₦airaland Forum

Very simple problem

Get them a new meter

If you don't mind, if PHCN asks for money to get the new prepaid meter, pay for it.

Separate your meter from theirs.

Let them start paying for their light.

SECONDLY, call an experienced bore hole company to separate the tank that supplies water to their flat from the one that supplies to your own.

When water finishes in their tank let them pump by themselves.

The only problem is the pumping machine. Ask a good plumber if there's a way to get a new sumo pumping machine for their own flat. If its not that expensive, go for it.

God bless you.

MrBrownJay1:
your husband is one string away from cheating....he just needs the right opportunity (which he is looking for by sending babes money etc).
here is something you should ask your husband:
- if i tell a male friend that:"if i catch you i will ride the Bejesus out of your dikc", will that be okay to you?
- if i now tell you that this was a joke, would that be okay to you?
- if there is "supposedly" something wrong with us, can i go and ask a stranger to do these things to me INSTEAD OF TALKING TO YOU DIRECTLY?!

sadly, it is obvious your husband has no respect for you and/or the marriage you guys have....and eventually some babe will fall for his antics (if it hasnt happened already). protect yourself and your affairs, then leave this man who obviously is NOT gonna change!

He is already cheating.

Can't you decipher?

She's lying.

Meanwhile it is very bad to cheat on your wife.

Now to your question:

Why did she delete the result in the first instance?

Why did she crop the letterhead when she resent it to you?

Browse online for a reputable private hospital in Nigeria with online presence, contact them, ask if you can send someone to them for a confirmation test. If they agree, tell her to go there-- in the state where she lives.

She'll confess immediately.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rb5wlz_zFJk

Leave the city where he stays

Go elsewhere and hustle

Don't tell them how things are with you

Most importantly, join NSPPD by Jerry Eze. You need divine intervention.

ednut1:
life is not a competition. A relative married at 31. For 10 years they battled infertility before they had twins last year. Stop all this nonsense comparisons.

God bless you

Don't mind the person that wrote that nonsense

Na alpha foolishness be that

Turn to Jesus.

Accept Him into hour life.

Attend a Bible believing Church.

Join NSPPD Prayers by Pst. Jerry Eze on YouTube-- Monday to Friday at 7:00am daily.

Many people are testifying.

Come to Jesus with your problems.

God bless you.

dangermouse:
Happen most times during the rain y season especially in Lagos.

They didn't check the fuel well as water must have entered the underground tank, before dispensing duel to customers.

Desist from showcasing tribal bigotry. It will do you a whole lot of good.

Thank you for clarifying.

I fell for the misleading story.

Na dem

Viktri:
I got this mail today after applying to an advert here on Nairaland.
Anybody else got this?

How sure can I get that its not GNLD?
MAIL BELOW:

After proper perusal of your Resume sent to us, we are pleased to inform you that your Application/CV information with us had been reviewed and considered.


To this effect above, you are hereby invited for an interview session with our Management/Human Resource team at Prime Access Consulting Company, a consulting firm recruiting for one of our prestigious Client in the Food and Beverage Industry.

TIME: 10:00am

DATE: Wednesday, 9th of March, 2022.

ADDRESS: 7, Solomon Durodola Street, Car-wash Bus-stop, Opposite Twin-Faja Supermaker, Unity Estate, Egbeda, Lagos.

NOTE: Kindly come along with 2 Copies of your updated Resume/ CV carrying your current address of residence.

Also Dress Corporate, because that will also be a point of assessment too.


Do acknowledge this mail to show you will be present.

For further inquiry kindly call;

Scam.

Unnecessary surplusage: "Also Dress Corporate, because that will also be a point of assessment too." And others.

Grammatical blunder: "After proper perusal of your Resume sent to us, we are pleased to inform you that your Application/CV information with us had been reviewed and considered."

Check online for their website. If they don't have one, it's another red flag. If they have, study it well. Look out for real pictures of its management and their names. Google them out or check on LinkedIn to know who they are. If you can't find the people behind this company, avoid them. Delete the message. Period.

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Clearing and forwarding is a very lucrative business.

Dear mods, PLEASE NOTE that this is not an advert!

I am offering free information without adding my contact details.

Alright, now that that is out of the way let me proceed with the core mission of helping put--

But you must learn the rudiments of this trade to benefit from it.

Don't just believe you can make millions from it without hard work.

If you want to learn more, go to Google and find out more.

I won't drop my contact because I don't want all these mods to ban me.

Thank you for understanding.

There are secrets to it.

Reach out to n expert to learn more about this trend.

Mods, please note that this is not an advert.

I am helping people solve a problem free of charge.


So I have helped a lot of people in their marriages and relationships with proven testimonies and results. I have been very helpful on Nairaland too which you can attest to. I feel bad when I see people suffer from relationship issues.

