₦airaland Forum

babygirlfl:
I read the story and it was so sad.

I've almost given up.

Just why I love efemenaxy.

I don't support death penalty for rape cases.

Long term prison sentence.

Some oyibo dwellers are also guilty of this.


They are caught up in the fast life of making money and seem to have time for nothing else. I hear some countries are beginning to make family vacation mandatory for everyone as they've seen that families that take vacations together often have less divorce rates.

I know I was raised in NIGERIA but I didn't grow up with that mindset. I must confess some of my friends thought me weird and some would blame my too much reading as the culprit.

"What do you love flowers for? You wan chop am? You be goat?"

Noloss:
Too bad. Guess u gat no kids

Not yet.

Maybe when I do, my choice of a last thing to do before I die will change

freecocoa:
Are you talking about the olden days or what? Because I know that igbos still perform the traditional marriage rites and all the above is not applicable in this times.

Actually it still is.

Unless the husband doesn't want the kids. If he does, they are his until he and his wife divorce.
Of course he won't agree to the divorce if he wants the kids.

Best believe it.
They are that mean.

Imagine the first thing they thought about the girl is that she must be a prostitute. Poor thing.

tearoses:
They should all be banned for violating rule 8

But seriously some things I do wonder about & cant blame anyone who doesnt take this place seriously.

I was shocked when I read some comments about the Timaya alleged rape

No one seemed to understand that even if he didnt rape the woman he was cheating on his lover. It was the girl who was being blamed. Today the same Timaya is being celebrated on the front page. What is wrong with people?

The other day a girl bled to death on the main road & no one stopped to help . . .however some of the comments I read were disgusting.

Are people this mean?

Whats his name (he is an actor) accidentaly paid in 50k to the wrong persons account and he asked for the money to be returned but the fellow didnt return the money. Some Nairalanders were condemming the actor and said they will not return the money either had it been them.
Sometimes I wish the things I read are not true
It will be really scary if they were all true.
No one is safe
These people can kidnap and kill one

FriedPlantain:
I tell you. Imagine all those small small lions wey wan down that big elephant.

Haha fearless things.

Noloss:
What if they decide to leave ur body there to rot?

E no 'consign' me.

The dead have no feeling.

Those lions no get respect.

I give up.

Nairaland needs to set her priorities straight.

This is just xtupid.

I've to say it if no else will.

He can get someone pregnant by mistake without planning to be a dad but when it happens, the dad in him comes out and you say he can't be a father because he isn't married to the woman?


@bold she waited for decades and then ruined it by going about it the wrong way. Western style marriage doesn't forbid, sperm donorship or adoption or any of the solution couples can look for in cases of infertility.
I'm not judging her o before someone will ask me if I wouldn't do same in her shoes

I'm just feeling for the man.
The blame is not on western style marriage here. The blame is squarely on her.

I wonder how she can make it right to him again at this late hour of his life.

carnegiefan:
Any man that wants to have children of his own in Igboland MUST marry. QED.
If a man goes about impregnating women for whatever reasons, the .a.s.s. is on him because those kids are NOT his, and he can NEVER claim them unless he marries the women.
As for a husband, if wants kids from his wife, all he needs is to impregnant her. He can talk to her to understand and wait with him if he is struggling (which most women understand and comply with provided he is a good man that takes care of their needs).
In the case of this OP, the woman seem to have waited for decades. Not excusing her actions though because it seems that she didn't talk to him first. She is mandated by tradition to talk to him first and get his approval before doing anything. But western marriages have no such "talk" window. Your only option is adultery.
Nne it is a long story. But read up first before we can debate.

You say the issue of fidelity didn't come up in African (Igbo) style marriages. That's just not true.

But what's true is that the husband owns the kids regardless of who the woman slept with to bear them. And I know it is still in practice until today.

It doesn't mean our people used to turn a blind eye to infidelity. It just means it wasn't the end of the world like it seems now. The woman could appease the husband in his own way and their marriage continues as she can't take the kids from him even she wanted to leave. It seems like a great practice that aims at not exposing the kids to rancor or ridicule
But
What about the biological father of the kids? What say you about his rights to be a father to his kids.
Forget that he committed an offense sleeping with another man's wife.

Anyway if this man in the story is Igbo, the kids are his and he has nothing to fear about losing them unless of course the secularity of civil law is allowed to take preeminence over ethnic beliefs.
I.e the biological dad comes up one day and decides to sue for his kids.

