₦airaland Forum

“gbooomm gboom!!!” a knock was heard on our door early 15th January.


“who be that?”

“na me?”

"who be you?"

"na me Miracle" The question I so much hated answering whenever i knocked.




“wetin be that?” I opened the door.

“I wan come return una knife!” She handed over our kitchen knife she borrowed earlier to me.

“shebi I don warn you make you no dey return knife early in the morning!” I said.

“but brother…………….”

“eheen! brother wetin?” I cut in.


“your own na to dey return bad-bad object in the morning” I attacked, “if e no be Pepper, e go be Knife, if e no be knife, e go be Hammer”

“but brother you know say anything wey I borrow from una house, if I no return am earlier in the morning, I no go fit return am again till night wey I go come back from my mama shop” She said, “and if I no return am, and una com need am, una go say I no wan give una back una thing wey I borrow”


“ehen that one mean say make you dey give person dangerous object first thing in the morning?”






I will never forget the day she gave Snow our Pepper container and Hammer first thing in the morning, that was the same day Snow received the beating of his life from the “hug….. huger………… and hugest” guys.


“abeg any time wey you wan return any bad object, no knock our door” I said, “just drop am for front of the door”




After I collected the knife and kept it in the kitchen, I went back inside to say a little prayer so the knife I had collected first thing that morning wouldn’t buy me trouble that day. Talk of how people brought bad omen to others.









“gboooomm bgooommm!!” A deafening knock was heard on the door; this time I was sure it wasn’t Miracle.

“who be that?”

“na Landlord!! Open the door!”


“yeaaah! yawa!!” Yawa smelled indeed.

“Snow!! Snow!!” I mistakenly tapped Sandra’s a’ss as Snow’s leg.

“Sorry!” I moved my hand downwards to Snow’s leg.

“Snow!! Snow!!”

“Wake up oh, Yawa don gas oh!” I said, “Landlord dey door oh!”



“nothing dey happen! Open the door make I talk sense to am” Snow jumped up.

He opened the door and we both stood at the door like soldiers facing war front.

Indeed it was a war front talking to the Landlord about anything pertaining to rent, especially when one owed.




“oga Lndlord good morning!” I greeted politely.

“bad morning to una two” He greeted more politely.

“why una no fulfill una promise!?” He thundered.

We had promised him that we would pay half of the six months rent we owed him the previous day, but we failed. The promise was based on the fact that I thought Graceville School would pay me, which they didn’t.


“Landlord the money no com come out oh” I said.

“Make una no bring that leg oh” He said. Not understanding his slang, I took a quick look at my leg position to see if it was brought towards him.


“I no dey for shot bird him mama fly oh!” I again didn’t understand his slang, so I looked at my Brother Snow’s head if a bird perched.


“una must pay me my money! Una no go use una Reggae spoil my Blues” The Landlord so much loved speaking slangs and parables, and Padiman too. Was it in the Babalawo art to do such?

“oga Landlord we no dey spoil any blues!” Snow who earlier said he needed to talk sense to the Landlord was suddenly dumb allowing me alone to do the speaking.


“la la la la………!!” Stammered Snow.

“ti… do…” I almost helped him complete the Music notation.

“La la la Landlord we go pay you!!” He found his voice.

“when una go pay me?”

“as soon as we get the money”

“when be the time, I wan know!" He said "una no get money to pay rent but una go dey carry women we get big nyash”

"oga Landlord that one no concern you na!" I dared not said.


“when una go pay me?”

Landlord’s tone suddenly reduced as Sandra "rolled it" passed heading to the toilet. His mouth was Ajar too.



“ehnn! Make una talk, when una go pay me?” His tone increased immediately Sandra was beyond sight.





“nobody is paying you any money!!” I heard a voice that I wished was God’s.

princesssusan:
Nope jez an upgraded ajekpako

There you go upgraded Ajekpako. Lunch by 1:36pm

That afternoon Ilorin called telling me that since there was no job he could hunt, that he had decided to teach in a secondary school for a pay of 25,000 naira per month.


You all know Ilorin na! Ilorin from Man wey dey reason. The same Ilorin that rubbed Aboniki balm on his s’crotal sack.



I asked him about his son Tobi, he said he was fine, but that there was no money to send him to a good school, so he sent him to a government school that was tuition free.


He told me he had finally rented his own apartment and had left his father’s house. I commended him for that, saying it was better late than never.

I told him the next was to get married, to give his son Tobi a mother.


My friend Ilorin’s case could be regarded as a pity case. After impregnating a girl while serving, he decided to go back to the street to acquire a masters degree in “Agberology” the course of study for touts.

His dreams to be an Agbero with a passion, the Police killed.

He saw the Police station severally for picking pocket. Although I saw no trace of “picking Pocketism” in him while we served, I recalled him pouring kerosene into Angom pot of beans just because Angom refused lending him some money, that is more cruel than picking pocket. Abi how una see am?












“guy I want make we dey follow Otukpa talk back oh!” Junior said in the morning of 6th January this year.

“that wicked boy!”

Wicked indeed, and I heard he was supporting Nyesom Wike for Governor. While we three supported Dakuku Peterside.

“when the time come we go follow am talk!” Snow said.

“I want make we follow am dey talk very soon oh” Like our Junior dreamed of Otukpa serving him a basket of Potatoes.



“guy Potatoes dey hungry me oh” Junior announced.

“where you wan see Potatoes buy na?” Snow took the words off my mouth.

“we go go Rumuigbo market go buy am na?”






It had never happened since time immemorial that the three of us agreed on a thing and set to achieve that thing except that thing was food. Or food related.