I know that 99.9% of the cause of their problem is lack of the right knowledge.[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font] This is why I do what I can to always help. I am doing that again now.

Get my free ebook on marriage and relationship today. You can also share this. My goal is to help a minimum of 1 million Africans in 2020 in their relationships. It is possible. You can be one of those who will enjoy this gracious assistance.

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Offer expires in 24 hours after which it reverts to sale again:

Please, this is not an advertisement.

I am only trying to help people.

There is no payment involved. Please, note.

Thank you.

So I have noticed that a lot of the issues that most people are complaining about boil down to a deficiency of knowledge.
People need to arm themselves with knowledge and the truth about marriage and relationship.
My mentor, Peeshaun has written a classic book on this.
And the testimonies that people gave has been enormous.
It has been something else. So massive.
If you are interested in getting your own copy of this book to make your relationship work and have rest of mind and no more drama, keep reading to find out more—


Immediately He Said, "I Love You Like A Friend..." I Knew I Was Alone Again
You probably have experienced this far too many times than you care to remember.
You meet a guy, he's obviously interested in you. You like him. "Hmm" you think, "I could date him". But you're waiting a while to make sure you're making the right choice, you become friends. You wanted him to feel like he “earned” you.

He says nice things.
Out of the nowhere in the middle of the day, he texts you, "You’re so beautiful.”
Learn how to make him all yours and stay out of the friend zone:
https://forms.aweber.com/form/88/848809488.htm

Please, mods take note that this is not an advert.

I am only trying to help people.

So I have noticed that a lot of the issues in this relationship group that most people are complaining about boil down to a deficiency of knowledge.
People need to arm themselves with knowledge and the truth about marriage and relationship.
My mentor, Peeshaun has written a classic book on this.
And the testimonies that people gave has been enormous.
It has been something else. So massive.
If you are interested in getting your own copy of this book to make your relationship work and have rest of mind and no more drama, keep reading to find out more—


Immediately He Said, "I Love You Like A Friend..." I Knew I Was Alone Again
You probably have experienced this far too many times than you care to remember.
You meet a guy, he's obviously interested in you. You like him. "Hmm" you think, "I could date him". But you're waiting a while to make sure you're making the right choice, you become friends. You wanted him to feel like he “earned” you.

He says nice things.
Out of the nowhere in the middle of the day, he texts you, "You’re so beautiful.”
Learn how to make him all yours and stay out of the friend zone:
https://forms.aweber.com/form/88/848809488.htm

Hi Nooil,

Don't waste your time responding to foolishness.

What you're offering is what people pay N10, 000 and above to get.

I know some persons who just registered for a training class where
they'll learn how to get registered on Upwork without being rejected.
They paid N34, 700.

Anybody who is "ATTACKING" you for charging N1, 000 doesn't deserve your time.

Avoid detractors.

Keep up the good work.

Easy way to mine email address.

This guy has boycotted option pages & Facebook marketing.

Good one, bro.

Yes.

Why will your husband watch your mother's clothes, how much more her undies?

What is the world turning into?

And your mother is busy arguing in a home she has no jurisdiction!

Some cases don't need counseling. Until you're ready to know the truth and accept it, you'd continue to wallow in confusion.

Hi SoftChordz,

I believe you already know what’s at stake here.

INTRODUCTION:
When someone tells you that except you do something for them they won’t give you what you want— it’s a clear case of control. Put categorically—MANIPULATION.

Let me dive into my analysis. I will be writing on just one issue. This is the issue that stands out the most in this scenario.


ISSUE 1: “That he wants to know how serious I am with her, if I'm going to marry her then I can get the contract but if I'm not then I should let her know.”

My Analysis:
First of all, she has every right to be CONCERNED about your intentions. This is so because there have been many cases of men who dated a lady for years only to end up dumping her. So she has every right to be concerned.

It isn’t good for you to keep a woman for years without telling her exactly what your intentions are. She will start thinking—is he just using me for sex? Is there someone else in the picture? He ought to know I’m not getting any younger, etc. So it isn’t wrong if a woman is concerned about her future with a man when the man has failed to define clearly what he wants from her.

What I find wrong is the approach she’s taking.

Would you get married to someone who is desperate for marriage? You said earlier that she keeps mentioning marriage every now and then. She keeps talking about people who are getting married and all that.

What I see here is a woman who is obsessed with marriage. Someone who is desperate to change her status from single to married. And these days a lot of ladies have become so desperate for marriage.

Some of them now see it as an achievement. Some men are also guilty of this. They think that once they are married then they have arrived and therefore their single friends don’t have any right to advise them.

The craze for marriage is at an all-time high. And while it is also high, the statistics of divorce is also shooting through the ceiling.
Would you want to settle down with a woman who desires marriage more than she desires you?

