₦airaland Forum

mindfreakerz:
Flow baba always on point #Buate #Team1759

Thank you.

“Flow!! No be you be that? Na me Padiman na!” He said from the other end of the call.

“who is Padiman?” I was asking out of the wrong side of my brain.


Then at the right side; “ooooh! Padiman! Na you? Sorry I no know say na you” I said, “I think say them don thief my phone oh!” It then occurred to me that Padiman’s real name was Obinna.

“no oh! As you keep am nahim I collect am put for my pocket” He said, “but because you dey tell me story of seminary nahim make I forget to give you back”

“but why na” I cried, “which kin rough play be that?”

“guy no vex, na forget nahim I forget” He said, “I no remember to give you before you go!”

“guy you don f’uck me up today, na trek nahim I trek go where I dey go” I lied.

“no vex na!” He said, “abi make I kneel down beg you?”

“no kneel down abeg, I don hear you” I had forgiven him but I will never forget.



“guy! Guy! No cut the phone abeg!” He pleaded.

“eheeen! Wetin be the problem? Wetin you wan talk? Talk fast! Na business centre I dey use call you so”

“ok, but first promise me say you no go vex for me for this thing wey I wan talk so?”

“talk quick na! this call don dey enter two minutes” I was sure.

“I go talk but promise me first?”

“ok, I promise you” I had no choice.

“see ehn, that your wallet ehn……..” He started.

“the money wey dey inside ehn……… I don spend am” That was a shocker.

“you say wetin?”

“Flow no vex abeg, As my girlfriend come , and I see say I no owe she-she for hand, nahim I look inside that your wallet, com see 2k, nahim wey I spend………….”

“and why on earth will you do such a thing?” I cut him.

“no vex na, na condi………………”

“condi what? So na condition go make you spend money wey no be your own?”

“now listen! That money is not mine oh!” I said.

“is for Bush shaker oh!” Bush shaker had earlier given me 1,000 naira to keep for him, that he was hiding it from his mum who would definitely search him when he got home.

Our dear Padiman doesn't know who Bush shaker was when it came to money, maybe because he had not meet him.



“God forbid bad thing! I go pay back oh, how I go spend America president money”

“I go pay you oh, I no dey for George Bush wahala”

What was he saying.

“in fact if you come back come collect the money” He promised, “I no want make you drag me go America oh!”

That was another thing I detested about Padiman, he was an illiterate no disputing that, but he always made hasty reasoning; like his brain was always on fast forward.


“Flow you don turn big boy oh!” He hailed, “you dey run things with America President!!”




“But wait oh Flow!......................” I was about hanging up.

“oooh God!! wetin be that?” I yelled.

“I wan ask you one question……”

“ask!!!!”

“una don share food finish for Seminar?”





I hung up and handed over the phone to the pay phone attendant for her to bill me.

While she did, I flashed back to when I dropped my phone and wallet on the pavement, and tried to figure out if Padiman intentionally collected them or I forgot them. Or both.

How can he be so wicked as to stealing my wallet and phone?

But I don’t know him for stealing?

Was he under duress?

Did he just want to play pranks with me?


“oga na seven minutes oh” The Pay phone attendant announced.

“seventeen what?”

“how can it be seventeen minute? this short call??”

“when you dey call am you no know abi? na now wey e don reach to pay nahim you dey talk rubbish”


Next thing I saw, she had grabbed my shirt. My pure white shirt.

“you must pay me my money oh!” She yelled and said something in Ikwerre. From my Igbo knowledge, I interpreted what she said as; “419 boys! Naso una go wear suit dey do people 419, e no go work for you!”


Ikwerre Girls!!

Ikwerre Girls are beautiful no disputing that, they are hardworking no disputing that also. My problem with them is their mouth. They can insult! Mouth Ebola they all have, Aside Tonto Dike of course. And Monalisa Chinda too.


I will never forget one of them told me my shoe looked like her Grand father’s hunting shoe, just because I asked her out.







“you must pay me my money oh!”

“leave my shirt na, you will dirty it!”

“I will not leave it until you pay me!!”

"i did not say i will not pay you na"

“ok lemme pay you”

“how much is it?”

“your money is 140 naira”

"i thought you said it was seventeen minutes" I had already calculated how much seventeen minutes will cost and it caused me heartache.

"no, i said seven not seventeen" she said.

I praised God it wasn't seventeen minutes, if not i would had sold my suit to her on auction.







I paid her and said; “see as you don dirty my shirt? You go pay for am oh”







I left the Ikwerre pay phone girl with her troubles and headed back to the interview centre.

As I just stepped in the interview kicked off. Really before the stated time.


“Who is Eke Ugochukwu………………….” Before he finished saying my complete name, I stood up and said; “I sir!”



As I walked "tear-tearstically" to the room to be interviewed, I quickly let out all the farts in my bowel.

Reason being that I learned from other people’s mistake.


Fix something had told us of an interview he went to that he was so close to getting save the fart he farted.

“Mr. Emmanuel we are so impressed, you are qualified for the job, we will get back to you in two days!”

“thank you! Berrefaaaaaaaaaaaaaagbra!” He broke the air.

“braaaaaahahagaha!” the interviewers were shocked, one of them even thought it was thunder.

“what did you just do??”

“sorry sir, I have running stomach!”

“braadadafaradarfeabara!!” He let out one that according to him almost tore his inner wear.




“nhmmmmmm!! Leave!!”




“will you leave this place immediately!”

Chimaritoponcho:
flow flow flow
how many times did I call you
stop disorganising dis story
why on earth will an update not in anyway be affiliated to the previous one for fvcks sake
no be say I dey complain but d tin dey pain me

How do you mean?

I think you should read again. Its a twist.

MannyAgyeiK:
Ebei!!!!!! Hmmm, Flow, this your wahala is in verses and chapters like Bible. How all this bad luck go fit happen at the same time? Anyway, I was ROTFL at the last part. Wob3ka nokware. Why didn't you say you're Flow? Like you'll see... Anyway, ladies, please answer Flow's question: Will you marry oga Benji? Anyway, the story got me hooked like an Accra fisherman. Flow, wo y3 tough.

