₦airaland Forum

What if people bought cars like they buy
Computers?

The car companies don't have help lines
for people who don't know how to drive,
because people don't buy cars like they
buy computers, imagine if they did,

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help
you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and
nothing happened!

Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot
and turn it?

Customer: What's an ignition?

Helpline: It's a starter motor that draws current
from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How
come I have to know all these technical terms to
use my car.

Helpline: Toyota Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it
won't go anywhere!

Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know?"

Helpline: There's a little gauge on the front
panel with a needle and markings of 'E' and 'F'.
Where is the needle pointing?

Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that
mean?

Helpline: It means you have to visit a gasoline
vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can
install it yourself or pay the vendor to install
it for you.

Customer: What? I paid $18,000 for this car!
And your telling me I to keep buying more
components? This is outrageous! I want a car that
comes with everything built in!

Helpline: Ford Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: Your cars suck!

Helpline: What's wrong?"

Customer: It crashed, that's what's wrong!

Helpline: What were you doing?

Customer: Well I wanted to go faster, so I pushed
the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor, It
worked for a while and then it when off the road
at a corner and crashed and it won't start now!

Helpline: It's your responsibility if you misuse
the product. What do you expect us to do about it?

Customer: I expect you to send me one of the
latest versions that doesn't crash!

Helpline: BMW Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I
chose your car because it has automatic
transmission, cruise control, power steering,
power brakes, power door locks, power seats,
power, "

Helpline: Well,, thanks for buying one of our
top of line cars. So how can I help you?

Customer: Well, how do I work it?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Do I know how to what?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Look, I'm not a mechanic. I'm not even
very technical. I just want to go places in my
new car!

1 You lose arguments with inanimate
objects.
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep
from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in
your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator
from Massachusettes.
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit
by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the
elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case -
coincidence?? - I think not!
9 Two hands and just one mouth, - now
THAT'S a drinking problem!
10 "Norm!" is what they say when you
enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye
closed
12 The parking lot seems to have moved
while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95
installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife "where
are the kids?", but you don't really have
a wife and you're talking to the
refridgerator.
16 You fall off the floor.
17 You discover in the morning liquid
cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and
Hops.
19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed,
replaced it with "Red Dog."
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories
as a burger, screw dinner!
21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast
anymore.
22 The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23 Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24 When you go to donate blood and they
ask what proof?
25 Vampires get woozy after biting you.
26 The only drinking problem is not
having a drink right now.
27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name
is, uh, "
28 Your idea of cutting back is less
seltzer.
29 When vomiting becomes a relief.
30 Having a hard time staying on the side
walk - left, right, stumble, fall
31 You wake up in the bedroom, your
underwear is in the bathroom.
32 Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33 You think, Four Basic Food Groups are
Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34 Every night you're beginning to find
your roomate's cat more attractive.
35 Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence
of incohol.
36 Waking up with a traffic cone between
your legs.
37 No ocifer, I'm not drunk, you're
just sober,
38 Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall
down, No Problem
39 If on a diet, you cut back your food
calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40 Take me drunk, I'm home!
41 The bottle's empty, that's the
problem!
42 Find yourself as the captain for the
Exxon Valdez.
43 You wake up naked lying in the corner
of a bus depot.
44 Roseanne looks good.
45 Don't recognize wife unless seen
through bottom of bottle.
46 You drink to get over a hangover.
47 That damned pink elephant followed me
home again.
48 You are the proud owner of a porcelain
bus driver's liscense.
49 The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
50 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake
their heads when they walk past you.
51 You have a reserved parking space at
the A&P.
52 I'm as jober as a sudge!
53 You consider yourself a workaholic,
becuase every time you go to work, you
want to have a beer!
54 I slept with that damned pink elephant
again.
55 Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground
in circles after biting you.
56 Newt Gingrich, he's soooo sexy.
57 You find yourself in a room on a train
arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing
you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
58 Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59 You wake up in Korea in August and the
last thing you remember is the Fourth of
July party in Waikiki.
60 Red dog upside down looks like batman
eating a catwoman.
61 You've fallen and you can't/(don't
want to) get up.
62 You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
63 When hangovers become an attractive
alternative lifestyle.
64 BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
65 Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join
AA.
66 The shrubbery's drunk from frequent
watering.
67 Do you take this woman,
68 You wake up too groggy to come up with
anything funny for this damn list.
69 You realize you have shaved your head
except for a little rat tail hanging
from the top and you're pestering people
to buy incense & crap.
70 Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie,
and Jose.
71 Double vision so much the norm, you
can't function w/o it.
72 You listen to the radio and start
dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
73 Because you're not as think you are
drunk I am,
74 salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates -
yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
75 Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76 Why does everybody think I have a
prinking droblem?!
77 You can't remember what your family
looks like, or if you have a family.
78 You wake up surrounded by 50 dented
cases of SPAM.
79 You like SPAM.
80 You get defensive when someone asks if
you have drinking problem.
81 Haven't stopped drinking since Carter
got elected.
82 I don't have a drinking prob, pleb,
prub, hic Pash me another, tarbender.
83 You spend a whole night holding up
walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
84 The opposite wall is covered with
ceiling tiles and there are rows of light
fixtures.
85 When you feel drunk is feeling
sophisticated when you can't say it.
86 When you feel that beauty lies in the
hands of the beer holder.
87 When you read about the evils of
drinking, and give up reading.
88 When you feel reality is an illusion
that occurs due to the lack of alcohol

