yewa man, i see u've been up to ur usual mischief, well done.i don catch u today.y u de dodge my phone calls, abi u think say i no go ever see u.ur rent is 8 months overdue and i don do arrangee court hearing for u.dem don pack ur ghana-must-go,ask Kasali for it.i don change d house keys o.and dont try sending Yewa-Babe to beg me, i will just take advantage of her (after all, u still de owe me,and she set well well.fine woman).in short, okay, she can stay, but YOU this Yewa-man & yewapikins, u must all comot today today.

i feel u o jare.if hitv thinks gettin premiership rights is all they need to ensure their survival, they wont last very long.they've paid a huge fee for a license they dont have the technology, market depth and expertise on how to recoup their investment, talk less of make a profit.

their decoder platform is a throw-back from the 80s and the picture quality is rubbish.if it's raining nko?just 4get it.then there is d matter of programming content, what excuse can they possibly put forward for recycling 5 naija home-videos on hi-nolly.

it's a collosal disgrace and i'm highly embarrassed on their behalf.

i guess there r no surprises with justice being d 1st one to go.sad to miss d lil bugger though.

no surprises, we all know utaka na good player,but the issue is, can he beat d awesome chelski machine, d answer is no.no doubt, pompey gave a good account of themselves.there's no disgrace in loosing to chelsea.

Lagos driving tips
Driving in Lagos is not for the weak-willed. We feel it's important that newcomers read the following article before venturing forth.


Driving Tips by Anonymous

Lagos is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in Nigeria in which to drive. Who would argue? For those of you who think that driving in London or NY is stressful, herewith, for newcomers and visitors, are a few basic rules of the road for driving in Las Gidi:

First of all, know the battalion to which you belong. There is an unending and vicious road war in Lagos. In the first battalion, are motorcyclists popularly called Okada. They have a pact with suicide avoid them at all costs.

In the second battalion are commercial bus drivers. Their buses are known by various names including - Danfo, Molue (literally means "I go beat you", Bolekaja (means "Come down, make we fight), Kabu-kabu, etc. As these names imply, they are not the smartest species on the face of the planet. Avoid them. What a bitter experience? I don want to cry again. I almost did that day!

In the third battalion are the "guys of the siren": escort riders, Bullion vans, trailers, etc. They have immunity against death. Besides, they get a medal for every scratch, and a certificate of bravery for every bash. No need to tell you to stay clear of them. The Men in black even with empty bullion, I don have empty threat! Be guided.

In the fourth battalion are private guys like me. All we have at our disposal are big talk and empty threats - we have no rights. Sometimes we employ what is called "Ogboju"(bravado) to get by. Due to frustration of being home late or at work. We are a pound in flesh in getting our ways in traffic too. what a mess!!No gentlemen again in Lag?

Further rules:

1. When in doubt, accelerate.
2. Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't reach the top of the steering wheel.
3. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. Don't yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise
4. Taxicabs sho uld always have the right of way, unless you are bent on suicide.
5. Get used to "Okada" riders saying things like: "Commot that scrap for road", "Mr. I go drive myself". It is normal, and we just ignore them. These days okadas are heavy duty machine too 'cos they carry multiple passengers. Husband and wife. I believe They don t complaint of overload as long as the woman is in the middle.
6. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
7. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest u may say!
8. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. I got one man fishing in one of the potholes, that tells u how deep it is.
9. There is no such thing as "one-way"in Lagos. Expect traffic from any direction at all times.
10. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
11. There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that 'short-cut'.
12. It is traditional in Lagos to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant their bumpers are not touching the next car.
13. When asking for directions, always ask at least 3 people. Lagosians claim to know every inch of the city - even areas they've never been.
14. Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.
15. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.
16. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.
17. Hazard lights (popularly called "double pointer" is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bonafide Lagos driver, he's headed 'straight' and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his "horn".
18. At any given time T, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic that you look like a zebra.
19. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.
20. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.
21. In Lag every spot is potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA knows that too. I dey in their constitution.
21. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tire.

Good luck-you'll need it!

in belleti, we've secured a hard-nosed no-nonsense defender and i think he'll definitely make that right flank his own, when he aint injured.i'm sad we missed out on alves , but i think chelski big guns were right to snubb those greedy f---ks at sevilla.
now essien can concentrate on his supreme mid-field dominance instead of covering up for every position that we seem to be lacking.

up chelsea, we r d team to beat.

but, the lil guy and all his drama does bring something to the house and he certainly has entertainment value, wether it's him arguing about a senseless point or just plain clowning.my man jeff is absolutely dry, if there were 12 of him in d house, i 4 sue MNET 4 trying to kill me with boredom.who says he's no theat, watchin him do his excercise routine is such a scary & horrible sight, not for the faint hearted.it could scare some people off excercising for life.

LOL,
Seems d oracle has got ur nuts in a bunch.na me say make una team wowo, 4 havin d audacity to commit further grievious acts of missyan, i have initiated a trailerload of ill-luck on your dear beloved Man-Scum.u r all heading for relegation.

so let it be written.

