₦airaland Forum

harakiri: Look...

I'm not saying all married folks are unhappy. What i am saying is most married folks [b]I KNOW are unhappy.[/b] Apart from my personal perspectives, look at the sort of sob stories that flood this section for goodness sake!!! You'll see stories like :

I am tired of my marriage. Somebody help!

My wife wants to kill me. What do i do?

My husband is an animal. Do i divorce him?

Threads like these flood these section on the daily (actually, i've noticed a decline compared to the dozens of sad threads every week).

Ok, I understand what you mean. As for the threads we can see here we need to remember that only people who have problems will post it on the internet. Also, it happens to everybody (married or not) to go through a tough phase.

Anyways, 't was nice talking with you, buttercup

wow harakiri, I didn't think I'd be honored with such a long reply, though I was kind of hoping one

I don't have to convince you of anything and you don't have to either, I've always liked people who live what they say, and you seem to be one of those. I'm not saying you shouldn't be talking about marriage because you're not married, but you can't look at people from the outside and tell them they're not happy, after all, only them know how they feel deep down inside. So if I'm telling you I'm happily married, you'll have to believe me... or not, after all, that won't change the way I feel

@sagamite : I get you, tks for replying.

@ both : love the way you call me babes, sweetheart, buttercup and co

@ronkebp : tks dear, I wrote it as I felt it

@sagamite, harakiri and co : I always enjoy reading what you write about marriage and relationships because you guys sound so full of energy and ambitions that I can only admire your youth and will to not compromise on your happiness
There's something I've been wanting to ask, though, why are you fighting so hard against the idea that marriage can be good to some people ? From what I know, you guys are not married ? I don't quite get it, nobody's forcing you to get married. It makes me smile cause when I read you it makes me think of all those "diet obsessed people" who frown if they see you eating oily stuff. To each their own, I like my fried chicken, you like to be single, let's just agree that we enjoy different things. And btw, I think you are right for not compromising before you get married... marriage can be something simple and fun where you can be yourself, and life doesn't start/stop at marriage...

Now, that being said, I just can't wait to read you guys once you actually get married

Invest some of the money to set up a small business first. Jobs don't last forever, it's better to broaden your source of income while your can still do it. Apartment, cars and wife will come easy once you are properly settled.

sanchez4eva: So touching...I hope to find a woman lyk u..bb smile smiley

Tks

sanchez4eva: That's very good but what about your husband..Is he enjoying it lyk u? Wht abt financial wahala?

Well, I'm pretty sure he is enjoying it too.

Financial wahala as you call it is a shared burden in a marriage. It makes things harder, but it doesn't make the marriage any less sweet, because marriage is so much more than money. Yes, we've been through tough times and we argued about it, but we also prayed about it, laughed about it, fought and planned to get out of it. And I'm telling you, when you hold the hand of the one who was by your side all through the bad days and see your dreams becoming true, that's when you reach the essence of marriage. To outsiders we're just common people with a happy life, most of them wouldn't even imagine what we went through together. But we know, and sometimes we just look at each other and smile. That's why I'm saying people should enter marriage when ready and strong enough to fight for it and make it work.

It depends on each couple and how they want to handle their finances. If Mr does everything in his name only, then I'd definitely have something going in my name only.We can also agree to both contribute and use Mr & Mrs on everything, or use Mr & Mrs for major investments and have other personal investments with our name only on the side. Whatever decision is made, both partners should be aware of what is going on.
Though hubby probably doesn't know the exact amount, he knows I have savings and how i plan to invest them, same goes for me, and we both planned our joint investments. The point is to provide security to both partners and the children in case something happens to one of them.

Concerning your aunt and uncle issue, I think the biggest mistake she made was to not talk to him in the first place. She should have let him know how she felt about him using his name only, and telling him about her plans to invest. Then again, your uncle is definitely wrong for beating her, plus if he was to refuse any investments to his wife he should have secured her future by using Mr & Mrs on every document.

sanchez4eva: I am not married o...are you?

I am, and enjoying every bit of it.

That being said, I don't want to sound too harsh either. Let us know the kind of things that make you sad in your marriage. There must be a solution.

sanchez4eva: Seriously U cannot compare a single guy and a married guy in terms of happiness...single men are simply just happy, nothing can change that but as for married men a lot of things happen everyday that make them sad inside and The bad thing is many wives don't notice at all

Seriously, I don't see the difference in terms of happiness. If truly you feel that marriage has made you sad, you either married the wrong person or married at the wrong time (ie were not ready to). And believing that single men are happy all because they are single... It's better to remain single then.

I don't think so. I give sex ed to my kids, starting from a young age and with adequate content, but no talking about my previous sex experiences. I will talk to her about relationships with boyfriends, when the time comes, but about feelings, making the right choice and so on... The same way I don't want her to come home and tell me about her own sex life. I will teach her how to be safe and make good decisions and then I'll leave it to her to be responsible for her choices. She can still talk to me in case of emergencies, but I don't want to hear no details.

