₦airaland Forum

Thank God your husband reacted that way. Now, let's hope his actions will reflect his words.

@Missy B, I had no problem taking the moi moi out on a plate and slicing it. I did spread a little bit of oil in the loaf pan before steaming though, and I removed the moi moi from the pan while still warm (I didn't know if it was better to wait for it to cool or not, but it worked anyway so, ). The slices actually look quite nice, since it can show what is inside the moi moi, I didn't make them too large, just like standard cake slices.

I actually often do bread pudding with the bread left-over, last time I tried with puff puff, it still remained too hard. This time I'm gonna try to cut the puff puff and soak it in some milk before making the pudding. I'll let you know if it works. This kind of pudding is nice for breakfast, though my husband doesn't really like it.

As for my puff puff, I just make it very simple : flour, sugar (1/3 of the flour's quantity), yeast and water. I make them quite big though (that's the way hubby likes them ). I sometimes put nutmeg but I tend to prefer the plain version. I didn't think there were many possibile ways to make puff puff, what is yours?

Oh he did enjoy it! I didn't tell him that I cooked moi moi, when he came home he saw the jollof and later looked at what was on the table, he started with a "your cake looks weird, " before noticing the eggs and then he couldn't believe his eyes : "you cooked moi moi?! Really? how did you do?! who did you call?" He thought I woke up some of his nigerian lady friend to get the recipe   I was so proud  

Now, this blog is just wonderful, there are still so many other dishes that I want to learn. And i love the presentation, it looks very "classy".

Hello there,

I always make a lot of puff puff at once, coz my family usually finish eating everything by the time I'm done frying it . This time they were not so hungry so I have many puff puf left for days, and now they're getting hard and not so appealing. Is there a way to use them? Maybe to cook something else? i usually always find a way to accomodate leftovers since I hate throwing food away, but this time I really don't know what to do.

Any suggestion welcom, thanks!

Well, first, I don't believe it's a religion issue, there are good and bad men everywhere in the world. What your husband did to you just brought tears to my eyes. Girl, marriage is not a do or die, you just had a baby and need someone supportive. Do you have any family you could stay with? I'd advise you, for your peace of mind, to move to a good family member's house (parents, siblings) with your baby for some time. Meanwhile, feel free to tell his mother what her son has been up to. Pray for him and pray for direction. I don't support divorce without trying to make things better, bur your husband is too much. Take time to think things through and talk to him with the help of his family if possible, to understand if there is anything you did wrong or any chance he might change. If you see improvement, hold on there and try to make it work, otherwise,

This post made me smile cos the poster husband reminds me so much of my own 

I can testify that I carefully dated him and noticed that he was hardworking, knew how to cook, clean, take care of kids and stuff. He is always eager to help others, the first year of our marriage he was sometimes doing more than me in the house! But few years down the road, though he does some things at home, his share of the housechores has considerably reduced, while mine increased due to children. I used to get so mad at it, but later found it was useless. My solution was simple : first, remind myself that, if he wasn't there, I would still do most of these housechores for me and my kids. Then, I followed ronkebp's advice : no need to clean the house from top to bottom at once, a little bit everyday is a much easier way to handle it. Finally, I started involving him in the housechores "without him noticing" : i put the baby+bottle in his arms while he's watching TV, I ask him to hang the clothes while I finish cooking ("otherwise the meal will be late", little things like that, I always add up nice words and tell him thank you. Sometimes I even tease him and tell him he can't clean/cook as well as me, he takes the joke seriously and does all he can to prove me wrong,  when it's done I just sit there and tell him "since your egusi soup is soooo sweet, pls cook it again, I really want to eat some tomorrow!" 

I kind of agree with both CC and andromida, since she told you about the situation, she might be ready to go the extra mile to not reproduce it in her own marriage. However, entering married life with resentment or "hate" towards her own parents might be an heavy burden. You should try to help her forgive her parents and be at peace with the situation. She might also be afraid to have a marriage like theirs. It's a good thing to talk about it so she will be more aware of her feelings and deal with them before getting married, that will make her more ready for marriage, imho.