ORACLE PICKS UP D STONE, utters some incantations, and orders it back to d sender, it heats him btw d legs.

no try me.

pompey de try o but i really respect their coach because he no de allow their success enter his head and he has very realistic expectations of his vastly experienced team.he is not trying to win d league or upset the balance of power.he definitely wont be coming at chelsea hoping for a win, he knows better than that.a respectable 1 - 0 scoreline is satisfactory.if na manscum, ass-inner or liver-fool, he fit try him luck.at d end of the season, maybe a place in UEFACUP awaits them.

THE ORACLE HAS SPOKEN.

Jackal:

Death awaits the ORACLE.
The Oracle is a Arrow.

d oracle never dies my son.

d oracle suggests u change ur brand of coffee.

meanwhile,i hope u r not a betting man.u know what they say about fools and their money.

well, it was 50-50 true, and we had so many other chances to bury their ass, but, i still cant stop thankin d ref.it's a shame though because it has staken d shine off that well-earned point.nobody remembers all our near misses and hard work, just that we were gifted a life-line. well, no yawa, we r not going to look a gift-horse in d bottom, let's take d positives from this match (our 1st real test), and build on it.we r a team that makes our own luck thru sheer brute force and cruel efficiency.so far, i haven't seen that this season.

once again, u have delivered.ur update is too accurate and refined to be restricted to this threads.i strongly advocate u extend ur talents to a broader audience.whatever u r doing professionally (law, i guess),u would definitely impact more lives poitively.
seriously, think about it.

i think justice is on d way home, but i really wont miss jeff anthony.he claims to be some kinda novelist, but he has d wit of a cucumber.i wont buy his book if they were paying me to.d guy no tap rara.

na wa o.i expected manure fans to be very silent , considering ur pathetic standing right now.u have dropped very vital points so stop deluding urselves by thinkin evrything is alright.u have,nt even played arsenal,liverpool or almighty chelsea and u r dropping points like they r hot balls of akara.u will suffer greatly until rooney gets back , i suggest u lower ur expectations for d season.d title u borrowed from chelsea will be returned to its rightful owner.

the oracle has spoken.

new phone, ideal 4 naija

const6:

I listen to you all, i don't really know wot to say, you are rumbbling about DSTV like say na yesterday them come! I am indeed proud of HITV, a proudly Nigerian thing, you need to see how many people are scrambling to have this thing, you people really don't know what it takes to get a business started so i am not surprised. You people thing satellite business na beans and yam.

As for those of you that are in other parts of nigeria that don't curently get HITV through Terrestrial, this is the solution to your problem, come to Lagos and get their equipment and get a good satellite personnel to help you connect it, they are available in Eutelsat, the same satellite with DSTV and the good news is if you have DSTV before, just get their DEcoder (Strong Decorder) and put in the frequencies and then connect another cable from the back of the Strong decoder to DSTV decoder and you will be receiver both of them at the same time, that is wot i do.

I am so grateful i can get live matches and good news for far cheaper price. Make DSTV go kill themselves if them no ready reduce price, them even reduce price now sef, i no want, because their aint nothing like my live matches.

man mi, u mean with d same dish, i can have both dstv and hitv in place, now that's f-king brilliant.does d dish have to be turned at all? and how much r thsy selling decoder alone?

u guys, stop whining.maintain ur dstv at home and simply go out to a sports bar or viewing center for ur soccer.i'm an avid football fan myself but if all i'm goin to get with hi-tv is soccer, i think i value d other stuff more, besides, wifey will kill me if she cant find afri-magic.hi-tv will eventually get their act together, but by the time they do, their premiership license would hav expired and i doubt if DSTV will allow them get it without coughing up some crazy money.i pray it doesnt happen, but peeps may be stuck with useless equipment when that time comes.

man mi, na BABA GOD save our blushes make we yan true.we were outplayed and out-thot for long spells during this last game.i'm puttin d ref on my xmas mailing list for d awoof penalty he dashed us, thank God say lampard no spill am.i no defend am again, that guy needs a long vac, where Ballack sef?

a shame about essien, but we hav an able replacement in our veryu owb JOM.it's important,in line with JMs realisation,that we rest our prized assets properly when they hav knocks and not rush them bk into action without proper recuperation.there r vstill 120 odd games to be played b4 d season is over.the whole team must be solid and let's let our other players step up and deliver on their potential.essien will be missed, but chelsea will not suffer in his absence.

i wish him soonest recofer(apologies to Sir Shina Peters).
AMEN SOMEBODY, ?

hate to sound like a broken record, but so long as nollywood continues to churn out d crap de show on africamagic, which portrays us as a voodoo nation, y r we blaming lerato for relating to a false notion that we ourselves amplify and seemingly celebrate.

but having said that, let's kick d b----ch out of d house 4 havin d audacity to yab us .she de craze?

