₦airaland Forum

why are they always moving backward??

First and foremost, NTA is a disgrace.

I dont think Dr.s are allowed to have thrse kinds of haircut. It is a none issue.

Sanboy25: Is booty the only thing that a Black woman has to offer nowadays ?

me sef wonder o.

The guy talking of immorality is right btw.

I see young girls becoming insecure with their body.

Obesity shouldnt be encouraged

[quote author=tpia@]op

i would still like you to explain this concept of your children being "bad" or "good", i'm trying to understand your post.[/quote]good means respectful, humble, hard working, responsible adults.

stillwater: For parents who don't have cash or money to buy stuff for their kids to bribe them, how do/would they get their kids to do stuff, since the escape route now is using money to bribe them?

I think there has to be one adult in the family that can tell the child no to certain things, could be the mum or dad. In my own case it was my mum that was the disciplinarian and my dad was just the fun loving chap that buys you chocolate all the time. Funny enough today the kids are more closer to my mum than dad, even though while growing up we couldn't stand her, lol.

It doesnt have to be a lot of money. I tell you, the children wont demand what is not obtainable in their environment.

When we were kids, my grandpa used to give us money on fridays. Everyone in the house would get new notes. Adults, like my mum would get 5naira each and we, children would get 1naira or 50kobo, depending on if you could recite the qur'an or not.

The money was very little and all we could buy with it was kulikuli. We all worked hard at being able to recite so as to graduate to the 1naira level.

That is one form of motivation, with little money that worked!

stillwater: I know one spoilt man that must always take revenge for telling him no or denying him something, lol.

Not that way. I think you have to teach them to take responsibility for their actions and to get whatever they want, beyond what you give them as parents is their own responsibility.

ileobatojo: Excellent post Osisi!



Hope the OP can now finally understand why you should say no sometimes even when you could say yes.

I am not hell bent as before. I realise there are instances that demand tough measures. You can't be fixated on giving them all. But when you can, without qualms, I still dont c y u shouldnt.

When people ask about the motivation for the future. I tell them it is not because of the future but because of now. I work hard because I dont want to have less than I have now and because I want to give my children more than I get now.

It is about letting people know what they deserve. If you bring them up thinking mediocre is fine, they'll probably just settle for less than they can have or achieve.

babyosisi: I will definitely advise you to have a re-think.of that method
You will end up with children that will insist on having their way at every level ,throw tantrums when they don't and real life is not that way.
You want Children that will adjust and fit into real life
Children need discipline
And sometimes part of that discipline is saying No even when you want to say yes
It teaches them patience,it teaches them contentment and appreciation
It enforces limits.
It teaches them gratitude for the things they get and the things done for them.
If we refuse to give them that discipline,the juvenile justice system will.

Being a good mother is being there at their school plays,at the parent meetings,dropping everything and listening and making an eye contact when they speak.
It is also making rules and enforcing those rules plus the consequences of breaking the rules.
The juvenile hall here in America is filled with children,some of them Nigerian kids without limits,whose parents had the best intentions
It is scary.
Nigerian kids shoplifting and doing break ins etc
I always tell people that I have just one chance to get it right at motherhood
You can change careers and lose weight or build muscles ,change spouse kpa kpa but you have just one opportunity to impact on your children and bring up a well rounded bunch.
I cannot afford to fumble that ball.


Rather than focusing on spoiling,ask yourself
How best can I raise these children such that when they leave my sight, or if i am nolonger here on earth,they can adapt to any environment and excel.
That is the best goal to have

Thank you. I am hopeful at doing it right.

I appreciate her facing her career but being a recluse in itself should not be confused with humility/modesty.

