₦airaland Forum

odeebee: Hi Roomie av been following u guys up for a while now. Am Sam a Ph based guy. i really Love u all

alutacontinua: The above ain't true.
and no, it's not because the op ain't male, it's more like the tsunami brought back another NL.
the kinda lashing and judgment she would have recieved here, she for don vex marry the bf

LyndaRoyce: All things being equal, a man isn't suppose to date a lady for 6months or more without sincerely conceiving the thought of tying the knot with her in the nearest future.
Some of you men are the reason why some ladies remain unmarried even in their late thirties..... Why will a man in his right senses date a lady for 10yrs or more without putting a ring on it?
Free kitchen services.....
Free laundry services......
Free cleaning/arrangement services.....
Not forgetting, free tosky services!
Now tell me, why won't she be desperate after going through all that for decade and still counting......
Ya'll don't want bad/rotten wives yet to use and dispose girls @will...... Who are u dumping them for?
If every man should have a sincere relationship with just a single lady and then tie the knot after few months; I think the number of unmarried ladies would be @a diminishing rate.
If you don't want a "bad wife"; don't make another man's wife "bad"!

byvan: Ona a mature nike nike .

afrolearn: Zboyd, we get it. It is good to hear these perspectives but we should also read more into what these articles are saying.

In Nigeria, we sometimes force unions that should not be. The man or woman that keeps straying should be left alone to stray and then settle down with the person they "really" want. Instead of giving the spouse the opportunity to contract a disease. The man or woman who keeps beating up their spouse should be sent to a mental asylum instead of elders forcing him to go back to his wife. When the spouse is beaten to death, those same elders will be crying foul.
I am of the opinion that sincere marriages in the diaspora work. A good number of "failed" marriages are marriages of convenience. Do you know how many people get married for papers? Not to white girls o, to fellow Nigerians? Do you know how many men rush home to marry some girl they have not really interacted with and then expect her to come to the US and "conform"? Who even told us this works? If you will call leaving a cheating spouse or abusive spouse societal influence then so be it. Dr. Ndukwe is a researcher, he should look at the numbers properly. In the developed nations...some Nigerian marriages can not last because one spouse forgets that he/she (unfortunately usually he) is in a place that does not condone the maltreatment of a human being.

It is high time Nigerian men (because it is us that shout a lot) stop complaining about divorce rates and do what we can to move our homes forward. We are failing to be the heads, you should see how some African stores are filled with men sitting and idly making silly noises about nothing. I have counseled too some men who think "white girls are only for tasting", yet they have wives at home. We did a fellowship for married men at my Church and we spend time counseling each other on how to be better fathers and husbands. Our women are here working so hard to ensure their families have good lives and some of the men are doing their bid but all this whining we have going on is because our men are in a place where no one makes excuses for their behavior like it would be at home.

One more thing, at home divorce is not as rampant because it is still seen as a taboo. Instead of a divorce, the spouses live as roommates. The man might start a whole new life with another lady while the lady faces the children or starts seeing another man. But for the sake of "what people will say", they are still married. I am not sure how this is any better than what is happening outside the country.

I just feel we should look at why our homes are falling apart and stop trying to fly the "divorce is rampant in America because of societal influence".

crackhaus: Finally @emboldened, we are at an accord. That has been my pivot for this whole argument and I'm surprised you didn't notice it earlier or say that part earlier...you could have saved me the stress of typing long epistles.

As for the remaining parts of your post, they do not pertain to this topic and thus is beside the point...you trying to tie two different knots with the one situation here first sake of argument.

Timzy234: Booked...this is fun you know!!!!

naijababe: Never ever repeat this sentence again!

crackhaus: I believe we were past that prerogative part, it was in reference to having a woman pay the bills (light, refuse, etc)

As for the emboldened, what happens when the man still doesn't yield to any of your possible solutions?
At least, you're starting to understand that it's the woman that should compromise on does house hold chores and not the man.

cKaiser: Thats why its better for both to work and finance the house equally while also doing the chores equally. That would ensure that there is no cheating

azzima: that reminds me of P Diddy. He transitioned into business by making use of the noise. though he wasn't really talented in music. God bless him

crackhaus: Lorretta, with the way you made that response, I can't quote it easily and I don't want to be copying and pasting your individual responses.
I'll just deal with it as best I can:

1. It may be happening but it's not common, hence you can't say MANY.

2. I threw you that bone on 'only men with lesser income' and you rightly jumped on it to make your point.
Again, such men with lesser pay do not come out openly to complain of such...ego won't allow it, and some don't need to complain because they already their wife will take care of it.

3. Wrong! unless they already have an agreement that says she also contributes, most men would not even bring the topic up, much more complain about it.

4. Marrying an independent woman is about having a woman that can take care of her 'personal' needs/responsibilities without informing the man or asking all the time...it is not about her giving the man money.
I think now you're just grasping at straws, cos everyone knows this.

5. Everyone wants to eat their cake and have it, but with women it's far worse. Y'all want to eat your cake, have it back intact, still eat it again, enjoy it and wash it down with expensive wine, then still have it back again intact.
It's a loop/cycle with you women...

6. Answer same as number 4.

7. If she initially agreed to contribute, how is this a problem then if he has to remind her that she should pay up soon? Afterall she agreed to that in the first place.
See what I said about women still needing the queen treatment when she already gets help in other areas.

