₦airaland Forum

[quote author=Miss_Ife link=topic=546821.msg7094465#msg7094465 date=1289117803]I was just thinking, since I see many of us saying on marriage-related topics that "men who's wives can't cook should help with the cooking" or that "women can help their husbands to financially support the home during tough times". So, would you raise your children with that kind of mindset? What difference do you think should apply when raising a boy or a girl?

As for me, I'd like to teach all of my children -wether boy or girl - the same skills: cooking and taking care of the house, managing a budget, and of course sending them to school and university to get a decent and hopefully well paying job.

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That being said, I know that I will still raise the boys and girls differently, because as a woman I would not relate the same way to my sons and daughter, and they will also take exemple on what they see at home

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(my husband and I both work but he is the main provider while my own job gives me time to take care of the cooking/cleaning).

So what's your opinion?[/quote]So? Which is it?



From your own fingers.

Erm? You are not a very detailed thread hostess. Please, pay attention to what you are writing.

[quote author=Miss_Ife link=topic=546821.msg7148218#msg7148218 date=1289828039]This topic was here only to discuss, not to consider my opinion better than others'. I've always believed that boys and girls should be raised the same way, that's how I've been raised myself, so I was merely trying to understand other people's opinions, and since you're the only one who has a different opinion

One thing I don't get is how you would raise a boy and a girl differently, what exactly would be different?[/quote]Your opinion and to be respected. But this is a discussion and not a lecture.
So, I disagree. My opinion too. If you wanted all to agree with you, I doubt you would have started this thread.
I was not raised in the same way as my sisters. I was raised with more expectations required of me. To be more of a provider and less of a nurturer. My sisters were raised  more as nurturers and less as providers, so we can attract the right partners in life.

Fair to say wea re products of how we were raised, regardless of where you live in the world. Not a good or bad thing. Just a preference depending on how we were raised, what experiences we have and what works best.


My point? Girls and boys are not the same. You cannot raise them alike. Society expects a man to be a man and a women to be a woman. Less divorces and less single parents around the world.

Different stroke for different folk.


[quote author=Miss_Ife link=topic=546821.msg7148247#msg7148247 date=1289828260]Btw, the study I talked about was in one society alone (in a western country, though I don't remember which one, probably in Europe). It showed the difference between girls raised with brothers and girls raised with only sisters. And that those raised with brothers were holding lower professionnal positions than the ones with only sisters, as if in a family with boys and girls the differences were more emphasized than in a family with girls only. And biology has nothing to do here, since we are comparing girls to other girls [/quote]I think you have changed the original topic you started on this thread.
Read the title of your own thread.

Would You/do You Raise Your Sons And Daughter The Same Way?

Nothing new here. The female banker is synonymous with high-tech prostitution in Nigeria.
She should have know that when accepting the job.
Anyhow, she is going to sell the 'body' sooner or later.
The price is not right enough.

With all the confusion present in the family systems in this day and age, let the bride please decide.
We do not want broken bottles and shattered skulls littered all over the ceremonial, marriage venues do we?

Because traditionally-speaking, such women have been raised to feel it is ok, having seen their own fathers punch their mothers to death and beyond. Most of these women are full-time housewives soley relying on their husbands without the most basic education and of course self-esteem issues at an all-time low.
In a nut shell, we are talking serious pychosis handed down from generation to generation.

Women are the chief enablers of domestic abuse in the family unit.
They are their own worst enemies.

[quote author=Miss_Ife link=topic=546821.msg7147977#msg7147977 date=1289825838]My question was not innocent. Don't you think that maybe those differences are due to the way boys and girls were raised and not due to their gender? You can teach a girl to be emotionnally strong, and a boy to express his feelings, the question is would you do it?[/quote]Why not? What other options do we have?
But according to my value systems. You also have to look at each child individually by assessing his or her strenghts and weaknesses. Besides the gender factor, not just one size fits all. Some people choose to raise their daugthers to be submissive and their sons aggressive. You cannot question anyone's value systems no matter how outlandish or quaint. They are not your's or mine.

Many studies show that the main differences between genders are due to different educations, for example, in a family with boys and girls, the girls will tend to have lower professionnal positions than their brothers and their female conterparts who were born in girls-only families. That shows how, subconsciously, parents put more pressure on the boys to be professionnally successful and accept easily that the girls could be less career oriented.

