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texanomaly:
She don dey sabi well well.

I miss you baby

24th of December and there was not a job for Flow yet.




Since I repented of my sins and turned a new leaf, my friends saw me strange.

“Flow why you just dey always do your face like s’hit?” Snow said.

“how I take dey do my face like s’hit?”

“you no dey smile again na?”


“forget that one” He said, “e get one place wey we go go next tomorrow wey be boxing day oh!”

“were be that?” I asked.

“na Kalabari”

“Calabar! Wetin we dey go Calabar go do?” I thought I was going to hear him say we were spending our Christmas in Obudu Cattle ranch.

“no be Calabar I talk, I say Kalabari”

“where be Kalabari na!” I was thinking the place was maybe in the North.

“na for one of my friend village, him say make I come perform as MC for one of their show!”

“where the village dey na?”

Had he mentioned anywhere North, for fear of Boko Haram I would had declined going instantly.

“na for Rivers state here na” He replied.

“shey him go pay you to do the MC?” I asked.

"yes na!"

“ok, no wahala, we go go” I saw it adventurous.















Christmas came with its usual glow, and aroma of rice and stew everywhere.



As I opened the door, the first face I saw that morning was that of Landlord.

“Oga Landlord merry Christmas oh!”

“ehen Flow, merry Christmas!!” He replied, “them my pekin never give una Christmas Rice?”

“Christmas wetin........?” I asked.



Why I asked was because Christmas Rice from Landlord meant only one thing, sacrifice Rice.


The people that came to his shrine for spiritual cleansing always offered him a token to thank him, some of which offered items like rice, groundnut oil, tin tomatoes e.t.c. All these items were left in his shrine till they were exhausted.

Often times you hear; “Bobo! Go bring three cup of rice from shrine”.

“Miracle go bring tin tomatoes for shrine” And such and such.

I am not against storing food items in the shrine, what I kicked against was the fact that nothing from the Landlord touches my mouth. The closest was when Miracle his daughter offered me biscuit and I refused, yet she forced it on me. I gave her a dirty slap for ever forcing the "biscuit of the gods” on me.











“Christmas Rice na” He said.

“Oga Landlord!!! Abi na we go give you Christmas rice? Rice plenty for our house oh”

Before I finished saying that, his daughter came with a plate of Rice.

“brother Flow, see rice oh, na for una!” She entered our room.

“brother after I go come take the plate oh” She said as she left.

“come take am now oh!” I almost said, “food wey I go soon troway”.







“oga landlord give us food oh” I informed Snow who just came from the gym.

Lately Snow had been hitting the gym on regular bases, and his biceps had immensely increased.


“why him give us na?”

“why him no go give us, today no be Christmas?” I queried.

“I no dey chop that food oh” Snow declared.

“me too oh”





Few minutes of Landlord's food aroma making I and Snow salivate, then came Junior. Junior the glutton.



“wetin dey happen ?” He said.

“merry Christmas Junior” That was the greatest mistake I made on Christmas day; telling a Witness “merry Christmas”, I had sinned.

“what do you people that call yourselves Christians celebrate Christmas for?” Argument don start be that.

“the birth of Christ, the reason for us being Christians” Snow took that right off my mouth.

“how sure are you that Christ was born on 25th of December?” He added.

“because so the Bible told us” See Snow that read the Bible once every year saying what the Holy book said.

“is there anywhere in the Bible where Jesus said we should celebrate his birthday?” To some extent, that was true.

“he must not say it, we mark the birthday of the saviour of the world in remembrance of what he did for humanity”






“oboy stop to dey argue, see food chop” I was sure hunger caused Junior's blasphemy; hunger has always caused it.

“who cook am?” He balanced.

Before I knew it, three spoons had gone into his mouth and swallowed.

“make una collect spoon join me na?” He offered.

“we? We don chop oh, we don belleful, in fact we dey find where we go vomit the one wey we chop” I said frankly, “you no see as our belle big”.




“ok oh!!” As he munched the first piece of meat, I swallowed 50 litres of saliva. I was really hungry.

“who cook the food?”

“na na na na Sandra” I lied.

“she cook am yesterday night”

“were she dey na?” He asked.

“she don go her Mama house?” Snow answered.

“why una no call me make I come chop with una yesterday night na?”


“you wey go your babe house go sleep, so you expect us to call you make you come follow us chop?”

“yes na!”

“nahim make we remain your own for you na?” Snow added, “Because we know say you go come this morning”

“omoh, the food plenty oh, I no go fit finish am oh” He was half way.

“finish am oh!! We no wan remain any food oh” Snow and I said at the same time.

“because Sandra dey come cook another one today” I added.


I Saw Junior’s eyes increased in size as he munched the third and last piece of meat.

“make this one no change to cat oh” I prayed.






“I bring drink oh!!” Junior said after eating.

“ehen!! Where am?” I, that had repented.

“e dey for my bag”

“two red label”




Snow and I started drinking while we waited for Junior to turn to cat.



The red label cleared the gangway for too many.

Ezeebube2:
Who has seen Texanomaly lately? She needs to be here as she's Flow's biggest fan. I be Flow's Ac
#Stillifollow.