Thank you.

So tell me more about the Accra fishermen?

DonZaggy:
Keep It rolling boss flowee, we dey ur back gidigbaa. No mind bad belle people

Thank you for being at my back.

"but if you dey my back, i fit mess oh"

A hall of fame it was indeed. As I stepped into the hall, mehn! All eyes on me.


“why this one dress like this?"

“who be this one?”

“abi na him be the person wey go interview us?”

All that ran through their minds as they stared.

“ make una no look the way I dey waka, if I show una where my trouser tear wey make me dey waka like this, una go understand say an condition make Crayfish bend” I said within.


Bend! I walked as bent as Benji.

Benjamin was his name, but we preferred Benji for short. Benji was a tall handsome guy, but he had a very bad walking and standing posture.


Benji walked so bent that his entire body was always on “italics font”, even when he is in bed. A look at Benji when he walked could make the one with the gloomiest of mood smile, little wonder we christened him “Oga Bouncer”.

Bent structure was not all that made the girls fled from him, he was also a stammering machine. Benji stammering was World class and often times funny.

Funny in the sense that every sentence without a renowned “codey” added was incomplete. Such as: “co co co codey you no go chop?, “co co codey I was go p’iss”, “co co co codey I don mess”


But you dared not pronounce the “codey” for him. The last time my younger brother tried it, he lost a tooth.


That wasn’t all that made Benji’s case the worst, he also salivated and he was the baptismal pastor of the church The Saliva sprinkling and pouring Ministry.

Discuss with Benji for two minutes and you are baptized. Water baptism by sprinkling.

There was a day I sat while he stood discussing with me in an open clouded environment. That day I thought it was raining, drizzling I mean to say.


So I ask this Question to the Ladies reading, can you marry Brother Benji?











I was able to find a seat at the extreme left of the hall, so I settled quietly with leg crossed of course.

The hall wasn't too crowded, it contained about 25 persons with more males than females.


I thought of taking off my suit as I scanned through and saw there were a handful that dressed corporately and none dressed on suit.


In my mind I was crying bitterly for all I had went through all in the quest to get a job as a supervisor in a bar.

I thought of Padiman and Seminar.

I thought of the first “tear”.

Then the second “tear”.

And then my heart tore when I couldn’t find my phone and wallet.




“but wait oh!” I said to myself, “make I call my number see weda Padiman carry the phone abi him leave am for that Varanda wey I keep am?”


Since I had some money with me and the interview was for an hour’s time as announced, I walked outside to a nearby pay phone to call my number.

It rang and no one picked at first.

“my phone don go be that oh!” I feared, “them don thief am”

I tried for the second time, this time someone picked. A lady.


“you thief!! You better return the phone back to me” I was in fury, “or you die!”

“hello!! Hello!!”

“yes! I can hear you!”

“hello!! What are you saying? The owner of the phone is not around oh” She informed.

“who is the owner of the phone?” I asked.

“eeeehn Obinna!” She said.

“Now listen! Tell Obinna that if he doesn’t return this phone to the owner in the next two hours, he will die!!” I threatened.

“obinna!! Come and take the phone, someone wants to talk to you!” I heard her said.

“that is not my phone na!” I heard Obinna said before he spoke to me.

“hello!!”

“yes! Are you the thief that stole this phone from where I kept it?”

“now listen! If you don’t return it back to me in the next two hours…………!”

“you will die!” I spewed.

“me die!!”

“Flow! Na you be that?" The voice was sounding familiar.

“who is Flow?” For the first time since "fence s’hiting", I denied my nickname.



In August, our Toilet went bad, and I and my household adopted “fence s’hiting as the only remedy else we “s’hit on top s’hit”.

S’hit on top s’hit was another first from our Junior.

“oboy Shebi Landlord no wan call people wey dey park s’hit make them come draw s’hit comot for our soak away abi!”

“guy if him no wan call them, na for us to dey s’hit on top s’hit na!” Junior said.

“which one be s’hit on top s’hit na?” I asked.

“since s’hit don full everywhere na, na to the sh’it on top s’hit until no space for anybody to pass enter the toilet, until s’hit don block every where!” That was how bad our sewage system had gotten to.




I and Snow heed to Junior’s advised until something happened that made us stopped s’hiting on top s'hit and started “fence sh’iting”.

You wan know that thing wey make us stop?


Make I talk?

I know why I dey talk oh!


Na because if I tell una wetin happen to Snow inside toilet, some of una go vomit oh!

Make I talk?




Ok, I go talk, but not in full.









Snow slipped one day while he "s'hitted on top s'hit" and stamped his face on poo. In fact it was a poo baptism.

He was drunk though.






Sine that day, we found a new way to poo. Fossil poo.

Where climbing fence was required.




We started pooing on the next compound squatting on the fence.

It was a nocturnal activity and the part I liked the most was the air that blew into my a’sshole whenever I pooed and the sound the poo made whenever they landed on the grasses.

“braaaaakapo!” was the sound mine made.

“kpoedeommkoookop” Snow’s recited the first stanza of Swaziland national Anthem.

“potyreopehyndfmabetrehuywqaczx” our Junior’s.


The Landlord of the next compound warned and cursed yet we continued defecating in his compound and painted his side of the fence yellow.



Until one day…………………………


A knock was heard on the door, and I opened.

“are you Flow?” The Landlord of our s'hitting arena asked.

“me? Flow?”

“what is Flow?” I asked.


“you better answer and stop asking me useless question? what is your name?” He asked in anger.





“My name is Chukwuemeka Ogbonna!”

laykorn:
D9ty7
Larrysun
Standd
Divepen1
Thronekid
Kenwins
Mynd44
Stuff46
Candy
Princesa
Flow1759
Ishilove

I think you should ask ishilove that. No pun intended, she is good at it.

MannyAgyeiK:
Only job pursuit will make you wear suit and tie at 12:00 pm under the hot sun. Hmmmm. Anyway, still feeling the story.

Yeah right!!

Read on.