Three of us wore three quarter shorts and bounced to the market like three wise men, three food men rather.



“make we enter Padiman shop go greet am!” I suggested as we entered the market.

As we walked towards Padiman’s Garri shop, I saw Tosin sat innocently in her mother’s provision shop, and I greeted; “Tosin how far?”, but she answered me not.


“why that girl no answer you na?” Junior asked.

“hahahahahaha!!” I just laughed.

“why you dey laugh na?” Junior was all ears I could see.

“if you see wetin that gril cause for me and Snow ehn!” I said.

“wetin she cause for una?” I saw Juniors ears close to my mouth.


“she cause us make we no eat night food one night”.




Snow had been admiring Tosin for long, so one night…………………..


He sprayed Junior’s infamous Togo perfume on his red T-shirt and set for the mission; the mission to win Tosin’s heart.

Fortunate enough for him, Tosin took her usual road.

It didn’t take a wink before, from the distance I stood watching, I saw a slap landed on Tosin’s succulent chin.


“wetin happen na?” I thought I was dreaming.

As I saw another slap landed on her chin, I concluded “Water don pass Garri”, so I ran, I ranned I mean to say.





It was later that night when Snow came to meet me at home that he told me what Tosin said that warranted the slap “duo”.

That she insulted his perfume; telling him he smelt like a new born bady p’oo.



I and Snow thought that was the last we would hear from Tosin, little did we know we will be visited by "Drillers" that same night.







“the Yam don dey don, e remain small” I told Snow as I entered the room from the kitchen that night.




Soon, there was a knock at the door.

“who be that?” I yelled.

“my friend will you open this door, or I break it” I heard a bass voice from the other side.


“you sure say no be landlord” I whispered to Snow, “you sure say him no carry Police make them come arrest us say we dey owe am?”


“I will not open, break it!!” I returned.




“broooomgum!!” Our door fell like a log of wood.




One huge guy held me by my p’rick while the other held Snow by his belt.

“brother na my p’rick you hold so oh!” I cried out.


“shut up!!! which of you is Snow?” The “huger” (permit me to use that comparative) guy said.

I pointed at Snow while he in turn pointed at me; we were not sure who Snow was.


“no be you be Snow?” I was in fury.

“is not me oh, I am Flow, he is Snow!” Snow denied.

“you no go behave yourself abi!! No be you be Snow?” I was on the verge of crying.

“brothers, no be me be Snow oh, I am Snow!” I said gibberish.

“you are Snow abi?” The “hugest” guy landed a hot punch to my stomach. Were it not that I had not eaten anything that night, I would had threw up, but since there was nothing in my stomach to throw up, I felt my intestine ascending towards my throat.


“eeeeeee eeeeaaah I no be Flow, I be Snow!” I still said gibberish.

“you are Snow abi?” Incandescently, it was clear that I had been christened Snow.



“no oh! He is not Snow” Tosin saved the day, “see Snow here!”



As they dragged Snow outside to give him the beating of his life, I heard the foundation of our cubicle kitchen shook.



Immediately they left, I knelt down, and said a Thank you prayer to God I was not named Snow at birth.


After the prayer, I shook my body unevenly so my intestine will fall back in place. And it did fall back.




The first place my mind went to was to check the kitchen if “Mr. Yam” was still intact in the pot.




As I opened the kitchen door, lo and behold I saw all pieces of Yam on the floor.


This life!!












“naso e happen oh” I finished narrating to Junior, “and since that day, the girl no dey follow me and Snow talk again oh”

“haahahahahahaha! e fuuny sha!!” Junior said, “where I go that day sef?”

“you no dey na” I said, “you dey Edo state dey do POP job”



“But Junior, you know say na that your nonsense Togo perfume nahim cause me make I wound this big wound” Snow showed Junior the scar that was as a result of excess drilling.


“na true him talk na! shebi we don warn you make you no dey buy those Togo perfume again”

princesssusan:
B4
Or is it nt afternoon yet?

Last time i checked, a typical "Ajekpako" eats breakfast by 11 and lunch by 4.

Abi you be Ajebutter?

eROCK247:
LoL. My ribs o!!! :DLoL. My ribs o!!! Can't wait for the next update.

Your ribs go soon fall comot, just wait.

princesssusan:
Waitn

Na this time una dey chop afternoon food for una house?

There will be Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner today.

jditimiya:
when u see someone that has a like mind like us u will surely know. The broom man flow always saying what is truth even when it snowing in that country. UP APC.......CHANGE...

Yeah

"ebe esere aziza"

“guy this days I notice say the kin girls wey you dey like na underage” Snow said to me as we sat at GBS watching TV while waiting for other parliamentarians.

“how you mean?” I inquired.

“I mean say you are a disgrace to me, how can small girls dey fall your hand everyday” He added, “leave these girls alone!”

“the other day one 18 year old girl come report to me say make I tell my brother make him leave her alone” He said, “say the next time you disturb her again she go report to her mother”

“the other day you come house dey frown face, I ask you wetin happen, you say na one small girl tell you say –you are getting on my nerves” He said, “you say that is an insult to you!”

“how e no go be insult to you, when you decided to chase only under 18!”


Godwin that was keenly listening all this while said: “but why na, that is child abuse na!”

“una no get sense!”

“na you wey dey pursue small-small girls nahim get sense?” Snow said.


Just then, I noticed the guy having a hair cut was giggling, not knowing his 16 years old sister was one of the girls that had “fallen my hands”. In fact on two occasions.



The first occasion was when I walked behind her talking to her but she refused giving me listening ears. So like the m’ugu I was, I kept walking behind her for a distance that seemed like trekking from Lagos to Abuja.




