₦airaland Forum

OMA4U: Congrats! Nuges. Royver, T-flow, Miss_fibre, you guys are the best. I never believed I could make it to top 5 among you, hot guys. It's a privilege competing with you. I've learnt a lot. Thanks to Mazi, you've brought out the spirit in me. To the judges, I hail o! Na u sure pass.... Ishilove, Omolola, Efe, PRINCESA, Hbg, Repogirl, kayemjay. God bless you'll.

Where my name?

[quote author=Miss_Fibre]None of your business [/quote]

Shey him wan pour sand inside your garri ni

Onyiclassic: waitn.......

[b]Your waiting is over...

Special shout out to you guys for keeping the fire burning, looks like I was late today as I could not reply all your comments but God knows I read them and laugh. You guys are encouraging. We are moving to the permanent site gently but I bet you guys, you have seen nothing yet. You will be treated to does of comics that will make your rib crack. I am putting together a surprise package for y'all. Chilax and enjoy.

To the ladies in the house, show the guys some love. Some of them have wonderful monikers, hook up o. After all, nairaland is a place to meet people, whether for business or relationship. I stand as a mediator and tell them single ladies to begin locating their husbands oo...

Special thanks to Obinau and Mynd (who is really annoying) for still pushing for this topic to grace the front page. Now you know how encouraging it can be for a writer to see his work on the front page of Nairaland.

I doff my cap for my only boss Flow. The dude is more than wonderful. Squeezing time out of his ever busy schedule to update. His updates really helped me see into new and untapped things. He is the reason I am writing, he is the reason I started this thread. I wanted to do something, something that would make people crack their ribs and I found Flow. Flow, tuale for you. You too much. I still be your boy for this game and na you know wetin I dey yan. Some people fit sow discord but na concrete our hearts be, e no fit grow. We dey learn as the matter be for life and na you be my instructor for this levels.

Vantee, Damex333, Doctured, Idris (Kiluminati), Gifteey, Beauty, Onoja, Onyiclassic, Dantrixy, Donifez, tracey, king Philip (u stil owe me beer o), Kida-Berry.... All of una na petrol una be. Even when I try give up, una push me. Some even help me kickstart the whole procedure. Them know themselves. Na them make the story no enter oblivion. Joshua Kalu (Past Exco. FCS Kazaure Chapter) I must call your name o. Who go believe say Albino (Me) go ever make you laugh?

Kano dudes, na una boy I be. Even though Boko pursue me, I no forget where |I comot from. Abuja, na una accommodate me o, una time dey come.

God bless y'all...


**Phew** Na me type all this many things? Na wa ooo.... No time sha... Una too much na im make [/b]

[quote author=Mermaid.of.life]LOoooooooL. I lve this guy :-D[/quote]I for collect the kiss o, but your moniker eh

We were all standing outside listening to Uduak boasting when we heard a knock on the gate of the house. We all paused while Haruna made to go and get the gate but Flow stopped him. He went to the gate himself, something he hardly does except when Uduak or Haruna was absent. The door screeched open while Flow stepped out of the gate. I wondered why he did not give way for the person to step into the house. Uduak's face had lightened up, I too was beginning to believe all his boast. He was pacing up and down the compound speaking some gibberish to himself.

"kpom.. abang... Si bom..."

Were the only words I could made out of what I termed an incantation. He was incanting some mysterious powers I believed. The gate opened again and Flow stepped in with someone, someone I had not seen in a long time. The same lady that had caused me trauma in my early life. The man with a p'u'ssy. She seemed to have grown taller than the last time I was cornered in her room. Her muscle appeared bigger too. I was too lost of words as Flow who was taller than me stood close to her and looked like Mysterio while she was "Great Khalil" now imagine how short and smallish Uduak will look like.

"Hello baby boo"

Jesus! Me? She still remembered my face and she was smiling that smile. The same smile that had shrunk my di'kc. I was moved to touch my di'ck subconsciously just to confirm that it was there.

"Hiiiiiii..."

Damn... My voice sounded like a woman. I had suddenly lost it.

"Muah"

She blew me a kiss. I caught the kiss and stepped on it, winking at her in the process. All this while Haruna was taking short steps backward until he got to the end of the compound before turning round and bailing out in hot speed like a demon just appeared out of hell and was chasing him.