I feel sorry for him.

carnegiefan:
Believe me, it didn't have such questions before the coming of the British laws of marriage. I used to be ignorant like you until I started to read research books and articles on traditional Igbo marriages in pre-colonial Igboland.
My eyes opened BIG TIME!

All the recent traditional Igbo marriages simply infused British marriage philosophy into our marriages thereby laying so much emphasis on paternity.
Have you ever wondered why Igbo people say that any child born in a marriage automatically belongs to the husband? I hope you know that this is the case even till date.
I encourage you to read up on pre-colonial Igbo marriages.
It had answers to ALL issues bedevilig marriages today.

While this looks good on paper and in reality helps to protect the interests of the children,
What about the real father of the kids?
This kind of system robs him of his right to be a father to the kids if he wants to be unless he marries the woman. Who may not want to marry him as she only used him for procreation.

Omo other people's rights have to be respected too. I'm Igbo too in case you think I'm hating on the culture.

carnegiefan:
This is one of the main reasons I believe that western style marriage should be done away with in Africa. I say it because Africans can't handle its full application and consequences.

In Igboland where I come from, in traditional marriages, all children born to a marriage automatically belongs to the husband. No "ands" or "ifs" or "buts" about it. The traditional Igbo marriage emphasizes the family (complete with father, mother, children) more than anything else including "love", "sex", "fidelity" etc. In fact it is irresponsible in traditional Igbo marriage for a man to even question the paternity of his children. It simply implies that the man is a failed husband and father.

Before a women marries in Igbo land, her fertitily (which is the only thing being tranfered in marriage) belongs to her father, or any male family survivor to the father. That is why if a girl delivers a baby at home before marriage, the child immediately belongs to her father's family. The child only gets transfered to the biological father if the man pays for the bride price -which is often misunderstood for selling the women, but is a deep old tested culture that solves all types of problems including the one being discussed here.

In Igbo traditional marriage, sex is not exclusively included in the deal. A woman cannot be thrown out of her marriage just because she had sex with a person other than the husband. The Igbo understood that patenity test is really a selfish, vain, futile and wasteful excercise that always shortchange children.

The Igbo believe that a woman gives sex to whoever takes good care of her -in this case it should be the husband- but some men fail miserably in this duty. I'm not saying that a woman can just have sex with anyone; all I'm saying is that she can have children (preferably with the agreement or acquiessance 0f her husband) with a carefully chosen man (someone not a blood relation to the woman). If she has sex with a man other than the husband, it is assumed that the man is neglecting her somehow.

So, OP if the complainant is Igbo, tell him to call his wife, sit her down and ask about the paternity. But he should promise her that nothing would change in her marriage, afterall he failed to impregnate her in decades of marriage. She is entitled to have kids, and those kids are HIS!

There is more to say but let me stop here for now...

carnegiefan:
The level of mistrust and questions of fidelity will continue to wreck havoc in western style marriages.
Just sad.

Funny you.

African style marriages don't have questions of fidelity coming up?

There's no way on earth he can live and die without confronting her on the issue. It's only a matter of time. So the earlier the better for him.

She was wrong on so many levels.
If she felt the problem wasn't her, she could have earlier on encouraged him to go for testing with her and that could have made all the difference because then they would make the choice of a sperm donor together or adoption.

He obviously doesn't want a divorce because to him divorce at his age when he can't father kids would be like condemning himself to the rest of a life of loneliness without the kids he's come to know as his own and a very slim chance at remarriage if he's honest to the next lady about his sterility.

That woman has stripped him of major choices in his life and that's very unfair.

freecocoa:
Lol, hell fire go be your case o, coco repent.

I'm thinking about it

freecocoa:
The point remains, what if he fails in his part? Does that mean you should fail too?

Invariably.

I can't relate well with someone who disrespects me much less submit to him.

God knows that is how he made me. He even saw it before I got married. The very nature he created me to have won't allow me to lie down and take humiliation without question.

He will understand

Every girl is a prostitute in NIGERIA.

Bunch of women haters.

Empty my account and travel to some place exotic.

Probably die there and leave them with the task of transporting my corpse back. Selfish me

I agree

limamintruth:
lol
The Biblical submission doesnt mean being unequal. Remember the same Bible regards marriage as a legal union where two separate individuals(male&female) become one indivisible body.
How then can there be inequality after the couple have become one body?

As someone said earlier, each spouse has a special role to play that is neither greater/better nor less important than that of the other spouse. They are to work as a team, and not as rivals or competitors (just as the head cannot rival the hand, same way the neck cannot be competing with the stomach).

Sorry for barging in anyways since the O.P clearly pointed out that this thread is for feminists only.