After getting married to you, what next?
I bet you, in far cases, people who rush into marriage, end up showing their true nature in marriage (which they’ve always hidden from their partner while in courtship).

Don’t rush into marriage with her.

Take your time and study her. Have a clear conversation with her.
Both of you should be going in the same direction in life.

But if you want my core and hard advice, I’ll tell you that the kind of manipulative stunt this lady is about pulling on you is a very strong RED FLAG.
I suspect that the person who she claims is the link to the contract never told her that she should ask you about your intentions with her.

She may be lying. Now this sort of lie is a big one. It will become the foundation of your marriage if you so decide to get married to her because of this subtle threat.

What kind of woman says that kind of thing?

SoftChordz, what is your mind telling you about this woman?

Do you see the two of you together living happily?
Or do you see someone that will continue this kind of manipulative stunt in the future when both of you are married?

There are some weaknesses that aren’t just ordinary weaknesses.

They’re so BIG that you just have to run for your dear life.


IN CONCLUSION:

I hope you do the right thing.

I wish you well.

If you need further assistance
you can contact me via my signature.

Happy weekend.

The Creative Luv Doc

Hi Fareee123,

INTRODUCTION:
I have read through your question and I’d like to comment on same. I hope this will help and go a long way.
I have spotted out some issues from the scenario you wrote and have accordingly answered your question based on the issues spotted out. Thereafter, I have followed each issue spotted with an analysis.


ISSUE 1: “We got along so fast that it feels like I've known him all my life…”

My Analysis:
The foundation of every relationship is very important. When relationships start way too fast, the tendency that it won’t last long is always high.
This is why you often hear that people who rush into a relationship are also very quick to rush out! Why? Because they don’t have depth when it comes to commitment. They don’t have the time to build commitment. They are only after the excitement.

Usually the person who made the relationship to move very fast may have some character issues. People like that in most cases ARE OFTEN toxic by nature. Some of them are even narcissists.
It depends on the spectrum of their narcissistic disorder—whether they are overt or covert narcissists. But I don’t intend to bug you with all those details. If you want to know more about that you can check it up on Google or you may reach out to me for a more specific, detailed, and well-guided resource material.

Why am I telling you that this person may be toxic? I am saying so because if it’s proven that he is, then there’s nothing you can do about it other than to pull out from the relationship.

Toxic people hardly change. They have a wrong default thinking process in their minds. If it’s a narcissist, he or she thinks more about him or herself before anybody. A narcissist will fall in love with you not because they love you but because you are a conquest to be won.

When they succeed in charming you into their world through love-bombing, excessive adoration, excessive attention and praises, they’ll gradually start getting tired of you. This is where the saying—familiarity breeds contempt—comes into play. You’re no longer exciting anymore so they decide to pull back gradually and start seeking other fishes in the relationship sea.

Here’s the thing—toxic people are impatient by nature. Whatever they want, they must get it now or quickly. This is why they rush you into relationships.

And you know what? Relationships aren’t meant to be entered in a hurry. It must begin from friendship.

Love doesn’t grow overnight. It takes time. If someone tells you they’re in love with you just after knowing you for only two weeks—they’re IN MOST CASES, lying. Call it a big fat lie and you won’t be wrong. When you see such liars, what do you do? Welcome them into your world? Or run? The ball is in your court, Fareee123.


ISSUE 2: “I still do the calling, but I got tired, he wasn't reciprocating, when I complained, he said he's always busy.”

My Analysis:
Every HEALTHY relationship must be symbiotic. When it is one-sided then it’s a big problem. It is often a red flag situation.
You deserve peace of mind than to be worried about someone who perhaps is keeping you as a Plan B.
Nobody is too busy for the one they love. If they can’t be with you physically due to a very tight schedule then they will call or send you text messages.
These things aren’t theoretical. They’re core factual, time-tested truths, sister.


ISSUE 3: “He changed for 2 weeks before he went to his normal self."

My Analysis:
This is a classic toxic behavioral pattern—playing hot and cold.
Honestly, you don’t need this kind of drama in your life.
Ask yourself what you want in a relationship. Do you value communication?
Do you love spending time with your man?
Do you love when he pays you attention? Of course every woman does.
Is the guy in the scenario you painted giving you any of these as he ought to?
Be very frank with yourself.
You deserve peace of mind.
Don’t be afraid of the aftermaths and consequences of a breakup.

Stand your ground and put your needs in front of you as long as the other person has repeatedly refused to validate you.
That he pays your rent and gives you 10k and pays for your rent and helps you with other stuffs and needs is good. I won’t fault him in any of this.
However, having a healthy relationship requires more than meeting someone’s financial needs. Communication and spending time together are paramount aspects of every healthy relationship.

