₦airaland Forum

Yesterday I made a post about how I feel my wife
isn’t really adding value to my life.

https://www.nairaland.com/8631753/wife-isnt-adding-value-life

A lot of people attacked me in the comments, asking how I could expect a woman who gave birth to two children in three years to start working.
But let me clear something up.

When I said we had two children, I was only referring to the number of kids in the house. In reality, we have one son who is 2 years old, and my wife’s niece who lives with us. She’s about 12 years old, and that’s the second child I mentioned in the previous post.

Before we got married, we talked about her having her own business. She even chose something she said she was passionate about — makeup and beauty. I supported her and paid almost ₦400k for her to learn the skill at the time.
After we got married, I even opened a shop for her so she could start the business. But around that same time she got pregnant and said she couldn’t manage the shop because of the pregnancy. I understood and supported her.

Even with that, I still paid the rent for the shop for another 1 year and 6 months, just to make sure she had enough time to eventually start when she was ready.

After she gave birth, another issue came up. She said the shop was too far and she couldn’t be carrying the baby there. At that time the baby was around 6–8 months old.

So I suggested something simple: whenever I’m home, she can leave the baby with me and go to the shop. Her niece was also around, so the two of us could look after the baby.
Eventually she started going.

Before leaving she would bathe the baby and then head out. While she was gone, I took care of everything — feeding the baby, making sure he slept, watching over him. I didn’t complain because he’s my son too. I just wanted to make sure she had peace of mind to focus on the business.
Since she wasn’t making any money yet, I even gave her ₦4,000 transport money every day to support her (the distance was about 20 minutes at most)

But she didn’t even last one month before she stopped going.
Her reason was that the place wasn’t moving. Mind you, this was a very busy and popular place in town.
I encouraged her and told her business needs consistency. Customers don’t just appear overnight.
Then she complained about not having a signage, saying people couldn’t easily notice the shop. I paid for a proper signage for her.
Still… nothing changed.
Eventually she just stayed home until the shop rent expired, even though she still had about four months left on the rent when she stopped going.
Later she said she wanted to start selling women’s clothes from the house. Again, I supported her and gave her money to start.
Three months later… nothing came out of it.
At that point I was honestly frustrated and told her I wasn’t going to keep giving money for new businesses again.
Since then she has basically stayed at home doing very little. Most of the day she’s pressing phone. She cooks sometimes, yes, but even taking care of our son is mostly done by her niece.
My son even started school in September, so he’s no longer a baby that requires full-time attention.
Sometimes I even do my own laundry because she doesn’t really handle much in the house.
So honestly I keep asking myself… what exactly is her role in this marriage?
Another thing that worries me is this: what if something happens to me tomorrow? How would the family survive if she has no income or any drive to do something?
I’ve tried talking to her many times. She will act serious in the moment and promise to change, but after some time she just goes back to the same routine.
About a year ago I went through a very difficult financial period. A bad business deal left me in debt and I had to sell my car, something I really didn’t want to do. That was one of the lowest points of my life.
But during that period she didn’t really offer me any support.
Recently she told me she needs a new phone that costs almost ₦700k.
And honestly I just sat there thinking…
When things were good, I never complained about providing. But the economy now is very hard. Fuel alone is around ₦1,250 per litre as I’m writing this.
At this point, I’m honestly just tired.

I've been married for 3 years now with 2 kids, I try my best to take care of my family but the economy has become very bad so it's no longer possible to take care of a family of 4 on just 1 income.
When I had money, I setup a business for my wife because I want her to be engaged and also she can support with whatever she has from the business, but after a year the business crumbled with no results to show (she gave many excuses on why she can't continue the business), even after that I've tried engaging her on other endeavors but she's not always serious.

Now she does nothing, she just presses phone and play games all day long, all the responsibilities are on me, basically everything from school fees, feeding, house rent to buying a cube of Maggi.

I've tried talking to her several times but she will pretend to be serious and goes back to default settings, I'm tired and its really talking a tole on me, sometimes I just get angry at her for no reason and I don't even want to come home.

It's not the fact the she's staying home that's the issue, its the fact the she's not showing any effort to try and do something. I'm tired because all the money I make is being used for feeding and running the house, I can't even save or even think about buying properties

That's why as I'm here now, what ever I'm doing, I'm doing for my old age o.

