DeckXavier:
So how are men to be held responsible before and after the pregnancy? I want to know if you've got something to say that sassysure hasn't said.

You’ve missed a few steps, we to go all the way back. We have to catch them young, in their adolescence (10-19). A series of comprehensive sex education and responsibility. Actions have consequences, safe sex, consent, being respectful of people’s bodies etc.

Laws, laws, laws and they should be enforced!! Nothing sets a human straight than consequences.

DeckXavier:
what about men who'll provide for the kid but have nothing to do with the child emotionally?

You can’t compel emotions not even from a two parent household.

A child still has financial needs if he can’t get the emotional one he/she shouldn’t also lose out financially.

However, an organized society seeks to have systems in place to provide the emotional needs of a child.

DeckXavier:
how easy is it for a woman who has a child out of wedlock to marry? Talk true make devil no shame. Men will always want women without kids, I'm not saying baby mamas don't get married, but how many? Intuitively girls know having a child outside of marriage is bad market no matter how you try to paint it, otherwise why do they try to coerce the men who got them pregnant to into marriage?. What we are saying is that be responsible for your shit, when a man tries to go raw on you, do not accept. You know the consequences, unless marriage isn't in your plan.

Men and women should both be responsible for their shit, it makes for a much better society. Lol let me quote my mom “two heads is better than one”.

Lol yes many men unknowingly marry single moms. The few ones that marry single moms say they can’t raise another man’s child, the child is usually dumped with a distant relative in the village or another town.

Society, which is you and I suffer WAY more than the single mom. That’s why it’s a collective effort, boys should not be excluded from sex education and sexual responsibility.

DeckXavier:
this is what I'm saying, a man can't be forced to marry a lady who's got a child for him.

No one on this thread has said a man should be forced to marry his baba mama. That’s a recipe for disaster it’s not even a good environment for a child. The only thing people have said is for men to also be held responsible for something that they equally participated in.

The real victims are the children and society, not always the woman. Most women are able to ‘reinvent’ themselves and her new husband is none the wiser. The innocent child is dumped with a distant relative and the society carries the burden of yet another innocent child. Nigeria is on track to have a record population explosion, do you know who will pay for that? You and I.

Some of these children don’t go to school because of lack of funds, if they become criminals, who suffers?

When organized societies have laws in place to force parents in providing for their children or have programs to secure the right of a child, you think they’re stupid or hate men? It was never about the woman but the child and the good of their society. Without such laws, the society will have to bear ALL the brunt of an unwanted child.

DeckXavier:
morality is subjective you say?? Why do women fume about deadbeat dads?? Maybe he just doesn't give a shit and it's all good because he has a different view to life. What do you say to that?

There’s a difference between ethics and morals.
Morals - personal, subjective, guiding principals of an individual, e.g it’s what makes you a good friend, good neighbor, good parent etc, they are how we treat people we know and it’s different from person to person. E.g not everybody believes it’s wrong to have sex before marriage.

Ethics - A set of morals defined or agreed upon by members of a society on what is right or wrong for the greater good of said society, they’re how we build a society. E.g ethically wrong to kill a human, cheat someone of their money etc.

Your question, some societies have come to universally adopt that its ethically wrong to deprive a child full resources from the two people that made him, Nigeria believes that too because they signed/or a member of the UN child rights. So, an organized society will use all means available to protect those rights for that child, because it’s for the greater good of the society.

bukatyne:

4. You keep making this personally about me. . I should stop being smug Are YOU feeling threatened by my supposed morals (*pst pst, that I don't follow)?

5. I think you should be the one to desist from dragging my personal life/family here and imagining me imposing morals.

Lol why would I be threatened by your supposed moral that you couldn’t even keep? Obviously, you don’t think much of it, so why would I??

I see you’ve moved into your default victim mode.

Your personal life, you brought it here yourself, so it can’t be that personal. It’s a very much valid reference, why impose something you can’t adhere to? You don’t hesitate to call out or use the ‘personal’ story of a NLer if you think they’re a being hypocritical in their advise to an OP. You called out someone for advising an OP to leave her marriage, you used her ‘personal’ story to that.

This was fair use.

So, only people that believe in a supernatural being can have guiding principles?? Morals are only defined by a religion?? Now, who is funny?

This is a fact you can’t type your way out of, morality is subjective.

- I do things in multiples of threes (knock or call out someone’s name or eat three slices of bread never two or four etc).

- I don’t swallow beef, I chew, suck on the juices and spit it out. So I never order beef at a restaurant.

- After I apply toothpaste on my brush, I must use my forefinger to spread it on the brush like you would butter on bread even on the sides.

- I don’t know if this qualifies as weird but I am right handed and I wear my watch on my right hand, I never understood why people wear their watches on their non-dominant hand.