"Waiyo allah... Ba zan kuma ba"
**I won't repeat it!!"

He was screaming while running, I was confused. I turned to look at Uduak who stood like trumpet had sounded and he missed heaven. I believe he just saw a vision of how the demons in hell look like. Flow who wore a serious face initially began smiling.

"Attai, you get condom?"

He asked me. What a question I mused.

"Them dey ask again? Na the factory dey supply me na"

I replied him. I did not wait for him to ask before dashing into the house and returning with 3 packs of condom. Uduak looked from me to Flow, from Flow to the demon who continued smiling. A dark cloud was already gathering in the sky and I knew it was sure going to rain cats and dogs inside Haruna's flat.

"That's him baby. He has been asking after you."

Flow pointed at poor Uduak.

"Take good care of him o"

Flow stressed on the "good care" like it was the last word he was going to say before dying.

****************************************************************************************

Gbammmm.... Gbummmm........... Darammmmmmm..........

"Abasi mbok!!!!!!!!!"

It was Uduak screaming. Haruna had returned, he joined Flow and I in listening to Uduak being tormented inside the room. I was already pitying Uduak but like the local proverb will always say: If your child should steal you fish, feed him more fish. That was exactly what Flow was doing to Uduak.

"Aya ya... Abasi oooo"

The voice sounded strangled. I was nearly pushed to open the door and save Uduak but held myself. Haruna was busy singing those melodic hausa songs that you play with a calabash guitar.

"Shege.... Dan burauba... Haba... Yan gan mace... Kuka... Waiyo... Zai mutu... Allah... Ya na kuka... Haba... Uduak... Durin mace zai kai ka aljana... Haba.."

Roughly translated...

"Bastard... Son of a diicckk.. ahhh... He has seen woman today... Crying... Woooo... He will die... I swear... He is crying.... Ahhh... Uduak... A woman's puss'y will lead you to paradise.. ahhh..."

Flow was laughing hard as we watched and listened to Uduak dying. I was already thinking of how his obituary will be written on his tombstone.

"There lies Peter Uduak, a great warrior who used his natural weapon until he was fallen in the field of battle by a greater weapon. Rest in Puss''ies till we meet to part no more"

Before I finished thinking, the door flew open, the giant babe running out, her panties worn halfway. She headed towards the gate in a great haste, flung it open and disappeared. She did it so fast none of us moved a muscle.

"Uduak iyaf die neh?"

Haruna asked a foolish question. I felt like punching him on the face.

"Uduak don die?"

Flow repeated after him. I wished I had a gun to send Flow too after Uduak.

"I dey kampe!!"

A voice shouted from inside. Uduak stepped out of the room, sweating with his phallus fully er.e.cted. I nearly screamed for his diicck was like that of an elephant. Long and fat. Seems all the height he was supposed to have concentrated on that spot. Haruna, Flow and I watched as Uduak walked round the compound smiling proudly to himself.

"Haruna, check the door"

Flow said as we stood still watching the display of Uduak.

"Oga, ashawo I no dey gate o but person say him dey look for him dog!!"

Uduak paused, our gaze at him. A dog had gone missing.


TO BE CONTINUED!!

"Wanan yaro shege ne walahi"
**This boy is a bastard**

Haruna cursed one Saturday morning as I stepped out of the house to collect vitamin K. The sun had come out earlier than usual giving the harmattan a warmth. Those that grew in Kano or core north will understand this illustration. When you wake up and realize that the sun is up, only one part of your compound is illuminated. What do you do? You walk towards the sunlight and squat underneath it, basking in its warmth while the wind of the harmattan rages around you.

"Haba malam Haruna, mai ya yi?"
**That's not fair haruna, what did he do**

I asked him, obviously interested in what the new boy would do since he had been keeping much to himself.

"Da safen nan, da na tashi daga baci, na bude ido na na gan wai yana taba buran sa."
**I woke up this morning to see this dude touching his diickk"

Haruna paused, took the chewing stick he was eating ferociously out and pointed at Uduak who stood aside like a condemned thief.

"Ya na kallan jikin 'yar mata da basu sa riga ba a wani litafi"
**He was looking at nu-de women in a book**

I was not in the least bit surprised. A calabar man that eats dog on a daily basis should definitely display its trait at any given opportunity.