My children have their life to live, me I still get my own to live too

Guys have you had a problem that made you sell your car before?

Please share your experience

Sonnobax15:

Sell it bro....

Anything that doesn't give you peace of mind and is equally affecting your finances should be considered a red flag and should be cut ties with...

As a matter of fact, I'm personally having similar issues with my Keke and as I'm typing this,it's already for sale and there's no amount of advice anybody will give to me that will make me have a change of mind......Cuz I'm the one who's on that shoes,and I know how heavy it has been for me.....so I'm letting it go , without having a second thought.

So far the car isn’t giving me any issues, it's just that I have urgent need for money and I also have a family to feed

PlasmaTV:
So sorry about your predicament, chief.
The inflation is unbelievable.

Have you thought of applying for Uber or bolt as a source of extra income?

The challenge with selling the car is that if you sell it, you'll have an influx of cash which, if not properly managed, will finish faster than you anticipated.

My car is not something I can use for bolt because of the fuel consumption, I've thought about it before but it won't be profitable for me

I bought a car last year and now things has been really rough for me, and the worst part of it all is that I'm in debt of almost a million naira,

I'm married and all my money goes to expenses in feeding, I can't save, and business has been bad this period.

I'm thinking of selling My car, to pay off my debts and probably use the other money to reinvest in my business. (this is a business I can make up to 800k or more monthly)

Right now I don't what to think, my son will soon start school, and my rent will also expire very soon.

So I'm thinking of selling the car and using it to invest in my business

Tit4Tat1:
It's always like that.. Try something new with ur spouse, go on vacations, play and joke as often as you can.. Just try to have some fun and see the spike coming back into your marriage

Vacation costs money, that one join wetin dey stress man sef

JAOS:
Is it financial issues you are having?

Omo it's not even about financial issue, I feel it's not just worth it

I've been married close to 4 years now with a 2 year old boy, but marriage isn't what I envisioned it to be.

Like the said, if marriage was renewable every 5 years, I wouldn't even bother. I feel like I'm losing myself to this thing called marriage, aside from the responsibilities that comes with providing, the mental and psychological stress.

I've never been this stressed in my life and I'm someone who's usually able to handle a lot of stress, I just feel like I need time alone from everything and everyone, no calls, no text. Nothing.

And my wife even makes it worse with threats of leaving the marriage over any small issue. I think the biggest mistake of my life is getting married and I know a lot go men go through this to but they can't talk.

And that's why a lot of men die young these days.

Continuation from my last post [url] https://www.nairaland.com/7977932/2-year-old-marriage-shaking [/url]

I told her today that she should never use marriage to threaten me and if she’s tired she should leave . I told her I won’t be the first man to get divorce and I won’t be the last .

I told her that the day I hear that word that she should just get out of my house . She has packed her bags and she’s leaving . I just told her I was tired of her using our marriage as a tool for blackmail and that she should go if she wants to go .


She said she’s tired and she’s leaving tomorrow, she has already packed her bags .

I know I’m not perfect but as couples we should always solve our marital problems as long as it’s not domestic violence (I’ve never laid hands on her before), instead of threatening to quit at every little opportunity.

I’m really fed up

Jewessgratitud3:
To you what you're doing is right so you can never see any wrong in what you're doing.

Have you tried looking into all she raised about your character? No. Because you feel you're Mr perfect.

Have you tried to listen and obey her for once to see if she would reduce her controlling attitude?

What man would leave his pregnant wife and go out to take pepper soup and one bullet to the point it now becomes a habit? And you say it's only one bullet. Is one bullet not enough to make you reek of alcohol? No woman wants a man smelling of alcohol every day to come near her. you too check it.. if it's once in a while fine, but everyday? Nah . She's pregnant and any emergency can arise while you're away. Who would rush her to the hospital? Try and see things from her own angle and you'll understand her reason for complaining.


She loves you that is why she likes you to be around her always. A woman who doesn't love you will not care whether you died or lived. So complaining about your constant absence simply shows she misses you and you giving her a cold shoulder makes it look like you don't care or miss her enough to want to be with her. why then did you marry her if you know you're not going to be keeping her company?

