₦airaland Forum

Angelfrost:
Anyone saying marriage is easy is just lying pathetically!!!... If it were a bed of roses, there would be no divorce at all!

Yea, marriage is not a bed of roses but some DO have easy marriages.

unmask:
why do you say it is necessary?

Most people want children more than they want marriage. However, for an organized society, marriage is necessary for a two parent, child rearing. Not every child will have this for circumstances beyond their control but most children do and that’s good for society. I still think marriage is unnatural.

Also, some societies have made marriages civil, there are benefits attached to being married. I guess it’s that society’s way of encouraging marriage.

cococandy:
Married for 6 years going on 7.

I must tell you that the timeline people prescribe for certain things is often not the same for everyone. So the peak of your romance may not be when you expect it. Your difficult times may not be a the very beginning. Etc

What surprised me most is the inevitable fights you’re told that you’re supposed to be having. That may never happen depending on your temperament. So you may find yourself having dull boring disagreements that you won’t even know when it’s over. But nothing explosive that requires hot make up s*x like the romance books describe .

Absolutely! I should have highlighted that in my post. The timeline is not applicable to every marriage. Also, was going to grad school for the first three years of my marriage, juggling marriage, kids, and a hectic grad school was challenging. Going into marriage and everyone telling me the first few years are growing pains kinda helped me not freak out too much and settle into it.

Dyt, it wasn’t my intention to be all doom and gloom lol, that’s not reflective of all marriages and mine. I was just trying to be as honest as I can. I would definitely not trade my family for the world.

Carchoice:
i don’t know why you people are making marriage sound like it’s a war zone. You married the wrong person no doubt. We all get to find out after marriage.

Here’s the truth of the matter, it’s either you married the wrong person or YOU ARE THE WRONG PERSON.

No, I didn’t marry the wrong person. I am just being realistic, living with someone for the rest of your life will not always be romantic and easy. There are different stages in marriages where it’s excellent, good, bad, sometimes ugly and then neutral.

Also, when people say their marriage is easy, sometimes it’s one sided, they are probably oblivious of their partner’s sacrifice to make the marriage an easy one for them.

An ‘easy’ marriage is not common even for those in-love. Sometimes I think the concept of marriage is unnatural but necessary. If I am single again (knock on wood) in the future, I wouldn’t want to get married again. Some marriages have its ebbs and flows. The first two years can be difficult for obvious reasons. Then marriage challenges in year 8 (that’s generally the time some marriages hit a wall).

DH and I are in cruise control now, children are getting older, careers are taking off with more responsibilities. They say if you make it past year 7-8 unscathed, you are good.

Modified.

Hathor5:
I will not disagree with you because many people reason like you have described above but I think it is also equally important to recognize and appreciate those who don't. I have seen them here and I have met others offline. Someone very close to me considers every man who raises his hand for whatever reason against a woman a loser, so did his father and so do his brothers.

Of course we all know some men that don’t hit women and hate domestic violence. However, to say “many” that’s not reality.

Hathor5:
@bold


In all fairness I have to say that many Nigerian men, even on this forum, disapprove of and condemn domestic violence.

Lol where??

This isn’t condemning domestic violence,

“I don’t support domestic violence o, but...”
then go on to tell the woman to forgive and stay in her marriage and try not to provoke the husband too much that being a man is not easy.

Many Nigerians (men and women) believe if a woman talks back during an argument, a slap or a belt like on the thread I read yesterday, is not out of place. Only TWO people on that thread commented it wasn’t normal for a husband to belt his wife.

Nigerians only care about DV when the victim is dead or very visibly battered. That’s when everybody will remember their favorite phrase “why didn’t she leave?” When a wife is being slapped around or beaten sometimes most people don’t view it as DV, it’s normal in a marriage.

The truth is, here in the US, most Nigerian women don’t report DV, they are still bound by the Nigerian culture of silence. Most times, it’s a neighbor, a school teacher, a co-worker that reports and 9/10 the woman always declines to press charges. It’s always sad to see it.

eyinjuege:
I wonder o.

