₦airaland Forum

emmaodet:
I guess staying alone instead of marrying would have solved most of these problems for you ladies then, abi?
Actually, the world needs less women to get married and become pregnant. This is not the time to even encourage more women to marry sef.
As it stands, we only need 1 out of 5 ladies to get married and give birth to ONLY 1 kid for the Earth to function on it's Normal condition.
Presently, the earth is more or less like a pig pen for 20 pigs but accommodating 60 pigs now. I guess a lot need to leave the pen without been replaced.

Okay, do you. There are lots of men that have decided not to get married or have children. Their life, their choice.

ladyGKilaBCrueD:
is it madam bukat? that woman pisses me off

Mizwisdom:
The era of society raising a child is long gone. Can you spank a neighbor's child without her using the opportunity to tell you how barren you are and how you are a witch? even teachers are no longer free to beat children without someone taking a phone to record and upload so that he will cause an uproar on social media. If you go to your adult son's house and see him washing his wife's undies what will be your reaction? take it or leave it boys are not raised to serve, they're raised by women(primary care giver) to rule over women.

Let's not divert from the main topic.

The phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” isn’t to be taken literally. It means, a child is a product of his community and society. The culture, norms, values, of said community, his parents, his school, all the people he will meet, learn from and socialize with during his formative years, influences how he will turnout.

E.g this is the reason most times a Nigerian man raised by his born and raised Nigerian parents in a different country/culture behaves and thinks differently from a Nigerian man born and raised in Nigeria, depending on how much he was exposed to the mainstream culture.

Let’s not even start with those good men that manage not to be influenced or turnout differently, our society will not even allow him to be a good man in peace. His peers will call him a simp for being nice and good to a girl, his family(men and women) will say he has swallowed juju for being a normal loving husband. He’s been signaled to that being a good loving and faithful husband is not normal.

I agree let’s stay on topic. A wife pouring her heart out about her bad marriage which happens to resonate with many married women on this thread. So let’s leave mothers and women out of it, that’s another topic for another thread.

Mizwisdom:
Lol I support her stance. Most times in Africa, women spend more time with the kids than men even when she's a career woman she is still expected to carry the weight of child rearing on her head. ln most homes the girls are trained right from a young age to learn domestic chores so they can be good wives, you will also notice that boys are on the streets during those times, playing soccer or whatever their adventurous minds lead then to do. Have you ever heard a boy being told 'if you continue this way you won't be a good husband'? I don't need to ask if you've heard girls being spoken to this way. When a boy watches his dad beat his mum, what is his mum's reaction? most women still remain in their marriage, giving the impression that they will stay no matter what is done to them. I don't need to tell you how this behavior affirms domestic abuse in a boy's mind and destroys a girl's self esteem.

SMH. That is a very very simplistic view.

It takes a village to raise a child.

Children also watch and learn what they see at home, if domestic abuse, cheating etc is a norm, guess what? They think it is too. Oh now it is why can’t women leave? The same people will tell you a child from a broken home is damaged. There are men and women that literally avoid marrying a man/woman form a single home. (Why?)

I have literally seen a father tell a child to get up from a punishment and slap the mother in front of the child telling her how not to punish a diokpa. Children in their formative years spend more time away from the home. The culture of said community where the child is raised is also a factor.

The culture and norms of a society or a community does not exist in a vacuum.

There are multiple combinations and factors that are responsible for how a child turns out. To stay “oh it’s the mothers that turn the men that way” is very myopic.

Why do the women stay? Why are they afraid to leave? If we want to do the blame game, we can go back to how the mother was raised? Who raised her to turn her son into a bad husband?

bukatyne:
These young men that are bad news were mostly trained by their mothers. This now begs the question: if they thought their men bad, why didn't they train their sons to the standard of the ideal man?

No, they train their sons same way so that the next set of wives would complain and repeat the same cycle.

The men that are gentle would also be mocked for been gentle and exploited.

The Nigerian marriage landscape is an enigma.

This is such a simplistic view. Women this, women that. lol so a man turning into a bad husband is now not only the fault of the wife is now also fault of the mother who in your world is SOLELY responsible for his upbringing? So when do Nigerian men take responsibility for their behaviour?