Welcome deols!!!


to Jo'burg

She could end up a v. good Muslim. I have seen that.

coogar: loads of people need that motivation. humans are very different. a simple "well done, son" is enough for some kids whilst some need to have something to work towards. ask why banks give bonuses to employees after paying the normal salary. most schools here even give kids free iPods for punctuality as directed by the government.



you better learn these skills from me and save yourself heart attack of having to chase kids to do chores they don't want to do just because you want them to.

this is how one woman tasks her kids....

https://s3.media.squarespace.com/production/1839383/19169215/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/personalized-clips.jpg

each kid is set a task every week. each jar contains money that is pre-determined as their allowance for the week. she adjusts that as needed when they don't complete all the chores.

https://s3.media.squarespace.com/production/1839383/19169215/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/allowance-jars.jpg

her children get the money when all their chores are completed by week's end. it's a great visual so they can see what they'll earn if they do all their chores. clear mason jars work great and she mounts them on a wall that the kids see every day as they enter the house.

https://s3.media.squarespace.com/production/1839383/19169215/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/to-dodone.jpg

call it what you wanna but this is brilliant parenting if i was a kid in this house, i would be doing all the tasks by myself without complaints. i doubt this mother would have to beat or scream the house down to get things done in the house!

I like her style, so much.

ileobatojo: It's brilliant parenting for greedy, money hungry kids like Coogar! . I can tell you right now, that technique will not work with me. If the worst thing that would happen if I don't do chores is that I won't get some extra cash for the week, you can be sure there will be a lot of undone chores quite frequently.

But some kids get used to other forms of punishment, like beating and end up never doing their chores even when they would be beat up for it.

A more subtle and better way is the reward system. Every child wants goodies and adventurous vacations or the latest games or new stuffs at the beginning of the session. They will do their chores to earn any of these and more.

I am only against the idea of saying No just so as to say No.

ileobatojo: Eh, we're still saying the same thing. Who needs the inconvenience of doing your own job right? Why simply do your job when you can do it for "motivation"?

Kudos papa Coogar, father of the year!! I hail o!

Why should anyone do anything in the first place if there is no reward for it? The reward could be just the satisfaction of having it done, comfort or cash.

damiso: Yep.They did.When I say I had a boyfriend as a teenager I did not mean I was sleeping with him or sleeping over in his house.I just wished he could come to my house without my mum and dad giving me a lecture for months.But it just was not going to happen.Cos to them.they felt a teenager did not need a boyfriend.And am not talking secondary school boyfriend, I was in university.Got into uni at 17.

But you didnt bring him home because you understood the terrain.

Actually,I agree that firmer decisions would have to be made by the parents.

It is a rudimentary organ that should be cut off.

Sorry, I don't get you on the bolded part. The initial post stated quite clearly, a determination to 'spoil' the child, giving in to their every wish (be it 'needs' or 'wants'), so how does the environment factor in this? In bringing up the child?

The environment is their surroundings and what they learn from there. School, religious places/ organisations where bad habits are said to them as wrong and not to be engaged in, conducts are taught, etc. They are less likely to demand the things they would not get. Usually, their thoughts are products of what they are exposed to.A child attending a public primary school in Nigeria is most probably unaware of disneyland and would not demand a vacation there.

On the contrary, it's a well known fact that most teenagers rebel against forms of authority in order to 'assert' themselves, parents included. They would go against the norm, push the boundaries which is all normal. (It's no fun experiencing this as a parent but it does happen).

Basically, what I'm trying to say here is this: Firstly, you haven't really answered the questions I asked, regarding how you would handle those two scenarios I've drawn, if presented to you by your teenage kids. What would you do? Give in? Or put your foot firmly down and say 'no'?

the firm approach would have to be used. But Like I said about the environment, it is less likely that a child brought up like I was for example would demand any of these.

I have seen trends that make me believe so much in this. At the same time, I know that there is no perfect way to it. Not everyone turns out the same way.

Actually, it goes beyond materialism and extends into the emotional part. Saying yes to every material desire simply paves the way for them expecting a 'yes' to their emotional demands. Think about it. If I child is brought up believing the world owes them everything and not vice versa, whose to say what happens when they get much older and find that real life really doesn't work that way?

I mean the emotional is unconditional. I thought you meant it in terms of giving quality time and providing emotional support when they need it.

How would they cope then, as young adults?

How would they understand the concept of working hard for what they want? Without it being handed over to them on a plate?

Just asking...

That is why they need to see it as a privilege and must learn to work hard to keep it going.
Abrahamovich's son made his first business investment as a teenager. He knows of profit and loss, I guess because he has been taught of them and not necessarily because he once lost a dime.

damiso: I knew jide was goin to pick on withdrawing vacay.Thats abuse innit (let me go souf london on you ).Just joking.
Ok let me use another example.My daughter is a very fussy eater.I remember how I used tear my hair out that she was not eating this bla bla.So the advise I got and used make sure she is hungry and give her what she likes.That was working for a while when she liked healthy wholesome foods.eg fruits, veg, fibre cereals etc.