I stood at the bus stop for about 2 minutes then a taxi came.

That was one thing i so liked about Port Harcourt. Unlike Lagos, where you stand for 24 hours in the bus stop before you get half a Bus or a Molue to board.






“oga enter!” the taxi driver beckoned.

As I was about entering something happened…………




My trouser was stuck to something and the next thing I heard was “braaaaaaa!” it had torn.

“who mess?” I heard one of the passengers in the taxi asked.

“na your fore fathers mess!” I almost said.


“oga enter na!!” The taxi driver said.

“Mr. man no disturb me oh, if you wan go, go” I was in fury, “you no see say my trouser don tear?”

“this your useless motor don tear my trouser!”

“sorry oh!” The driver came down to see the “scar”.


“for where e tear?” He asked.




That could only happen in Port Harcourt. In Lagos, a taxi tears your trouser what you will hear amongst others are: “you be m’umu boy, you no fit enter motor quick!”, “you dey do fine boy, how your trouser no go tear?”, “see him fake suit sef” and such and such.

Lagos na bastard mehn!



“oga sorry oh!” One of the passengers said.

“thank you!” And that is how Nigerians should behave.


“which kin motor you carry for road na? you no know say the motor body rough?” I queried.

“no vex abeg! No vex!” And that is how a Nigerian taxi driver should behave.

“no worry I go carry you go where you go sew am!” How I wish a Lagos Commercial bus or Taxi driver is reading this.

“abeg leave me jor!! Me wey I dey go interview” At that moment I glanced at the time, it was 12:25pm.



The scorching effect of the sun on me made me untie the rope in my neck called Tie.


“so how you go do am na?” The driver asked.

“I go manage am like that na” I replied.

What I wanted to manage tore wider than Pep Gadiola’s.

What I wanted to manage was as wide as my mother’s cooking pot.

And that suit was expensive; very expensive.

In the car stereo, the presenter of the lunch shift was asking callers to give her a description of their perfect man. I heard someone that called in said she wanted a Tall Dark Handsome and Rich guy, and I at that Juncture said to myself, do I have any of these attributes? No was the answer.





“dropping dey oh!” I informed the driver.

He parked well as I sluggishly alighted in other for my trouser not to tear wider.






My worst nightmare stared me in the eyes as I alighted; “braaaaaaa!!” it tore wider; wide enough to contain my big head.



What a life sef?




“oga eeehn! This your motor na bad belle oh!” I cried.

“ehhhn! Which kin bad belle motor I enter to so?”

“see na, the trouser don tear more!”

Tears almost role down my face.



When tears actually rolled down my gloomy face was when I dipped my hand into all four pockets to realize that my phone and wallet were gone.






“oga driver no vex abeg no be my fault na!” I said, “that guy wey sidon near me don thief my wallet and my phone!”

“how you take know say na the guy?” He asked.

“na him na! you no see say him get big eye?” Thumbs up to Segun Arinze.


“abi naso I m’umu reach wey I go forget my phone and wallet for house?”




Immediately I said that, I flashed back to Padiman.

What a life sef?



“Padiman don kill me oh!”




I remembered I held my phone and wallet in my hand while I and Padiman talked "Seminar", but as he handed the polythene bag for the meat to me, and on seeing it was a handful, I dropped them on the pavement and collected the bag.


The talk with Padiman so much engrossed me that I never remembered to picked up my phone and wallet from the pavement. I forgot!!



“Padiman don kill me oh!!” I cried.

Padiman and Seminar nailed me.




A Lady in the taxi was kind enough to give me more than enough money to take me back home after the interview.



I walked into the interview hall majestically, "tear-tearsticaly" I mean to say.


What my eyes saw shocked me.

eROCK247:
Thumbs up boss! Ur updates just countered a stressful day...

I am glad it did. its a pleasure.

princesa:
The names of the nominees for best newcomers category are:
Africanchoice
Celia and
Oyinprince

all the best, let all votes begin

As i don get alert!! Na Godwin!!!

This is to say a big thank you to the Sponsors, i just received the reward for the best writer of the month.

And to you princesa, i say a big thank you to you. No vex oh! You don marry?

And to my fans. Mehn una too much. I will not fail to bring smiles on your beautiful and Handsome faces.

hayurmidey:
mo ku oo, my rib don crack.. Rotflmao

Then you should read this last update

Since the A'boki experience, I promised to keep searching for a job but with close surveillance on my CV when submitted.



I submitted my CV in a very big bar and I received a message to that effect.

It read thus: “K-Cey bar is pleased to invite you for an interview for the position of supervisor you applied for, make sure you are available for an interview by 1pm tomorrow. PS: No African time please!”

Short, simple and straight to the point.



“them those bar don call you?” Snow asked.

“yes oh! Them send me message say make I come for interview tomorrow” I replied.

“guy no vex oh, like how much you think say them fit pay me as Supervisor?” I needed to know.

“mehn to work for that kin bar as supervisor, the money go big oh” He replied.

“ehen!! Like how much?”

“ehnnnnn! e fit reach sixty thousand naira oh” He said.

“you mean am?”

“yes na!” He answered, “you no know the kin big men wey dey come drink there?”

“but wetin you go wear go the interview na?” He asked.

“wear as how?”

“cloth wey you go wear go na?”

“na normal cloth na?” I said, “normally T-shirt and jeans”

“haba Flow! How you go wear ordinary T-shirt go interview for K-Cey bar” He said, “you for kuku wear singlet and boxers go na?”

“wetin you mean?” I was curious.

“I mean say you no suppose wear T-shirt go that kin interview”

“how na?”

“I mean say you suppose dress well go there na”

“dress well as how? no be bar? T-shirt and jeans make sense na” I waited for the shocker of my life.


“you suppose wear that your suit and nack am with correct tie”

“you say wetin?”

And this was in the season when the sun was at its peak.



“so you say make I wear suit and tie go interview for bar?”

“yes na!” He said, “you no know say-you are addressed the way you dress?”

“you are addressed the way you dress, no be for bar oh” I said, “and for this kin hot sun wey dey shine this days?”