So you want to tell me a hitler for a husband will not seep into how a child is molded, so when a man beats his wife in front of his children, it doesn’t damage them to think it’s the norm or you have children becoming referees and cleaning up their mother’s wounds. When a man cheats openly without regard for his family or neglects his family for a side chick, you want to tell me the sons are not mopping all this up.

You think a son that watches his father treat his mother like dirt is not watching and learning and when the marriage counselors (elders) come, he watches and learns how they tell his mother to endure, “marriage is for better for worse” or blame the mother.

Have you not seen fathers usurping the authorities of the mothers in-front of the children and treat the male children like kings...

Let’s move away from the home and go to the community, how do you think children are raised? Do you think one person is solely responsible for raising a child? The community, society and culture also raises a child, the child spends more time in the community (school, church.. etc) than he spends at home. At his school, his surroundings, extended family, church/mosque/shrine what he has watched and learned at home is reinforced. He sees it reinforced at family events, in books, on the news, in Nollywood movies..

Children are sponges, they watch, absorb and adapt. It takes a village to raise a child.

If you had even typed women that stay in toxic marriages and let their children watch and learn this bad behavior, I would have even agreed small (why women don’t leave is another topic for another thread) but to say women train those men to be this way.....

Sixfeetbelle:
I believe I know who you're referring to but I don't have strength this afternoon so I'll just continue to move.

MizJaY:
So I though sha cos I'm not sure I'm d only one going thru this kind thing. Most marriages na just mk we manage dey push am dey go....lol

Well let me say most, because some women are enjoying their marriage. Don’t ever NOT have savings, there is no protection for you o. As you can see your 100% contribution is not even appreciated. Always, always have savings. Always save a portion of your salary, if anything happens, Igando will award you N500 stipends. Starting from now, set aside a portion of your salary and start saving, so you can always have an option to leave when it gets unbearable or you have something to fall back on if he puts you out.

My dear you have described most Nigerian marriages. We see it here a lot on NL. Keeping malice and Nigerian husbands are 5&6. You are not allowed to express your feelings, it’s called talking back. You’re also supposed to apologise for something you were a victim of. If the husband is not 100% the breadwinner, even worse, any body language or words are interpreted as “you don’t respect me because you are contributing”

P.S our NL favourite matron will come in and blame you for not choosing right, even though he presented himself as a godly man or you must have done something to change a godly man.

Sis, it is well.

Farki:
First you assumed my experiences are a result of not meeting up to 100 women now the new figure is 5,000. Do I have to meet 5,000 men before I see one who watches football? It's already a given that men like football.

I don't need to carry out a mega survey before I start noticing a pattern. People who have had greater success with women echo my sentiments.

Or maybe we have different metrics of being 'nice'.

Well, we already have metrics to know men like football or sports. We have the data of TV viewing patterns, we have the data of ticket sales, we have the data of merchandise sales, we know who are members of these fan clubs, we see the numbers in their social media accounts. I can go on and on. FIFA makes millions or billions a year and they know where the money comes from.

funmisticqueen2:
yes it makes sense, no one likes their privilege to be taken away

It happens on romanceland all the time

I wish I could give you a million likes for this. The root problem of acrimony between genders. It’s privilege.

Since inception of the human species and men have discovered they are physically stronger than women, they have held on to and abused that power. Now that the world is changing, and physical strength is no longer as important as it used to be, that privilege is been threatened constantly, is one of the reasons we have all these debates.

Farki:
The course I studied in school was 90% female, my work is mostly female, my time in secondary school was spent mostly with women. I have approached hundreds of girls in uni, different religions, different personalities yet I got the same results. Most will give me their numbers but if I treat them 'like human beings' they lose interest within a week or 2.

It's like people who think like you do ignore the large amounts of threads where women complain that their boyfriend/husband is abusing them, dating around etc. Just last week a friend asked me for advice because her friend approached someone who is already in a relationship and wonders why he isn't interested in the girl again after he has finished knacking her.

Girls will have hundreds of guys messaging them yet they will be tripping for the guy that doesn't send.

My room mate was by all accounts a horrible person yet he was bring in a new girl every weekend.


Why do women assume that any guy who has bad experiences with women has only met 5 women? Maybe because you're not the one approaching them you don't understand. In fact women rarely lack male attention so why should they lecture me about the difficulties of attracting decent people for a relationship?

