₦airaland Forum

^^^

Come oh . . . Na joke be dis?

Dani?

^^^

Thanx

During a family quiz the husband was asked:

Mod: sir, Do u know the meaning of wife?

Husband: 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'.

Wife on hearing replies: It also means 'With ediot For Ever'.

_ _ _


Judge: The last time I saw you in the court, I told you that I never ever wanted you to come here again. Isn't that true?

Accused: Thats what I told the police your
honor, but they didnt listen to me.

_ _ _

Beggar: Actually I am an author. I wrote '100 ways to become rich'

Mr. Roger: Then why are you begging?

Beggar: err, This is actually one of the ways to become rich.

A king offered half his kingdom or a 1000 kilos of gold or his daughter's hand in marriage if any brave man could cross a river full of poisonous snakes and crocodiles.

No one volunteered but one young man jumped in to the river and crossed it without any difficulty.

The king asked: "What do you want brave man, half of my kingdom?"

The man said: "No your majesty"

King: "Then the 1000 kilos of gold?"

Man: "No your majesty"

King: "Then my daughter's hand in marriage?"

Man: "No your majesty"

King: "Then what is it that you want?"

Man: "The name of the person who pushed me in the darned river".

Boyfriend: Can we have a battle of intelligence between us?

Girlfriend: No thanks, I can never fight an 'unarmed person'

_ _ _

A sign board outside a restaurant said:

"Eat as much as you can and let your grandchildren pay the bill"

A man entered the restaurant, ate as much as he can and when the waiter gave him the bill he pointed to the sign board, "Don't you see, only my grandchild needs to pay for this bill".

The waiter said, "I understand Sir, this is not your bill. It is actually your grandfather's bill".

During a trial The court becomes crowded and rowdy.

Judge: Order! Order!

Culprit: oh yeah, I will have Two hamburgers and a soda please.

_ _ _

During a manifesto the Political leader is giving a speech:

POLITICIAN: If you vote for me, I will build a bridge for you.

MASSES(confused): But we don’t have any river in our town.

POLITICIAN: oh that's not an issue, I will 'dig a
river' and then 'build the bridge'

I applied for a job with a building society the other day. I studiously completed the application form and gave it back to the Manager who read through it and when he had finished said "With your credentials, I have the perfect opening for you"

"Great" I replied happily while rubbing my palms together, "and what kind of opening is that sir"

"It's called the door" he said pointing, "Now get the hell out of my office", he screamed.

Two men were walking outside a graveyard in Germany when they heard strange musical notes coming from one of the graves. Teeth
chattering, one of the men asked the other, "What the heck is that sound?"

The other man said: "Oh, that must be Beethoven's grave. He is decomposing"

_ _ _


Son: Mom, everyone in school is teasing
me calling me a
werewolf.

Mom: Don't bother
about them son.
Now sit down still
so that I can 'comb
your face'.

_ _ _

Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.

Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?

Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

A young boy was teaching mathematics to a young girl, saying that this was his practical.

He kissed her once; he then kissed her again; he kissed her a third time adding "There, thats addition".

She silently gave him the kisses back sweetly saying " So that will be subtraction?".

They then kissed each other at the same time. Both smiled and said together "That's multiplication.”

Just at that moment, the young girls father opened the door and caught them. He then kicked the boy out of the window of the room shouting "That's LONG DIVISION you ediot".

ARMY GENERAL : "Private Carson I don't remember seeing you in camouflage class today!"

SOLDIER : "oh, Thank you very much sir."

_ _ _

How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the burkey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

_ _ _

^^^

What are you insinuating?

Take your time oh!

Na advice I been wan advice una oh

Make una nor dey call me armu robba . . . Abi I don thief your tin before?

Try take the advice or forget am

Na only people wey nor dey travel at all for their life go dey fit open their yeye mouth dey castigate the thing wey I write for this thread

cindyrella: Aka super glue

Aka magnet

booqee: Na front teeth go pain me pass sha.

