bukatyne:


A man verbally abusing me or throwing insults at me one time is one thing.

If my husband constantly verbally abuses me, I will deal with him. I might not slap him because I can't finish him off. I know my leverage in every situation; I do not have the physical strength to beat him to a pulp.

I will think of something that he will remember for a really really long time.

@Bold: is an If because I did not marry a verbally abusive man. I am that lazy and would look for lasting solutions so I can relax and working myself up per time.

And this is not a man thing, same applies to a woman.

I as a rule rarely do back and forth with random people I would most likely not see again.

The first part of the bolded falls under “sustained abuse”.

There you go!

Humans can walk away! If those that think they can’t win the physical battle can walk away then everyone can, so that’s no longer a justification. You walk away and if what you walked away from is a crime, report it.

bukatyne:


So are we basing physical violence on force now?

“Violence is the use of physical force to
Injure, abuse or damage”

Bukatyne, you’ve brought a bias into this discussion - “Women are given a pass because they’re physically weaker than men”

You are not being open minded.

In your sick boyfriend scenario, the women goes to jail. Irrespective of gender if 1. Your life is not threatened, you’ve a way to escape or walk away and you’re not actually in physical harm then you’ve no defense for an assault and battery.

If Ronda Rousey slaps a 5’4” man, in a house that he cannot escape then he’s justified in beating her (if he can lol) and she will go to jail for assault.

The law believes if you have means to walk away from a situation that causes you physical or emotional distress and your life isn’t in danger, then that should always be your FIRST option. You can not really be serious that people don’t have the will to walk away from situations that they can. Most people that give in to “provocation” very easily do so because they know they can win the physical battle.

P.S this also applies to two men or two women.

bukatyne:


I think carefully before I type so no, I have not forgotten.

I also do not have anything to prove so I provide my opinions on matters that interest me whether they are politically correct or not.

The way I treat offense from people close to me is different from the way I treat it as a family member.

And no amount of idealizing would tell people what to do when they can no longer accommodate people's acidic tongue would make people stop chopping slap.

Why we don't think we should caution people to watch their tongues beats me.

If a man abused you verbally, like really bad, insults your generation or “provokes” you, would you slap him?

bukatyne:


@Bold, what happens to the girlfriend?

Or it is ok for her to slap her boyfriend because she will considerably do less damage?

How do we also prove that the verbal abuse has gone on long enough for the person to be allowed to snap?

A legal based post.

Yes! 1. Based on his physical size, the force is not going to be comparable 2. He can walk away 3. His life was not in danger.

The law expects the man to walk away and report the girlfriend for assault.

On the verbal assault, the legal process will do its work. The police will investigate, people in their lives will be interrogated etc and the man will be legally represented in court.

In a civilized society people are not expected to take the law into their hands, if not, it becomes a slippery slope. What level of verbal abuse is enough to warrant a slap?

Legal based post.

Physical abuse: The only way to avoid an assault and battery charge is if you can convince the courts 1. You were in fear for your life; 2. You had no way to escape or walk away; 3. The force used is comparable to the force you received.

If your 5’2” girlfriend slaps the face of your 6 foot frame in an open park, then you slapped her back and she faints, you’re going to jail.

Verbal abuse: Verbal abuse is rarely considered as a defense, if it is, it will be used as a mitigating factor for a prosecutor as to what charge or a judge for sentencing. Verbal abuse is only considered if 1. The verbal abuse is sustained over a period of time and the person snaps; 2. At the time of the altercation, the verbal abuse uttered is a physical threat, e.g “I will stab you”.

If your life is not threatened it’s advisable to always avoid situations that causes you distress. If you have a belligerent significant other then remove them from your life. Also, “verbal abuse” is very subjective.

bdchange:
First of all you are not legally married to her if you did not go to court to sign the necessary papers.

Traditional marriage is recognized and legal in Nigeria as long as a bride price was paid and witnesses in form of a ceremony witnessed it. You don’t need to sign papers in a court to be legally married.

OP, I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy to stay in a marriage where both the man and woman are unhappy. However, there’s a time in a marriage after some years where everybody is antsy. So I would recommend a trial separation, sometimes that’s what you need, a reminder that you need each other. Also, the grass is not always greener on the other side, the new woman is interesting because she is new and doesn’t live with you!

bukatyne:
@computergeek:

Hahahahaha @ the three musketeers.