I find it sometimes annoying the way people blame everything on marriage. I wonder, would these same people be happy if they were single ? Serious matters aside (domestic violence etc.), I don't think so. Most people I know who are in healthy and happy marriages are healthy and happy people, and they were before meeting their spouses : financially independent and wise, good at maintaining cordial relationships with everyone, good at keeping close friends over long periods of time, having healthy relationships with their own family, having dreams and goals and working towards them and so on.

My point is, if you can't make yourself happy before getting married, there is no way marriage is going to make you happy. You need to stand on your own two feet (emotionally, financially etc.) before thinking of going there. I see many people going into marriage with huge personal issues : low self esteem, bad relationships with parents/siblings, character issues etc. Those are already bad conditions to meet a good partner, but if you carry all your burdens and problems and doubts into marriage hoping the union will solve them... and your partner does the same, no wonder marriage ends up being a big mess !

Marriage is what you put in it. You should know yourself enough to take care of yourself and preserve your other half from your flaws, and make sure you bring the best to the union. That's why we say marriage is hard work.

Yes, I know, it's not a family section topic, but I'd rather have my trusted family e-friends to answer

I was wondering if anybody had advices on how to open a bank account in nigeria from abroad. I'd need an account in euros that I can monitor online and use to make transfers to/from my account here. It would preferably be a joint account for hubby and I.

Do you know what banks offer such services (and are reliable) ? I've read all sorts of comments on the web, so I don't know what to believe or not (about internet banking not working, cost etc.).

Another thing, if there is no way for us to open an account without going to nigeria, can I open a joint account for hubby and I by going there just myself (knowing I'm not nigerian myself)?

thanks for your help

stepo707: Waoh i really learn a lot from this.Cant wait to get married and try this step.Ladies it seems you are positive the Chinese calendar methods work as well right?

Come back next year, we'll make statistics for nairaland

eheh... Concerning the pH part and foods to eat if you want a boy/girl, I guess you can just find list of foods on the internet.

As for the ovulation thing, your ovulation happened 14 days before the 1st day of your periods. If you periods come every 28 days, you ovulate on the 14th day. If your periods come every 31 days, you ovulate on the 17th day (you start counting from the 1st day of your periods). Of course, this is effective mainly if your periods always come at the same time.

So if you want a boy next time and your periods come every 28 days, you should restrain from sex from day 7 to day 13 and have sex from the 14th day on. Of course this is not 100% effective, I've read this in lots of places and many of my friends told me it worked for them, but how can we be sure it is really this calculation that made it right?

Jtkoko9 gave one answer I often heard too. I've read somewhere it's up to 70% effective if you can determine your ovulation date with precision. So if your nanny wants a girl, she should have sex a few days (7 to 3 days) before her ovulation and then restrain from sex on the very moment of the ovulation.

I've also heard it depends on the pH of the vagina : the more acid it is the more it favors the x spermatozoa, the less acid it is the more it favors the y spermatozoa. You can influence this factor if you control the food you eat : foods rich in sodium and potassium are supposed to help you get a boy, while those rich in calcium and sugar should give you a girl.

It depends a lot on your idea of what a wedding is all about. To me, once hubby and I talked about marriage and agreed to get married, the wedding itself didn't matter at all. What did matter was the commitment. Wedding is just something you put up for the family. The way I see it, the wedding is the family's business and the marriage is the couple's business. Once you're married you'll have plenty of time to travel to exotic places. Saying your vows on a beach at sunset doesn't make them any more stronger than saying them in your living room, the challenge is not to make a beautiful wedding but a beautiful marriage.

Being a mother, I wouldn't want to miss my kids' weddings. I would like all my family to be there to rejoice with me and let me be proud of my child.

Try and find a compromise. Wedding is a very important moment for all family members, it won't change the way you relate or commit to you husband, since you already chose each other and chose to get married.

I am a bit surprised at the answers posted here. So the marriage is over because the lady called him dumb and the in laws laughed ? I pray they won't encounter real struggles in their married life !

To me it depends a lot on the context : if the wife meant this word as an insult and the in-laws laugh was the expression of their true feelings towards that guy then, granted, there is a problem in this marriage. But did you consider the fact that it might have been used jokingly? Maybe the husband was actually making some dumb statements while they were chatting, or one way or another was not on point with the conversation and the wife jokingly used the word "dumb" to make him realize what he was saying was inappropriate, the in-laws laughing could have been a way to show embarrassment and meant to not make a big deal out of it. Imagine if everybody had stood silent there, it would have been even more humiliating for the man! Maybe they just tried to turn it into a joke so that husband and wife could solve their problems alone later.