There was this little boy, and his parents were
having a fight. The dad called the mom a bitch,
and the mom called the dad a bastard. The little
boy asked what a bitch and a bastard were. Mom
said, "a bitch is a girl and a bastard is a boy."
The little boy was happy and went away.

The next day, when the fight was over, the little
boy was on his parents bed when he looked under
his parents pillow. He held something up and
asked what it was. Dad said that it was a condom.
The boy asked what that was, and dad said that it
was a coat.

The boy went into the bathroom where his dad was
shaving. Dad cut himself and yelled Shit!. The
boy asked what shit was and the dad said, "Shit
is cutting something." The little boy walked
away happy.

He went downstairs where his mom was cutting the
turkey for the party that they were having that
night. Mom cut herself and said, "Bleep!" When the
boy asked again what the word Bleep meant, the
mother said to her son, "Bleep is cutting
something."

When the doorbell rang, the little boy was told
to answer the door and let the people in. When
he answered the door, He proudly said, "Bitches
and Bastards, may I please have your condoms so
I can hang them up. My Dad is upstairs putting
on shit, and mom's in the kitchen fucking the
turkey!"

4 guys telling stories in a bar; 1 guy leaves to
go to the restroom, 3 guys are left.
First guy says, "I was worried that my son was
gonna be a loser because he started out washing
cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he
got a break, they made him a salesman, and he
sold so many cars that he bought the dealership.
In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his
best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too
because he started out raking leaves for a
realtor. Turns out he got a break, they made him
a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought
the real estate firm. In fact, HE's so successful
that he just gave his best friend a new house for
his birthday.

Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started
out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well He
got a break, they made him a broker, and now he
owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich
that he just gave his best friend $1 million in
stock for his birthday."

Fourth guy comes back from the rest room. The
first 3 explain that they are telling stories
about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm
embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major
disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser
and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In
fact I just found out that he's gay and has
SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the
bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new
Mercedes, a new House and $1 Million in stock
for his birthday."

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and
drives women wild?

Answers needed.

4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first
one said she wanted to watch the INDY 500. The
second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michels
on WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch
the knitting channel so she can knit some mittens
for the kitchen. The fourth nun said she wanted
to watch the discovery channel on how a baby is
born.

After some dicussion, they all decided to flip
channels every 2 seconds so they can watch the
same things.

This is what is sounded like:
And they're off! They're on top of each other!
In, Out, In, Out, and yes, the baby is
born!

She Married His Father and got all the inheritance.

Pls ooooooo, i actually fell off my chair with laughter, pls stop am oooo.
LMFAO

Free:
is still not funny, @idiot u got a weird sense of humor

i dont think so, it's funny cos everything is in reverse, there's humour in it.

Two explorers walking through a jungle stumble
upon a tribe of savages, who promptly tie the two
explorers up and take them to the chief of the
tribe. The chief presents them with two options:
death, or pungee.

The first explorer thinks to himself "Well,
anything's gotta be better than dying", so he
chooses pungee.

The chief then throws his hands up in the air
and yells "pungee".

Suddenly the whole tribe (a few hundred of'em)
rip off their loin clothes and all begin savagely
fucking the explorer up the ass. Some of the
savages take sharp sticks and shove them up the
explorers ass. The raping goes on for hours, and
when it finally ends, the explorer is left
quivering on the ground in a pool of his own
blood, yet still alive.

The other explorer, who had been watched in
horror the whole time says "Holy shit, I'll take
death"

"Very well then" the chief replies, "death,
by PUNGEE!!!

