₦airaland Forum

dayokanu:
Before marrying I would tell/beg my wife NEVER to insult not to talk of fight my mom. You can fight me everyday but NEVER say a word of disrespect to my mom. Else the union is over in that very moment.

A wife can divorce you but my mom cant. She has always been there for me

this is serious oh, even if your mom provoked the insult? if your mom slaps your wife what do you expect her to do? what about if your wife doesn't insult/fight your mom but decides never to speak to her again?

Pogistega:
GL You speak as if you're not a Nigerian. Maybe you are'nt. Worse things happen here in Nigeria daily. Wives have been kicked out of their homes, to be replaced with house girls. Blood sisters have taken over marital beds, etc, etc. The point is, better results will be achieved, if a woman is as wise as a serpent but gentle as a dove.

i'm nigerian and i don't see this woman as wise, on the contrary i think she was foolish. why should a woman degrade herself and be treated with disrespect all because she want's to remain married to a lowlife cheat.

glue

shesi:
No woman will drive my mother out of my house. I will not entertain such thoughts at all. Now i am not unreasonable. I will not allow my mother to sit on my wife's neck. My wife should be able to make her own decisions abot how she raises her children and manages her home. My mother can offer advice. But if my wife chooses to ignore it, i wouldn't force her. But i will not drive my mother out of my house. Where should the old lady go?

it's very important that the mother-in-law knows the wife is still in charge, i think that what most wives are scared of is having the mother take over the house. also, the couple should present a united front when sorting out issues with the mother. she's more likely to comply if she feels her son is behind the idea.


to be honest, i've never imagined myself living with an extended family member. it's something i really have no experience of, and i'm not good at relating with extended family members. so i don't look forward to being in such a situation. but if it happens, i would discuss with the son and we'll agree what roles his mother can/cannot play in the family. and HE will find a way to relay it to her. i'm quite certain that i would have problems with people punishing/beating my kids, so that's one potentially troublesome issue we'll deal with.

is 'ibo' offensive or something? i always thought 'igbo' was a misspelling'.

ifyalways:
I never knew theres a tribe known as Ibos,Its Igbo babe.
@Topic,it might have originated from the bible,the Isrealites put on sackcloth and shave their heads anytime they were mourning.
I dont think its compulsory either.

the bible says something against people shaving their heads when mourning. i think it was one of the laws of moses

Rooneyboy:
I enjoy it so so much because i cant speak my native language

me too, sadly .

fingard02k:
Have you ever called them (your mother or your father) his real name?if yes lets share your experience.for of[b] i've tried but i cant[/b].have you tried b4 lets know

lol, me too. i went for an interview (secondary school) when i was 9 and the first question i was asked was my father's full name. i knew the answer but couldn't say because i was sitting between my parents and my dad was looking at me. so i lied that i didn't know his name, and started crying. they probably guessed i was embarrassed cos they didn't ask for my mom's full name.

MRbrownJAY:
my parents real names are Mum and Dad. i have always known them by that name and they havent got any other in MY world.

me too (actually it's Mummy & Dad). even when i'm talking to people who don't know my parents i always say 'my mum(my) or my dad'.

Bini, Hausa, Spanish, French

@ Pogistega,

the story is unrealistic. like iice said, in reality the new wife would take advantage of the first wife's kindness. even if the story were realistic, the only woman who can learn any lesson from this story is a very desperate one. why on earth would i want to stick with a man who had the guts to tell me he is bringing in a new wife. and even worse, was angry with his wife when the new wife left. what kind of a pastor gives such advice anyway? well, i say any woman who reacts that way deserves whatever she gets in the marriage.

@ poster,

you knew she was HIV positive before you started dating her, yet you went on to have an intimate relationship with her and even got engaged to her. so i guess you must really love her, if she loves you as much as you love her you guys should have a happy marriage. you should not ignore the HIV otherwise you'd be shortening both your lives. face up to it and seek counseling. both of you should join a support group or something like that. it would help to meet with people in your predicament regularly. also, you should redo the test in a few months because people don't test positive for several months after getting infected. the earlier you guys start getting treatment, the better for your marriage.

what about your family? do they know about her HIV status? i hope they wouldn't hate her for it? you should discuss this with your fiancee and she should be prepared for the worst once your family gets to know.