Again, have you met and spoken to 5,000 girls? Note even 5,000 is NOT enough to generalise a population in the millions. Just because you have a feeling or a sense of how Nigerian girls are doesn’t mean It’s true.

Lol all these lengthy back and forths on this thread are just arguments that are only applicable in Western societies. It seems people read Western blogs and vomit the sentiments on a Nigerian forum, where same is not applicable at all.

The society and cultural problems we face now are things the Western culture have resolved over 100 years ago.

Our society is still soooo backward and lawless for us to afford all these privileged and first world social issues. We have laws that are NEVER enforced. We still have children that are made to work and are sexually abused daily and we turn a blind eye to it, we can’t even guarantee basic education, food and healthcare for children in this country. A widow and her kids can be kicked out their house, a house they’ve lived in for decades, put out on the streets and it’s business as usual. We have labour laws that are not enforced, an employer can decide to hire or sack you based on your religion, sex or tribe. Age discrimination - an employer can decide not to hire you because of your age. The masses are taken advantage of by the very few daily.

Nigeria is a a failed state, the extremely bad economy can not be ignored on how it affects gender relations in Nigeria. You think a Nigerian man will be willing to give up the small privilege that gives him a slight edge in this yeye country? If the Nigerian men are equally as disadvantaged as the women, then no need for all theses debates, the men will welcome it whole heartedly. I wonder why so much fuss? What are the men not trying to give up?

Farki:


This is the so on point. Girls have called me 'gay', 'too cool' and 'too nice' because I don't do the things girls and online feminists claim to hate. I have seen guys hiss and call women prostitutes to their faces yet they still get their numbers. It is so bizarre that the women I have the most success with are the ones I treated like 'sexual objects'. What online feminists claim you shouldn't do like grab a girl's ass early on in the relationship or make sexual comments on the first meeting just got me further with women. It's like I'll just do the opposite of what they say.

The easiest way to get a girl to lose interest is to treat her nicely.

It’s because those are the type of girls you seek. Young and immature or girls with very low self-esteem. A Normal well adjusted woman will never agree to date a man that treats her horribly. It’s one thing to start dating someone that pretends to be a nice guy then changes in the course of the relationship and the girl still stays. But to be approached with a bad character, no normal girl will agree to date such.

Also, how many girls have you spoken to, to make such generalisation? There are millions of 18-25 year old girls in Nigeria, have you spoken to 100?

nabiz:
No I am a traveller type. Sometimes I spend 60% of my time outside my family in a year

No wonder!!!

Who’s the disciplinarian??

Children always love their daddy when they’re small because it’s mommy always around laying down the law. My son with his small mouth “I prefer daddy” because daddy will come home with goodies and treats after mommy has dealt with the tantrums. Mommies don’t mind being the bad guys for their formative years.

I don’t know why some people are making light of the two slaps. How do they think domestic abuse start? There’s nothing normal in receiving slap from your husband.

This is a dicey situation because most abused victims don’t leave until they are ready to. If you tell your parents, your sister will shut all of you out and then you will never know when things escalate and you can’t help her.

The best option is to remind her daily that you’re there for her, when and if she’s ready and keep saying or doing things that would improve her or help her self esteem.

TeamLeader:
Wow... Them de donate breast milk again? Na was o. Thanks anywy

Yes! But it’s not as common as it should be because of our superstitious nature. It helps newborn babies that were abandoned or babies that their mothers can’t produce their own milk.

Buy a breast pump, you can buy a manual one. She can also donate her milk to your local breast milk bank. I know they have one in Lagos.

TroubleMaker47:
Happy birthday,

Aww... Thank you!

Romanoff:
Why didn't the man leave her earlier? It could be because he married her first for companionship. They stayed together till they could have their own. That is not looking like the case of @Op.

True.

... because they’re sexually attracted to women.

Romanoff:
A fiancé who is pregnant now can lose the pregnancy and a wife who gives birth can lose the child a few years later.

The first reason for marriage is companionship. If you can't stay faithful and loyal to that person with or without a child, please, don't marry the person.

If all you need is a child, go to fertility clinics, they can give you egg so your sperm can fertilize and you can pay a surrogate to carry the child to term.