If we listen to her own side of the story now, it will be a case of married but lonely. Keep her company and see her change to loving wife.

Did you even read what I wrote ? I stay home from Monday to Saturday, I don’t go anywhere cus I work from home . I only go out on Sundays just to relax and watch football , mind you she has her sister with her in the house so she’s not alone . So the only time on Sunday that I go out I can’t ? When you marry turn ur own husband to boy boy

Yes we wedded in a church

immortalcrown:
The bolded can't be the reason you dated for 3 months. I know the quality of marriage isn't determined by the duration of courtship. Some can date for less than a month and the marriage will peacefully last for a lifetime. Some can date for 10 years but the marriage will end within a year. But my point is what you gave as your reason for dating for 3 months sounds illogical.


This red flag is so clear. Did you wed her in a Church? If yes, try your best to diligently play your own part in keeping the marriage vow of "For better for worse". But if you didn't wed her in a Church, the earlier you leave is the better for you because it is not good to postpone an evil day.

My marriage is 2 years old now , me and my wife didn’t date very long before we got married (like 3 months) this was because I’m a man who believes in having my family early and there’s nothing more important to me than my family.

My wife is heavily pregnant and almost ready to put to bed anytime soon. The issue now is that my wife has become very controlling, I saw these signs early in our marriage but Ignored them because I want our marriage to work, The biggest turn off for me is a controlling woman .

My wife comes from a broken home , the father left she was was little , I don’t really know why the dad left her mom and till date the reason why her dad left is a very flimsy excuse ( said the mom was buying properties without his consent ) , so right now the children hate the father. I have advised my wife severally to reach out to the father and ask what really happened that made him leave his family because I feel there’s something else to it , but she refused because the mom has taken the children to her side .

Now in our own marriage she wants to be in control, she doesn’t want me to go out , even when I tell her where I’m going she isn’t satisfied.

So recently I started going out on Sundays because throughout the week I’m usually at home and these days I’m usually stressed out , so I like to go out and relax on my own .
there's a spot I usually go to watch football matches every Sunday, I told her I was going yesterday to watch match and she told me I’ve turned it into an habit to be going out everyday , I asked her can’t I go out ? And her reply was “ What’s the wrong with you ? Why would you answer me like that” I became angry and told her that anytime I want to leave the house she always has a problem with it even before she became pregnant. Most times she always wants to go with me. We have quarreled severally about it , she don’t want me to go out , she wants me to be home on time , she always call me to know where I am or what I’m doing even when I’m in a business meeting. She recently told me she regrets marrying me and I still try to wonder what I did for her to say that. She said I come home reeking of alcohol every time I go out , calling me a drunkard . When I go out I only drink pepper soup and 1 black bullet. People outside who hear her will think I usually come home staggering drunk


And another attitude of hers is that she’s ready to leave the marriage at anytime, she doesn’t care
Any little things she will say “ I will just leave this marriage “. When me as a man I don’t even see leaving the marriage as an option.

She want to control my every move , when I want to do something and I tell her about it , she wants me to do it her own way and I’ve told her severally that it won’t be possible for me to do everything she says .
She also believes we are both equal and anything I do she also can do. Mind you I haven’t had sex with another woman in 2 years so it’s not a case of cheating.

I don’t know if it’s the family she grew up in where a woman is the head and now she wants to bring it into our marriage and also treat me like her elder brother who they even dictate the kind of girl he follows .


So I’m just trying to make things work out for the sake of our marriage and our baby but if she doesn’t change then I’m done.

I don’t know if I should speak to her mom about it or just lock up

LeeSmart:
Op that house wey u de stay, na ur inlaws get am abi na ur house? Because i no understand dis one wey all of una de stay for desame house oo.
It seems like from ur story u're newly married.

No, we went to her mum’s side that night. She wanted me to go to crossover service with them and I already told her in the morning that I wasn’t going , she became angry and told me I’ve changed .