True talk!! i really miss texanomaly. By now she for don dey tell me make i interpret all the slangs for this story, say she no dey understand them.

Psalm 23





The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.








“The Lord is my Shepherd” Often times, I see myself as either a sheep astray or an outright goat. I refused to be guarded by the one true shepherd, the Lord Supreme.




“I shall not want” Well, wanting had always been my second name. If it wasn’t Garri, then it was Beans, even the least 10 naira for groundnut for my Garri, I most times lacked.


“He makes me to lie down in green pastures” Mine wasn’t green, it was red. I most times lied down in red pastures, all thanks to Sandra and her boyfriend Snow that occupied the bed.


“He leads me beside the still waters” The water we drank most times was still and dirty, and other times reeked. Yet we drank saying; “dirty no dey kill black man” forgetting our dear friend Cholera.





“He restores my soul” That was if I allowed Him. I will rather allow alcohol to do that.



“He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake” But I rather walked in the paths of my unfaithful friends like Otukpa.



“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil” Severally I walked in so many valleys.

Valleys like when I was by inches almost ran over my a “911” in the expressway when I was still working as a delivery man at Wilo.


Valleys like when Faith told me she was pregnant for me.



Since she was still “flowered”, so there was no course for alarm, so I did it raw without a c’ondom. For record sakes we both “d’eflowered” each other, and it was really historic.






In SS3, writing letters was the in thing, albeit we wrote to each other to develop our writing skills. I was so unimportant to my classmates that no one wrote even half a letter to me, but as it were I wrote a handful to others. The numerous “letters” I received were to buttress the fact that my head was big which I already knew. So I most times received cartoon animation drew in a sheet of paper, while my seat partner received countless love letters from his crush.


A sheet of paper was passed to me one afternoon while we had mathematics. I concluded the sheet of paper was either from David who drew cartoon animations indicating how big my head was, or from Ayo who did the same but perfectly.

But as I turned the reverse of the well folded sheet of paper, I saw “To High tension”.

There was no other know as High tension other than yours truly, so I opened it.


It read:


“I am not feeling too well, I hope I am not pregnant?” Short but the message pierced like an arrow into my heart.

I would had concluded David or Ayo wrote it, but the handwriting said otherwise. No other could write that way but Faith, at least that I was sure of because haven borrowed her Notebook severally, her hand writing had registered.


I turned to see if someone was spying at the letter from behind, no one but me, except there was another "me" seated right behind me. Surely no one opened the letter during delivery, as it was the rule never to read someone’s letter or view someone’s cartoon drawing.




I read the content of the letter about fifteen times wishing it was but a dream.

“why my own dey like this!”

“my first time, and she com get belle for me”

“my parents will kill me”

“but I am too young to marry”



I said a rather long prayer with my eyes open even though I knew there wasn’t a connect with God.


When my face and that of my wife to be met, she nodded indicating the letter was from her.


I saw myself in a very deep valley with darkness hovering.




As tears gathered in my eyes, my seating partner who all this while was busy solving the mathematics sum we were given turned to me.

“High T, why you dey cry” He said, “na the maths wey them give us make we solve nahim dey make you cry?”


If only he knew?

If only he knew why a man cried?


If at SS3 I was a man already, then I should be man enough to handle that sad news. Or so i thought.



“no be maths dey make me cry”







“you!! Stand up!” The mathematics teacher thundered all of a sudden.

“who me?”

“yes you!”

I stood up pocketing the letter.


“why are you not working?”


As I hurriedly wiped out the tears in my eyes, he saw me did that and asked; “why are you crying?”

“I….. I…… I am not crying sir!” I stammered, “I have eye problem”

“you bloody lair!!” He attacked, “is now that you have been given class work that you suddenly developed eye problem!” And the whole class laughed.


“come out here Mr. eye problem!!”.

“Mr. High tension!!” The whole class corrected him.


“is that his name? High tension?” The Teacher asked. And that was in the era when classroom population was above 120. And for the likes of us that sat at the back seats, we were inconsequential.



“Mr. High tension eye problem!!” That was indeed a nice name, (HTEP).

“can you tell us the square root of 25?” that was what the mathematics teacher asked, but in my mind the question played as “can you tell us the first number in 25?”.

“25?” What Nursery question.

“yes! Tell us”

“the answer is………………………”

“is what?” The teacher thundered.

“is…… is……. Is two” The whole class laughed. That singular act added “two boy!” to the numerous nicknames I had.







After school that day, Faith apologized for the embarrassment the letter she wrote to me caused. She told me she wasn’t pregnant, that she was only pulling my legs.

I was so so relieved yet I doubted.


That was in the era when as funny as it sounds I thought the belly of a pregnant woman starts bulging two days after having sex.

For two days, I missed school telling my mum I was ill all because I needed to observe if Faith's stomach will grow.












“You can only make God your shepherd when you give your life to Christ, so this is a call…………………………”

“is there anyone here that wants to say no to sin, and yes to Christ?”

I have heard so many sermons all my life, but that particular sermon was different; it really went straight to my bone and broke me down.