- sometimes I avoid stepping on lines.

How else will they set the so called Okafor’s law in motion?

bukatyne:

To the best of my knowledge, I have not founded a religion or culture so I don't know how it is personal.

The moral code on fornication for a Muslim, Christian and Traditional Worshiper (Did not say atheist) is the same. I have asked you to bring examples of an organized religion, culture etc that encourages sex before marriage.

The fact that you have to exclude atheists already nullifies your argument. It means your moral code of “no sex before marriage” isn’t universal and adhered by all so it shouldn’t be imposed on all. How can you tell someone is an atheist or not?

Really? You know the customs and ethics of all the HUNDREDS of culture and local religions in Nigeria?? Customs of a family/sect?? And you know for a fact that they ALL preach abstinence before marriage??

On the top of my head I know two Yoruba families their custom is for the fiancee to become pregnant to prove fertility.

Stop being smug and imposing of your ‘morals‘ that you don’t even follow on other people, they should stay where they belong for you and your family.

Please desist.

cococandy:


Meanwhile here’s the new update

Oh wow! Has she been released? Are these the actions of an innocent man? Only in Nigeria, where the police work for individuals.

bukatyne:


Whatever makes you sleep at night maami.

Anyone willing to take up the challenge:

Which moral code encourages sex before marriage?

I know Christianity, Islam and our local customs don't.

A fact is not a personal whim.

Moral codes are guiding principles of an individual or individuals that share upbringing, religion etc.

The moral code of a Muslim is different from that of a Christian and totally unrelated with an atheist.

It’s really not that hard of a concept to understand. You’re conflating morals with ethics which is a set of morals, codes on what is right or wrong for the society.

There is nothing like a universal code that encourages sex before or after marriage. Morals are principles created and adhered to by individuals.

Your religion made “no sex before marriage” a guiding principle for YOU (which you didn’t even adhere to) but it’s not the same for everybody not even for some that share same religion with you. Lol I’ve tried I don’t know how else to explain the subjectivity of morals and the pitfalls of imposing your personal morals on a stranger.

bukatyne:


Can you share any moral code that encourages sex before marriage?

Based on this thread and the OP it’’s safe to say “no sex before marriage” is the personal moral code of a very few in Nigeria which does not include you.

Romangalactic:

I thought it was pay 100M or face legal action from Dbanj? Meaning there will def be legal action (court appearance) since she can't pay that amount, or they settle for something less.

Also note that a SAN is his lawyer so I'm pretty sure they know what they're doing within the allowances of the law

You can’t compel an individual to pay any amount, unless it’s an amount stated in a civil judgement.

The only way you can compel someone to pay any amount is to win a civil suit you filed against them.

sassysure:

Our society is not changing anytime soon. We will only look for ways to make things easier and better for us.

In my place, at least that child is yours( that's our culture)
But other places, after suffering, one man from nowhere will come and say sorry and thats that?

How will it change when people are stick in the mud? When we retain the status quo nothing changes.

Culture is the collective thinking, norms of its people. What changes a thinking and creating a new normal? Upbringing.

You ensure the society remains harsh for your daughter by repeating the same mistakes our forebears did.

It isn’t rigid it can be dynamic towards a positive trend.

You’re making the argument of people who say Nigerian Mothers are responsible for the misogyny in the Nigerian culture.

bukatyne:


This lady

If we are going moral and righteous, it is no sex before marriage which negates this thread.

I just want to quickly correct a misconception about ‘morals’.

Morals are subjective and personal.

“No sex before marriage” is a personal moral of some that isn’t true for ALL. A subjective moral shouldn’t be imposed on all.

cococandy:
It’s obviously an intimidation ploy.

Although at first, I found it hard to believe that he would rape someone (not because he’s a good guy) but because I felt he wouldn’t be silly enough to ruin himself like that.

You would think but people with power capitalize on the fact that, people are more likely to believe a star is innocent. We don’t want to sully the image we have built in our heads of our heroes. Also in a country where law and order is virtually non-existent, they have the money and access to destroy the alleged victims

Yea, they feel pretty invincible to do anything.

bukatyne:


Why am I not outraged that Dbanj chose to go the route he likes (and not against the law) in reaction to the allegation of rape by a lady on social media?

Why am I not outraged?

Lol at “Ma” I’m still in my early - mid 30s.

It’s one thing to respond and deny a rape accusation on social media and even go further and say he will exercise his civil right to go to court to clear his name but to obfuscate and a post a ‘legal’ document and tried to manipulate the public into thinking he filed a lawsuit or he can collect on a N100m ‘damages’ is straight up bullying to shut the victim and to sway public opinion about his innocence. If he and done the former I wouldn’t be on this thread, it’s his right.