People just like beer parlour stories and will propagate it further.

These documents do get lost in real life, and they can always be replaced.



Why should your brother beat up his wife?
Violence is never tolerated abroad for any reason, and I'm sure he knew this.
So why did he do it? He didn't care about the repercussions abi?
Its normal to call the police for any reason. Even neighbors will call the police on you if they hear any noise from your house. Na their work be that.
I find it really annoying when Nigerians travel to another country, know they're immigrants with only residential permit and start misbehaving there. You will just lose all for a stupid reason and lack of self control.
Was the beating worth the consequences at the end of the day?

Lol don’t mind them, when they realize the nonsense they do back home to their wives is illegal in a civilized country they start crying “law favors women in the West” I deal with a lot of them here. They act surprised and feel victimized when they are not allowed to abuse women. Hehehe.

LinLinGentle:
UPDATE:

Divorce has now been filed. I also recently got lucky as I was able to secure a restraining order when she messed up again and hit me daring me to do my worst. I called the police and made a proper case and she was arrested. She has been banned from the house for a month. The police advised me to talk to my lawyer and extend indefinitely if I want to. I hope to get this done ASAP. The law here does not only protect women but also protects innocent men. All you need is patience and wisdom. Thank you all for your ideas. Still several hurdles to cross but I am on the winning side for now.

Nice of you to give an update.

This is for the Nigerian men that have deluded themselves with the lie “the law favor women”.

FYI for the bolded, the law as is doesn’t care about gender. You do the crime, you do the time. You can’t just lie to the police and the justice system that you were abused and because you’re a woman your alleged abuser will be prosecuted and sent to prison without evidence.

Conveniently all the anti-bullying superheroes are missing from this thread.

KanwuliaExtra:
Oh no! I am referring to cases where the spouse EVENTUALLY finds out while still married, like the case of Maria and Arnold. You are referring to the other case, where Mr. Beana was TOTALLY in the dark.

Oh ok. Some of these women don’t really mind the cheating/love child, they only leave when the cheating has been exposed so as not to look ‘weak’. Ditto Wendy Williams. Wendy wouldn’t have left if Daily Mail didn’t break the story. She knew the mistress was pregnant and she wasn’t going to leave. In the West, especially celebrity women get bashed for not leaving a cheating spouse. So the women invent stories like “break babies” to justify staying with the cheat.

Donald3d:
It depends on what you did exactly
What was the issue ?
If you give person belle, you need to lie down sef


Seriously now, what was the issue ?
I am guessing Domestic violence ?

Talk to us, we might be able to help

Lol exactly! OP, what did you do?

Queenttoast01:
He was the first to wake up and ask me what happened because I screamed so hard.

When you woke up did you feel any pains, pain you get if your neck was being strangled?

Juell:
And he couldn't leave the place or collect the belt from her.... Seems the guy is high on some cheap drugs

Right, also report her for assault.

yvelchstores:
love child is a child that was had from cheating, ie there is already a marriage before the illegal conception. You are mixing it up.

How is she mixing it up? Women have love children too, only the husband thinks it’s his.

JourneytoEL:
its still society. You are more likely to see women ready to change the narrative amongst the upper class members of the nigerian society, but you the middle class and lower class ehn, i have personally met women who told me who feminism epp, they prefer the present state of things where they wait for a man to bring money to their feet.

No lies detected.

The older couple are fostering the child for the legal mother.

Takotsubo:
Hahaha ..not in naija.However,I bet there are lots of people like us..they just don't see the need to talk about it.

One of my first posts on NL was one similar to yours. We could literally be the same person.

I’ve since spent enough time on NL reading and participating on lots of threads to now know that Nigerian women can’t afford to be all 50/50 in their marriages like women/wives in Western societies because the average Nigerian man and the society does NOT believe in the concept of true partnership in a marriage.