What bonds people together isn’t money but true understanding and the decision to love after knowing the other person very well. And these things can only be achieved when there is honest communication in place.
Playing hot and cold is never a good approach. It is classic toxic behavior used by toxic people to manipulate you so that you start second-guessing yourself.
Eventually when the manipulation reaches a peak, this is what happens— you start thinking they love you even when they’re hurting you or their attitude to you is hurting.

These things happen at a subtle level sometimes so it may be hard for you to notice. However, if you’re very sensitive you’d be able to see through a toxic person’s behavior over time.

I see that you’re 21 years of age. Age isn’t always a factor for gauging maturity but it is also an important factor, nonetheless.
There are something about human nature that you may not get to know now. Be willing to learn as you grow older. Be hungry for knowledge.
Good a thing you reached out to us on Nairaland.
I must advise however that you be wary of the advice you take on Nairaland. Don’t take advice from people randomly. Be intuitive.


IN CONCLUSION:
“Do you think he can change or do I just leave the relationship?? Please ignore the errors, I'm not perfect.”

I won’t advice you to immediately give up on him.

This is what I’d tell you to do—
Call him up and both of you get to meet somewhere neutral—not behind closed doors where both of you may end up getting physical which can end up blurring your sense of reasoning. This is so true because sex has a way of affecting our perception of truth and reality.
When both of you meet, ask him very strong questions.

The reason I want you to ask him thee=se questions is so that you can know:
1. His intentions
2. More things about him
3. And most importantly, to find out from his answers if he is actually toxic.

I don’t expect you to ask him directly if he is a toxic person. Ask him some questions indirectly. I can’t tell you ALL the questions you should ask him. You should know better. You’re the one in a relationship with him. Also, there won’t be enough space for me to write all that I want to write here.
Don’t be too soft or too hard in your questioning. Just be assertive.

Tell him you’ve noticed that he is playing hot and cold. Ask him what he wants from you. Demand to know if he’s seeing someone else. Tell him you don’t want someone playing with your time.

You know what you want in life, sister. Don’t allow anybody to waste your time.

Also, no one here knows your boyfriend’s own version of the story. Perhaps, it could be that there are things you’re doing that he is finding hard to tolerate. You need to do a personal introspection too.

Also, ask him to tell you if there are things about you which you’re doing that he doesn’t like.

Things such as—do you nag a lot? Are you saucy? Are you disrespectful? Do you listen to him or challenge him much of the time?
If his answers don’t add up or sound manipulative, it boils down still to the fact that he is a toxic fellow.

What do you do with a toxic person?

I hope you do the right thing.
I wish you well.
If you need further assistance
you can contact me via my signature.
Happy weekend.

The Creative Luv Doc

INTRODUCTION:
Hi Oluentra1

I commend you for seeking advice from us here on Nairaland. However, while we offer you our advice you should also be sensitive and wise enough to glean through the weight and substance of what we offer you. This also applies to me, a life coach.
Having said that, I’ll go straight to the issues observed from your question and offer my advice accordingly, one after the other.


ISSUE 1: “..she left the guy for me.”

I need to understand the context of this statement. What do you mean by, “She left the guy for me?”
Did you convince her to leave him while both of them were still dating? Did you meet her while she was still dating the other guy and somehow, somewhere due to your presence in her life and due to your influence she left the other guy and started dating you? Please, give me a factual, straightforward answer, not a mary’go-round response.

MY ANALYSIS:
If you were the one who convinced her to leave the other guy and come for you, then it is a wrong step. That is a foundational problem that says a lot about you and a lot about her too.

It doesn’t matter if she tells you that she is already tired of the relationship with the other guy. What will absolve you of blame is if you never at any point in time tried remonstrating her to leave her ex.

Let me adumbrate. You see— the foundation of every relationship is very important. It is sacrosanct. For instance, how did you meet your fiancé? Some people will tell you—“Well, in a club.” And both of you claim to be born again Christians! That in itself will be an error.

However, where both parties are clear and truthful on their spirituality with each other that they are just ordinary church-goers then it makes them birds of the same feather and to that extent it may not be an issue for them. The point I seek to address categorically here is COMPATIBILITY.

Compatibility comes dressed in different forms. There is compatibility of purpose. There is also compatibility of faith; there is compatibility of values, and so on.

Marriage is a lifetime thing. It baffles me that people go to the university to study a course for four or five years because they are preparing for their future; yet they never take the time to intentionally buy books on marriage to study or attend marriage seminars or counseling with trained experts and life coaches even when it is also an important foundational truth that marriage ought to be for life!

The chief cause of crisis in marriages is an absence of knowledge. Even in the bible it is explicitly stated that my people perish for lack of knowledge. Would you enter an airplane if you were told that the pilot is yet to qualify from his training and that he is just a beginner or newbie? Why then do we entrust the rest of our lives to someone we don’t much about on the basis that he or she will change for the better when we get married to them?

