₦airaland Forum

I was just talking with a pregnant friend about that. In the west, we more and more hear about "elimination communication" which consists in paying attention to the infant's signs that he/she needs to eliminate waste, without using diapers. I have to admit that it doesn't seem appealing to me at all, but still, it got me thinking. I traveled to some asian countries where I noticed children (even new born babies) were not wearing diapers and the parents used to whistle to the kid when doing his/her business. Later the kid just kind of responded to the whistle.
I know my grandmothers didn't have disposable diapers but they used clothes instead and washed them. I have no idea how it was done before that. Have you seen other methods? What did mothers used in old time nigeria?

queensmith, I think we are all here advising the op to hang on there because there is no proof yet that the husband doesn't love her or that this marriage is doomed. Over half of my married friends could have said more or less the same thing about their personal life after the 1st child was born. It is a major change and their marriage is still young. None of us here know if the man is not willing to make things work. We just don't know that for sure. There is a possibility that he has given up on making efforts for his wife, it happens, and in that case I would strongly encourage the op to not stay in a loveless marriage, but to reach that conclusion it takes way more than "crying twice to your husband without seeing changes". There are adjustments in a marriage that take months or even years to achieve. When I read the op's post I mainly read that she is bored and tired that her husband is not responsive. This is a very common feeling, and I believe they can overcome it, together.

All the advices we are giving here are to help her initiate a change in their relationship. The objective being that her actions will open door for better communication with her husband that will allow them to make things better. There is also a possibility that the op is bored for reasons not directly related to her marriage. She could be going through postpartum depression or being bored at her life in general, and focusing her frustration on her marriage. We are just here giving advices on how she could go about it. That doesn't mean she has to slave for her husband and accept to be disrespected, ignored and taken for granted for the rest of her life. I still believe it is way too early to give up on this marriage, with time, she will know what to do, but before doing anything she should think about it seriously and not take actions that she might regret in the end.

queensmith: Miss Ife- It actually seems to me that the husband is the one with all the time? Why cant he make an effort to spend it with his wife? If your busy with the baby what is he busy doing?

The OP's first post is actually quite short and doesn't seem to emphasize on anything wrong the husband did/does. It could be that he has lost interest in the marriage and is not willing to do anything about it and stuff, and if that's the case, she'll find soon enough. However, if they got married, not so long ago, it means they both shared love, respect and common values. Nothing good comes easy, and as she is the one noticing a change and suffering from it, she has her own responsibility in that relationship to invest some of her time/energy in making it work.

That doesn't mean the husband has nothing to do. Hopefully, seeing is woman making efforts, he'll open up and they'll be able to talk about changes both of them can make. It take times, the situation she describes can happen, and actually does happen to many couples who love and respect each other. We don't always understand our partner 100%, sometimes we let small issues grow into bigger ones, hopefully, our partner will notice and take action. Who knows, next time her husband might be the one doing the work.

queensmith, I generally really appreciate your interventions here, and i totally get where you are coming from. I also have this strong feeling of injustice when I look at most man/woman relationship. It is good to fight for woman's rights, but we have to be careful when doing that to not start fighting against all men. There are still many committed, honest, faithful, loving and so on men, and even those great guys don't always make everything right. Even a "good man" and a "good woman" can struggle in their marriage, it is not always someone's fault, though everybody makes mistakes, but human relationships are like that. I still believe it is better to first play fair and believe the other party involved is honest and willing to make things work before starting a fight to know who's wrong.

@queensmith : I get what you are saying and I usually like your ideas. However, in that case, it doesn't seem like there is a major issue, one that can't be overcomed. I don't think leaving her husband would make things any better because this kind of feeling or issue rises in almost every marriage at one point or another.

To me, it looks like OP and her husband are just leaving the "honeymoon" period, and they're entering into a new phase of their relationship. They've been married for 2 yrs so I assume the baby is just around 1yr old. Many couples get shaked up after the first child's birth, the whole balance they had found together goes out the window and they need to learn and adjust to a new life.

Now, abt 1yr after the baby's birth is the time when most women kind of "wake up" from their "baby phase". I don't know how to put it with words, but when my baby reached abt 10 months I felt like I started to open my eyes again and realized the world was not revolving only around my baby. It is around that time that I also started to realize that I actually had a husband ( I'm kidding but the truth isn't far off).