I believe it’s how it’s how I started the relationship that’s why this is happening

I always heard that women were manipulative but I didn’t experience it until I got married.
My wife isn’t a bad person, in fact she’s a wonderful woman but I noticed that she develops this cold attitude towards me anytime I don’t dance to her tune most time

Recently she told me I’ve changed because I refused to go and pray with her and her mom and siblings. I told them I wasn’t interested in their prayers, it was new year eve. I told her I wasn’t going to cross over with her and her siblings , she was very angry.
She claims I’m too stubborn that I don’t listen to her , even when I try to tell her something new about my business , sometimes she will try to kill the idea and want me to do it her own way , so I stopped telling her about my business.

Another instance was when I told her that as a man I needed some time alone with my friends, because anytime I go out , she’s always calling me even when I’m in meetings. I got angry about and we quarreled about the issue . I work from home so I don’t go out a lot . I only go out maybe once throughout the week to either play football , hangout with friends but she’s always calling me , so after the quarrel she became very cold towards me .

There are other instances I can’t mention here where she has tried to label me bad because I didn’t agree to what she wants.

I now see that men who women label as good men are those that listen and act on their every whim but if you are a man who doesn’t like to listen to her and try do your own thing sometimes , you’ll become a bad person.


I Think this is how women are in general

ObaKlaz:
Then block her. I block certain people before they can even search and find me.

She'll just create a new account and search for me

ObaKlaz:
No need calling her over anything. Just block her everywhere on social media and maintain zero communication with her.

I wonder why you still have her on social media though, after that sort of acrimonious breakup.

I don't have her. She searched for me on Instagram

I posted this topic last year about my ex

https://www.nairaland.com/7496982/ex-stalking-me-wife-social#119443340

This morning I woke up to an Instagram notification that she just liked my photo.

This is someone I broke up with because of her attitude and she started raining curses on my, telling me I'll never prosper or become anything good.
Fast forward 2 years down the line, my wife is pregnant with our first child, my business is doing very well, I'm about buying my first car.

My question is why can't she move on, from time to time she'll pop up on social media trying to search for me or my wife.

I'm thinking of calling her and warning her

We got married last year, after the traditional marriage my wife did her genotype and found out she was AS( I was also AS) there was nothing we could do because we were already married. Currently she's 5 months pregnant with our first child and we were even about to go for prenatal testing to find out the genotype of the child.
So she recently started ante natal at another hospital and they did genotype test for her and it came out AA.
We were very happy because we were already having sleepless night about the whole genotype issue.

It's recommended to check your genotype with at least 2 different hospitals to confirm

Akasammyoka:
At the end, you never achieved anything globally. What is there to celebrate madam.

Why are you so bitter?

Bolt458:
I am not writing this for religious people to come with their funny talks, I am just putting this out here to hear from people who might have tried this methods or who heard about this methods and still proceeded or did not. I want to hear your experience. I have been dating someone for 5 years now, it happened that I began to see her as someone I would want to spend my life with. Last year we did our genotype test and we were both AS. Now , I know some of you will say this should be the first thing you ask when you meet someone but c’mon, would you say people in university that are dating now, would ask their sef that question? That theory is only feasible when you are single and ready to get married and want to start a new relationship, then you can always ask, but we all know some of our relationships started when we no Dey even see marriage in the nearest future, all of a sudden you just see them as the right person and you take the bold step. Now, I had to meet my family doctor here in Canada, I explained to him my current situation and he referred me to a GENETIC COUNSELOR. I am trying to take the necessary steps cause I am not ready to bring in a child with Sickle cell to this world, and I am not leaving anything to faith. A fone appointment was set with the counselor and we spoke at length. She told me that in every foetus, there is a 25% chance that we can get an SS child. Now , how do we mitigate this percentage to the barest minimum I asked as I am not even ready to bring in a sickler to this world. She gave me three options, I would rather say two because the last involves test when the baby comes, and that is out of the question.

Option 1:
A) CVS: They take a sample of the fluid in the womb through her vagina, at 12 weeks to test, if it’s good then fine, if not we have to terminate.

OR

B) At 16 weeks, they take the fluid using a needle directly from her womb, and if it’s SS , they terminate. Both procedures are cover by the government and we don’t need to pay a dime.