I don't know where you are coming from but I will state this. All studies are baseless without a rudimentary course in basic Biology. If the girls tend to have lower professional positions than males it is because the societies they live in have placed such limitations. If parents choose to raise their children differently, then they may have different value systems.


If this is what you term 'education', then all's fair and square. Who are we to complain?

Bottom line.

You can only teach your children how to cope with life's challanges by developing healthy coping mechanisms regardless of what society or the world dishes out.

A female will always cope differently from a male. Basic biology.

[quote author=Miss_Ife link=topic=546821.msg7147821#msg7147821 date=1289824143]Blazay, could you explain to us how you think the genders are different and therefore should be raised differentely. What would you do, that would show this differene?[/quote]

Of course genders are different. Is this not obvious?
There are some general things you should teach all children regardless of their genders.
Then there are some things you should teach the different genders of children respectively.

1. Girls are different from boys because they are more emotionally vulnerable.
2. Boys are different from girls because they are more physical and predatory.

When I discuss certain things with my wife, I make her understand what she needs to teach our daughters. The need for self-confidence and the maintainance of a healthy self-esteem. More importantly, the need for self-respect. When it comes to our sons, the same rules apply but she would defer such matters to me since only a real man can raise a male child.

The most important thing to teach a male child is the respect for his mother. If he gets that in his head, he would make a good man for any woman and the world in general.

Unfortunately, most men do not respect the women they are married to, so I do not expect them to teach their sons a thing or two about life and human relationships.

Now, coming to girls. The first point of contact with a man for any little girl is her father. If this relationship is tarnished in anyway, she becomes damaged for life.

See?
Igbo and Yorubas should be kicked out of Nigeria asap.
Thank God for Hausa JTF and military.
Where would the help to save the Igbo people from themselves have come from?
Even the state commissioner of police in Abia is a kidnapper himself.

How did the loot get there in the first place if the UK are not thieves themselves.
With the historical ties with Nigeria, the UK did not need a prophet to tell them where the money came from.
As the stolen money remains frozen, it continues to yield interest for the bloody hook-nosed thieves.
Disgusting imperialists.

Well, serves Nigeria and Africa as a whole right. A fool and his/her money are soon parted.

Ibori needs to lose some more weight.
Nigerians are ugly people sha.
Even with all the money, the dude cannot even look decent.
Still looks rough, but finer than OBJ. Thank God.

If you can start one, you should be able to 'break-up" one.
Never start what you cannot finsh
The one thing that separates juveniles from the matured.
Communication.

Depends on the circumstances.
Either way, I have 2 choices.

1. Accept both.

Or

2. Get rid of both.


[b]From my own calculation, it must be some view months after i gave birth. my baby is a year and five mths now. i got wind of it through his mobile phone after he told me that my sister sent him a msg and i wanted to see the msg content so,there was a msg that said that an account has being open for so so baby with my husband's name (but not his last surname). i jokingly called him baba so so because i wasn't sure and the look on his face say all i needed to know, he took him some time before he confessed that the lady promised to abort the pregnancy and some few months later she called that she's having his baby and the rest of the story goes like that.
Now, my number one fear is the kind of advice have being getting from ppl. and they all expect me to forgive him just like that and i wonder where love goes? is it because am a woman and a would be divorcee single mother?

i personally give kudos to our mothers. African women do not have strong believes in themselve anymore just because she want to keep her marriage, their ego has be shattered by thier mum and grand mom, because of the advice they gave them: "Stay with the man and endure everything that comes your way because, he's your last chance.Have patience becuase of your children ". Every seems to forget thier unapologetic behaviour and the fact that i could have contracted HIV from him(God forbid). i'm just caught in between. [/b]

Your choice.
Unfortunately, it is still a man' world. Your husband would not be on Nairaland lamenting like you are doing.
You cannot be caught in between.
It is your decision to stay or leave.
No one can help you with this kind of advice.
You are married to an African man. Marriage to an African man is ALWAYS a grave risk.
Goodluck.

No.
By virtue of the fact that they are different genders, I have to raise them differently.
A man cannot be raised as a woman and vice versa.

