs for Nigerians by the thousands. They have done nothing wrong by practicing capitalism.[/quote]BS in the highest degree. The people being criticized are parasites who were awarded oil blocks by northern military dictators as war booty and political loot. They are pure leeches reaping where they did not sow and their briefcase crude oil trading outfits are creating employment only for the almajiris they hire to unleash death and terror in the North periodically to show the southerners who is the boss in Nigeria.

Its high time to divide the country and lets see how these Boko Haram sponsoring leeches and parasites will survive without any Gen. Mohammed and Brigadier Musa to award them Niger Delta war booty.

OP,

If you don't mind my asking, what ethnic group(s) do you and the father of your child belong?

Not asking to mock you; just trying to understand better the status or legality of the ceremony that you described as an 'engagement and reception'.

ronkebp:
Who says only the men pay for weddings ? my husband did not pay for everything!!! infact i personally would not want a man to pay for the whole wedding, that is when he will start beating his chest and ridiculing the wife's family, that he paid for everything. Mbanu!!!

Speak for your own culture

There are cultures in Nigeria where the man is expected to pay for the whole wedding (both traditional and church) and his inability to do so is sufficient cause for the wife to remind him in future that her family 'helped' him to marry her

dasparrow:
@OP

At 23 years old, there are usually a whole bunch of single, never before married bachelors with no baggage lining up looking to marry a girl in that country of ours called Nigeria.

Really?

So why then do we have so many pretty, well-educated, well behaved, God-fearing young ladies with good jobs/businesses/professions who remain unmarried till their late 30s or even 40s?

In today's economy, how many young men can support a family before they clock 30 or 35?

Marriage is not beans.

I don't understand why Seun and the moderators allow all these spammers to flood nairaland with their scams. More pro-active moderation is required.

Ujujoan:
I've not decided on this issue yet. My husband and I haven't quite gotten to the stage of joint investment (aside from a joint account), but I really dont think I want to invest with him. Not because I dont trust him or anything, but I like doing my own things and I beleive I'll be better off!

As for my children, the best leagacy I will give them is good education and sound training. They can make their own money themselves!

This is a very 'un-Igbo' perspective