₦airaland Forum

mecussey:
That kind of marriage only works if its handled as business partners or contract. I suggest to guys if they marry a feminist or self made woman...come clean and propose the course as business or contract marriage, trust me both of you will be happy. However, some men will not do that, they will rather hide in the name of am the man and drain the woman like parasites to host. If it then didnt work out the way they want, the will claim victim of bad marriage. I suspect thats the case of the OP. He could be one of those who scream I must marry a working class lady.

It's obvious that you've an erroneous understanding about what true feminism and self-made are all about. For the record, feminism doesn't encourage/mean narcissism, therefore, a narcissist shouldn't automatically be mistaken for a feminist. Also, that a woman is self-made (materially accomplished) doesn't automatically mean that she would become a rudeness and conceit personified, so don't automatically equate self-made with contentiousness. . . Connotations of your submission suggested all I said here - extrapolation isn't a crime. LOL.

Community-ness (a healthy relationship) is achievable between a materially accomplished virtuous woman and noble man - regardless of the noble man's financial standing.

It's only in a relationship where expediency rather than principle is the foundation upon which the union is built on, that a woman will automatically assumes a primus inter pares over a man just because she's more materially accomplished than the man - a virtuous woman that's married to a noble man can never be caught in such an abominable act. Don't worry I'm an egalitarian, a conscientious one.

khiaa:
I'm only joking with you. There's noway that I'm prejudice against Nigerians, I wouldn't be here if I were. My heart belongs to a Nigerian. I apologise if I offended you, I was just being silly.

We disagree to agree. . . Don't be too hard on yourself, as for me there's no hard feelings.

khiaa:
Are you a conscientious Nigerian ?
Wow! That question is a oxymoron.
If you are, you are one of the few and RARE that I have ever had a conversation with.

Literally, there's nothing oxymoronic about your question, your prejudice notwithstanding.

khiaa:
Lol On the contrary... Nigerians are known for budding in to their family marital affairs, giving unwanted and unsolicited advice.

It's obvious that you've always associated with unconscientious Nigerians. Now it's about time you start to associate with the conscientious ones, because they don't encourage nosiness. . . You and generalization are inseparable. LOL.

Believe you me that small-mindedness isn't just only a Nigerian thing instead it's global.

khiaa:
Wow!! You should have read my post over again for a clearer understanding of my thoughts before you wrote this book.
I clearly stated that A LOT OF HUSBANDS , NOT ALL HUSBANDS.
I stated that she was WRONG for not CONTRIBUTING to the BILLS.

I also said that she was SELFISH and COLD HEARTED, and YES I believe a woman should not depend on a man for EVERYTHING because he will mistreat her if she does.

Furthermore I would not want the whole community in my marital affairs, nosey and jealous people can add to your problems.

LOL. Community-ness in a marriage simply means oneness of the two people involved in it - it has nothing to do with outsiders. The presence of individuality as you championed is always a product of mistrust and suspicion, such is akin to having two captains in one ship - it breeds unhealthiness in a union. Individuality shouldn't be mistaken for independency, there's a tiny difference between the two in a marriage union. While the former is powered by disingenuousness and unhealthy the latter is powered by ingenuousness and very healthy.

khiaa:
As incredibly selfish and cold hearted as this woman sounds I can understand where she's coming from. My reasons are as follows.

1. You men bring this kind of behavior onto yourselves with the society and the culture you have created that seems to always favor the man.

The house belongs to the man alone.
When you are angry with your wives you tell her to leave YOUR house just as the op told his wife. He expected her to beg him to let her stay but when she didn't beg him he was shocked. She didn't beg because she has provided a refuge for herself. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you were told to get out of your matrimonial home with no compensation and nowhere to go the way a lot of you husband's do your wives simply because he wants someone else.

2. Since your culture doesn't believe in community property (All properties belonging to both husband and wife ) a smart wife would make sure that she has the security of shelter and some funds put away for herself and her children incase shyt happens, otherwise she would be left homeless and destitute.

3. I can't count how many times I have read on here about husbands throwing their wives out of HIS house with nowhere to go simply because he wants to move his girlfriend and his outside children into HIS house.

4. I give kudos to the wives who are wise enough to make her own money and provide for herself and not completely depend on her husband for everything.

5. The down side to this story is the secrecy and not doing her part in providing for the family especially when the husband was having financial difficulties.

Foremost, any marriage will lose its healthiness the very moment it lost its community-ness - individuality in marriage as you clearly championed is the bane of spate of separation and divorce cases that are the order of the day everywhere in the world. Actually, this your submission, an erroneous and sentimental one at that, really caught my attention. Before I go on, citing the OP's post, he was of goodness towards his wife while his reigning days lasted in their union. Therefore, the negative attitudes his wife meted out against him was uncalled for in all ramifications, there shouldn't be any rational reason to justify them at all - in her actions and inactions I see a self-centered, selfish, opportunistic, disingenuous, narcissistic, compassionless and non-conscientious woman. . . She never had any genuine love for him. I partly blame the OP though, because it's obvious that he didn't achieve self-realization before he married her.

