₦airaland Forum

Lucario007:
0.o r u a pure nigerian?

eheh  I don't know what makes a pure nigerian, but I know that, with the yrs, nigeria, its culture, people and food (!) have settled in my heart. I sometimes wonder if I'm not even more nigerian than my husband himself 

eheh, I leave the thread for a minute and y'all talking about me

is it that surprising to love akara and akamu? it was like a revelation when I had some for the first time, oh gosh, I need to go back to nigeria sharp sharp

Richvkunt:
Very TRUE!
Stay strong agy and ignore most of these frustrated women,I distinctly remember this miss ife talking about how she has learned to be submissive to her husband and how it has improved her marriage sometime last year.
Listen to them at your own peril.

I did, but pls, the context is not the same. I learnt to keep my stubborn mouth shut when necessary because my husband is caring, wants the best for me and always takes my input into consideration, plus[i] i don't think he ever cheated on me[/i]. Trust me, if the guy was to accumulate girlfriends I would forget everything about submissiveness sharp sharp 

Agreed, as I said, at the end of the day we all go back to our own lives. To each their own.

@agiboma : be strong, and good luck

moremi2008:
Miss Ife, I am a great fan of the Ife people as you can see. However, I have to disabuse you of the notion that men have always been and should always be faithful. Monogamy in most African cultures is a fairly recent development. Our forefathers had happy marriages even when the man of the house had a wandering joystick. I am not saying that men should cheat. I am just trying to present an alternate reality where a marriage can be successful with a chronically cheating husband. I have seen Aunty JenKa tear Aigboma apart on these boards and I think it's unfair. She is the one living in the marriage and she isn't the first woman to stay married to man that can't control his mamba snake.

The only successful marriage I can imagine with a womanizer would be one having these two things :
- the lady was aware of it before getting married and was/is genuinely cool with it (they even set their own rules concerning discretion, STD etc.)
- the lady has the right too to have as many boyfriends as she likes

I've known very few couples who lasted and were truly in love with each other with that kind of setting. Actually just one. But Agiboma's situation doesn't seem fair. It doesn't sound successful to me when the woman (or the man if it was the case) got married to someone she loved and trusted to be faithful and then suddenly has to deal with an army of girlfriends, with all the consequences.

agiboma:
I totally agree with you, we dont deserve it but sometimes thats just the way it goes.

I am not the first and I wont be the last, its just that I am the most vocal for all you know some of these frequent nl posters who claim to have the perfect marriage for all we know got a hubby like mine and they on here fronting and lieing to themselves.

I get you, I'm just dazzled at the fact that you accept it and let other people that you don't know in real life coming here and telling you it's your fault, you should do this and that or you must have done this and that, Remember, that you still have a choice, nobody forces you to stay married to that man. Don't put your life at risk, ok?

.

agiboma:
I am very vocal to illustrate my husbands shortcomings, but he is a great father fyi, my son loves him and adores him. He plays with our little boy, provides and buys everything for him, he cooks, cleans and even goes to the market his only downfall is that he is a womanizer, that is it.

I can only believe what you write here, and I don't mean to be rude or judgmental with you/your husband/marriage. At the end of the day, you go back to your life and I go back to mine. It's just that, it really makes me feel bad to read posts like yours, when you say HE is a womanizer and YOU are making more and more efforts to make him come back to his senses. Like he's not the one breaking his vows.

You know, I had a "boyfriend" once, who was a really great guy, always there when I needed him, very attentive and blablabla. I knew he had lots of girlfriends and I never really bothered since I considered him just a good friend. It's only after a year that I discovered he was married with kids. I was so shocked I refused to see him ever again. Now that I am married with kids myself, I often think of his behavior and of his wife. I wonder, does he play gentleman outside and then goes back home and is a great father? Or is he the kind of guy who makes her feel she is not enough to make him happy? The same man who was showing no remorse going from one gf to another, he goes back home, cooks, cleans, plays with his kid,  and his WIFE might be struggling, and praying to be "better" to "win him back"? His wife might be the only one really caring about him, but still, he spends his time on one night stands with different girls who don't give a sh*** ? And he's a good man?

I just find it so disgusting and degrading, as a woman,  A one time "mistake" can be hard to forgive, but a womanizer? That tells a lot about the guy's character,  And I can't believe any woman deserves a man like that.

deols:
what exactly does it mean to be submissive?

In what circumstances is that required or can it be foregone?

to what extent is it a requirement for a successful marriage

DO men demand it even before tying the knot?

Being submissive, to me, means you trust the other person enough to let him take the lead (at least in some situations).

I think it is required at a level that will show enough trust to your partner, but I don't think a 100% submission would be a good thing. If you never have a say, if you don't have an opinion or you don't have a clue, then what's the whole point of you being submissive? To me, there is value in being submissive when you deliberately choose to trust your partner for the decision he is making. It means that if you see some big red flags, you'll let him know and you'll still use your free will to make decision, though it doesn't mean you'll be submissive only when you agree with him. It's a balance between a lot of things, but basically, I'd say it would be important to show this trust in situations when you wouldn't make the same decision as he does, but you still decide to trust him and follow him.