Skidoc:
But doctors are not rich people, are they? Definitely not in present-day Nigeria.

exactly. i've been wondering which doctors people are talking about, Nigerian doctors or doctors abroad. nigerian doctors don't earn much compared to other professionals who spend less years in school. so if women flock around nigerian doctors it's because of the prestige, not money. but in nigeria wealth brings the more prestige, rich illiterates are more celebrated than intelligent doctors. i guess some girls fantasize about marrying doctors when they're young, but when rich traders start flashing $$$ they leave the doctors. that's probably why nigerian male doctors marry late.

i think why some female doctors want to marry doctors is they spend most of their adult lives in medical school/hospital and by the time they have stable careers (late twenties - early thirties) they're out of tune with the outside world.

@ Nene,
i'm also in medical school but i've never wanted to marry a doctor, i don't want to be in the same profession. and as someone pointed out a dr. husband + dr. wife = nanny mommy. I've always wondered when female doctors get married and raise kids. i know some take several years off after medical school to raise a family, i don't think i can do that. and about specialties, ER doctors work long hours especially during residency. also, those specialties that pay very much tend to attract lawsuits (like anesthesiology). i think that if you're going to have a good medical career and a family, you should have either a spouse who works regular hours (or stays at home) or a nanny-mother.

plum

vivaladiva:
ehen i watched this naija movie, this mother had been pestering her son to get married, he finally did. after marriage mama comes to stay wiv them( which i dont understand , cos as a newly wed i wld wnt to spend time alone wiv my husband and sleep with every where possible in the house, while howling like a were wolf during a full moon) any way mama comes to stay oooo and sudenly turns in to wat u can only discribe at the B-i-t-c-h from the hottest part of hell, one day wifey was like mama your food is ready come and eat, mama is like no i dont want to eat ( rather nastily0 wifey goes haba mama ave prepared your fav food, come and eat please, mama is like i said i dont want to eat, mama come and eat now, na him mama dash wifey one hot slap, i said i dnt want to eat r u deaf ( actually i wasnt b4 the slap lol)
o boy e, i vex like dog wey get rabbies, oboy if my moda inlaw slap me, b4 her son come back i go don re.arrange her anatomy, by the time her pikin come back she go dey mess from nose, see wiv her anus,breath frm her arm pit etc

lwkmd    i would be mad in that situation also, i probably won't beat her up but i might insult her. and i doubt that i'll ever have a good relationship with such a woman afterwards.

vivaladiva:
@gl, i just had a baby and bliv me i adore her gorgeous little face to bits, but that doesnt give me the right to dictate to make her life miserable
this is the problem right here, many mother inlaws of today r frm very unhappy homes, it sudnt come as a surprise to know that many of them went thru a similar fate at the hands of their own mother inlaws, so the solution 4 them is to make their own daughter inlaws life miserable, the mentality being, after all i endured the same thing at the hands of my own mother inlaw, y sud she have an easy ride,
but then again some women r just weaklings, because they r so eager to be called mrs this, they resort to eye service to win over their moda inlaws to be, b4 marriage u will see them goin to mama's house to wash her plate, sweep her house, wash her pant, lick her yansh, go to the market, smile when they r not suppose to, ah mama dont worry u don poo abi, no worry i go come clean your yansh, u knw i love your son and i so desperately want to marry him, as u can see i am wife materia from a to z, inshort slap me and see, i will just smile and ask u if your ready to eat now
so there u go hypocrisy and eye service na him go kill all of una, now wey u don marry her pikin u no wan clean her yansh again, y , me i dont do pretence and i dont do eye service and i sure as hell am not licking any womans yansh because i want to marry her son, if u no like me carry ya pikin go, it is nt by force to marry oooo and i wont trade my pride, sanity and peace of mind for marriage
come to my house and over stay your welcome, u no dey look face i resemble who u fit boss about for street talk less of my own house

though i don't have a problem with a live-in mother-in-law, i won't be bossed around in my own home. so if she tries to make my life miserable, [i]then [/i]we would have problems. i'm not even the kind of person that a husband or mother-in-law would ask to wash pants/clean yansh/sweep anyway. however, i like to think that there are many mothers who want their children to have even better/happier homes than they did.