“is there anyone that wants to make the Lord his true Shepherd? Is there anyone that wants to give his life to Christ and become born again?” The preacher ended the torching sermon with a great call.


Bush shaker tapped me as he saw that I was really torched and was about standing up to obey the alter call.




“enemy of progress” I cursed within.

I want to say a big thank you to all my readers. All of you.

I thank una wellu wellu. That i made front page, you all made it happen.

But together we can still make something else happen.

And that something is best writer of the month https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/63#1804027.2040

Vote!!

And pls vote rightly.

This way:

Best new comer: The moniker of your choice.
Best Writer: flow1759


Voting ends on Monday 27th

shhhhhhhhhh!!! No noise!!! Everybody Ishilove is reading.

Bunsky:
Front page finally

Yes oh.

Na una wey dey read am i go thank oh

jditimiya:
Ishilove and flow will be good husband and wife, if u observe there fight is all because of the love they have for themselves. guys it will be fun when I will be invited to come and drink 1789 in ur wedding.


Ishilove
weds
Flow


on the 28 of may 2015

Nairaland....

Mehn the marriage go make brain die.

StormAngel:
Woww flow u made it to front page finally

congrats

I say a big thank you to you guys.

You made it happen.

“oboy we go follow go AIT tomorrow oh” Snow said four days to Christmas.

“we want to go ask them weda them go fit show our film for their station” He added.















We were set to go to AIT the next morning. Flow on the right was dressed like Santa Claus with a burgundy red long sleeve shirt and a red tie to match, while his brother Snow was dressed like Barney with an over-sized trouser.




“I no like this shirt wey I wear so?” I complained.

“guy manage am like that” Snow pleaded, “you know say all our cloth no dey ironed”

“but how will I follow you people dressed this way” I said, “is it not better that I wear a shirt that is not ironed?”







Talking of wearing an unironed shirt reminded me of my friend in school Stephen.


Stephen was nicknamed “goat s’hit head” not only because his hair was always as rough as Goat s’hit, but because his school uniform was always rumpled.

“why you no dey like to iron your cloth?” I always asked him.

“we no dey get light” Was is regular response.



I wasn’t surprised at all. For someone to stay in a place like Orile meant just one thing; NEPA forgot them.

“but what of your hair, why e dey always rough?” I often asked.

“na like this I like am, it is called KoKo curl” Was his regular response.


If Dbanj had known, he would have asked Stephen to show him how he could grow Koko curl. Well, It isn’t late, as the last time I saw Stephen in Orile bus stop, his Koko curl was as rough as ever, even rougher.






I will never forget the morning he was brought out in assemble ground and the whole school mocked him for his always shabby look. He cried like a baby that morning.










Soon, I ,Snow, Ezit, and Madam IJ were on our way to AIT, this time the legendary “fartima” did not fart. Or maybe she farted but i did not hear. Never! her fart brought great Nose destroying, liver disfiguring smell.




“When we reach there, make you behave yourself oh, no go dey jonz yourself oh!” Snow warned.

“me and you who go jonz ourself!” I fired.





As Dbanj’s “fall in love” s’lammed from the sound system of the A/C taxi we were in, my mind rewind to all the times I had fallen in love, or all the times I had claimed to have fallen in love.






In no particular order. Juliet, she almost killed me with sex.


Kehinde, she was young and fresh, sweet 16, I was the first to "cross her bridge".


Kel, God help her wherever she is now, she killed me twice, and I resurrected twice. Devil must be her elder brother.

Chioma, she was a vampire. Vampire for money.

Dami, she almost killed me with the oily soup she cooked.

Bukky, I almost slept in the police cell for her sake.

Toyin, I was almost beheaded by ritualist for her sake.


Ifeoma, she was the best, she claimed she loved me, I knew she did, but she loved my bank account more.

Nneoma, She almost used my "chairman" for to garnish doughnut.



What of Faith?

She thought me what was sex.

That was the regime when men were still boys. And when "pipe" was still "pen". If you know what I mean?



The first day I was supposed to have "it" was in my father’s house. Of course like most of you know, in my father’s house there are not many mansions, just one.


In my father’s house, and in my room, sat I and Faith on the second day of July a decade ago.





Like my 10 years old cousin Chima A.k.a Baba knew what I was up to, that was the day he watched TV like he had never watched since he was born.



“Baba! You go go help me buy Kunu 50 naira” I handed 50 naira to him.

“Kunu no dey!!” he replied.

“how you take know?”

“I know na, I don go there go buy before, them no get” He said.

“what of biscuit?” I asked, “buy me biscuit na!”

“the people wey dey sell biscuit no dey” He said, “them don travel”




Few minutes later.

“Baba go parlour go watch TV na!” I noticed he had seen the eruption in between my legs.

“brother, you know the TV in the parlour is not working, they have not repaired it” and that was true.

“and brother this cartoon is so sweet!” He added.

“allow him watch TV na!!” Faith said, “in fact I want to start going home, my mum will be looking for me by now”



As Faith left, I felt like strangling Baba. Or roasting him.


Weeks later, there was a rematch.


An away match.