First, I knew myself which led me to knowing what I did not want in a man (in summary, the textbook Nigerian man)

I was also not interested in a guy's pockets (I value experience over possessions) and was (am still) big on love, ethical values, sound mind, thoughtfulness, teachability, presentation, self respect (nothing disgusts me like a guy who is friends with all the girls to the point of hitting his head, insulting him etc.), healthy self esteem, mental stability and grounded.

I was never (still not) a fan of religious men. I could not stand the spirikoko boys in school. (There is a difference between religious and born again). Same with rigid guys.

I wanted an expressive man, one who is passionate about me enough to express his feelings. Maybe that's why I like football.

Interestingly, I read a lot of romance novels yo help me balance my rigid or stiff side and not for the godlike men who were looking for women to subdue and tame.

I met my husband at 17 so I got the above.

If I was just searching today in addition to the above:

1. Financial intelligence
2. Family background and mental state of mind
3. Ethical values, respect and sincerity
4. Unity of purpose etc.

I am very happy this is coming from you, because you ‘ve been voted the model female moniker on NL.

You would want all that plus an extra four if you were single today. If you were not married and you’re not bukatyne you would be told you’re picky and unrealistic and that you would drop most when you hit 30. Would you have done that?

You hit the nail on its head with the bolded, most Nigerians always say it’s women that have unrealistic standards and then drop them when they hit their 30s. However, those qualities are unrealistic because the way most Nigerian men are made, they don’t have those qualities to give. Most Nigerian women end up settling and when the marriage starts they realize they need those abandoned qualities to navigate day to day living in a marriage that is supposed to be the length of your natural life.

niaralandtopuser:
I don't think it is enugu. the girl was from Ebonyi and I asked what is wrong with Anambra guys marrying from Ebonyi. the guy brother told me ebonyi and Abia are not real Igbo's

Oh ok lol, I never heard about it until I got on this thread.

niaralandtopuser:
do you know anything about Ebonyi and Abia being fake Igbo. that was the first time I heard something like. I have Anambra and Imo guys as friends but non of them ever said anything about Ebonyi and Abia being fake Igbo

lol very weird. I had absolutely never heard of it before until I opened this thread. I had to google “Ebonyi” but I couldn’t get any info online, maybe someone will do us the honors lol. Definitely not Abia, Abia was carved out of Imo and from what I heard Imo is what the ‘central/mainstream’ Igbo culture is based on. I think you meant Enugu.

niaralandtopuser:
lol. what is wrong with the Igbo's that everyone don't want to be part of them. personally I see them as too greedy and selfish. they don't also love themselves. there is this Anambra family that use to stay in Asaba back then. they rejected their son attempt to marry a girl from Ebonyi. I asked why and one of them told me ebonyi and Abia are not real Igbo's. this people don't have love among the 5 southeast state but they want to drag other states to their self

There is nothing wrong with the Igbos, no one said there was. I love the Igbos and I married one. We’re just rejecting an ethnicity that isn’t ours and correcting misconceptions.

Lol to be fair the Igbo identity and unity is a relatively new concept as well. It didn’t take off till after the colonial masters left.

niaralandtopuser:
before they use to celebrate only Anioma day but now Anioma, ndokwa and ukwuani day are celebrated differently

Very true, the ANIOMA umbrella is disintegrating. There are just too many dialects under the umbrella, also those with dialects that are more mutually intelligible with Igbo tend to want to identify with the Igbo tribe, which an Ndoni man will vehemently reject.

Nowenuse:


Thank you very much. This is what many people like horsepower101 do not understand.

Many of them have never been to Delta state or lived there before. They just rely on what they see on the internet.
Personally I hate micro divisions, I believe in unity of people with similar cultures and orientation. Hence I regard Aniomas as Igbos, but many of them reject this.

Women were having a regional gathering in the Assemblies of God church one time in Delta state and every ethnic group were asked to present their cultures. Anioma & Igbo women did not present together at all. Igbo women presented theirs, then Anioma women came separately to present theirs.

Because the cultures are not similar at all. We differ in language, food, dress, politics, wedding, just about any cultural practice that defines an ethnicity.

niaralandtopuser:
Even the Anioma is now divided into Ndokwa, ukwuani and Anioma

That’s always what ANIOMA has always meant. It is not a word, it’s an acronym of local governments of the Ndokwa/Ukwuani people.

