₦airaland Forum

This is the kind of topic I can never understand...

I will make fun of him for a looooong time. He'd have to be ready to hear me bring that up forever
How much is this kind of test btw ? I hope he wouldn't be wasting money on that, let him take the kids to any strangers and see if they don't recognize right away that they are related.

Really, I can't imagine him doing this with any seriousness

It also depends on what you mean by "have the means to cater for them". In my own case, I think being able to feed them, clothe them and send them to school is the basic but not enough, I also want to be able to see them through university, help them get their first car, do extra-curricular activities etc. All of this is not compulsory but you have to sit down and seriously think about what you want to offer your kids for their future. When they are small, it seems easy to manage but the real expenses come up later...

I personally believe it is as impossible to find answers to "why some marriages don't work" as it is to "why are some people unhappy". Though I have no evidence to back it up, the more I learn about life, marriage and other things, the more I believe that people who are unable to make themselves happy alone will still be unable to be happy once married and that most people unhappy in their marriages would still be unhappy if they were to leave their partner.

Now, that sounds harsh, but when I see people unable to maintain healthy relationships with others (friends, family, workplace...) or unable to just [i]be [/i]happy, going into marriage, I don't have much hope for their marriage's future.

Some people will make the best out of their situation, no matter what and be able to find true happiness and contentment while other will spend their lives miserable most of the time... that's the way it is, marriage doesn't change a thing.

Lol @ the thread, I also threaten my kid to send them to their great-grand father farm if they don't behave. It works for now, but I have a feeling it'll soon be like CC own, I'll have to find another threat

depends also on other factors, such as the financial/professional situation of the couple, the place they live in and so on. Though people usually get married when they have a job and a decent financial situation, things can change and delay the original plan. The wife can get a promotion and decide to wait a little bit before getting pregnant again, the couple can decide to invest in building house or other big investments in between pregnancies and so on.

It is important to remain flexible and wise when deciding to have another child. Sometimes it is best to re-evaluate the original plan. I've seen too many couples popping babies out without making serious plans for their finances/future, just because "they planned it that way". Some of the marriages are shaken by the new arrival of babies every couple of years, some other i wonder how they'd find room for their kids once they are teens or how they'd pay for their university fees...

How long have you known your husband / been married ?

It is very normal (or at least, it sounds very normal to me ) to question your relationship/marriage during the first couple of years, when you start to see the true colors of your partner and settle in a routine. And when you are in a marriage with a foreigner that your family and friends have prejudices about, some simple questions can become bigger and bigger and turn into serious worries or doubts. However, as in every relationship, you are the one living in it in the end, you have to make decisions by yourself based on facts and the things you can accept or not, no matter where your husband is from.

However, the things you listed that your husband doesn't do anymore (going out, talking with you, planning your future together), sound quite worrying. Did you accuse him of being with you just for papers ? Did you offend him in any way ? Has he always been so secretive ? If you want your marriage to work, you have to try to communicate with him and get what is really going on.

I quite agree with debrief here. Nothing that is going on between your husband and you seems related to your in-laws or mother in-law. Yes, he goes to her place to eat when he's upset with you but if his mother wasn't there, he'd find another way to act childish (go to a friend's place, go and eat outside etc.).
The problems you are facing with your husband are very common in a new marriage, and should be solved between the two of you. To tell you the truth, my husband has also stopped helping around the house within the first 6 months/1yr of marriage. Unfortunately, some men believe once they have put a ring on your finger you kind of have to take care of them as if they were children

However, my advise is to not let this house chores thing turn into something bigger than it is really. If you have found a good man who doesn't cook, don't break your marriage because of food. What is more important is you two doing things together. Maybe your husband spends time away from your apartment because of the arguments between you too. Sit him down and try to plan some nice outings/time to play and be together and reconnect. you'll sort the "who does what" at home later.

2mch: Ok, I thought of a solution for you. Do you have a favorite teacher? Or a guidiance counselor in school you can talk to. Break the news to the teacher and tell them you are afraid to tell your parents because they are too strict and mean. They will call your parents into school and have a long, hard talk with them. Nigerian's don't like disgrace so they will try to deal with this as quietly as possible. Just make sure the teacher is not Nigerian. Also have the teacher let them know that she will be following up on your case. Your parents will be reluctant to beat you. Try a white teacher.LOL

good idea, actually

The problem i see is that you remember only the beating and the fact that your parents are strict, but you have no clue why they are like that, why they think some things are bad for you and prevent you from doing them. It seems like you have skipped the whole "understanding" part. And you seem to live in a very, very far away place from reality.

Girl, wake up, you wish you were born in another home ? one where your parents would tell you "you're pregnant ? no problem, you can live on social support and have 6 kids from 6 different fathers" ? Parents who would have no dream, ambitions or hope for you and your future ?

pls believe me, if your parents are so strict, it's because they see something good and special in you, and they don't want you to go and spoil it. Their experience and knowledge makes them wiser than you when it comes to making decisions about life. Yes, they might be far from your teenage worries, but they can also see way beyond that. Trust me. Right now, you need someone who can see beyond the teenager in you, and who can guide you to be the adult you deserve to be. Who hopefully will be an independent graduate.