I lost the away match 2-0 courtesy of an hamstring i suffered.

And i lost all 3 points.




For the next six months, i couldn't play match due to the injury i sustained.

ultraawesome:
Una matter don tire person.You are here to entertain us.The flow I knew in those days would just laugh it off and move on.flooooooow....your fans need u back. make this story better than 'man wey dey reason' .we promise to always remain loyal.I doubt anybody will be banning you on purpose
signed:ultra

Longevity of fun is what will differentiate this story from Man wey dey reason, i assure you.

Neddyned:
As ur intro b eh I tink say d story 4 make sense die bt anyway put more effort! Flow baba!

You never read am you don conclude.

Never judge a book by it's cover.

Read and tell

Searching for treasure in the treasure base of the nation, I have only found skulls and cross bones.



“What! You mean am? Agatha say make we come her house!” I was stunned at such breaking news.

“yes na, her pekin dedication na tomorrow” Snow said.

“go baf make we dey go na!” He added, “na this night she say make we begin dey come, e be like say we go sleep there”





Rumuokoro glowed as usual, with people displaying their wares on the floor, reminded me of Kotangora market in Lagos, just that Kotangora unlike Rumuokoro your pocket can be picked as easy as ABC.


“two-two thousand!! two-two thousand!!” Two thousand naira for an Andriod phone? Imagine? China we hail thee!!

“oboy came collect phone na!” The seller was referring to me.

“me? I no dey use this kin phone oh” Was my response.

“you dey mad oh, you no dey use this kin phone, see you, your levels no reach am na” He cursed, “see your shoe, world trekker!!”.



He lied, I was not world trekker, I was assistant world trekker while Snow was at the helm of affairs when it came to trekking.


I will never forget him suggesting that we trekked from Rumuigbo to Garison within 45 minutes.

We did trek the distance. But our shoes went "chamfer".


Since I came to Port Harcourt, I have bought about three shoes. The shoes albeit cheap, all lost their soles to trekking.




The trek from Rumuigbo to Garison could best be described as star trek, because I saw stars all around my head on reaching finish line.






“where Angela go com waka go sef?” We arrived.

“and her number no dey go!”




“eya! Make una sorry, we go buy groundnut oil wey we go use cook the food for the child dedication” She alighted her husband’s X-terra Nissan.

“good evening sir!!” I and Snow chorused as her husband alighted.

Yes! You read rightly, sir! Agatha’s husband was elderly.

Very very elderly, well, of my father’s age.

Rumor had it that, Agatha agreed to marry him after his late wife pleaded on her dying bed for him to marry her, that she was a good girl.





Good girl indeed!!

Good girl that fed the community while her brother and cousin lacked the least cup of Garri to drink.

Good girl that always gave 2500 naira to two grown men as feeding money for a month, yet her husband worked where he was paid 800,000 naira monthly, while she owned a big hair dressing shop.

Good girl that calls her brothers on phone only on October 1st Independent day, and of course, during her child dedication to cook.



Yes to cook.


“una know say all the women for this compound, many of them don travel, na only their husbands dey, na una and one of my church member go cook the food oh” That sounded like a punch line from Bovi the comedian.

“but them my two workers go join una if them close for work” She added.





“Flow, na you go cut the meat” Like he saw “butcher of the year” written on my forehead.

“no wahala! But that change for the meat wey you buy, use am go buy The Rock for us” I administered.


“like how many The Rock we go use clear our eye start this work?” He asked a very important question.

“make we use six-six start!” I said.

“ok six?”

“no oh, I mean twelve, six for me, six for you”


“twelve what?”



If you live in Port Harcourt and you don’t know “The Rock drink”, then chances are that you are a pastor.


Lagos is to Alomo bitters as The Rock is to Port Harcourt, I can say that.



As I gulped down the 4th sachet of The Rock, my eyes grew wider. I saw everything as triple with both eyes open, and everything shrunk with only my left eye open.


So I opened just my left eye as I butchered in other to avoid cutting of a finger.







“ehen!! As una don come, make una go change come join us!” Came Agatha’s workers.


One was ugly, and the other was uglier.

But on looking closely at the dark one with my “infamous” left eye, she was beautiful.






“you fast oh, now-now you don cut all this plenty meat finish” The woman that looked like a w’itch said, little did she know I was motivated by brother Rock.







“why this woman eye be like this? Her eye red” I said to Snow as i sat drinking my seventh sachet of brother Rock.

“you dey see well so? her eye no read, e green” Like I and my brother Snow was going colour blind.

“ok, na now I see am well, some side na red, some side na green” whereas it had suddenly turned purple.


“you sure say this woman no go poison this food?” I asked Snow.

“no na why would she? she can’t do such a thing na!” With time I had noticed Snow spoke better when drunk, and after having s’ex too.


I remember him telling Sandra she was “the most delectable drop dead gorgeous lady in the earth’s space and indeed the universe intoto”.




Here comes the Queens!


The ugly queens c'atwalked in, and i noticed the fair one was now beautiful, but looking upside down, or was it that I was seeing “things”?

I was indeed seeing things upside down including my own head, all thanks to the eleven sachets of The Rock I had drank.