Anyways, @op : it will take time, like most of the people told you here, this kind of issue doesn't just disappear overnight. You want your husband to be your friend and building a friendship takes months, and years. Start from where you are, sit down and think about your life, what you like, what are your priorities, how you can organize yourself. I think it is important that you have other goals and interests in life than your husband/baby. Even if your family is your 1st priority, it can do you a lot of good to hang out with your girlfriends (even if you spend the day with your kids and talking about baby stuff), to achieve new things with your business and so on. Take some time to take care of yourself physically too. When a baby is small, we are happy to have time to just take a shower, try to also take time to do your hair, cream yourself, make up and stuff like you did before. Don't put too much pressure on yourself though, I know how frustrating it can be when you only have 5 minutes before the baby cries to do something you used to do in 25 minutes

From there, try to find good times with your husband, and cherish them, as small as they are. A little smile, a little joke, both of you being amazed at how beautiful your child is, watching a movie at home together, sharing a meal. Keep it simple, he won't open up and change radically at once. Just let him know that you are in a mood for peace, and friendship, with time, he'll come around.

Another important thing, when you feel it's the right time, pls ask him if you've hurt him in any way or if there is anything that you do and that he doesn't like. During pregnancy and when the baby's just arrived, we ladies are subject to hormones changes, we face a lot of new emotions and we sometimes behave inappropriately because of that. It can be that he felt rejected after the baby got there. Pls, listen to what he has to say, ask for forgiveness and follow his advices. For example, try and move the baby to her own cot (she's big enough now) and go sleep with your husband.

Above all, keep the faith and keep praying, it is a very normal phase you guys are going through. Hope it gets better.

thank you

horny4u:
About not mixing she will mix in time, let no teacher make you think something is wrong with your daughter.

Seconded!

2 is still very young. My own daughter cried every morning when I left her for more than 6 months. Things got better with time and patience, but each kid adjust to school in his/her own way.

@busy body : thank you so much ! Talked to my husband about it, he said we can start packing and move. Since we won't need a car or any extra luggage we'll just walk/swim to nigeria

@maclatunji : I am still in the research phase for now, but will certainly get in touch with you when I'm ready to move. What can be considered a good standard of living is something that depends a lot on individuals, in the end we'll spend what we can afford to spend and we'll thank God

coogar:
you love the heat in lagos? it's nothing like the summer in the west.
the humidity in lagos can be life threatening.

True, especially since I never stayed a full yr in Lagos, I guess I'll get used to it.

@blank : ok, tks for the info. I just want to be as near as possible to potential jobs, knowing the traffic there, I like Lekki, but I'm not really familiar with all the "phase 1"/"phase 2" and so on. Anyways, having a price range is enough for now, as I said earlier, I'll plan a trip to confirm a few things before moving for real.

tks again!

jay bee:
Yup
I guess you have to budget more around the mid range.
Good luck with the move

Thanks for your help. Blank said the prices are for Lekki, would it be more or less the same in VI ? Is it the same for a house or a flat?

It's actually quite close to prices here in Europe.

coogar:
i think the income is the most important aspect in nigeria - once that is sorted, everything else falls into place.
but then, get a job or be an entrepreneur? there's no job security in nigeria - they fire and hire at will. . . . .employees are treated like shyte.

that's why my husband and I plan on doing both, one of us will be employed, the other one run a business. I think it's safer that way. We'll secure a fall back plan here if it doesn't work in naija anyway.

Never worked there, though, pls don't scare me just yet  

as for the heat, it is actually one of the reason why I want to move, I just love it  

@jay bee : ok, that means, according to blank's pricing that rent + service of a 3 bedroom in ikoyi would range from 1.4m to 4m per annum,

@coogar, yes, it's not easy to get something accurate. I will be planning a trip shortly before relocating to confirm the essential info, but that won't be before some other things are in place (jobs, savings etc.)

jay bee:
^^^
Yes

what do you mean?