Can I shock you? When it comes to values—if you find out red flags in a potential spouse, it is better you intentionally end that relationship. Discuss this with your fiancé and make them understand you can’t live with that. In life, principles are very important. This point is well validated scripturally, “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” I didn’t say that. It’s in the bible.

So back to my earlier point—if you were the one who convinced her to leave that other guy (i.e., her ex), then it is akin to what people call “stealing” another person’s partner. That is a foundational problem meant to boomerang come some day. What you sow is what you reap. The laws of life will not relax for anybody. There is seed time and harvest time. There is day and there is night. These laws are sacrosanct. Violate them and they’ll work at your peril.


ISSUE 2: “…I got to know that finances during her time with him was a big issue and at one time or twice she cheated on him to sleep with men that could take care of the finances.”


MY ANALYSIS:
My brother, you see why I said that knowledge is very important! If you had known better would you have continued the relationship with this kind of woman?

See, I know that she told you this in confidence and your conscience would have told you that it won’t be fair if you used this information she disclosed to you against her. Well, let me enlighten you.

Sit back and read carefully. Don’t be in a hurry. Understand the hard truths I’m about to drop.
One of the essences of courtship is to understand your potential partner; to study them; and to know more about them. And one of the ways you go about this is when you have communication.
I mean HONEST communication. Look at that qualifier twice—“honest.”

Not just any kind of communication but a honest one.
When a person tells you about their past and it has to do with values systems that they violated especially one that is of an addictive nature, it is a sure red flag situation.

What do you do in a situation when you find out a red flag in someone? I know some people may be wondering about this. First, if you don’t know the meaning of red flag, google it and then come back to read the remaining part of this analysis. Secondly, if you know the meaning of “red flag” or if you’ve just checked it up on Google few seconds ago, let me ask this follow-up question—what happens when a person plays with fire?
Do they get burnt?
Or they go unscathed?

Those who have immunity to fire can go ahead with a relationship when they spot red flags. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone who plays with fire and comes out unhurt.

Just a quick clarification to create some balance: not every wrong behavior is a red flag. Your fiancé doesn’t know how to dress—this is not a red flag! Your fiancé doesn’t know how to dress and each time you advise her she listens to you and improves in that area—this is not also a red flag. Your fiancé doesn’t know how to dress but each time you correct her she gets angry and repeatedly doesn’t change—this is a red flag.
Red flags aren’t necessarily all forms of weaknesses. I can’t cover all that here on Nairaland. If you want to learn more on this, go to Google or reach out to me for more specific resources and well-guided counseling.

Let me proceed with a brief discussion on sex as a red flag.

Sex is an act that can become addictive to participants if it is repeatedly done especially where there are random or multiple partners. This is even more worrisome when it’s a woman. Why? Women are more emotional and when a woman consents willfully to sex, all her emotions are (in most cases) involved in the act.
The aftermath of this is that over time she starts craving for more sex. One man can no longer satisfy her. She now needs two or more. Over time she begins to hunger for the thrills and escapades that sex can offer—so she resorts to clandestine sex without the knowledge of her partner. And so she starts cheating on him.

It becomes fun to her. CAVEAT: I am not attacking women, here. Men are also guilty of this. In fact-- MORE guilty. A lot of men are promiscuous too. They keep different women who they reach out to for sex and deceive these women with the promise of marriage and they end up disappointing them.
However the purpose of my focus in the paragraph above is because you are a man—I mean you who asked me the question.
ISSUE 2B: “We have been together for more than 2 years and also we are planning to get engaged traditional soon.”
I will not tell you categorically what you should do but if you’re wise enough you should be able to read the handwriting on the wall having read my answers up to this point.


ISSUE 3: “...and also if she ever meet the guy again she will sleep with him.”

MY ANALYSIS:
What more do you want me to say, Oluentra1?
Have you seen it? It will replay. Nobody can change except they love God.
Before you marry someone ask them about their relationship with God. Also don’t believe hook line and sinker what they tell you. Study them.
You too, before you ask that question you must be saved.
I bet you, if you confront her and she doesn’t deny what you saw in her phone she will resort to telling you that she didn’t mean what she said in her response to her friend.
My brother, a red flag is a red flag.

People don’t stay faithful in marriage or in a relationship because they told you they love you. What many of us call love today is actually feelings or emotions.
What makes a person stay faithful is how sound and rock-solid their values system is. And most importantly—do they have the fear of God in them?
A person with the fear of God in them will never cheat on you. If they find out that the pressure for sex is becoming very strong on them during a time when their spouse travelled they will openly discuss this with their spouse. I mean their husband or wife as the case may be. Not with an outsider.

These days I see husbands who discuss their marital struggles with their friends when they should be discussing same with their partner. I see wives too, who do the same.
When you discuss your vulnerabilities with your partner or spouse as the case may be, they may not understand you all the time—I must be frank with you. However, when both of you keep doing this over time you’d discover that the points of commonalities and similarities will increase between the both of you. Thus, both of you will start aligning and sharing similar views on this.