“you! Come help me put this fire wood well!” The commander in chief of w’itches ordered.

"me? abi my brother?" I wished it was him.

"you na!"




As I walked to the fire place to adjust the firewood, I saw what made my mouth ajar.

The fair ugly queen had her legs wide open, and she wore skirt.


I was looking at her “gate of hell” while walking to the fire place, and I lost focus, and………………………..




Tragedy happened.




Tragedy and Comedy.

Dinner will be Garri

crissuarez:
oga flow,keep up the good work and keep flowing... I read ur man wey dey reason and Ibo wey like Yoruba as a guest some months ago...apparently I joined nairaland just to tell u thanks for putting smiles on my face... keep flowing

God bless you.


Show your love for me by voting me as the writer of the month here https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/63#1804027.2017

Thank you.

PS: Don't forget to vote rightly.

On the Eleventh day of Christmas Flow said to Snow..........................


“Mehn I dey enter street go find work” I announced.

“no whala”

“why you talk say no wahala na?”

“nothing oh, I just talk no wahala na! abi wahala dey?” Snow said.


“guy mehn! i no know how you see am oh, but I need to get a good job, man pekin dey suffer her na?”








I thought drinking Garri was suffering until I arrived Port Harcourt. I drank Garri only when I needed to be chubbier back then in Lagos.

Legend has it that a cup of Garri a day for 4 weeks could make one as chubby as a loaf of Bread dipped into water. It has indeed worked for me I must say, it made me so chubby that i needed to expand my door during my Final year in school.

In my days of being an undergraduate, I always drank four cups a day at minimum. Soon I saw no suffer in drinking Garri as far as it was drank with worst of groundnut.



But Port Harcourt and my brother Snow had overtime thought me to drink Garri without groundnut and saw it as living large.



A wise man once told me that it is only one that has not seen real suffering that will call drinking Garri three times a day suffering.


If thus goes the nursery prayer; "some have food but cannot eat, some can eat but have not food, we have food and we can eat, Glory be to thee o Lord,.......... Amen", then Glory will always be to God for providing Garri and that we can gladly eat it, even without groundnut and sugar.


Since arriving Port Harcourt city, I have drank about 755 cups of Garri, with whooping 422 without Groundnut and Sugar. God save my Soul!


Like Snow always said whenever he drank Garri without sugar: “Sugar dey cause Low s’perm count”

“and groundnut dey cause high blood pressure” I most times added.


Poor boys that cant afford three square Garri meal with groundnut and sugar!! Poor boys!!








I promised to search tirelessly to get a job, a good job.

Otherwise, I will surely steal, I promised I will rob a bank.

“make we go thief for bank na?” Snow suggested.

“you say wetin?”.

“I say make we go rob na?” He repeated, “abi you dey fear?”

“me? Fear?”

“why I go fear?”

I thought of it for a while, and something worse came to my mind.

“make we kidnap Agatha na” I suggested.


Agatha was the direct elder sister to Snow, but she was as wicked as devil’s assistance.

I had given my CV severally to her husband in case a vacancy surfaces in NNPC where he works or any other place for that matter, yet Agatha had severally chewed my CV like chewing gum.

“what was her problem?” I often asked.

On several occasions she had altered that her reasons for not helping others that needed help was because she “has really suffered”.





Who hasn’t?

Is it me that have never used my “kpali” since I graduated.

My kpali has never ever been seen by an employer since I acquired it. The closest it came to an employer seeing it was when I was told “you are such a brilliant young man, we will get back to you to verify your credentials and employment”



The next closest was “you lack the experience for this job, we need at least 10 years experience”

“where do I get the experience?” I often asked myself, “is it from working in a place like Wilo where I was paid peanut and my experience was in the street as a delivery man?”


Sometimes i thought the paper used in printing my Kpali was cursed. Don't you think so?








The next morning, I and Snow was dressed corporately and we hit the street in search of an invincible job.








Rumuola known for its hustle and bustle and can be likened to Oshodi in Lagos.


But on a second thought, Port Harcourt is like Paradise when compared to the Hell called Lagos. It is in Port Harcourt that a commuter bus will park well for passengers to get down when they shout “dropping dey oh!”, try that in Lagos, shout “owa!” hundred times, the best the driver could offer is to keep moving for you to "jump down". And if you don’t jump down, the driver, the conductor and a greater percentage of the passengers will rain abuses on you.

Abuses like; “you dey craze oh, you wan waste our time”

“m'umu!! lazy boy! You no fit jump down”

“jump down jor! See him big head!!” even if your head was like an egg.

“see man wey dey do like woman!”

And if you are lucky, it might be mild; “e no go better for you!”









Destination Trans Amadi.



“Good afternoon a'boki” I greeted one skinny man.

“gof afternoon, make I help you?”

“yes you may help us!” Snow answered.

“we are looking for a job?”

“wetin I be ajof?” He asked.


“no oh, no be ajof, na a job” I corrected him, “we dey look for work”

“ok! Work” He smiled, “una wan work”


“yes, una get work for here?” Snow asked.

“work I ………………………….” He thought for a while.