"Uduak, is it true?"

I asked him, his head was hung down while his small body moved from side to side as he played with his toes. He was a small boy after all wanting to discover himself. There was a movement behind me which made me to turn around, Flow was coming out of the house with a bottle of Alomo in one hand and a glass cup in the other. It looked strange to see Flow drinking alomo in the morning.

"Na so the boy dey always do for backyard na, no be once no be twice."

Flow said shaking his head. I collected the bottle from Flow and gulped down from it, smacking the bitterness all over my lips while thinking deep. Since the boy watches nake''d women, then we were safe. If it had been Haruna coming to meet me so early in the morning with a bleeding ars''e, it would have been a different case study.

"Uduak, you don fu''k before?

I asked him. The question seemed to startled him. Flow gave a low laugh as we waited for him to give us an answer.

"Yes oo, me na champion for bedematics. I don go marathon with 5 girls without any problem. Na the girls come dey beg me."

He boasted, pushing his grasshopper chest forward to make him appear bigger.

"That means you sabi fukk well well be that"

Flow asked so as to be sure we heard the right thing.

"Na me be king Solomon for ikot-ekpene (apologies to my akwa-ibom and calabar brothers)."

This time he lifted his tiny hand to beat on his tiny chest. I looked at the smallish being in front of me, a wicked thought creeping slowly into my head. I looked at Flow who smiled and sipped from the bottle of alomo, the cup he held being useless. He passed me the bottle which I gulped with relish. I made to pass it to Uduak.

"No o Oga, I like to dey use my ordinary energy."

Wow. We were taken by surprise. Haruna had to laugh as he had been restraining himself. His laugh came in short burst.

"Oga walahi, this boy I no dey fear fa. I dey form boss for here"

Haruna dropped his discombobulated grammar. I had to laugh.

"Haruna, you go allow am use your room?"

I asked Haruna since he owned the flat they were both using.

"Oga, no frovlem walai, I go give am for 'maganin buran tashi' if im want walai"
**maganin buran tashi = hausa Viagra**

Haruna replied smiling sheepishly. Flow was already dialing a number on his phone.

"Babe, can you come over. Okay.. in an hour's time... alright... Come prepared o.. Owk... Take care."

He dropped the call, he faced Uduak, his once smiling face contorted.

"Na men dey this house. You go prove your worth or we go send you go back go meet Alhaji."

Flow's voice sounded like iron. I never knew he took the whole boastfulness of Uduak serious. Uduak on his part pushed his tiny chest forward. He sure had guts I concluded. Something big was about to go down.



CONTINUING IMMEDIATELY!!!

The rock5555: My turn don reach?

Your turn don reach oo...


A goooaaaallll!

I'm so happy Naija won the game o... See jungle fever wey catch me.

Baba God... Eshe oooo

A goooooaaaalllll!!!!!

bufness: walai na God save me 4 church 2day,I knw no aw usher no catch,maybe I'm tink say na d pastor preachinq I dy laf 2...u quys rock jawe

Hell fire real o. No be me go lead you there sha..:p

T gold: Flow, Foxy n The rock, U guyz re under arrest...... 4 attempt murder, U almost got me killed but have broken all ma ribs.... Av bin hospitalized 4 d damages u caused ma ribs.......... In Case I die, Y'all will be charged 4 Murder case, bt nw na still attempt Murder......

U hav d right to remain silent, coz anytin u say, will be used against ya, in d court of Law.

Never die yet. More story still dey..

Back home but need to charge this phone wella..

We shall continue after church. Make I bath come dey go church.

Kidda Berry, I see you. Bufness, Kiluminati, Vantee, The rock, onyi classic, walai... I need to use a PC to acknowledge you guys. This I shall do tomorrow.

Na una make me no give up o. The moderator been frustrate me. I just dey dish out update once in a while because of some help. The story no die. I am back fully. Expect updates like never before.


Happy Sunday pals!!!

We turned simultaneously to see the bearded face of Alhaji Dankwambo smiling. All my days with him I had not seen him smile but that singular act of smiling changed everything. It was better for him not to smile. Smiling made him uglier than ugly itself.