GENERAL ADVICE TO EVERYONE READING: See, all these things I am writing here may sound theoretically sweet but hear me well—marriage is not for kids.
There is work in marriage o! A husband and wife have to decide to make their marriage work. And after deciding they will have to work it out.
There are days when a man’s wife will be feeling moody and may not be ready for sex—the man has to be understanding. He shouldn’t see this as a challenge on his authority.

Women too should be understanding. A man may be feeling bad because of a failed business meeting and so when he comes home he may not be in the mood for a lengthy discussion. An insensitive woman may start asking him for money to buy things at that point in time. She may even go further to use vituperative words on him, calling him a failure and a loser for being unable to provide for his family. This ought not to be.
These are character flaws that the husband and wife ought to have discussed during their courtship. They need to agree on certain things. Even the bible is very clear on this—“Can two work together except they be agreed?”


ISSUE 4: “Because it seemed she can't be loyal or maybe the she loves the guy more than me and any given opportunity she will always go back to the ex…”

MY ANALYSIS:
I couldn’t agree more with XhosaNostra on this. Her views are completely spot on:
“She basically told you that she's done this to someone before, but you still went on & engaged this person.”

A person who has a messed up value systems will mess up irrespective of the person they are with. What makes people cheat IN MOST CASES is not because the love stopped coming from their partner. It is an intrinsic fault in the cheater. It is a character flaw. It is their own problem. It is not in your position to change a cheater.

A cheater will always remain a cheater unless he or she decides GENUINELY to change come some day. But to say that a cheater will change at the insistence of their partner is never a thing of certainty. This explanation I have given can be summarized with this very popular saying—you can’t change anybody.

It is therefore better not to go ahead with a relationship when you notice cheating tendencies in such person. Even if a person cheats on you and then confesses out of volition to you without you even asking for it from them—it is more advisable to pull out of that relationship. You may be saying—but she confessed to me even when I didn’t ask her or she promised not to do it again or I still love her, etc. none of these excuses are watertight.

GENERAL ADVICE TO EVERYONE READING: How many times do I keep telling people in my relationship seminars—
Love doesn’t sustain a relationship or marriage.

1. I see a lot of people share their relationship challenges here on Nairaland and they always say that their partner does something (which is a red flag behavior o!) yet they say they still love the person.
That’s not love. That’s feeling. What we call love isn’t love. It is emotions. When you feel attracted to someone, it isn’t love. What you’re undergoing during such times is a physiological process. Neurotransmitters in your brain sending you love hormonal feelings that tingle and excite you; and you end up thinking both of you feel the same way for each other.
If love isn’t feeling, then what is love?
Love is simply a decision you make to be with someone after having known them, studied them, and told yourself that this person is worth being with.

It is a delicate act so you don’t rush into it. It takes months to build love. Love isn’t what you feel after seeing a beautiful lady and your body starts giving you feelings of excitement. It isn’t what you feel after having been with a lady for two months and then you end up kissing her and thereafter you tell yourself nobody has made you feel the way you felt after kissing her.
Feelings are ephemeral and temporal. Therefore they come and go. Would you base your future with someone on feelings that can’t stand the test of time? Certainly not.

2. Love is a verb. It must be shown, seen, and felt, not only said to exist. Here I don’t mean sex. I mean acts of service. Doing something for the one you love. Buying them gifts, spending time with them, and so on. And please, don’t emphasize on the gift. Rather, place more emphasis on the time spent together.
What do both of you discuss when together? Courtship isn’t a time for visiting cinema or going out on dates at fastfoods only. What are both of you discussing? Have you asked him or her questions that will help you gauge the spiritual thermometer of their lives? Or questions that will help you know more about their values? You don’t have to ask them those questions directly. You can go about it circuitously.
I can know a person’s values without asking them directly to tell me about their values. That will be a lame approach. You ca
n tell a story about yourself where the central focus is on your values and character as a person.
Assuming the story highlights your disdain for cheating; if he or she is the cheating type, after telling the story pay more attention to their body language response. Also pay attention to what they verbalize but this isn’t the main area of focus. Why? Because you know more about people from their actions than from their words. This doesn’t mean words are immaterial. They’re also important.

3. Love isn’t what you go for because everyone is telling you it’s time for you to get married. So many young people today don’t know what marriage is all about.
They don’t understand what compatibility is. Compatibility is something I can spend over one month teaching. By the time I am done teaching on this you’d realize that deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone is something you shouldn’t treat with levity.

IN CONCLUSION:
I hope you do the right thing.

I wish you well.

If you need further assistance you
can contact me via my signature.

Happy weekend.

