₦airaland Forum

@ Dinozzo, dis is some hard work man, thanks for the updates.

Old couple wanting to get married was discussing various matters like finances etc and then he asked her hesitantly:“How do u feel about intercourse?“ She replied: ”I would like it rather infrequently.“

He thought about this for a bit and asked her casually: ” Was your last word one or two words?“

Man has to buy a Bra for his wife but forgot the size of the cup. The young blond sales lady said: ”Well if it is going to help you, you may feel my breast so that you can determine the cup size“ which he did ….and then he said to her that he also has to buy his wife a panty and he also does not know the size, ?

Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten
million bucks but his bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed
that
a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify
about in court.

When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing
$10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money
is.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple,
and
says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell
him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the
trigger."

A good liar must have a good memory, if a man repeats a lie 21 times, it becomes the truth.

if anybody compare genevieve with am, i go shoot d person

beetintin:
If Oprah had read all these posts maybe she would have concluded that Nigerians
are idiots and stupid set of people!

Imagine, no link was provided to substantiate this claim and we are all cursing
and raining abuses unnecessarily.

Na wa for una o.

Seun once said it, why curse when she is saying the truth? God forgive all of una

thank God he's not Nigerian

baby boy is not 'bullet'!

pure water - Scratch - holler -  bulldog(american)/bullet(european) - baby boy - end of discussion

in that order.

oye tight/pumping - a/c
gbedu blasting - sound speakers + cd
awo seating - leather
alloy spinning - alloy wheels (rarely spinners)

Paded - usually for v-boots

flying carpet - picanto

frog eyed peas - E-class

regular - benz 200e -
baby benz - 190

bakassi - 2007 camry


accord and golf have the best 2nd hand value so if you're planning to trade your car in or resell it sometime in the future, go for either.

Dr Ferlie:
i will raise alarm and return the cash to the bank/government

Is this guy a nigerian?



@ Rowland,

When d CBN declared the capital base had to be 25bill min. some banks had to merge, some had to "pack up" Imagine 300m "mistakenly" . . . I no fit shout! Plus the guy wouldn't have told anyone (overpayment na serious matter o, no be HSBC we dey talk na)

Hey Uzor, u said it all!

HAPI B'day in Advance, More palm oil/palm wine 2 ur mouth

Seun, with all the beef around you, you sure deserve to have such a dog beside you all the time I'd rather have a Tiger instead.

Mr Fergie/ferlie,

Muki is 6ft "LONG" with "portable" ikebe and "hausa" nose, if u see am, you go "LOSE CONTROL O!!!"

Talking about cars, Prado 2006 no go do am o, u know say na model, just run go get corvette 2007 or Ferrarri, dat one go make sense.

FYI, Muki'll be in Lag any time from next week, so process ur documents on time so she go fit give u her GLO line when she land.

To speak with am, consultation fee na 1,000 dollars per minute, to see am no hard but u gast come with ya casket.

Hope say i no "under" yarn.

Muki, nor be me dey type o na d malware wey dey my lappie dey press keys

Don't worry Manchester United will sell Tevez to Inter where is heart is @ next season

And as for Torres? Hmnn I just dey laugh @ transfers this window, it's so so crazy.

Tevez was destined for milan, Torres long time Arsenal target, Croatian Eduardo, hmnnn and what the hell happened to David Villa? Where da heck is Eto'o, this transfer season is full of Bull Shite!!!

Apple are known to produce notoriously expensive electronics. Good design and intentions but definitely not the best in the market. Reminds me of ipod/zune.

And where the heck is david?

I no know say Razorr don kolomental finish!

Chinese balls bad o!

UME?

1997 - 177
1998 - 169
1999 - Gave up!

Can anyone here beat that?

WAEC was worse!

Whoever said "Turn your AC on on the highway and off on the streets makes MAXIMUM and PRACTICAL sense"

Why you should leave ur windows down on the street or in a traffic jam:

1. Apongbon boys killed a lady last year while trying to smash her windows in a bid to snatch her phone from her. The rod mistakenly went into her left side (and hit the heart) she died 2 hours after.

2. Apongbon, Osbourne Road, Ijora, Cement and a host of lagos traffic spots have witnessed massive daylight robbery and woe betide u if ur A/C's on at that time. You won't only lose your windows, you'll lose your phones and maybe, your life or pay some medical bills.

Una don hear me so? On the streets of lag, errbody gotta play STREETZ. Leave ur windows down and switch ur a/c on if you wish.

globalaid:
@amebolive, i don't know the meaning for the caption of your story, it is unfair to say ile ife is where the yahoo boys are because of the two address you put up there and you did not also give us the source of your story, next time think before you post on a public forum like this, we ife are law abiding citizen and we are proud of our town.

I hail una o, You gat prisons in ife?


@ Westee,

I'm speechless Thaks for revealing your identity!

@ Double N,

you are right, why would i leave my car @ home and trek 2 km before getting a bike to take me to the mainroad where i'll get a Metro Bus? Makes sense? only to return at 10pm when the area is "unsafe" and pray to God as i walk through the valley of the shadow of death?

It just doesnt make sense. The Metro bus can only drop me halfway to my home and more than 80 of lagosians live off the major road, those who intend to work late into the night (like Chris) can't rely on it.

Ikeja to surulere in 3 hours means Lagos to ibadan in 2 days

A man's logic
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and a part of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

A man's logic
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and a part of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

@ Seun and oIo,

DId you miss out on the keywords "Street lights and heavy security"

Implementing a 24-hour megacity won't only ease the flow of traffic due to the availability of work-time options, it'll also reduce unemployment.