Aniocha Ndokwa Ika Oshimili and M, A was added. There is no place that is Anioma. It was a way to bring all the different dialects together.

Igboid:


So Ndoni are now Bini people as well, okwa ya?

Does it have to be one or the other? How about he has is own ethnicity completely different from the two you mentioned.

What makes you a member of an ethnic group?

Ewedegubbler:
LoL..this Ikwere non Igbo nonsense is laughable. 90% of them are married to eastern igbos, Amaechi married from Enugwu Ukwu, Odili and many more. It is a standard practice that their children are sent to their maternal homes to get deeply entrenched into the Igbo culture and way of life so that they can be resourceful. Yet dem no be igbo.

This na just 419 wey Igbos do Nigeria in order for them to not lose Rivers to Alhamajeri and their slaves from the west..

Las Las Igbo Amaka
Edokpolo
Yoruba Ronu
Nigeria ajoka

Odili is not Ikwerre. He is Ndoni and he is not Igbo.

Prec1ous:


My first paragraph had a sentence where I spoke against the violence.

From the tone of her post, she is not ready to leave her marriage, she is here because she wants to fight and salvage the situation. If she wants to leave, she will not be here asking for solutions.

She wants her husband's love back and I am telling her something she needs to achieve as part of that step.

ALSO, nothing is in black and white. you will still brood over issues one day without telling your partner and still vilify him for not noticing. I am certain you have done it in the past too.

[s]I saw your comment telling her to leave, you may as well, go to her house and pack up her bag for her.[/s]

Read her post again... She wants to fight and save her marriage even if it is not the best. She is not ready to leave. If not, she will on her own!

Of course no one wants to leave their marriage even if sometimes that’s the best thing to do in a toxic marriage. Leaving or separating from a spouse is one of the most difficult things to do and most times, people don’t leave until they’ve gone through some sort of intervention.

What you’re doing is minimizing the physical abuse and trying to justify or look for reasons why he might’ve hit her. Barring self defense, there is NO reason or justification for a physical assault. While you’re telling her to talk to a man that has already told her he wants nothing to do with her, a man that hit her because she woke him up putting her at risk for another miscarriage. Is that what you would tell your daughter to do?

Prec1ous:
I am so sorry about what you are going through, especially the violence. But the problem is about what you have refused see. You are acting on the surface.

But...

Your husband is going through something which you are unaware of. Something is bugging him and being egoistic, he doesn't want to talk but wants you to know and empathize. Weird right?

The reason why he is venting on you is because it is just you he has. But because he is yet to master his problem, this is the reason for his haphazard behavior.

When last did you sit him down and ask about his finance, career, goals, aspirations?

Your husband needs you to talk to him and all those talks about respect from him is just to summarize his defensiveness.

Your husband is going through something, reach into his heart. He loves you you and that other wife talk is a big bluff. He only wants you to step up. Reach out to him.

I hear you, so because he is going through something, she should get hit enough to cause a miscarriage. What kind of marriage is that? Is that not the point of marriage, together as one. If you so much hate being vulnerable sharing your problems with your spouse enough to physically abuse them then you shouldn’t be in the union.

Habby121:
This started two months ago he wasn't like this

So all a sudden he started seeing you as disrespectful?? This is straight from a cheaters playbook. They need to demonize their victim in order to justify their cheating and assuage their conscience. Anyways, you don’t deserve to get hit.

Habby121:
I'm pregnant now but it's still very young..i'm 9 weeks gone, he Hurt me anytime I try to apologize to him, he hits and pushes me but I now try to avoid him because I don't want another miscarriage ..he even hit me yesterday because I tried waking him up, he said I shouted at him, and I'm disrespectful, he even went to bed without talking to me.

I am sorry but you need to leave or at least remove yourself from this toxic environment. I know it’s not easy to just up and leave but physical abuse is not something you should endure. He’s a very mean person and no one deserves to live like this, marriage is hard enough as is.

While you wait to get yourself to the emotional place you need to be to leave, look for/do something that takes up most of your time. Since he sees every interaction with him as disrespectful, Ignore him completely, keep busy and focus on yourself and your unborn baby, with time you will become emotionally independent from him.

bukatyne:


@ Bold:

Since you say African, I can't dispute for other African countries.