''Reporting Sir''

We said smartly before Alhaji frowned and became a little less ugly.

''You are welcome boys''

His voice still had that icy feel.

''O boy, this man no dey change?''

Flow asked as Alhaji kept staring at our faces. It was like the man wanted to enter our souls. If he should succeed, what he will find there would make him denounce coco business. Flow would have been harbouring the spirit of ''agberoism'' while he would have seen the spirit of ''Landlordaughterism'' in me.

''Where is the package?''

He asked, smiling again. I nearly shouted,

''Alhaji, would you fvcking frown you ugly face into its regular pattern?''

But my mouth refused moving. Flow handed the package to him and right there in front of us, he pressed the button and 'clicked' it opened. Flow and I exchanged glances. Money, foreign currency stared back at us. My finger which was folded neatly behind me danced, itched, screaming to be free.

''You guys did a good job. You have proven yourself worthy.''

''Thank you sir''

We replied in unison.

''You are discharged.''

He said but not without giving us a bundle each. He handed our ATM cards back to us. Alhaji had given us back a huge chunk of our lives back.

''See as una dey smile like fish''

Uduak commented as we stepped out of Alhaji's spacious office.

''Taaasssss''

Flow had landed a hot slap on his face.

''Yeehhhhhhhh''

Uduak shouted falling back. We turned but heard something vibrating vigorously behind us. We turned to see Uduak forming on the mouth, his white part of the eyeballs showing.

''Flow, you don kill person oo''

I shouted silently not wanting Alhaji to know.

''I no kill am o, him don die, I just complete the process.''

Flow replied. My stomach vibrated, my anus twitched and...

''Prapapapapa''

Flow had ducked cos he was expecting it. Seemed my secret weapon followed me from Lagos down to Kano. Uduak who was vibrating suddenly became silent. A stupid smile playing on his lips. I looked at him and then back at Flow who was standing up slowly, a nose guide already in place on his nose.

''Thank you for saving me Attai''

Me? How? When? That fart was supposed to complete the process.

''I have epilepsy which attacks me anytime''

So that was epilepsy in display. I looked at Flow who looked back.

''Piannnn''

If you watch tom and jerry then you will understand. We left our shadow and disappeared sharply from there. Legend has it that epilepsy can infect you when the epileptic patient farts. I had farted healing to him, I don't want him to fart sickness back.

''You mess na wa o. Make e no give Alhaji heart attack''

Flow said to me as soon as I started the car. I looked to my rear view mirror to see the angel that had been tormenting my sleep walk past. Flow looked at me, I am sure he had noticed the daze look I carried.

''I dey come''

I said to Flow and stepped out. I adjusted my tuxedo and walked to her.

''Ange...''

Now read this in slow motion.

She turned slowly, the wind raising her hair dancing in the wind. Her dovey eyes opened wide, her lips curved into a smile. Her breath pushed her breeast up a little bit. Her hips in full view.

''...lll''

Now read this fastly.

Gboa, the earth became void and formless, i saw my self walking on streets of gold. Gboom!! I landed on my back. The move had been so swift I did not catch it.

''I miss you too.''

She said slowly, laughing at me she turned round and walked away.

''Attai, landlord swear for you neh?''

Flow spoiled my day dreaming. He passed his hand, I held it and stood up. We were going to paint the town blue.


**********************************

''Oga Attai. Una get am for visitor''

Haruna said to me. He stepped aside to reveal Uduak smiling.

''Good morning sir. Alhaji said I should give you this.''

Flow who had appeared in behind me because I had shouted when I saw Uduak, collected the file.

''Attai, na our P.A be this o''

I looked at the smiling Uduak and hated the job for the first time.

''Him say make we lay low dey work for office till the next consignment.''

I looked at Flow and hated him for the first time.

''Alhaji said I should move in with you.''

I looked at Uduak and hated him for the second time.

''Oga, make I dey go''

I looked at Haruna and liked him for the first time.

''Haruna, carry Uduak follow body. Him na your room mate.''

Haruna look like he had eaten cockroach. He had no choice. We were the boss.



TO BE CONTINUED...

Typing...

Good night y'all. Updates continues tomorrow morning.