A degree is always useful. But four years ?! Imagine, when she gets back her oldest will almost be a teenager! And it is also not a grat idea for her relationship with her husband. Is she going to have a lot of courses to follow? Maybe she can spend 3 days a week over there and the last 4 days at home, that could be manageable. But how about her, doesn't she feel bad about not seeing her kids growing on a daily basis? Why her husband doesn't want to move with her? I kind of have the feeling that their marriage is not going fine and that she's using this college as a way to put distance between her husband and her,

Wow! I tried cooking moi moi a few times and always had trouble with the steaming, I just tried your recipe and my perfect moi moi is cooling in the kitchen as I'm typing. My husband will be happy and, at last, he won't be making fun of my moi moi anymore !

As for the blog, I also spent a long time going through it, it's already in my favorites. Many thanks!

It is not the easiest situation to start a marriage. The man might not be comfortable with his wife being the breadwinner, and they would need to delay other plans (children, house etc.) until his situation improves. If the situation lasts, it can be very challenging for the couple. However, if a man has [i]currently [/i]no job but has plans for the future, prospects and hopefully some savings, and if the wife feels ready to take the financial responsibilty for a while, why not? But they should really think things through, sometimes waiting for a year or two can make things easier, it also depends on their age and the time they have already spent dating.

It's an interesting topic, I have never thought of being a housewife ever in my life. Being married with kids, I now think it is good for a woman to have a balanced lifestyle between work and family. Work is necessary, because I consider my husband and I to be a team, we work together towards goals, we both contribute to the family, and the same way I like him to give me a hand with the housechores, I find it normal to bring my own salary home. I also have my own ambitions and plans for the future, and work guarantees some independence.

Talking about that, having a stable career allowed me to marry the one I truly loved, whether than looking for an already made man and certainly missing on great but not yet wealthy ones.

That being said, I believe there are some moments in a woman's life when it is ok, and probably better to stay home : during the 1st year after birth, for example, and why not until the child goes to school, to make it easier and less stressful (breastfeeding, baby's sleepless nights etc.). I decided to leave a big enough gap between my kids in order to stay home a bit after birth but still go back to work to keep in touch with my career before getting pregnant again.

I've always wondered, though, what the housewives will do after the kids are grown and gone? Won't they feel left out, alone at home waiting for their husband to retire?

iice:
[color=#9900ff]Pro choice. Having said that. . .better to not even get into the situation in the first place. [/color]

Same here, there are many ways to avoid unwanted pregnancies, abortion should remain an exception.

IMO, engagement means the couple already agreed (or almost) on a wedding date, so maximum 1yr engagement. I don't get the point of an engagement that would be "endless" with no plan of getting married soon. Why the ring and proposal if the man is not ready to marry soon?

I also lost a friend shortly after getting married, and she behaved more or less like your friend. She didn't accept my husband from the day I met him, it had caused arguments between us before but after a few months of distance I thought everything was well, I now think she was just waiting or hoping for us to break up, after the wedding she started being very distant again, going out with other friends, not answering my calls, and so on. I stopped calling her and it has been a few years now that I don't have news. It really hurt for a few months and then I accepted to let her go.

We had a very close friendship before i met my husband, we were staying together a lot, always going out together, shopping together, cooking together, meeting other friends together, i guess my relationship with my husband made her no longer n.1 and that's probably what caused the friendship to end. She herself was engaged but in a long distance relationship, which didn't influence her daily life much.

You might try to talk to her again after some time but remember, some relationships are not meant to last.

jennykadry:
^^ The fact that it worked out well for you, does not mean it'll work out well for everybody even if they decide to worship the ground their hubby's stand on.

You are right, there is no universal recipe to make a relationship work, I just felt my testimony could be useful since I don't think keeping grudges will help. Either she decides to forgive him and she has to stop bringing the topic up in every argument, or she decides she cannot and has to separate. Meanwhile, she can still be honest with him and herself and explain that she thinks forgiving him is the right thing to do but that she hasn't done it yet and still need time.

I am not sure taking a final decision now is the proper thing to do, it is still quite recent, Only the poster knows how she feels about it, I'd say give it a real try and work hard at it, but I am not in her shoes.

iland Babe, during the first year of our marriage, or maybe the first couple of years, my husband and I had the same kind of arguments. No cheating involved, but serious things we did that hurt each other. I used to react a bit like you, I felt that, because of the "good" I was doing to my husband (in your case, that would be forgiving him) he should be grateful, and I kept bringing up the "bad" he did. My husband reacted like yours, warning me that if I kept pushing him he'd go elsewhere, where he'd get respect. I now believe that he was telling me this as a real warning, out of love, and not as a threat, but back then it was always making me more mad.