The Creative Luv Doc

KAYCEEJUNIOR:
Nice one, extremely creative

You're welcome, KayceeJunior

I remain The Creative Luv Doc
and the success of your relationship
is a priority to me.

Lekside230:
Thanks very much brother..you don’t just know how happy I am as I get this your write up...you’re filled with sense...wow!!thanks very much..have never regret coming here at all...please can I get your WhatsApp number?bro.�

You're welcome, Lekside230.

I remain The Creative Luv Doc
and the success of your relationship
is a priority to me.

nwachukwu9:
I learnt a lot from your post. God bless you for this advise. You are indeed a life coach. I love your advice

You're welcome, Nwachukwu9.

I remain The Creative Luv Doc
and the success of your relationship
is a priority to me.

Hi Lekside230,

Let's look at some of the issues you raised and analyse them one after the other.

Okay?

Alright, time to think critically:

1.) She expects you to beg even when she's at fault.
This is a big character flaw. A person with good values will apologize
when they're wrong. It is never right to apologize for another person's misdeed.
The problem here is not you but her.

Understand this-- you can never change anyone. Change comes from within.
You can't continue to tolerate shitty behaviour from someone and expect
that they will respect you. It is counterproductive.

Just like Planetx13 said, you are acting like a "sissy."
I don't mean that in a disrespectful or insulting way.
It was said to give you a strong reality wake-up.

You need to start working on yourself as a man. Self development.
Take online courses that teach about self esteem, self image,
how to be an alpha man, etc.

2.) "She’d raise her voice at me even when I’m trying to correct her."
That's also part of the problem. She doesn't have respect for you.

Respect, as they say, is reciprocal. Raising her voice at you
on those occasions is also part of a character flaw in her.
Arrogance, inordinate pride, presumptousness, etc-- it is all part of it.

This is a fundamental character flaw that passes for a red flag.
It is not something you manage. You walk out of such situations.
Stay at your own peril.

3.) "If I’m tired of her I should let her know."
Issue 3.

She is tired of you. She's fed up with the relationship. Love has gone out
the window. I don't know much about the two of you so it will be wrong of me
to categorically say you never did her any wrong in the past that made her change.

HOWEVER, even if you hurt her in the past-- a person who is emotionally intelligent
knows how important it is to let go of past hurts and forgive and continue to love
the one they are in a relationship with.

Here's the thing, Lekside230-- she lacks emotional intelligence and good values.
These are not things you can impose on her. You can't change nobody. It comes from within.
It appears she isn't ready to change anytime soon.

Yelling, nagging, unwillingness to apologise are very solid instances of severe character flaw.

You don't deserve this nonsense in your life. Your sanity is very important.
She's becoming very toxic in your life. If you're not careful this will affect your
productivity at work and your interaction with women. You deserve better.

4.) "And if she cook for me again that she’s a bastard"

Lekside230, can't you see the handwriting on the wall?

What more do you want us to say?

To suggest that she's dating someone else?
I won't say that. That's not essentially the issue here.

The main issue here is that she is behaving inappropriately
and disrespectfully to you. If at all she is cheating on you
(which is highly probable from the scenario), that is a secondary issue
that is still worth thinking about.

Let's analyse her statement: She's using swear words at you.
She's threatening she will never cook for you again. Yes, both
of you are not married so you may not be entitled to her cooking for you
but for her to resort to threatening she will never do that again for you
in the throes of anger and malignant rage speaks volume about the kind of woman
you love!

It tells me that you need re-examining. You need to do a proper introspective analysis
and ask yourself why you don't want to overcome this door-mouth tendency in you.

You need to build your self esteem.

Settling for people who continue to abuse you speaks volume about you.
You need to work on your self so you can start attracting the right set of people into your life.

5.) "I just turn deaf ears to her....cuz every words she’s saying to me is really provoking me"

Being passive is also a problem, Lekside230.

Every relationship needs healthy communication to thrive. It takes two to tango.
It is very important that you understand the importance of speaking up and in a matured way.

Don't join issues with your girlfriend by raising your voice at her too.

She is already flawed character-wise. She may be goading you into provocation
so that you may one day slap her and then thereafter she will end up using that
against you.

It is obvious that it will take your girlfriend a long time before she can change. And it has to come from
within her. Nobody can change another person. It is volitional.

6.) "I really love her and I don’t wanna lose her."

You're "suffering" from codependency behavioral tendency.
You need urgent counselling with a therapist.

You can google "codependency relationships" to learn more.

The problem with codependency is that over time you become
addicted to toxicity. You develop coping mechanisms for it.

Toxic people can be dangerous. This is what they do:
they show you love one minute and the next they give you pain
and right after that they show you love again-- on and on
the cycle goes.

When you get enmeshed in this cycle your mind becomes messed up.
You become confused, too. Gradually you begin to settle for less-- you start accepting their
disrespectful behavior, you start tolerating their insults, you
start apologizing even when they are at fault, you start saying you love
them even when they are hurting you.