Thanks for reading and your comments. I don't ignore your comments o. Please keep them coming. A special thanks to Vantee and The Rock555. You guys are great. Thank you.

To oga Flow... I still be your boy. Nothing go fit seperate us. Our collabo have come to stay.

''All this plenty food, Flow no kill yourself oo''

I shouted so as to be heard. My mouth was stuffed too with bread, the taste of fresh quality bread is far different from the agege bread Kareem fed us with.

Breakfast - Agege bread and akara

Lunch - Agege bread and beans

Dinner - Agege bread and papa.

The first time I did this combination, I was inside ther God forsaken toilet for over an hour without shit coming out. I pushed and pushed but each time the shit wants to come out, I would feel like someone is tearing my rectum apart. I had to leave the toilet when it seemed the the toilet was shitting on me. That day Flow and Kareem slept outside for they would have died in their sleep from the smell emanating from my body.

''Attai, take am easy o''

Flow shouted when I took the last bread. Haruna had bought 5 fresh breads. Flow ate two while I ate three. At the end of our breakfast we sat lazily at the dining doing belching competition.

''O boy, when we dey go see Alhaji?''

Flow asked me.

''Ehen, I don remember, that box no gree open o''

I said to Flow as I dipped my finger into my mouth to move bread crumbs that had stuck to my teeth. This I proceeded to lick off.

''Na because of you Alhaji say make General change the combination. Him believe you die.''

''Na wa o. Alhaji greedy o''

I had not finished making the statement when Flow's phone rang. He looked at the phone lazily. It was lying on the settee some steps away from the dining.

''Attai, abeg pass me that phone''

He said. I turned my white eyes into red and looked at him.

''We be colleagues. I no be your junior brother.''

I replied him.

''If na money sef, I no get tell you o''

Flow said as he lazily got up from the chair he was sitting on.

''Flow, you be pikin? Why you dey hide ball inside your cloth na?''

Flows stomach was looking like a 4 months pregnant woman.

''No, na your head I hide there.''

He replied, not even looking at me for once. It got me infuriated. I stood up at once but something else pulled me down. My stomach.

''Attai.. You swallow that ashawo?''

Flow asked me incredulously.

''Na your mouth I taje swallow am''

I replied him. My stomach felt like I was hiding stones inside. I prayed the stones don't tear me open.

''Alhaji say make we report o''

Flow said to me as he answered the call. He dragged himself down, holding his stomach close. I wished I was a doctor at that moment.

''Make we dey go na.''

I said to Flow immediately not minding my stony stomach.

''Oya na.''

Flow replied. Moments later we were on our way to works layout. The wind blew on my face, the whole place looked like it was missing me. I was back home.

''Put your eye glasses on Attai. Make those boys know say we jusy dey come back from mission''

Flow said to me. We were both dressed in black tuxedos. The black sun shades would make us look like Men in Black. I would have been Tommy Lee is not for my big head. Flow acting Will Smith would have been totally off. He could end up sleeping with all the crew members.

''Pom pom''

Flow honked once and waited. I stood waiting for the head with a skull cap to appear but I saw nothing. I looKed at Flow. He sat down, once of his hands on the will, the other on the gear while he twisted his mouth in a manner which only him could feel as sexy.

''Blow that horn again o''

I said and waited for the reaction of the gate. It slided open and ushered us into the mansion. The same place we had been learning the business of coco dealing.

''Oga Attai and Flow. I dey welucom oo''

The skull capped wearing gateman who sat very far from the gate greeted.

''Why you no dey your post?''

Flow asked. In response, the gateman wave a remote. The house had been upgraded to security 9.0.

''Make we go deliver this thing sharpaly as I still get business for this town.''

I said to Flow who stopped greeting people and marched with me to Alhaji's office.

''You guys are welcome''

A male voice different from the other secretary greeted us. I looked at Flow. Alhaji had sure done a lot. He was nowhere in his agenda to allow security breach.

''My name is Flow. 1759 is my nickname. His name is Attai. Alomo is his nickname.''

I wondered why he introduced me. The dude did not even smile. He just shook his small head.

''I know who you guys are.''

I stopped myself from drawing out a gun.

''I am Peter. But you call al me Uduak.''