You should be outraged because he’s trying to impede the due process of “innocence until proven guilty” if that’s what you believe.

Hathor5:

EVERYONE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE WITH SEX.

Just because I can't force everyone to be responsible, does not change the rightness of the message.

Why we even have to discuss something as simple as ABC is

You told no lies, I don’t know why some people are having trouble comprehending.

We need to stop our society’s narrative of “women only suffer the fallout of irresponsible sexual behavior” because 1. It’s not true. 2. Imagine if we maintain the same energy on men, the importance of safe sex and taking financial responsibility for any child borne out of such behaviors, we would have twice the intended effect.

pmoye:
Spot on! And it is a systemic failure of parenting in Nigeria.
My parents NEVER for once even mistakenly instructed me about sex, apart from warning me about getting a girl pregnant. I think as a country we have to start discussing these issues openly. Some of us that are busy turning this into a gender blame trade really needs to get acquainted with the number of lives being lost to covertly procured abortion...I offer no personal opinion about the legality of abortion, except that I believe a woman owns her body and should own the responsibility of what happens with it.

That’s just it, the sexual foundation is faulty. As a result we have young women with compromised fertility and life because of illegal abortion, we have unplanned children that causes a burden on our society, we have an abhorrent rape culture. No one is untouched, we ALL suffer.

But but but... it’s only ‘wayward’ women that suffer, as if.

bukatyne:


You believe Dbanj is guilty?

Ok.

I operate a principle of innocent until proven guilty.

It is the girl's social media, it is Dbanj's lawyer.

Dbanj has decided to clear his name the way he deems best.

I didn’t say he was guilty. Acting like a guilty person and being guilty are two different things.

I would have agreed with you if he had attempted to clear his name.

If you really operated on the bolded you would have been outraged at Dbanj’s antics. He’s not trying to prove he is innocent. He actually did the opposite he tried to manipulate the “innocent until proven guilty” ethos, that’s why I am outraged, why aren’t you?

bukatyne:


If the accuser was serious, she would made her case in court and not on the streets of social media.

You CANNOT dictate how any one would react to you.

She should have thought of all possible reactions before accusing Dbanj on SM.

That’s not how it works.

It’s the state that brings a criminal case to court not the victim.

She has made the allegations on social media, that’s her choice on how she wants the public to know Dbanj is an alleged rapist, it’s her social media. The onus is on Dbanj to clear his name (if he’s bothered) and he has two options, civil and criminal and he chose to do neither.

The onus is also on the Nigerian police to investigate and treat her accusations as a crime, and for the state to prosecute Dbanj if there’s evidence in the case.

Rape victims do a lot of things, some keep quiet, some want justice, some want revenge etc. This post is about Dbanj’s fake attempt at clearing his name.

P.S. she does NOT have to think about how Dbanj will react, she had a story to tell and she told it on her social media, I doubt she’s worried since his N100m demand is meaningless. If he’s that bothered about clearing his name, enough to compose a ‘heartfelt’ Instagram post why couldn’t he just seek recourse the right way, perhaps because a lawsuit will open him up for more scrutiny?

Only the guilty seek to shush their victims.

bukatyne:



Hahahahahahahaha

I laugh in Japanese.

It is OK for a lady to use want she has (her voice) to accuse Dbanj of raping her and ruin his reputation (if false) .

However, it is not OK for Dbanj to use what he has (his Legal clout) to respond or counter her.

Hahahahahahaha

I honestly find this very very very funny.

If the lady is sure Dbanj raped her, let her proceed with her facts to the courts.

I am sure many human right activitists would be willing to take up the case if there is a case.

It’s a bully move because this isn’t a real attempt at clearing his name. It’s bullying if he’s more interested in shutting the victim up than actually clearing his name.

If he’s really serious about declaring his innocence and punishing the girl for lying then he should go to COURT and get real damages. This is just posturing to manipulate public opinion.

Romangalactic:
Every guy who knows and is very sure he has been falsely accused of rape by one whoree of a woman, please sue her to court for her father's net worth.

https://www.nairaland.com/5930713/seyitan-babatayo-rape-accusation-dbanj

I like action and actionable people. If you're a woman who has been raped, take your rapist to court and prove it beyond all reasonable doubt that he raped you. If you don't do that but only chose to go about announcing it to everyone but a lawyer, then that is your cup of tea.

But when the person you're accusing decides to take you to court for false accusations and defamation, be ready to appear and do not cry wolf.

We are tired of hoes using social media rape accusations to chase clout.

Watch how females who have falsely or plan to falsely accuse men of rape, will flood this thread to wail.