I very much agree with you except the 'the man being the boss thingy'.

Biblically, being the Head does not automatically translate to being 'the boss' as you put it.

Remember Jesus Himself explained that the greatest among you should be the servant of all.
Hence, being the Head is about being the servant of all, because as the head of your family, you are expected to make lots of sacrifices for your family(the same way Christ Jesus served the church and gave His life for her - the supreme sacrifice).

Therefore, being the boss is totally out of the question. Mutual respect is what is required.




Sorry but this opinion of yours is more cultural than biblical.


Once again, apologies to the O.P for barging into her feminazi thread.

Phema:
But eeerrrmmm, that is what God expects from us nah.


He's very well. You and yours?

we are fine.

freecocoa:
Now leading back to your question, wouldn't she be disobeying God?

The same way my husband would be disobeying god if he doesn't honor me. If he does honor me, we wouldn't have reason to be at odds because I'll have a place of honor in my home and not the place of an inferior partner.

Theres a reason why both parties have to keep their part of the commandments.

People need to focus some more on what husbands are commanded to do. Wives have heard theirs over and over it has become so stale.

Phema:
Now, that is common sense.

Lol. People regardless of what they say can't practice true submission. Just like there are many things in the bible you can't do literally the way they are commanded.



How's our little prince?

The two are meant to work hand in hand.

No human except one with a severely destroyed sense of self can submit to a disrespectful spouse.

Phema:
We are talking about biblical principles. And we are talking about submission on the part of the woman. Men having to love their wives can be treated separately and we can go ahead and dissect that.

How does the Bible want the woman to submit? Is it not in everything? Did it give a condition that unless the man plays his part (loving his wife as God loves the church), the woman should not submit?

Be honest, can you submit in everything to someone you claim to be equal to?

And no. The true christian should live by biblical principles and not common sense. They are two different things.

Lol. So Christians don't have common sense then?
I beg to disagree

The bible does command men to honor their wives. You don't lord it over someone you honor or disrespect them in any way. You don't value yourself above someone who's to be honored by you.

People seem to forget there's a commandment for husbands too because they are all busy trying to preach to women all the time.

There's equality if both parties play their part not one side reminding the other of the biblical injunction but conveniently ignoring theirs.

Phema:
Nice thread. But again, you are not defining submission in marriage according to the Bible.

The Bible says "wives submit to your husbands in all things". This means that you MUST do your husband's bidding ALWAYS, even when it really doesn't make sense.

And no. A husband and wife are not equal, biblically. You donot submit "in all things" to someone you are equal to. The way I see it, one is either a christian who lives by the Bible or an athiest/non practising christian who lives by common sense. But a real christian woman should submit to her husband always, hence not equal to him.

Now, my question is; what if my husband wants me to do something that is obviously a sin? At what point does one say no to submission without going against God's word?

yvonne111:
shoro niyen? do u think its easy to move from one husband to another...a good woman wnt cal it quit cos of a new woman...+u dnt have any ryt to judge her like that, u didnt live with them, the man myt be the p,why should he have another wife

A good woman with self respect will leave the man if he has another wife outside.
Except for Muslims you know. As per their religion.

Ok. I thought you meant sagakids as a brand of something you're looking into. Maybe a product for black kids.

You know, entrepreneur things

Sagamite:
You know I have never been conventional nor am I follow-follow.

My kids are going to be educated innovative and in my way.

Right from when they are young, I will be training them on business, success and customer services.

Getting a job would be a stepping stone or a last resort. Not the reverse we have in Africa right now.

My kids would be smart, good looking and successful.

I agree with you on other things.

I only meant the black identity and ethnic culture presence in the west. Since blacks were slaves in the west unlike the Asians, wouldn't it make sense their pride in who they are was beaten out alongside their will. Hence we don't have strongholds of black communities who have a whole section of the town to themselves with their culture present just by looking at their buildings built in the African patterns or languages openly spoken as lingua Franca in that area or the street signs written in African languages and tourists pouring in to experience Africa in America as they would go into Chinatown to experience China in America.

Sagamite:
Black mentality is to blame.

Stop blaming something of 200 years ago.

The blacks that are back in Africa that were never slaves, are they doing any better?

I have been thinking about this issue in my rage with the black race.

https://www.nairaland.com/2514170/reading-culture-gone-bad-worse/4#36816102

What is regberegbe bukatyne.

I swear I'll slap this phone one day
Oversabi autocorrect.
You can't believe how long it took to type that word.

Sagamite what's your sagakids going to be about?

Well obviously it's about kids but how?