I don't think all men demand it before tying the knot, depending on the kind of man, they might expect more or less submission from their gf, and might not all mean the same thing with that word. I think it's important to be with a man who has the same understanding as you about submission.

agiboma:
Madame i am not interested @ this time to break up my family and leave my son fatherless.

Your husband will always be your son's father, no matter if he is your ex or not. It depends on him to maintain a strong and healthy relationship with his son, and to take responsibility for his son's financial/material upkeep. Many divorced fathers do that wonderfully. If yours won't, then I can't help but think he might already not be doing much as a father.

moremi2008:
You are a dunce! So if a woman's husband is an unaffectionate ho, the woman is at fault? If the man decides to go sleeping around outside the family home, then the woman isn't working hard enough to "conquer" the "homefront"? You have nothing to contribute but foolishness. Men like you should have their tongues cut out and lips sealed - permanently.

Thank you, was still looking for a way to put it, but u did it perfectly well .


@op and agiboma : is there a prize I am not aware of for staying married no matter what? Or is your self esteem so low that you believe it's the best you can get in life ? Wake up girls, if what you wrote here is true (womanizing husband with a wife doing her best to be good at everything) then you'd better find yourself another option than being married for the sake of being married. Try and talk honestly with your hubby, put everything on the table, if he's not willing to work with you towards a better situation, then, sorry to say but you're already separated. Good luck.

Thanks for your reply, it's really helpful.

Akara and akamu is my all time favorite, I never managed to make akamu here, so I'm really looking forward to my next trip to nigeria to have some,

Ujujoan:
I wonder why a woman gets blamed when she just wants to ensure she doesn't wake up in the morning with only garri to drink. Abeg who came to this world to suffer   

Mtccccccccchew!

I think you have a very valid point here, ensuring that you won't have a lazy and games/girls/alcohol (or anything else)- addicted husband is a must. But then again, I think the whole point is not to find a man that will bring everything (materially speaking) to the marriage. A lady can also ensure her future is safe through her own hard work/savings/investments.

I bet HD doesn't mind being loved for what he has to offer in terms of financial security, but he wouldn't want to be loved [b]only [/b]for that reason (and I guess nobody would).

I am of the belief that though husband and wife should join strength in running their home (both contribute to the financial upkeep) when it comes to properties it should be to each their own, at least in nigeria, things can be different in the western world where the legal background can help both husband and wife to protect their properties (from each other and from outsiders).

Hello nairalanders

I am still working on my plan to relocate to nigeria, while studying job offers, I will need your help (especially those based there, since I didn't go back for a couple of yrs) as for the cost of life in Lagos.

What price range would you give for those things :
-rented flat/house (3 bedrooms), preferably in VI or Lekki
-24hrs electricity and water (including fuel cost)
- house help / nanny salary (5 days a week, office hours +2)
- occasional driver wages (week ends etc.)
- gateman salary (if in a house, lives in, not necessary if in a flat)
- fuel cost for car
- average cost of food for a family of 5 (80% local + 20% imported)
- other expenses?

Thank you in advance for your help, as this will help me make my decision to move now or wait some more. ,

ronkebp:
LMAO>>>>> YOUR HUBBY IS VERY FUNNY, abeg, don't mind my yoruba ooo, your user name deceived me into believing you either speak or understand yoruba, ( i meant, i no dey carry last) and that is if you understand pidgin, . Good to be patient and humble.

Yes, he is one funny man, he just likes to drive me crazy

Pidgin is okay with me, I'm learning o

ronkebp:
when he tries to, i am always like'' you know i am the weaker sex; don't you'' and he will just laugh and say it is when work comes that you become weaker.

Oh, I try that too, but my hubby is too much, he answers "that will make you strong!"      He really is lucky to have a wife so patient and humble  (hey, he's not there to deny it!) 


As for the yoruba, I am really sorry but I don't understand it

ronkebp:
Miss_Ife, there is nothing communication cannot do, i can imagine myself struggling with our baby and my hubby is walking infront me expecting me to carry the luggage, infact by the time i scream!!!!!!!!!!!!! his name, he would stop, reverse and help me carry the luggage, even if he is the one ''spoon feeding'' me 100%. That attitude, will not survive in my marraige, mbanu!!!!!.

It's true, my husband is not a totally desperate case He just knows that I will take charge if he doesn't and he likes to play with my limits, if I later complain his excuse is "I was going to do it but since you do it so well. , " Anyways, he is there for me when I truly need him, and if I want to get mad, I do so, So I just take this habit as one I have to live with, somehow

I've been through all the answers and some really cracked me up. 