As soon as she clocked 3, I noticed she acquired a taste for either waffles, pancakes or croissants for breakfast.No cereals, no juice just that 3.My husband (her chief manipulatee) was like if that is what she will eat lets just give it to her.I was like but its not healthy for her, he like you just said lets just give her what she wants.I was able to reach a small compromise by putting fruits on them, blending smoothies etc.She obliged for a while but then decided she did not want the fruits as well.So it was plain croissants or pain au chocolat or pancakes or waffles with syrup.I continued with this for like a month and then she started getting constipated.

Last week I just thought to myself who is the mother in this house.Why should she be eating what she likes because that is what she wants even though its not good for her? So on that fateful day I made sure it was a day my husband left home early.She came down for breakfast and I put cheerios and orange juice on the table.She was like mummy I want pancakes or waffles.I said we have no pancakes or waffles you are having cereal and juice.She was like but I dont like cereal and juice.Ok is there croissant.I said no you are having cereal and juice.She was like cereal is disgusting.I just ignored her and went upstairs to bathe her brother.

She wailed, cried, threw tantrums, I just ignored.By the time I was ready to take to her to nursery the cereal was untouched and congealed.She said mum am hungry.I said you have food in front of you.She faffed about and we were going to be late so I took a pack for smoothies she could have on the road.In other words, she left for nursery without breakfast.Shocking but I was not going to budge .I knew the smoothie was strawberry and bannana so could hold her tummy.

Next morn, it was mummy no croissant or waffles, I said no honey its wholemeal toast and egg.She normally does not egg but she had a bit of the egg, like half the toast and drank all her juice (this time I remembered to give her apple cos she prefers it).
By this morning, she has not had waffles, pancakes or croissants for a two straight weeks.Might just give her a treat tomorrow. .Might.
All I am trying to illustrate is not ALL things they want is necessarily good for them.

hmmmn

coogar: headmaster, pataki!
today's kids are complex and my biggest peeve is having to endure kids wailing in my ears. when the mum is not looking, i bribe the kid. people say it's spoiling but it's much better than the drama you would encounter while trying to straighten them up!

I once talked of financial management. He could learn to make money by getting things done.

learning at home-the best environment isnt a bad idea IMHO.

biolabee: Then he gets used to being 'bribed' and 'sweet-talked' to wash his plates or clean his toilet

when there are no such inducements, he becomes the spitting roach-man who keeps his toilet unwashed for 3 months as we all saw in the last thread

the chronic lord of the flies

what is wrong with others doing the chores for him? He gets used to a clean environment and when there is no one to do it for him, he is uncomfortable and devises a means of getting it done..anyway anyhow.

yellowpawpaw: I saw ur first ?. Was very busy otherwise I would hv explained myself but I got cold feet when I saw this naw.u don't expect me to still expantiate after this?

The comment wasnt necessarily directed @ you.

Pataki: I can't even beat my kids. Although I must say the environment in which you raise a kid also matters.

I was in Nigeria for a few months this year and my orientation I noticed had changed tremendously. I stayed with one of big aunty who had own kids, and in the Nigerian context was 'spoilt'. Esp. the last kid. He is very respectful, always prostrating to greet me and using 'sir' at every instance he addresses me which I sincerely was not comfortable with. I complained about this to the mom, but she told me to please let him continue. I had to bear with it during my stay.

The aspect where he was spoilt was that he does not know how to wash his plates, his uniform, etc. The housemaid does it or the washing machine sometimes. The mom decided that he needed to learn and he started his revolt in the house. One evening, he started crying simply because his mom asked him to wash a kitchen napkin. I asked him why he was crying.....and he said nothing. Soon after I was walked away, this boy hissed at me! The mom was shocked that I refused to discipline his son for hissing at me, citing various other instances where I also did not discipline her son for his spoilt behavior.

Needless to say, I did punish the boy after the mom talked me into it. I felt bad slightly afterwards for doing it, but environment do matter when it comes to defining what is a spoilt kid as such.