Mustay:

Yeah Reading should beat chelsea in only unRead newspapers!
Make una go sit down jo. blue rules

who de yann this blasphemy.reading ko, bleeding ni.if u think reading can stop d blue machine, u need to have ur head examined.we know reading very well, so there will be no surprises.we'll squash em like ants and beat them silly.

after the match, we'll take em all out for drinks as a thank u gesture 4 killing "roon d loon."

i think Alves is a better buy than quaresma because he is adaptable in quite a no of positions either in offense or as a wing back where-as quaresma is only an option goin 4ward.d money is too much sha.i am tired of these crazy clubs jacking up their demands once they know say na chelski de interested. dont be surprised if porto asks for 25 million pounds for quaresma as well.

n-guage:

I am tired of people calling that girl ugly. How many of una sisters fine reach am?
Lets try to support that sister, all this ''ugly talk'' makes me wonder how smart Nigerians are.

okay, i can confidently say without an iota of doubt that my sisters,cousins and even our house-girl fine pass am well well.i guess this means d yabis can flow.

instead of goin on abt how smart naijerians r or r not, if d general concensus is dat she wowo, 120 million views cant be wrong.

an african proverb says, all d flies in d world cant be wrong, feaces must be irresistable for them because it tastes good.

ofuneka wowo. nothin personal against her, in fact,if she wasnt on d show, i wouldnt hav a problem with her, but when u put urself 4ward to represent a whole giant of africa like we, u better represent to d fullest.that my bro, she aint doin.i was prayin & waitin patiently 4 d inner beauty to shine thru and make up for d lack of outward appeal, but it was a serious anti-climax.d babe dull jare.she no tap.

BBA did us bad, real bad. Naija should be included in the column for countries not participating in this competition.

i be true BLUE, UP CHELSEA 4 life.Reading cost me d title last yr by killing chec so early in d season and we never recovered.this time,i can't thank them enuf 4 making d recovery of my stolen title so easy this early in d season.

stop crying, shit happens.prepare 4 next season

it may be too late to start celebratin but u can safely keep a bottle of crystal in d fridge.manure's title defense is over because rooney don die and they struggled to beat 10 man reading.i love reading so much right now.they killed chec last season, it's time they paid us a favor and they've delivered.all we need to do now is continue to stretch d gap in class that exists btw us.

u guys ,pls giv lamps a break given, he's had quite a bad run of games, but me thinks he's been consistent enuf in d past to be above all this bashing.would we turn on essien if he messes up in a few games too?.all he needs is a couple of good games under his belt and u'll all soon 4get his shortcomings.probably needs some rest too, but JM is in charge.besides, Ballack is still out so nwhere is d like 4 like replacement.

going forward, i think we should experiment with interchanging him and ballack since it's rather obvious that they really dont gel too well together.at least,we ll have a basis for assessing them independently.

maybe ofuneka aint so bad aftr all, finally got a chance to view her in-toto at shower hour and she pulled no punches with her display.came out in her full birthday suit.it wasnt a beyonce-ish bod but she has got some moves.i doubt though if that's enuf to sustain her in d house vote-wise but i'll be layin off attackin her 4 a while.she did ok with d talent contest by givin africa a full dose of atilogu dance-steps , brief and to d point.

remove shower hour ke! no try am o.haba, dem no fit try am, we ll run them out of tiamiyu savage

haba, do u realise wetin u de yan.i am sure u wont feel this way if some1 u knew was one of these collateral damage.there is nothing constructive dialogue cant resolve, haven't u learnt anyhing from mandela's story?if na civil disobedience and organised co-ordinated sit at home, that has a more effective result

all these violence only contributes to the depreciation of d quality of life in that part of the countryand it criminalises their struggle.mo over, it's perpetrated by petty criminals with no ideology to promote.

theuir actions should be condemned in totality by all well meanin naijalanders

make Robben de go sef.his game is too selfish,he dives too much and he too de injure.imagine if he was d one with d ball with Rio on his tails grabbin and kickin him at the community sheild.with Malouda already delivering on d potential,he was always going to be confined to d bench anyway.we wont miss him at all.

d yeye goat,he wan collect pass terry and lampard weekly.good riddance to bad rubbish.we dont want players who r not ready to shed every ounce of blue-blood for the cause(EUROPEAN DOMINATION).

if Alves comes in too, my team don complete jare.it will be a case of everybody playin catchup because we go don wrap up d league b4 nations cup even start.

LOL.in retrospect, maybe u r right,some of d insults r borderin on ridiculous.but when 1 enters for a programme like this, it comes with d teritory.u dont swim in d river without gettin wet.for me,it s just harmless jiving.i dont know her and i pray to God she never gets to read any of this.

and in case she does,

my apologies,

"but,what possessed u to make u think about auditioning?"

hey, y r u singlin me out as if we r not all guilty of d same thing.come to think of it, u only had a change of heart after u saw her shower hour debut.i missed it, and until i see her "intoto",i am entitled to my opinions .LOL

she looks familiar , i think she has a recurring role on animal planet.