₦airaland Forum

Ajibel:
I want a summary of this joke in one word! Yes 1 word! U wan make i get eye problem cuz i dey read a lengthy dry joke

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YOU ARE HALF BLIND, YOU ALREADY HAVE THE EYE PROBLEM, PLEASE DO NOT BLAME ME OR MY JOKES

THANK YOU

{ SCRATCHES HEAD , THEN DABS SOME TOOTHPASTE ON BOTH HIS EYES AS A SIGN OF CONGOLESE RESPECT }

we guyz suffer very much at the whims of our babes , mschew!!

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

{ THANX }

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A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

{ BEATS CHEST AND POSTS ANOTHER JOKE }


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George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

{ monkey puts on ' back - to - sender' charm}

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

"PREACHER'S ARZE SHOWS!"

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

"PREACHER'S ARZE OUT IN FRONT"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ARZE"

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

"NUN HAS BEST ARZE IN TOWN"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:

"NUN SELLS ARZE FOR $10.00"

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

"NUN ANNOUNCES HER ARZE IS WILD AND FREE"

The Bishop was buried the next day.

rakel05:
i no fit read this. is tooo plenty

EIIIYYIIAAA !!! sorry e hear

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "Okay, I'm back. What can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this, Hold on, Lord." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

Shelly

thumbz up , you try , clap 4 ya self

THIS IS A ACCIDENT REPORT LETTER (VERBATIM) WHICH A BRICK LAYER WROTE TO HIS INSURANCE COMPANY.






Dear Sir
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.


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I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

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Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

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Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh only 135lbs but the blocks weighed over 500lbs.

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Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope [/b]Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

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In the vicinity of the third floor, [b]I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

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This explained the[b] fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone,[/b] as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
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Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

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At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

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As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the[b] two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body[/b].

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Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when[b] I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked[/b].

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I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down on to me, this explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

o kwa kwa

is that all , please continue , i cant believe you stopped telling the joke in the middle , i was already opening my mouth before you ended the story , my mouth is half way open , abeg , i nor be yoruba ooohhh , geezz!!



[size=8pt][size=8pt][size=8pt][size=8pt]O KWA KWA !!![/size][/size][/size][/size]

WHY DO YOU THINK I SAID IT SHOULD BE CALLED " KOBOLAND " ?

Ajibole , you again

If animals have FB or Blackberry account, these are most likely their status:

Poodle: Waiting for my owner to pick me up. Time for saloon

Cockroach: managed to skip from some one’s foot step.

Cow: Huh! Again they are touching my breast, what do they think I am? B**ch?

Cat: my 7th child is asking who is her dad, what shall I tell her??, I don’t even remember. And should I tell her I'm going to eat her?

Mosquito: I am HIV positive this all due wrong sucking !!!

Chicken: If tomorrow I am not updating my status, means I am being served at KFC. Love you all

Octopus: I have just refilled my ink, hurray!!

Pig: [/b]oh gosh they throw the gossips that I am spreading flu…WTF!!

[b]Lice: oh shit!! I entered wrong hair, smells like urinal bowls!

Goat : Friends, don’t go out, Eid holiday is coming

Pig writes a comment on Goat’s status: “ luckily I am haram”

[b]Goat [/b]replies: “ don’t you remember that after Eid is the Chinese new year, ?

yes , in 'swahili'

wiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwi

Ajibel:
This dumb lilkech ought not to be unbanned. You are wasting the threads with these meaningfuless jokes

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So because Ben10 dem don dey count our posts you don decide to try dey carry first for that side abi? Good luck, u go win (as nobody dey mumuish enough to follow you drag am)

Ajibel:
This joke is too dry to comment on,i need sth wet

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Go pour water for ya head na

^^None of the above, cry instead

Emmyk:
Can you summarise the second joke to two lines? Please :-(

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I KNOW YOU ARE A 'SEMI-BLIND' MAN.
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UNTIL YOU FIX WIPER ON YOUR EYES, YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND A WORD I POST.

One day on a plane, all the passengers had boarded and they were eagerly waiting for their pilots to come so that their journey would begin, the pilots were already running late.
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Then two men dressed up in pilot uniforms appeared at the doorway and it was obvious that they were BOTH BLIND because one was 'tap-tapping' around with a 'cane' and the other was tugging the leash of a 'seeing eye dog', even the both of them were wearing shades.
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The men then proceeded forward to the cockpit through the centre isle and were zig -zaging and bumping into the heads of all the passengers sitting at the centre till they got to the cockpit and went in, the passengers looked confused.
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Now the passengers thought that this was a practical joke the plane crew was playing and they giggled and laughed , When the planes engines started they all looked to the stewards with questioning glances and murmured , When the plane started moving they all fastened their seat belts and looked at themselves with frightful gazes , When the plane was on top speed they all started making noises and calling the attention of the planes crew , When the plane was almost at the end of the tarmac the passengers started screaming at the top of their lungs , Then at that last instant the plane lifted off into the air.
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*IN THE COCKPIT*
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PILOT1: you know bob, we better think of retiring from flying.
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PILOT2: why bill?
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PILOT1: because one day, the passengers 'WONT SCREAM' and we will never know 'WHEN TO TAKE OFF'

one day a lawyer was driving out in the city in his limousine and saw a man bent over on the curb EATING GRASS. The lawyer drove beside the man and asked "my friend what seems to be the problem?", and the man said "oh sir, i am penniless and cant afford my rent or food, my family is starving and i do not know what to do", then the lawyer thought to himself for some time and said "okay my friend, cry no more. Come with me to my house", the man then asked "what about my family?", and the lawyer said that he should bring them along also.
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Once they all got to the lawyers house, the lawyer jumped out of his limo happily and said to the man "you and your family will just love it here , THE GRASS IN MY BACK YARD IS 6 FOOT LONG"

NB: please if you step into a plane and see a friend of yours named 'jack', please do not under any circumstance make the mistake of yelling "Hi - JACK"

a man was driving out in the country and came by a farm. He saw the farmer standing all alone in his field doing nothing and looking at nothing. The man them pulled over and approached the farmer asking him "sir, what are you doing out here alone?", and the farmer said "i am trying to win a nobel prize", and the man was puzzled and asked "but how sir?", and the farmer replied "i heard they give the nobel prize to people who are OUT - STANDING - IN - THEIR - FIELD"

Emmyk:
you mean the guy seeing big things?

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D guy in my joke is BLIND and cant see shyte.
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Emmyk:
Why? You never specified that the pool was a water closet.

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After reading this response from you earlier i understood your problem , you shuldnt be trying to read jokes because you have a special sense 'OFF' humour

Dont mind the confused he-goat.

^^ is this guy for real?