@blank, sorry, was juste re-reading your post and I'm not sure i understand well, when you say

2 get almost 24hrs light n water, it will be a serviced flat from N400k to N1.5m service charge per annum

is that on top of the rent or the rent itself?

tks

I don't think the poster says there should be no special attention between husband and wife, just that, with combined income and accounts, it is probably not necessary to go through the hallmark val card and new jumper kind of thing.

I actually kind of have the same feeling as you about these things, but my hubby and I are on the same page. So many romantic gestures can be done without spending money in a store. I love it when he writes little notes to say "I love you" and leave them in my folders, books, mirror, I like the fact that he left work early on val day to buy and cook a nice meal for both of us, as I was finishing work late, and so on.
That doesn't mean both things can't work together (presents paid for and other unpaid for attentions), just that different people like different things.

That being said, op should be very careful when bringing the topic up with his wife, because what doesn't mean much to you can mean a lot to her, and if she likes it that way, then you'd better keep doing it. You can just add some other less commercial attentions to your relationship and she might enjoy it even more.

ronkebp:
Miss Ife, wow am just seeinhg your response, thank you jare!!!! i will copy and paste your answer , my dear it is for my programme oooo, i have to do statistics and i hate maths with a passion, i only cram formular and drop for the lecturer faa!!! but this analysis pass my power, that was why i was like let me reach out to every,

My post was hidden coz the spambot got mad at me spending too much time online instead of cleaning my house yesterday night and i've been banned for no reason at all

Anyway, good luck with your program, i'll be finishing my own in a few months and just can't waaaaaiiiit !

Ok, let me try that one, though my head is rusty too

1/ Your shop draws 15% of total customer on any given day, which make 0.15*500 = 75 customers on saturday mornings
Out of those 75 customers only 35% will make a purchase of 10$ or more, which means 75*0.35= 26.25 customers
therefore, statistically, you'd make a minimum of 26.25*10=262.25$ per saturday morning.
This is just under 300$, but this is a minimum (10$ or more) so you'd probably need to calculate it again with the average amount customers spend in the shop to know if you would make profit or not.

2/The probability is still 1/2, the previous "events" do not influence the result. In terms of probability, whether you flip a coin for the 150th time or the first time, there is always just 1/2 chance for it to show tail.

now, tell me, why those maths, ronke?

If my hubby could only do the dishes ONCE for my birthday I'm sure that would make me happy

who said I lowered my expectations ?

[quote author=Idera_olu link=topic=886028.msg10329372#msg10329372 date=1330896472]Na wa o, but if it is to be a Son to mother affair won't you be able to draw a parallel with you playing football with him?

Nice contribution I must say.[/quote]Sure, I would love to have a boy too, but having no brothers I guess it was easier for me to imagine having a girl than a boy at first, it was not totally unknown

Though I would have been happy with a boy too, I was really glad my first child was a girl. For many personal reasons :
- nowadays, a girl can achieve about as much as a man, in terms of career, independence etc.
- having mainly women/girls around me, I figured it would be easier for me to raise a girl, since I can understand her, and that she'll also be a help when she grows up
- and on top of everything else, I could only imagine myself having "girls time" with my daughter : spending time doing her hair, watching princess cartoons, playing with her dolls, teaching her how to cook and so on. I really anticipated a perfect mother/daughter relationship and til date I have not been disappointed

@Sauer, thanks so much for your post, I've been looking for such info for quite some time now, should have posted here

Anyway, just writing to say thanks and keep track of this post.

Oh, and about disciplining the child, you'd be surprised at how many couples face this same kind of situation. I live with my husband, he's been here with our kid from day one and has always played an important role in her life, but still, we sometimes have different views on how to train the kid. It is only natural, we both agreed to not intervene in front of the child, but we sometimes argue about our choices when she's not there,

@poster : don't try to be irresponsible pls, that would only make your problems worse. When I opened the thread I was worried at what I would read this time (been used to really scary stories here), but your situation doesn't look like a desperate one at all. You are upset because you are doing all your best for her and feel she is not supporting your choices, and she is upset with you because she loves you so much she wants you around and doesn't worry about anything else. Thank God that with the distance and the hardship you are both going through, all alone in different countries, you still love each other and care for each other and your child. I can't emphasize enough on that, it is a real blessing and many "long distance couples" have much worse problems to worry about.