On the second occasion unlike the first, she gave me listening ears giggling at my sweet words while I "flowed" like a river. But I was shocked when she abruptly stopped and yelled; “can you stop following me! You I’diot!!”.

Mehn! Shame catch me ehn! I felt like the ground should open up and swallowed me.

Bush shaker who was just walking by laughed uncontrollably.

“why you dey laugh na!”

“hahahahahahahaha! I see how that girl fall your hand oh!”

“but you dey f’uck up oh! Why you no wan follow my advice?”

“wetin be your advice?”

“I don advise you say make you no dey follow small girls” He said, “small girls dey spoil market!”



He had advised me that girls bellow 18 on the one hand were naive and that their minds were still young, and on the other hand they liked hanging out with their "school boys", so any other guy aside their school boys are regarded old. I saw some sense in his advice, because since I started going to Graceville School every Wednesday, I noticed the SS3 girls refused giving me face, I concluded they saw me as an old man, too old to be their fathers I suppose, so I made sure my beard was shaved shinny every Tuesday night against Wednesday. Yet they still never gave me face, and it was worst off after the shave.












Godwin was cutting the hair of someone else when Fix something walked in and brought up a very interesting topic for discussion.


“as Buari use Pastor as him running mate, e make sense?”

I took a deep breath before contributing to the topic; “how e take no make sense?”

“e no make sense because a man of God is not suppose to be a politician” He replied.

“now listen, for a man of God to be a politician is not bad, God created everything and said we should dominate and rule” Like Snow was on my side on that.

“Politics is a dirty game and a Minister of God is not supposed to dirty his hands” Fix something said.

“na true jor, when person be pastor, make the person face him pastor work and leave politics for politicians” Godwin said forgetting his “food” was getting burnt. Not concentrating on his food.

“my friend!! face what you are doing on my head!! Concentrate!!” A b’utt faced man that he was cutting his hair said.

“ok sir!”




“was David in the bible not a king and a man of God?” I said.

“that one na Bible oh, we dey talk of Nigeria wey corruption plenty” Junior said for the first time since entering the parliament.



The Witness brothers Fix something and Junior supported the motion which says; “A Pastor should not be a Politician”, while I and Snow opposed the motion. So the debate continued.


“una two wey dey talk, shebi una church talk say make una no dey vote” I hit the nail on the heads of both Witnesses.

“yes na, if we are citizens of Heaven Kingdom, why will we vote for a Worldly government!” Junior said.




Witnesses have so many believes; believes like not celebrating Christmas, believes like that Jesus Christ did not die in a cross like other Christians claim, that He died in a straight log of wood, believes like there is no Trinity, but the believe of theirs I so much don’t like is that their members shouldn’t vote, second to the believe that their members shouldn’t celebrate their birthdays.


I will never forget a mistake I made while I was in Year one in school.

That mistake was sending my friend Kingsley a happy birthday message.

Before God and Man, I never knew Kingsley was a staunch Witness, and that birthdays were not celebrated by Witnesses.


The message I sent read thus: “Kingso! As today marks the day of your birth, I wish you happy birthday. Where the party to happen na?”. Short and simple.


Few minutes later, my phone beeped and the message I viewed read thus: “I don’t like such kind of massage, don’t wish me happy birthday, wish yourself!”




And that ended our friendship.








Godwin was cutting while he listened to I and Snow’s hot argument with the Witnesses.

Little did he know his cup was full to the brim.







“booormmmm! Borrmmmmm!!” One hot punch landed on his Solar plexus, while another was upper cut.








“I said concentrate on my hair!!"

"You have spoit my hair!!” Our dear Mr. b'utt faced thundered.

StormAngel:
hhehehehe mak i run go change am now... I no get strenght biko.

Hahahahahahaha This new one reminds me of the days i tucked in long sleeves shirt in my boxers short just to look funny.

StormAngel:
Best writer of the month; Flow u deserve it sa

Thank you

BTW wetin you dey look for your hand for that you profile picture?

The tidings in the affairs of men does not remain in flood, it ebbs.

My tiding had indeed been flooded of lately, at some point I wished I could get any job, just any job. Or half a job.



“oboy! E get one secondary school wey I get job oh!” I announced.

“ehen! Thank God oh!!” Junior said.

“so na which subject you go dey teach?” Snow asked.

“abi na you go be principal?”





If I was the principal.............. I would work so hard to make the school envy of other schools.

If I was the principal............... I would make sure the environment was conducive enough for learning.

If I was the principal............... I would make sure the students were neat always.

Above all, If I was the principal.................... I would make sure I impregnate at least three of the female students in SS3.


Call me a p'ervert, call me an a'shawo but.........................


"guy if you see as the SS3 girls fine ehn!!" My mouth was ajar.

"hope say no be girl you wan find go there?" Junior said.

"me? no be girl I wan find go oh, i will face my work!" I said.

And at the same time, i might secure my future................. Or so I thought.


"guy mehn! if you see the kin jeeps wey carry them the students come school in the morning ehn!" I said, "e com be like say the school na where them dey sell motor, different motor just dey drive in and out"









"you never tell us wetin you go dey teach there oh" Snow said, "abi na you go be the principal?"

“no oh, no be me go be the principal oh!” I said, “I go dey teach the student Taekwondo”.


I had proposed to the Principal of a school Graceville International School to teach interested students Taekwondo, and indeed it was my privilege to do so.

Graceville management agreed to pay me 20,000 naira every month and that I would be around every Wednesdays 3-5pm that was their club/sport time.