Things only started to settle when I gave up the right to use the "bad" against him. I realized that I wasn't a saint either, and that I had truly hurt him too. For the sake of love, I shut up. It was actually difficult at the beginning because for the first few months, he was so used to me yelling back at him that he kept being very defensive. I let him be, and with time, he realized I would not answer back if he had something bad to tell me. From there, we started learning how to solve our problems through more talking and less arguing.

You got married to that man, give up only after you gave it a real try. So, give it a real try. Find a way to express all your anger and pain, write it, go to gym, talk to a counselor, whatever works, and do it as often as necessary. But show your husband that you wouldn't use that as a weapon against him.

@baby.me : it is good that she knows about that, sometimes children can have really weird ideas about things that we hide to them and they imagine things worse than the truth. That's why it is best to tell the truth (in a way that is understandable to them).

You say that she is very smart and gets the highest grades in school, have you tested her IQ? children with high IQ tend to have behavior issues because they are very smart in some areas but often lack some emotionnal/social skills.
IMO it is a good thing that you have talked to her about which schoolshe wanted to go to. That doesn't mean you have to do what she wants, as the adult you get to say the final word. Do you think she might want to go to boarding school to get away with the discipline at home ? Or is she trying to test you to see if you'd easily "give up" on her?

@Missy*B : I get what you are saying since it is a widely spread belief. However, basic psychology is very clear : truth and respect from the parents to the child do wonders. When I say truth, I don't mean going into unnecessary details and when I say respect, I don't mean no discipline. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to convince anybody, baby.me is the adult, she'll get what she needs from our advices. But another position is always good to hear.

Nekai:
It's a shame that this poor girl's parents care nothing about her. Maybe this is why she is acting out.

Maybe you can't get through to the mother, but try to appeal to your brother. He needs to show this girl the attention she apparently craves, before she gets it from the wrong place.

I agree with that. I can't believe we could beat a child and later tell him it's because of love,  No wonder some ladies get beaten by their husbands/bf and confuse it with love  

You say she is lying, but has she been lied to ? Did anybody talk to her about her birth, her parents situation, why they are separated, why they are not taking care of her, why her grandma is no longer taking care of her ? Sometimes we adults just want to avoid some akward talks and believe that, since the kid didn't ask, we don't need to tell,  I think this little girl needs to know about what is really going on in her life. Who will take care of her if you give up on her too?

I don't think beating would help in any way. That is my opinion, I believe beating brings fear, and respect shouldn't be confused with fear.

As for the choice of secondary school, involve her in the decision. Ask her what she'd prefer (boarding school or not), tell her that you feel that your relationship is not going alright and you need to know her opinion. Watch her answers carefully, she might try to reject you just in an attempt to see how you react.

Patience, love, and truth from the adults around her should, with time, help her be confident again.

@op : I had the same problem with my baby, though she was older at the time. There are a few things you can try to solve it :

- first, a baby will never starve himself to death ! You need to be convinced and full confident in the fact that your baby might fight against the bottle but he'd end up eating anyway because that's his survival instincts

- you should not be the one giving him the bottle. When you do, your baby smells the bosoms and can't accept the bottle since he knows what he really wants is nearby. I tried for about a week to make my baby accept the bottle before resuming work, I used to go to the bedroom while my husband would try to give her the bottle, it didn't work until I actually resumed work and left my baby with her caregiver. She was a very patient and loving nanny and after 3 days my baby started eating with the bottle peacefully. However, when I was around I still breastfed her, until she was about 12 months. That was when she started accepting the bottle from me.

- try out different teats size and material, your baby will find the one he likes. Don't choose one with a heavy flow, your baby is not used to it.

- Handle expressed breastmilk carefull, it can turn bad very fast, especially with hot weather. It shouldn't be boiled or put in microwave to warm, just put the bottle in warm water for a few minutes before giving it to the baby. Once the baby ate from it you have to throw the rest away.