Theres this woman and her husband's sex
life wasn't doing that great. So she went to the
doctor and the doctor gave her a bottle of pills
and ordered her to put one pill into her husbands
coffee every morning. So the first morning she
does as the doctor said and that night the sex
was great, so the next day she decides to put two
pills in and instantly the husband is Hot.
Finally, on the thrid day she puts the whole
bottle in and it's CRAZY, all day they just had
sex. A couple of days later the doctor called to
see how everything was going and a little boy
answered the phone. The doctor asked, "How's your
daddy been?" The boy answered, "Well, let's put
it this way, my mom's dead, my sister's
preganent, my ass hurts, and my dad's on the
front porch saying Here Kitty Kitty Kitty"!!!

A lady doing laundry discovered that the dryer
stopped getting hot. "Hey honey" she called to
her husband. "The dryer's broke, can you fix
it?" "Who do I look like, the Kenmore repairman?"

A few days later the dishwasher broke. "Honey,
the dishwasher broke. Can you fix it?" "Who do I
look like, the Maytag man?" grumbled her husband.

A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey, I
can't fix dinner, the oven broke. Can you fix
it?" "Who do I look like, an oven repair man?"

A few weeks later the husband said to his wife,
"Hey honey. I noticed you got all that stuff
around the house fixed. How much did it cost?"

"Well" the wife replied, "You know Mick next
door. Well, he agreed to do all the repairs for
free if I'd sleep with him or bake him a cake."

"What kind of cake did you make him?"
"Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks
since he's eaten anything besides what he could
forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves
and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the
woods. It has vines covering most of it and the
man can't see any other buildings in the area.
However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney
implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers,
with a beard almost down to the ground. The old
man squints his eyes and says 'What do you want?'

The man says 'I've been lost for the past three
weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep
since that time. I would be most gracious if I
could have a meal and sleep in your house for
tonight'

The old Chinese man says 'I'll let you come in
on one condition: You cannot mess around with
my grandaughter'

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees,
saying 'I promise I won't cause you any trouble.
I'll be on my way tommorrow morning'

The old Chinese man counters 'Ok, but if I do
catch you then I'll give you the three worst
chinese torture tests ever known to man.'

'Ok, Ok' the man said as he entered the old
house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind
of woman would live out in the wilderness all her
life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat
(after showering), he saw how beautiful the
grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and
while he had only been lost three weeks, it had
been many, many months without companionship. And
the girl had only seen the occasional monk
besides her grandfather and well, they both
couldn't keep their eyes off each other
throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom
and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise
down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room
later that night thinking to himself, 'Any three
torture tests would be worth it after that
experience.'

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a
heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and
there was this huge rock on his chest. On the
rock was a sign saying '1st Chinese torture
test: 50 kg rock on your chest'.

'What a lame torture test' the man thought to
himself as he got up and walked over to the
window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock
out. On the backside of the rock is another sign
saying '2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied
to RIGHT testicle'.

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the
window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after
the rock. Outside the window is a third sign
saying '3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT
testicle tied to bedpost'.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it
ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot
of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
A death. What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.

You get kicked out when you're too young, you get
a gold watch when you go to work. You work forty
years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement!

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you
get ready for high school! You go to grade school,
you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a little baby, you
go back into the womb, you spend your last nine
months floating, you finish off as a gleam.

A boy goes to hell and the devil says to
him, "You see before you three doors
which lead to three separate rooms. You
must choose to go through just one and
you will spend the rest of eternity in
that room." Worried that he will choose
the wrong door, the man persuades Satan
to let him have a little peek behind
each door before making his final
decision. Behind the first door, everyone
is standing on their heads on a wooden
floor. Behind the second door everyone
is standing on their heads on a stone
floor. Behind the third door everyone is
standing in a room with manure up to
their ankles and drinking coffee. He
decided to choose the third. He tells
the devil his choice and is ushered
inside. A few moments later the devil
opens the door and shouts, "OK, coffee
break's over, back on your heads."

A priest and a nun are riding a camel through the
desert. It's so hot the camel collapses and dies
of heat and exhaustion. The priest knows they
will die soon also, so he asks the nun if there's
anything she would like to do that she has never
been done before in her life.

She says, "I have never seen a man naked before."

The priest says, "My heavens sister, I can't
believe you would say a something like that, but
since it's your dying request I'll fulfill it."

He takes off his clothes and the sister is
surprised and points between his legs and says,"
What is that?"

The priest says, " This is my staff of life. I
can put it in your hole and create life!"

So the sister says, " Well stick it in the camel
and let's get the hell out of here!"

Wow, Hmmmmmmmm (short of words)

Nope, it's not

"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's
insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping
to free her husband from his inhibitions, during
a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp-
-only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past
10 years!?!"