“mehn!! I go resume tomorrow oh!” I told my friends.











Later that evening, I went to Godwin’s shop to charge my phone that had indeed been a pain in my a’ss; charging only with fake chargers.




“oboy you get fake charger?” I asked Fix something as i entered.

“which one be fake charger again” He answered, “I no dey use fake things”

“Flow oh! Why e be say na only fake charger dey charge your phone?” Godwin always interested in other people's matter.

“na because my phone na German phone” German phone indeed.

“Mr. German phone, take charger jor!!” Bush shaker handed me his charger.

“guy na new year be this oh, you need to change oh” George said, “pursue poverty comot for you life oh”

“me and you who need to pursue poverty?” I attacked, “ehnnnn? talk na?”

“you wey if person drive that you Jangolova motor, the person go begin sweat for nyash” I cursed.



The rather morbid testimony of Fix something when he drove George’s “Jangolova” to hustle for 6 hours was:

“mehn!! As I drive the car reach Rumuigbo junction naso the thing com bend go one side oh”

“e bend go one side, but because I need money bad bad, I continue to drive am like that oh”

“why e bend go one side na?” Junior asked.

“omoh, me no know oh” Fix something said, “but as one fat woman sidon for the side wey go up, the thing com dey do jangolova oh”

“I fear oh” He added, “I think say the motor go troway all of us wey dey inside comot oh”

“I no tell you say the motor no good?” I no tell you say e get balancing problem?”

“abeg make we hear word jor! Which own be balancing problem?” Bush shaker said.

"hahahahahahahahahahaha!" We laughed.

“make una hear na!” Fix something narrated further, “as the jangolova manage to stop, motor com stop oh, e no gree move again”


“I need to come down com push am” He said, “but as I come down, naso I see say my trouser don soak oh, e com be like say I piss for body!”

“I swear I think say I piss for body oh!”


“na because the seat dey bring out heat from under na!” George defended.

“m’umu na only your motor nahim dey comot heat from under the seat for this world abi?” Snow said.

“yes na, my motor na scientific motor na!” answered George.

"hahahahahahahahahaha!" We laughed out.


Scientific motor indeed, with a car like his, who needed a car? A car that could never be driven in rainy session all because its roof was basket.



“but George oh, you suppose go troway that motor oh!” I said after struggling to power my phone.

“come help me go troway am na”







“mehn I hear say election na 14th of February oh!” Fix something said.

“naso I hear sef oh!” I said.

“make them no try that thing oh!” Commander Godwin said.

“m’umu! Something wey Federal Government don declare!”


“ehen!!! our Government no get sense oh!”

“me wey I don plan that day” Bush shaker said.

“we know you na, you wan shake plenty bush that day!”

“me? No oh, I wan shake only one bush oh”

“why na?” I asked.

“because to shake plenty bush that day na problem be that oh” He said, “that mean say the person wan die young be that”

If shaking bush reduces one’s longevity, then Bush shaker would surely die at 27, I was sure.


“me wey I don deposit enough money for my girlfriend bai-bai bank” Fix something said, “na that day I go withdraw all the money wey I deposit oh”

Well, “bia-bia” bank isn’t a micro finance bank as some of you will think, I would rather it be called a multi- purpose bank.

It serves so many purposes depending on the account holder, well, lemme speak for myself, it served ATM 24/7 to me, accept during Kel's tenure as the queen of my heart that the ATM came home to my bed 24/7.





“but this Election wey dem fix for valentine day make sense oh” Snow said for Sandra's sake.

“abi oh, person no go carry him babe comot” I added, “because that day no movement”



“who you go vote for that day sef?” Godwin asked.

“who you dey ask? me?” I asked.

“no oh, how I go ask you, everybody know who you go vote for na” He said, “you be Buari pekin na!”



I have ab initio made it known to the “Godwin Barber’s Shop Parliament GBSP” who I was a fan of Politically, and that Person is Buari.
Often times we had argued in GBSP who the right candidate for the presidency was, I never failed to let them know Buari had served and delivered and will deliver again, I never failed to let them know Buari was disciplined and discipline is what we need for our lawlessness in this nation. I never failed to let them know that Buari never stole and will not. Yes, I know you will be saying “all politicians steals”, count them in hierarchy and tell me the position Buari will fall.


I also never failed to let them know that the “shoeless one” now had millions of shoes that he forgot that somewhere in Dunu- Kofia in Anambra state, little Obinna always trekked 30 Kilometres on bare foot to school every morning because his father and mother were poor farmers that couldn’t even afford fertilizer for their crop.



I never failed to let them know that the one that brought “breathe of fresh air” seats in Aso rock to receive Breathe of fresh air from the “presidential A/C” and forget that little Tolu in Ilesa Osun State is breathing air of Cholera because water supply around his neighborhood was gotten from only one source that was close to a gigantic refuse dump.



I never failed to let them know that the one that brought “help to the helpless” helped Musa who hails from Maiduguri, a graduate at 24 who after losing both parents in a car crash caused by an abnormal Police check point decided to enlist in the Islamic sect Boko Haram.





And I saw CHANGE under the sun.

eROCK247:
At last I'm thru with my marathon... m an unrepentant FP viewer hence I didn't c dis piece on time. Boss Flow, u r simply d best! Comedy, reality, twists & turns, suspense, etc. u've got it all! I really love ur descriptive ability, very admirable. I've not seen ur other stories to the end sha but I just have to. More grease to ur elbow, data bundle to ur fone/PC and all-round improvement.



BTW, is ur name actually Peter? If yes, we're name sakes o! Big ups boss!!!