“guy I know wetin I dey tell you!” He said, “this bar no be ordinary bar!”

“if you wear correct suit go them go know say you ready for the supervisor job” He added.





After arguing with him for a while, I succumbed.

I decided that suit was it; suit and jacket.





12:09pm the next day, I was set for the interview. Dressed on a black suit, and a brown and black jacket housed by a starched and ironed pure white shirt, I walked princely in other for my well polished shoe not to buy dust.




“where you dey go wey you dress like this?” I met Padiman on my way.

“I dey go one occasion” I answered.

“which occasion?”

“na one seminar like that” I replied.

“Flow! So you wan become fada?”

“me? Which day I tell you that one?” I never had discussed with Padiman telling him I had a calling to priesthood. Never!

“yes na! no be wetin you just talk now now?”

“which time I talk like that?” I was lost.

“you talk say you wan go seminar” He said, “abi no be people wey wan become fada nahim dey go seminar?”

“hahahahahahah! Oboy you be olodo oh!” I said, “na seminar I talk no be seminary”


“ehnnn! I don hear” He said, “I no go school na, my own school na for shrine wey my Papa be my lecturer, and another of my school na Garri”

Garri and Shrine seminary school,Okigwe, Imo State. Imagine such name for a seminary school.


“so na wetin dem dey do for seminar?” He inquired.

“ok, seminar?” I thought of the right answer.

“yes na!”


“seminar na party where everybody fit come chop belleful”

“ehennnnn! You mean am?” He bought it.

“yes na!” I said, “na where Government dey give people wey need food free food make dem chop”

“ehennnn! You mean am?”

“yes na!” I said, “and na any food wey you want them go give you chop oh”

“ehennn! Even fried Rice?” he asked.

“yes na, even yam porridge” I answered.

“ehennn!! Why you com wear suit dey go seminar na?” He asked.

“na because na me dey serve the food to people, na like this them say make we dey dress, na our uniform be this”


“Flow! But you wicked oh!” He said, “why you no tell me since na, make I follow dey serve the food”

“no na, the people wey dey serve the food na graduates only” I said, “and you no be graduate”

“ehnnn! I know say I no be graduate, you for tell me, maybe I for dey assist you, I for be assistant sharer”

“assistant sharer abi? Na true oh” I said, “no vex, if them start to dey collect people for assistant sharer I go let you know”


“ok na! make I dey go, I don late!”

“but wait oh! Why you com carry file for hand na? wetin una dey use am do?” He asked.

“we dey use am record the number of people wey don chop” I said, “so that cheating no go dey”

“ok oh! But I wan ask you for one favour oh!”

“wetin be that?”

“if you share the food finish ehn!!..............” He said and handed over a polythene bag to me.

“.........take this nylon bag, use am bring meat for me”

“meat?”

“yes na? abi them no dey put food for the meat wey una dey share?” He confused me.

“as how?” I was as confused as Charlie Chaplin.

“I say them no dey put food for the meat wey una dey share?” He confused me the more.

“guy! Food for meat abi meat for food?” I corrected him.

“sorry jor! Food for meat! I mean Meat for food!” He said, “As your man wey I be, I want make you help me arrange some meat for this nylon”

“you know say I dey like meat na”

“hahahahahahahahah!” I laughed, “no wahala my man, I go help you arrange them the meat wey I go fit arrange”

“ehen, you be correct guy!!”He said, “help me arrange big-big ones oh!”

“hahahahahahahah!” I laughed.






Little did I know laughter would soon turn tears.

MannyAgyeiK:
People that wish to cheat go get 'bamijoko' so they can get away with it. Aaba. That Godwin guy should respect customers, cuz they keep his shop alive. But flow drop anoda banger o. The part wey dey bee me, be the way you dey describe the equipment for Godwin im shop wey dem rob. 'I pass my neighbour'. Hahahahaha.

Make una no vex.

I wasn't able to update due to some network problem, i think from Nairaland.

We woke up to Saint Valantaine’s day with hunger and no food in the house.




“omoh make we go thief plantain na?””I suggested, “we no fit stay like this na”.

“for where we go thief the plantain na?” Snow asked.

“e get one plantain wey don mature for landlord backyard” I said.

“so you wan make we go thief am?” Junior asked.

“yes na!” I said, “una dey fear?”

“God forbid! How I go fear?”

“ehn! If you no dey fear, make we go na!”

“who go climb?” Junior asked.

“na me na” The Monkey himself.


If Riches are as a measure of how many trees one has climbed, then I think I should be amongst the richest men in Africa.





I will never forget the day I defiled gravity.

I was 7 and very energetic. Mango was the only fruit in abundant in the barracks, in fact even up till this moment, it still is. That is why it sounds funny whenever anyone close to me decide that out of all the fruits in this world, Mango was the fruit he/she decides to buy and eat. At some point I saw Mango as not part of fruits but just a weed that bore fruits.


Eating Mangoes first thing when I returned from school was a norm to me, not to me alone, but to every male and female my age.


So one afternoon I returned from school and as usual there was no food to eat. I, my younger brother and a friend Cosmos set for the biggest Mango tree in the Cantonment; Papa Demola’s.

That was in the era when trees are named according to the head of the house it stood in front of, and the head also made sure no one but his family members pluck from the tree.


One thing was sure then, and that thing was that “the bigger the tree, the more Ants it housed”. And when I mean Ant, I mean mighty Ants.


I being the best climber amongst the three of us climbed first to clear the coast, then Cosmos followed while my younger brother stayed on ground to pick the fruits as they fell.


“Ugo! Your trouser don tear for nyash” Cosmos said.

“I know!” I replied, “e no mean anything”. But my s'crotum dangled.


We had plucked about 10 Mangoes when all of a sudden Cosmos started shaking the branches in other for the ripe Mangoes to fall leaving the unripe ones on the tree.

“why you dey shake am na” I complained, “you no know say you go shake them the Ant comot?”


“guy make we shake am, if them the Ant comot, we go run go down” He said, “you no know say Papa Demola go soon come back?”