“work I no dey” He announced, “but I fit drop my CP, I go help me submit am”

“CP?” Snow asked, but I knew what he meant, CV.

“see my CV here” I handed it over to him.

He collected the CV from me in a rather unpalatable way, like it was tissue paper and he longed to poo, so I brought to his notice; “na the CV nahim I give you so oh”.

“I know” He replied.

Just as I and Snow was about stepping out of the compound, a woman with “Guguru ati ekpa” came in with her ware.

“so them dey sell Guru ati ekpa for Port Harcourt?” I asked myself.




My mind played back the days of Guru ati ekpa in Primay school, how someone stole the Guru and ekpa in my bag while I was in primary five. I saw the person while he stole it from my bag, yet I allowed him.




“Ugo! See Oyei dey collect something from your bag!” Bayo said to me.

“no be my bag” I replied.

“na your bag na! see am!” He showed me.

“I say no be my bag!!” I yelled, all because Oyei was the World heavy weight champion.







“oboy see!!” I came back to reality, “see! na your CV that Guguru Woman use dey sell Guguru for that A’boki”




Graduate's tears.

Na voting sure pass oh https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/63#1804027.2017


Sai Flow!!

princesssusan:
Congrats mr flow

Congrats for what?

raymonwhizie:
Flow,can u pls send the link of MAN WEY DEY REASON,i rily wanna read dat story

See am here https://www.nairaland.com/1217099/man-wey-dey-reason

I have noticed that this days Literature topics don't make "trending" unlike the days of "man wey dey reason"

No disrespect to any moderator, not even the one that has "ish" as the first three letters of her moniker.

I need a moderator to pls explain to me why.

stuff46:
And see her story of 2011 is on front page today! Why can't this make front page?


Each day passing, am getting tied of this sh¡T hole called Nairaland.



You've got a mail

I have replied

Dedicated to those that lost their love ones in South Africa.




Say no to Xenophobia South Africa.


We are Africans!!

“oboy, Christmas don dey reach oh, how person wan take flex?” George said one evening while we sat at Godwin’s barber’s shop.

“mehn!! me I go enter South Africa go flex for there oh!” Bush shaker said.





Bush shaker was the kind that had traveled all around the world on vacation, He had been to Togo, Chile, Brazil, Liberia, Canada, Mexico, Niger republic, France, just name it, and yet he lived in penury, poverty was his namesake.


I was told his father took his stars and fried it with crayfish in his shrine little wonder whatever he tried doing, he failed. He failed in Music, he failed in Football, he failed in farming, he failed woefully in dancing, as a matter of fact, he had failed in all facets of whatever he ventured into.


Even in Education, he had failed woefully. I will never forget him telling us he once schooled in the University of Ghana, Uniport, Unijos, just him alone, and if you asked him what made him leave these institutions, he would say “flexing”.

Flexing was his motto there is no gainsaying that. All celebrities had one way or the other hung out with him. The hanging out I sometimes thought to be on social media like 2go.


Aside flexing, he loved something else so much; shaking bush.



He had shook so many bushes that he was crowned the king of bush.


Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t say king of the forest, I said he was crowned king of the bush.

Bush shaker could shake as much as a four hectares land covered with thick bush.


Whenever he shook bush the ground suffered.

Whenever he shook bush the animals fled.

Whenever he shook bush so many trees fell.







Welcome home!!


The bush he shook isn’t the kind of bush in your mind.

He shook the delicious bush.

The bush your father shook that resulted to your.

Yes! That bush. The most delicious of all bushes.


The kind of bush that made me said I was a big f’ool just because the bush holder told me to say so while I shook.




University of Bush Shaking was the name of the institution. Bush shaker was the lecturer, George was the Course rep of the class that had in attendance Snow, Godwin, Junior, Fix something, Oyibo, and rarely Flow who missed classes a lot.




The day I was in class, Bush shaker lectured on the importance of having a Bush shaking account. He said there were different kinds of Bush shaking accounts; The savings account, the current account and the fixed deposit account.


In the savings accounts, you save your money in bits and withdraw any time any day, and anyhow. While in the current account, you withdraw only when the bush owner/holder said so. But strange enough, in the fixed deposit account, your never ever withdraw, you pay in money, and in a jiffy, it is gone, and gone forever.





Bush shaker, even though he said he had four savings, two current, and just one fixed deposit account, warned that none of us his friends should ever think of investing in fixed deposit account, that it was risky.

He also warned that we should always make withdrawals with ATM and not with deposit slips. But his prayers for us was that our ATM cards wouldn’t be seized by the machine, and I said “Amen” to that.


For one’s ATM card to be seized, it meant what they call “yawa” in pidgin.




I will never forget the day Sandra told Snow his ATM card had been seized in her bush, that day was when I saw Snow shook like a jelly fish.

“so Flow wetin I go do na? i don die oh!”

“oboy tell her say make she born am for you, you dey fear?”

“oboy I dey fear oh, person never see food chop belleful, na to come born pekin” He hissed, “Flow I don die be that oh”

“be a man!!” I advised like the superman I was.

“guy this one no dey for - be a man oh! I never wan born oh” He said.