The original post itself got me smiling, because my husband is so much like the one in couple A. Not that he is a bad man or anything, he just probably is a little inconsiderate. I still don't quite understand how a man who was treating me like a queen and did anything for me at a blink of an eye would just "not notice" that i am struggling with his heavy luggage, baby in one hand and other stuff on my back. He probably thinks because I used his suitcase to pack all of my girl's stuff is reason enough 

Anyway, my point is, nobody's perfect, my hubby needs a reminder that I need help, sometimes, and that his muscles are welcome to carry an heavy load (and he would make shakara and complain and tell the story for months), but then again, I also make fun of him and it mainly becomes a joke between us. Outside, he likes to be seen as the boss, and I shine with my humility  (lol) at home we just make fun of each other and he is very loving, and attentive, in his own way.

I have a friend whose husband is sooo courteous, polite, helpful when outside. They show a wonderful appearance, anything the lady says, the man does. I was sometimes impressed (let me ask my hubby to fetch something from the kitchen when having dinner with friends!), but then I remember how she calls me every month after their arguments, when he throws insults at her and even beats her.
This is an extreme scenario, but it shows that not-smiling face and not-helpful behavior outside doesn't necessarily mean a bad husband/wife at home and in general.

I even like it now when I try to chat with hubby and he doesn't reply, I know he still listens and I tell all kinds of silly things and watch him try to hide a smile

If "problems" with her classmates occur on a daily basis maybe the mom should have a chat with the class teacher. Through books, or any other things, the teacher can bring up the topic of tolerance and physcial differences to the class and have the kids talk about it and learn that everybody is unique and has to be accepted. She can talk about it in a general way i.e. disabled kids, tall/short, thin/chubby differences etc. I believe the school has a role to play in teaching kids how to accept each other and live together.

Activities outside of school can be a good idea too.

As for boy/girl difference, I don't know about it, but I know that as early as 3yrs old my daughter was asking me "what color she is", seeing that mama is white and daddy is black, and seeing black/white/asian kids in school but no other mixed kid in her class. Parents should seize this kind of opportunity to build up self confidence in their children but also teach them tolerance towards other people differences.

I personnally [i]love [/i]natural african hair. Though it's a lot of work to maintain (I can see that taking care of my kid's hair), I would have love to be black just to wear a nice afro hair style

I regularly braid my daughter's hair, but also often leave it natural. Anyways, I wouldn't accept her to straighten it or wear weaves before she reaches at least 16yrs old (and I still hope she wouldn't need it). It's not that I dislike weaves but, it gives me a weird feeling knowing it's not "natural" hair.

Thanks for your reply. It is really frustrating, especially when we send presents!

I was hoping to get other contacts than the usual DHL and stuff but most agents seem as expensive as they are.

up. any idea?

I've tried regular post office, pacakges get there but almost half of the load has been taken away. I want to send stuff for family (presents), and some stuff to sell in nigeria (clothes, electronics, perfume etc.). How can I send it in a reliable way without spending twice the price of the goods on the shipping?

Oh, gosh, my hubby is like that too! You should see him if I get out of the bathroom wearing a towel around me, he'd be running everywhere trying to close curtains and lock doors, as if there were a crowd of men waiting outside for me to come out the shower

I'm glad to see you all contributed to this thread with great ideas, I hope you'll all come here and show us pictures of your delicious christmas meal after the 25th

parisienne:
@op I have done volunteer work in orphanages over the years and I love the idea of adoption. I would love to adopt after having my second child. However, my husband is not as keen as I am.

Exactly the same for me. I don't think my husband will change his mind, though.

I like both

Sometimes, he can let me watch my romantic comedy on TV when a football game is on at the same time, and he stays there without even saying a word about it. That speaks much louder than words, and I truly appreciate it.

Sometimes he just hugs me and look at me with little stars in his eyes and say "I love you". And that is just perfect too.

What is important, I guess is to find balance between each person's needs so that no one will feel the lack of anything, be it actions or words.

I was also thinking jollof rice with fried chicken, I'd love to add moin moin too, but as ronke i will be working the 24th so not much time to cook. If i have no time for moin moin I'll do some meat pies instead. I'm still hesitating about the turkey, never cooked one in my life and I'm not sure I will be bold enough to try it on christmas day, Or maybe I'll try but won't tell anyone

Then probably some mashed potatoes and vegetables on the side, beer,

Still looking for new ideas though!

I feel you, I've also met my husband in a third country (neither his or mine), but I guess it's been easier that way, because none of our cultures was imposed on the other one (if we had lived in nigeria he'd probably have found it more difficult to compromise, and the same goes with me if we had met in my own environment).

Anyway, being abroad is not easy, especially at the beginning when you still miss your family and friends. It takes time to know someone enough to commit to that person, so take your time, take it easy and remember that things that seem evident to you might not seem so to him (and the other way around).

Tks CC, I get you, I just reacted immediately when reading that the young girl had to get an abortion.

I often complain about my husband but when I read stories here, or when I look around me I thank God for the man He has blessed me with.