If electricity is stable and there's adequate security, i see no reason why Lagosians shouldn't be flexible in their schedule. Even churches'll run 247.

angel101 has said it all.

Looking at lagos, i can point out that:

1. A good drainage system won't work if dumping of refuse is not reviewed. The new ones Julius berger created some 2 months ago have been filled with refuse (pure water bags esp.)

2. Widening the lanes mean nothing if pot holes are not filled and "Danfos" are not checked. I once spent 2 hours on the 3rd mainland bridge, on lanes designed to accomodate 4 jeeps or 5 cars or 7 "picantos" and when i got to the end of the bridge, the "danfos" were STILL on 3 lanes leaving a bottleneck for the whole of the island to squeeze their cars in through - - - and LASTMA guys were there doing nothing!

3. There are already greener pastures than lagos around but people prefer to come in 2's and 3's down to AJ city than live a royal life back in the village. Lagosians won't leave lagos!

4. The best solution remains a 24-hour lagos. Run businesses 24 hours, with street lights and heavy security. Turn lagos into a place where the day never ends, where night and day have no difference. If half the state can work 12 hours and the other half, the other 12 hours I think we can strike a balance here, plus there'll be more jobs since you share your seat with your half day colleague. makes sense?

fromuk:
last week i went to buy a laptop from one of the leading PC store in Europe, i intended buy centrino but when i went their i fund out that centrino is almost not available. what on board now from Intel is Dual Core 2 Duo i asked one of the Tech Guys they have their he told me that Core 2 Duo is the letest in computer processor. I ask how he told me that with special CD you can record on both sides which centrino and others can't do.
Please i want to know if this is correct as i have not opened the laptop i bought yet which i can easily send back if actually he decived me.

He was probably right all along but at this point, he's talking trash! unless of course you were'nt paying attention or you got carried away by the prospect of using an ultra modern laptop.

He was prolly refering to Multi Layer (or Double Layer) DVD +-RW.

Your processor speed has nothing to do with that, you can even purchase external devices to do that. Core2Duo is not only powerful, it emits less heats and thus conserves battery life.

It's relatively cheap, about $700 after rebate for the new toshiba with thumbprint recognition. Watch out for user reviews before you buy. Toshiba Satellite M series is bullshit, with no reset button and 95% thumbs down from users. That i think should come first!

Two Georgia football players are taking a college exam. If they fail they will not be allowed to play in next week's big game.

The exam is fill-in-the-blank. The last question reads, "Old MacDonald had a ______."

Well, Bubba is stumped. He has no idea what the answer might be. He knows he needs to get this one right to be sure he passes. So, Bubba looks around to make sure the professor isn't watching and then taps Jethro on the shoulder. "Psst! Jethro. What's the answer to the last question?"

Jethro laughs. He looks around to make sure they isn’t watchin and then Jethro turns to Bubba and says, "Bubba, man you're so stupid. Everybody knows that Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Ohhhh," says Bubba. "I remember." So, Bubba starts filling in the blank, but stops. He again reaches over and taps Jethro’s shoulder and whispers, "Hey, how do you spell farm?"

"Man Bubba, you really are brainless. Duh? That's EASY! Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

My mum attempted to buy a plot of land in Ikorodu sometime in 2003 for 220,000 naira,next thing the agent said Omo Onile have to be paid another 85,000 (1/3) making 305,000 naira. She backed out sharply. Why?

Cos in 2002, my dad tried to convert our modest bungalow to . . .(u know now) and the moment we started work on the decking omo oniles rushed down. They threatened brimstone and fire and this and that until they collected 15,000 naira meaning whenever you attempt to develop your house (so long as you are buying building materials) they are sure to come for their share.

Omo Oniles, Agberos, Police Men, PHCN and Politicians are all the same!

WHY AFRICANS R ALWAYS TIRED,

Its not laziness, here is the reason

For a couple years many Africans have been blaming it on lack of sleep,

too much pressure from job, poor blood, but now the real reason has

been found:

We're tired because we're overworked. Here's why:

1. The population of Africa is 800 million: 200 million are retired. That leaves 600 million.

2. There are 200 million in school, which leaves 400 million to do the work.

3. Of this, there are 100 million employed by the government. Leaving 300 million to do the work.

4. 50 Million are in the armed forces & related jobs; which leaves 250 million to do the work.

5. Take from the total the 150 million people unemployed. And that leaves 100 million to do the work.

6. At any given time there are 50 Million people in hospitals. Leaving 50 Million to do the work.

7. There are 20 Million people in prisons. Leaving 30 million to do the work.

8. 1 Million are Chiefs, Kings, Queens , Presidents, Ministers, pastors, Voodoo or Juju Masters.

Leaving 29 Million to do the work.

9. Now, 28,999,998 Africans are out of Africa . In Europe, USA , Asia etc.

That leaves just two people to do all the work.

You and me, but you're sitting on your chair, at your computer, reading this jokes instead of working,

That leaves one person, only me, to do all the work,

CLOSE THIS WINDOW N GET BACK TO WORK

@ Gold

This is one for the adults

VAT on Electricity bills too. Ya''aaay, My area aint seen power supply for months, what's the world turning to?

Na who talk say make dem spend billions on campaign? The only way to recuperate na to make the voters suffer eh? All of una wey waste una time go vote don dey enjoy the dividends of democracy now abi?

Unfortunately, the rich don't vote

Election, count me out. Revolution, count me in. Who wants to lead? Wake up guys and get back to work, nothing's gonna happen, next thing you hear, is BREATHING TAX (pay tax for oxygen okay, and i'm sure everyone will). I'm so proud to be Nigerian.

My GPA was 4.19 till I lost control. (abeg no be the EFCC type o )