8. Women who don't want to spend a dime in their marriages even after the husband fulfilled and paid all the necessary cash on her head, should not complain when that husband acts like he owns them. Simple logic.

9. I like your safe answers in your last response...but still, you haven't answered directly because it will undermine a lot.

cKaiser: ^^ Its on record that black women are the ones with the highest rate on broken down families or non existing family structure.

The aggression of a black woman both at the family front and at the work place has made them tagged "Angry black women"

Hardly do you hear an Asian woman yelling about feminism but its blacks who take it on their head and feminism is anti-traditional family.

Most feminist dont even believe they should be under any man's roof like this CEO, playing wife and daughter-in-law

BTW those who operate in the traditional family setup of man and wife still have a significantly higher chance of success

dont8: You can make your conclusion, but I come in peace.

Ranchhoddas: is that what i asked you? What is your definition of talent?

mizshawny: Seriously What are some people thinking? 4m on a wrist watch that tells only the time, AM PM finish. The same work a 250 wrist watch would do. Please o does the rolex tell when God's kingdom would come

Ranchhoddas: he is not as talented as he is hyped?really? Define talent.

dont8: Well, it wont be a bad thing if you can do all that! But you can do more I meant is for you not to crisis the kind of music he does or his personality, because we all know the reason most people hate him is because he severed his working relationship with Don Jazzy and not necessary the music he does.

crackhaus: Your post @emboldened is not entirely right.
Pray tell, what is the present crop of men? And did you say MANY will complain about their wives not helping to pay bills?
You can't possibly believe this, because this situation you just described is very much in the minority...thus you can't say MANY.

I believe it. It is true. It is happening

Besides, it's highly probable that it's only a man with a lesser paying job or with no job at all who can openly complain about bills not being paid by his wife.

that's it. Are there not many men with lesser paying jobs? That's your answer. There are many such men and yes they complain. So it is not a thing of minority

I'm honestly yet to come across a working man who would see the bills piling up and wait for his wife to pay it or get angry and complain about her not paying it.

he might complain about her not contributing.

Bukatyne made a good point with the 'mutual agreement' to share bills, but in a case where this agreement Isn't made formally, a normal working man making his money will not fuzz about paying bills...it's not even conceivable.

not concievable to you that is. But have you asked what all the noise about marrying an independent woman is all about?.

You spoke about men wanting to eat their cake and have it? What cake exactly? Having a shared responsibility in paying bills and still leaving the house work to the woman? Is this what you mean?
Well that doesn't even fit logically, because at the end of the day it's the woman while still wants to be treated like a queen after the man decides to help with housework. Now who wants to eat their cake and have it?

everybody wants to eat their cakes and have it. It's human nature

And no you're wrong, MANY men don't complain that their wives don't match up financially to them...as a matter of fact, that's the kind of position MANY men enjoy being in to avoid a woman getting the impression that she brings exactly or close to what he brings into the home.

so I'm still asking what the 'independent' woman thing is all about. That's all I hear from men these days.

As for men who are expecting and demanding money from their wives, again this your theory is very much localized to men with no job or a very little income stream....NO MAN with a job and steady source of income that exceeds that of his wife will expect money from her, not to mention demand...the exception to this is if they both agreed to jointly share a certain task as regards money

.exception? Na. It's the in things.they both agree to share certain tasks as regards money because the man sees the need for her to contribute.

With regards to your last paragraph, a man such as that will still get married...they're getting married everyday and their wives have learned and understood the man they married.

that is correct. So also are women who don't want to spend a dime in their marriages getting married because the (few) men are fine with the arrangement..


So here is a question women find hard to understand...Maybe you can answer it,
"when a man decides that he cannot share household chores with his wife, maybe not explicitly but noticeably...what should/will the woman do about it?"
Let's be realistic here and for once remove the NL cloak.

Do you advice her to divorce or start sulking or start squeezing her face or begin disrespecting her husband because he refused to yield to her?
Will the marriage not go on in peace while that woman finds a way to go about it if it bothers her so much?

It is not a competition, the moment a woman starts to act forcibly and pressuring her husband about chores, that marriage starts on a downward slope...because whether we like it or not, MOST men don't like being told what to do or how to do it especially by their wives.
They may not show it and go ahead to obey for peace sake, but it bothers them within...and the more the wife stresses him over sharing chores, the closer it is for him to start having an excuse to staying out late just to balance out the 'who comes home first' problem. This is even the mild one, some would even become nonchalant and turn a deaf ear to that woman until she gets tired of talking.

you're asking me to answer honestly? Well each case will be treated according to it's own merit.
It's not a big enough issue to cause divorce or that kind of rancour. What should she do?
1) communicate: "honey you don't like to do house work. You hardly take care of anything around the home and you wait for me to get back before anything gets done even though I'm always stressed out and tired from work.even the kids are always unfed,wet nappies and all the week load of laundry is waiting for me.
well I think I can try reducing my work hrs so that I can be home more often to take care of it while you get a better job or 2 jobs even so that you can make enough money to cover for my reduced income"

2: if she is career oriented and can't imagine slowing down or stopping,they get a house keeper. See? Win-win

3: or they both live in the filth. I know one family that does that fine
If the man is above house work. But not making enough to cover should the wife stop work and maybe they can't afford a house keeper,what else can they do?
Live in the filth!

.