Little did we know it was April f’ool.

April f’ool in November, and Snow didn’t take it lightly with her, he was really mad.

“you are mading, you dey are crazing!! You dey must stupid” I never knew my brother Snow could speak Swahili.











“wetin you wan go do for South Africa na?” I asked.

“I wan enter South Africa with my brother Duncan Mighty” He said, “we wan go perform for one show”.




If Duncan Mighty was the elder brother to Bush shaker, then I am proud to say Banky W is my elder brother.

“you no know say, na there I dey last year Christmas” He boasted, “we raised so many roofs mehn!!”


“na lie abeg!” Oyibo yelled, ”you never go South Africa before, you too dey lie”

“me!! Why will I lie?”

“you dey lie jor!” Snow said.


“me wey me and my brother go South Africa go perform, naso them dash us plenty pounds dollar”




Naira is to Nigeria as Pounds Dollar is to South Africa, according to Bush shaker.



“you say them dash una pounds dollar?” Godwin who always searched for mistakes in people’s speech said.

“yes na!” Bush shaker replied.

“na which day South Africa begin dey use pounds dollar as their money?” I added.

“na wetin them dey use na, na their new currency na?” Bush shaker was so good in arguing that he won every argument, even when he argued Tunisia was in Asia.


That day, I wept for Nigeria. I wept for the kind of graduates Nigeria produced.

Such graduates as Bush shaker that has graduated from Five universities with no degree to show.

I wept that Bush shaker, even though he was what igbo traders call “paranda” in these University, common sense would had told him that because the spelling of Tunisia had “sia” as the last three words, it wasn’t a country in Asia.










“I say South African Money na Pounds dollar” He longed for a heated argument.

“we don hear you”

“we gree”

“na true you talk”









South Africa found a new currency.

I love Flow, i love Flow no be for mouth.

Vote https://www.nairaland.com/1804027/free-n5000-writer-here-every/63#1804027.2017

And Vote rightly.

Thank you.

There was a barber’s shop know as Godwin barber’s shop.

In Godwin barber’s shop, so many things happened.


It was in Godwin Barber’s shop that a guy George kept the clothes from his open field boutique a.k.a “Bend down select” and his clothes were stolen almost every day for two weeks.


“Goerge! Look for the cloth well, nobody dey thief for here!” Godwin the barber said.

“I don look for am well well na”

“and that cloth no be any how price i buy am, e cost well well oh”


Truth be told, all his clothes were above average in price, he was so “igbo” in sales that he fought so hard to sell at exorbitant prices that were indeed cut throat, even to us his friends.




“I know who thief the cloth, na Fix something!” He said. If the guy named “Fix something”were to be there present, he wouldn’t had said that, otherwise something would had been fixed on his head; maybe a plank, or an iron r’od, or both.





Nwaba a.k.a Fix something has been fixing something since 1902 up until this moment. When we reach there, I go tell una about this funny fellow.


“Fix something no go fit thief your cloth, check well well” Godwin assured.

“oboy I don check, one white shirt dey miss”

“you sure say you never sell am?” I was concerned.

“I never sell am jor, Fix something don thief am, make I call am”



Why he strongly believed it was Fix something that stole the shirt was because Fix something had already dent his image by stealing.

From day one up until this moment I type, no one, and I repeat, no one had ever ever stolen anything, not to talk of a phone from Godwin’s barber’s shop even though the number of phones charged there every night was uncountable, save the day Fix something stole the phone of his “once upon a time” friend George.



George and Fix something’s case could be likened to the case of Tupac and Biggie, not until one Jane came into Fix something’s life and it all changed.


Fix something was in love with this provision store attendant Jane. Jane was his all in all, He slept, talked, and ate Jane.

And yes, his eating was based on the things Jane stole from her mother’s provision store and gave to him.

All was going well with Jane and Fix something………….

Until one day




Jane had told Fix something that she will be coming to his house to cook vegetable soup, and since Jane was with his spare key, he told her to go that he would be with her in few minutes time, little did he know that his g’igolo friend George who also had his spare key was in his house sleeping.



According to what Fix something told us, he said his girlfriend got home and knocked on the door that was closed from inside, and to her surprise, George opened the door, and she entered.

She went straight to the kitchen to prepare the vegetable soup, little did she know that vegetable soup will be prepared on her body that afternoon.

As she always did, she took off her clothes and tied wrapper, just wrapper.


In front of Jane was two heavy GP tanks, and we one day noticed that one was bigger than the other; The left was bigger than the right by some circumference. **Ladies reading, wetin dey cause that thing? Because Godwin told me it was due to the fact that she drank too much Vanilla Ice cream,and i somehow believed, shey na true?***








As she cooked in the kitchen, George was making plans. Wicked plans.


Next, he started carrying out his plan.

Unlike him, he went to Big Mama's mini filling station to buy Fuel to put on Fix something’s Generator.


When the generator was on, his next plan was to put on the home theater sound system to the last but one highest volume playing rap music.


Next, he wore just boxers. And last but not the least, he called Jane that was busy in the kitchen to come help him fetch the TV remote that was not far from were he lied on the bed.