@poster : only the husband knows his wife enough to differentiate a joke from an insult. If it was meant a joke (maybe his wife is a bit too blunt), he should sit her down and let her know how it made him feel. If she didn't mean harm she would apologies and make sure it doesn't happen again.
If the wife meant it as an insult, the man should seriously think about his marriage : was she always this kind of woman? What happened? Did he do something to her that she might resent?

My humble opinion is that it is not enough ground to scatter a marriage. I know how men need and love respect, so do women, but stuff happens, they can work it out.

as Amya said, do not marry out of pressure. You make it sound as if it is a "now or never" kind of choice, but I bet you still have time. Marriage becomes evident when you meet the right person and when yourself are ready. The fact that you are thinking about it shows that you are "maturing" and getting ready in your own way. Once you know what you expect of marriage and feel ready for it, you'll naturally be attracted to someone who has the same expectations as you.

Back in the days, I used to get bored of boys after a few dates/months. Now that I am married to my husband, I feel that a lifetime can never be enough to know him and enjoy being with him.

Be patient, everything will fall into place.

Had the same problem, and kind of gave up trying

Do we need to use fresh corn to do that?

now, this post makes me want to eat akamu again...

blank: Must u stay on the island? You can stay in Surulere or Yaba and be commuting. 2m every year is not beans at all.

I wouldn't mind living somewhere else than the island, if it was not for traffic. I think I have to go there and see by myself how it goes. I don't care about traffic when on holiday but it's a different thing on a daily basis. At lest, this post helped me consider other options, I'm really glad I could gather so many different opinions there.

debosky: ^^ Thank you.

Back to topic - enough of the derailment.

Some of the estimates I'm seeing here for 2m per anum rent, 200-300k per month living expenses, minus car and so on, you'd be looking at a budget the region of 5-6m per year, without school fees if you have kids, or the cost of buying a car and house furnishing. Adding those on will easily take you into the 10m range.

Tks, I think 5-6m a yr, without school fees and initial settling costs (plane tickets, buying car, furnishing the house etc.) seems a realistic budget from what I've read so far. It seems it would be more expensive living on the island. At least this post made me reconsider that aspect. Since my job will most probably be on the island, I'll have to make a couple of trips there to look at other options concerning housing.

@lastpage : thanks for your post, so on point

ronkebp: Are you on BB?.....so that i can tell you when i will be leaving for Naija...you can set your visiting schedule too towards that time, (selfish me)

sent you a pm

ronkebp: Not only you ooooo.... but hey...that is not stopping us from hooking up...anytime in Naija...at least you will still be visiting till you finally move, i will be visiting this year....my younger sister is getting married...so it will be faaji kelele....for me.

Congrats to your little sis' Lucky you, going to enjoy the big party

I might go this year as well, still trying to figure out when in my crazy schedule...

@Mrs A - I agree with most of what you said here. Sent you a friend request, we can talk through pm.

ronkebp: Miss-Ife dear, i don't know yet ooo, my hubby is up for this year, but i am not really in the mood to relocate just yet, infact he was just telling me about some houses he saw in Lekki Phase 1 area, me i do not want to do flood wahala during the raining seasons ooo, i also want to get a good job first, (though that is not going to be a problem) but am just reluctant to move, at first i was the one crying for Naija, now i am the one begiing to still remain here for a while.

I understand, especially the fact that you want to finish your Phd and having kids. That's why we are thinking about waiting a few yrs more, hopefully I can have a couple of kids more before moving and we can settle job/business and house before going. As for me I just can't wait...

@keni and others : I actually came to agree with my husband on the "building a house" part. I was not really in for it at first, but I now understand it can really help us settle better. That's why we are giving ourselves a couple of years more before moving. I just have to accept that I'll be spending a lot of time in traffic

ronkebp: OOOOOgaaa oooo, this relocation thing just tire me, my hubby is so bent on moving back home, i am interested too, but i don't know why i am having a cold feet? Miss-Ife, don't worry, will get your 411, so we can be hooking up, and going to the gym together..... , that would be fun...

Heeey ronke Can't wait to go to the gym with you in Lagos, and so many other fun things to do...

funny enough, I was the one to push the idea of relocation to my hubby, and I finally convinced him. We still have a few things to work on, but there are good chances my current employer can send me to nigeria, which would provide a good package to rely on and a fall back plan if things don't go fine, since I can still get my job back here anytime.

When do you plan to move? Or is it not really decided yet?

@nwabobo : thanks this will help me budget things better

BlueDiva: The only price to pay is the hectic trip to and from work on the Island.

This is what I am scared about. I don't want to spend hours in traffic everyday and want to live as near as possible from work (which, if things go fine, might be in VI). I guess that might be reconsidered, though, especially if we plan to build and not rent.