Talk to your mom.

madu97: good morning everyone, thank you so the person that gave me some soothing advice, i needed that so much. well this morning after church i was talking to one of my friends dat was pregnant 2yrs ago wen she was 14 n she told me that i had nothing to worry about. she says she knows a woman that can help me get rid of the baby for like 50 bucks. she says i shudnt worry abt anything bcus the lady is trained n nothin bad will happen to me. she says thats where she got rid of her pregnancy 2yrs ago so i have nothin to worry abt. so i am kinda nervous abt meeting this lady, part of me is tellin me not to go but i am just so scared. shud i trust her? i am supposed to be seein my bf today but should i hold off on tellin him? n do u thnk my mom will tell my dad abt this if i was to confide in her 4 help? i dont know what to do, its like the more i think about this the more confusin n hard everything becomes. my school has a daycare for students children so myb if i do hv the baby then i can enroll him or her there while im in school so it wont really affect my schooling. but then if i hv the baby that means i hv to tell my parents who my bf is n i am positive they will have him arrested and then i wont see him again till he gets outta jail...and that could be a long time. i wish i hadnt gotten pregnant, all this wud not be happenin to me right now. i hate my life!!

Tell your mom. Don't go to that woman who can do abortions. What kind of "woman" does abortions ? If you need to have an abortion, it needs to be done by a doctor in a decent hospital. Only your parents can guide you when it comes to this. Don't play with your life.
Don't go and see your bf now, it's better you take some time off. Your life is about to change and you need to know what you want.

Like many people advised you. Pls, tell the truth to your parents. Do not go and lie about being raped, because this is a very serious accusation and when they discover that you lied (again!) they will not take it easy at all. And trust me, they will discover it.

I am even more surprised that a 15 yrs old in the US would trust in the "pull out" method. Pls, remember that you need to be checked for stds too, you could have caught anything having unprotected sex.

I understand that you want to protect your bf and your relationship with him. But right now is not the time to think about it. Even if he truly loves you, how many men run away once they hear about pregnancy ? How many single mothers are there in the US ? right now, you need to think about yourself and what you will do with your life now that you are pregnant. And no matter how scared you are, the best people to guide you are your parents. Talk to them.

I would also encourage you to sit down and think very hard about your future as a woman. Consider your studies, your financial independence, your ambitions and dreams. Your bf might not stay with you, and you need to build yourself a nice, independent life. You are going through a very critical phase and any decision you make right now can make you or break you.

Pls, talk to your parents, especially your mum if you can, and show them you are gonna be responsible by telling them the truth and making wise decisions for your future (staying in school would be a good start).

I am very surprised, to say the least, that you considered having s.ex with your 28 yrs old boyfriend without any of you thinking about protection ! Haven't you had at least some basic s.ex ed class ?

Anyways, what is done, is done. There are some things that you need to do ASAP, no matter how hard it seems. First you HAVE to talk to your parents. Then, you must see a doctor, to confirm the pregnancy but also to run some tests to make sure that you didn't catch any disease while having unprotected s.ex. Remember that most of the STDs need to be checked twice with a three month interval in between. If you have the opportunity to, you can also let your boyfriend know, though I doubt on his support.

Your life will never be the same, that you need to understand, that doesn't mean that things won't turn out fine eventually, but you are in for a rough ride now. You need to be strong and take responsibility for your action.

I believe children should leave their parents' house as soon as possible once they graduate and therefore make plans to find a job/place to stay even before graduating.
However, considering how the economy is nowadays, it doesn't surprise me that some young adults have to stay longer at their parents' house : time to secure a job, save a little bit and move for good.

I wouldn't like him to read my sms before me, though I don't really mind if he goes through my phone from time to time. What bothers me is more the lack of trust/controlling behavior that goes with this kind of things. I need my husband to trust me, if there is anything worrying him, he should talk to me instead of monitoring my phone/email/timetable...

Anyway, I don't have to worry much, we usually don't use each others phone without asking first.

There are many things that are unacceptable to me in a relationship, I just made sure to marry a man who wouldn't have such behaviors. There are some things one shouldn't compromise with.

I open the door for him and get on my knees immediately he enters the house, then I follow him kissing every inch of the floor he walks on, I finally feed him the best dishes I have been preparing for him the whole day. When he's done, I bath him, wipe him, and worship him all night long...


.... like seriously...

I also believe it depends on the individual, each one of us attach more or less importance to different aspects of our culture, what works for some might not work for all.

ifyalways: Zahyal, salams. Longest time.

@topic, a calendar on my third boys first birthday.

That one was to help you count down the days til your boys get married and you can finally have a rest

I've learned a few things, being married to my husband, some might be useful in any relationship (even with friends or other family members) while some are specific to my husband's character and reactions when upset :
- I have learned to not get too emotional. If I feel I can't keep it together, I just postpone the talk.
- If I am not sure where it is leading us (we don't seem to find an agreement, our voices are getting louder... ), I ask for a break to think things through and we talk about it later
- I apologize if I feel I am wrong. I apologize for hurting him if he feels I am wrong.
- Even though it is very, very hard when in a middle of an argument, I acknowledge the good he did/does, or his qualities when trying to look for a solution
- I don't start a fight we can't both win. If I just want to vent my frustration, I vent it alone. I only pick a battle if I know there is room for improvement and preferably if I already seriously thought about it.
- I let small things go.

All in all, I guess with time we have both stopped arguing over little things and we focus our long talks for more serious issues. We also learned some things can't be changed in just one day, so we don't mind taking as much time as necessary to find an acceptable solution. Meanwhile, as CC often says, we just learned to agree to disagree.