₦airaland Forum

Kobojunkie: OK, there we agree.

It's just that I think a lot of us know what this "training for marriage" thing is. I mean you go to, say a village in the Eastern/Northern Part of the country for instance(anyone who takes this as an ethnic attack is a class A mor0n) and you find cases of girls being trained and talk to of how what they do wrong as kids, or do not get right as children, will affect their marriages. In the north, girls are almost often groomed for marriage. When you try to engage them, they don't seem to function outside of that mindset.

I got that from your answer. Despite the fact that I live in the west, I am still amazed at the number of girls who are "trained for marriage" to an extent that they cannot picture any other ambition for their lives. Little girls are praised for taking care of their dolls and being peaceful (i.e. quiet) while little boys are encouraged to take risks and play rough. You go to a park and see parents let their boys climb everywhere without worrying much, but when the younger sister tries the same thing they call her back "baby, you're gonna hurt yourself, come and play house".
What I mean is that, even though I wouldn't compare the condition of women in the north of nigeria with those of their counterparts in the west, there is still a long way to go to get rid of this traditional "training for marriage" thing.

Kobojunkie: What you've described is not "training for marriage" but what I would term training for life . . training them to be well-rounded individuals. However their is training for marriage many here know what I mean by that. You go to some homes and you immediately realize that the kids are being prepared for marriage, not necessarily for life itself.

Also I don't think you can train or prepare someone for a happy long-lasting marriage. What I think can happen is that parents can show their kids, through example, what is right from wrong, so those kids on seeing that know what to accept and what not to accept. If however, these kids are from some of these broken homes, then it becomes hard for them but the WISE(well-rounded ones) are able to understand that what is going on is wrong, but we know a lot of kids instead go on to REPEAT the mistakes of their past.

I don't know how you understood my post, but that is exactly the same thing I was saying. I consider bringing up healthy and well rounded individuals who can make decisions for themselves (and bear the consequences that go with those decisions) is the only adequate "training for marriage" parents can provide. As Andromida said, a "training for marriage" that only offers one way to follow and doesn't encourage individuals to think on their own and build a happy life for themselves is mainly useless. All in all, training kids for life, if properly done, should be enough training for all aspects of their adult life (career, finances, day-to-day challenges, relationships, marriage and so on).

It depends what you call "training for marriage". I believe while training my kids (both boys and girls) for life, they will equally be trained to build, nurture and enjoy an healthy long-term romantic relationship, i.e. marriage. When you train children who are independent enough to take care of themselves (financially, but also cook, clean, rent a place, maintain a car etc.) , know their worth while still being humble enough, respect themselves and others and are altogether healthy and happy people who can maintain healthy and peaceful relationships (with friends, family, at work etc.), I believe you have also prepared them for a happy long-lasting marriage. There is no need to keep marriage in your mind as the ultimate goal for their training, as long as you train them for life and good interactions with people, they'll know how to pick the right partner, commit and be responsible for their choices.

As for agiboma, I think the way you view things depend a lot on the sacrifices you had to make yourself to "fit in" the nigerian society, or those you feel you had to make. Though i want to raise my children (boys and girls) to know and respect the nigerian traditions (at least those that make sense to their father), I don't see the need to tune down any "western" character that will certainly show in them. They are as western as they are nigerians, and if my husband and I are able to raise children, it's because we build our family on values that are neither nigerian or western, they are human values (though the way they are displayed can vary, which will be taught to our kids) : respect (for yourself and others), honesty, responsibility, hard work, patience, humility and so on.
I plan for my kids to have healthy marriages that work like partnerships, I don't want my daughter to accept suffering or unfair treatment because she is a girl. There is a big difference in doing things in a marriage because you agree and are willing to do it, and accepting the same things because you see no way out, or you don't have the choice. I don't want her to "fit in" just for the sake of "fitting in", I hope she will only fit in with decent, respectful people, no matter their nationality/gender/age etc.

debosky: The true test of so called 'love' is how far you're willing to go - sounds like the family comforts still come ahead of the couple's love for each other.

Exactly.

While reading all the replies I kept wondering why her parents' opinion seems so important to your friend. Why should it be when those same parents are ready to push her to marry a man she doesn't know, doesn't like, doesn't love for whatever reason ? Seriously, I wouldn't want such people to make any decision for me.