Now, back to your erroneous and sentimental submission, I'd expected you to know that there's a word like "some," so a statement like the following lacks any sense of rationality: "You men bring this kind of behavior onto yourselves with the society and the culture you have created that seems to always favor the man." My point is that not all Nigerian men are small-minded and subjugators. . . Personally, I live to conquer myself and not to conquer the world, and live to love the world without hating myself - this is about society. Also, I see culture as the way the living (individually or collectively) choose to live their lives with emphasis on fairness to all - irrespective of social stratum, gender or age. Now, using my stated personal principle here as a standard, don't you think that it will amount to outright evil if a woman I take as a wife - don't worry I can never be a victim of having an evil personified woman as a wife - mete out against me this kind of negative attitudes the OP's wife meted out against him? In summary, in this regard, I say to you that society and culture are individual things, so stop generalizing.

Meanwhile, you just like 99% of almost every other persons I have met have an erroneous understanding about the true meaning of the word "smartness." Disingenuousness is not and can never be the same thing as cleverness, and I don't see smartness where there's no cleverness - cleverness loses its meaning the very moment you take away ingenuousness from it.

Disingenuousness from either one or both parties involved in any relationship is always the root cause of unhealthiness in such a relationship, and once a relationship lost its healthiness it will automatically lose its community-ness too. The end result is either frenemies living together, marring, one killing the other , separation or divorce. Mind games are for small-minded people. Personally, the moment I observed any trace of disingenousness (act of mind games) from someone I have a thing with, I walk out from such union - I am always wary of disingenuous people not because they can have their evil ways around me without my consent, no, rather it's because they never survive my defense acts. They are always bad losers, when they lose you see them whining, playing victim, backbiting and throwing tantrums.

The OP was married to a disingenuous woman. And her disingenuousness brought about these other vices she meted out against him; self-centered, selfish, opportunistic, narcissistic, compassionless and non-conscientious attitudes. The woman succeeded in practicing her acts of shenanigans around the OP not because she was smart, no, but because the OP wans't insightful and smart.

The caption of the thread is rather misleading. He neither castigated nor disparaged her as erroneously stated by ther OP. Summarily, he stated that he has preference for an elusive woman as life partner than an encountering one.

All these illusory prophets, aside their fake prophesies, one other thing they have in common is shamelessness. According to this same charlatan, on the July 26, 2017: "ailing President Muhammadu Buhari will not return to Nigeria as the President and the Acting President Yemi Osinbajo will be sworn-in the President in his stead in the midst of fiery oppositions." “Buhari has handed over power spiritually to Osinbajo. He cannot return to power, in case anyone is expecting him.”

@OP

I see no evil in her said act. She can only be considered evil if she capitalizes on your sincere answer - assuming that you're well-to-do and confided same to her - to practice opportunism around you afterwards.

@OP

You failed to state that it's reciprocation of preceding goodnesses that beget/will beget the new ones. Reciprocity of goodness is the soul of any healthy relationship - although reciprocation doesn't necessarily have to be in exact and equal proportion, but it's mandatory that it must be ingenuous and altruistic.

Leez:
chai ndi afonja who do una dis thing
going by dis post den lai mohammed and bmc should have been proscribed cuz no nigerian president even shagari was insulted like GEJ
but then again dats afonja for u
smh

Odikwa ka ina-apu ara nwoke'm. You're a typical example of a parochial and mentally slow person.

Kindly vamoose from my mention and look for your small-minded mates elsewhere. I don't like to join issue with anyone.

His action is in order (almost every other country has a cyber security department, which is normally under the ministry of either communication or technology). . . At least it's better than outlawing the use of internet, especially by the populace (like in North Korea), in the country.

Small-minded people should know that freedom of speech doesn't mean approval for abuse of those in power in particular and others that hold contrary view to their parochialism in general.

You are simply having issues with closeness in some relationship in your waking life. You are trying to keep your distance and avoid from getting hurt.

@OP

You've a perfidious man as a father. Well, the best way to treat a perfidious relation/associate/partner is by distancing yourself from him (you don't have to alienate him thou since he's your father). Just forget the money he owed you, assume responsibility of the entrepreneur role you played while your business association with him lasted ( an entrepreneur bears the last risk in any business), this is just a simple diplomacy. . . . Allowing him to go scot-free with his shenanigans won't mean that you're a feeble-minded person, instead it'll show that you're a more wiser and godly person than him. There's nothing weak about a man that lose honorably.

Free will doesn't mean approval for opportunism (or other related negative attitudes), and opportunism isn't the same thing as opportunity. The best place to find your new love shouldn't be in your ex-boyfriend's friend - even if your ex-boyfriend's friend is the one that first indicated interest in you. Accord yourself some dignity and some slice of regard to your ex. Don't forget that to every action there's always an equal and opposite reaction.

Frenemies disguising as friends since time immemorial.

Aside the sound of absoluteness in her presumption about non-existence of heaven and hell - which smack of conceit - she's right with her admonishment on the need for people to do good for the sake of it and for being the right thing. Her observed flaw nonetheless, in her, I see a nonconformist, a conscientious and real lady. . . more like a rare gem.