Yes! the man will gladly accept your financial contribution but that’s where the partnership ends, the woman is still expected to carryout her ‘roles’ and she’s still NOT treated as an equal partner in the marriage. I fully support Nigerian women that have refused to take on more roles without reward.

Then, the laws?? None recognizes any financial contribution the wife makes in the marriage. As a wife you can still get kicked out legally of the house you helped build/rent with the clothes on your back.

Bukatyne, you’re not a victim.

I think it’s very unfortunate that you’ve decided to hide behind a wall of fake victimhood, rather than address the questions about the incoherent premise (which was on purpose) in your OP posted on a public forum.

I see, hear and read a lot of ladies been advised to 'face their career (which is actually work sef) and think of marriage later'.

Or just the short form 'career before marriage'.

Whatever variation of the advise, it generates laughter in me because

You purposely redefined the popular phrase above so you can create a loophole in your OP. It’s actually pretty devious. When people disagree with what you actually mean, then you can always point out the “work” in your OP. So basically you invented a new meaning of a popular phrase that is easier to argue against. There is a word for that.

The phrase has always been about getting your career on track before you get married, if you so desire. It has never been about work.

This was a sloppy OP.

Admissionclass:
Hmmm so river is now an obstacles for migration when some tribes have climbed rugged mountains to migrate ok no one is forcing you to be Igbo good luck I am just pained Ojukwu went to war because of an anioma man named kaduna nzeogwu.we don't need you guys you guys are labdlocked

We also wished he didn’t. Thousands of innocent Asaba young men and little boys wouldn’t have died for a war or a cause they pledged no allegiance to. Ojukwu got to live out his natural years, same can’t be said for the Asaba victims.

OP please know your history. Biafrans invaded and occupied the region. They installed Igbo army generals to control the region. They needed that region to take the fight to Lagos. The region was not consulted and no allegiance was given. Biafrans were defeated at Ore, they retreated and blew up the bridge, essentially trapping Asaba people with the invading Nigerian troops. The massacre that ensued is the fault of Biafra and the Nigerian troops.

ANIOMA is not Igbo. We have a very different culture and lifestyle, “Delta Igbo” is a misnomer. Unfortunately, our fathers were not proud of our heritage so they gave their kids Igbo names to blend with a dominant culture. ANIOMA people have their own first names. We have names like and they sound nothing like Igbo.
Anupu, Isama, Otunniya, Okwanuzor, Ishicheri, Okwubiri, Ebinum, Egwenum, Osanebi, Ossai etc

Most ANIOMA languages and Igbo is not even mutually intelligible.

Some Languages in ANIOMA have Benin in them, phenotypically, ANIOMA look nothing like the Igbos, also River Niger would have made it much more difficult for the migratory trend to have been from the east. After migration and later trading is responsible for the Igboid in the ANIOMA group of languages.

It’s 2020 and we’re building malls in Nigeria?? What a waste.

Michellekabod2:
Thank you sis,thats the mistake i made,used my moniker.i shouldnt have

Ignore the immature comments.

I don’t understand why this thread is getting so much hate. Nigerian men don’t like honest women, you tried to be as honest as you could in your self introspection, you’re unhappy and you want to change and you asked for advice on how you can sustain a healthy relationship. So what’s bad in that?

It’s the fake it till I get the ring women that fit Nigerian men.

Next time open a new moniker (m) and flip the gender in your thread, you will get much more objective posts.

healthserve:
Another wrong move. Its not about people whom you'll never meet. Sieve the comments and take the ones you want for yourself but not suck them in to the extent it predetermines your actions, present or future. Another wrong move. It's a public forum, and excessively opening self to the effects of comments can also create damage if not ignored or properly managed or overlooked


The spotlight should be on the condition/you, and a better understanding of self and distractions should be avoided by all means possible

WTF is wrong with you? Obviously your ‘advice’ is not in good faith. Your million likes is not enough for you now you’re doing a victory lap all over her thread. You’re very immature.