@lilkech. You never answer qst.

I answered from a 'third person' perspective. I thought you were asking yourself those questions so I just made the choices more obvious for you to decide.

Where is my payment for the consultancy?

We all know that armed bandits have been laying ambush for unsuspecting motorists and travelers on our highways especially on the lonely stretch of road between the Benin by-pass and the town of Benin itself. I don't think our police force can help out at this particular area of the highway so we need to be prepared for the worst.

They manage to stop vehicles and buses by either throwing objects onto the road directly in the path of your vehicle, pretending to be servicing a broken down vehicle or they just COME OUT GUNS DRAWN AND DANGEROUSLY POINTING IT AT YOUR VEHICLE or worse still BLAZE AT YOU.

If you are ever unfortunate enough to be stopped by those highway robbers, please take special heed to the advice I wish to give on this thread.

STEP 1

Once you notice the robbers trying to pull your vehicle over, just 'FLOOR IT', unless of course they have their guns already pointed directly at you from afar. In this case 'JUST STOP YOUR VEHICLE' because you wouldn't want to test if their weapons are loaded, or do you? I seriously hope not.

STEP 2

If your vehicle gets pulled over, do not make the mistake of trying to fight your way out of the situation because of the likely consequence (see step 1 above)

STEP 3

Normally at this stage the bandits will commence to quickly search you and the full vehicle for plunder able valuables. If you are in a commuter bus, then the bandits will force the doors open and coerce the passengers to RUN INTO THE BUSH adjacent the lane you were pulled over on (to the right). I prefer to run into the bush also but ON THE OPPOSITE LANE OF THE HIGHWAY or ON THE HIGHWAY ITSELF AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE (if the chance presents itself). If you were robbed on the road itself then forget about the next steps and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE FAST.

IN THE NEXT STEPS IT IS ASSUMED THAT YOU ARE TRAVELLING ALONE. THIS IS BECAUSE YOU ARE ACTUALLY ON YOUR OWN AT THIS POINT, FORGET 'CROWD MENTALITY' AND USE YOUR BRAIN FROM HERE ON

STEP 4

Once the bandits demand that you run into the bush you can either choose to crouch and whimper in the bus (feint hearted) or dash out from the bus. Please remember to leave your traveling bags and heavy stuff in the bus before leaving it (no matter what you've got in it) as carrying them will slow you down and automatically turn you into a target for the bandits to single out. If you remained in the bus then just sit tight and await the return of the other members of your vehicle from the bush.

NOW IT GETS REALLY SERIOUS AND TRICKY FROM HERE

STEP 5

Once you are out of the bus and dashing into the jungle please DO NOT RUN TOGETHER WITH/ IN THE SAME DIRECTION WITH YOUR CO-PASSENGERS as the crowd mentality will cloud your judgment. You should under no circumstance run MORE THAT A FEW METERS INTO THE BUSH before falling on the ground and LAYING THERE FOR NO MORE THAN 10 MINUTES before getting up and slowly make your way back to the road in another direction from which either you or your co-passengers came into the bush. This is because the bandits will waste no time in plundering the bus/car and then taking off into the same bush themselves.

If you run too far into the bush YOU WILL DEFINITELY ENCOUNTER THE REST OF YOUR CO-PASSENGERS AS WELL AS THE MAIN GANG OF BANDITS (did you really think that the 3 or 4 guys that stopped your vehicle were all the members of the gang? Well, think again) plus you also run the risk of getting lost and losing your handy belongings (phones, wallets, purses e.t.c) in the confusing jungle marathon race that you and others would have participated in.

BUT IF YOU DID RUN DEEP INTO THE JUNGLE OUT OF FEAR, THEN READ ON.