Your friend needs to learn that when you try to please everybody you end up pleasing anybody.

It is time for her to show that she is an adult, and not a child, which is necessary if she plans to get married. As an adult you make decisions other people might not like and you stand your ground because you believe in what you do.

So if anything happens in the future, she doesn't feel confident enough in herself and her bf to sort themselves out ?

she, and her bf, need to grow up.

@sisi kill : you don't seem naive to me. Money is something very easy in my own marriage, and I think it is not a problem in many marriages, where both partners behave like responsible adults. It's just that all those happy people usually don't come and open thread on NL for us to read

[quote author=Efemena_xy]^^ Exactly.

And make sure when he serves the food, he MUST use the right tone to address you, and ensure that the cup doesn't block your view of that Nollywood movie on TV.[/quote]ahahah he will be serving me in silence and on his knees, of course

oh gosh, if my hubby reads that just kidding, baby

Easy, if my man do that, I'll bring the money (what big deal is that), but he'll do the cooking (while I'll be watching TV) no need to argue, we are partners not enemies

I carried my daughter in front because I don't know how to back a baby with wrapper. I only did it when she was at least 6 months old and able to sit, but even like that I was always wondering if she was comfortable or if her head was not in an uncomfortable position when she was asleep. How do you actually back a baby who can't hold his head ? I admire ladies who do it because it seems so easy, but I am personally too scared to try it.

As CC said, anything you are comfortable with is the best.

You are twisting what I just wrote. I said it is understandable, under some circumstances, that either spouse could be emotionally attached to someone else/emotionally withdrawn from the marriage. I am not saying it is a good thing, but it is human and understandable. Denying it or looking for someone to put the blame on wouldn't change anything. People can find themselves in situations they never thought they would be in, the point is to understand what is going on and decide wisely on what to do next.

dayokanu: Tell me you too dont have an issue if the a woman is emotionally attached to someone else, rather be outside in partues that with her family and doesnt love her husband again

Also let me know if its ok for the man to also be emotionally attached to someone else, rather party than stay home and doesnt love the wife any more
The double standards here stinks to the high heavens

There is no double standard here. I would understand a man to be emotionally attached to someone else if he was in that same position.

Of course, that is not a way to solve the issue and save their marriage. The lady indeed needs to be focused, but I think it is great time for her husband tpo learn that things are not all white or all black but can be all shades of grey in between, i.e. he needs to pay more attention to his wife's emotional status, and probably to his own emotions too. I believe only thorough counseling by a professional and the grace of God can help them.

Maybe they should start praying together. Everyday. I don't mean the "automatic" prayer but really pour out their hearts to God together, or hold hands and praise Him in silence.

ronkebp: Hmmmmm!!! akiika!!! now i know where the problem lies........SHE HAS FALLEN COMPLETELY OUT OF LOVE. The husband has lost on that one. there is no way you will treat someone like trash and expect them to love you in return. She has no cure for that one, unless he changes and turns a new leaf...if he doesn't he has lost his wife emotionally, mentally and psychologically... she is no longer his wife perse, only on the signed lines of their marraige certificate.

It is going to be a matter of time before she really sleeps with the person she is emotionally attached to and treats her well and when that happens, it is a big 'BYE-BYE' to the current union. she has not opened -up to you yet on how and what she is truely doing with her "real" feelings.

Ronke, I agree 100% with what you wrote here and in that topic.

@ Dayo, as ronke said, don't make it a man/woman matter, be honest with yourself, unless you've never been in a long-term relationship, I don't know how you can read what Tgirl wrote and still blame the woman...

I'm not really a shoe person. I don't even like shopping that much. I sometimes spend a bit more money than I should, but altogether I'm a quite reasonable woman. If I was filthy rich, I'd spend all my money on nice houses and nice trips to exotic locations. I could go there wearing my old sneakers, I don't care As for my husband, he's something else, this man loves shoes like he has 40 legs to wear them on I think he could spend his money on more useful stuff sometimes but well, it's his money, can't complain

Congratulations Debrief !

Be honest with your father in law (to be), the same way you are with your girlfriend. You seem to be enjoying a nice relationship with her and her family so keep being yourself. I might even advice you explain your reasons to him, because they seem "responsible" and realistic, which he might understand, however only you know if that would be a good idea.