Now, she assured me that abortion is a very safe procedure if done properly, and it is even a bigger risk that one can die from a penicillin injection or carrying a pregnancy to term than any harm during an abortion.I know many people would come here and say abortion is this and that but let us be frank to ourselves. If you were told that the child in your womb would have cerebral palsy, or Down syndrome or a neurological disorder, would you still keep that pregnancy? Is there a 100% assurance that two AA people would give birth to a healthy baby? I have come to a realization that pregnancy is just a risk that people take, cus you really don’t know how your child would turn out.


Option 2:
PGD. This is just like IVF, where they would select the genotype before they insert back to the womb. She told me the government doesn’t cover this, and it could cost between $10K- $40k. However she mentioned, just like IVf, it is not guaranteed as it can fail and your money is gone.

I discussed this with my girl in Nigeria and she said she was fine with option 1a. I then asked her, that if the first, second are SS would she still remove it. She accepted. I would not lie to you, this girl is everything I want in a woman. I am not just looking at just love because I know love fades with time, but she is a really nice person, and has a good character. She has always been like this from my days in Nigeria because I was with her before I moved outside. Now after finding out our genotype, I tried to get into a relationship with AA. The first one Dey nigeria, she is a nice person, beautiful, but I just didn’t like her or feel attracted to her. She got tire and we just free ourselves, the second one is here in Canada, I just don’t like this one . Please note, I never slept with any of these ladies because I feel it’s not fair.


Now my question is for those who knew all this and still proceeded, how did it work out for you?

I repeat, don’t come here to tell me about how abortion is this and dat. Cus I know if they tell any of you that your child would be abnormal, 90% of you will go for the abortion

I and my wife are both AS and we planned to go for one of those 2 options when she gets pregnant. We have discussed with the doctor and she's OK with it. If you can afford the process you can go for it. Your choice though. Don't listen to people that will tell you that aborting an SS baby is a sin while they abort children everyday from their relationships.

PerfectStranger:
Who wan make money no serious? Oga na u no serious. Eat alone die alone

U Wan die with me before?

PerfectStranger:
So if you teach me how to make money,at the end of the day, is it ordinary 2k that i won't appreciate or even more?

U no serious

PerfectStranger:
Someone that makes such an amount every month still needs a peanut from a starter?

Money is never too much. If I charge 2k from 1000 people that 2 million.

Information doesn't come for free my man

PerfectStranger:
Oga how do you make roughly 500k to 800k per month? That's our real concern, drop update.

Nigerians too like free thing, if I say pay let me show u nw u will say I want to eat ur money.

TempUser:
You're quite SIMPle
You've spent that much and haven't bought yourself a car,wow!

Oh my gosh, awwn awwn.

Tell her say na broke you broke ,you no poor materially but you must be poor upstairs to stay with such a woman.

You're that SIMPle

Awwn awwn

I've decided not to by a car because a car is not an asset. Mumu

My wife and I recently had a fight, she snooped through my phone and saw chat I had with some girls though i don't have anything with them (I've promised myself not to do it again though)

During the quarrel she started insulting me, calling me a fool and a useless man, said that's why God has refused to bless me ( I took these insults because I was at fault)

I make roughly between 500 to 800k monthly( sometimes more)
I'm current opening a business for her in which I've spent more than 2 million.
We recently went on a vacation where I spent more than 900k
I don't have a car yet but I plan to get one before the end of the year
As a couple I think we are actually doing very well more than a lot of people, for the to say that God has blessed me makes me feel like she's not satisfied with my efforts and I feel she is measuring my success with other metrics other than what I'm striving for.
As I man I do my best to make sure my family is doing well. But I hate it when I feel I'm not appreciated.
She also said she gets tempted when guys try to talk to her outside.

With a population of over 200 million nigeria is actually one of the best places you can make money and become a millionaire if you know how to make money. As for me I can't leave nigeria because I've discovered how to use the large population to my advantage. There's money in this country.

Imagine you can provide a service worth 5000 naira to 50000 people, that's 250 million. And 50000 people is just 0.025 % of the population. It's easy to make money in nigeria

Only a useless man will be living with his parents between the ages of 32 to 39. No cap

Don't kill yourself because of your family, you have your own life to live and when you die now a few months later dem Don forget u.

viqSmallz:
If I may ask how much is the cost of testing?

300 to 400k