STEP 6

Band together with other members of your vehicle and then coordinate within yourselves to present the bandits with the valuables you can afford to lose (yes, because the robbers MUST find you) and try to find a safe and traceable place to hide the items that you consider of high value to you. Remember to keep little cash for your transport fare aside just in case but remember that YOU MUST PRESENT THE ROBBERS WITH SOMETHING(S) OF TANGIBLE INTEREST TO BE CONSIDERED 'SAFE' AT THIS POINT. Failure to do so might cause the bandits to inflict injuries on you or worse still cost you your life.

Once and after you have been robbed just immediately proceed to make your way back to your vehicle which must still be parked on the highway itself (unless of course your driver has left you behind), THANK THE LORD YOUR GOD and continue with your journey.

Have a nice travel experience and safe journey.

So only me is the 17th

Na wah

BIGVAJINA: you no get moiney you wan chop bigvajina u dey craze

No ooo

Na pipo wey nor get money dey find big ones

Pipo wey get plenty money dey like small - thight ones ;p

Dat wan nor mean say I call you 'arsharwo' oh

Op and joblessness

No wonder at MMA as we dey scan the bags of all these women wey dey travel go UK dem been dey hide stainless steel scissors for inside

Men been dey carry their own binatone clipper gan

Na wah

booqee: Which one dey pain pass to lose:
Your time starts now...

1. Phone (no be palasa I dey talk oh) - no throw away am, kuku dash me abeg

2. Virginity - I fit help you loss this one any day any time

3. Front Teeth - person wey ugly don ugly. This one no fit help am at all. E better make you close mouth than to dey flash am. you don see 'MONKEY WEY LICK LIME BEFORE' . . ?

4. Money (millions) - abeg throw away am where I dey waka pass well well oh. . By the way, who you rob in the first place?

5. Lover(break up after 7yrs) - anything wey make me date a girl for seven years mean say she either cook juju give me or
her money dey smell well well (beauty/character nor get level for this one)

Wey my cheque?

[quote author=BUSHY-ANUS]you open my thread and comment "you dey craze", you self dey craze pass, you dey craze[/quote]You carry 'bush' for nyash dey use am pose, you never wan gree barb am?

Shebi "YOU DEY CRAZE" . . . ?

Ojisik: I'M A HUSTLER,I COULD SELL MILK TO A COW
I'M A HUSTLER, I COULD SELL PORK TO A PIG

Me I'm a kidnapper . . . I CAN SELL YOU TO YOUR FATHER

but wait oh, is this a joke?

booqee: Beht y dani, y dyu act like a new moderator wey job still dey shack im body?? You like to dey show power sha...and e dey pain me seriously!

Oya have you read dis finish? Oya hide dis post too as usual.

Aren't you supposed to be rehearsing your marital vows at some place by now?

Blackteeth: who will be the first to blame GEJ?

Isn't he partly to blame? The driver was on the wrong lane due to the nature of our roads over there

Is that not a federal road?

booqee: Yeah its true i'm getting married august25! I tot to myself dat there are some nice peeps i'd like to share my joy with on NL. So.......
.....won't you wish me well?! ;-)

If u want an invitation, that is if you'll like to attend reply me via my email for more details: buoqui4real@yahoo.com.
And u must come with gifts oh.....!

Eiiiyyyahh !

Remember not to make the mistake of posting directions to the reception here oh, do you wanna know why?

1. Food nor go reach again
2. Drinks nor go reach again
3. Chair go finish (una go spread wrapper for ground)
4. Many pipo won't come to 'spray you money' , they will come to 'pick it for you'
5. Your ex bf's and jealous admirers will stand up when the pastor asks " if anybody is against this union ... Blah-blah-blah"
6. Dance dance dance time go be "azonto time"
7. Bin gbagbo will snatch the mic from your MC
8. Dani will fight to sit beside your father at the high table

There are many more disadvantages, but manage these few for now.

Condoms sell faster than all others

Everybody like to 4lk but nobody wan shake hand with Mr. HIV, GONO or SIPHYY

Guys always keep a spare pack in their wallets just in case (not counting those in their cars, wardrobes, under their foams, in travelling bags e.t.c)