Soon I saw Ants climbed my legs; about ten on the right leg and uncountable on the left.

“Cosmos the Ant don scatter oh!” I yelled.


Numbering a tree branches from below, then I was in the 143rd branch, while Cosmos was in the 67th branch I think.


“Monkey sabi jump branch-Monkey sabi jump branch, na if the branch dey close oh” Goes an adage in Pidgin.



I jumped from the 86th branch to the 79th branch and I did the sign of the cross that my hands didn’t fail me to a hold.

But when I heard; “Papa Demola don dey come!! See him Motor from far” That increased the number of branches I skipped to 10.

“you sure say na him motor?” I asked s’tupidly.

“na him motor na, look na, e don dey reach our block”


At that juncture, the Ants were now biting my s’crotal sack, and grinding the pipe it carried.

“I don die oh!” I cried bitterly.


I knew not what was more dangerous; Papa Demola's 14 strokes of the cane when he caught me or the Ants having my p’enis for lunch.

“Cosmos wait for me na!” I pleaded.

In OYO state “On Your Own” was the rule. As I heard Cosmos landed on the ground, then i traveled to OYO.


“A good friend sticks closer than a brother” Both friend and brother were gone in no time, leaving me in OYO state.



I was able to crush a handful of the Ants that bit my b’lockus but the ones heading to my a’sshole was beyond my reach.


My Mother had once told us a story of a boy when she was younger that Ants entered his A’nus and he died, she had severely warned us to be careful with Ants. We heeded to her advice and Ant was the most dreaded Animal to me and my brother.



I dipped a finger into my a’sshole and two mighty Ants came out with it. For the records, this happened in the era when “s’hit and no clean nyash” reigned.




Timo postulated the “s’hit and no clean nyash” law, which stated that; when one poo and wear his short leaving his a’ss unclean, he would be regarded as a “Big boy”, that the American musician Tupac doesn’t clean his a’ss whenever he poo.

It further stated that before Tupac died in 1996, he quoted “s’hit ain’t Roses” to prove he actually hated toilet papers.

During that period when “s’hit no clean nyash” reigned, every house you visited would sure smell poo as Air freshener. At some point the girls joined.

It got to the point that for you to walk with the “Big boys” your a’ss will be perceived first, and it was done on daily bases.









I dipped another finger into my a'sshole, and not Ants but Poo came out with it.

I smelled it to confirm if it was my poo and not the Ants that pooed inside me. Since it was mine, I rubbed it off on my shirt and jumped on.


I saw that it wasn’t possible that I would be able to jump my way down the tree before Papa Demola drove in so I devised a hiding spot.

Close to the Mango tree grew so many plantain trees so I swiftly moved towards that direction.



From the Mango tree, I was soon on a Plantain tree but my problem at that juncture was that I was heavier than the Plantain leaves that housed me.

I balanced myself with my hands firmly holding two plantain trees while I dangled in between then. My position could best be likened to one of the thieves by the side of Jesus Christ during crucifixion.





The long and short is that I was accused of stealing Plantain and Mango.

As funny as it sounds, my brother and friend denied they were with me, they said they were sleeping although.





Not only was I flogged 20 strokes of the cane on my Ant infested a’ss, I was called an armed robber because stealing plantain then was a taboo; the greatest of all crimes.
















The Plantain tree was so close to our fence and for one to cut it with ease, one needed to climb the rather old fence carefully, lest he falls.

“if I climb this fence, Junior you go give me the cutlass” I said.

We had agreed that if I cut the Plantain, I will from the top throw it to Junior who will in turn throw to Snow that will finally throw it into our room. The throw show!


I carefully struck it noise free and held the plantain bunch so it wouldn't fall.

“Junior catch!” I threw the bunch of Plantain to Junior.


Vincent Enyama really needs to be coached by our Junior, and Iyker Cassillas needs to Watch Snow catch.


It was a done deal for sure, but what remained was for dear Flow to get down.

I was about jumping down when I heard a crack.

At first I thought it was my bone that cracked, but as I looked up, I saw “the world” crashing on me.


The Plantain tree landed on the fence. Part One!

Our dear fence shook me off and i fell like an Iroko tree. Part Two!



Lying face down with broken neck, the fence landed on my back. Part Three!




I thought I heard my spinal cord broke.

eROCK247:
Updates pls... or is something wrong with my fone? Boss flow, hope everything is kul with u cos u no longer update as frequently as u used to. Hopefully what's keeping u away is a source of joy.

I tried upadating yesterday, to no avail

its like Nairaland had network problem.

dbabyboy:
Oga Flow,
I salute u ooo. your story was so fascinating and superfluous or so i thought. Thank you for making me laugh
U still flow, me i still they follow

Thanks for following

In the break of 1st of February, I caught cough and cold.

“kpum kpoooooon!!” I coughed.

“oboy if you dey cough, dey close your mouth oh!” Snow warned.



“Snow oh! You don hear say them rob Godwin shop?” I said.

“no oh!”

“guy na yesterday night wey I go charge my phone nahim I see say them don thief all him property” I said, “him TV, him Gen, and even them him clipper”


We had severally advised Godwin to change all Jalopies, but he refused.

In no particular other the Jalopies includes: His 20 inches box TV that was finger sensitive; it never comes on when anyone but its owner puts it on, his "skull dividing" clippers, his Generator that was the kind they called “I pass my neighbour”. How I wished he passed his neighbor that was a barber.



Mashal’s barber’s shop had more customer than Godwin’s, but Marshal’s customers were mostly females that needed their “bushes” shaved, bushes shook I mean to say.


Marshal could shake as much as a Rain forest. He was handsome, so the ladies preferred wearing low cut just because they wanted their hair to have a ”Marshal touch”.


I remember when I cased one beauty into Marshal’s barber’s shop, little did I know that she was Marshal’s real babe. I mean real real babe.

“Flow you wan barb?” Marshal asked me after the lady gave him a peck.

“who? Me?” I asked.

“yes na! you wan barb?” Is like he was surprised an executive member of GBS paid him a courtesy visit.

“me?” I asked again.