That’s Nigerian culture for you. We’re obsessed with having kids, we’re not the most populous Black Country by magic. Marriage is not for love or companionship is mainly for reproduction. Saw news recently that a 68y/old woman gave birth. Even a 68 y/old woman that will not be around to see the child grow up still did not give up having her own child.

I hope your wife doesn’t forgive you and I wished she had left a long time ago. You don’t deserve your wife and kids, you’re a very evil man. The type of man you pray you never meet. You never loved her and you will do all these again if you meet another woman like your ex.

I thought he was in jail? If he’s out and still flexing that means he snitched.

dominique:
Some people finished reading this load of bullshit?

Even a Bollywood movie storyline is not as stupid and unrealistic as this

I didn’t read it as a true story, read it as one of those write ups where the writer inserts an hypothetical to drive home the moral of their story. Like a parable.

But I think this money is no longer needed. Your children deserve the best. Starving them while you give me this huge amount is unacceptable and God won't forgive us. Have you consider the joy or smile you will put on your wife's face if you give her this money?

lol when the side chick becomes the wife, her side chick spot becomes open. The side chick now experiences what it is to be a Nigerian wife. If Nigerian men treat their wives the way dey spoil their side chicks with affection and attention then everybody will be happy. The threat of cheating is no longer effective because women know Nigerian men need no reason to cheat, they cheat because they feel entitled to it. The lie that Nigerian men peddle, be a submissive wife and you’ll have a loving and faithful husband is just lies. We see and hear submissive wives been cheated on constantly.

Joyfulgal:
I ttc for 9 solid years. Your guess is as good as mine. Issues from front, back, right and centre. What kept me going me going was us. Court marriage didn't keep us going.

What happens when there are challenges[GOD FORBID] later?

No one has said a court marriage will magically turn any marriage to a perfect one. Yes, with all the challenges marriage brings, worrying about what will happen to you and your kids when you become a widow doesn’t have to be one of them.

Joyfulgal:
My point is, building a better relationship is more than using the law to tie someone.

It’s always good to build a better relationship with your spouse but all that better relationship will not help a wife when his family come and sell her matrimonial house on her head and put her and her kids out.

Joyfulgal:
In as much as I support court wedding but why have such an option " what if he dies?"

What if she dies before him?

I feel having such mind set before marriage is wrong.

Well... that’s life, death is something we can’t predict. It’s best we prepare for it. If she dies before him, then all this is moot, but nobody knows. People buy life insurances and write wills etc to prepare for the inevitable.

crackkhaus:
Do you think the people using this forum are kindergarten pupils or what exactly?

The only way a will can be contested is if you can prove undue influence by one/more of the beneficiaries...OR in a case where the person is murdered, the slayer rule can apply.

People have been willing their wealth to charity for years, and you're here claiming what you just thought of over a space of 1min.

You didn't even say it should adequately provide for the children, you're talking of wife. This is why a sensible man should be very suspicious of women like you.
Lmao...

Your comment is still false. If a husband’s will does not adequately provide for his wife, legally, she can contest it, an option she will not have had otherwise, and some cases such will can be declared invalid. I think that’s the whole point of this thread, is her request of a court marriage reasonable. The wife’s request is reasonable, a statutory certificate will always be more advantageous in the event, God forbid she becomes a widow. There are many stories out there of widows and their kids suffering. If the man is scared, he can also make provisions to also look out for himself. Marriage is not only about emotions, people also have to enter it with a very rational mind.

crackkhaus:
Meanwhile, back to the topic itself...
The court wedding his fiancée is asking for will not automatically grant her anything when he dies.
If he decides to write a will, then that is what will be used. If he decides to grant someone else power of attorney, then she will still lose.

A smart man will always know how to work around the system when it comes to situations like these. The OP shouldn't even be jittery.

This is not true. It’s not ironclad. If a will does not adequately provide for the wife, it can be contested and in some cases sef such will is declared invalid. She wouldn’t have these options if she doesn’t have a statutory certificate, that’s the whole point.

cococandy:
I don’t think the poster means doing it behind his back.

But I could be wrong

Please don’t mind him, he knows what I meant. He’s carrying a grudge from an earlier exchange on another thread.