Yes.
It shows both families are extremely, mutually desirable.

anneduke:
if your husband has a girl child who leaves with you both and he always finds excuses not to give you details of the child's mother, what do you do.though he told you before you married him and accepted the child.some weeks back he told you, a friend of his said the lady in question is married with kids now.but you feel there's more he's not telling.

Well, she accepted those terms and still married the man. She needs to accept the situation like that without bothering him.
If she was desparate enough to get married under such circumstances, she should keep playing the 'wife' and keep accepting the daughter.
Simple. You cannot change the goal posts in the in the middle or at the end of any game.
Women and their issues.

Oh dear!
Not again.
Another Yoruba pedo-phile.

No, I would not take it. But I will keep what I would do a secret.

Deleted.

dplordx:
[b]I am about to get married to this girl who I have been dating for the past 5 years and my reasons are as follows:

1. I am a lot more comfortable now since my business is doing wonderful.
2. Completed my home within Lagos, and I dont want to move in alone.
3. The girl has sacrificed everything for me and she loves me passionately.

But she has these problems:

1. She's a spendthrift and she's contributing little or nothing financially.
2. She isnt a learner and its hard to teach her new things.
3. She's getting a little fat, and she's defending it as been great (though I hated it).
4. She hasnt learn much from how I do things and I just do my best to make sure I dont see all these little faults. But, well they are still there.


Has someone married a woman of such qualities and come to regret it?
Does a woman loving you qualify her to a ring, or must there be some other better qualities besides been a great cook in the kitchen?
I need help here people.
I dont want contribution from women. I want the married guys, or non-married ones to contribute.
God bless.[/b]

If she has sacrificed a lot for you and loves your passionately, what else do you need?
She is human just like you are.
The only near perfect woman is made for a near-perfect man.
Are you near perfect?
Can you predict the future?

Has someone married a woman of such qualities and come to regret it?
Does a woman loving you qualify her to a ring, or must there be some other better qualities besides been a great cook in the kitchen?

You sound very immature and confused.

1. You do not judge your own relationship with others out here or there.
2. Marriage ALWAYS comes with an element or several elements of regret no matter whom you are with. For temptations after marriage are numerous.
3. No. A woman loving you does not qualify her to a ring. Yes, there are always qualiities besides being a great cook in the kitchen and a great lover in the bedroom. But you must create them in your partner.

Lessons in life.
No partner comes ready-made. Whatever you want in a partner that is not there, you must leant to create or do without. The most desireable men and women people wish they have have been built by others who took time out to work with them. Make your's to fit. Then it becomes your's and to your credit.

The best men and women have been made and won by those who deserve them and are not available for cheap, conspicous comsumption on the streets.

Make your's to fit for you attract what you are.

Let us look at her negatives.

But she has these problems:

1. She's a spendthrift and she's contributing little or nothing financially.
2. She isnt a learner and its hard to teach her new things.
3. She's getting a little fat, and she's defending it as been great (though I hated it).
4. She hasn't learn much from how I do things and I just do my best to make sure I dont see all these little faults. But, well they are still there.

No different from MOST women I know.


Let us look at her positives

1. I am a lot more comfortable now since my business is doing wonderful.
2. Completed my home within Lagos, and I dont want to move in alone.
3. The girl has sacrificed everything for me and she loves me passionately.

Different from MOST women I know.

Use your tongue to count your teeth. You cannot find this kind of woman on Nairaland. Do not be distracted please.
She is a keeper.

johndoe200:
I will first like to point out that I am aware that some men have issues regarding domestic violence. I have never understood them but acknowledge that they exist. If a man needs to discipline his woman it should be limited to spanking her at most. Except she is trying to kill him he should never punch her.
I do sympathize with your ordeal. What I was pointing out though is the issue of fair hearing in the case of the original poster. If then the facts turn out to be something like what you went through, then yes the woman should run for her life.

How do you 'spank' an adult like yourself?
This thread is sickening.

There are some things the ears should not hear and the eyes should not read.
Your friend does not need a divorce.
She just needs to take her child and run out of the country period.
Far away from this monster of a man.

What a shame.