Thank you name sake

Divepen1:
@ Jezuzboi, it's there now...

Error in certificate. Name written as flow1795, it is flow1759.

Shey you no know Guinness brand code?

Abi you no be Nigeria person?

jditimiya:
Flow i voted for u o, so NY share na to update on time. congrats my guy way they make me smile even as everybody free me. River state is a place to be o. Ama when u enter Aboloma and Abalama and buguma. u will see beauty of the day. keep flowing because is snowing here.

Why is it that places in River state sound like gun shot: Buguma, Aboloma, Degema, Okirika, Kalabari etc etc

Not to mention the Rumu......... this, Rumu......... that

Divepen1:
Jezuzboi and Flow1795/flow1975
click on the links in my signature to download a certificate of award.

Flow1759, not 1795 and not 1975.

But i didn't see any link in your signature na

Slimzjoe:


Congrtz Man

Thank you!

Yes!! We made it!!

Best writer of the month.

To all that voted, i thank you all.

I am really happy.

Divepen1:
Upcoming Writers
1. Kizzykeziah--7
2. Kitnah--4
3. Jezuboi--64----- Winner------

Writer of the month
1. Larrysun--38
2. Bigwig97--2
3. Adegwurulez--6
4. Flow1759--44--- Winner---
5.Vantee20---2
6.Domawoleye--3
7. Flakkydagirl--3
8.Thronekid--21
9. Slickest---2
10. Kingzpen--5
11. Flembleez1--7
12. Nuges11--1
13. Simplicity101--1
14. Ohibenemma--1
15-- Hazardous---1
16. Theorbiters--1
17. Mollusco--1

Wow!! I won.




To my fans, I thank una well well. This wouldn't have been possible without you guys.

IHate9ja1:
Best of luck bro

Thank you

Morning came with everyone in the room laughing at me.


“if you see as him wake me make I go show am where toilet dey” One guy Stephen said.

“and naso him hold him belle say him belle dey pain am, hahahahahahahaha!”

“so as we reach toilet” Stephen said, “s’hit na? naso him com dey tell me say him no like our toilet”.



Truth be told, their toilet was out of this world.

Jokes apart, this was how their toilet looked like; A varanda built but with what I will rather call “n’yash inlet” where nyash protruded to poo in the River, what technology?


The part I liked the most was the sound a landing poo made in the river; it sounds according to the size of the poo, I think mine pronounced my surname. Or so I thought.


“Flow oh! so na the soup wey you eat nahim make your belle spoil?” Snow said.

“guy I no know oh, e be like say na the ice cream wey I lick as we dey come!”













We strolled to the village hall where the show was to take place.


“oboy una village girls fine oh” I said.

“yes na, you like them?” Harry said, “na those girls dey contest for the beauty pageant”

“what! So na beauty pageant nahim be the show wey you dey talk of” I was surprised.

“yes na, una no know?”

“we no know na” Snow said, “you no tell us na, you just tell us say na show”

“but I think say I tell you oh”

“no na”

“ok no vex, na beauty pageant” Harry said, “and for night, nahim be beach party”

“you mean am?

“yes na, my brother Tony and Stephen him friend dey for the water side”

“where the beach dey sef?” I asked.

“for our backyard na” Harry said, “that water for back of our house na, the water big well well oh”

“you say what?” I was shocked, “that water wey I go s’hit inside? That s’hit water?”

“no oh, no be the side wey them dey s’hit put” He said, “na for another side”

“but the s’hit no go flow come that side?” Snow asked.

“no oh, e no go flow” Harry said, “that side wey the beach party dey happen deep, but where we dey s’hit shallow”







What nonsense?











“Harry!!” I heard someone called.

“Harry them dey call you!” I tapped Harry.

“no be me, na another Harry” He said.

“Harry oh, I notice say many people dey bear Harry for this village”

“yes na, because this na Harry’s town na”.











By evening, Flow and Snow were set for the Show. **see rhyme**






The show started with some cultural dance and fireworks display. The fireworks displayed wasn’t responsible for my fears, what was responsible for my fears was the I’mbecile that sat close to me.


Saliva dripped out of her mouth watering everywhere including my shoes.

I tried to change location, but I thought otherwise because I had promised Snow to remain there until the show finishes in case he needed to ask me one our two he can easily reach me in the crowd.




“why this m’umu come sidon near me na”






Snow did a good job in introducing the beauties one after the other ably assisted by one short guy that chipped in their native dialect from time to time.



I heard one guy telling his friend that the beach party had started and that it would last till dawn. A beach party at night? I hoped Mami waters weren't included.




I was thinking the pageant would have Bikini display so I would see the "content" of the ladies, but I was disappointed when Snow announced that it was strictly native attire.

I had told myself that if it were not possible for me to go to the beach party alone, I would just go home and sleep, but again, I wasn’t with the house key, it meant I either chose to remain in the rather boring beauty pageant, or go sight seeing at the beach party, sight see and not swim in the s’hitty water.




Soon I found the pageant interesting when the ladies were asked to cook native delicacies on stage.



While contestant number 2 cooked, an accident occurred.

Her plate of soup fell off her hands , she stepped on it, slipped and fell like pack of cards.


Like the I’mbecile that sat close to me was somehow related to contestant number 2, immediately that accident, she hugged me salivating on my shirt; my designers shirt.

With all the strength in me, I pushed her away, and as she came back for another hug, I fled.






Out of the hall, I saw people walking towards one direction which I suspected to be the beach, the river rather.









A very big river it was, it was indeed close to the skies.