“yes na” He answered, “abi e get another person wey dey bear Flow for here?”

"you wan barb?" He repeated

“Yes…. No…… Yes” I stammered.

“come sidon na, I don barb this man finish” He beckoned.

Mind you, the only money with me was 200 naira that wasn't mine but Junior’s.

Marshal gave me a clean cut that had it been I had more than 200 naira, I would had giving him more. And that was unlike our dear Godwin.



I don’t know if he did it intentionally or out of hatred for his friends the parliamentarian, Godwin cut our hair like it was third world war.



I will never forget…………………………..

“guy you don wound me” Snow said.

“you sterilize the clipper?” Snow asked, “you sterilize the clipper before you start to barb me?”

“yes na!” Godwin answered, “you no see me when I dey sterilize am?”

Truth be told, I never saw him sterilized the clipper before he started cutting Snow’s hair.

Snow warned him severely to always cut with care, yet he still cut like a warlord.


There was a day he cut my hair and a better part of my head was cut also.

“guy see wound-wound for my head!” I said to him. And that was in the era when I was all “skull” a.k.a Gorimapa.

“no vex, take this thing spray am!” He handed me a spray.

I almost dance salsa when I sprayed.

“choi!! Which kin spray be this na?”

“no correct one!” He answered, “them bring am from Togo”


Whenever Togo was mentioned, I thought of no other than the Togolese Ambassador to Nigeria our Junior.

“abi na Junior bring am from Togo for you?” I asked.

“no oh! Na my supplier nahim supply am to me”





Two days on and some funny things started growing on my head.

“guy e get wetin dey grow for my head oh” I said,”come help me look weda na bumps”

“na Bumps oh!” Junior alarmed, “plenty bumps dey grow for your head”

“talk true?”

"true na, e reach like twenty!"

I so much detested anything bumps not to talk of Keliod. I was’t ugly at all, but for bumps to grow on a head as big as a Senegalese Paw Paw, it meant ugliness.







“Godwin don die today!” I cursed as I hurried to his shop that night.




“Godwin I wan see you inside!” I met him outside repairing his generator.

“I dey come make I repair my gen finish” He said.

“make I wait for you?” I yelled, “you are mad! You are really mad!!”

“you have given me bumbs! You f’ool!” I thundered.

“me!! Give you Bus?”

“hahahahahahahaha!! I never get motor, na Bus I go com get!”

“you dey laugh abi? You go soon cry!”

“why I no go laugh?” He said, “which Bus I give you?”


He staggered about forty steps backwards as I hit his chest hard.

“Flow! If you push me again, I go push you back, wetin sef!!” Like he was a bit frightened, I had taken him by surprise.

“see, you see this bangle wey I wear so, them dey call am Bami joko!” I yelled, “if I use am blow you, you go sidon for ground”


Sitting on the ground, that is what Bami joko means in Yoruba language, simply put, “blow and seat on the floor". Doing what? is what i can't tell.



I remember the first time the statement “Bami joko” was said to my hearing.


On our numerous official visits to the Television house of AIT, in Traffic something happened.

“how much be your belt?” Ezit asked.

A tall “suffer headed” guy hurried to his side of the window.

“na fourteen thousand naira”

“fourteen what!!” I was shocked.

“you surprise!” Snow said to me, “you no know say na inside GRA you dey!”

GRA my foot!



Only in Port Harcourt will you see a belt cost 14,000 naira. Where you wan start to price am?

Only in Port Harcourt will you eat a plate of food for as costly as 600 naira in a local “mama put” joint. If person wan chop "extra", how much e go com be?

Only in Port Harcourt will Suya 100 naira contain only three pieces of meat without onion. What of with onion? No ask me oh!



Mehn I miss Lagos.


“make I collect am 500 naira na” Ezit priced.

“five hundred wetin?” The seller asked.

“five hundred naira na” Ezit repeated.

For something you were told cost 14,000 naira and you priced 500 naira, how cruel!



“you for tell me make I dash you na!” The seller said.

“oya dash me na!” Ezit said.

“you dey mad! Poor boy like you!” The seller cursed.

“na your Papa be poor boy” Ezit attacked.

“no be poverty kill your Papa and Mama? Ezit was insulted.

“you must be mad for insulting my parents!” Ezit alighted the car.



Eyeballing each other, they both stood awaiting who the first puncher would be.

“if I blow you with this Bami joko, you go just sidon for ground!” The seller brought a ring out of his a pocket and wore it.

How can a ring make one sit down against his will? I thought.

Before I knew it, it all happen.

Ezit was seated on the floor stammering unending.




Before I said "Bami joko", Ezit collapsed.

Mayorblaze:
Viewing this topic: Kunle106(m), kakakent, flow1759, Mayorblazeand 3 guest(s)

Na because I dey make correction oh. I mistake for some words spelling.

MannyAgyeiK:
Now to the tori. Me too experience this except it was with dog meat. The Northerners in Ghana, especially, the non-Muslim ones, like dog meat a lot. I go one Northern guy house go chop. E make I chop finish b4 he talk me say the meat be dog meat. Like I dey kill am saf. No be like say I no tell am say I dey hate dog meat, o.

Do u know I didn't understand what u wrote up there.

it sound Swahilish

Abeg no be like this we dey take speak our own pidgin for naija

MannyAgyeiK:
My fellow Ashanti girls wey Bush Shaker dey bash so. E make lucky saf say e no be Ewe lady e go get. Like she go jazz am die. They wey dey sabi jazz for the whole Ghana. Only Yoruba wey dey do juju pass them for West Africa. Anyway, Flow dey dish out better tori. Bad belle go shame. Flow, woso ma yenko.

How do i say "you be correct guy" in Ashanti?

princesssusan:
Abeg helep me ask am, cos me don dey refresh diz page tirelessly

Sorry for your countless refresh.

But one thing you should know, updating isn't easy.

It takes 4 hours to type and edit before updating.

Worry not about tomorrow, tomorrow you might inherit a million dollars or get run over by a truck - or you might inherit a million dollars and get run over by a truck.