That being said, I see two things in your situation :
1/ About the plans you have for your family : did you discuss them with your wife? Was she supporting you at the beginning ? If yes, what changed ? If no, why did you go ahead and do it ? How long do you think the long distance will last ?
2/ About the misunderstandings between the both of you : do not forget that you are having them because you LOVE and CARE for each other, even her complains, her attitude are out of love. This is so precious in nowadays world and marriages, pls, do not waste that over simple issues. You guys can work through anything with this love, pls, do not forget it.

debrief08:
No, he is my very good friend, my spouse and my confidant but definately not my best pal. I like to shoe shop, he cant be with me in the store for more than 20 minutes, I like to gossip he doesnt, I like to talk about silly stuff, he calls it silly and says " how does this affect me" ,lol, my best friend on the other hand does all these things with me. However, My hubby and I hang out a lot but there is a place for hubby there is a place for bestie

I could have written these words

debrief08:
So why do some moms make this statement? " After everything I have suffered for my sons sake, some body wants to reap where she didnt sow" The aim of having a child is to love and prepare the child for a life of his/ her own to the glory of God and not to replace the spouse. In my own Oppinion.

I think there's an obvious problem here. Maybe these ladies lack something else in their lives : an enjoyable marriage, a fulfilling career, Maybe they've started thinking that only their kids can make them happy and end up having these weird ideas. However, I'm not sure it's the exact same thing as what we are discussing in this topic, though it's linked, for instance, I said I'd "choose" my kids over my husband but I totally agree with you when you say kids are raised so that they can go and live their own life away from their parents. There's a differences between feeling this strong love for your children and mixing it up with love for your spouse. Though I love my kids unconditionally, I can never mistake them for my spouse.

sometimes eat my kid's left-over, though less and less

kokoye:
Is it because he does not love his kids unconditionally?

I've been thinking about that today, and realized that it [i]could [/i]be a matter of time spent with the child/spouse. For example, apart from work, I spend much more time with my child than with my husband and my husband spends much more time with me than with my child. Could be that he knows me better? Needs me more? Or maybe becoming a father is not as life-changing as becoming a mother?

I actually have no idea, I'm not a man And I'm not even sure my own husband would choose me over our children. Somehow, I hope he'd choose our children.

y me:
I love cigarrettes smell tho I hate smoking with passion

I love the smell of weed, though I don't smoke

I love the smell of my bedsheets when my husband and I already slept in them for some nights.

LOL ! Thanks for the good laugh!

ronkebp:
Worded!!!!!! nice one.

thanks 

@debrief : loving my child unconditionally doesn't mean I spoil her. I am actually a quite strict mum, and since I love her, I want the best for her, which includes being brought up properly so that she will be able to fit in the society and make responsible choices for her own life when she grows up. I know very well she will leave me and go and live her own life, that is the whole point of my "work" as a mother,  but i know very well too that my love for her will never stop, married or not, it will always be as deep as it is now. I'm telling you, if my husband was to leave me and go marry I wouldn't be loving him anymore  Joke apart, the love is very different, I don't think that the fact that kids move on with their lives changes anything. I wouldn't want my husband to leave me and I'd stay with my kid for the rest of my life, but that doesn't change the way I feel when it comes to that deep, unexplainable love.

[quote author=fresh_dude link=topic=879000.msg10295276#msg10295276 date=1330467646]@Miss_Ife, are we then right to infer that you couldn't give your life for your spouse, and if so why?[/quote]I guess i would [i]think [/i]about it before doing it, It sounds weird, but this is the way I feel, I can't really explain it myself. though c;four has raised a very good point. I love my husband deeply, but if things were to turn sour between us, I don't know how long this love would last bur has for my children, my love is unconditional, whatever they do, whatever they look like, this love is even stronger than me

@ronke : I totally recognize myself in what you said. It is difficult to explain, I love my husband deeply and he's a very good husband. However ( ) The love I have for my child is so different. My whole world was changed forever when I met her, and I would give my own life without even thinking about it for her. I know she will go and build her own family someday and I pray that she might experience this same deep, strong love for her own children.

Looooooove