The place was well light, with so many factions at the bank. By my left was a bar, by my right was a gym, and from the corner of my eyes I saw that right beside the gym was where the DJ slammed from the turntable.



In the river, some were playing volley ball, while some others were river clubbing. The atmosphere was of fun and booze reeked everywhere.

I saw one guy having sex in the river with a girl that had tattoo all over her, “Mami water never pursue una?” I said to myself, “una no know say na Mami water territory una dey?”


I stood by the gym watching guys that were rather weaklings my by judgement gym.



“I fit join?” I asked one skinny guy.

“you fit join na” He answered, “if you fit carry”

The guys at the gym spoke one language; their native language.

I needed to prove a point to them, that my name was Jimi and I had a bachelor’s degree in “gymiology” the art of the gym.



“put all of them!” I said to the guy that added more weight.

He looked at me for a while and said “you fit carry all?”

“yes na” I said, “no be me say make you put am?”



One guy said something in their language and they all laughed.

“if this one die here, we go run leave am!” Was what I thought he said that made them laughed.

“guys, make una give me the one wey heavy pass” I said, “I go push am 20”

“I swear you no fit!!” one guy said.

“you no fit abeg”

“you wey dry like this nahim wan push 20” I agreed I was losing weight by the day, but like my friend would say; “e dey inside body”

“no body fit push am 10 sef” One guy that looked “ajebuttered” said.

“ok, I don hear una” I said, “if I push 20 how much una go give me?”


“I go give you 20,000 naira” The ajebuttered guy said.

“I go add am 10,000 naira” Assistant ajebutter added.

“where the money?” I asked.

As the both of them brought out hug sums of money from their pockets, that was when it dawned on me where I was; River state and “Oil money” was in abundance.


As I took off my T-shirt and gathered momentum, one guy demonstrated how they wanted me to push the weight.

“and if you no push am? Wetin you go give us?” One guy asked.

“I go give una my phone, and 2k, na the only money wey I get” I pledged.

“and we go flog you join” He assured.

The thought of them all flogging the living day light off me energized me.




“who go hold the money?” I needed to know.

“na this man!” They both handed the money to one dread locked guy.

As an Igbo boy that had igbo brian, I went to the dread locked guy and whispered something to his ears.



This was what I whispered to him:

“If I chop the money, I go give you 10k inside! Just make sure say this your brothers no do me ojoro”


And he was sure willing to betray his brothers for 10k.



I had pushed 10 count when they started detracting my strength with so many gimmicks so I would give up. But my only fan the dread locked guy cheered me on.

Just then, i remembered my Mum's advise about "someone's village". And the thought that those riverine boys might as well kill me and throw my body into the river came to play. But again, i saw the dread locked guy strong enough to take on all of them; i saw the proverbial "S" inscribed on his chest.



Thirteen and my hands had failed me, muscle pull beckoned.

With every push, the weight was getting heavier.






Sixteen and I couldn’t feel my hands anymore.

“you no dey push am well oh” One guy complained.

“him dey push am well jor” The dread locked guy attacked.

It was like the dread locked guy was most dreaded amongst the pack. Or so i thought.






Eighteen and my biceps were nowhere to be found.




“two more!” The dread locked guy cheered.

gregzone:
122 NTA-Mgbuoba Road, (former police post
after GT Bank at location round-about). Its called Smartdon Academy, owned by Dj smartdon of Wazobia fm ph.

OK I will give it a shot

I pray I emerge the best writer of the month.

I pray there is a "Jega" that will announce me "Buhari".

I also pray there will be no "Orubebe" as they count.



Amen



Still i Flow.

Boxing day and we were on our way to Karabari, Haris town, Obuama I think.

“guy this place dey inside oh!” I said, “we never reach?”

As we journeyed through thick forest, what I was asking myself was; “when will Nigeria develop and all this bushes turn House?".




If I was the president of Nigeria, I will build large estates in each state of the federation for citizens to live in at very cheap rates.

If I was the president of Nigeria, I will make sure electricity is supplied worst of 20 hours daily across the federation.

If I was the president of Nigeria, I will make sure 80 percent of youths are gainfully employed………… If I was the president of Nigeria.

If these were the only three keys things I achieve as a president, and I achieve them well, indeed Nigerians will crown me Hero I am sure.








We arrived at about 6pm.

“una welcome oh!!” Harry Snow’s friend walked us to his compound.

As we entered his compound, I suddenly grew goose pimples, so I asked; “river dey near here”

“yes, river dey our backyard” Harry answered.

“Flow you no know say this place wey we dey na riverine area” Snow said, “and na this kin riverine area nahim make them call this state River state?”



If that was the bases of naming a state, Then Imo state shouldn’t have been named Imo, it should have been named “Ngwori” state and the capital would have been Hotel.

Imo!! Oh my dear Imo!!

“Hotel aka nri….. aka ikpa………” Like one igbo Musician sang, Imo state can boast of the highest number of hotels contained in a state amongst the states in the federation.


I will never forget Chima and Chidi telling me they have once lodged in a hotel in Owerri that they paid 1,200 naira per night. They said, they were given candles as they lodged in promising that would be their source of light that night. When mosquitoes finished dealing with them, they wished they never left their home.


I will never also forget Collins when we were in Year one in school. Collins, after painstakingly searching for a Hostel close to school and he didn’t find one, he removed the “s” in the spelling of Hostel and was left with Hotel. He paid the Hotel for one year so he was given a room that was permanently his, and at a very cheap rate too. My dear Collins boasted of how he was a “best friend” to all the a’shawos in the Hotel, and that he needed no girlfriend accepts on mondays that was an off day for all the a’shawos.


Yet I still love my state.