Mich, this is the reason people use a different moniker to seek advice on this forum because some people here are very childish, they can never be objective when they have a beef with a moniker or worse if it’s an (f). So childish that even if you open a thread that you cured cancer they will still find a way to cuss you out.

As some people have mentioned already, you’re probably introverted/too smart for the company you keep and none so far has been able to hold your attention long enough. You’re still young, go out as much as you can and meet people. You will finally meet the one, ignore all the threats of Shiloh.

This isn’t enough, the parents or guardians of that child should also be arrested!

ocmarion:
Thank you all for your contributions ' its emotionally exhausting and i have decided to keep my apartment ... might probably rent another place as she refuse to leave will move my properties when she is gone to work and leave for good will keep my kids and get them a maid . will get a lawyer to look into all this .... i will update you all on the next move ... i need more contributions on this i cant really think straight right now . all your prayers too i just want the best for my kids and i dont want them to end up hating me in future . I will leave my door open for visiting i wont necessary ask her for child support... Thank you all

Taking the kids with you without her consent is a huge mistake for your future child custody battle and it’s also kidnapping. Get a lawyer, start from today, record and document any and everything that would prove you’re the fit parent to get physical custody of the kids.

However, the timing is not in your favor. You’ve to explain the seven years of marriage where she was a stay at home mom and your kids were fine. You’ll have to explain how a mother can be unfit in such a short period.

Pavore9:
If you can prove beyond doubt in court that your wife is mentally unstable and have a certified psychological assessment to back it up and her being the primary caregiver of the kids exposes them to danger physically and emotionally.

She doesn’t have to be mentally unstable, all OP needs is to prove she is an unfit custodial parent.

I can see three things he can use, if he can prove it. Her hectic work schedule, the children being exposed to weed and the uncle.

The girl’s parents or guardians should also be arrested.

I am just seeing this thread, you didn’t tag me well.

Michellekabod2:
This aint a gender based thing but a general law dont take laws into your hands.
My question is,in case there is a feud between two opposite genders and one(male/female) offer a slap to another (male/female) and the recipent of the slap retailated without the grave effects(slumping,death) or any injury on both the parties .how will the law address it? (If both parties are in good shape afterwards).

I dont know why a sane person cant just walk away ,why do humans love stress?

Thanks Mich.

I thought it meant the law was “rubbish”, anyways, I didn’t think it deserved a response.

To the above, generally, if the retaliatory force is comparable to the one you received then it’s not an assault. The aim of the law is, provocation is not an excuse for a physical beatdown. If you’re going to give someone a beatdown then your life must have been in danger or you had no means to escape. The law no longer sees you as a victim.

I agree. It’s always best to keep your hands to yourself don’t go slapping or hitting people. If you can, always walk away from provocation. Also, believe it or not those provisions for defense of an assault is in the Nigerian criminal code, it’s not just a “Western” law but laws are rarely enforced in Nigeria. Ironically, if people are on the receiving end of a slap/provocation by a bigger and stronger person, they’ll walk away and bemoan the lawlessness in our country, most people don’t like the law until they need it.

Plead:
Rubbish. What if the girl doesn’t faint when the man reciprocate the slap?

If you’re asking if the boyfriend’s use of force will still be justified, if he can prove the following:
- threat to life
- no means to escape
- comparable force
Then, it is. If he can’t, then it wasn’t. The appropriate action is to report his girlfriend to the police. Of course this is the law in my neck of the woods. If you’ve a violent significant other, I advise you check your local laws on assault and battery or you breakup with her.

bukatyne:
People can walk away.

Do I want to find out if the person I am fingering their mind would walk away?

No.

I am not that bold.

Lol, good for you!

What does what you would do personally to prevent a physical beatdown got to do with how the law has defined fair justification for the use of violence

The law is very clear on the definition of fraud but personally, we take precautions to avoid been a victim. Ditto any crime. What’s your point?