Outstrip:
Oh please. Give me a break. So because you do your job as a mother means that you should not let someone else live their life the want? Be about something for heaven's sake. Do something for yourself. Don't sit around and clean and cook all day and have no other interests but your children. It is people like this that become a problem later. This mother in law does not seem ill to me and I have countless of older women in my family that now I am starting to understand why they preferred to stay in the village than live with my aunties and uncles. They have things they enjoy doing in the village. They have their own lives. What if the woman's mother decides to come and stay there too? If they are both okay with it then fine, if the woman needs to be taken care of and he is an only child then fine but that is not the case here.
I hope you are not planning to go and sit in your own children's house one day. I swear people need to start interviewing not just their prospective sons or daughters in law but their mothes also. If they seem like the kind that have nothing to do with their time then they should advice their children to look else where. Why should you have the mindset of being entitled to something because you struggled to raise your children. Love will not make such demands and the mother knows that she is out of line. Will she go to her daughter's house and do the same knowing that the husband might not think it is cool. She is ok though doing it where she is now simply because the woman  is not her own. This has gone on too long.
Women need to do something for themselves also so that in their old age they can transition more easily. It is never easy to come to terms with an empty nest but having some interests will make more fun. My Aunty in Enugu has to go to Lagos whenever my cousin has to travel out of the country for business but she cannot wait to go back. According to her "nobody will water her flowers" so she has to return quickly. She is involved with the church, with her village meeting and so many other things. She has no time to go sit in somebody's house and be a nuisance.

i guess we can't all be of the same opinion, at least you agree that if the mother needs care or if the husband is an only son then it's okay.


there's no elderly person (healthy or not) in my family that lives with their married children; my grandmothers live in their own houses. we visit them for a few days at a time only (and vice versa) never up to a week, so we always look forward to seeing them again. i happen to think this arrangement is the best for creating a loving relationship across generations within a family. i have friends who have grandmothers living with them and i notice many of them dislike their paternal grandmothers.

so obviously, i don't plan on staying with my kids (when i get married and have them). and no, i don't think a mother is entitled to living with her married kids either. my point is if for some reason things turn out that way, the wife should be able to handle the situation graciously.

Tsiya:
Imagine You give birth to a baby boy. You nursed him. Feed him. Cloths him. Send him to school. Cooked for him. You devoted about 20-25years of your life thinking about him untill he becomes a man. Then suddenly he is married. Own a house and another woman will say if you stay in his house you have over stayed? Women are unncessarily jealous. You can choose who your wife/husband will be, but never a mother. My mother will is welcome in my house forever. My wife, if she loves, have to learn to love my mother. I just do not understand where this concept is coming from. Too much of watching movies that have turn mothers and mothers-in-law into devils is ruining happines in families.

my thoughts exactly.

vivaladiva:
no one over stays in my house, evn my mother cnt over stay in my house, not to talk of boss me about,

if you're from a large family, i can understand. but if you're a single child (of a single mother) you would feel differently. nigerian mothers sacrifice their all (marriage options, career, time, money) for their kids. it's even worse when a woman has only one son and puts her whole life into giving him a bright future. i don't think such a son would be happy for his mom to spend the rest of her life alone because he's married. there must be ways to accommodate a mother-in-law without relinquishing one's position as the woman of the house.

RichyBlacK:
God Almighty! I read all twelve pages!

me too! interesting, i must say.

oyinda.:
best post so far by davidylan.  but then, many naija women already do this"careful selection" that's why they're single. to be with a naija guy, u have to reduce your standard to 0%  otherwise, u will be single till 40. 
that's why IMO, a lot of times, it's better that these ladies are single. singledom is better than being in a frustrated r/s with an irresponsible guy.
what's best though is if these women go and meet other non-naija guys. but it's also ok if they prefer to be single n successful. lol

because I'm not ready (financially, academically & emotionally) to settle down. i would like to achieve certain things first.

chire:
-My standards are not ridiculously high as my ex was some 9ja bar man, but dumped him quickly when i saw he was trying to borrow money from me etc


@ poster,
I think your comment above to some extent explains why you are having some ill luck with nigerian men. You set low standards for yourself, A masters degree professional going out with a bar man??!!Of course He'll want to take advantage of you.
What else do you expect?
Perhaps you should think of dating men operating on your level,or at a higher frequency.
I think you should also remove the beleif that nigerian men are all bad.There are some really very good and honest nigerian.
I know of 2 singe doctorate students here in manchester in their early 30's who are single,and are really really genuinely good men all round.I did not hear of them,i am very close with both of them and i can vouch for them.
There are definately some horrible nigerian men,but beleive me,there are also some very very wonderful nigerian men here in UK.
That i know for a fact.

i concur, it's always better to date guys who are at your level or higher. being more educated or wealthier than them might cause them to feel emasculated, then they start acting up to prove a point.

sofa-dj:
and how old do u think i am? well to answer your i question yes i do but dont intend marryiin her.