"Honey! Let me explain!"

"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You
impotent SOB!!"

"Wait a minute! Speaking of sneaky!" he
interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2
kids!!!"

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks
his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his
own that she will never open. The bride agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his
drawer has been left ajar. She peeks in and sees
3 golf balls and $6,000.

She confronts her mate with her findings, and
asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time
I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the
drawer."

She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But
what about the $6,000? He explains "Whenever I
got a dozen golf balls, I sold 'em!"

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong
first walked on the moon, he not only gave his
famous 'one small step for man, one giant leap
for mankind' statement but followed it by several
remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other
astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he
re-entered the lander, however, he made the
enigmatic remark 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky.'

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual
remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in
either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong
as to what the 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky' statement
meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Eleven years ago, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL)
while answering questions following a speech, a
reporter brought up the 26 year old question to
Armstrong. This time he finally responded.

Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong
felt he could answer the question. When he was a
kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed
in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he
leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong
heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. 'Oral
sex! You want MouthAction?! You'll get MouthAction when
the kid next door walks on the moon!'

So this guy is looking for some help at his
manufacturing plant so he puts an ad in the paper.
This guy shows up so he puts him to work and this
guy is a fantastic worker, never had anyone
better.

Monday rolls along and the guy gets a phone call
from his new employee "Can't come in today I'm
sick" So the guy figures what the hell.

Tuesday to Friday the new guys back and again a
fantastic job, couldn't be better. Monday rolls
along and the guy gets a phone call from his new
employee again "Can't come in today I'm sick" The
boss sighs but he's never had such a good employee
so what the hell. Tuesday to Friday the new guy's
just great, but again on Monday morning the boss
gets the phone call "Can't come in today I'm sick"

Tuesday the boss sits the new guy down. "So what's
up with this crap you keep pulling on Mondays? I
mean you're the best employee I've ever had and
I'd hate to let you go but what's up with this?"

"Well every Monday on my way to work I stop by
my sisters place just to see how she's doing and
well one thing leads to another and we end up
spending the rest of the day screwing our brains
out"

"Oh Christ that's disgusting!!!!!!"

"Hey I told you I was sick!"

A lonely reporter, sent out west to cover the
goldrush, walked into a small town bar. He asked
one of the local prospectors seated at the bar
what they did for female companionship.

"F**k sheep," the fellow replied.

After verifying that the few local saloon girls
were indeed so ugly that sheep looked good, he
resolved to remain celibate. But after several
months he broke down and went out and cornered a
nice sheep and took it to his hotel room to wine
and bed it. The next day when he took his
4-legged concubine to the bar for a drink,
everybody stared at him like he was crazy.

"You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" he shouted,
"You've been fucking sheep for years, and now
that I have gone as low as you, you all stare at
me like I'm a crazy pervert!"

A cowboy in the back of the room then spoke up,
"But tenderfoot, that's the sheriff's gal!"

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to
find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an
ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate
who is loyal, rich and a good lover.

After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens
the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no
arms and no legs.

He says, "I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do
I know you're loyal?"

"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam.
That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own
software company. You can look at my bank
statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands,
"Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Crazy u mean, Real C.R.A.Z.Y

This couple Mark and Kerrie get married and go
Jamaica for their honeymoon. Mark is around 6'7"
and 300 lbs and Kerrie is 4'11" and 87 lbs. They
get to their hotel room and Mark takes his pants
down and gives them to Kerrie and says, "Here put
these on".

Kerrie laughs and says, "I could fit my whole
body in one leg". Mark insists and says put them
on.

Kerrie finally says, "Mark I can not wear these".
Mark smiles triumphantly and says, "That’s right,
now you know who wears the pants in the family,
do not forget it."

Kerrie grins and takes off her panties and she
tells Mark to put them on.

He laughs and says, "I am too built, I can't get
in these".

Kerrie winningly replies, "That’s right and you
won't get in them until you change that
attitude."

This homeless guy walks into a bar and says,
"Gimme whiskey."
The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money
first."
"I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of
whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart
Dixie!"
The bartender had never seen someone fart any
kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy
drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers
up on stage and the audience starts applauding.
Then he drops his pants and the audience starts
cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit
all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted
and leaves.
The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna
fart Dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"
The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to
clear his throat before he sings!"

O My Gawd

Hmmmm,
I like this thread, Cool Fm's cool but i think i like Rhythm better (not because i work for them) but because i think u can actually really relate with the system of their broadcasting, not forgetting that it's owned by the biggest entertainment outfit in West Africa (silverbird).