Another question though, how old is your girlfriend ? You might have to review your plans depending on her age, or start talking about low key ceremony with her...

@op, I find your message very touching, somehow, it seems you are so scared to allow yourself love that man 100%. People often believe love is an easy thing, but when one has been seriously hurt, it is not that easy. Your father gave you a bad example of what a husband can be, and it is really sad that you have not met (or been able to see) other good men around you who could have shown better examples.
Anyways, you are now with a man who loves you, respects you, is honest with you and cares for you. I pray that you might open your eyes to see the blessing he is in your life and come to realize that not all men are "full of crap". Don't you have brothers ? male friends ? Are you not going to raise good and honest sons ?

Another thing, pls, sit down and think, your husband is not the cheating type, he is not a womanizer with an army of girlfriends. Chances are low that he will turn to one overnight. So what makes you so scared about him cheating ? Don't you think that you, his wife, the woman he has chosen to share the rest of his life with and to carry and raise his children, have more value to him than any girl he can meet outside ? Even if he is attracted for a short time at a girl's beauty, not all men are stupid enough to scatter their marital peace and happiness for a few hours "fun". Remember that your marriage is stronger than this, as time goes you will get stronger together and you will be able to face anything life throws at you. Have confidence in your marriage, your love and commitment is much stronger than all your fears.

[quote author=Sisi_Kill]I'm sorry. . .I can't past the part where other men are proposing to her.

What the hell kinda relationship does she have with these men that they are proposing to her? I mean I know no man is crazy enough to propose to a girl outta of the blues (at least I hope not) so what gives?

If I were you, that's what I will start from. [/quote]Exactly what I was thinking about. I understand that she's 29 and in the nigerian context she must go under a lot of pressure to marry but still... marrying for the wrong reasons could lead to a disaster.

@op, concerning your situation, you seem mature enough to handle marriage and finances. If you keep babies away for some time or go through a "long" engagement/low key ceremony things might turn in your favor faster than you expect. My only worry lies with your girlfriend. How long have you known/dated her ? Are you sure she truly is marriage material ? I just can't imagine giving one week to a guy to propose... it seems she wants to be married no matter what and doesnt really care to who... btw who are those guys proposing to her ? Pls, be wise, only you can really understand and know her enough to make a decision. If you marry her and she insists on a big wedding and having kids right from the honeymoon, that might be the beginning of your troubles... And I'm sure you don't want to hear "If only I had married suitor so and so instead of you..." few months into the marriage

Yeah right, next time get pregnant, deliver and nurse the baby. Come back later to tell me how it feels. smh...

I'd rather have a faithful husband or no husband at all. If he needs other women, he's a free man, we can still be friends...

come on, choosing between second wife and girlfriends ? like I don't have any other option than to let a man make a misery of my life ?.... smh


btw, i'm sure i won't have to choose, i know the kind of man i married

I easily say sorry to my husband, though I don't always mean "sorry, I was wrong" but more "sorry I hurt you". If I feel that I am right but he doesn't agree, I will apologize for hurting him, because I am always truly sorry that something I do could hurt him, once we cool down, we can then talk about the issue and I can make him understand why I did things one way and why I don't believe it's wrong... and we usually agree.

Anyway, my husband also says sorry if he hurts me and we talk later about the issue, I think saying sorry is like making the first move towards solving any problem, it means "I love you, I don't mean any harm, I'm ready to settle it". I don't put any pride into being right at home, as long as we both care about each other and both invest our marriage, I'm ok.

Outside, though, it's something else I try to apologize when I do something wrong, but I can be very stubborn...

@op It's time to wake up and stop blaming the man. I can't count the number of men I came across abroad who were struggling. One of my friends has been away from his wife and kids for over 6 yrs, going from one friend's house to another, sometimes sleeping on the streets, doing any kind of jobs to make ends meet and when he finally gets some euros, he sends to the wife instead of planning for his future. Guess what, the lady is reproaching him the exact same thing as you do to your husband. She is not there to see him fasting, praying, crying, struggling everyday. I'm telling you, if the guy wanted an easy way out he would easily have found someone to marry for papers and got himself a comfortable life, he can't even consider the idea because he respects and love his wife, who is blaming him for not sending more money and flying her to Europe...