However for Nigeria,
1. Yoruba culture frowns against housewifery. They are called alabodos (women you feed to sleep with)
2. In SS, their women are more hardworking than men. Infact, you see a number of househusbands (and don't get it twisted, they are not keeping the house.) They wander about, drink while their wives go to the farm or business and wait for food.
3. A visit to markets, street hawkers, salons, canteens, restaurants etc. will tell you that majority of women don't sit their behinds in Nigeria.

Now if you are saying that the wives expect the husbands to be financially responsible for most stuffs in the house, that is a different ball game which is also a pipe dream considering that only few homes can claim that one income is enough to run it.

Lol you just described my father’s people to a T. Although, the women can drink all the men under the table. How come you’re so accurate, did you serve in the SS?

fieryy:


His post made me so angry, to be honest. A lot of us grew up in households were our mums went to work AND still came back to do all the cooking and washing and co.

You just have to walk through the streets of Nigeria, go to market etc, everywhere is full of hardworking women. From the women preparing swallow on the streets (I mean, have you seen those BIIIIG pots?! ), to those frying and selling akara and co. Those who despite being pregnant or sometimes are carrying a child on their backs, still are hawking, just to provide for the family.
These are small businesses, but they are still businesses!

His post is an insult to all the mums, who despite having a hard day at work, go home to cater to their young ones and do all the house chores (because we know the man is not going to do nothing!)

How many of us, when asked what does your mum do for a living, reply with "Oh, she is a housewife, who watches Telemundo all day"

Don't be surprised if his mum sweated to get him where he is today, yet all he has to say is "Most Nigerian women are lazy, dadadada".

He talks about how some men don't even want their wives to work, but is ignorant to the fact that the average Nigerian man CAN NOT feed his family based on his salary alone.

Don’t mind him he knows better, he got carried away by the recent spate of “what do women bring to the table?” Threads on NL.

fieryy:



What exactly are you talking about?! Just because your mum was home watching Telemundo all day, doesn't mean all mums do. Are you blind to do women on the streets hawking under the scorching sun all day, women who are into businesses (small or big), trying to support their families. We live in a world where women are doctors and lawyers, engineers and teachers etc.

So get the f out of here!

Exactly! Yet these women still find time and space for emotional bonding with their kids. The thing is in our culture is not manly to be emotional, so that aspect of child rearing is outsourced to the mother.

fieryy:



Don't mind him. African women are the most hardworking women I know. Period!

That’s why I was surprised at his post, I’ve always known him to be objective most of the time.

Nigeria’s form of patriarchy is unique in the sense that women are expected to take up traditional roles while not being a ‘liability’ and this has been true even before organized labor.

MrBrownJay1:
i blame African society and mentality for that... how can a man have a decent r/ship with his kids when he has to slave away 24/7 while wifey is at home watching Telemundo and having a fantastic r/ship with the kids?!?!?!

as soon as kids are old enough (3yrs old), you BOTH need to work so that daddy can work less and spend MORE time with kids.

Et tu? You were one of the few good ones left.

Do you really think the bolded is the reality of the family DNA in Nigeria? Since pre-colonial era with most ethnic groups and eventual Nigeria, it was never a norm in our culture for a wife to be a real housewife. It’s actually a stigma to be a real housewife.

OP, I absolutely agree with you. However, it’s changing, the current generation of Nigerian men are actually more hands on than their fathers were. In my circle, the dads are very hands on, they bond with their kids.

Arsenal’s front office is the problem with their profit over trophies motto.

RoyalUc:


Welcome sis

Thank you.

RoyalUc:


Nwa onyeye oma! Oteofe!

excel101:
Yes my brother, Ndokwa for life.

Danniedpastor:


Okay, aje

Ndoni, Rivers State.

Apologies. Indeed you did state that some women like men that show emotions, I should’ve read your post carefully.

I used the story of my then 7 y/o to highlight how men are conditioned to be stoic. It’s one thing to try to be brave in the face of danger and it’s another to be told not to cry when you’re grieving. It’s very common in Nigeria for people to tell a grown man not to cry.

I agree with you that there are more women that are attracted to ‘stoic’ men than not, but it’s because we’ve been socialized that way. Men are conditioned to be stoic, while women are to be demure, virtuous and we are to look for those traits when we’re looking for romantic partners.

pansophist:


Lol, losing debate, ego, etc Is there a prize to win? Who cares?

I stand my ground that women love stoic men, men generally will agree with this. Its evident with the broke shaming tactics, man up, cry baby etc men are labelled with when they complain about anything they bothers them. Also, what women say they want is different from what they respond to, and I tell you this base on my experience and reality as a man.