With what I see lately, the current Governor is building Government Houses and Lodges to make matters worse.

Any graduate that goes to a City as Owerri to look for a job, will find one surely, but in a Hotel.

Yet I still love my state.

I know most of you reading will say “who no go like him Mama soup?”. Well, I hated Owerri for one thing, expensive food.

A plate of food goes for 300-400 naira, that na if you no wan chop belleful, but if you wan chop belleful, 500naira. But for us sharp guys, we bought food without meat for 200 naira.

I remember my roommate saying; “God forbid!! I hate meat", that one na because him system don dey use to eating “without”.


Yet I still love my state.


If all states in Nigeria were to be like Imo state, then I assure you all Nigerians would be lazy, very lazy. You work so hard in another state, and you come to Imo state to spend the cash; eateries, night clubs, bars and Hotels will help you do that.

Ngwori was Imo state’s Motto little wonder it is know as Eastern heartland. It is located at the centre of all the Eastern states.


Now don’t be lost, Ngwori means enjoyment; the kind of enjoyment when you are drinking Hennessey and munching “Isi ewu” in one of the rooms at the top floor of Rock view Hotel Owerri with two beautiful IMSU chicks r’omancing your six packs, such kind of enjoyment.


I miss Owerri mehn! Now I just visit the city, and don’t stay long.


But I promise myself I will retire some day in that City, God willing.



















"Guy this one wey you dey ask, hope say you no dey fear water?" Snow said.

Not that I have phobia for rivers, just that such happens whenever I am close to a river, goose pimples.

Call me “Papi Water” if you like, all I will say is that I can not swim, but I can dance in the rain.

Put me in a deep river and I will drown. Put me in a Pond and I will surely drown. Put me in a gutter and verily I will drown, accept if a life jacket was available.



I had promised myself that someday I will learn to swim, little did I know that that day beckoned.





“una go baf abi?” Harry said as we settled.

I really needed a hot bath.


“the water wey we go use baf go dey hot?” I asked.





“the hot water don ready oh” Harry informed us few minutes later.

While I and Snow bathed in the same bathroom, I heard a noise of water tempest towards us; it was like we were floating in water.
I bathed like someone late for work and ran out of the bathroom.







“food don ready oh” Harry’s younger brother brought food.

As I saw Eba, my soul was gladdened, little did I know the soup was native.

Wetin be this?” I almost asked.

What I saw in front of me looked like collective Saliva that palm oil was poured on but with fishes, premature fishes.

“which kin fish be this?” I said, “e no mature well na”

“no oh, naso the fish dey big reach” Harry said, “e no fit big pass this”



I closed my eyes with every swallow so I wouldn’t throw up.

“Snow you get sense abi” I said in my mind, “you dey chop slow-slow so only me go finish the food abi?”


Finishing the food was such a herculean task, so we stopped half way.


“I don belleful” Snow said.

“me sef oh” I said, “Harry thank you oh”.





We discussed a bit about the show that was slated for the next day, not boxing day as Snow told me earlier.




Before light out that night, I said a little prayer remembering what my Mum always told me about people’s village, that if I am killed there, no one would know where I died not to talk of seeing my body.















Thunder struck at about 12am waking me up.




By 12:04am it struck again, and that was when I realized it was not thunder but my stomach that struck.

gregzone:
Mgbuoba, NTA road.

Ok, i know Mgbuoba, that is where Junior lives now.

where in Mgbuoba? I mean the name of the place

ugoezeik:
flow tanx gods u r back because my parents bin don de ask me since wia u de I tel dem say maybe u r one of d ppl wey kidnappers catch for agbo delta road. but tanx jar say I don see u for lafia road. maybe wen I get home today I go tel dem say u r tracking for buhari frm bornu to fct

Or so i thought

emmy99:
Baba Flow thumbs up man...... Ur write-up is outta dis world..... But wait oh true true u and snow leg frm RUMUIGBO to GARRISON?? Omoh its nt a small sumtin...... Ur d best man

Yes oh. via shortcut

I think that is the longest distance i have treked.

tfabu:
This last update was rily funny,i couldn't help the laughter even tho was in a commercial transport,well done flow

Thank you, but laugh easy oh

Christmas to some is full of fun, and more fun, but to me, it was full of drink, and more drinks.



After red label, I entered Alomo bought by Padiman.

Then from Alomo, it was Orijin at Goldberg.

There are drinks and there are drinks. That day being my first “Orijinal” day, I told myself there was no other than Orijin, aside 1759 of course.

With respect to my brand 1759, after I drank a bottle of origin, I swayed to 1759 my elder brother Femi.


If only one is given a job according to their passion for any brand, then the best place I should work is Guinness Nigeria Limited of course.

Any section I will be posted to work, I will work with so much passion bearing in mind that the brand depended on me. But if you ask me, I will say the brewery section will do.






I remember the story Angom while I was serving told us.

He said he did his Industrial Training in Nigerian Breweries, that he worked in the section that transported the brewed beer form the storage tanks to the bottles, and most times they always carried out routine checks on the storage tanks.

He said one afternoon while they opened an inlet to one of the tanks to check the flow of the beer it contained, a colleague of his Tunji fell into the tank and was drowning.


Tunji wasn’t a good swimmer so Angom thought he was dead. Surely, there were no lifeguards on ground.

“Tunji!! You still dey alive?” Angom yelled.

The response Angom got was a bubbling sound.

“Tunji!! You still dey alive?” Angom cried out.

This time he got no response, that meant his friend was dead.

“yeaaaa! Tunji don die oh!!” Angom ran to report the case.