If you've done no evil against her in particular and mankind in general to warrant such negative attitudes from her then, kindly take the route of separation - if she fails to change for good after calling her to order.

Respect is earned not given. However, some people - small-minded people to be precise - are so fond of disrespecting others without provocation either for the purpose of shoring up their little ego or because of their insatiableness.

Kudos. However, I don't agree with your opinion about feminists - I hold no brief for the wannabe ones. True feminists are among the most conscientious class of people out there.

Meanwhile, an impressionable woman is akin to a venal man, both live life on expediency.

S/he who lives on other people's opinion is as good as a dead person - listen to people's advice when necessary yet, make your decision and live on it. And this is the first step towards achieving responsibleness.

She has herself to blame (literally), however, the shame is upon her frenemy. . . Frenemies disguising as friends since time immemorial.

Once I fancy a lady and observed that she fancy's me too (or vice versa) then, it will just take ingenious, selfless, ingenuous, unselfish, conscientious, libertarian, contented, altruistic, gritty and spiritual but not religious attributes from her to win my heart. And, of course, I am a proponent and practitioner of reciprocity.

Joe Igbokwe has continually failed to understand that insight is superior to experience.

"Connection" one of the most abused words just like the words "love and God." @OP, you're correct, many people do fail to understand the importance of the axiom "he who comes into equity must come with a clean hands," and as such they fail to apply it in waking life endeavors. The only feasible way to get connected is to firstly prepare yourself - make yourself an asset - and of course imbibe the simple principle of earning to share with associates and not eating/trying to eat from associates.

DarkRebel69:
@emboldened_ Who formulated that ridiculous maxim? Your secondary school class-teacher?

It only takes an informed person to recognize a metaphor. Now shut up and vamoose from my mentions. Look for your mates elsewhere.

Tolerance is one virtue all small-minded people commonly lack. It's unfortunate that Africa breeds more small-minded people than the rest of the continents of the world.

S/he who holds peace between the two rules, and this is definitely what women are known for. A sane, sound and responsible woman will always rule her man, she's always in charge. Power doesn't belong to s/he who superficially exercise control, but to the one that is charge. One in charge is rarely seen but is always heard.

The power rule in any form of relationship or association is the same. Examples; In politics, diplomats are seen but not heard, while politicians aren't seen but heard - in this regard the former do serve the latter. In a healthy romantic relationship/marriage, a man is seen but not heard (metaphorically), and a woman is not seen but heard - so automatically the woman rule the man.

mrphysics:
A God fearing person us a person who holds the law and love of God in high esteem. The person knows the value of his/her belief. In all times, this person upholds his belief and reaffirms their faith.

It's true that on average, people do not want to date them or those that date them seem to date to deceive them. But when it comes to marriage, they are most sort for.

Goodness knows no religion - this invalidate your value of belief position. God's just and for all that exist because he created and owns all. . . you and I are the imperfect manifestations of the perfect him, therefore, in one's act of goodness I see him (God).

@OP

It's obvious that you've an erroneous understanding of what "a God fearing person" is, therefore, the reason you concluded that people do long to marry such a persons but fear/avoid dating them.

Every sane, sound and responsible person I know will give anything to date a God fearing person and equally marry same. Unfortunately, it's always a herculean task to come across one.

A God fearing person isn't necessary s/he that belong to a religious denomination, that goes to either church or mosque, and openly profess God/Allah as his Lord and personal saviour. No.

A God fearing person is someone that's a proponent and practitioner of goodness. This kind of person neither intentionally practice evil nor servility. The most notable hallmarks of a God fearing person are libertarianism and conscientiousness.

Arrant nonsense.

I see no evil in what she said, because I don't see responsibleness in a sane, sound and healthy man (adult) that can't cater for his personal needs in particular and that of the needs (not neither greed nor covetousness) of his immediate family in general.

What a corrupt person can plan and execute within minutes/hours with just pen and in most cases still go scot-free/unnoticed - and of course with more negative impact on the society - a thief will take more than his lifetime and life-savings to plan and even fail/die on top of his plan's, still with soiled name forever.

Corruption is worse than thieving, yet, thieving carries worst punishment. Anyway, both are evil.

Nairaland is gradually turning into a fake news mill. Liberia's presidential election result has not been announced yet.

Nonsense. The assumed African culture, just like all credal and revealable religions, is simply a conveyor of subjugation. Egalitarianism remains the best way to follow.

The fair way to achieve healthy relationship in modern marriages should tend towards adoption of profound mental change by both sexes - especially the male folks - by embracing egalitarianism. Women emancipation and empowerment are the reasons why they good ones among them have seen the reason not to stay put when a man of the small-minded class chooses to subjugate them all in the name of being the head of the house in a marriage. And the absence of these facts was the main reason why they used to stay put in an unhealthy relationships in the time past. . . I support their evolution.

I see no evil in eating out sanely. Meanwhile, genuflection isn't a real sign of respect but servitude, therefore, it should be discouraged.