You don't have to agree, i do not intend to win any debate, that's projection. Feel free to disagree.

Don’t mind him, it’s a Nigerian ego thing, doesn’t want to appear he’s losing a debate on a public forum. How can you be paraphrasing when you literally disagreed with him on his premise that “women love stoic men”?

LilMissFavvy:
Exactly......I was wondering if I didn't read his messages properly.

pansophist:


What you wrote is a parapharisation of what I wrote as well. Thanks for your input.

NO

You said “women love stoicism” she’s saying that’s not true, that’s a generalization. Not all women love stoicism in a man, I love it when men show emotions, showing emotions doesn’t mean you’re less a man. The “don’t cry you’re a man” culture is bullish!t.

I remember when my son was 7 y/old and he was crying because his best friend, his grandfather was dead (my father) and extended family members were admonishing him not to cry because men don’t cry, bulls!t!! Men like women feel pain and loss and they should be allowed to express their emotions without shame.

Absolutely! You said it way better than I did, and very succinct too.

cc. lilwetdick

ornicus:


The only state really pushing for womens rights is Lagos. Laws do not mean anything if they are not enforced.there is a law against homosexuals, so how many have actually been arrested and jailed for 14 years? Even in this same Lagos, several laws are not really enforced.chikd trading is against the law. All the laws do not mean anything if the CULTURE does not change. And culture will not change quickly if it is not fought for. How many women are active agitating for womens rights? You remember the law student who caused a commotion over wearing hijab as a law student? That's how you start the conversation and the change.today muslim law students can wear hijab. Female lawyers cannot wear trousers.until a lady openly agitates, this will continue

lilwetdick:


where in the Islamic world did social media had an effect or change the laws, i am sure you must be talking about saudi arabia, just because women are driving doesnt mean they have equal rights with men, actually saudi women have been driving in the rurals areas for long until recently when they were allowed to drive in city centers. this plan to allow women to drive have been in motion before any social media activism, social media is censored and monitored in many islamic countries

That’s my point even in countries where SM is banned and censored, yet an outcry on SM caused by a viral moment can influence laws in countries. In Iran, the viral picture and news of a woman that set herself on fire after being caught and arrested for trying to sneak into a stadium. FIFA was also dragged to oblivion.

Saudi Arabia women were ONLY allowed to drive in their compounds not on major/public roads. The co-founder of ‘women to drive’, a US resident, in 2008 started posting videos of women driving, these videos became viral. There were numerous campaigns and online petition on Facebook, Twitter etc. There was a planned boycott of car companies who supply cars to SA. Then in 2011, a Saudi woman filmed herself driving on the streets of Saudi, her subsequent arrest made the ‘women to drive’ campaign more viral.

Obviously these are very small changes and it doesn’t mean there is now gender equality in Sharia countries. Small changes lead to reforms.

lilwetdick:

there are laws that guarantee education of a child and laws against child labour pls check the Child Rights Act which was implemented in 2017

Misleading

The Child Rights Act 2003 does not have any effect if states don’t implement it (the constitution gave only states the right, it’s voided anywhere else) Only 16 states have written the law and none are enforced. In Nigeria right now there are no child labor laws. The law that comes close is in the Labour act whose jurisdiction only covers manual and clerical workers.

lilwetdick:

The constitution of Nigeria prohibits discrimination on the grounds of place of origin, sex, religion, status, ethnic or linguistic association or ties.

Ditto above. This law is also non justiciable. There is no legal recourse for Nigerians that experience employment discrimination.

lilwetdick:

under crinimal code act, there is a law against sexual harrasment

Any person who sexually harasses another is guilty of a felony and is liable to imprisonment for three (3) years.

Obviously there is a criminal penalty for a proven sexual harassment. I was referring to workplace sexual harassment where most are civil cases.

You’re right! even though there is no federal law, National industrial court was created for employment related civil cases one of which is workplace sexual harassment and they have actually settled sexual harassment cases, just read two cases that went in favor of the plaintiff!

http://compendium.itcilo.org/en/compendium-decisions/national-industrial-court-of-nigeria-ejieke-maduka-v-microsoft-19-december-2013-case-no-nicn-la-492-2012

Lawmakers are trying to pass a bill for sexual harassment in schools, churches etc influenced by conversations that started after a viral moment.