To cut the long story short, Tunji was brought back to life through the “kiss of life”. I wondered the amount of beer the person that kissed must have drank in the process; 10 litres I suppose.

Come to think of it, Tunji must have drank about 50 litres, or so I thought.




“Angom una go dey drink well well for there be that oh” I asked Angom while he narrated.

“yes na! if you see how we dey drink the beer ehn!!”

“how?” I asked.

“e get one tap wey we dey go drink the beer with our hand” He said, “every time wey you On that tap, beer must rush comot, except when them Off am from inside”

What he meant was that you can drink beer from the tap the same way you drink water from a tap when there is no cup available. That is really cool?

“but you no go drink com dey misbehave oh” He warned, “If not, them go just sack you”


Why would I drink to stupor? Two mouthfuls a day was enough for me only from Mondays to Thursdays, while 82 mouthfuls was enough for me on Fridays.











As we left Goldberg hotel; “I wan piss!” I told my friends.

“ehen! piss na!” Junior muttered.

“I say I wan piss!” I repeated.

“piss na, we hold you?” Snow raised his voice.

“make una come help me comot my p’rick na?”

“you dey craze oh, so you no know where your p’rick dey?” Junior said.

“I know na” I replied.

“oya tell us where your p’rick dey?” Snow asked.

“no be here e dey?” I pointed at my shoulder.

“hahahahahahaha!! You be m'umu, no be there your p’rick dey” Snow said, “na here!” He pointed at my Navel.

“una two no get sense oh” Junior cut in “na here him p’rick dey na” He pointed at an entire different place; My Nose.




Blame us not, we drank to “stuporest” if there is any word like that. And madness beckoned.

After much argument, we all went with Snow's idea; that the p’enis was located somewhere above the Navel.

After searching painstakingly above my Navel, I searched downwards and found my p’enis in a forest, so I peed.


As I finished peeing, I tucked the long sleeve shirt in the three quarter short I wore and hurried to catch up with my friends.

Who even told me in the first place to dress so odd; or was it my Christmas clothe?

As I paced to meet up my friends that were rather walking fast…………………………………



“hahahahahahahaha!” I heard behind me.

I turned and saw two ladies laughing uncontrollably. I recognized one of them as Fix something’s sister.

“are you sure he is not mad?” Fixed Something’s sister said.

“na your Papa dey mad”











Within Seconds we were in our compound.

I heard rumbles in my stomach as I added the "The Rock" Padiman offered me making the number of brands I had drank that night six.



I was dead drunk.


In Geography, we were taught that the Earth is Spherical, But that night, I saw the earth Square and humans carried Televisions as heads.

These Televisions ranges in sizes; some where small, some were big, while some others were very big.

Snow’s Television was a typical example of a very big Television. I looked up to see if I could see the size of my own Television but couldn’t, so I concluded mine would be in between very big and very very big. It might as well be bigger than my entire body. Or so I thought.

But again I noticed some Televisions were On while some were Off, some were coloured while some others where black and white.

There is no gainsaying that Junior’s Television was an ancient black and white that was Off.

“Junior wetin happen to your head na?” I asked.

“as how? I no understand” He can never understand that I saw the spiritual.

“e be like say one big wound dey your head” I said.

“you dey craze! Na your head big wound dey” He cursed.



The Television era ended with me seeing the Landlord’s head as a flat screen, while that of Padiman was LED, or was it that those that were “babalawo” carried quality Televisions as heads.



Then came the era of seeing females carrying cakes as a’ss.

The cake of Miracle the Landlord’s daughter looked half baked and somewhat unkept. While that of Joy was white in colour and looked attractive. Oh! How i wished Nnenna was present that night!

Talking of attractive cakes, then came Angela.

Angela’s cake was out of this world; what Nigerians call “National Cake”

Yummy! I wished I could munch a chunk of the National cake.


As I kept staring at the National cake, an indicator suddenly appeared in it.

Below the red indicator was inscribed “come and cut” on blue.

“make I come cut?”


The Devil that told me to stand up was really wicked. But not as wicked as the one that told me to walk towards Angela.

Standing behind Angela, then the most wicked of all Devil told me to cut the cake as directed by the indicator.

I dragged the cake but it was stuck.




What happened to me next, I couldn’t tell. What I could tell was that I saw myself in bed the next morning with a broken jaw.

Snow and Junior narrated to me what happened as I lied in bed sick.

“so na that Angela blow nahim do you this thing? hahahahahaha!” Junior laughed, "Angela go go competition for Female boxing oh! hahahahahahaha!"

“hahahahahaha! But wetin make you go press her n’yash na?” Snow asked.

What nonsense question! “so I go just go press person nyash like that?”

“hahahaha! So wetin come cause wey make you go press am?” He further asked.


I wished they knew why. No! I wished they never knew.











That was how I spent my last Christmas.

gregzone:
Stil u flow..
Flow baba correct niqqa, u funny die. I strted reading xterday night and guy I never sleep since den. Kudos guy u d best comic writer I've met on NL.
U're good in writing dialogues, try ur hands on script-writing «I hear say smartdon Academy dey run am, dey are located at Location Road» maybe u no go need dat Oil company work afterall Bible tlk say a mans gift maketh way for him.
I rep P-side too.

Thank you

Location road?

Where is that?

stuff46:
lol @the last update.

I swea junior go key person today

You enjoyed it?

I too enjoyed it..


I often read what I wrote to see it in the eyes of you guys

kaymolla:
Mehn.....Flow....u don dey make me laff anyhow for crib. shuo....u funny die. thanks a lot for d comic relief....stil you flow...cheers

Still we Flow together