-If it doesn't work, go out and let someone you trust handle the baby for a few hours. Some children tend to reverse their eating schedule when the mom works : they take more milk at night when mama is there (and can breastfeed) but just little daytime when she's away (and bottlefed). That can work too.

Good luck !

They've only dated for 5 months? It seems short to me, I mean, for a 19 yrs old girl. I suppose this is her first relationship? She must be in the "butterflies" mood all the time and can't wait to be allowed to spend 24/24 with the man she loves. That's very understandable, but a bit risky.

Anyway, I think it is your parents' duty to warn her about that, that the feelings she is feeling now are those of the novelty, it will be a whole different things after a couple of yrs, especially if she has nothing to do with her life. But since your parents seem to agree with the wedding, you should talk to her. Find the right time and explain to her gently that you are worried about her decision because of her age, the youth of their relationship, her lack of education and the big commitment that is a marriage. Don't tell her that she is doing something bad, just let her know what your concerns are. Then tell her that the final decision lays in her hands and that you'd just follow the flow.

That way, you show her respect (she might want to get married to get a "higher" status, feeling like a grown up woman) and you also make sure that she listens to what you are saying. If she still wants to go ahead with the wedding, be there and share her joy. Once she ties the knot, this is no longer your business but hers. She's the one who will have to face the consequences of her decision, whether good or bad.

By the way, does she think that she will loose her boyfriend if she asks him to wait for one or two more years? Does she really think that she'd be more able to keep him to herself once they are married?

Maybe she should start university first, once she realizes how much work it is and hangs out with girls/boys who have career mindset she might be more ready to make the decision.

What does she want to do in the future? does she have any plan (career, children etc.)? How well does she know the guy?

I know a friend who met her husband when she was 15, once she finished high school at 19 they got married. They both had the same expectations for the future, she took a short course during their first year of marriage and secured a job (not high qualified but what she wanted to do and could ensure an income). They only started having children afterwards and now they are one of the happiest couple I know.

However, I also know many girls who wanted/want to get married early because they don't really know what to do with their lives,  they seem to believe that getting married will answer the questions that only them should answer. These ladies usually end up quite depressed after the kids go to school and they realize, looking back, that they didn't really do anything of their lives. Plus, they resent their husbands for marrying them so early and not giving them the chance to explore their opportunities more.

After some years of marriage, routine sets in and a fulfilled life apart from the relationship (career, personnal plans) helps to nurture it. She should think about that.

I do not believe in tough parenting. But reading previous answers I realize that our parenting style depends a lot on what we consider a successful child/adult/life. I, for one, do not think that high academic results are of much importance, or at least that they are not of [i]first [/i]importance. I hope to make my kids happy, well balanced, peaceful and loving individuals. I hope that they'd find a professionnal activity that fulfills them and that they won't be scared or taken down by life's challenges.

I also have faith in them being good individuals and treat them with respect, love, and with the limits necessary to any social life. I want them to know themselves, their likes/dislikes, their feelings, their dreams and to take decisions accordingly.

I see so many adults around me who are "successful" in terms of career, money, or other society standards but who actually feel miserable deep down. Conjugal violence, marriage problems, alcohol problems, constant stress, fear, family pressure, I also met so many "successful" older people who told me that, really, they'd rather have followed a more humble but more fulfilling path.

I met my FIL at my brother in law's wedding, I was very anxious due to the cultural differences but my father in law was great and made me feel comfortable from day 1. No wonder my husband is such a nice man, having a good father like his.

I guess it was still easier as a woman, things were not so easy for my husband, he got along fine with my dad but my mom had the tendency to see any boy around her daughters as a threat   He took things easy with his usual patience and didn't reply any of her attacks, years down the road, my mom now keeps praising him and always takes his side if I ever complain  

He's just amazing. He definitely dances better than I do, and he actually seduced me with his dancing

We both love hip hop, any traditionnal african music is also good.