He never filed a lawsuit. This is just a well known playbook of privileged men “intimidation by lawyers”. He should go to court to prove his innocence/get compensation for his besmirched name.

bukatyne:


Ok.

I still fail to see how writing through your lawyers to someone you allege accused you falsely is making people get salty.

Because it’s a bully move.

Single women should never marry men without huge enough love in them to love their kid(s) too. The kids are part of her if he can’t love them, then that’s no love. A man not willing to extend his love to your kids should ALWAYS be a deal breaker. It’s best she remain single and care for her kid(s).

sassysure:
The truth is that majority of us don't know anything about how their system works.
Aside std, if u are not sure of how your system work, please go and buy CD yourself and keep at home. Inside that part of your handbag only you have access to.

All these schools nowadays don't teach girls preventive method.


I was introduced, educated on how to play safe in junior secondary by a gyneocologist that the state govt sent to girls school in my state then. It was like further maths then. Made no sense. By senior secondary, sharp babes started teaching us in dormitory. Before we left school we became pro at reading and understanding our individual cycles.
Today, that's what I rely on as a woman with a healthy sexual appetite.

Except std, u want to go raw, learn your body. Your partner should be the type that will accept no when u say u are not free.

But oir girls, the latest fashion, gossip, is what they prefer.
I haven't seen any post since I started using this site where girls teach themselves how billings method work. Rather, they are interested in buying postinor 2.
As for raw sex, it will continue till forever.
Why not educate yourself.

I took me not less than one yr monitoring my cycle and making mistakes to learn how to use it. I don't use any contraceptive. That book is every girl's bible.

Those who do sociology and or social work use that book.
Love and life ....By l mcsweeny. I don't know if I got it right.

Most Nigerian parents fail in their duty of giving their children comprehensive sex education.

“You will get pregnant if a man touches you” is not sex education.

Edit:
Also, take your teen girl to an obgyn for contraceptives (16+).

bukatyne:
I am not seeing the drama here.

Lady X accused D'banj of raping her.

D'banj claims Lady X accused him falsely and sued her to pay 100m for damages.

Let her respond with her own legal counsel and they resolve the issue legally.

He did NOT sue her. He never filed a lawsuit in court.

Cococandy it’s an audio lawsuit, a well known ploy.

This is a letter from his lawyer to the alleged victim, threatening a lawsuit, he never went to court. He can demand a zillion dollars, it means nothing. This is a well known ploy to shut people up, the threat or a hint of a lawsuit. This doesn’t prove his innocence, it makes him look more guilty, this is also how Trump operates, will announce to ‘sue’ and inundate his victim with letters from his team of lawyers but nothing comes of it.

If he’s really innocent he and his lawyers should go to court and file a defamation suit then the COURT will serve the girl.

He knows he can get away with this because A. The default position of Nigerians in a rape case is denial B. Most people are ignorant.

For those talking of prison sentences, there’s a difference between civil and criminal case.

bukatyne:


@bold:

This is the major problem of modern marriages.

By the time the spouses met, they are almost too set in their ways aka dry fish to infuse into themselves.

Unfortunately, the advise today keeps telling young people to 'build their careers' before they think of getting married.

It is a complete recipe for disaster.

Which would always be a good advise for women that want a career and a marriage. I wanted both and because I couldn’t secure my career before marriage, the first few years of my marriage were a bit challenging, in-spite of a very loving, liberal and understanding husband.

A wife that isn’t whole can never bring 100% to a marriage.

bukatyne:


The person you quoted summarized it.

For a marriage to fail means one or both of them are wrong.

A wrong marriage partner doesn't mean a bad person; it means a bad fit.

Amos 3:3 Can two walk together except they agree?

Thank you Ibkayee.

That person did not quote a failed marriage. While he would be right in a totally different context, it had nothing to with a post trying to be realistic about changes that might occur in a lifetime marriage.

bukatyne:


How is your post a response to my comment?

Anyways, I have a few cases where children want to marry a prototype of their parents without seeing the sacrifice they put in to make it work.

Those that see it do not want to invest it in their future relationships.

Apologies, indeed, it had nothing do with your post. I am replying to multiple mentions at a time, so I am skim reading. I guess some spouses think this is the way to handle their marriage and it has worked for them. Kids are not always privy to the real deal of their parents’ marriage.

bukatyne:


Add their kids to the mix.

The kids need to be shown the efforts both parties are investing to the success of the marriage.

Not all marriages are contracted for procreation.

Asour:


This is one of the most profound submission of a married person I have seen.
"They are oblivious of their partner's sacrifice" AKA COMPROMISE.

Very true.
The moment that partner is incapable of such sacrifices /Compromises, we then see the true picture of the previously pristine relationship
God help us.

Exactly!