This story just supports the beating part and if you can beat her child, she probably thinks she deserves to beat yours

damiso: Errm I was brought up to see this as wrong.Even as a 25 yr old working lady, my parents still would not knowingly let me sleep over at my fiance 's (fiance not boyfriend o) house.
BUT as a teenager though not that as extreme as sleeping over but I often wanted to have boys over to vist.Even my boyfriend sef cos I had one .

but did they?

@ tpia

.

your thread title and subsequent post started off on the wrong footing, you sound like people who see things in either black or white, ie good or bad with no in between. One dimensional thinking.

I used to just have my own thoughts and just do my thing my way. But I have seen the wisdom in hearing what other people have to say. If I was one dimensional, I wont be here.

why should you think its normal for another person to beat, bully, shout at or hurt your kids?

No. I dont think it is normal but there are some people who think there is nothing wrong with others spanking their kids. I have had a similar discussion with people of my age group who think it is ok if others beat their Children.

how does not allowing demented characters to abuse/insult your kids, amount to the kids being "bad people"?

if you dont take that kind of crap for your own self, why are you wondering if its ok for your kids?

I wasnt wondering. I was asking of what you think. The question is not only for the beating part but everything that connotes 'spoiling'.

I have the records of almost all, if not all of the beatings I got in secondary school. I dislike everyone involved for it. There is no way I would want such a treatment for others, let alone my own children.

Now, if you were an aunt who gets the stare/remark against hitting someone else's child, would you find it offensive, see the woman as a bad mother or the children as spoilt?






these define being human.

parenting is much more.






i wonder if you were able to glean something?[/quote]

chaircover: honest answer is I dont know. we try to keep them as comfortable as possible and at the same time draw the reigns as appropriate.

Yes. That is the answer right there. If you compare an average Nigerian and how they think a child should be deprived in order to be successful with you making them as comfortable as possible, you'd see that yours are in LUXURY.

[quote author=Efemena_xy]Hmmm...I can't help but feel this aspect of 'spoiling' your kids is veered more towards materialism (in a good way..)

@ Deols: what about the emotional aspect of 'spoiling' your kids? You can't always give them what they want! C'mon. There is a reason why you are the adult and they, the child(ren). You the adult, are meant to direct, guide and lead the way. They are meant to look up to you for guidance. So how do you achieve this if you give in to their every wants, needs and desires?[/quote]the emotional part, inclusive. I have always put that in mind.

So say for example, your teenage daughter (yes, teenager with the raging hormones), tells you she wants to spend the night at her boyfriend's home, what would your response be? Are you gonna give in to her because you want to 'spoil' her?

Or if your teenage son informs you that he wants to drop out of school because school's 'uncool'? What would you do then?

Here is where the environment plays a role. A child brought up to see this as wrong wouldn't demand it.

that is why it veers more towards materialism.

chaircover: Every single child is different. Some only need to read the expression in mummy's eye to fix themselves and some have to have the devil beaten out of them. As a parent you have to apply the right medicine to the right condition. Some kids you say NO to and they say ok mum, while some kids will throw tantrums and disgrace you on walmarts floor.

I supply both wants and needs for my children (most parents do this anyway) and at the same time letting them know that it is a privilege and they should not misuse it. IMO Parenting is an all round affair and its not just about discipline or being frugal. Its about communication, being there for them, spending time with them and being in their world too . . . these are the things that also shape a child. Its also about how you as parents are and how you behave in front of them. their brains are like sponges and they take everything in even though you may think that they are not watching.

Do I "spoil" my kids? maybe! . . . .but the major overall objective is making sure that when they step out into the real world they are well adjusted, happy, and a benefit to their community.

yh. parenting is all encompassing but there's a base/mindset on which the method used is created.

Jarus: 20k received from PUZZIE
Account

1, Nairamar - 5,000
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Balance - 42,000

Uzzie or Puzzie??

I think Uzzie.

wow. ma sha Allah.

I am not so good at cheering but will do so anyways.

ehn ehn. .I will keep praying for those who have made contributions and pray for those who are willing to.

You can also help by involving your bbm and whatsapp contacts.

May Allah bless everyone.