Jane, instead of asking if he had suddenly turned crippled just helped him fetch it innocently.






And so it happened that he grabbed her firmly, and as the r’ape school will have it, he did it with no fear of someone hearing her screamed for help because the sound system was at its maximum volume.






What insult it is to r’ape a man’s girlfriend in his own house. If you think say I dey lie ask Man, I mean Man wey dey reason.


Man wey dey reason had once told me a story of how he was almost “Shariad” in Sokoto because he r’aped the daughter of a traditional ruler right in the palace.

“na make them no Sharia me nahim make me run from Sokoto enter Imo state oh” He will always say.







George!! Even though he was married, his etching “third leg” still longed for where it could be inserted into, even it be a Goat, a USB port or an under aged.

I will never forget him being imprisoned for r’aping an eleven year old.














Fix something, after fixing two bottles on George’s head for r'aping his girlfreind, warned him never to cross his part.





Since the r’ape case, everybody hated George, but not me.

Don’t get it twisted, not that I am advocating for r’ape to be legalized. Few months after the r’ape case, my friend George changed, he turned a new leaf, and stem too.





He bought a car and started shuttling Taxi, and most times, he carried me for free plus he always gave me some money that could take me to wherever I was going to if it be far.


73 percent of the time he carried me in his car, I ended up pushing the jalopy when it stopped.

George answered a car owner, why not?



A car owner of a car he bought 45,000 naira.

No jokes, George bought his jalopy from his landlord at the rate of 44,500 naira, approximately 45,000 naira because he bought two bottles of Seventeen Fifty Nine for me as a witness.













“I don call am, him say him dey come now!” George said.


Few minutes and I saw Fix something coming from a far with his both hands in his side pockets as usual.

The legendary “Fix something” nickname was as a result of the fact that he always greeted a gathering saying; “how una dey? Una dey fix something?”, and most importantly as a result of the fact that his both hands were always in his side pockets.

Why were his hands always in his pockets? Did I hear you ask?



His hands were always in his both pockets because it always contained groundnut, peeled maize, peanut, popcorn or sand. Of which we later discovered that there was always sand in one of his side pockets, and either groundnut, peeled maize, peanut, popcorn or biscuit on the other.



Fix something was so stingy a fellow that he couldn’t part with as little as few grains of maize.

Like a Goat, he was always chewing.

“wetin you dey chop?” Was a question that always got a response that sounded like this; “mehn! person don poor sotey na sand-sand man pekin dey chop now” and he showed the one that asked a handful of sand from his pocket.





My Aba brothers, am sorry for this.

Legend has it that the most stingy set of humans on earth are from Aba followed by Ijebu Ode. At least I have met a couple of friends from Aba that proves this to be true.



Fix something was so stingy that parting with a grain of whatever he chewed to any of his friends was herculean, and to a make matters worse, his chewing was so inviting for a beg. And I hated him for that.


Yet I loved him so much so that whenever I saw him coming, some kind of happiness just aroused from nowhere. Maybe it was due to the fact that he was the funniest amongst us all, or because mare looking at him could make the gloomiest smile. Or maybe it was because of his famous “how una dey? Una dey fix something?” Cliché.





“how una dey? Una dey fix something?” He shook us all as we stood outside arguing football.

“George dey look for you oh, him dey inside” Snow said.

“wetin make him dey look for me? him wan fix me something?”

“when you reach there, you go know wetin him wan fix you” I said remembering Man.



Something was indeed fix, and that thing was Fix something’s jaw.

His sloppy jaw was fixed with two hot slaps.

Then they started fighting.


Next we all fled to different directions including Godwin that owned the shop they were fighting in.

There was a rule we at Godwin’s barber’s shop surely obeyed to the latter, and that rule was: “no separating of fight, even if the two fighting wan kill them self”

And instead of the two fighting to kill themselves in our presence, we all fled leaving them to fight till they are saturated. By then, “na them go advise themsef make them stop the fight”

Such draconian rule!! I hear you say.


The rule was stated when two that fought one night started attacking those that separated them for ever separating them, and also due to the fact that at the end, the winner is known by the number of bruises the loser suffered, and respect followed.




The rule was brought to book November 14th when Snow and Bush shaker fought. That day I will never forget.

dtyla:
my guy just havard go study English she go gree once u come back ni

Ok make i go fill harvard form.

But i no get money for school fees oh. You go pay for me?

Make una no vex say i no update yesterday oh.

Today update go make brain die

dtyla:
Flow and Ishilove,u guys just love to hate urselfs,if God destined both of u to be one,i wonda how house go be ^_^

Best couple, i don tell her make we run things, she no gree.

dtyla:
instead of u to update-_-

I will do that, i have been doing that and i can not fail now, even though there are copying my work and the moderators that are supposed to be at the helm of affairs here are just suggesting how to fight literature thieves, just suggestions?

Ishilove:
Yeah, and that's why like a friend i used the 'F' word on him because he doesn't know how to talk. I hid his comments, that's why you can't see what he wrote that prompted the 'harshness' of my tone.

You can as well hide the "F" word too.