You just remind me how long it's been since we last danced together, hubby and I, m gonna take him clubbing fast fast

The example you quoted is a bit extreme, however it is just a different mindset. In the west, kids tend to take care of themselves and their expenses quite early (between 16 and 20 yrs old) but at the same time, they won't need to take care of their parents' expenses when they are old. I lived in Asia where parents are used to pay everything for their kids until they get married : buying car, appartment and so on, even if the "kids" are 28 and with a good job. But that same parents will move in with their children and let them bear all their expenses as soon as they retire,

I was brought up in the west, and though my mom paid for part of our studies (rent and school fees, as much as she could) I also participated and worked to cover all my personnal expenses (clothes, books, transportation etc.). I think it was just normal, knowing I had other siblings who will need to study afterwards, so my parents can't pay everything for all of us.

Another thing is that the economy in the west is sometimes terrible to the point that a young graduate can't get a job or rent an appartment with a junior level salary,  Hence western young adults tend to stay at their parents' home later and therefore are asked to contribute to the family expenses.

I hope to be able to foot my children's main bills til they are done studying and secure a decent job but if I'm not, I don't see what's the problem with them working to afford university. The same way I don't plan on paying for their personnal expenses (clothes, outings, ) as soon as they reach 16/18. I think it makes them more responsible,

Mine is not that fun actually, it left me with a bitter feeling. I met this guy in my neighborhood, we started seeing each other as friends ad I didn't want a serious relationship yet. All the time he was just acting perfect. Perfect gentleman, still courting me but very nicely and so on. After about a year I finally started thinking "why not?" and we started flirting,   At that time I had introduced him to work with one of my work partners,  and it's through that work partner that I discovered that my flirt was married with a child, when he told me his wife came and visit from their home country with their child 

No need to say, I never answered his calls or saw him again.

It seems the girl deserve a chance at going to university. If you plan on marrying her, it could even be an "investment" as she would work and get a decent salary after completing her education. The main question here is are you financially able to support her through university? The whole four years? How do you feel about that? Wouldn't it be a burden on your shoulders?

If you are ok with it and able to pay for it, I'd say that would be a great gesture to do it. But you need to keep in mind that you do it "for free", I mean, you wouldn't make her feel like she owes you afterwards.

@poster : you seem like a really nice girl, so nice and understanding that you would go way too far for that man. I am an oyinbo married to a nigerian man and I was a bit like you at the begining of our relationship (though nothing like cheating was involved). I wanted so much to prove him that I could accept and adapt to his culture that I forgot to ask him to do the same (after all, he knew very well he married an oyinbo ). Time passed and we found a good balance between our personalities and cultures. So I can honestly say that yes, it is possible for an oyinbo to be married to a nigerian man without him cheating ever (I am very sure my husband never cheated on me).

You are putting to much focus on the nigerian/oyinbo thing. The thing is that it is not a matter of culture, it is a matter of personnality. And sorry to say but your boyfriend has the cheating type. Definitely. Don't go in a marriage with such doubts. How would you feel when you stay home with big belly and he goes out? when you have to rest and nurse your baby while he hangs out with friends? It is not easy to handle in a marriage without problems, it must simply be unbearable if you have any doubts your husband might be cheating on you.

It has nothing to do with your appearance or the way you treat him. You guys are just dating, you are living the funniest and innocent times in a relatioship, if he goes out looking for girls and having doubts now, how are you going to rely on him when you face the daily married life and its struggles? My husband saw me tired, unwashed and grumpy after giving birth and he still looked at me as if I was the only beautiful woman on earth.

Please, think twice before you do anything. Don't let your love blinding you. I know of many nigerian men who are very faithful to their wives (nigerian or oyinbos), and I know some who keep on cheating (also married to nigerian or oyinbo wives). Choose carefully.

another thing: never ever leave your spouse after an argument!

Avoid as much as possible to argue, and if you do, settle everything as fast as possible and of course before you have to leave for another week/month.

I am also in that situation now, and I agree with what CC said.

I make sure that the house is clean, and food is ready before my husband arrives. No housechores on week ends. We make sure to spend the little time we have together doing things that we really enjoy. I keep him updated with the daily life at home and try to stay positive (funny things kid do, decisions I had/will have to make when he's not here).
If I make new friends, go out or invite people at home when he's not around I make sure to tell him beforehand and to introduce those friends to him, so that he won't feel like I'm hiding something from him.

And we're also planning for a way to not let this situation last for too long (looking for another job or relocation for the family).

Good luck!