Anyway I got my personal reasons (, medical reasons)

your profile says 23

chic2pimp:
MAKE HER LIFE A LIVING HELL

bad idea, it'll cause problems between the couple and they'll all partake in the 'hell'. if she must punish the mother-in-law it should be very subtle.

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but really, it shouldn't be a problem for a mother to live with her son/daughter especially if she's widowed.

@ topic,

if anything, frequent calling puts me off rather than foster feelings. especially when he's a new acquaintance. but i see how a girl might develop feelings for a guy who calls frequently. it's quite easy to fall for someone you spend so much time with on the phone or in person. though, i think most girls would discourage frequent calls from a guy they didn't already have some kind of feelings for.

Zhahovic:
Gäl$ ärê réälly $trängê, I$ it truê thät whén u $tärt cälliñg æ gäl fréquéntly shê mité thiñk u hävê intéñtiöns töwærd$ hér?

calling someone frequently indicates that you are interested and/or you enjoy spending your time talking to the person.  so it's not that strange for a girl to think you are interested in her if you call her very often.

i don't think i'll have any problems with a mother-in-law overstaying (afterall it's also her son's house), but if she tries to boss me around, i'll tell her right away that it's my house and i won't be bossed around. i won't shout or be rude but i'll be firm, and afterwards i'll go on being nice to her. if she decides to take offense, it'll be clear i was only being factual and i didn't insult her.

cantell:
Kissing is an understatement. You need to get to her pretty good.
It'll be sweet if she keeps seeing you kissing & smooching as if there's no tomorrow in the living room.
If you have the guts, you can make out and i bet she'll run away from that house the moment she sees it.
But if she's a widow, then she's probably lonely & it won't work. She'll stay no matter what.
And in this situation, the best way to get around it is to talk to her and pray she understands.

i don't think most guys would be comfortable with smooching in front of their mothers, so it might not work and the wife may end up feeling embarrassed.

Abbreviation Bronchodilation Circulation Detoxification Evaluation Function Glorification Habilitation Invitation Justification

michelin89:
@ topic

Sometimes some of these girls literally turn you into their boyfriends. Cheiiiiiii. I don suffer!

ayettymama:
one thing i love abt them

the minute your gf gets a man

she forgets all abt u

until somethin happens

and she wants to cry

my guy friends takes us all out

gets us all together

has all the time for his gf and still time for his friends!!

i know, it's even worse when they are in on/off kind of relationships. they spend all their time with you and use you to make their boyfriends jealous during quarrels. then the moment they reconcile they dump you, yet expect you to be waiting with open arms for the next quarrel.

Contemplation Meditation Reflection

slug

Scanties

Emmadgud:
So after d food what next will u tell him,

if like the OP said, the attraction is mutual, the girl shouldn't have to think of what to tell the guy next. even the shyest guy should be able to make a move after spending hours eating in a girl's house.

na2day?:
lower yes lower

no way! 5ft7 + 6ft = tall kids. 5ft7 is d limit, no where to go but up.

na2day?:
u will be surprise how they will still all be midgets

God Forbid!!! i'm going higher, yes higher,

it's better for the guy to pretend to run into the girl at her destination, or somewhere else. it just doesn't feel nice when a guy stops you on the road and starts hitting on you. if a guy takes the time to watch a girl or follow till he can stage a meeting, she would feel more respected even if she knows he planned it.

@ spanishfly,

there's nothing wrong with having a lot of male friends as long as you don't start to see yourself as 'one of the boys' and discourage suitors from approaching you. many girls seem to have more guy friends so it's really not a problem. it's the exact opposite with me; i have very few guy friends, though i can't say i have many female ones.

Busy_body:
I also find it hard to deal with the vicious gossips girls love to dabble in, one minute you would see girl A, B and C all acting pally pally, but the moment one of them steps out, the other two would just start deriding her for no reason, na wa oh. Men dey try sha, for drawing the short end of the stick and having to put up with the female of the species, serves them right though, lol.

true, plus guys still remain very close to their friends when in relationships, and they don't discuss their friends' secrets with their girlfriends. it's usually the opposite with girls.