This story is just one among many. Pls, trust us when we tell you things might not be rosy. You don't know what your husband went through to buy some clothes for you and the baby. Give him the benefit of the doubt, at least, the man is still calling and caring. It is a tough phase but you'll make it through. Try and complete learning the craft you wanted to learn, you might be able to fly to europe after delivering the baby or get another job in nigeria.

Good luck.

@OP, how long have you been married ? I ask because I wonder if it's the first time your husband shows he is uncomfortable with your job/being late at night and suspicion... If your marriage is young, it might be one of the first times you guys encounter this problem, in that case, try as much as possible to follow CC's advice, talk to him gently, and don't stop there but start talking with him about any change/adjustment that should be done to your (both of you) lives : maybe thinking of reducing the distance between you, changing job or city etc. These are part of the early adjustments and talks you guys will need to make/have so that you can enjoy your marriage without unnecessary stress.

However, if you've been married for many years, and you've already had this kind of talks/adjustments (ie he's ok with your job and you didn't do anything to make him suspicious), I would advice you gently put your foot down. You guys can't be arguing at the slightest thing and cutting all communications in a long distance relationship is quite immature and risky. What about waking up your friend in the middle of the night ? If he's that insecure, let him come home and stay with you. He needs to understand that his behavior is not helping, long distance marriage is difficult enough without adding pressure to it.

@moremi : exactly what I've been thinking

@OP : I don't really get why you are here? When you ask "who comes first" do you mean "should I come first before my kids and move out" or "does my husband come first before me". I don't get it. I also don't know how you've waited 5 yrs without sex, crying everyday in a loveless relationship... Pls, let us know more about what is really going on and what you already tried to make things better so that our advices can be useful.

As for those who think staying in a marriage is all there is to do to make kids grow healthy and happy, I don't mean to be rude but I guess it's about time to wake up. Which kid doesn't see what is going on in his parents' marriage ? I could go on and on but well...

TV01: Sagamites MO means if he meets someone today, nothing can happen before 2022 ! Anything this year will have been brewing since the 90's.

Our brothers usual intro is " I like you, freeze your eggs"

Please lets rally round before we start hearing phrases like "odikwa tragic" on NL.

TV

ronkebp: Harakiri has taken to his heels !!!

I think sagamite's soup scared him away

OMG !!! I'm gonna get really mad now ! So I left for just a few hours and the one simple little thing I asked for, nobody remembered ?!

Saga is getting married and I haven't even got an invitation ! o ma se o !!


Anyways, Saga, congratulations, though I'm not quite sure whose sister you're getting married to, having either CC or ronke as in-laws is enough for u to have my blessing Go and marry NOOOOOWWW !! And this time, don't mess up and don't forget ME ! I'm ready for a BIG party !

Now, as TV rightly pointed out, where's harakiri ? Who has a sister left for him ?

harraaaaaakiiiiirriiiiii ? Come here, we gotta talk

michelin89: Also big thank you to my ex boyfriend. Thank you for being gone and for good.

Now I know what I'll do if my hubby ever cheats on me

Wow, you guys write too much now, I can't even follow up with the posts, when I see the length of the write ups I just don't have the strength to read everything.

Pls, just be kind to let me know if anybody gets hurt/changes mind or if sagamite/harakiri are getting married

Sagamite: God forbid bad thing.

Tufiakwa! [Snaps his finger over his head]

I am like the original, unrefined man. From the days when men used to men.

Oh, I was having fun for a while, imagining you lecturing us about fashion, perfume and cosmetics

Well, I'll have to find something else to make fun of you

Sagamite: Oi!!!

Easy. Don't be so judgemental and damage our reputation.

My point just shows example of the "responsible" men that scream for marriage, say they are happily married and their wife is there missing rib are not always saying the truth.

I know these, I know these murrafckers and they can't deceive me about marriage with their untruths.

I'm not being judgemental, just stating my opinion, which is very personal and far from being a general truth

So saga, tell us everything, u're one of those metrosexual guys ? Those who spend more time in the bathroom than their girls and know more about fashion than I do ?

@sagamite : that's why I don't like those metrosexual/over-educated/smart looking boys Can't trust a man who bothers about what other people think of him...