Abolutely not.
For it takes a good man to appreciate a good woman and vice versa.
If a good woman is married to a jerk, her stock value will forever keep plummettimg.
Infact, she becomes a damaged good for all other men since her self-esteem remain for ever in the toilets.
Such women should never re-marry.

biodell:
Sorry nairalanders for sharing my own problem instead of contributing. In my own marriage of less than 2 years. i dont have a friend in my spouse, he is married to his job, prefers sharing his personal and family problems with is friends and anyone that cares to listen. i tried talking to him d last time, he said his job is demanding and i should understand that. Anytime he is at home, he spent most hours on phone calling his subordinates because of the nature of his job which requires supervision. I have stuff i will want to discuss with him, but he seems to be 2 busy. i am really running out of patience, because i feel this marriage is too early for me to be lonely. Moreover, i feel he doesn't care about my feelings, cos d last time, he told me he wants his mother to come and live with us permanently because his Dad is late. and we know it with mother in-laws. i am just scared, pls wat do u advice

It is ok to share your problem with the world especially when you are anonymous to all.
Your marriage is less than 2 years old. You are married to a Nigerian man and it takes time for them to realize that they are no longer single.
Have your own exit strategy.
You cannot run out of patience in less than 10 years of marriage for you have not seen anything yet. Wait till the children arrive.
You are going to be lonely for the most part because marriage does not guarantee companionship contrary to popular beliefs.
Nigerian men especially, have a hard time expressing their feelings and I speak as one. It took a lot for me to learn how by a very patient and loving partner.
If he wants his mother to come and live permanently with you, then I must admit your husband is not working in your best interest.

But you are married and must face the music. Give it 10 years. Make sure you are always on top of things and in control of your home. Allow your mother-in-law in your home and try to make things work between all of you. Do not nag. Have a job and take care of yourself and your kids.

Have a life outside your marriage by maintaining a career and your own circle of friends so your husband does not feel you are needy. Look your best always, maintain your self-confidence, maintain a cheerful disposition always.

Let your actions speak louder than your words. Talk less but avoid allow your frustrations to affect other aspects of your life. If you drop dead this minute, your husband and the world will definitely move on. Take care of yourself. Most people only enjoy marriage after some 30 years. Your journey has only just begun. Winners never quit, for the next one will be no better for the grass is NEVER greener on the outside.

Blazay.

[quote author=Ileke-IdI link=topic=550768.msg7142750#msg7142750 date=1289755922]So ironic, esp coming from 2 almajiris [/quote]You think all Nigerians are as myopic as you are?
Keep chanting almajiri all over Nairaland.
One day you might just wake up to the fact that you may be the almajiri afterall.
Ignorant bi*tch!
You beta come out of the closet and stop deceiving people.
You incomplete old, trans-sexual hag.

marocguy:
And another tribalistic legend is born on nairaland. This time from the north. His name is "blazay".[/b]Back to topic. Ebonyi is the most susceptible PDP state in SE. I wont be suprised if ACN,APGA or any serious party collect it from PDP,tho thru d courts. Elechi martins is a disaster,but the biggest problem is the submisive nature of ebonyians to political deceit,admist abject poverty,

About time. 

excanny:
^^^

[b]The tribalistic legend is Urhobo. It seems he's trying to put his people on the world map. lolz

You can only keep guessing. I do not plan to meet any of you filthy swine from Nairaland or any other Nigerian fora for that matter.

Registering my presence. I miss the good old days.

Still rocking after all these years.
My best accomplishment ever.
Loving and being loved in return.
As I get older, I appreciate the presence of my spouse in my life.
The best friend God could ever give a man or a woman.

The most difficult challenges in marriages are:

1. Infidelity and betrayal of trust.

2. Financial problems.

3. Childlessnes.

4. Poor communication skills.

5. Dealing with extended family members.

6. Balancing your professional and personal lives.

7. Lack of love, romance and appreciation.

8. Verbal and domestic abuse.

9. Medical problems and bodily changes.

10. Lack of a common set of value systems.


These are the top 10 I could think of.

There is only one way to deal with all the challenges in marriage. Communication. When you are in touch with your feelings and avoid denial or desperation in your life, the rest comes easy. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and self-confidence goes a long way. Make up your mind about how you want to deal with each issue and stick to your decisions after careful deliberations of course.

Rule #1
Honesty is always the best policy. You cannot live a life of deceit and expect a marriage to work. If you got married for the wrong reasons, you will most definitely get divorced or separated for the right reasons.

Goodluck.