"forget all your worries!" I sat like a Boss, "drink!!"

“make una shayo! Money dey!” We were at Goldberg drinking.

“I go pay!” I said, “maga don pay!”

Maga had indeed paid; and that maga was no other than Nairabet.

“how much wey you chop for Nairabet sef?” Snow asked.

“you wan know?”

“yes na, tell me na!”

“na 15k wey I win oh”






After drinking six bottles each, I, Junior and Snow set for home.


“food dey house?” I asked.

“food dey oh!” My soul was gladdened on hearing that.

“that Sandra soup still remain na!”


Sandra’s soup!! Oh Sandra’s soup!!

The best soup since my mother’s. But what I couldn’t understand about her soups was its longevity.
Longevity! Her soup was a definition of longevity, just add water while warming and it increases. We at some point pleaded for the soup to exhaust.





“oboy maggot don enter the soup oh” Or was I seeing the spiritual as a result of six bottles of 1759? or was it just my eyes?

“how maggot take enter inside na?” Junior asked.

“come see am na” I beckoned.

“m’umu this thing wey you dey see so no be maggot!” Junior said.

“if this thing no be margot, wetin e be?”

“ehnnn! Na……….. Ehn! Na………” I hated the part of Junior that argued at everything, especially when he was drunk.


"Na Cat fish wey them peel the skin comot"

"you say na wetin?" I needed to confirm my ears wasn't hearing the spiritual.

"i say na Cat fish wey them peel the skin comot!" He repeated.



That made me took a flashback to November 11; Junior's birthday.

That birthday, i will never forget.



He invited mostly his Togolese friends to the birthday party that held in our house.

You will hear names like Gehd, Rehb, Fatm, Rhim, Tbid, and wondered if there were short of vowels in Togo.


My wonders never ended, I also wondered why Togolese wear so dark a skin, was the sun close to their roofs?

Gehd was so dark that I mistook him for my shadow.

Rehb was so fat that I thought him to be the reincarnated body of the American rapper The Notorious Big.

Fatm could drink a tank of Vodka all alone. He was so alcohol stingy that he couldn’t share the last bottle of 1759 with me the brand ambassador.

Rhim was as skinny as my shoe lace.

Tbid was handsome, I must say. If I was to be g'ay tomorrow, I would definitely look for him.


Junior reminded us his Nigerian friends that Togo was far better than Nigeria while his Togolese brother laughed like park of f’ools.

If there was another Togo, then I would had agreed with Junior.



“abeg make we forget that thing, make my friend go bring meat come make we chop!” Junior said.

He whispered what sounded to my ears as “Je ma pel meoati” whatever that meant, and one of his friend stood up to bring out the content of his bag.


A newspaper contained what looked like a birthday cake to me.

“you buy cake?” I asked.

“no be cake! Na meat” Junior said, “make we use am digest the drink na!”

What perfect colabo! Meat and 1759 goes so well together, I could attest.




As Fatm opened the newspaper to unveil the mouth watering hug pieces of meat, I rushed to grab one big chunk after Junior had grabbed like six at a time.

Snow followed, and we munched with all smiles, without thinking. Alcohol did the thinking for us.



“this meat sweet oh!” I was chewing my 11th piece, “na Suya?”

“Suya?” Junior answered, “no be Suya oh!”

“na Goat meat?” Snow asked.

“no be Goat meat oh!” Junior answered.

“na which meat na?”



“na Cat meat!” He announced.

“Cat fish nahim com be like meat!” I wondered.

“which kin Cat fish wey dey like this?” Like Snow was on the same page with me.



“I no say Cat fish oh” Junior said, “na Cat Meat I talk oh”






That night the room was flooded. Flooded with ……………………………….. you know what.

Chimaritoponcho:
flow u Neva tell us how dat bet wey u go for kalabari wey u carry gym remain two take end o

When we reach there you go know.

Don't worry, you will know

princesa:
Mr. flow1759
will you please contact me? or reply my mail and stop dragging me back!

Check your mail

princesa:
Mr. flow1759
will you please contact me? or reply my mail and stop dragging me back!

I have done that na.

eROCK247:
The ever time-conscious Flow, morn sir! Hope ur nyt wz blissful and eventful. Ur fans/followers don dey 'H' o! How Brkfast go b?

There you go. Served hot

“they are not paying any rent!!” The Angel of God said again.

“for they are children of the most high God” I added in my mind.


“you b’astard Landlord, you will collect house rent from tenants and take the money to your shrine to tie their destinies” Padiman said.


Immediately Padiman said that, my mind flashed back to the day the Landlord collected 200 naira from me promising to pay back.

“Flow give me 200 naira, make I take buy Soap, I wan baf!” And I innocently gave him.

After giving him, I heard the bell of his shrine rang.

“so this man carry my money go shrine?”

Since evil works for only those that perpetrated it, I concluded he couldn’t harm me, and because I was prayerful. Or so I thought.







“you evil man!! you will just go about taking people’s destiny in the name of rent!” Padiman attacked.

If that was true, that meant, I, Snow and every other tenants would remain destiny impoverished.

“give me back my destiny oh!” I almost cried out.












“Padiman we need Garri for our house oh” I said one hot afternoon, “how e go be na?”



The Garri Padiman sold could be likened to rubber band; it was so so elastic. Pour a handful of it in hot water and it multiples. Not that alone, it also multiples when eating, and in the stomach too. Little wonder in Rumuigbo market, he had the highest number of customers patronizing him, especially the members of Garri Drinkers Association (GDA) which I, Snow an Junior were members; executives. Rumor had it that “juju” boosted his sales, but I doubted.




“the soup wey Sandra dey cook don don?” I asked Snow as we sat at GBS on the 22nd day of January.

"no oh, e never don"

“Padiman bring Garri come house?” I asked.

“yes, him bring one paint”

“make Sandra cook the soup quick oh” I said, “I dey hungry bad bad”


“wait oh! Na woman dey cook una food for una?” Bush shaker asked.

“yes na, e bad?” Snow said.