He concluded. Me and Flow looked at ourselves. Uduak Peter, the new secretary? I just knew it was a matter of days before the knew secretary will escape for his life. We sure were gonna torment him.

''Uhm.. Uhm''

The unmistaken voice of Alhaji coughed.






TO BE CONTINUED!!!

''Noooooo!''

I shouted and jumped up. My heart was beating 50 times the normal beat.

''Attai... You stupid o''

I turned around. Flow was lying there on the bed close to me. I shouted and gave him a tight hug.

''You don craze finish o. E be like say Oga landlord don do you charm''

I laughed. I had never been so happy to see Flow. I looked at his scared face, the same place he had collected a punch for me.

''Flow, you know say me and you na brothers ba?''

I asked him. He looked at me confusingly.

''Na true walai. Landlord swear for you. Open your preek make I see.''

He said stretching his hands towards me. I jumped back.

''Even if landlord swear for me, e no mean say I turn gay na.''

I shouted at him. He smiled at stood up from the bed, his ar''se stark na''ked.

''Eh, Flow... Wetin be this?''

I touched my buttocks to make sure everything was safe. For Flow to sleep naked was strange.

''Haruna!''

I was shocked. What was Haruna doing in Lagos. Flow could have caught some kind of madness after the hot chase from the Landlord.

''I dream say Danfo jam you''

He stopped in his tracks. He was pulling his boxers up.

''How danfo wan carry jam me for Kano?''

He asked what I thought was a stupid question.

''Just dey careful o because I leave you dead body run''

I replied him.

''Na wetin make you dey call me your brother now now?''

Flow asked another question.

''No, na because of say na the same mama born us.''

I replied him. He looked at me like he wanted to punch me. The distance between us seemed to discourage him.

''Even if your mama adopt me, I go reject am''

My own sweet mother.

''Na person wey get mama know as e dey sweet''

I taunted him. He just shook his head again and screamed.

''Haruna!!! Where that aboki sef''

I was finally convinced.

''Flow, e be like the swear wey landlord swear for me, na you e catch.''

I said and stood up. The bedsheet fell to the ground, my ugly pen'is coming into view. I screamed like it was not my own.

''Flow, wetin you use my preek do?''

I asked.

''Attai, your questions don too much. We don come back kano. Na ashawo do your preek anyhow.''

He replied.

''Me? Ashawo? How? When? Why''

I asked him five questions at the same time.

''Na your papa go answer all this many questions?''

He answered my question with a question.

''No, na you''

I was in no mood to argue.

''You sleep through out the journey. Nothing wey I no do to wake you up. Make you wake up, for where. But as we reach we I pick ashawo them for Ahmadiyya road, na you first start to dey fuccck inside car. Even the drinks wey I buy sef, na you finish them''

He paused to catch his breath.

''Na so so talk you just dey talk for your sleep. E make dem the ashawos run no collect money.''

He concluded. My mouth was wide open as I stared at him. Whatever he was talking about sounded alien to me. I fVckked without actually knowing it. Now that part was painful.

''Oga Flow, I dey parlour.''

Haruna shouted from the living room. Flow stepped outside the room while I ran into the shower to take my bath. My head felt heavy and legs wobbled like a drunken giant. The whole room did not change, it only looked cleaner. Seems Haruna took care of it very well. I turned the shower on and closed my eyes allowing the water to wash away sleep and tiredness from my eyes.

***********************

''Food don ready o''

Flow shouted as I stepped out. My eyes caught the black suitcase where the money received from the general was kept.

''Flow.. I dey come''

I shouted back. I walked cautiously towards the box like it housed a bomb. Picking the box up I dropped it gently on the table close to the bed. My heart was pounding as I gently clicked the button to open the box. There sure would be no harm taking some of the business money for us. I forgot about rule no. 5. ''Always deliver the cash intact. Life and money don't go together''.

''Click.. Click...''

The button refused to give way. I tried it severally until I gave up. I dropped the suitcase and headed towards the living room.

''Flow, that mumu box no wan open o... E be like that general...''

I stopped mid-sentence. Flow was seated on the dining, munching away at a big loaf of bread, a bowl of thick tea close to him. On a flat china laid scrambled egg and jam. My salivary gland was instantly activated. I was dead hungry.

Lagos na bastard!!!



TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Updates coming shortly...