Lekside230, what more do I say?


IN CONCLUSION:
Don't just see this whole experience as proof that your girlfriend has issues.

You too have serious issues you need work on.

But to set yourself free walk out of that relationship now.

Want to know how to leave a relationship peacefully and still
retain your peace of mind and sanity?

Want to know how to start attracting the right people into your life?

Want to know what it takes to build your self image
and becoming a man of respect and start enjoying your love life?

If you need my assistance you can reach out to me via my bio.

I wish you the very best.

God bless you.

The Creative Luv Doc

Forced17:
Good morning Nairalanders

This has been eating me up for days. Me and this girl have been together for 3 years now, she's 17 and I'm 19.

I accept all bashings for being in a relationship at this age, she's the last born though and we perfectly understand each other.

Now her father is forcing her to marry a man in Kaduna, she refused and the father threatened to throw her and her siblings including the mum out into the streets or send them to the village if she doesn't marry the man.

Now she hasn't even for days now and she's contemplating on taking her life and she just told me about this yesterday and this has brought me down so much. I don't know what to do, I need help. This is about her future, I don't want her to be forced to become a mother at 17 and living under a man she doesn't know.

She has only three weeks before the man comes to take her away.
My girlfriend is being sold into marriage and I don't know what to do.

I need help, I'm heartbroken��
I don't know who can help me push this to front page

I will start by saying that it is good asking for help when you don't have answers.

I will also say that the road you're taking is one a lot of people have passed through.

My candid advice as a relationship counselor is that you seek expert guidance.

If you need my services and assistance I can offer them free of charge on the basis that you're a teenager
and the young lady in question is a minor.

That said, let me offer you some preambular advice:

1.) Nigeria is a signatory to international laws that protect the rights of women.
Our Constitution also guarantees and protects the rights of women.
The same Constitution (1999) also confers on all citizens rights to dignity of human person.

To force a minor into marriage, amongst other things, is a violation of her fundamental human rights.
Her father doesn't have that right to force or conscript her into marriage against her wish.

2.) Your "girlfriend" as you have defined your relationship with her,
is presently undergoing so much emotional turmoil and disturbance. I understand.
This is why she is contemplating taking her life.

Suicide has never helped anyone and never will. As long as there's life, there's a way.
Also, in life we're bound to face challenges.

Challenges are part of human existence. What matters is how you respond to them.
If you remain resolute, tactical and continue to think or look for a solution, you will
eventually find one.

The lives of many people who went through difficulties in life are testimonies and proofs
of this all-time true reality of human sojourn on earth.

Your female friend needs counselling from someone with experience in these matters.
She needs to realize that what she's going through is but a phase of life. She will overcome it.
Suicide isn't the way out.

I have so much to say but I don't have all the time to say them here.

3.) On her father--
He's being manipulative and devious. He is using threat as a means to enforce obedience.
Love isn't something you force on someone.

She will most likely never enjoy that marriage. First, she is a minor. It is unlawful to force her
into marriage against her will and consent. Second, she doesn't love the man they want her
to get married to. Third, she is inexperienced in the ways of the world.

If they force her into marrying that man, she will one day decide to come out of it when she is of age
because by then she would have developed the maturity of will power and strength of purpose.

Her father doesn't know all this. He is only playing a script based on his background and upbringing.

If he wants to send her and her mum back to the village let him do it! Tell your female friend
and her mum not to back down. No matter how remote and under developed that village
may be it isn't a death sentence.

Manipulators always resort to threats and forceful coercion in order to perpetrate their acts.

Even if they end up in the streets, that isn't the end of the world. I am not saying they will end up there.

4.) For you--
I will advise that you tread carefully. Don't act in anyway that will make her parents know
that you are a stumbling block or that you're interfering in their family affairs.
Remember, you're not married to your female friend.

Both of you are only friends. I will advise that you don't show up or be seen or heard from by them too often.
Help her by advising her and telling her all I have written here because you care for her as a friend and not
because you hope to get something from her in return tomorrow. Read that twice or even thrice.

Never help someone because you're expecting something in return. Never help because you
hope that tomorrow both of you will get married. Help her because she's a friend and it is the right
thing to do. The help I mean here is ADVICE. Nothing else.

Both of you may get married tomorrow or may not. Don't be too certain on this now.
Face your future as a man now and help your friend now the much you can.

5.) Lastly, this needs to be reported to an NGO that protects the rights of the girl child.
If you know any, do speak to them. Call their office or visit them and explain what is going on.
They can help. They will most likely intervene. If you want me to recommend any for you
do let me know too.

Your friend is too young for such early marriage. She has a great future ahead of her.

I wish her all the best.

God bless you.


THE CREATIVE LUV DOC.