“oboy e bad oh”

“how woman go dey cook for una na?” He said, “you no know say she fit put Koblomi for una make una chop?”.




Koblomi is the name love spell is called in pidgin.


“how she go put Koblomi for food wey no be only her boyfriend dey chop?” I said.

“you be m’umu, you no know say some girls dey do Koblomi for many guys” Bush shaker said, “one go dey wash her p’ant, another one go dey go market for her, another one go dey lick her Labia very night”


As he said that, I imagined who would handle which of the positions he mentioned between I, Snow and Junior.

I can never wash no one’s p’ant, that I am sure. I can also never lick no Labia except her Labia was high in Vitamin C and Cholesterol free.

Sandra’s Labia contained high Cholesterol I can testify to that. I testify not because I have licked it before, I testify because I could remember what happened the night she forced Snow to lick it.






“I no fit! I can’t lick you!” Snow pleaded, “it is not hygienic”

“so you don’t love me enough to lick me dry?” Sandra said.

“I Love you but if I lick you I will throw up” Snow said, “I will go sick, don’t you understand?”

“ehen! Throw up! I will clean” Sandra said, “just lick me dry, suck me!”

All they were saying they whispered but my "receptive antenna" ears heard it all.



I opened my eyes.

Albeit the room was dark i saw Brother Snow reluctantly about doing as Sister Sandra wished.


I saw that Brother Snow brought his mouth close to the Labia and “nyama!!!” he licked.

His head was lost as he licked it like a ripe Mango.

Few seconds of licking and I saw Snow rushed out to throw up outside.

And that was in the era when Soldiers ruled outside at night; I mean soldier Ants.

Caring Sandra also rushed out to see if her dear boyfriend had threw up his entire nervous system.

These two really murdered my sleep that night, so I was willing to see the end of the Movie titled Labia.

They came into the room kissing and my ever loyal d’ick responded to the stimuli.







“yeaaaahahahahah! Yeaaaah!”

“yeah!! Yaeaeahheaaa!!”

I thought it was Judgment day as I heard trumpet sounding in the room and so many yelled that made me jumped up.

“wetin happen?” I saw Sandra rolling on the floor.

I thought she was possessed, but as I saw her placed her hand in between her legs in the Labia municipal, I knew what was actually possessed; her Labia.


“my b’lockus oh!!” Snow yelled, “I don die oh!! Ant!!”

"this kin Ant wey enter una two action point wicked oh" I said to myself.


At the left of the room was Snow yelling that Ants were almost eating up his erected p’enis and at the right was Sandra yelling that her Labia had been invaded by Ants, and the room was dark, what was I to do?



“where is the Ant na?” My hands were moving in all the corners of Sandra’s body finally finding the famous Labia.

Like her Labia was magnetic to my fingers, two of my fingers had sank into it in no time.

“no! no there!!” She cried, “its here!!”

“where?”

“here!” she pointed at the Labia that brought out p’oo; the back Labia.


At that juncture I had seen it “all”, both front and back Labia, and even Orange Labia.


“Ant Thank you oh” I said in my mind, “this thing wey Sandra don dey hide from me since, see as I dey press-press am”


“where is it biting you?” Everything was happening in quick successions.

“check here!” She still pointed at her “s’hit hole”.

“here!” I was pressing nyash live.

“no, not there, inside!”

“inside where?” I asked.

“so make I put my finger inside your nyash because I den pursue Ant abi?”



















“no jaz wey woman go jaz me wey go make me dey help her go market!” I boasted.

“guy no talk like that oh” Bush shaker said, “na who no go no know oh!”

Bush shaker spoke of what happened to him in the hands of a fetish Ashanti Lady when he was schooling at the University of Ghana.




“guy no be small thing oh!” He said, “Sotey na me dey wash her p’ant and her younger sister p’ant sef”

“na me dey cook, na me dey wash toilet, na me dey wash her motor wey she no dey gree me drive!” He said.

“when night reach, if I tell her say I don tire, she no go gree oh, she go say I must perform!”

“you see this mark wey dey for my shoulder?” He showed us a healed scar in his shoulder, “na the day wey I cook Beans and e no don nahim she use hot spoon burn me here!”

I really pitied him.

“na one day wey I see say all the suffer-suffer don tire me nahim I pack my load live Ghana enter Naija”

“hahahahahahahahaha!!” We laughed.

“so Ashanti girl wan kill Ikwere boy like you?” Snow said.

“leave that thing oh, na because of that girl nahim make me leave school and I no go back” He said, “and all the school fees wey I don pay just burn like that”.

“and all the Pounds Naira wey you spend for the girl just burn like that!” Godwin punch lined.

“hahahahahahahahahahaha!!” We all laughed.



“abi no be Pounds Naira be Ghana money?”

MannyAgyeiK:
Na wa o. Who be the idiot wey prove boss to your landlord? If that person no be Bill Gates or Dangote, then, he fool pass. E no know na babalawo e dey mess with. Haba. Anyway, I dey wait make you continue to yan the tori dey go. Repping Ghana. Flow, yenko nkoaa.

When we reach there you go know

princesssusan:
This is why rove you
So hillarious @ bad omen, i can‘t jez stop laffn.
But wait o, hope say no be sandra wey talk dt last statement. Abeg me i wan know o

You fast oh, now-now now-now you don read finish.

For the question, well, what i will say is "when we reach there you go know"

MannyAgyeiK:
Oga Flow. I start dey follow long tee and I got attracted to Literature section of Nairaland. Now see oo. After holding off 2 years, I have finally joined Nairaland. After finishing your 3 prior stories 8 months ago, I thought you were done. So imagine my glee when I saw this story on FP. Like I dey collapse saf. I read with speed of Dom Toretto in Fast and Furious. Wey I come meet you guys. I dey await your next. Flow ogboro. Flow okatakyie. Flow kabiyesi. Carry on, my brotha.

Thanks for reading my stories. I promise to always put a smile on your face. I promise.

Flow ogboro. Flow okatakyie. Wetin them mean?

princesssusan:
Oga mi weldon o
E remain dinner, abi tym neva rish?

There you go. Dinner!